This story begins about a year ago. As I was praying my way through the 19th Annotation of the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises, it became clear that I was being called back to work with the students of Sacred Heart Nativity Schools. My gifts as a reading and special education teacher could definitely be put to good use. As I was ending my career as vice principal this was the dream; retire and then come back and tutor as a volunteer. Five years later, that’s what was on the agenda - tutor one-on-one with kids who could use an extra push to get over the finish line. Fast forward a few months… I offered my services to tutor and one thing led to another. The tutoring offer led to some summer school homework club supervision and then to taking over a couple summer school art classes and finally to returning to the vice principalship on a part time basis in September. I didn’t see any of these things coming but the Spirit kept encouraging me to say yes. I was thrilled to be back at Nativity. My concerns of re-defining the job under a new principal gradually faded away. I was happy to again be supporting the person in charge. Day by day turned into weeks and a bit of malaise began to set in. When I sat down to reflect on it, I realized it was a challenge that had been self-created. I only knew how to be a full time principal. How do I fit the work that I wanted to do in half the time? Many solutions went through my mind. I need to change my schedule from 10-2 to 9 to 1. That will keep me from the temptation of staying until the school day is over. I’ll resign in July; I will have gotten them through the hard first year of a new principalship. I’m in the wrong job - I should have been hired as the reading intervention teacher not the vice principal.
So I changed my schedule and I somewhat decided it was a one-year gig. But as time went on, the kids at Nativity did what they are adept at doing; they wind their way into your heart and you can’t imagine walking away from them. Then came Thanksgiving break quickly followed by Christmas break and it all felt doable again. But the seed of being the reading intervention teacher kept coming back to haunt my thoughts of staying on as vice principal. So I took the discernment process to my spiritual guide and we settled on trying a little experiment called “Act As IF.” The assignment was to act as if you were coming back as Vice Principal for a week; reflect on it. Then act as if you are walking away from the vice principalship but are committing to being a reading tutor or reading intervention teacher. Side note: Within three days of our meeting, I came to the understanding that this actually was not my dilemma to work through. This decision belonged to the principal. He had already seen me in action for four months, this was his decision to make. This is the true definition of Ignatian Indifference. I bring everything I have to the work and leave it up to God where my gifts can best be put into action. I could continue on as vice principal, knowing that I am deeply respected and appreciated in that role or take on a more personal role with the students and give everything I have to developing successful readers. Either way was fine with me.
I returned from Christmas break ready to follow through on the role playing assignment, Act As If. I was interested to see what the Spirit had in store for me. The first week back, I confronted dilemma after dilemma as vice principal and took them all in stride. I was physically and mentally present to every event. By Thursday, as I reflected on the day, my most prevalent thought was, “I am really important to the work of this community.” I went home every night feeling good about the work that l was doing. I was making a difference and not once did I entertain the notion that I was in the wrong job.
Then phase 2 of Act As If was put into action. I came into the week with serious concerns about the current intervention program that had been put in place in September. I took the time to process about it and set up a meeting with one of the tutors. My focus for the week was completely on reading but I was able to carry on with my vice principal duties without a misstep. By Tuesday afternoon, the principal called to talk about the intervention program and by Thursday it had been put on hold and was placed ever so gently in my lap. This did not in the least feel like a burden. It felt more like a generous gift. This is my great love of teaching - opening the doors to literacy for students.
So what I thought was a choice to be made was a grave error. I didn’t need to choose between being vice principal and directing a reading program - I had just been given the opportunity to do both. Yes, and. I do not hold out any thoughts that this will be easy or that I can pull it off without a hitch but I am excited to get to work.
I carry on without concern for next year. I continue to lay the decision at the feet of the principal. I am happy to come back as part time principal knowing that we will be building on all that we have accomplished this year. And I would be just as pleased to build a reading assistance program that would support our struggling students. As always, I will follow the path that has been placed in front of me knowing that all I have is meant for God’s use.
Take Lord, receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all I have and call my own. You have give all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace, that is enough for me.
