TGIF

I feel a little too tired to post and not quite tired enough to sleep so I guess I'll give posting a shot. Here is my aha for the day. Some of my issues in the classroom are kid related. Although I love my class we do have some issues with transitions and everyone following directions. It occurred to me today that perhaps the reason we are 5 minutes late for every recess and lunch is not because I can't get my act together but because there are about 5 kids who are on their own time frame. They can't seem to put anything away, drag themselves to the carpet or even look at the person who is speaking. Time to back up and punt. I have changed my schedule again for the umpteenth time - not easy to do when coordinating with vision assistance, science lab, library, computer lab and PE. Yes I do realize that today is the end of the first trimester. I just refuse to give up on trying to make things work. So as a result, my Friday PE just flew out the window in exchange for science/social studies. Today we did the end of a 2 period jigsaw on the "first Thanksgiving." It was nice to deal with a little curriculum meat. But I have to admit I really missed PE. No, it wasn't the exercise, it was just being outside. At the end of the day I just felt like something was missing. No sunshine! And there won't be PE on Monday either. Time to get ready for the Holiday Performance. When I taught 1st grade I always thought it would be better to do the December performance rather than the spring one because the kids were out of it anyway. I will try to remember that in the next few weeks. I am proud to announce that as I worked on my lesson plans today, I actually cut things out of our upcoming 2 day week rather than try to fit things in. No homework, no spelling, no daily language or math practice. Maybe I'll be able to teach a little money after all. Which leads to a confounding question? Why do kids today have so much trouble counting money? As I child I loved taking out my money and counting it over and over again. But perhaps these kids don't have piggy banks. They probably get theirs in the form of $20 bills from the ATM machine. Sad. Next on the agenda is telling time. A kindergarten dad leaving daycare stopped by with his child the other day asking if they could interrupt me to use our classroom clock to "tell time" on. How long before analogs are completely obsolete? Will anyone know the meaning of time without the hour and minute hands? OK. I'm fried. When I start writing about things lost it's time for bed.

Coming out of my funk

Today seemed a bit brighter. I have been mild to moderately depressed about my teaching ability or at least what the state and so many others expect of me. It all started a couple weeks ago when I began my "homework" for the Noyce Advanced Study Group. This is a small group of teachers led by a literacy coach to focus on writing workshop. There was a time when I thought I was a pretty darn good writing teacher and it wasn't that long ago. At any rate we have taken a 2-prong focus: mini lessons and conferencing. Any WW teachers out there will quickly realize that those 2 pieces constitute the majority of any writing workshop. After doing my reading on mini lessons I revamped things a bit, added a couple missing pieces and tried to carry on. Then I decided it would be a good idea for the local coach to meet me and my kids so I invited her in for a reading lesson. (I used to be a pretty good reading teacher too.) I managed to get myself over that one and then took on my Advanced Study homework on conferences. My reflection? I suck. Yeah, so now I'm trying to update and improve those missing pieces too. This one is not so easy! My conferencing is better but they are taking much longer! Now I'm seeing 2 maybe 3 kids on a good day. Quality not quantity. The next zinger came at the faculty meeting this week as we were going over Science scores. Yep. They're in the toilet. So now the district wants excellence in reading, writing, math and science. Sure, no problem. Sign me up to teach language arts in middle school. I would gladly leave behind the math, science, PE, and even art. But the day wasn't over. I then received my STAR scores from last year. Yeah, not so good. The day ended with a very long chat with some co-teachers about our profession. I don't think any of us would ever leave but we can certainly understand why people do. It was interesting to note how some of us take these number presentations to heart and others can walk away secure in the knowledge that they are already doing every thing they possibly can. That isn't my view. I am always thinking about ways to improve my teaching. But this one has really made me stop and think. What is the cost? What am I willing to give up for the mere swing of a pendulum? What will my kids benefit? Is it a number on a test score or is it something that will carry them through the future? I've been at this for 16 years now and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. By now I thought it would. The district, the state, the federal government, it seems like the universe all has an opinion about how I should do my job and what my kids should know when they walk out of room 9 for the last time. Now hear this. I am the professional and I know a thing or two about kids and learning. Just let me teach. And wouldn't it be great if we could enjoy it in the process? So I started my day today with a fabulous read aloud - I am still a pretty good reader! I saw my guided reading groups, taught a little spelling (with humor infused), took a few minutes to play word wall games and was feeling OK by recess. It is time to let go of all the pressure I allow to be put on my shoulders. I am a teacher and most days am a pretty good one.

Head games

I have finally figured out why I don't like curriculum coaches. The whole experience makes me focus on the negative side of my teaching. The missing pieces. The way to improve. If coaching is supposed to "help" my teaching why do I feel like c-r-a-p when they leave. I have never met a literacy coach that I didn't like. They are all very friendly and smile so sweetly when they come in the room. They are extremely knowledgeable and have great ideas but after their suggestions I beat myself up because it's all stuff I know. I just don't have the perspective or energy to think them up! Then I feel like I have to invite them in again to show them how much I have improved. I know this is messed up. Coaches are trained to help kids through the teacher. But the reality is the teacher is the communicator between coach and student. How can the teacher feel anything more than inadequate when suggestions are made to help the student? I spend the next few days repeating my mantra. I am a good teacher. I am a good teacher. There was a time that I thought I wanted to be a coach. I don't think that's any longer in the stars for lots of reasons. One day at a time, as I continue to repeat I am a good teacher. I am a good teacher.

My challenge

... student with no motivation
... notes sent home
... loss of sleep
... wondering what to do
... talk to teachers
... set up SST
... Mom nods
... Mom says there's nothing that motivates him
... more talking
... Mom cries
... Mom says he's just like his father He's never going to amount to anything He's going to purposely fail tests in middle school just like his father did so he doesn't have to work in school
... more talking
... plans are put in motion
... Mom shows up at assembly an hour later ready to talk
... student is totally "on" all day
... sticker chart
... smiling boy
... Legos reward ready
I love teaching

Halloween

So another one has come and gone. It was a little strange getting back into the mode of celebrating Halloween in the classroom but I think the day went pretty well. The kids were pretty mellow - or maybe it's just being in second grade. It is fun to watch the kids that really get into their character. The Cinderella that suddenly moves with such grace or the Darth Vader who appears several inches taller as his posture improves. Elementary kids are so cute! The funniest part of the day was watching their faces when I passed out their homework folders. A few of them absolutely could not believe that they had homework on Halloween. But when I made a comment about how mean the second grade teachers were they said No, Miss Allen, you're a second grade teacher and you're not mean. So they can be disappointed in getting homework from me but unable to blame me personally! Funny.

Lost cause?

I have a student in my classroom that is turning out to be a real challenge for me. I have always prided myself on the fact that kids generally like being in my classroom and will do almost anything I ask. I develop strong relationships with my students and that is basically the extent of my classroom management system - no colored cards to be flipped, no names on the board, no charts... But this guy is a puzzle to be solved. He appears to have no motivation whatsoever. It has made me wonder if this is what it is like to teach in middle or high school when kids don't "care." I've seen a lot of interesting kids in my career but I've never seen anyone so young and so unengaged in the learning process. He doesn't really like school because it is just "work, work, work." I can look at him any time of day and see him just staring off into space. He doesn't seem to care about either rewards or consequences. He does respond to verbal prompts but unfortunately I can't stand my his desk 6 hours a day and remind him to get back to his work. Notes home are either not taken out of the backpack for days on end or read with no response from the parents. When I have talked to other teachers about him I get the rolled eyes and "Oh that family." The general consensus is that I won't get anywhere with the parents so why try. It has made me stop to think about comments I make about students or parents. I hope I have never communicated that any of my students wasn't worth the effort. The funny part is what happened on Friday. I gave him a note to take home and he asked what it said. I told him it said that I was worried about him and he gave me a huge hug. Maybe he just needs to be noticed and shown that someone cares about him.

Classroom Community

The balance between kids buying into the system and someone being in charge has always been a delicate one for me. Years ago I did all the classroom helpers thing with a line leader and the paper monitor and the trash collector, etc., etc.. When I realized how much time I was spending every Monday morning setting up the new jobs of the week, it had to go. There's nothing I hate more in the classroom than wasted time! It slowly morphed into the special person of the day which meant I had one person who did everything that day attendance, lunch count, you name it. I would go through the list in alphabetical order or whatever order we came up with. I swore I'd never go back to classroom helpers again. For some reason this year, I just never got things organized. I still haven't even memorized my class list in alphabetical order. (Once again the phrase "old age" is clanging in my head.) We've tried a few different systems to handle attendance and calendar and they just keep falling apart. I basically would just give the attendance to whoever looked somewhat focused. We started the year doing calendar at the beginning of math time with the advisory that it wasn't very important to me. I have since learned that Sutter 2nd graders LOVE doing calendar whether anyone else is participating or not! A couple weeks ago I succumbed to their whining and assigned a person each day to do calendar first thing in the morning while I was checking in homework and everyone else was doing their Daily Language Review. That worked until I forgot about it 3 days in a row and the incessant whining returned. Yesterday we had our first class meeting to just check in and see how everything was going. I'm still not sure how it happened but for some reason after we finished, the conversation returned once again to the calendar problem and the burning desire to have JOBS like room 8 does. They came up with some interesting systems - a different person for each day of the week for the month and then switch to a different 5 kids for the next month. Not bad. I never would have thought of that one on my own. But when it was all said and done, I pulled out the classroom helpers pieces (frogs, of course) and before I knew it the class was quietly doing their math - a bribe - and RW and I were labeling the frogs with jobs and names. They were so darn happy I couldn't believe it. Was it about finally breaking down the teacher and getting their own way or do they just think it isn't normal not to have jobs in school? After all, that's the way it was done in kindergarten and first grade. Looking back on it I still find it hard to believe the way it all happened. I'm not usually that easy. For some reason this class is teaching me to relax and let down my guard. They are just one of those groups you can have fun with and still get back on task. So, today my most vocal students had their jobs in place. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy they were and how happy everyone else was just to watch them do their job. It is amazing the power that buy-in has. Suddenly their voice has power and they can help create their own classroom community. I can stand up there and talk about teamwork until I'm blue in the face but one small victory like classroom helpers and the entire room feels different. Everyone is participating in class discussions, they're creating punctuation charts, their library books all came back, they're helping each other figure out regrouping. Would that have happened if I assigned classroom jobs on the first day of school? No way. It came as a result of fighting for something they believed in. As trivial as it may seem those jobs made all the difference between a class led by Miss Allen and one that hears every voice.

I'm back again

It has been several weeks since I last reflected in written form on my teaching. I'd like to say that I have missed it. But writing remains a difficult thing for me. This of course is not to say that I have not been reflecting; I just have not been writing it down. So now that I'm back, I could take off on any number of topics. I left off at conference week so I could write about how I learned to conference with my "high" kids' parents as well as the ones I worry about, hence making conference week totally exhausting or I could talk about attending the Advanced Study at Ponderosa, the myriad of events at Sutter including assemblies by the Dairy Council and neighborhood firefighters, Literacy Night, Sutterfest, Red Ribbon Week, and the pumpkin patch. Yes, these things have all taken place within 3 weeks time. Is it any wonder we are all exhausted by Halloween?

No, tonight I want to think about procrastination. It is currently my greatest enemy. I am at school by 7:00 in the morning- a full 90 minutes before school starts. On most days I couldn't tell you what I get done in that time. I go to bed and wake up with a prioritized plan of what I will do the minute I walk in the classroom, the people I need to call at recess or lunch and the papers I will grade after school and be on my way home by 5. Well that just isn't happening. As a matter of fact the past 2 nights have been 6:00 departures rather than 5. So the question is what exactly am I doing? I walk in the door and I turn on the computer - first mistake. I check e-mails and answer the immediate ones (maybe that will change now that my computer at home has been rejuvenated. Thanks, Bill!) Then I turn to the day's lesson plans. More often than not the bulk of them are in my head rather than in my lesson plan book. So I solidify what will/will not work given the day's schedule. B's mom usually stops in on her way to daycare to unravel the latest quandary at home. I get books from the book room for guided reading, make copies, check in and get the stuff from my box. Then I go back to my room look at a pile of papers or notebooks that need to be checked and immediately find something more interesting to do - like move the furniture. The clock ticks away and the only reason that I am ready to teach at 8:30 is because I have done it for so many years. After school any number of things can divert my attention; checking e-mail, looking for lessons on-line, searching Amazon for the latest books I am trying to talk myself out of buying, chatting with teachers, alumni students, and moms and kids leaving day care. Then I start making deals with myself. I'll correct those papers tomorrow morning FIRST THING or I'll take them home and do them tonight. Those papers can go back and forth for 2 or 3 days before I finally have had it with myself and sit down to correct them. The sad part is that when I finally do it, it takes a matter of minutes. It would be so much easier if I would just do them a set at a time instead of 4 or 5 sets that have to be done before the Wednesday envelope goes home. Hence my 6:00 exit today! This is a issue for me and something I really need to work on. I sense it getting worse with age. Perhaps I procrastinate because I simply don't have the energy at that moment to do the task. But with the energy spent on the "deals" I make, I could have already have done the job. So my goal for the week... correct each day's work on that day. Oh wait. Tomorrow we have a 1:45 professional development meeting and I am walking at 4. I'll correct tomorrow's papers first thing Thursday morning. And so it begins.

Sabbatical

I will be on a journal sabbatical this week and possibly longer. We have conferences this week and my computer at home is fried - or at least a little crispy around the edges.
TTFN

Parents

The parent piece of teaching is so interesting. Just when I think I'm getting a little better at it I am taken totally by surprise. The student whom I have been trying to get in for testing blew me away today. She popped her head in this morning just to ask if I had gotten the boom box from my wish list and then seemed to want to talk but didn't say anything. So... um.... have a nice day. I didn't have a clue what was going on. Then I walk out to pick up my kids and the SE teacher tells me that she came in and requested testing papers. Huh? OK. I guess that kind of explains her "wanna talk" thing from earlier. I am thrilled that she is trying to do the right thing for her child but surprised at the back door approach. It will certainly simplify things at the conference next week. Then after school the parent of the student who is receiving the Super Star award tomorrow came in and is concerned that perhaps his child didn't deserve it. Huh? His child has totaling internalized the rules and gently reminds others of what they are. And "Dad" is concerned that he is acting like a Kindergarten cop and bossing people around. Again, "Huh." I guess on some level I understand his position but on the other, a teacher loves those kids who can model and remind others of their responsibilities. B may be the sweetest boy I have ever taught. He is kind, helpful, compassionate, loves to talk about his reading and writing and yes, he might grow up to be a cop someday.

Easy to please

As much as I think that I would like to teach in the "upper" grades I am amazed at how easy it is is to please the primary bunch. Today was full of those humorous incidents. TF came in to take a look at some "give aways" I had. The minute he walked in all their heads turned (despite the excitement of tearing the first page out of their math books). I could hear all the whispers. That's my brother's teacher, he was my sister's teacher, he's funny. I couldn't stand it and had to announce, "That's right boys and girls. That is Mr. F. and he is very famous. They were goners! Then there was writing time. We are publishing their first piece and they are just beside themselves. We get to choose our own paper? That's right. We can illustrate? That's right. We can use markers if we want? That's right. You are the author and illustrator. You get to make all those decisions! Miss Allen, you are the best teacher! And if that wasn't enough there was the art lesson on tertiary colors. A new color wheel, blending with colored pencils AND to top it off mixing blobs of paint on paper plates. Miss Allen, you are the greatest! And to finish off the day I gave them their homework folders amid cheers. That's right, cheers. Is tonight math night? Oh yes it is! They definitely missed school on our in-service day yesterday! What other job gives you physical and mental hugs like this?

In-Service Day

Today was an in-service day at SCU. Why is it that a teacher is more exhausted after an in-service day than after a day of teaching 20 children? Our day was spent calibrating and scoring writing PBAs. That involved real conversations about writing and what constitutes such things as interval events, literary language, writer's craft and closure. Everything comes into that conversation - experiences with past students, your own writing life, and views about developmentally appropriateness. I left feeling a little less than an expert teacher. It is good for me to remember that I am a life long learner and learning always involve some disequilibrium. It is always somewhat depressing to look at the baseline assessments and see the long road that lies ahead. But we have 9 months to do it in. It is good to remember that we write and read everyday and get a little closer to the goal (standard) with each mini-lesson and conference. This too is a journey. I will be relieved to see my kids again tomorrow and get back to the work at hand.

