Life List: Walk the Golden Gate Bridge

On the way...the beauty of fog on the hills along 280

In honor of my approaching birthday I treated myself to one of the items on my life list.  And it was so worth it.  Those who don't live here will not see the beauty in the fog on the bridge but the locals know there is a sense of mystery to it.  And when it does lift, you are given an amazing gift.  Gifts are valued for their rarity so it is OK to be in the fog in the everyday.

Ready to walk

Heading through the first tower

Happy me!

Coming through the north tower

Love the daddy/daughter icon

Heading back

View of the Marin headlands

Starting to clear...

Pain in the Silence

Silence is golden.  Most of the time I would agree with that old adage.  Silence brings a peacefulness that allows your mind to wander and think great thoughts.  But when silence takes over where there once was noise, there is an awkwardness in the air, one that only time will heal.  I went through this feeling several months ago when Jack became ill.  Coming home to an empty house took me weeks to get over.  Now it seems I am also to become the owner of an empty yard as well.  In the past 2 weeks I have lost all 3 of my hens.  The quiet seems to be everywhere.  I entered into raising chickens with the knowledge that all kinds of things could take them out - raccoons, opossums, disease.  They gave me 2+ years of fun - watching them grow from chicks to pullets to hens, laying eggs first in the laying boxes but then what turned into our daily egg hunts, feeding and watering them became one of our daily pleasures with the day care kids.  I will miss the girls but mostly their clucking and waddling out to greet us as we came through the gate.  Today the emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I was raking up the wayward feathers there was a deadly silence interrupted only by the scratches of the squirrels scurrying up the redwoods.  So that's what is left of "Grandma's farm."  But, fear not, the chickens will be replaced next week.  3 more baby chicks have been ordered and should arrive on Tuesday.  However, I'm not sure this group will be named.  For one thing, it's too hard to tell them apart and for another the next time I have to say good-bye to an animal I'd rather not call it by name. 

Pondering the Other Alternative

A common response to complaints about life is often short and to the point; it beats the alternative.  The alternative is, in a nut shell, not being here.  Death is not something I think a lot about.  I've had my share of losing loved ones but not like most people have.  I am blessed to still have my grandfather and parents, as well as  most of my aunts and uncles still walking the earth.  This past week I pondered losing one of the most important people in my life.  My sister has been fighting C. diff for the past 3 years.  One of the things we both have  in common is that we tend to believe that everything will turn out in the end.  She is one of the most positive people I have ever met.  However, this last bout had beaten her down pretty low.  I don't think I've ever heard her as resigned to fate or destiny or whatever as she was last weekend.  Despite the knowledge that everyone she knew was praying for her and that her son and daughter-in-law were willing to make incredible sacrifices, she just couldn't believe she would ever be rid of the nasty bacteria.

Tuesday she was scheduled to undergo a medical procedure that we all knew was a last ditch effort.  She had been through every drug thought to have been effective against C. diff, both tested and experimental.  Some of them she had done 2 or 3 times with no effect.  She had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, thanks to the American medical system which is run by insurance companies who make all the rules.  If you don't fall into their rules, you pay!  So not only was she sick but knowing full well that she was digging a financial hole deeper and deeper every time the C. diff struck again.

I knew this was a horrible little germ that could eventually take its final toll on her.  When you can't eat, the body simply cannot continue to function in the way it needs to.  I assumed that eventually organs would shut down.  But the more I read about the disease, the more of that yuck feeling set in.  I would read and deny, read and deny.  How could my sister not be here when my 104 year old grandfather was?  How could this amazing woman simply cease to be that shoulder for me to lean on?  No!  That was not going to happen.  We still had plans, lot of plans.  She is a significant part of my Life List.  I could not imagine life without her.  But Monday and Tuesday, that is exactly what I did.  I remembered all the crazy things we did in times gone by.  We have lived very parallel lives - marriage, kids, divorce, and rising out of the ashes to become home owners and independent women who have found joy in our freedom.  I thought about the future that lies ahead.  I needed her beside me on my journey.  Yes, I do know how selfish that sounds.  And that is the pain in "the alternative."  We are left alone with our plans for tomorrow.  Alone. 

And now for the happy ending...  The procedure was a success.  She is back to eating again and finding the joy of simple pleasures in life.  She is slowly but surely sounding more and more positive and regaining her belief that everything will fine.  I am back to planning and looking forward instead of backward.  So here is to my sister, to dreams fulfilled, to travels together, to my third shoulder.  I love you

Welcome Lucia Anna

Tomorrow morning we will officially welcome Lucia Anna into her loving family.  She has already blessed us in so many ways.  So, to the happiest baby I've ever met, may you be blessed in little and big ways.  

 

Lucia Anna, we welcome you into this community of love with open arms.

You have been born from and into love.  May you always be embraced by it and know the strength that it will bring you. 

May you walk in wisdom and grace in all things.

Learn to listen to your heart.  It will lead you to true happiness.

You are the one and only you. You have been born for a purpose that no one else can fulfill. Believe in yourself and become who you were meant to be.
 

Live mindfully and fearlessly.  Laugh.  Follow your dreams.  And dance.

Going Back In Time

My last bike ride was a conscious effort to go back in time. Several years ago my teaching journey took me to George Mayne Elementary School in Alviso. The town of Alviso had always had a soft spot in my heart. It is just one of those pockets in the bay area that has somehow retained its original identity. Horrible things have happened to that town because of some very poor planning by the water district. The years I was teaching there, they were just starting to pick themselves up and start over. I had heard that changes had been made so I was anxious to see the little town. In once upon a time time, you would drive down Lafayette Street out of Santa Clara past the golf course and once the street sign changed to Gold Street you knew you were someplace else. You were surrounded by wooden structures, wider streets, the bay on your left and what was left of the town on your right. There is a long history to Alviso. It was once a bustling entrance to the San Francisco Bay. All that was left to time and weather so in my time here it was never a pretty town but you always had the feeling that there was an incredible spirit that had been left behind by its residents. Imagine my surprise when as I crossed that imaginary line into town I saw some kind of residence inn on my left and an educational center on my right. The water looked good and they have made it possible to launch your boat once again but it all looked wrong. So very wrong. They are building high density housing where those pink and yellow houses used to be. So sad to lose the identity that this town used to have. Even the parks looked wrong. As I left town it hit me, it just looks like more San Jose. Why is it that today's architects and city planners make everything look the same? The signs are an ugly brown and concrete walls are everywhere. Are they keeping people in or out? What on earth are we afraid of? But on the bright side, when I arrived in town, I got out of my car and was greeted with the smell of skunk. I can't tell you how many mornings I started teaching with that odor in my nostrils. And as I came out of the Guadalupe Trail, I heard roosters crowing. HAH! They haven't booted out the roosters yet. I know their time will come but I only pray that some young Alvisan will rise up and say NO, this is not who we are. And the building will stop. No more condos. No more walls. The skunks and roosters can remind us of so much that once was.