Decade #9

Today is my dad's 80th birthday. He has now been on this earth for 8 full decades. That is inconceivable to me. Even though I am fully aware that my grandfather has nearly completed his 103rd year, an 80 year old father has no place in my brain. I clearly remember driving up to my grandfathers house many years old as he was coming down the ladder from his roof. After I explained to my son that he was in the process of reroofing his house, Dave asked how old he was and I responded "80" as if the words I had just spoken were actually 45 or 50. It was not unusual for my grandfather to do things like that. So my father is now the age my grandfather was so many summers ago. And no, it would not be a surprise to drive up my father's driveway and find him reroofing his house either. It is what those Allen men do. They live a long time and they do by themselves whatever needs to be done. I am definitely an Allen in every sense of the word - single-minded (stubborn) and independent (I'll do it myself!). However, I am often frightened of the Allen longevity trait. I am not employed in a job that has allowed for much saving for the future. And my single-minded, independent streak was not an asset in my divorce. I just wanted out and believed that I would somehow make ends meet because I was an Allen and that's what we do. Good for my self esteem but not for any long term financial goals. So here I am, thinking that I am nearing the end of my career but today am reminded that I have a 102 year old grandfather and now an 80 year old father. It is almost a given that I will live another 25 years. These breaks from school used to make me think about what else I could be doing but now I just think about retirement. Maybe I need a transition plan. Instead of when shall I retire, the new question of the day becomes what shall I do when I leave teaching? In the meantime, I will simply celebrate the Allen men and give thanks that I still have them both in my life, leading me through the obstacles and celebrating all the joys of this earthly life. I am a lucky girl.

A Grandma's Love

Why is it that the older I get, the more I miss Grandma? I am slowly but surely realizing how important she was to who I have become. This week I have watched my son-in-law go through the loss of his grandmother and I am reliving all the pain of saying good-bye to my own. There is just some kind of special relationship that we had that can never be severed, not even by death. When I look at the sadness in Bill's eyes it is eerily familiar. I am looking in the mirror 10 years ago. When I think about it or send e-mails or sympathy cards to Bill's family, it all comes back to me. The sadness, the feeling of untethered floating in air, the loss, always the loss. Then I look at Callie and know that Grandma is still teaching me. She is reminding me about what's important in life. It's the reason that everything stops when I'm with that beautiful baby. I pray that when I leave this earth, the lessons I leave behind will be in Callie's heart the way that Grandma's are in mine. Grandma is still teaching from that little corner of my heart that she has taken up residence in. It's relationships. It's time, spending time with those we care about and it's love, always the love. The love of my grandmother was like coming home. It was food and warmth and hugs. All my deepest childhood memories have her in them. Even my first trip home from college was a direct route from the airport to Grandma and Grandpa's house. And I can still feel the hugs, the warmth and yes, the food that was waiting for me there. That's what it is. The expectation, the waiting for us to get there. Grandparents wait for the children to arrive. There is preparation involved and in that preparation is the embodiment of love turned into solid matter that you can reach out and touch and hold in your hand. When they are gone we search for someone who waits for us and prepares for our arrival the way they did. But Grandma is telling me that it is my turn to now pay it forward. It is my time to prepare for children to arrive. To cook and hug and bandage boo boos followed with a kiss and every now and then to shake my finger and begin a sentence with "You kids better get down from there!"

Grandma, thanks for hanging in there with me until I finally got it. I love you and miss you, still miss you so very much. I'm so thankful for the memories of you and the lessons you taught me.

Egg!