The latest and greatest fundraiser

Oh yes, Sutter has joined the world of walk-a-thons. The first is now in the books. Walk For The Arts. It was absolutely fascinating to watch it all unfold. Their was a little concern at the beginning because nobody really knew what the response would be until it actually happened. The committee did their job and had all kinds of food for sale so that families could come and let their kids walk and get dinner at the same time. The kids were pretty worked up by the time Friday rolled around. After all, they got an early dismissal out of the deal! The families trickled in at the beginning abut by 3:30 there was a pretty good crowd of walkers, joggers, runners. The 5th grade classes had challenged each other but in looking back the challenge probably should have come from some of the younger kids. They were so darn funny. You see these little kindergarten and 1st graders walking around and around and around. They are hot and sweaty but refuse to stop. Their parents could do nothing to get them off the field. Then there were the big kids who just got bored and started a pick up football game in the middle of the course. Perhaps it was the little incentives along the way - 6 laps you get a fan, 8 more you get an otter pop, another 8 a hot dog or piece of pizza. We had kids filling up their whole card and starting on a second! It's a good thing we have an in-service day on Monday so those kids can recover. It also makes you think about the whole PE thing. If a child can walk for 2 hours straight perhaps we can challenge them in the world of physical exercise in new ways. Hot dogs on PE days? Maybe not. The teachers loved it because we only had to put in an hour's time marking cards. It was a riot to watch the kids heading around the curve, see their new or old teacher and light up. They got their card marked, an encouraging comment and even a hug or 2. But no one could compete with the principal. Kids just love getting attention from the head hauncho. So I suppose now that the actual event is the complete, the challenge will be collecting the money. It will be something new to nag about while I check attendance, lunch count, and homework :)

Follow up to parent/teacher thing

So, this morning the mom of yesterday afternoon's conference came in. I have probably already met with her 4 or 5 times as she stops by on the way to Day Care with one thought or another to share with me about her son. However, we had actually scheduled this meeting so we could go over the SCORE documents. She made reference to Dad's visit and agreed that things were not going well. We chatted for a bit and then it happened. The barrage of questions. Do you think he might have ADD? Do you think he might have a learning disability? Should we have him tested? All that morning time I have sacrificed with her has been worth it. What she doesn't know is that we had already scheduled an SST for the middle of October thinking that would give me enough time to assess, document and conference. It was definitely a relief to hear those questions come at me. The cutest part was when I told his 1st grade teacher. It is just another example of how teachers plant seeds but rarely get to harvest. She talked and talked and talked to the family last year about testing, ADD, and learning disabilities and got nowhere. I just chat with the lady a few times, console the dad and suddenly the fruit ripens before your very eyes. So I am hopeful for BR. It could be a great year for the entire family. They will need lots of support in facing the realilty of the child that they are raising. Some lost dreams will be mourned but others will be born. I only hope that they can accept him for the beautiful child he is, see the gifts he has to offer us and know that the world will be a better place because he has called us to see how easy it is to be kind and loving and how important it is to find time everyday just to play.

A kid only gets 2 parents but lots of teachers

A kid only gets one set of parents but will have many many teachers. This was the theme of my impromptu conference today. The dad staggered into my room as I was filing papers looking like he had just been hit by a truck with the greeting of "Can I ask you a question or maybe 2 questions?" He was just beside himself wanting to know what to do about his child that was really good at playing but didn't want to read. This is a child whose parents conferenced with his 1st grade teacher on a very regular basis with no progress made in anyone's favor. SCORE hasn't fixed it and neither has moving on to second grade. Yelling , bribing and enabling don't seem to have solved the problem either. Hmmm... maybe there is something else going on. How about just being his dad, loving him and supporting him as best you can? There's no one else in the world that gets that honor and privilege. He gets one and only one dad, one and only one mom. Teachers will come and go in his life. You don't need to take on that role. How about playing with him? How about reading TO him and developing a love of language so what he does read he will enjoy? Parents take that BTSN talk so literally - no margin for the human condition. The teacher said read for 15 - 30 minutes, by God, we're going to read for 15 - 30 minutes, whether you like it or not! My response is always; when it becomes a battle at home, let me take over in the classroom. A child doesn't need to spend what precious little time he actually has with his parents fighting about reading when there is a high probability that there is something unusual going on in that little brain. Life is too short for family time to be fighting time.

A clearer vision

I am thankful to be where I am in my life both in age and experience. Today at lunch there was some of that "teacher talk" that evidently can't be avoided. Do you teach PE? When do you do it? Don't you think that we should be able to count the minutes at recess? Don't you think that it's just one more thing for an already over-crowded schedule? Somehow that all escalated into public school vs. private school, etc, etc. I am grateful to have had the experiences I've had the past few years, even though a couple of them were somewhat painful. I am content in where I am and what I am doing. I truly do feel that teaching is the best job in the world. I am completely at ease at Sutter within the teacher and parent community. And, NO, I have no desire to go back to private education. I have definitely learned a few things on my journey. The grass isn't always greener. There are some things money can't buy. Education is about a lot more than the curriculum, test scores, and assessments. My students depend on me for much more than language arts, math, etc. Yes, to some of them I am the mother, father, nutritionists, and counselor. That's just the way it is. I teach children, the whole child, not just the academic portion. I give thanks to my time at Mayne for teaching me the importance of looking directly in every student's eye first thing in the morning and evaluating their physical and emotional status. A child can not learn to read or write if they walk in the door hungry or fresh out of a fight with mom. Greeting my kids has become one of my favorite things to do. My "Hello, how are you?" is often the nicest thing that anyone has said to them since they went to bed the night before. Or maybe it's just seeing someone smile and look at them, really look at them that does it. They know that I care and that I'll be there every morning looking for them, wondering how they are.

The Essential 55

I am currently in the midst of reading The Essential 55. It is a focus at Sutter this year so I'm playing a little catch-up. I actually flipped through this book a year or so ago and just thought it was a lot of hype. I need to have "meat" if I'm going to actually spend my hard earned money on a book. It is an interesting read. It's pretty much the way I was raised but the little stories that go along with each "rule" are interesting. I have had the aha that the fallout of two (over)working parents, single parent families, oober scheduled kids is that the rules of society have fallen by the wayside. My favorite rule to date is when someone asks you a question in conversation, you return the favor. It is interesting when you start observing humans in action. How many times do you ask someone - child or adult, How is your day? and get the answer Fine, great, sucky, whatever and he/she walks on by. These "rules" all seem to be part of how human beings interact with one another respectfully that just isn't demanded or even expected anymore. Yes... it is just one more thing to add to the list of what to teach but it will make the difference between our kids being respected, appreciated and employed in their lives that lie before them.

The generosity of parents

Part of my back to school night preparation was spent on creating a wish list for the classroom. I have always believed that parents will do whatever they can to help if you just tell them what you need. So this year I finally took the time to do it and the results have been shocking. I chose a variety of price ranges and to date there is only one item left on the list. The funniest one was the small CD boombox I wanted for PE. I really didn't think I'd get one but it was worth a shot. I walked past one of my parents this morning before school wished him a good morning and he didn't even look at me - not unusual for this guy. Then in less than 5 minutes he walked in my room, gave me the boombox complete with remote and extra batteries and then was gone again. I walked out to pick up my class. Another mom said she wanted to get the boombox for us. I had to laugh as I told her that Mr. G. had just given us one. She took the next to last item from the list - a subscription to Zoo books and said if LW's grandmother didn't come through with a carpet remnant she would buy a rug for the room. The idea of the wish list is to keep it going all year but I'm not sure what else I could ask for... Amazing!

Funny thoughts

Today had its funny moments...

As I explained a math problem to my VI kid - each student put 2 blocks into the box; there are 19 students here today; how many blocks are in the box? After doing some thinking she came to me and said, Miss Allen, "How about I just say there are 20 kids instead?" Yeah, that would be easier to solve wouldn't it?

Then there was the girl who wants me to come and see her soccer games on Saturdays. She is frustrated because she keeps forgetting to bring me her schedule. So finally she said, "Does my mom have your cell phone number?" Ah this is the next generation...

And then finally this one. After giving my presentation at Back to School Night, one of the dads asked me where I got my degree. I don't know if he was trying to hit on me or just couldn't believe that I had one! His face completely changed when I asked him which one he wanted to know about. When the word masters came out of my mouth he had nothing more to say. Why is it that the dads ask all those weird questions?

Professional development

Noyce training! Yahoo. Yes I know how weird I am I am thrilled to be able to grow professionally as a teacher. I was offered a position in the Advanced training for writing workshop being presented at Ponderosa this year. I will have 3 days during the year to learn and discuss more about my great love of teaching writing. My kids are beginning to think a little deeper about writing. They are more in charge of the discussions and eager to get their ideas up on the charts that we create. Today's work was on what good writers do after they finish a piece. It was interesting to note their focus on conventions. They have this feeling that writing is about correct spelling, capital letters and punctuation. When I think about how BIG the world of writers' craft is, I want to laugh at this tiny piece that kids focus on. It's definitely what they have heard at home and it's also something they can have control over. If there's a rule for it, they can master it. But this whole idea of making writing come alive for the reader is not so easy for a 7 year old to get a handle on.

All the other stuff

One of the advantages of coming back to Sutter was that I could cruise by on the weekends and do lesson plans or prepare activities for the coming week. Of course this can also get old when you suddenly realize that you are spending all your free time at school. This week I attempted to do a little more prep before and after school hoping to avoid the weekend visit. Unfortunately, it was a 4 day week so I started off at a deficit. I worked for 10 hours today, including lunch and still am not ready for Monday. I need at least another hour to be ready for those little cuties to walk through the door. ...get out the letters for spelling, write the words for the word wall, finish copying the packet for Tuesday's Back To School Night, outline my schpeel for the parents, papers to correct, forms to fill out for kids in counseling, and label the reading folders. Although I love my job it can become overwhelming at times. So what's the problem? That great Writerly Life curriculum I was writing about yesterday... each week I read through the lessons, imagine me teaching each one, then modify them to fit my kids. The social atmosphere of Sutter... The friendly atmosphere does put a crimp on getting work done even though I get there at 7:00. This week there were extra greetings surrounding my bicycle. It seemed that every morning someone was driving in the parking lot as I was parking my bike and shared their feelings about biking or gas prices. Then there was the planning meeting on Wednesday after school, an impromptu level meeting before school, prayer group. A few minutes here, a few there and suddenly the week is over with a list of things remaining to be done before the new week begins. I am still counting my blessings because I am lucky enough to have a job that is also my passion. But I wonder if the common person realizes everything that goes into that generic term that teachers call "lesson plans."

An interesting writing lesson

As a part of the Noyce group, Sutter has access to the Every Child a Reader/Writer curriculum. The Writerly Life study has recently been updated. Most of the lessons have remained unchanged but a new one has been added that had be smiling the minute I read it. I knew it was going to be memorable! It is an explicit teaching of how to approach writing conferences both as a teacher and student. Now, I have done several versions of a mini lesson that address this topic - modeling with a carefully selected student and charting the important parts of a conference. But I never thought of modeling and allowing each student to practice this skill. Yes, that's right. Everybody gets a partner and takes turns being the teacher and then the student in the writing conference. The goal of this lesson is to make the student conferences more productive. So when the teacher asks, "How's it going?" you get something more than, "Fine." There were so many times during the lesson that I just wanted to laugh out loud as I watched my students emulating me but they were all "teachable moments." I couldn't walk past any of them with out stopping and commenting on the fabulous job they were doing as teacher. I watched kids tell their "student" the correct spelling of they, how they could get feeling into their writing or paint a picture for the reader. Then there was the group having a discussion about what to do when you know what you're going to write about, you start writing and then suddenly you forget what you were going to write. I could hardly stand it. But I just said in my teacher voice, "That is a great question. Let's talk about that when we come back to the carpet to share." So, of course the end result of the lesson is what happens when you then have a conference with a student about their writing. So I had my regular conferences. The first student response to "How's it going?" was, "Well I'm having a little problem with this piece." (Success!) The next 2 were "Fine..." As I internally groaned, I asked the follow up, "Tell me about your writing." And my final student responded with her automatic "Fine" and then interrupted her own thinking with, "I mean, I want you to help me tell this story about when I had strept throat in pre-school." The end result was that I had my first conference with a primary student about telling a story from another perspective. She laughed out loud when I told her of my recent writing of a letter I wrote to Milo's parents from his perspective. Yet, another reason that teachers of writing must write!

The numbers of teaching

No Child Left Behind...
API...
AYP...
Meeting subgroups' targets...
Locating and filling the gaps...
Yes, these are the mathematical equations of current public education. Meeting standards is an important part of teaching as is some sort of an evaluation process. But I am always struck by the fallout of the annual review of STAR testing. We start with the positive but somehow that gets forgotten with all the highlighting, circling and recording of numbers. Experienced teachers end up looking like they were just hit by a truck. Yes, there is always more we can be doing to improve the delivery of instruction. But these are human beings we're dealing with and young humans at that. A piece of this has to be attributed to human nature. Humans get scared, they freak out, they get tired. Everything children learn is not represented on the STAR test. There are no numbers to represent the love of learning that is born in the primary classroom, the social skills involved in working and living within a classroom community, or the relationships that grow between teacher and child that lasts a lifetime. As teachers, it is important to keep everything in balance. The numbers are important but so are the faces that rest in front of those little brains we are testing, scoring, and evaluating. The faces that record what's happening on the inside - feelings of self worth, pride in each attempt, the beaming smile that comes from the eventual success, and trusting the classroom where it is safe to take risks.

Biking to work

I have decided that one way I can not only save lots of money on gas but also improve life on plant Earth is to ride my bike to work. I invested in a good bike and made my trial run yesterday. My initial plan was to ride twice a week but it went so well that I thought, "Heck! Why not try this every day? I don't know how long I'll keep up my momentum but day one is in the books. I was so excited about this new leaf that I kept waking up during the night last night and thinking about it. Finally morning arrived. I did all my before school things and then put Jack outside. He was quite surprised to see me follow him and get on my bike with my backpack on! I took off down the street with a smile on my face. I was cruising along down Homestead, stopped at the stoplight and watched carefully as a guy was turning into the intersection. Evidently he thought he could beat me. As I put on my brakes he looked up and waved me on with a rather sheepish "I'm sorry" grin on his face. Note to self: I must remain completely aware of what everyone on the road is doing. My life depends upon it. There will be no early morning cell phone conversations with Christine any longer. A few blocks down the street I was suddenly struck with the fact that my arms were getting very cold. This is slightly comical because just last night Bill and I had discussed the need for a jacket in the winter. No! There is a need for a jacket now. My next observation was how friendly everyone is when you're on a bike. The dog walkers all greet you with a robust "Good morning." Is it because they are slightly embarrassed with their attire - robes and slippers? I arrived safe and sound at school within 15 minutes and got several approving smiles from my co-workers. My favorite one was the lady who said, "That's great. I rode my bike to school once." Funny! Then people started questioning me about whether my bike was safe locked in the bike rack. Good grief. What will they think of next to worry about? Yes, my bike is safe and sound. I am in one piece. I have appropriate clothes to wear that will take me from biking to teaching. I put shoes in my backpack for school. Yes, I was a little chilly but I did not freeze. And it seems that I have the energy to ride home. It feels great to be getting some easy exercise that didn't need to be planned or paid for!

The PE Teacher

Let me add yet another item to my resume. Not only am I a recent devotee to teaching real art as opposed to my previous arts and crafts instruction, but now it seems that I am also about to become somewhat adept at teaching real PE. Oh yes, I have taught PE before - morning walk/jog around the playground, kickball, basketball, soccer, and other games of the sort. But never have I done the warm-up, stretch, work out and cool down system that I have always known defines healthy physical activity. The 1st and 2nd grade teachers have been in-serviced on a new program that is as easy to use as a Betty Crocker cookbook. So I found lesson #1 in the binder and with the help of Marleas, my PE team leader, assembled my materials and headed for the field. In reflecting on this simple 30 minute lesson I am stunned by the amount of energy it takes to teach something new. I was constantly looking back at my clipboard for what I was going to do or say next. I felt like a brand new teacher again. It was hilarious watching my kids in such a different environment. The more energetic ones release all inhibitions and seem to fly around the designated area. I have already learned that the most important part of PE instruction has nothing to do with muscles, strength or movement. It is incorporating a set of signals for the simple purpose of following directions. My whistle is my best friend!

Kindergarten woes

This was the first full day of the new kindergarten schedule. The teachers came into lunch visibly shaken. It is all so wrong. Wrong for the kids, wrong for the families, wrong for the teachers, wrong for our future. We are putting 30 4 and 5 year olds in a class with one adult and expecting them to come out on the other side reading at a level 3, writing a simple story and beginning to add and subtract. It's just not going to happen. And it's all in the name of the almighty dollar. Because the state will continue to fund this system and call it 20 to 1, we say terrific and hold out our hands. But what slips through our fingers is all the possibilities - children who value literacy, who create a classroom community, whose needs can be addressed, and whose first school experience will be the best of their lives. I am so sad for everyone involved and pray that this is a one year event.

But on the positive side, I was greeted by several of my old students today. I guess they finally figured out who that familiar face was that kept walking into their old classroom. They realized why I was smiling and waving at them. They came by my room one after the other. Do you remember me Miss Allen? I discovered a great cover. I say "of course I do," hug them and ask them who their new teacher is. In the meantime I look them dead in the eye and listen oh so carefully to their voice as they respond. And sure enough, the first grade face flashes in front of the 4th/5th grade student standing before me. What an honor, to be a part of this community, to be so loved and respected.

Hot, hot, hot

Despite the sweltering heat, it was a very high energy day. Maybe it was the sexy leopard tank top and slinky black skirt I decided to wear. Nah, it was probably that huge 1st day of school oatmeal cookie that I could no longer resist and ate before school started! So my kids saw the hyper Miss Allen come out for the first time. I love watching their faces when they first realize that teachers can be funny.

The routine finally sank in for me today. I am finding my rhythm even though I teach reading followed by math and writing isn't until after lunch. It wasn't easy allowing myself out of the integrated language arts box but I refuse to short change writing as a result of all the other scheduled subjects - computers, library, science and PE. It was the only block of time that even came close to being an hour. I can already see the writing taking off. 2 of my kids took out an extra notebook at lunch to write and draw at recess. And I just started conferences today! We are creating a community of writers where it is safe to put yourself out there and share the heart of who you are. Each year it becomes easier for me to share my writing with the strangers that we are the first few days of school because I know the power of that modeling. I read the pieces that show my vulnerability and make it OK to be scared or embarrassed, trusting the empathy that human beings have for each other, even at the tender age of 7.

The kids' personalities are coming out now. They don't feel like a group any longer but individuals who have different strengths and needs. I no longer see the sibling in the current student's face. So far they are respectful of the gifts they see in one another. That has become more and more a part of my speech pattern in the classroom. We are melding together into a team.

Differences between schools

My return to Sutter was a conscience choice but I have become aware of some very subtle differences that were not part of the decision made last spring.

