Business Check-in Revisited

I am a home daycare provider. That is clearly what I have been called to do. I really thought it was something I was going to play around with for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do next. But this IS what I want to do. I have been researching the next step which in my mind was preschool but I'm just not willing to go through the school thing and the student teaching thing and the licensing thing. I'm just too old for all the hoops now. And the reality is that every day I am more and more convinced of the fun that this job brings.

Things I like about my job revisited:
Being home
Spreading the word of good health
"Teaching" on the fly
Watching children learn from one another
Playing with kids
Reading with kids
Baking with kids
Being a witness and guide on the side to language development
Just hanging out and being present in the moment
Finding beauty in the simple things of life
Introducing kids to painting, coloring and sculpting
Smiling, laughing, really laughing every single day

The greatest challenge to me being happy about my job is that other people are disturbed by my happiness. They see me as a teacher, a real teacher, one that goes to work and gets a paycheck. They are constantly laughing and shaking their heads when I talk about my day, my week. No one else seems to be able to put themselves in my shoes or even to accept the thought that I am happy with what I am doing. It is time to stop listening and to start standing up for what I do. I can't change people's minds about daycare providers or what I "should" be doing. But I can stop being part of the conversation.

Happy to Be Where I Am

Change happens constantly and unperceptively. I and everyone around me are constantly changing. I am changed by almost every contact I have in life. I learn more about myself with every day that goes by. I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. Just today alone I had breakfast with Ralph, a walk with 2 friends, ran errands that included purchasing toys for my daycare. I am not who I was when I got up this morning because of those conversations, decisions made and the voice in my head that is constantly questioning, observing and evaluating. I know this. But I am still surprised when I see it in someone else. Over the past few months something or someone has changed Ralph in new and wonderful ways. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't perceive it until it slapped me in the face. Looking back, I am so glad that he and I have stayed in relationship so that I was blessed to see and appreciate this seemingly new him. We have dinner/lunch/breakfast together once a week and the conversation is good. Yes, it is a conversation. We listen to one another and share our hopes and dreams for the future. We speak openly of our love of family, our children and grandchildren, and the work that we are about. When this all began I believed that he was responding to my vulnerability entering into a new business. But perhaps I was completely wrong about that and it was actually that he was revealing his own vulnerability to me and praying that I would protect it. The two of us have been through a lot together and separately. It hasn't been an easy journey but today we are lucky enough to call each other friends. Our relationship has been changed by so many things along the way. Marriage, separation, divorce, followed by years and years of finding our place in one another's lives. He was the one that believed in me more than anyone else when I left the classroom. He was the one that promised me no matter what happened, my mortgage and bills would be paid. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. It is good that through the years we have changed day by day and have come to be in this place in time; two people who understand and respect the other in ways that no one else can.

Business is Good

I haven't posted about work lately... I have been on a bit of a roller coaster with the direction I would like to go in the next year or two. When I look back on the past 5 months I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have to admit I didn't expect to be so successful so quickly. I expected the first few months to be bleak financially. But that has not been my experience. I am still being contacted by people who want my services.

I am currently at a crossroads that will either happen in the coming year or in the next few years. I am leaving it up to the universe or destiny or whatever you want to call it. What I know for certain is that caring for infants, toddlers and preschoolers is near impossible to do well. The different needs, feeding and nap schedules mean that I do little else besides change diapers, comfort and feed these little beings. I am a teacher at heart and really want to do more real teaching. I am amazed at the learning that goes on from ages 1 to 3. So I have already made the choice to not take infants any longer. An option to go into the preschool business is also on the table. I'm pretty sure that is where I'm heading, it's just a question of when and with whom. I sway back and forth between feeling pretty darn good about what I'm doing, to a burning desire to teach and back to wondering if I can't just tweak what I'm doing to make the preschool thing happen right here. I have no idea what will happen or what it will look like when it does. And that has always been the fun of my life. So for now I am happy where I am. It may all change dramatically in the next few months or it could just be a slow evolution where one day I wake up and I realize that I am no longer a day care provider but a preschool teacher instead. I love the fact that even though I am quickly approaching the end of my 6th decade, life continues to surprise me. So like I have always said to my friends, stay tuned...

Resolution to Withdraw

January 2nd - the end of the Christmas season, the second day of new resolutions, a day to breathe in and out and know that the future lies ahead. It was a pretty unusual holiday season this year. I can't say that I am sad to see it go. There was lots of family drama as everyone struggles to find their place in the mix, there was Callie's incident with Milo which I am still trying to let go of, and there is my constant thought about where I'm going in life.

I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to start a walking program 5 days a week so that was off the table for a resolution. So I looked inside. Since I started this job at home I have been constantly tied to Facebook and I knew that it was a problem. My Facebook friends are not my central core and my out of town family members really don't post very often so I felt like I was constantly inundated with posts about the mundane. I didn't feel like anything was going on in my life that I wanted to share with my kids as well as people I'm not really connected to so I made a decision to leave Facebook. A couple weeks ago I stopped posting and commenting and yesterday I made the break. Today was definitely odd not being able to check in whenever it crossed my mind but I know I'm healthier for it. I'm not reading about people's complaints about the weather or the soccer goal that some kid I've never met scored. This absence from Facebook has no deadline. I just knew that it was a problem for me. I have wasted so much time surfing Facebook when I could actually have been talking to people. Yesterday I talked to a dear friend as well as my aunt and uncle on the phone and it felt so good to be part of a conversation rather than a spectator to life. So we'll try this out for a while and see how it changes me.