The chickens came to live here 6 months ago - almost to the day. I have loved watching them grow from cute little baby chicks into those awkward things that look like they are constantly falling over each other into beautiful hens. And this morning I discovered my first egg. My first reaction was exactly what I expected it would be. Oh my god, one of the hens laid an egg. I carried it gently inside and then a myriad of thoughts ran through my mind. Ummm... this came out of the hen's butt. Am I really going to eat it? But the fact is that I couldn't wait to crack it open and see the difference between what I grew and what I buy. There is a real shell. Hooray! And yes it did look a little more yellow than what I'm used to. But no orange or redness. Another hooray. Now what to do? Put it in the pumpkin bread or a scrambled egg? I decided that because it was the first I wanted to know everything about it unadulterated by milk or hidden away inside a loaf of bread. I mixed it up and was stunned at the yellowness that abounded. The thing was almost all yolk. I carefully cooked it like the tiniest of omelettes and I have to say it was delicious. It definitely had a flavor to it. I wanted to call it gamey but not really so I guess I'll call it farmy. I'm just so happy and proud of what I have accomplished even though I really had little to do with it. When I returned to feed the girls another thought occurred to me. How strange it is that a mother would lay an egg and just walk away from it. I literally found it in the dirt outside the coop which means it must have been laid yesterday when they were roaming about. The laws of nature astound me. How many eggs does a young hen lay before she thinks about sitting on the thing to hatch it? It's all so interesting and so much fun getting closer to the earth.

Time. All We Have is Time

I am on break again and could easily go through the list in my head of all the things I love about this job of mine that gives me time, big chunks of time to breathe and rest and refresh. I could delineate everything I like about the hiatus from the stress and daily challenges of school. But everything on that list would come down to the same thing. Time. I lose all track of it in the work world. Time is simply the goal for getting things done. Ringing bells for changing periods, paperwork that has to be filed by some arbitrary date, meetings that start and end on time, grades that end the quarter, the semester, the year. But when I am on break, time is simply a form of measurement. Today is whatever day. Whatever gets done or doesn't get done has no connection to time. There is always another minute, hour, day to do it. And if it isn't important, it doesn't get done. Life goes on without interruption. In the working of the day, I just look up and say, "Oh it's 3:00 or 7:00" or whatever and continue to function based on where I am in time not what I thought was going to be done by this time. I love the freedom of it and it is the number one reason I think I will someday be a very successful retiree.

At this time of year, time takes on even more meaning. We have images and dreams in our heads of Christmas, of what it has been in the past and what we want it to be this time around. The beauty of it is all we need to do is stop and appreciate the moment we are in. It is all there; love of family and friends, honoring of family traditions, the making of new memories. It doesn't involve gift giving or big elaborate dinners or any of what we waste our energy on. It is simply taking the time to spend with one another. The time we have on this earth is finite. No one knows what that number is so at Christmas and all year though, I continue to try and remember that everything is about time. Not due dates or calendars but this moment, only this moment. It's all we have.

Throwing Down the Gauntlet

The past few weeks have seen an upswing in stress at school. Teachers, administrators and kids alike. One of the uglier ways it comes out in kids is harassment - a big word that means one kid makes another kid feel bad. It is one of the harder things to get 6th graders to understand about middle school. There is no more calling Mommy to tell you to behave. You are now responsible and you are responsible for what you do, say and even for the looks you give. If it makes someone else feel uncomfortable you are harassing them whether you meant it or not. It is a rude awakening into the real world for some. Lately we have had some more serious bullying going on - name calling to the extent of racial slurs. This is the line in the sand for all of us. Our students have difficulty understanding the emotional response from their teachers because they hear these words all the time and they mean nothing to them. They are on TV, in the movies, in their music, even in video games. So not only are we challenged to teach the hazardous effects of bullying but it also becomes a lesson in vocabulary and the history of these words. Today's reality is that kids are committing suicide over harassment. It's a new world out there with e-mail, texting, facebook all under the auspices of cyberbullying. There is no margin for error when we are talking about kids' lives.

Recently, a harassed student at our school told an administrator that he didn't think the racial slurs could be stopped. That was a challenge we are all ready and willing to take on. The vice principal and counselor made the rounds to the classrooms last week and now everyone is talking about it. I heard a student on the quad say, "Stop being a bully and give me back my soccer ball." There is an incredible sense of empowerment in that simple statement. We have named it for them and now they can deal with it head on.