English is the language of choice - Wow! It sure makes the beginning of school go smoothly when the children understand what you're saying. The "deer in the headlight" gaze is still very common but it is a result of the new voice saying the same old things that sound somewhat familiar. Oh yeah I remember about just right books. I do recall something about what good writers do.

The second language is Frog talk. When things are looking shaky, you can just mention Frog Jump and everybody perks up.

Blonde hair. It was quite a joke that a couple years ago I had all the blonde boys so you could always see my class coming. But you should see my class now. For some reason I have a harder time telling the blondes apart. Am I prejudice? I just shout out one of their names and watch to see who turns his head.

I am getting more exercise. Room 6 was such a cushy location - right next to the office and its amenities, the cafeteria was just seconds away and I was close to the parking lot for quick get aways. Now that I am back in room 9 I am stunned at the miles I am putting on - to the office before school, to the playground and back at recess, again at lunch and finally the return at afternoon recess. This doesn't even take into account the times I walk over there, forget something and make the trip again. Maybe I'll actually lose some weight this year.

A longer work day. I still go to work in the early morning hours but I stay much longer. Part of it is the social nature of Sutter. Another piece is the format of the school. I look out my window and see others hard at work. It is harder to walk away from the piles and head for the parking lot when there's no real reason to leave. And I suppose the last piece is my desire to grow again. I don't blame anyone but myself for my stagnation of the past few years and I can't wait to get my feet back into reading and writing workshop. I want to reflect, I want to challenge myself, I want to think deeply about how to teach to the best of my ability.

First day

The first day of the new school year is now a thing of history. I have to admit that I am a little tired and my voice is a little scratchy from all that talking. My kids are a very interesting mix. I have the cute, sweet, perfect girls, the boys whose hands haven't held anything small in several months, and the teacher's assistant who could run the room if I were absent. But the funniest group is the chatty males. I don't know that I have ever had a first day filled with so many boys' voices. Are they just used to running the show at home or are we enculturating our boys to talk more? I'm sure this year will be full of many firsts as I am teaching a totally blind student. When I greeted her in line before school she said are you Miss Allen? Yes I am. Are we going to laugh? Evidently she had been informed by the Vision teacher that I was quite funny! Later in the day as I was attempting to load her Braille machine she informed me that her dad knew how to fix them. That one wasn't too good on my self esteem. She impressed us all by identifying about half the class by their voice alone. This amazed me as there is very little difference in the pitch or tone of a second grader's voice regardless of size or gender. I look forward to many more of these aha moments. The day went well and I am left with a slight high. I am back in my comfort zone and ready to grow again.

Time

I have accidentally discovered an obsession I have that has effected my life in many different ways-the awareness of time. I have always worn a watch but for some reason, one day this summer I forgot to put it on after my shower. It has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I have loved just being present to whatever it is I'm doing. It has changed my whole perception of the world. It really doesn't matter what time it is while I am shopping or hiking or even just pulling weeds. I discovered that I use a watch to not only tell me what time it is right now but also to plan out what I will do next. "It is 11:20, I will keep doing this for another 20 minutes and then I will do the next thing on my mental list." As a result I was not involved in my life - just a time keeper for it. Up until this morning I also kept a daily calendar in the window that I would change every morning. This was more of the same obsession. Why do I want to start my morning with "What day is it?" instead of enjoying the first sights that the day has to offer. I am learning more every day about what it means to stay in the moment. I am present to whatever I am involved with. I now care more about the events of my life because I am choosing how much time I spend on them. If I don't enjoy them I don't do them, but if I do I spent the amount of time I desire . My social relationships are becoming stronger (or weaker as the case may be). I no longer live my live in 30 minute increments. Now, part of this obsession may come from teaching young children. They CAN'T do anything for more than 30 minutes at a time. My plan is to return to school tomorrow without a watch. There are clocks and bells and whistles throughout the day so I am quite sure I will be kept aware of the time when I need to be! And who knows... it may carry over into my teaching. Do I really need to spend 30 minutes a day on spelling? If we're ready to move on, why fill those precious minutes with anything but my best teaching?

Almost ready

My classroom is almost ready. The translation for that for non-teachers is my room is totally ready but I'm feeling nervous. So I'm sure that I'll go down to school this weekend and muck about for a couple hours and it will end up looking exactly like it does now. It is interesting that no matter how long I do this the feelings of insecurity start creeping in about now. The crux of it today's concern was that parents will look in my room and compare it to the other 2nd grade teachers. But I totally refuse to put up "cute" just to take it down again when the real teaching begins. I did get a lot done today amidst our first level meeting and socializing with my old friends. The level meeting went much better than expected. I had 2 issues to address. We all compromised on the homework packet and they were actually excited about the spelling program I suggested. I thought that would be a huge battle and I would end up going my own way. Interesting. After school I had another paper to deal with on the refinancing. I faxed it back but they didn't get it. So that may mean a trip to Saratoga to give my old lender permission to share my information with the title company. Silly.

Kathy and I had our weekly walking date today at the park across the street from Don Madsen's house. He bought a condo in north San Jose. It was so cute to see how excited he is about home ownership. I had always wondered why he rented that apartment for so many years. Well , it seems he had made so much money he HAD to buy something. He served us fruit and peach ice tea and showed off all his new Apple stuff. I was reminded once again of how great it is when people discover their passion and it turns out to be their job.

3 days and counting

Yes there are but three days left before school begins. I have spent so much time being happy about my return to Sutter that I haven't really focused on school. We got out class list today; I should say tonight and I have 3 siblings from my previous stint at Sutter. Now it is real. These are families that know my work! The children are coming and I had better get my head together. Tomorrow will be a serious work day. I have a pretty good idea of my weekly schedule and after today have another view of teaching PE. We had a great in-service from SPARK - excellent curriculum that is ready to teach on day 1. I love it! After the training Marleas and I went out and finally celebrated our birthdays - a bottle of Kendall Jackson and some munchies at The Fish Market. Yum! I have really missed her this summer. It is so great that she will be teaching with us! I will see her every day. We cruised by Sutter after dinner and helped Christe set up her room and chatted with some parents hanging out for the Kindergarten ice cream social. I am so happy to be back in such a strong parent community. I have missed that collaboration between school and home that makes the difference in a child's success. Then I came home to paper work that needed to be faxed for the refinancing of my house. I am doubtful that it will go through before September 1 but who knows... And then my father will also be my lender. Weird!

Family

August 23, 2005

What is family? As the end of summer knocks loudly on the door I have taken time to reflect on the recent events and travels of my life. One word reverberates in my head – Family. This summer has been totally dedicated to family in a variety of experiences beginning with Maria and Bill’s wedding and ending with my trip to see Grandpa. So I have been thinking a lot about what that word family conjures up for me. According to Mr. Webster it is a group defined by parents and their children. This is certainly where it all begins but it becomes so much more as the years go by. My own definition of family came from my parents and grandparents in a very dissimilar setting from the one I find myself in today. The Midwest still maintains many agrarian beliefs and customs. A strong and physically close family is one of its mainstays. Every holiday meant a huge meal at Grandma Allen’s house with people and food overflowing. It also meant a visit to Grandma Larson’s in one form or another. My dad and uncle worked together during my entire childhood and Grandpa was never far away. We lived within walking distance to my aunt and uncle for most of my life. So the Allen way of living has defined me from the very beginning. It was also the beginning of my definition of in-laws. My Grandma Larson never respected my dad and no matter what he did her opinion could not be changed. Because of the events of my mother’s childhood, the Weatherill side of me never really developed. I never even met my Grandpa Gus until I was a teenager. I can remember watching my aunt and uncle’s in-laws together and wondering how the parents of two children could become such good friends. Weren’t they supposed to be jealous of one another? Paul and Arma Jo’s parents not only ate together on holidays, they vacationed together for years. It was fascinating for me to watch them. My parents began the creation of a new definition of family when they decided to move to Florida. My sister was already living in Oregon. At the time my brother had other issues which caused a severe split and that left only me in the way of their dream. That was easily solved by deciding on college in Florida. Now the family no longer fit the Iowa definition. And since that time I have wrestled with figuring out “family.” Holidays always contain tears for those I am separated from. My short stay in Texas was completely about family. It was a good place to mark the end of my marriage but I was really looking for my own definition of family and home. Maybe if I was in the middle of my parents, my brother and my children I could make it work. But that was not the answer either. My children are the ones who made me realize what family is for me. My heart was broken without them and somehow my love for them has made California my “home.” In the intervening years my family has taken on new faces and the meaning has continued to change. Despite our marital status, Ralph is definitely family. He may know me better than anyone else on this earth. The Ferraros, Carters and Bundts have each added to my experience and definition of family. Once again I am struck by the ways that in-laws can enhance the family experience. We have been blessed to be so close physically that we can gather for birthdays, holidays and the big events in our lives. I know that may not always be true but I am grateful for what I have had up until now. So what is family? Yes it is children and their parents. It is unconditional love that first appears in the shape of a helpless infant. You can’t help but pick that love up, hold it close and never really let it go. It is the emotional support necessary to keep us afloat in the challenging times and it is the raw joy shared in the successes of our lives. My parents have taught me that it is also the kick in the pants to help you stand on your own because it is only in true autonomy that we realize the importance of both roots and wings. My grandfather’s lessons are many. Family is being there when times are tough. He has been there for me through it all. It’s not about words, it’s about presence both physical and emotional. My definition is not and will never be complete because like my life journey, my experience of family is always changing. As its numbers grow through marriage and birth, it is also shrinking through death. The bonds of family are strengthened through shared love and communication. Family is simply shared love through and among the generations. It cannot be extinguished. And like love, family carries us through the mountains and valleys of life and lives forever in our hearts.

On line journal

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
8:50 pm
Relax, refresh, rejuvenate
I'm sure I say this every summer but let me say it once again. I love summer vacation. I just feel that as the years go by I get better and better at "relaxing." Every year my foggy image of retiring becomes just a little bit clearer. I can remember when I first started teaching that I wondered what other teachers did all summer long if they weren't teaching summer school. I couldn't imagine what I would do all day long to fill up the time. And now it just seems to zip by. I still wake up early but my days move in slow motion. Breakfast, read the paper, sometimes do the crossword puzzle and sometimes get to whatever is on my mind - painting something, writing/reading, gardening, walking. Oh the choices seem endless. Maybe having a dog is part of the solution. They are really good at playing, walking, and napping. This all seems to morph into another observation I have made. I lead this totally bucolic existence. Me and the dog and sometimes the cat shows up. I weed and water. I find little projects around the house to busy myself with. I meet my friends for coffee, lunch, a walk or a movie now and then. I chat with Christine almost daily. I e-mail my friends and parents. Life is sweet. But then there are people around me whose lives are in constant turmoil. Why is that? I haven't done anything to earn this peaceful life. Maybe it has something to do with reincarnation. I have no doubt that I am a young soul so maybe I'm resting up for what is to come - or what was. Whatever the case, I send out my peaceful energy into the world.Now that I have gone on about how easy my life is, I bare in mind that this is the final week of it. Next week I go back to school - San Jose State for Arts in the Classroom 8:30 - 4:30 every day. Then it will be one thing after another until it finally ends with me standing in front of 20 new 2nd graders. And so I promise myself to live each moment fully and to take a piece of this peaceful existence with me into the coming months. Current Mood: relaxed

Sunday, July 10th, 2005
4:53 pm
Aging parents
I have returned from my road trip with my parents with many new observations and feelings. Some of them are quite novel and others are extremely sad. I have either learned how to talk/argue with my parents are they are mellowing. Now anyone who knows the Allens will be laughing. Mellow and Allen are 2 words that don't fit together very well but that appears to be what is happening. Being confined in a car for a total of 3 days, we hit all the familiar topics; undocumented workers, Bush, liberals, California "nuts", gays, religion, divorce - but it was different this time. They said their piece, I said mine and it was over. My observation is this: They have either realized I'm not going to change or it's not worth the fight anymore. The exception to this appears to be topics that perhaps they don't completely understand - global warming and hybrid automobiles. Discussion of such topics appears to lead to endless spouting of phrases from the conservative doctrine. Ah well. I will just focus on the positive and enjoy this new era we have entered.The most amazing part of the entire week was the compliments they paid me. Yes. Compliments. Your house looks great. The flowers are beautiful. You've really made the house your own. I'm proud of you. It went on and on. And each time I waited for the "but." My mom and dad have often told me how proud they are of what I have accomplished - standing on my own, Masters degree, financial stability but never have they seen it in the details around them. I kept waiting for the insult, the criticism, the other shoe to drop. But all I saw was love and respect in their eyes. Mom took pictures of the garden, Dad went on and on to Grandpa during his Saturday night phone call about how great the house looks. They seem to have stopped "seeing" the negative view. How did that happen? Was it the 3 year interval since they've been here or was it the heart surgery that served as a wake up call?Watching them and relating to them has taken on a bit of a sad note. They are approaching the end of their lives. There's will not be a 90+ lifespan as that of my grandparents. They are fading. Mom has difficulty getting around - unless of course there is a picture to be taken with they digital camera of hers. Dad is suddenly aware of what he can no longer do. They are easily confused by the technological era and willingly take advice and suggestions from their children and grandchildren. This is uncharted territory for all of us. Family has taken on new importance for them and for me. I also am aware of all the things they can no longer do and I grieve the loss. Today I heard The Tennessee Waltz and remembered all the times my father would jump out of his seat and drag Mom onto the dance floor. Now my father was never a great dancer but he loved that song and would sing aloud as he attempted to waltz with the great love of his life. I wonder if the last time they did that, they knew it was "the last time." That is a scene that will now only live in my memory. The next time I see my father we need to find the opportunity to dance again before that window is also closed forever. I have always loved my parent. It feels a little different now. The day is coming when they will no longer be a part of my life. Of course there is no preparing for such things. I can only say that imagining life without them brings me deep sadness. The choices I make in the next few years will likely bring me in contact with Florida a little more often. My grandfather's birthdays are now a must. My parents' lives and my own will be richer as a result of spending more time with them while I can. Yes, it is the circle of life. And sadness walks hand in hand with joy. The loss of one's parents is inevitable. I only wish for the power to enjoy the moments together that we have left. Current Mood: melancholy

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
7:09 pm
Endings
The school year is coming to an end as is my short career in Alviso. I am thankfully being granted my transfer back to Sutter. This ending has not been easy and I knew it wouldn't be from my first day there. The principal is very disappointed and is showing it as any middle schooler would - not looking at or speaking to me (until she had to today). That means I went to the end of year party last weekend at HER house, pass her in the hall numerous times a day, share bus duty with her in absolute silence. Luckily I have T to laugh with about it. I will miss him. Yesterday I was bit by one of my students dogs on the thumb - a fuckin chihuahua - and today for what I hope is my final sad Alviso experience I had to file a CPS report. Yep! First thing this morning one of my little friends was crying a different kind of cry. I am happy to have the trusting relationship with my students that I do but couldn't I just take her home with me for a bit? Sad, sad, sad. Current Mood: sad

Saturday, May 21st, 2005
9:56 pm
Alcohol
For some reason the universe is sending lots of messages about alcohol into the middle of my path. I have been pondering the definition of alcoholism for the past few weeks. According to my friend N, it is when your drinking interferes with your life - whether that be your job or your relationships. I have been an amazed observer at the journey that she and F have taken as they have struggled to keep their lives and marriage together in the midst of alcoholism. And now it would appear that our friend C maybe succumbing to the evils of alcohol as well. My first Al-anon meeting last week shed a little more light on the question and how painful this disease is.It seems that drinking was just always a given in my childhood. I don't remember it as an everyday thing, it was just there. I never experimented with it until college and then did what every 18 year old does with no parental authority. I saw lots of people who drank incredible amounts of alcohol but nothing like I saw last night. Somehow I have temporarily found myself in the "in" group at M and have been invited out to TGIF at Faultline for the past 2 weeks. That is fine. The group sits around chatting about school stuff, what we think the principal should have done, etc. We have a couple beers and head for home. Well last night AK decided that we should continue our chatting/drinking at HR's house. Whatever... I get over there around 7 and it seems the party has moved to a neighbor's. No problem. I have my last beer of the night and chat. Well all around me it escalates from a couple beers to tequila shots. By the end there is a 24 year old "boy" who is as close to dead or at least unconscious as I have ever seen and a 52 year old peer who is unable to even walk on her own. Personally, I have learned the hard way how much is too much. Vomiting is a great reminder of what your body can and cannot take. Well this all caused me to think about the power that alcohol seems to have over people. It is fine to forget about your tears and woe but when the muscles in your arms and legs are no longer able to follow impulses from the brain, there is something wrong. Why is it so difficult for people to set limits and follow them when drugs are involved? How does drinking shots become a competition? And how is that defined as "fun?" Watching these two adults' bodies try to fight off the effects of alcohol was incredibly sad. It was clear that they had ingested a poison and the body was going do anything it could to get it out of its system.Will I go to TGIF next week? I'm not sure... This is what I do know. There are going to be 2 very embarrassed people at school on Monday. Looking back it is interesting to acknowledge the power of watching someone else in a truly drunken stupor. When you are the drunk you don't see how pathetic it is. I don't think I will forget the sad looks on either of their faces for a long time and I will NEVER forget that boy's body heaving on the couch. But even more powerful was the question that repeatedly ran through my brain - is he OK? I actually have never before seen anyone so drunk that I questioned their future on planet earth. So what does it all mean? It's all part of the puzzle I am putting together not only for Cindy's future but for my own. Alcohol is a deadly drug and must be used with extreme caution. It is clear that some people can handle more of it than others. Know yourself! Current Mood: confused

Monday, May 16th, 2005
6:38 pm
My friend, Ralph
I have finally broken down yet another wall that has been protecting a little piece of my heart. I can now say that Ralph is my friend. Yes, I've used that term to describe him for years but it was always with a bit of hesitancy. I was ever ready to turn and run if and when he ever hurt my feelings. And yes, I had practiced this skill at various times. Saturday was my ah ha moment. He had called and left a message about going to dinner. My first reaction was that I would see him next week at Cats. Now, I would not respond that way to any of my other friends. My inner voice/conscience/guide screamed at me, "Is he your friend or isn't he?" I called and we made arrangements to go out Sunday night. It turned out to be a perfect night with him. Why? Because I let all my defenses down. I shared with him, I let him share at his comfort level; not trying to force or correct his thinking as ex's are prone to do. We were able to joke about our respective families, enjoy old memories that we had shared and just laugh about life. It felt so comfortable,like an old sweatshirt that the minute you put it on, all your pretenses fade away. It is the real you. It is that feeling of being "known." Despite all our trials of the later years, Ralph still knows me better than almost anyone in the world. And I suppose I know him as well as he wants anyone to. We have been through a lot, him and I. It feels good to look down the road and see an open horizon waiting to be painted with pictures of the things that friends do together. Current Mood: relaxed

Monday, May 9th, 2005
6:42 pm
Mother's Day
As I sit here enjoying M's leftover picnic brownies and D's glorious sunflowers I reflect on the passing of another Mother's Day. We are gifted in life with pain as well as happiness and we grow from each of them. The recurring nightmare of Mother's Day over the past few years has left many sad and painful memories. But it seems that the Mother's Day runaway train may have finally veered off course. There were certainly no signs during the week that it would turn out well. I can't remember a time when I have cried so much. Tears for Dave. Tears for Maria. Tears for the broken dream of happily ever after. Tears for the things I could of, would of should of. I got really good at crying, drying my tears and teaching. But the ugly residue was left behind in lost sleep, throbbing headaches and knotted shoulders. And now as I look back I can see all that has been won. Sharing our hurt and in the process learning more about one another, telling each other our fears and baring the open wounds that still ooze from years of neglect. Relationships are hard work and must be tended with love and care. It takes time and energy - precious resources that are constantly being drained. Each of us has learned how to survive without the others by hardening our hearts. The sun is peeking through and beginning to melt the outer core away. We are learning to talk to each other again about the real things in life.
I am blessed to have two children who can think and feel their way through their journey in this world. Each of these skills is as important as the other. Thought without compassion is cold and barren. And feeling without thought is empty, meaningless. They are both easily hurt by the other because of past experience but they are learning to forget and begin again. To think of what is possible and to feel the hurt slowly slide away as peacefulness overtakes the cold hard sadness of being without each other. They are supported by lovers who will do anything to help them achieve the ultimate goal of happiness. And I stand in the distance just close enough to see them take the beginning step toward one another.
The adult sibling relationship is a challenging one. You both know everything about one another - every mistake you ever made as a child, every goofy teenage blunder. That is knowledge that must be put away so it doesn't interfere in the now. This is not easy stuff. But it is worth the hard work. I thank both M and D for all the beauty they have brought into my life. I thank C and B for standing solidly beside them,supporting them, loving them. This has been the greatest gift of Mother's Day - to witness the love my children have for me and the deep abiding love they share with their partners.
Current Mood: optimistic


Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
8:45 pm

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English
15% Upper Midwestern
15% Yankee
5% Dixie
0% Midwestern



Saturday, April 16th, 2005
6:52 am
My letter to the governor, et al
April 15, 2005
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,
I am a teacher. I love my job. I can’t imagine ever doing anything else. This is my 16th year in the classroom and my enthusiasm for my chosen profession has never waned. I work in a poor neighborhood filled with children who are second language learners. This is an added challenge placed on an already demanding learning curve. As a teacher I have very high standards for my students and because of the relationship we have they do not hesitate to try to achieve them. But teachers can not do it alone. We need counselors, we need nurses, we need administrators, we need secretaries and clerks. And that takes money. Unfortunately the Santa Clara Unified School District has not recovered at the rate of other areas of the state and we are looking at significant cuts in all areas in the coming year. And the state response to teachers is to label us as a special interest group. Well if you call children a special interest then, yes, we fit the bill. I’m not one to complain about my salary and none of us went into teaching for the money. But now we are being asked to fund our own retirement accounts. This is a low blow. We dedicate our very lives to educating the children that will lead us into the future. And what will our future hold? It appears that we must also figure out a way to support ourselves when we no longer have the physical strength to teach. I am not an accountant and have no desire to become an expert in the stock market. I work incredibly hard and deserve to be compensated, if not in salary than with an adequate retirement account. The people of California voted in favor of Proposition 98 to guarantee an appropriate level of funding for our students. We were gracious enough to suspend it so the budget could be balanced. Now things need to be made right again. Spending for schools is not being increased as many people have been led to believe; it is just being repaid the promise of Proposition 98. The state of California is currently ranked 44th in per pupil spending. Our kids are worth more than that. I have often advocated the idea of merit pay because of the time, energy and dedication so many teachers put into their jobs. The reason it has never been attempted is because there is no just way to accomplish this goal. How shall teachers be judged; by high stakes test scores? What about those teachers who are committed to teaching English Language Learners or special education students. Is there a formula to be used to offset the lower scores for children who can not comprehend the California Standards Test? Or perhaps we could make it yet another part of a principal’s job to evaluate his/her teachers and decide the pay of each educator on staff. I am in a quandary as to how this could be accomplished given the mountain of paperwork principals must already process. As it currently stands, the Santa Clara Unified School district will have no elementary assistant principals to manage the day to day running of a school, let alone set a criteria for merit pay. I am a teacher. I love my job. I can’t imagine ever doing anything else. Please help us do our jobs and give our students the necessary tools to go out into the world and lead us into the future. Sincerely, Tere Allen, Santa Clara Unified School District Current Mood: anxious

Thursday, April 14th, 2005
9:09 pm
What have I been doing?
I have not posted to my journal in quite some time. When I ask myself what I have been doing, there is no response. Let me think.
I'm teaching as hard as I can with the upcoming CST testing in mind. I'm even teaching testing - how to fill in a bubble, how to sit for long periods of time, how to think critically about questions that are trying to trick you, and when all else fails how to make a good guess. My observations during this time are filled with fidgety kids who have less and less bladder control, are dehydrated and cannot keep from talking to their neighbors. And my poor Dillon can't seem to decide whether to rub his head or his stomach as he searches around the room looking for help from some unknown location.
I have had the pleasure of a teacher observing my writers workshop for 2 weeks while her student teacher is soloing. It has been fun to talk to her about my great love and to hear compliments about our community of learning in Room 6. I am also reminded that I am a much better teacher when I have someone to talk with about my craft. This all happened to coincide with a trial unit on revising. I have once again been impressed with the big things you can do with little brains. Set the bar high, support them and they will soar over it.
Gardening has filled my weekends - weeding, planting, trimming, turning the compost pile. Spring is in the air and blooming flowers like a magnet pull me outside. Santa Clara clean up took away the concrete from the back and a large portion of the oak tree. Green is a beautiful color but I suppose there can be too much of anything. I have to grudgingly admit the front looks better with the offending branches turned into mulch. Sunshine washes over the lawn and roses and into my window.
Friends and family - hanging out with Cindy, having coffee with Kathy and Diane, talking with Christine, helping Maria and Bill however I can with the wedding stuff, e-mails, phone calls, and just thinking long beautiful thoughts about the people for whom I care deeply.
Attending school board meetings to support our teachers. Tonight was the final town hall meeting and the ax is hanging in the air, ready to drop. But I left all three of those meetings proud to be a teacher. There is just something about listening to high school students defend and protect their teachers' jobs. They are in tune with the heart of it all. And of course there are the emotional speeches by new and old teachers. It is a nice reminder of why I do what I do. It is so important to follow your passion.
So there it is. Nothing really very amazing or exciting. What's coming next? Spring Break! A time to relax, reflect and renew. No road trip or Florida vacation. Just me and the animals hanging out and doing a little spring cleaning.
Current Mood: okay

Monday, April 4th, 2005
8:12 pm
Creator of my reality
I just finished watching What The Bleep Do We Know, a film that is part fiction, part animation and part documentary on quantum physics. Yes, of course, it was recommended by B. I watched it for the first time last night and kept hearing some of those lines in my head all day and knew I had to watch it again to get everything straight. Now I was never a great science student in school but all of a sudden this stuff is just fascinating to me. I'm not sure where to begin. The brain is so incredible. It is highly evolved and capable of processing amazing amounts of information. Yet we can only see what we believe is possible. We tell ourselves what reality is. One of the coolest parts of the movie was the water experiment. The same water in several containers with different labels like Chi of love, thank you, or You make me sick. I'm going to kill you. The molecular structure of water was changed by the mental stimuli of each container. Amazing. Our thoughts can change reality. Every day I choose the experiences that I have and create my reality. We tell ourselves the story of what the outside would is like. The most fascinating part to me was the whole bit on nerve cells and emotions. Emotions are held in the memory just as events are. The brain doesn't differentiate between thoughts, memories or emotions and they all bind together - nerve cells that fire together wire together. So when an emotion is repeated day after day the bind is strengthened. Then as these cells divide they contain more receptor sites for the emotion than receiving nutrients. Aging is simply the result of improper protein production. Wow! Does that then explain how people under stress age more. Can it be undone? Of course. Interrupt the relationship between the nerves and change the result. If I change my mind, I will change my choices. If I change my choices I will change my life. This is big. I can choose to do things that will evolve me or things that will not evolve me. I am constantly changing my destiny. I am the creator. Current Mood: impressed

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
2:37 pm
Early/Late Wednesday
There is either something wrong with my computer or gmail so I can't waste time reading e-mail while I piddle away the afternoon. It is one of those early dismissal day that turns into a late getting home day because of our teacher in-service so I'll just chat with my journal instead. The meeting doesn't start until 3:00 even though the kids left at 1:30. Oh the rules, the rules... The topic for today? English Language Learners. What else would you want to talk about in Alviso? My meditation has been helping my attitude at school. And I've been able to do a lot of it the past few days with all my time on the couch. In this moment... In this moment... It feels so good to just be present and not to plan. Especially in times like this when no one can predict the future with any certainty anyway. It is also improving my teaching attitude. What does Suzie need right now? What is the next step my class needs? I'm feeling more positive about T's job. It's more that I can't stand to be depressed for very long. He's a great teacher; he has to be here next year. That just makes sense.I have also been a little more artistic lately. I am planning on teaching a Georgia O'Keefe flower drawing lesson this week so a little practice was in order. It felt good just to get the art box out of the closet instead of just thinking about it and then realizing it was time for bed. I am a great mental procrastinator. I should..., Later I will... Oh well, too late now...Things with my old friend the custodian are strained but at least he is keeping his distance. I am sad at the way it has turned out. I am supposing that I have lost a friend but at least I'm out of the mind game business. I'm just no good at that. People need to be honest about their feelings and know when their feelings are inappropriate and then keep them to themselves. So there!Ah well, I have wasted enough time here. Time to head over for some free knowledge from the learned principal, et. al. Current Mood: bored


Monday, March 28th, 2005
9:48 pm
Male/Female Friendships
Is it possible? I am a strong believer that whatever you put out into the universe is what you get back. Somehow the energy of my spirit brings in whatever I may be focusing on. Right now I am obsessed with the idea of partnerships. I see them everywhere. There are good ones – lots of them and there are bad ones. I see people who are happy together and my heart cries tears that are released deep in my gut. Am I here as a mother of 2 glorious children and teacher of many or is there also something out there for me as a woman? So with all this as a background I have developed this friendship with a custodian at school with absolutely no intention in mind. I actually met him at Sutter and it was so wonderful to start my second year at Mayne with a familiar face. Our relationship has gone from a friendly smile to a 5-30 minute chat involving Spanish lessons, memories of Sutter, and funny little jokes. It has suddenly become very apparent to me that he has other ideas in mind. Note to self: Married men are not necessarily “safe.” Why is it that a woman always has to have her guard up for unwanted advances? Where are those platonic relationships between men and women from my college days? I know that part of it is the energy I am putting out into the world. But the last time I checked when someone says “That is inappropriate, it is inappropriate and shouldn’t be repeated. I am sad to say that what used to be a nice friendship is about to end. The sad part is his approach now seems to be I’m sorry, I won’t do that again with no understanding of what “it” is. Now this all is just too close to the downfall of my marriage. Why is this being repeated? My own little personal Groundhog Day... Current Mood: frustrated

Saturday, March 26th, 2005
7:30 am
Ignorance is bliss
This is a phrase my mother often threw at me during my childhood. Most times I didn't really understand the meaning but I do now. C's daughter is pregnant. Now usually I am thrilled with the idea of new human beings peopling the earth - especially children of liberal parents. I think we could use some backup. But not in this case. S is an 18 year old girl in the literal sense. She is an affective schizophrenic on heavy medication, she has a teeny tiny body, and she needs so deeply to be loved. Yes there's more. She can barely hold down a job because, of course she thinks the boss is conspiring against her. She is living with a 26 year old who is working part time at Old Navy. He was enamored with her beauty and dependency on him. They live with a roommate in a 2 bedroom apartment downtown. Now when I say 2 bedroom that is exactly what it is - no living room - 2 bedrooms, a kitchen and a bathroom. They are currently sleeping on S's old twin bed. When C told me the news on Tuesday 3 words popped out of my mouth. This cannot be. Seeing S last night reminded me of how terribly frail she is both physically and emotionally. And now there is this human life growing inside her womb. How can she physically give him everything he needs. In her burning desire of wanting something to love she stopped taking her medication until C somehow convinced her of how important her own mental health is. Of course C is turbo talking about adoption and getting nowhere. We love this baby and we're going to raise it. We'll get jobs at different shifts. Love is all you need. Oh how I wish that were true. C and I were reminiscing last night that we both had college degrees, were considered, at least by society to be somewhat normal, had planned for our first child, were not working, had money and nice houses and it still was not a walk in the park. What will this be like for S and A and their new baby? Then we moved onto a new question. It is fairly easy to give up a child for adoption at birth? What happens if a month, 6 months, 9 months down the road you realize you can't give this child everything he needs to be a happy healthy human being? Do you have to abuse or neglect him before the state will come in and shake their finger at you? Or can you just walk in to the office and say "I can't do this?" Cs going to chat with Arnold about this new child care issue:) And in the meantime I would ask for everyone's positive energy and prayers for this new life that is becoming. Current Mood: worried

6:59 am
Parents of the '00s
I am amazed at the new relationship that parents have with their children. This topic came up at coffee with K and D. Yes, we have discussed this many times before. We're teachers. That's what we talk about. I guess it all started with a discussion of the new power that parents have in Catholic schools. The schools are all desperate to keep families that are willing to shell out thousands of dollars to educate their children. The principals don't want to alienate anyone so the parents are running roughshod through the education process. According to Kathy's daughter a parent can call directly into the classroom (Yes, the secretary routes the call) and talk with their child anytime of time. Evidently the teacher answers the phone and says something like, "Suzie, it's for you." Now, for the life of me I can't imagine a scenario where I would need to talk to my child during the school day. I have to say there have been a couple times at Mayne where my teaching has been interrupted by a parent. The secretary's lack of knowledge of the inner workings of Room 6 can frustrate some high maintenance parents. And it is simply quicker and easier for me to deal with it at the moment than have to call back an irate parent. But it makes you wonder. What do these parents think is going on in the classroom between recesses? With all this is mind, I observed an extremely odd situation yesterday. As I watched the first graders going to class at 8:30 I did a little head count and every class had at least 4 parents bobbing along with their kid. But they didn't stop at the door. They walked right into the classroom. Now this is not unusual at the beginning of first grade but by March it has severely slowed down or stopped. I knew this was going on in Room 7 but I was shocked to watch the entire line of students all the way down the hall interspersed with adults. So what is this? Parents are so deathly afraid of their child failing at something or not being perfect they have to be there to protect them every step of the way. They are even involved in 3 or 4 way conversations with their friends in an effort to support them socially. What a huge handicap they are placing on their children; socially andn emotionally. Don't they have jobs or lives of their own to live? So I jokingly admonished the 1st grade teachers that this needs to stop NOW. It will not be pretty in second grade. I'm a teacher because I like dealing with kids, not adults. My conferencing style has changed dramatically during my time at Mayne. To avoid language interpretation problems I am extremely direct. It usually starts with "you need to ..." I can just see me next year about the 2nd week of school with these parents. This classroom has small chairs for a reason. It is made for 7 year olds. If you are older than 7, I'm sure you have a big chair somewhere else!
Current Mood: confused


6:16 am
I'm back
It has definitely been a while since I posted. That's what happens when I'm teaching personal narrative in my classroom. Now mind you, the stuff I write for 2nd grade is severely edited for all kinds of things - topic, language, internal events, etc. But there have been several things worthy of journaling for grown-ups so, let the Saturday writing workshop begin. I think I will begin with jumpin Jack flash. He has developed an interesting/weird/befuddling behavior. Jack is always looking for new toys that previously served a functional purpose in the world. His favorite is shoes, clothing, junk mail or actually anything he can get in his mouth, run through the house and shake repeatedly. He also likes to play with living organisms like cats. He enjoys the game of dodging the flying paw with claws outstretched. He will swat at Max, attempt to bark at him to entice him to play the game and pounce repeatedly in front of him so it looks like a doggie dance. Well he has now discovered another animal with which he is attempting to play the same game. Little tiny mice. Yes, that's correct. He goes out at night, cruises around the yard and sometimes hits the jackpot and finds a new friend to bring into the bedroom. He plays the cat game with them - he swats at them, and pounces in front of them repeatedly through the night. It seems the mice are not quite as durable as Max and they barely make it to the break of dawn. I've become very familiar with the dieing cry of mice. It's really not a squeak that they write about in children's literature - I'd call it a barely audible eek. To date this week, the mortality count is 3. My new morning routine now entails checking the bedroom floor for exhausted mice before my feet leave the bed. Jack, of course is very confused by me sweeping away his new friend/toy when they were just getting to know each other. Now the funniest part of all this mayhem is Max. He has nothing to do with these mice. He will walk by sniff the mouse, look at Jack and cock his head as if to say, "I cannot believe you did it again." It is obvious that I will never be bored as long as Jack is hanging around. Current Mood: happy