Yesterday my kids wrote about it. Here are a few of my favorites:

Bullies have become a really big threat to students. Everyone has been bullied at least once. Bullies hurt people physically and emotionally and that affects a student’s academics. Teasing hurts kids. It makes them think of what’s going to happen instead of what is happening. What about school? They don’t think about school. Bullying might make you feel very powerful. You are really not getting any power by hurting someone. All you’re doing is causing fear in your environment. Do you feel powerful now?

Bullying changes others. Bullies hurt other people’s feelings. When people become depressed from bullying, their emotions change and they don’t act normally. Bullying discourages people and other people will think of themselves as people who are the outsiders. Often people don’t do well in school when they are bullied. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Bullies think bullying is right but they just want power. They think that if they bully, they will get the power they want. People who try to get power from bullying don’t think about the other people who aren’t bullies. Power comes from positive things you do well. Making other people powerless doesn’t make the bullies more powerful.

Bullies, bullies, bullies. One thing I don’t get about life is bullies. All they do is make people feel bad about life and themselves. I say this because they put people down who they don’t even know. Some people who have been bullied have killed themselves. Why would someone want to be responsible for someone’s life? Maybe one reason they do it is to get power or feel better about themselves. I believe that power cannot come from others. It can only come from yourself and your achievements. Bullying is the worst thing that can happen to anyone in life and it could kill someone in the end.

Bullying is wrong because it hurts people’s feelings by insulting them. Insults hurt people a lot. When bullies insult people, it scares them and people think they are powerless. The only reason why the bullies bully people is because they want themselves to look cool. But it doesn’t make you look cool; it makes you look like a jerk. Bullies hurt innocent people’s feelings and that’s very rude. These people did not do anything to the bullies and they are forced to live in fear.

Many times people get bullied at schools for no apparent reason. Well, bullying is wrong. The bullied get abused emotionally and physically. Even if there is a reason behind it, it is just wrong. The bullies don’t think of how the bullied feel. They only think of power and everything in the present. They don’t think about the consequences. They should think ahead 20 minutes and better yet, 20 years and how their life could change horribly for bullying.

Bullying can cause a negative effect on people mentally and physically. People can feel powerless, weak, or worthless. Bullies can affect someone’s emotions very strongly which will give them nightmares that they’ll never forget. Bullying allows everyone to stay in fear and never express themselves because they hate the thought of being bullied or laughed at. Kids might not want to go to school because of the thought of being bullied. Bullying can affect someone’s focus in school because of the hated thoughts constantly lingering in their head. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Most bullies think bullying is right but all they really search for is power. They think that if they bully they’ll be powerful. Bullies never give a second thought about the victims being bullied. The truth is that power must come from success that you earn throughout life. You can’t gain power so easily. You earn power with the good traits that will guide you in the future.

Bullying is wrong because it puts people down. First of all, bullying creates negative effects both mentally and physically. Many kids think they don’t look good enough or that their clothes are out of style and ugly. Bullying makes kids feel insecure. Harsh comments and name calling that bullies say to kids make them feel unworthy and not good enough. Most bullies are just searching for power. They try to gain power by taking power away from others, making them powerless. But the truth is that power doesn’t come from making others powerless. You must gain power doing good things like getting good grades and being talented. Everyone has something they’re good at to gain power, not by bullying.

Bullying. Put-downs. Insults. It will never stop, will it? Bullies do all these things for cheap laughs and thrills. It’s like everybody forgot the golden rule, “Do unto others as you want them to do to you.” So overall, if all the bullying that the bully did to someone returned to them, a load of depression mixed with anger and sadness would hit them. Scientists have figured out why bullies bully. They do it for power because they feel powerless themselves. But power can’t come from bullying; it will just bring you down in your social life. True power comes from what you like doing, like soccer or art, even just talking to your friends. I’m not telling you to change yourself, just think about how you would feel if you got bullied.