Monday, March 14th, 2005
7:52 pm
Moment by moment
This journey that is called life is so fascinating. I am so happy to have given up control of it. The ride is a lot more fun when you don't know what breathtaking vista may be around the next curve. I have finally taken the next step into the rest of my life. I put my profile on Beliefnet in search of my soul mate. And lo and behold I was sent a "spark" that turned into a week's worth of e-mails and my first "date" in literally decades. Now I have to be honest and say that when I got the spark my stomach lurched and my mantra suddenly became "I can't do this. I'm not ready." Until reality set it and bumped them out with "I thought this was what you wanted." It turns out that BL and I have many things in common: confusion about Texans, family members who reside in Iowa, and a great love for nature. That was all fine and then he mentioned that he taught at Mitty. Well that opened up another whole world of connections. The ironic part is the similarities he has with Ralph. They are both Italian, balding, history teachers (for the time being), and lost their father at a young age. Wacky! Our e-mails were getting more and more comfortable. We were both taking a stab at mild humor that was hopefully not being misinterpreted. I was thinking, hmmm, another week or so and maybe we'll meet for coffee or a weekend breakfast or lunch. And then he tossed out the dinner card. Once again that flippy stomach appeared out of nowhere. It is a funny thing to be 50 and relive the feelings from your 20's. So I am going out on a school night and entering into unknown territory. I feel totally safe, and yet totally out of my element. That's OK. The first step of learning is that incongruity that occurs when what you thought you knew might not be true. I knew I'd be nervous but I didn't expect the butterflies. I'm slowly making friends with them and welcoming them into my being. Everything now has become a moment. How do I feel this moment? What am I thinking? What do I think about that thought? That is not to say that my mind doesn't wander into "What if..." territory. But I carefully bring it back and remind it that we only have this moment. Not the one Wednesday night or next month or next year. And in this moment I am thrilled to be opening my heart to someone new who may become a friend, a love, a future. Current Mood: giddy

Saturday, March 12th, 2005
1:03 pm
Leaving a mark on the world
Today was the Young Writers Exposition for SCUSD. Each time I see parents and "old" students from Sutter I am so touched by their affection for me. They see me from a distance and the warmth that shines through their eyes radiates directly into my heart. They are so proud of the new work they have done, they can't wait to show it to me. Even though I have been gone for 2 years their devotion has not waned. Today I saw CG and her family before going into the room I was leading. I had to stop and read her book as she proudly presented it to me. My group finished a few minutes early so I quickly darted over to Sutter's room and heard CG talk about her book. The teacher asked her when she first got interested in writing. And there it was... "In first grade, Miss Allen taught me how to write." First grade teachers don't get the adults who come back to their high school teachers and tell them how great he/she was or how he/she changed their lives but some sort of mark is left nonetheless. These little children are led into the world of literacy and doors are opened wide. They can read about people and animals who think as they do and be validated. They can be entertained, enlightened and the world suddenly becomes discernible in the eyes of a child. And then the blank pages of a notebook lies before them to be filled with the important things in their world. They write about the things they care most about. Good writing in the early years comes from learning to pay attention. Pay attention to the people in their life, their pets, vacations, and even their teachers. They write and teachers respond. And so the mark is left. It is the smile, the pat on the shoulder, the shine in the eye that tells them they are good at what they do, they are smart and the teacher cares about who they are and who they are becoming. They walk out of our classroom doors and into the world taking with them what we have asked them to believe about themselves. Current Mood: satisfied

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
8:10 pm
Some good newsI haven't posted in quite awhile due to exhaustion. I have been working on report cards for hours and hours at school and feel like I have had it when I get home. But I just had to share my good news. I got a message from Daisy's new owner. That's right; Daisy has a new home. I actually almost erased the message because it started off with "Hi Tere, uh you don't know me but uh..." I thought surely it must be a new marketing ploy! He went on to say how happy they were with Daisy in their family. It was just so wonderful to know that she was in a good home, safe and sound. I called him back tonight and thanked him for letting me know where she was. Coincidentally they are friends with one of the employees from Paws Place and she recognized her right away and said, "Isn't that Daisy Allen?" Her new owners are a couple with a 2 year old; mom stays home with the little boy so she has people around her all day. She is good with the kid and of course maintains her space with that loving growl of hers. She hangs out with them and goes everywhere they do in the car. The cutest part of the story was that this guy is so attached to her and then he told me that he didn't even want a dog. His wife talked him into it. They went to the humane society and there were all these dogs barking and yelping and pacing back and forth. And then he saw this cute little black and white dog with her happy face just lying there looking up at him. He was a goner. And so my Daisy Dog takes on yet another life. East San Jose, Santa Clara and now Almaden. Boy she has covered some ground, hasn't she? Current Mood: relieved

Sunday, March 6th, 2005
7:27 am
Moments of life
A couple of days ago I got a forward from my aunt that put me in mind of what I was trying to say the other day about living the craft of my life. As with all forwards, I have no idea if the story is true but I certainly hope it is. And even if it isn't, it helps me focus on the moments of my life.
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a singlelight in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many driverswould just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis astheir only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger,I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs myassistance, I reasoned to myself.So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail,elderly voice.I could hear something being dragged across the floor.After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stoodbefore me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veilpinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no onehad lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on thecounters.In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware."Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase tothe cab, then returned to assist the woman.She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.She kept thanking me for my kindness."It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way Iwould want my mother treated"."Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could youdrive through downtown?""It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly."Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening."I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don'thave very long."I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you likeme to take?" I asked.For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me thebuilding where she had once worked as an elevator operator.We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived whenthey were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehousethat had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or cornerand would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'mtired. Let's go now."We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a drivewaythat passed under a portico.Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must havebeen expecting her.I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.The woman was already seated in a wheelchair."How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse."Nothing," I said."You have to make a living," she answered."There are other passengers," I responded.Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto metightly."You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said."Thank you."I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost inthought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient toend his shift?What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more importantin my life.We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in whatothers may consider a small one.PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT ~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send it to ten people.But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionateby sending it on.Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might aswell dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it isspecial. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
Current Mood: hopeful

Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
9:12 am
RIF
Where in the world does this seniority power come from in the teaching profession? If we are all about the students we serve, then shouldn't the first teachers to be laid off be those who aren't serving their kids. The ones that roll in at 8:15 and out at 2:30 and never think another thought about their kids until the next day. The ones who see their kids as an interruption in their day. The ones that think the book is god. The ones that haven't had a new idea about how to teach the same old dry curriculum they've been dumping on kids in eons. My sadness about T.V. being pink slipped is slowly simmering into an irritation that may become a letter to someone. He is a second career, first year teacher that is one of the best educators I have ever met. He is smart and dedicated and passionate about teaching and kids. I have found this to be true of so many "new" teachers. They are fresh out of school or subbing and can't wait to get into their classroom and really teach. There has to be a better way. In the real world people's future are dependent upon their past. Sales positions are based on the sales you make. If a department of a company isn't making it, the department disappears. How in the world can your worth as a teacher be based on how many consecutive days you can drag yourself to work? Yes I am a huge proponent of merit pay and no I don't have the first clue as to how you would do it fairly and objectively. But I know this; it wouldn't be based on test scores. There is so much more to teaching and the relationship with kids than a number on a piece of paper. And besides that, T.V. is my favorite person at Mayne. Losing him would be like a final nail in the coffin of my time at Mayne. Not only will I probably not get my transfer back to Sutter but I'll have to hang out here without the fun of T.V. Boo Hoo. Current Mood: cranky

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
8:14 pm
Composting here I comeI am finally going to do it. I am registered for the free county composting class on Saturday. I am ridiculously excited about this new adventure. I have tried starting my first little "pile" in the backyard. Jack is very curious about this. I keep finding banana peels and other such offerings in strange and unusual places. I probably could do this without the class but given the response I have received from my friends I will need to be armed with lots more information than I currently have. This will put me very close to being a 0 garbage resident of the universe. Yipee! Current Mood: excited


7:59 pm
The Craft of Life
Developing the craft of life
Life is all about developing your craft. This is a view that has become clear to me in teaching. I have never been one of those teachers that “got it” and sat back to relax. The love I have for my profession comes in the constant search for new and better ways to teach and to touch those people sitting in the desks. Every year I think about a new area that I can focus on. It could be curriculum, relationship with students, parents, or staff, my view of teachers in the world or just where I am on the journey of my profession. I have had years of being a great reading teacher and it has shifted over time to my great love of teaching writing. And I’m sure it will shift once again because I am changing with each moment and each child that touches my life. There is possibility in each moment of my life. When I wake up in the morning the moments that await me could be the most powerful and life changing ones I may ever encounter. It is up to me. No one is going to jump down from the sky and say, “This is it! This is your moment!” I must be present to the possibility of each moment the way I am present to my students’ needs . I am watching and listening for ways I can make someone else’s life more complete. What I say and do to each person I meet may change their view of the world. It may be as simple as a smile or a greeting, or taking the time for a conversation when I have “things” to do. I walk away more whole and with a new piece to the puzzle that is the me being made. I am constantly in process, becoming who I am yet to be. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a thinking person. A thinking person looks at life and asks why. The why is more important that the what or the how. The why defines me. One person can change the world with what he/she thinks and does. Every decision I make no matter how mundane has the potential to change the course of events. I can watch a student throw a piece of paper in the trash and choose whether to remind him/her that it needs to be recycled. My day is full of these little decisions that become huge in the circle of life. I am blessed to play this role but I do not belittle the part I play simply as one person in the universe. Every decision I make about what I wear, eat or purchase has an impact on the world. My new question is what is life expecting from me? I am not here to take and collect things from the world. I am not expecting anything from life. I am here to give back. The power of one is huge. And so I take my craft of work into my craft of life. Current Mood: contemplative

Monday, February 28th, 2005
6:23 pm
Teacher vent
I just have to vent for a minute about my principal. This morning I was greeted with 2 of my students' published books that had been submitted for the district Young Authors Exposition. The principal wanted the covers to be redone before sending them on to the district. She wanted the first one to be made more "presentable." OK fine. It could have looked better. But the other one she wanted redone because the word field was misspelled. The title was Field Trip Adventure. I wasn't concerned about it because it was definitely decipherable and appropriate for second grade. Field is not a high frequency word and the i-e combination to spell the long e sound isn't exactly common. She could at least have given her credit for spelling adventure right! The part that irritates me is that this principal has been pushing writers workshop big time all year. One of the main tenets is process not product. Writing, especially in the primary grades is very development. It is a long process for a child to achieve standard spelling. I knew what EN's face would like when I told her so I was completely honest. I told her it was fine with me but Mrs. S. wanted her to redo the cover. That brought a smile to her face. She had finished the cover within the first 10 minutes of school. I purposely sent her with the book to the office so the principal would have to compliment her on her work. But of course she wasn't there. Surprise! Surprise! Current Mood: irritated

Sunday, February 27th, 2005
1:23 pm
Picking your parents
I am in the middle of a metaphysical book that has brought up an interesting topic. We choose our parents to help us learn lessons necessary for our spiritual evolution. The first time I heard of this notion was from V several years ago. Well, M and I got a good laugh out of that. Let's see if we picked our parents, what would it be for? Well as I enter into this new era with my parents I am thinking more and more about this. I would have chosen them to be my teacher for something my spirit was in search of. Until last year I looked at my parents as being 2 people in 1 body. But my mother is finally letting herself be revealed to me. My father remains the dominant part of the equation so most of my reflection is on him. Humbleness. We lived a very simple life. Our needs were met but just barely. 4 kids in 5 years was no picnic for anyone. Connection to the earth. There was always a big garden full of fresh vegetables and beautiful flowers.Creating things with your hands. My dad has beautiful houses that he can stand back and admire and say I built that. My mom used to sew and crochet. I'm still working on this. I love crafty things and am so envious of artists who can create great works of beauty with seemingly little effort.Dealing with death or refusing to face it depending on your perspective. This could have been a great lesson in strength if so many of us had not suffered so deeply in the process.Opinionated, self-assured and bull headed. This is the clincher. My parents don't back away from sharing their views with anyone. They are not afraid of losing relationships because of it. Life has taught them to stand up for what they believe no matter the cost. And it has paid off. They still have M and I in their life despite the difficulties of our teen years and later divorces, J comes and goes but the door is still open, and my mom had her siblings once again before they started dieing. The lesson here is to say it and believe it but not to allow your heart to harden because of your viewpoint. You always want a place for people to come home to if they can forgive the hurt feelings. Here is where "class" begins for me. I have my opinions but will sometimes keep them to myself fearing the loss of important people in my life. I'm not about to start calling people nasty names... We'll just see where this new awareness leads.Then this makes me wonder about my children and the parents they chose. What were they hoping to learn to take with them on their spiritual journey? Current Mood: curious

Thursday, February 24th, 2005
2:33 pm
Hotel Rwanda
I don't really think I can write about this in complete sentences:inhumanity to other human beings based on what? the width of a nose or skin tonethe power of 1 - the effect one person perfectly placed can have is astoundingthe role we are placed in and how we respond to the events that ensueshame of a race of peoplewho are the good guysthe role America plays or choses not to play and its effect on an individual lifepolitical use of language - genocidal acts is still genocidethe need for visual cues to soften a calloused heart - we need to see it to fully understand the scopeWe are so generous with aid for natural acts (tsunamis, hurricanes) but want to hide from atrocities inflicted on one another.This certainly did not help my understanding of war and violence. I am still stuck in the 60's and will never out grow Viet Nam. It hurts everything in me to watch it and think about the hatred that precedes the violence. How can that be? Yes, I know. It's all about power. But how can it be? How does power and the need to get it become so overwhelming that you must kill everyone that stands between you and it? I don't really want to understand it in my everyday life but when I see movies (or the news) like that I am completely blown away that this continues to happen. We are smarter than that, we understand genetics and why people appear different, we know that we have more similarities than differences, we all love, and breath and bleed. And yet we continue to take the lives of people who think or look differently. My dream is that at least in California the day is not far off when there will be no race. I love seeing in my students the beauty of white and black and Asian, and Mexican all mixed together. It is clear that the teaching of tolerance is still at the top of the agenda. Current Mood: confused

10:35 am
a letter to Grandpa
My grandfather is surely one of the most amazing men ever born. Each year the gift I give to my him is a letter of thanksgiving for his presence in my life. His birthday is around the corner again so here is the 2005 version.
February 24, 2005
Dear Grandpa,The year has rolled by and your birthday has rotated to the top once more. Birthdays are a time for memories. You have a phenomenal brain and your memories are tightly organized by date, location and people, whereas mine seem to drift freely about. But when March rolls around my “Grandpa” memories float right to the top. The memories I have of you are abundant and of varying sizes and shapes. But the best part is that we are still making them. I always return from my annual Iowa vacation with newfound wisdom from the things you have said or the things we have done together. You were my first and true definition of the word Grandpa. In my dictionary it has many meanings. Wise. Funny. Strong. Loving. Hard working. The hug after Grandma’s iodine. Teacher. I am blessed to have always had you in my life. You have been there for all the happiness and yes, all the sadness too. I have learned from life that dependability is not always easy to come by. Your presence at our birthdays, graduations and weddings was never a question. Somehow just being with you made me smile. You and I could carry on nonsense conversations and laugh and laugh about it. But the sad times showed the power and endurance of your love. One of my strongest memories of Davey’s death is the comfort you brought. You walked out into the backyard and gave me the biggest hug that I can remember. With your arms around me I knew that someday everything would be OK. You were one of the first people I told about my divorce and we never missed a beat. There was no judgment, just another turn in the road that you helped me maneuver. You have seen it all and loved me every step of the way. And now you have completed your 97th year on this wonderful planet. The gifts you have given are many. Patience. Kindness. Respect for Mother Nature. Independence. Love; an unconditional and endless love. I thank you for each of these gifts. They are all an important part of the woman I have become. Current Mood: grateful

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
7:08 pm
Home again
Here I am again back in my quiet peaceful space on Fremont Street. I had a wonderful time in Elk Grove with C. But of course I am always happy to be home. Here are some quick observations: C and I need to spend longer periods of time together. An hour or two here and there isn't enough for a best friend. We created so many new happy memories together during the past few days. Searching for a burger in Elk Grove on a Friday night (Yes we ended up at Chili's, margaritas in hand), 3 Walmarts in 2 days!, dinner and a movie (the perfect date), dripping paint, being part of another one of her moves, hello and goodby hugs that leave me wanting for more. But the most wonderful memory I am always left with is the soft spot to break open my heart and knowing that she will catch the pieces and help me put them back together again.LIfe is more beautiful when I am surrounded with color. Paint is wonderful. It can make something plain and simple sing with joy. Jack appears to be more independent. Perhaps it was my absence or maybe just hanging out with Milo and his mom and dad. Sunshine makes me happy. Pulling weeks or hanging out with the animals on the deck are equally wonderful when the sun is shining.My life is getting ready to change and be born again. I can feel it in the air. Current Mood: happy

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
8:58 pm
Cute kids
I must be in a very good work space these days. I am constantly amused by my kids. Or perhaps it is all part of the looping experience. Classroom management at the end of a 2 year experience begins to resemble more of a family both in terms of the teacher student relationship and the interpersonal relationships among the kids. Everybody knows each other, their strengths, their weaknesses, who works well together and who needs lots of room to roam. Today was just another one of those "cute" days. The crazy principal decided yesterday after school to reorient the risers so we went through everything one more time first thing this morning - no problems with any of it. The kids were cool. Then we walk in to do our dress rehearsal for the students. I look at them and they are totally bunched up, nobody's in "their spot." I look in their eyes and they are glazing over and I think uh oh. They start off strong and everybody relaxes. Then about half way through they get lost. Nobody picked it up and I am too shocked to respond. I finally find the spot and get them back on target. Then they lose it again. Oh man, what is going on? In the break between the last line and the ending song the audience applauds. They all looked right at me thinking I could make the audience stop! They finish applauding, they sing the song, take their bow and the audience applauds again. Not bad - nothing wrong with two rounds of applause. We talked about the bloops; the kids were totally blown away that it happened (and so was I). So I figured they would be fine at the performance. At the end of the day we got into this huge discussion about how nervous they are. I had to pull out all my best cliches to convince everyone that they needed to be there tonight. After all your hard work..., this is like publishing in writing..., the "team" is depending on you..., finally finishing it off with if you're not sick now, I doubt you will be sick at 6;30. I went back to school at 6:00 and they slowly started drifting in. They are dressed up and look so cute, they are hyper but very entertaining. RI tells me that I wore the same black jacket for the performance last year and I was wearing makeup last year just like I am tonight. RG says yeah that's right you wore makeup for the performance last year. You look just the same. Now this is only funny because they are defining make up as lipstick. I wear make up everyday to work but never lipstick. Time passes and I get everyone lined up for their big moment. I calm them down, we do some deep breathing. DWJ says Wow that really helps. I remind him, "That's right breathing is really good for you". We walk calmly onto the risers. Their voices are a little soft but they sound secure. I relax but do not take my eyes off the script. Sure enough they lose it in couple spots again - not the same spots from the rehearsal. There is a brief pause 3/4 of the way through and the audience applauds! Luckily we had experience with that this morning. They wait for them to finish and carry on through the end, take their bow and enjoy their moment in the spotlight. We go back to the classroom and all they can talk about is how relieved they are! They chat, play games and act cool. Everybody goes off with their parents and I head out the door. I stop to chat with Manuel for a second and DWK,who had been pushing my buttons all day comes running back and practically knocks me over. He gives me his big bear hug, looks up at me and says I love you Ms Allen. I love you too buddy, I'll see you tomorrow.Maybe they seem so cute now because next year is looming before me. Chances are pretty good that no matter where I am teaching I'll be back in first grade again. Not my first choice by any means. Perhaps all this cuteness is really a cloaking over sadness at the possibility of leaving a tiny bit more responsible grade level. Or maybe it's all about letting them go. Current Mood: satisfied

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
12:08 pm
My children
I am overwhelmed with mother love. I just came back from the dress rehearsal of the Mayne Performance. The kindergarten did a beautiful song that will have every parent or grandparent in the place sobbing. They walked in to "How Could Anyone Ever Tell You." This was the first time I had ever heard it and I was overcome with emotion. Those beautiful, whole, loving children walked out and I saw M and D. How could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful? How could anyone ever tell you, you are less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice, that your loving is a miracle? How deeply you're connected to my soul. I'll write more about this at some date but for now, it feels good to have the words with which to begin. They are so connected to my soul. Current Mood: teary

Sunday, February 13th, 2005
4:53 pm
Weekend thoughts
My brain has been meandering all weekend. Probably not enough that I could write about any one topic. But here it is as of this moment.Paganism - I now believe that I was unknowingly a pagan right after our separation. That may be why I spent every Sunday hiking through any tree lined hill I could find in the Santa Clara valley (despite safety admonitions from my family). When I was out of sync I would head for the hills - yes even on a week day evening. But I was also working at Seton. Maybe driving 280 everyday just invited me into the trees. So what confuses me now is what has always kept me from paganism; the god/goddess thing. It is just so free and open. I don't get it. Yes, that probably comes from the strict Catholic teachings. The way I understand it is that you can believe in gods/goddesses as symbols, as partners with you or as entities within nature. I just can't quite get my brain around it. Maybe someone out there can help me with this.Buddhism - Could I ever call myself a buddhist if I can't accept all the tenants of the faith. Most Catholics approach their faith as a buffet. You pick and choose the dogma that you can agree with. How else could you have so many millions of people out there calling themselves Catholic? But this time around I really wanted to have a faith that I could call my own. I now think that I will have to define it myself rather than finding one that fits me.Still don't feel comfortable walking into a bar alone. Anytime anyone turns and looks at me I think they are thinking, hmmm... woman alone...R's perspective of our marriage. I really don't know where this has come from but lately I have been wondering what R's view was. Someday soon I will ask him and just see what comes out. Was it enough for him to have a "home" with dinner on the table when he rolled in? Did he even want a "partner?" That always leads to wonder about his definition of marriage. He was much happier in it than I was. His life was a clear split between his parents relationship and his mom's marriage to P which was more of a business relationship. If that was his definition, he was probably content.Stages of the 22 years together - Early years, the kids' elementary school years, leaving the liquor store and entering the real world (for both of us), downhill, hitting bottom. Silence hurts more than the truth - This was the ultimate demise of our marriage. R just had a hard time expressing his feelings. So this leaves me wondering what did he think? What did he feel? However, this fear of silence remains with me today. Anytime I put myself out there or take a risk of any kind and am responded to with silence my brain takes off with its own dialog. It may have nothing to do with what is really in the hearts of the silent party. I still have self esteem issues.Search for furniture for small spaces remains a challenge. Anyone know where I can find a TV armoire that isn't 6' tall but at least looks like it is well made and will hide a 26" TV? I have been to C&K, Penney's and Ikea.Jack's avocado supply - to this posting I have confiscated 4 of them. Saturday morning it was really cute when Jack was found in the bedroom chewing on his first avocado from the neighbor's tree. But now it's not so funny. He chews and chews trying to get to the pit. My neighbor has an avocado tree but when Daisy was in charge I thought they were coming from the squirrels. Jack is definitely more focused!So there is my brain on a weekend. Exhausting! Current Mood: thoughtful

Thursday, February 10th, 2005
5:13 pm
Funny kids
My class was on a roll today. This is one of those times when I should be writing them all down and making my millions on a published book of second grade one liners. Let's see how many I can remember.Ms Allen, wasn't that nice of me to bring red envelopes to everyone in the class yesterday? (Oh yes, C it certainly was!)Cl just told me that G is sick. (Hmmm... I see. And M, why are YOU telling me this?)As D walked clear around to the other side of the room I asked what he was doing there. I just wanted to go and see V's pictures. (OH. And did someone give you permission to go see Vis picture?)I told the class that for our art lesson today we would be painting pictures for our informational books. Oh Ms. Allen you are the best teacher in the world.What time is the 100th Day of School party? (We're not having a party) Oh yeah, that's right. What time are the 100th Day of School ACTIVITIES?When asked to write about the importance of the Statue of Liberty, Gabriel wrote - after the expected part about freedom - it was important because it was a birthday present for the 4th of July and my birthday is SO close. It's the THIRD of July. So I will never forget about The Statue of Liberty.At the end of a day that consisted of readers theater practice, publishing, painting, and 100th Day activities, Christiane shouted out THIS was a GREAT day.It is nice to see them more relaxed this week. And their funny little comments have helped me to slow down and enjoy life from the kid's perspective again. It's not about The Big Test, who will make the bench mark reading level in March or even 3 digit math with regrouping. They are little people just like grownups with good days and bad. They are guided like us by their hopes and dreams. They have a sense of humor and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. On days like this I would work for free. Current Mood: amused

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
9:10 pm
Faith and Needless Facts
I heard a short NPR interview from the famous folks from Kansas regarding evolution and creation in regards to the science curriculum. I was astounded with the blind faith they had in the words of Genesis. In their minds, this is the word of God. How could anyone dispute it? It has occurred to me that the deep faith of the conservative religious right and their lack of concern for facts to back up their views may be connected. When a person's perspective of life is based on faith there is no need for facts. We are taught that if you truly believe, you will accept it on faith. You don’t need evidence. When the president speaks he expects us to believe him and is surprised when questioned. In addition to that, you are made to feel inferior if you cannot accept the tenants of your given faith without evidence. In the Christian religion, a doubting Thomas has taken on its own identity and it is not necessarily a good thing. It is a put down aimed to abruptly end a discussion which is heading toward the final response, “You just need to have more faith.” To doubt or even to question is considered blasphemous. This was a prominent part of my upbringing and thus became part of my parenting. Now as I ponder this whole connection, it becomes one more thing that I will change in my next life. We need to approach all things in life with questions. Why? Why? Why? The view of the 4 year old is the view of a scientist; always questioning and in the process learning about purpose, cause and effect, and the results of our actions or inactions. When we close our minds by “just having faith” we limit the possibilities. In essence we stop thinking. If I had it to do over I would not have subjected my children to any organized religion. The world is too big and too marvelous to be explained away by religious dogma that gets lost or seriously edited in translation. Or maybe instead I would have immersed them in all the religions I could find! I am slowly realizing that this is where my journey has taken me. To learn, to question, to think... about it all. Current Mood: curious

Friday, February 4th, 2005
4:34 pm
Little boys' profanity
Little boys love playing with Daddy's four letter words. This is not uncommon for 2nd graders - especially in Alviso but today was a landmark. This was the first time I've had boys practicing bathroom talk, using it in the correct context and every word spelled correctly. After reading workshop I noticed a little disturbance, nothing big just a little chatter. When I asked GC what was going on he said, "Everyone says I should tell." So I prodded him to follow their advice and tell me what was going on. With a very sad voice he said, "GWC wrote this note." I tried to console him, thinking the note contained something hurtful; I hate you, You're dumb, or maybe I'm not playing with you at recess. I held out my hand and he gave it up without delay. In the palm of my hand laid a tiny scrap of paper torn from the corner of a math worksheet with the word asshole on it. Keeping my voice steady, I asked GWC if he had written the note. He nodded his head without hesitation. Thinking that was it, I told him that he would need to go to the office. Again nodding his head he calmly told me that GC had also written a note. When I questioned GC he said it was true. I asked him where it was and he told me it was on the other side. Yes! The other side of the tiny scrap of paper. I flipped it over and read the words, "My cock is really, really big." Now in order to get the true picture,you must know that GC is not only a mere 7 year old child but is also one of the tiniest boys in the class. So the whole image of his really really big cock was almost more than I could handle. Somehow I restrained my laughter and told them they would both be going to the office. Now as I reflected on this it seemed to me that asshole is probably the perfect resonse to one guy bragging about his cock to another. I'm not a guy so I could be wrong about this. From the teaching standpoint I have to take pride in the standard spelling of every word. GWC hasn't always been the best speller in the world so I was quite impressed with his word knowledge. And GC has learned how writing can me made more interesting by using repetition. Those mini-lessons on writers craft have not been in vain. Current Mood: amused

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
8:37 pm
The tears of a child
Tears have always seemed an extremely sad thing to me. I personally hate to cry. It gives me a headache that lasts into the next day. When I cry I try to keep it short and sweet. In 15 years of teaching I've probably witnessed at least a quart of children's tears Some of them have had very little emotion behind them but others have broken my heart. My 3rd year in the classroom I had a girl that cried every day and I'm talking cried and sobbed out loud each and every day for half of the school year. I thought I was a pretty good teacher until I met her. Talk about a depressing way to start the day. First grade always invites lots of "I miss my Mom" tears so I thought moving up to 2nd grade would put a stop to the tear thing. In 2 days I've had 2 of my kids in tears; not from playground stuff but from the classroom environment. Nancy was on day 3 of a work moratorium and I came down pretty hard on her. But the tears didn't come until I told her how much faith I had in her. I knew she could do the work because she had shown me that over and over again in the last year and a half. When her eyes hit mine, the tears flowed over her bottom lid like a pot bubbling over. It broke my heart to watch it and continue on with my stream of "I have faith in you" diatribe. We ended with an I love you hug and a tissue. I prayed that she would hear my voice in the darkness of the night and come back to school renewed. I greeted her in line this morning with an extra smile and a compliment on how nice she looked. She rewarded me with that happy face, pure and innocent like nothing ever happened. She came in, got right to work and as I was walking by her desk she looked up at me and said, "I thought about what you said, Miss Allen and I know I can do it." My heart melted into a little puddle on her paper. Oh man, that is what it's all about! Now today's tears were from my friend, Dillon. He was a huge challenge for me last year - total refusal to participate, center of attention - the negative variety, at risk behavior which put us all at risk. But somehow I broke through the tough outer layer and we have had a great relationship together. Today's tears were pure frustration with making up work that wasn't done because of the questionable decisions he has made this week. Evidently he likes to play and laugh more than write an informational piece on the bald eagle. But he was put to the test when today was the last day of drafting and he had failed to complete the piece despite my extra recess and lunch time work sessions and allowing him to take his writing home 2 nights in a row. I started the day with "Did you work on your writing last night, Dillon." (Shakes his head no) "Why not?" "I went to sleep." "Hmmm..." was my only response. Our final work time was at lunch today. As the last bell rang his eyes immediately swelled up and turned red while he rubbed the tears away. Once again I wanted to weep for the brokenness that has dominated his young life. He asked if he could take his work home again. How could I say no to this boy? Once again, the pep talk. He left school with a smile, hardly recalling anything that happened that day. His mom promised it will be done and I'm sure it will be. And what will be the cost? Teaching demands making judgment calls all day long. How much assistance does this student need at this moment? What does s/he need to get motivated? Do I play the good cop or bad cop this time? How much help is too much? When I feel that irritation deep in my stomach I know that I have too much invested in the assignment and need to look deep into the child's eyes, and take in the emotions that are inhibiting the work. Tomorrow is Friday. It's time to loosen the reins. We'll have art in place writing workshop; everyone will smile and relax and the room will overflow with children's laughter. We will all leave our tears at the door. Current Mood: sympathetic

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
7:54 pm
First I have to give myself a little pat on the back. It's Tuesday and I fulfilled my goal of going to the gym. It was a little painful but I did it. The best part is that I didn't trade it for Jack's walk. He got his walk around Wilson field before dinner. He seems to like it there - better than Lincoln Ave and those rude cars and trucks that just zip by without even noticing he's on the planet, let alone inches from their speeding wheels. Wilson has lots of soft grass and dog scented trees. And sometimes there's even joggers to follow or other dogs to check out. I suppose the reason I was able to go to the gym tonight was the need to process a weird little event that took me by surprise today. I was having my daily chat/Spanish lesson with Manuel, the custodian from Sutter transplanted at Mayne when he approached the subject of Ash Wednesday. Now M had seen me once at St. Clare's while I was sponsoring C (that still seems funny to me... allowing a big time sinner and rule breaker like me to sponsor the unbaptized). Anyway I gave him my snide little remarks about never stepping foot in a Catholic church again and he kept persisting like an inquisitive parent. Finally I realized that he hadn't heard the firing story. Even after I told it, he continued on so I was forced to try and explain the emotion and betrayal that went with my unemployment. Now the surprise was that as I was telling him this my voice started to shake. I didn't really know that the wound was still there. I thought my anger and resentment had buried it, never to see the light of day again. Surprise. The rest of the conversation was very curious. I came to realize how stubborn Christians can me. At first it seemed to be concern for my soul but then it appeared to be more like I had hurt him personally. Because I didn't agree with his definition of God, Jesus and salvation he's going to pray for me. Now I have no problem with people praying for me but not the prayer to "come back." His last words were that he would think about it. That's a good thing. This all made me realize how difficult it is to change yourself in someone else's eyes. You are who they make you to be. The image they have of you can not be altered by anyone but themselves. I am a person who embraces change. No, actually I can't live without change. But there are people who I truly care about who still see me as a mouthy teenager, a submissive wive, a little sister that needs to be shown how to live life. I am challenged by ways to break that image without destroying the relationship in the process. No, I don't go to church, I no longer conform to others expectations of me, I meditate, I walk in the woods and ponder the big bang theory, I sleep with a dog and like it a lot. In the words of P, aren't we all in the process of "becoming?" Why does the old picture of Tere remain in others' minds? It is time to replace it with the new one. Yes, she has a few wrinkles around the eyes and wears contacts to display them proudly, a sprinkling of gray hair that will never be dyed or highlighted so that children might see a different view of beauty that comes with age. And what about the spirit/soul? Perhaps it is ready to come out and show its true colors too. Current Mood: curious