Bullying is wrong because it changes the way people feel about themselves. As bullies are constantly reminding the victim about their mistakes, and other people agree, they feel that they are incorrect the whole time and that whatever the bully says is correct. They can be taken advantage of more often because of these negative feelings. Bullies think differently. They think that bullies have nothing to do with other people’s feelings and that each person is in charge of controlling their own feelings. Sadly, they are mistaken. Bullying can change one’s emotions. One minute they feel totally confident with themselves, the next depressed and shy. This can make them grouchy with their peers and/or lose focus in class discussions and assignments. If bullying were to stop, I think it would make a huge difference in everyone’s lives.

Look Behind You

While out on yard duty this morning, I saw a fascinating thing. We all know that middle school students pride themselves on hiding from the world. They are uncomfortable with almost everything about their self image. Today I saw a boy get out of his mom's car standing up straight and tall. but as she drove away he put his hood over his head, slumped over and nearly crawled toward the gate to school. I thought "Mom! Quick! Look in your rear view mirror and look at who your child is for 6 hours a day. " We don't really know who are kids are we are not around. But this was so dramatic. I practically screamed my Good Morning at him but of course he did not look up. Yes. This is what I do. Scream nicities at kids who are hiding from themselves and the rest of their world. I know that particles of my good mornings and how are yous somehow find their way to their target because a few days later I am often gifted with the little half smiles that are just enough to encourage me to keep at it and do it again day after day.

Becoming Home

I am becoming the home that I used to miss. It occurred to me today on my way home from my Callie Time that Thanksgiving had passed without tears and the preparations for Christmas do not have that gray spot in them. There isn't the sadness that comes from me missing home this time of year. Home was never a house, it was people. It was Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad and all the trimmings - aunts, uncles cousins, neighbors stopping by. All that Iowa stuff that I never figured out how to recreate in California. And I never got over it. Even in the hustle and bustle of raising babies and getting educated and finding jobs I never got over missing the memory of home. It was one of the few things I could never figure out - why didn't it get easier as the years went by. I've been in California 34 years and the hole was always there. I don't ever remember a Thanksgiving passing without feeling teary and lamenting the smell of Grandma's kitchen, the steamy windows and the love, all that love that surrounded me. This year I was just surrounded by the spirit of Grandma without the sadness. And today I got it. I am now the grandma creating those smells and tastes for this new generation. I have moved down a branch on the family tree. It's funny how I keep getting these new awakenings and every one of them takes me by surprise and leaves me with a smile. Life just keeps getting better and better.

Callie's Overnight

Callie and I have had our first overnight experience and it was everything and more that I expected. My sister often says that being a grandma is heaven and I guess that explains it as well as any other word I could come up with. I know it's nothing like anything else I've ever experienced. If love was matter that you could reach out and touch, it would look and smell and taste just like Callie.

Friday night was wonderful. We sang and played and walked and talked. I knew the sleeping part would be a challenge and it was but we both survived it. Once I remembered that Grandma's house was ordained as a place to be spoiled, I could let go of the rules of sleep. Then when morning came, the most amazing thing happened. She rolled over, looked up at me and smiled and laughed. Not only my heart, but my entire being melted in that baby giggle. We got up and started the day together - getting dressed, eating breakfast, feeding the dog and hanging out with the hens. Yes, my sister is right. Being a grandmother is heaven.

In the words of Julie Andrews, "These are a few of my favorite things."
The way she nuzzles into that space between by chin and chest, moves her head back and forth and settles into me
The way she holds my thumb that's holding the bottle as she eats her breakfast
The way she looks into my eyes and lets me know that she is trusting me with everything
That smile that is followed by that laugh. I swear if we could patent that, there would never be another war.
The way she caresses the skin on my neck between her thumb and fingers
The babbling that is so earnest and sweet
Yes, these are my favorite things. From this day forth, when I'm feeling sad, I will simply remember Callie and our first night together.