Sunday, January 30th, 2005
5:01 pm
My Zen
What a wonderful day! I got up determined to go to the gym and I actually did it. It has been 4 months since I have been there. My excuse has been "I’m sick." I could hardly breathe, I didn’t really think I should get on the treadmill or try to do anything very involved with 10 pound weights. Of course this hasn’t kept me from walking with Kathy on Wednesdays or walking the dogs. Well whatever this is I have is here to stay so when I was in Florida I promised myself I would go back to working out. Strangely enough the week passed without the 4 Runner stopping at the gym. I reasoned with myself that I was walking Jack, that was enough, wasn’t it? Anyway I made it back to my first workout. The first time is always the hardest. Maybe a Tuesday; Thursday, Saturday/Sunday schedule would work. When I came home the sun was shining brightly and begging me to come out and play in the dirt. It was a great opportunity to show Jack the benefits of a big back yard. Well Jack had other ideas. Actually it’s the same idea he always has, how about a little nap on the couch? After about 3 trips in to bring him back out I shut off the pet door. Now he was forced to have fun outside! He did a little sniffing, a little chewing on the woody branches and a little digging but walking slowly and aimlessly from place to place. I moved around in the yard so he would get a feel for all the different areas. But the greatest attraction was Max, much to Max’s dissatisfaction. They chased each other, Jack did his dance and Max did his swatting maneuver. Jack could not be distracted. Finally Max went over the fence leaving Jack to his own entertainment. And then he finally did it! Milo’s run around the yard thing. It was hysterical. I was by the roses. He would head right for me as fast as he could go, looking me dead in the eye and when he was within inches of me he would make a sharp turn and head for the deepest part of the yard then turn again and head for the deck. He went round and round until he was finally exhausted and laid out in the sun on the deck. What a funny dog. And as for me, I was in my glory, my hands covered with mud pulling weeds here and there. This is a real zen thing for me. The minute my hands hit the dirt there is a peacefulness that comes over me unlike anything short of meditating. My first thought is AAAHHHHH, there it is again. Then I realize that this is what I have needed, sunshine and mud. How lucky I am to live in a climate that can have a “spring” day in January. As the roots come out, they bring the underlayers of mud that immediately dry and crumble from the sun leaving the look of some sort of fruit crisp or French Apple pie. The worms are shocked out of their dark homes and look desperately for the way back. My brain relaxes and rambles. My first thought is I love being in my garden. The second thought is what a dweeb to be so content with such a simple existence. And then it lets go. I ponder work, my kids, my friends’ lives, the messiness of democracy, the utter beauty of nature at work. I develop a love for my weeds because they spread wide with a small stem in the center. I can cover quite a bit of ground in a hurry and it feels so great to have accomplished something. And what is it? I have pulled away the green leaving brown in its place. But it has a sense of order to it now. There’s a pattern that has returned. As I go back to my thoughts I feel two things simultaneously; the blessings that I have been given in this existence and a questioning of the pain in the lives of others. M has been out of work since July - a family of 5 with no income. D is drifting without work as his compass. And I complain about the school budget… Silly. K is looking at yet another hip replacement to replace the replacement. If there ever was a man that should be blessed by his god it is K. He is the closest thing to a holy man I have ever met and yet he has been destined to endure this pain and frustration over and over again. Even grandfatherhood eludes him. C and G are both trying to get pregnant and can’t. It was so easy for me. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Maybe M’s worries about children are needless. Maybe there was something in the water and this generation will all be burdened with invasive medical intervention just to do something as simple as conceive a child. Oh look out! I’m losing my zen. My knuckles feel the stiffness that age is bringing along. My fingers are cold and wet and oh so muddy. But there is such beauty in the outline of my fingernails caked with living earth. I reluctantly go in to wash my hands and watch as the dirt mixes with water and becomes an earthen stream flowing from my finger tips. This is life at its simplest. Sunshine, mud and me. Current Mood: dirty

Saturday, January 29th, 2005
4:17 pm
1/05 comes to an end
As January comes to a close I can feel a sense of relief in the air. It has been filled with many sad and challenging events. It began with Daisy's injury and eventual departure, followed by Dad's diagnosis and surgery, and in between there were several unforeseen financial expenditures and predictions that have brought fear back into my life. All of the sad events were followed by happiness. They may not have seemed that way at first glance but in looking back it was the way things had to be. My dad's surgery has given him a look at humility and rebirthed his inner strength and will to live. It has also given Mom an appreciation for the love they have shared and possibly a look at what the future may hold. And as his child, I have come to see the fragility of life - the Allen name no longer guarantees a long and healthy life. I hold him a little tighter now and cry a little harder with each good-by. Daisy's departure has left in her wake a feeling of peace. I know she is alive and that is all I asked. It is quieter here. I had forgotten how I missed the silence. Each living thing in our home has found an identity that is stronger in her absence than we were in her presence. That takes nothing away from the love I have for her nor does it diminish the hole that is left in her place. But we are all better for it. And so I am reminded of the yin and the yang of the uninverse. Positive and negative. Fullness and emptiness. It is the way it must be. We can not feel joy without experiencing sadness. Friendship has no meaning without the comparison of loneliness. We would never appreciate the beauty of sunshine without the gray of rain storms that come before it. All things must be in balance. Current Mood: peaceful

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
9:16 pm
Budget Blue
sI have been purposely avoiding all the school gossip about the budget cuts until today... The principal took the beginning of our professional development time to update everyone. I hate all that emotional stuff -the quivering voice, the worst case scenario approach, the "let's me kind to each other" admonition. So what does the future hold? 80 layoffs - Is that me? 30 to 1 class size - Do I even remember how to do that? No vice principal - could make for a very crabby principal. And what happens to my transfer dream? I know that this is the game that is played out every spring but this year it feels very real. Where does a district come up with $5 million without an avalanche of rolling heads. It all just feels sad. The black cloud is hanging over us all. And why does the school board get to see the priority cut list before the teachers? I just don't get it. We are the pawns that everybody thinks they can move around and we will perform for them. 20 kids, 30 kids; ah what's the difference? The teachers can do it. Oh yeah, we're all invincible. This little post is getting depressing. So how about a mantra? I will keep my job, I will be happy, I will not shoot the superintendent. Current Mood: uncomfortable

Monday, January 24th, 2005
5:40 pm
Daisyless
This is day number two without Daisy and it is... it is quiet. There is the quiet as you wait for the swing of the pet door in the morning, the quiet as I leave for the day without her following me to the door and the upturned head questioning when I will be back, the quiet upon my return without the scampering feet and wagging tail and look of pure love to greet me, the quiet as she once again goes through the pet door to take her place outside after she is sure I have fallen asleep, the quiet, always the quiet. And in the silence hang the questions. Where is she? Is that tail wagging or hanging in sadness. How is she reacting to new people? What about all that barking? Can she sleep? What is she eating? Is she bound by the dual side walls of the humane society or by the eternity of euthanization? No that's the question I can't ponder yet. I have to believe that if she was adoptable when I got her, she's an even better bet now. I miss her terribly. There is an emptiness deep inside.But then out of the darkness comes Jack and all the joy that he brings in such a compact package. He's learning about life in the world. He can cuddle now with the best of them on top of or even under the covers. He is learning to take a little more control of that funny blue leash of his. Our walk lasted for a whole 30 minutes today. Now that is not to say that we covered much ground. There's a lot of sniffing, jumping in surprise from new sounds (tires hitting manhole covers)and objects (bicycles), more sniffing, meeting new dogs, following joggers, and yes, more sniffing. He brings a smile to my heart and I can't help but laugh out loud at his funny little face while he tries to entice Max to play. Who knows? He may even learn to bark one day soon. And maybe that will help heal the quiet left by Daisy. Current Mood: listless

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
9:47 pm
Religion
Hmmm... I guess that I can safely say that I have left the Catholic faith.1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%) 2. Theravada Buddhism (98%) 3. Unitarian Universalism (91%) 4. Jainism (87%) 5. Neo-Pagan (81%) 6. Liberal Quakers (81%) 7. Hinduism (77%) 8. Taoism (72%) 9. New Age (66%) 10. Secular Humanism (66%) 11. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (65%) 12. Sikhism (65%) 13. Orthodox Quaker (58%) 14. Bahá'í Faith (47%) 15. New Thought (42%) 16. Nontheist (41%) 17. Reform Judaism (41%) 18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (34%) 19. Scientology (32%) 20. Orthodox Judaism (29%) 21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (29%) 22. Seventh Day Adventist (26%) 23. Jehovah's Witness (26%) 24. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (23%) 25. Islam (16%) 26. Eastern Orthodox (12%) 27. Roman Catholic (12%) Current Mood: relieved

Friday, January 14th, 2005
3:10 pm
The long good-by has begun. I am slowly and hesitantly saving good-by to the dog who wagged herself into my life. I have finally come to the realization that I can't keep Daisy here any longer. She is a danger to herself. Today was her first day of life on a dog run and it was so incredibly sad to watch. The dog that has the ability to easily leap over 6 foot fences, dodge cars and trucks on Lincoln Ave. and practically climb a redwood tree in search of pesky squirrels must find a new home. My heart is breaking and I am crying like a little kid losing her first pet. Daisy was not just a dog. She has been my friend and roommate since Christine found her own home. She hikes with me. She camps with me. She even does lesson plans with me. The search for Daisy took weeks and endless trips to the Humane Society. But the minute I saw her, I knew she was the one. That wagging tail had the power to melt my heart from the very beginning. We have had some great adventures – Big Basin, the beach, drives along the coast, San Diego, the Grand Tetons and even Iowa. She is a well-traveled dog. Her love was the most pure and unconditional that I have ever witnessed. Each and every day she was there to welcome me home whether I had been gone for 10 minutes or a week. The wagging tail and smiling face had the power of erasing anything bad that happened in my world. I have always known this day would come but I never dreamed that I would feel so sad. Daisy has been a roamer from the beginning. I suppose I thought she would just not come home one day or that I would find her in the middle of the street. Having to make the decision to move her myself is so much harder. It's like being the one that breaks up with a lover. You know her heart is going to break and it's all your fault. No matter what you say or how you do it you will still be alone at the end. I will miss my Daisy Dog forever. Current Mood: sad

Thursday, January 13th, 2005
8:36 pm
You Are 27 Years Old

27
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
Current Mood: amused

4:27 pm
Good news - Bad news
It has been an exhausting week full of good news and bad. My dad is doing very well. I don't think he will really need my help next week but it will be nice to see him healthy again. This is my January spring break! I don't regret the decision to go. Mom got the instructions on his new diet and walking regimen today. This is going to be really interesting. I saw C Tuesday night at the DKG meeting and she told me that there will be one and possibly two openings at Sutter next year. I couldn't even allow myself to think about that news until the next day. It just seems too good to be true. Finally something wonderful has happened in 2005.Daisy has recovered from her last adventure. As a matter of fact (and here is the bad news) when I got home today she was out romping through the neighborhood AGAIN. I absolutely do not know what to do. Obviously the diversion of a second dog has not deterred her from wanting to see what's on the other side of the fence. I have discovered she is now jumping over the neighbor's fence. So she cruises in and out through the neighbor's yard! Now what? I can't tie her up for the week I'm gone. That seems cruel. But if she's left loose her life is in danger. She's not smart enough to figure this stuff out. I love her but I'm not sure I can keep her. So then I open my mail to a letter from my doctor informing me that my bone density scan shows osteopenia, the beginning of thinning of the bones. Ain't life grand?I have worked my little fanny off this week getting everything in order to leave the classroom next week. My head was swimming from morning til night. My brain was focused on a lesson I was planning for next week during most of the lessons I taught this week. I have really gotten good at short term planning with long term goals. So this was a killer. I thought my head was going to explode. Or maybe that was just my sinus infection flaring up again. Anyway the worst is over. So on Saturday I will be stepping onto a plane and heading for January sunshine. Current Mood: confused

Monday, January 10th, 2005
5:41 pm
Exhaustion from doing nothing but worrying
I had almost forgotten how exhausting it can be to just worry something to death. That's what I did today! All I could think about all day long was my father laying on the operating table with his chest cavity open hooked up to a heart lung machine. OOOH! I woke up at 5 (8 in Florida) the time he went to the hospital. It was almost a pleasure to run copies, do bus duty and try to figure out how to explain map stuff to those cuties who don't really get the bizarre English language instead of the mental image of your father undergoing heart by-pass surgery. But the end result is that Dad came through the surgery fine. The doctor said it went better than expected but the damage was more than expected. After school (and I had called the hospital) all I could think about was getting things ready for my January spring break. It's times like this when I realize how obsessive I really am. My plan was to do one day's sub plan each day this week. Well, I am very close to having the whole week done. Sometimes I just can't let go of stupid stuff. But I am home, the dogs are happy and all is well. We'll let that final writing workshop observation take care of itself tomorrow... Current Mood: exhausted

Sunday, January 9th, 2005
7:35 pm
The dog house
It is time for a review of the dog status on Fremont Street. It is also time for me to let go of the adjustment of one and the recovery of the other dog living here. Daisy has been sleeping with me for the past several nights. It seemed like a good idea. I could be assured that she was off her feet for 8-10 hours a day and at the same time I wouldn't have to deal with Jack or Max fighting with her and me for bed space. Then Jack decided he was no longer house trained. Hmm... Do you think those 2 things could be connected? Very possibly!! Last night I had gotten Daisy settled down for the night and I noticed a distinct odor. It kind of reminded me of rotting food and it occurred to be that it could be rotting flesh. As my nose moved down her body I stopped when I got to her front leg. Oh Yuck! I didn't think I would have to deal with nursing her again until she ripped the tape off herself. But this was definitely not an encouraging sign. I prepared myself for the worst, somehow managed to keep my voice soft and loving while I attempted to cut the tape away. With each tiny snip I was motivated to continue because I didn't see a thing - no split in the flesh, no funny colors, nothing. Wow! Maybe she's totally healed. And then I saw it. It is definitely better but not healed. The two pieces of flesh have indeed grown back together and what is left looks like a very tender and open abrasion. She was thrilled to get a look at her own leg again and I let her lick to her heart's content until she started getting a little carried away. I tuned up my soft and loving voice again and surprised her with a couple helpings of peroxide. It was the first time I had actually seen a pain reaction from her during this whole ordeal. I piled on the neosporin and taped her up again. She was very irritated with me so she chose the rug over the bed until about 2:30 and slept in late. Then Jack struck again. There was pee on the floor when I got up, and then he decided to poop while I was doing I don't know what. Well that was the last straw. Jack got his first look at the screamer and was booted out the door. The dogs spent the day outside and it was fabulous for both of them. Daisy looked much stronger and Jack was frolicking and leaping over plants, chasing Max and trying to figure out why Daisy was making those angry noises at the cute little squirrels. So I was ready to invest a little more in my canine friends. I was off to Petco. I found a "run" for Daisy that I think is going to work pretty well - a 50'line that runs overhead between the trees and she'll have 6' on either side - and a dog house for Jack. Well, come to find out it seems that Jack is absolutely terrified of enclosed dark spaces. We tried some behavior therapy by putting dog treats in the back of the house. His solution was to stretch out his body as far as he possibly could and snag the treats without actually getting his back feet in the house. Very entertaining. All the while Daisy is prancing in and out of her house, sticking her head into his trying to demonstrate how great dog houses are. But Jack would have no part of it. The rest of the afternoon they ran, hobbled at times, barked at squirrels, plowed over plants and generally had a good time. When it got dark, I heard that familiar scratching at the door. My heart weakened and I opened the pet door. The plan for now is to just let things follow their course; no special treatment for the recovering border collie and hopefully Jack will remember the appropriate location for his little gifts. Current Mood: refreshed

7:26 pm
Pictures don't lie
Looking through old photographs can bring back all the feelings and emotions you felt on the day the picture was taken. The brain has a direct line to the heart. As you take in the sight of the picture your emotions take over; you smile, you laugh, you cry, you are overcome with the love or the pain of that moment. Similarly you can see what is behind the picture. Smiling through pain that gives the eyes a slight glaze, clutching your children with white knuckles and knowing that’s all that keeps you connected to the world. All this and more can be seen in pictures. It is the same with the photos of true friends. When we share our stories we quickly recognize that behind the half smile may be spousal abuse. Pictures of babies running free because their parents scream at one another in the dark of night. Pictures of the so called happy family who has an alcoholic in their midst. Yes, pictures have the power to record and hold our emotions forever. We look, we feel, we love. Current Mood: nostalgic

Saturday, January 8th, 2005
6:50 pm
2005 - off to a rocky start
Saturday, wonderful Saturday. That means time to breathe and leisurely do the laundry, go to the grocery store, take care of business and even go to the doctor again. I have admitted defeat and am ready to say that I might actually have allergies as opposed to a lingering cold. 2 months is quite a long time for sniffles. I came home with a nasal wash, a steroid nasal spray, claritin, an antibiotic and more sudafed. This ought to take care of it, one way or another. At the very least my ears should be clear enough to fly next week.Thus far, I am not at all impressed with the new year. My dog sliced open her leg, my dad is having heart surgery, my cell phone died and Jack now thinks it's a good idea to pee in the kitchen. I am in severe debt but hey, that's what summer school is for, right? The bright side is that I have charged enough on my credit card to earn my free airline ticket back to Iowa in August! I also have a new toy to play with. I love my vision phone. I thought they were so silly when they came out; who would want to take a picture with their PHONE? I've had mine for 12 hours, the phone book is completely set up and I have already taken 3 pictures - 1 of Daisy, 1 of Jack and 1 of a corset. M has introduced me to yet another fascinating piece of female attire - corsets. We journeyed off to San Francisco today in search of a bridal corset. I tell you, it is just fascinating. I think I hear Victoria's Secret calling me. Current Mood: weird

Thursday, January 6th, 2005
10:02 pm
9:50 pm
You are Kermit the Frog.You are reliable, responsible and caring. And youhave a habit of waving your arms aboutmaniacally.FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and"Sheesh!"FAVORITE MOVIE:"How Green Was My Mother"LAST BOOK READ:"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to theInternet"HOBBIES:Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.QUOTE:"Hmm, my banjo is wet."


Success
I almost forgot how much I love Thursdays until just now. Just one more day and I can breathe again. Teachers are so bitchy. Sometimes I wonder why we do this. Are Engineers like this when Friday comes around? OK once again I have nothing profound to write about but it was another interesting day in the Allen world. My day began with a 6:00 phone call from my loving parents. Perhaps the goal was to wake me up, take advantage of my weakened condition and talk me out of coming to Florida. But unfortunately for them, I had already eaten breakfast and was enjoying my coffee. When the phone rings at 6:00, the possibilities are limited. Although I must admit Christine called at 6;40 earlier in the week so my mind did wander for a second. But of course I answered to my father's command, "WAKE UP!" I guess I was mellow enough just to let them command away and tell me all the reasons I shouldn't come. I followed my new rule of just not responding and was rewarded once again. I love this! Even Mom and Dad can't argue with thin air. The last attempt was the threat of "calling my daughter." I suppose the assumption there is that she would be able to tell me how CRAZY I was being. I'm still not sure what that was about. My final response was "I'm a grown up. I get to do whatever I want." This is what comes from hanging out with small children! OK So I figure it's over and I have the rest of the day to weigh the options and decide whatever I want. I go to school, turn on my computer and am greeted with an e-mail from my mother which was sent at the exact same time that they called me. How do they do this stuff? This time I did try to explain my thinking and the top layer of my emotions. I'm not sure what it means that she has still not responded to that one. It probably means they are ranting about that stubborn kid of theirs :) One of my quandaries was of course my class. I put in for my sub request and she happened to be at Mayne today. She is available and excited to be back in my room. I take that as a "sign." So I have finally hit send on the plane ticket and there is no going back now. My January spring break is now destiny. Current Mood: accomplished

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
7:53 pm
Mother's Love
I wrote this once and my computer decided to freeze up on me - maybe it's not supposed to be published. But I will give it another shot...Every day I wonder what I will write in my journal and I picture myself meditating and coming to some great realization about the meaning of my life. But then life kind of hits me in the face and all I can do is reflect on the wonderful and bizarre people and the things they do and say.The first event worthy of mentioning is the e-mail from my mother about my dad's by-pass surgery. Yep - the surgeon agreed with me. The surgery is scheduled for bright and early Monday morning. Maybe my opinions have gained some credibility now. So I e-mail my mom and tell her I will come to help them out. And her response is that I had better check that out with my father. Is this some sort of elderly equivalent to wait til your father gets home. So then Dad e-mails STAY AT HOME! Hmmm... interesting. So I e-mail Mom back suggesting that she will be the one in charge of the recovery and wouldn't she like some help. Well that's when the brick hit me in the face - came out of nowhere. Some line about how he was closer to death with his pneumonia than he will be with the heart surgery. And if they can get through that alone they can get through anything alone. Hmmm... that's interesting. Let's take a look at it from my parent's perspective. First and foremost, for whatever reason, they can't accept help from anyone especially their CHILDREN. As I recall, Dad's recovery from pneumonia was in the hospital with 24 hour medical care. The only thing I heard from them about his recovery at home was that he had trouble sleeping and he had to rest after everything he did. (But maybe he shouldn't have been attempting to bleach the roof of the house while on oxygen.) But in the long run, I'm sure I will go. They can fret all they want about the air fare, missing work, blah blah blah. In the end we all have to make the decision that we can live with ourselves, not what anyone else tells us to do or not do. Then later in the afternoon I get an e-mail from my aunt. She goes on about Dad's issues for a bit and then mentions the letter I sent to Dad. It seems that Mom had shared it with her. So maybe I hit a nerve after all. Why can they share their feelings more easily with others than with their own children?When I finally get home I am greeted with an e-mail from C and a sweet story about the picture they gave me for Christmas. Now I take another look and yes, I see it. D is opening his arms to his mother's love. Now the gift takes on even more power. It is on the bookcase and is the first thing I see when I come home each day (after the explosion of canine affection). There is something about that photograph that can make me feel the love from the handfasting each time I look at it. It's got to be D because you can't even see my face!And so I ponder once again, Mother's love. This has been a big mystery for me for many years. After our divorce I told myself that M and D didn't need mothering anymore; there was nothing more I could do for them. But the truth of it was that I had to heal myself before I could give love to anyone else. Despite the pleasure of my little Texas jaunt it was M and D that brought me back and keep me here. Not from anything they have said or done but the from hole that is left in my heart when we're separated. I can't imagine life without them. They keep me grounded. Their life experiences help me grow in strange and wonderful ways. I love seeing them in love - that has been truly unexpected. I suppose that is what makes me think that I don't exactly fit the mold of the mother of a couple of 20 something kids. There is no script. We don't do the typical "family" things so I am trying to learn to listen with my heart. But there is still something that holds me back - fear of something that I can't name. What is it? I am not ordinary and have no desire to be so. The bottom line is that I am loved deeply by both of my kids and their great loves. I am slowly learning to lead with my heart instead of my head. Mothering is that thing that is constantly changing shape and size as I age and grow. Today it feels like a warm comforter that covers me from head to toe and enfolds me into the loving arms of my children. Current Mood: loved

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
6:23 pm
Ahhh... Tuesday
Tuesday is over. That is a good thing. I survived my writing workshop observation and really did not care - for the first time in my career - about who was there or what they thought. I just did my thing with my little ones. They weren't really "on" but that was fine. That gave me a place to take them. I dearly love teaching writing. I used to thing it was all about reading but writing brings the inside out. But I digress... my whole attitude about pleasing the principal was gone today. Oh, that feels so great. Is it the meditation or maybe there have been some really big things taking the place of worrying about the little things. Whatever it is, I like it. Now on to the big things. Daisy seems better today. The tail is back in motion again. The tape job seems to be working; she hasn't chewed it off and it feels secure. She still looks incredibly helpless hobbling from room to room or out the pet door. It is amazing what animals can handle. She is my hero - a strong and independent woman who isn't afraid to walk out when things get ugly. Her power obviously comes from the rear and propels her forward when she really needs to get back home. Dad is on the verge of a 6 way by-pass and still can't talk about the real stuff of life. At least 2 of his kids will be there whether he wants us there or not. Help is definitely a 4 letter word for the Allens. Oh, I am so glad to be, ever so slightly tiptoeing away from the White Anglo Saxon Protestant "life is hard" crap that reared me. I shutter to think what this is all going to be like. #1, the prospect of actually leaving my classroom in someone else's hands - never done that before. Then walking into a weakened version of my all knowing father. And then there is mom... how on earth will she handle this all? Live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment... Everything that is meant to be, will be. Current Mood: tired

Monday, January 3rd, 2005
3:26 pm
What's to be done about a dog who likes to roam
Oh Daisy! What have you done? Coming home with a huge gash on your leg... No money for stitches... What do we do now? Yes, Daisy left early yesterday and wasn't home before I went out to breakfast at 9:30. That was the longest trip of hers that I've known about but she does live her own life when I'm not around. When I got back at noon she was in her house. I thought nothing of it - just thought she was depressed about Jack, her new housemate again. I grabbed the leashes for an afternoon walk around the block since that's about all Jack can handle before he starts doing flips in the air and attempting to chow down on the leash. And no Daisy. Hmmm... that's weird she usually attacks me when she hears the leash. So I go out on the the deck and clang it around a bit. Slowly I see her hobbling out of the dog house. As I look closer I see a deep cut on her leg. Oh yuck. Did she try to clear a fence that she seriously misjudged? Was she nicked by a car? Who knows? I get her back in the doghouse so she could get off her bad leg and look closer. The bone doesn't appear to be broken but the cut clearly needs to be stitched. Arrrggghhhh! She actually seemed to be feeling OK - no moaning or whining. She had some water and ate some food and continued to lick her wound clean through the night. This morning when I got up she was waiting for me outside the back door. I tried to make a bed for her inside with water and food. Of course that didn't last long. She does not like to be pampered. She headed out the pet door and retreated back to her house. And now I am home and of course she came running and jumping/hobbling up to greet me. Oh my poor loving dog. Well Cindy has given me some advice about taping her up so I will head off to Walgreens and hope for a speeding recovery. And then what... keep her trapped inside for the rest of her life. This is sad! Daisy needs a big pasture full of sheep where she can run and jump and herd to her heart's content. What do we have here? A crazy school teacher, a wacky cat that is still recovering from being abandoned by his mother, and a beagle only recently uncaged. YIKES! Current Mood: worried

Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
7:32 am
End of vacation blues
Boo Hoo! It's the last day of winter, aka Christmas vacation and I am fighting off my blues. It doesn't help that it is raining AGAIN. I need to focus on the positive and what has been accomplished.
I got to go to New York
Fresh thoughts and epiphanies about the past
Hobees breakfast with B, Maria and Brian
Christmas Eve was very sweet and will be remembered for years to come.
My sister called me
Listening to the tape of my grandfather's memories and talking to him on Christmas. That is a gift that was given more to me than to him. I need to do that more often.
I got to spend time with Christine - and Carey behaved herself
Daisy and I had a good Christmas day walk on the Los Gatos Creek Trail
I have a new dog who is extremely entertaining AND cute
Bill fixing me dinner here - what a fabulous gift
Beginning to create a spiritual space in my home and heart
Attempting to communicate with my dad about real stuff
Coffee with Diane and Kathy and the prospect of starting a book group. I will have to say no to the Curves ideas - that man is putting his money in the wrong pot from my perspective and he won't do it with mine!
I made Jack's bowl at Petroglyph - and I think he may have actually learned how to eat out of a bowl!
C and I had art time together
Partying with my kids on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day I am truly blessed by their presence in my life.
I finished my peace collage and it is bringing me peace despite the messed up world we live in
The dogs seem to be in a better place - although Daisy is currently out roaming the neighborhood perhaps in search of better digs
I think I am actually getting well. Too bad I don't have just a couple more days before I am inundated with kid germs again.
Gaining some perspective on D's writing workshop observations - 1 down and 2 to go I am what I am and that is enough
Looking forward to another Hobee's breakfast with Paula this morning
This live journal - getting me back in the habit of writing every day and it has opened up a new world to D, C, M and I
There! That feels much better. Current Mood: depressed

Saturday, January 1st, 2005
9:10 am
2004 - a look back
Happy New Year! Is it time for a mimosa? Perhaps a little reflection is in order before the ingesting of any alcohol. 2004 brought many new and wonderful things into my life. I am a very different person today because of the events and ideas that have changed my thinking. I am grateful for them all - the good and the bad. Top of the list has to be my family. I am so thankful to be a part of a growing family. The Ferraros and Carter/Bundts have been so warm and welcoming. I never dreamed that being an in-law could feel so warm and wonderful. D and C's handfasting was a milestone in so many ways. It brought D and me back together - an answer to my prayers. But it was so much more than that. The pagan view of the world has reopened my eyes to the importance that nature plays in my spiritual life. Witnessing D and C's love was an honor. Watching your children find and nurture their great loves must be the most wonderful part of being a parent. And this year will bring another wedding. At long last M and B will proclaim to the world the love that they have rooted with each other. M and B are constantly blessing me with their presence and wisdom. I continue to grow and learn new ways of viewing the world in large part due to the discussions that we have. Mom, Dad, M, V, P, A J, Grandpa - how lucky I am to have them in my life. They have been a part of my life's continuum from the beginning. They give me the past I need in order to view the present with a sense of balance. I'm not sure what to say about P. I feel like we keep attempting to build a relationship that cannot stand. Why? She comes in and out of my life like a wind that scatters everything in its path. When it passes you sit and wonder where it came from and if it will return. And R... we had some good times this year but what was the cost? He still has the power to break my heart. Living mindfully in the moment is imperative when we are together. The past has too much pain and it clearly seems to repeat itself.My friends have gotten me through some very trying times this year. C and I keep our relationship alive and growing despite the obstacle of distance. But I give her the credit; she is an expert at being a friend. She is the soft place for me to land. She loves me unconditionally and I can tell her anything without fear of judgment. Cis love just grows and grows. She is the reminder that my presence in the world matters - her loving arms await me no matter what or when. How blessed I am to have two such devoted and loyal friends. This has been a year of adventures in travel - Florida in April for the first time in 9 years. It was good for me to go back. My parents are aging and I needed to see that in their world to really understand it. Iowa in July - I love seeing my grandfather and aunt and uncle there. It brings me face to face with a past that at times I try to forget. I am oh so lucky to have all 3 of them in my life. They are overflowing with wisdom and common sense. And again in July, my birthday trip to Santa Fe and on to Texas with M and B and the dogs. That is a trip that will not soon be forgotten. Mexican food, margaritas, laughter and love. What could be better? And finally the trip to New York with R, M and B. There were some good times... drinking, smoking, the plays, riding the subways, NY food, and Central Park. And it's always good to be reminded that big decisions in your life were the right ones! I am thankful to have a job. That's about all I can say about Mayne. I don't think I will ever understand the frigid air in that place. The kids are some of the most open and loving kids you could ever meet but the employees definitely keep their distance. D is slowly realizing that I can be a pretty amazing teacher. I am eternally hopeful that I can return to Sutter this year because there are moments where I really don't think it's possible for me to grow as a teacher if I am in Alviso for another year. My professional reading and talks with C is all that keeps my work alive. I have played around with the whole vegetarian thing this year - it is much easier than I would have thought it could be. But I don't have the philosophy to stick to it. And sometimes I just want a good piece of chicken in my cheese quesadilla!And finally there is the evil of mass media. I am making an attempt at using my television for education and entertainment rather than indoctrination. I suppose the election was the final straw, that we could all be turned into mindless sheep by simply repeating the same mantras over and over again. I am taking back my brain. And if that means I don't know what the weather will be in 2 days and how we should be preparing for tsunamis in Santa Clara, so be it.I cannot reflect on the past without some thoughts toward the future. These are not resolutions but more like recommendations. I need to get my diet a little more balanced. My cut in finances has also resulted in a cut in fruits and vegetables. Not a good plan. Oh yeah, finances are a problem. I need more money, uh I mean I need to use my money more wisely. The county of Santa Clara is hoping that I come up with another couple thousand dollars so I can pay my fair share of taxes on this cute little blue house on Fremont Street. That probably means a return to summer school. YUCK! I need to take another look at Civil Disobedience. Keep my father alive - I need to find ways to communicate with him so he thinks about the gifts he has been given and not the sacrifices he is being asked to make.Get back to Sutter! Surely by now I have learned enough about making hasty decisions and the consequences that can follow. Who knew all that would result from that one?Continue to nurture my relationships - that is what life is all about.Focus on my spiritual path - may the cosmos lead me forth...And now for that mimosa. Bring on 2005. I'm ready and waiting for all that is to be. Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, December 31st, 2004
8:45 am
Taking Down Christmas
Christmas is gone. What's left in its place is a sense of orderliness. I am always so excited to put it up. Thanksgiving brings the transition from fall to winter. The long weekend gives me the time and energy to decorate and prepare my heart for the excitement that lies ahead. The tree goes up; the house decorations are put in their places while memories of the giver of each object fills my head. The holiday dishes take the place of the ordinary and time changes. But after a month's time I am ready to return to the mundane and routine of the ordinary. The original sensation is that of emptiness but soon it is replaced by the almost audible sigh that empty space can bring. The extra room has once again become transformed. Now it is a place to meditate and create a spiritual space. The coming year is bound to answer some long standing questions about life - where did it come from? what is my place in it? have I been here before? I am getting closer to answers by simply opening my mind to a different set of choices? Christianity does not appear to be the answer for me - it feels too finite, too boxed in. The universe is too immense to be explained by dogma. Would God really want the world to continue to be run by old white men. I think not! Christmas felt very different this year. It was the first time where I questioned all the nativity decorations that seemed to pop out of the boxes. Not that I bought them - that's what comes from working in Catholic schools for 10 years. Learning about the different Christmas events from PBS, the history channel and discovery was fascinating and part of my growth step by step away from the church. Yes, Jesus was born, and yes the three kings/magi/astrologers did follow a star but it isn't the story that the church has told through the ages. Jesus was born in April inside a house, the magi were following Jupiter (or was it Saturn)in the constellation of aries. Hmm... not quite the miracle that the church is promulgating. So what is next? Buddhism? Paganism? In the words of the Beatles, let it be. The next step of the journey will come with a heart that is open to what lies ahead. Current Mood: pensive

Thursday, December 30th, 2004
8:15 am
School Vacation
Ahhh... vacation. There is nothing like it. I wake up and think "Oh yeah... I don't have to get up; I close my eyes and sleep again. Somehow that extra hour is much sweeter than the previous 8. I have finally reached the point that I can appreciate the beauty of an hour spent sleeping instead of doing stuff. I open my eyes and think instead of move. I take the time for an extra cup of coffee and hang out with the dogs. I have the time to answer phone calls, e-mails, make appointments and see my friends. I even have time; uh I mean the energy to run errands at night. What is it about working that makes me feel the day is over when I get home?These little breaks in the year make teaching a fabulous career. Life is good. Last night was Jack's first night out of the crate - not that I think he's actually house trained; I just didn't want to listen to the incessant scratching and his feeble attempts at barking. And yes indeed I have a dog that wants to sleep with me. What a wonderful thing to wake up and feel someone beside you. You are not in this alone. Yes, I know that he's only a dog but it still warms my heart. My head and heart are full of musings about life once again. I watched Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring - about a buddhist monk who learns some painful lessons about sorrow. Bill recommended it several months ago. The scenery was beautiful - a floating temple; what could be better than that? But the message was so powerful. What are the stones I have tied to others that I still carry in my heart - judgment, pride, things left unsaid... Is it possible to truly repay our offenses in life? Hmmm... Buddhism puts me in the moment here and now - all I have is this moment. What will I do with it? Will it be for good or harm? Current Mood: peaceful

Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
11:23 am
Journaling
Here is my first attempt at journaling without my hand touching the paper. We'll see if what's in my head and heart can hit the page with keys in place of graphite. It is the 29th day of December, my father's 74th birthday. I am now the happy "owner" of 2 dogs and a cat. Jack's presence in the house is truly making itself known today. I think he got a little more sleep last night after the hour/s of scraping the sides of his crate. He just completed a rampage of the house - running to and fro, sliding through the livingroom. Oh my, where did that come from? Daisy is transfixed and wondering what has become of her quiet peaceful existence. I am pleasantly surprised with their co-habitation thus far. Maybe barkless dogs aren't such a bad idea! It is amazing how much more complete an affectionate dog has made me feel. Daisy is the watch dog but Jack is my friend and I guess that makes Max the entertainment. What a place this house has become. Although I still miss the companionship of a partner (after all these years) Jack has been a step in the right direction. Seeing my kids so happy with their great loves does make me think about how I want the rest of my life to go. But I also know I don't yet have the courage to put myself out there to meet another someone. Maybe someday soon... Current Mood: mellow