The Search For Church

This has been on my mind for weeks and soon to be months.  I've shared the struggle with several people.  I've prayed about it.  But there appear to be no answers on the horizon.  Here is the dilemma.

I want more than anything to connect with my community - as in neighborhood or town - but my belief system or perhaps my experience with the Catholic church does not mesh with that of Vancouver's.

I go to mass to deepen my relationship with each person of the Holy Trinity.  I want to get closer to Jesus, God and let the Holy Spirit guide me.  I go to mass to learn from the priest.  It's all about the homily and the Eucharist for me.

As I made the rounds of the Catholic churches in Vancouver, I struggled to find evidence that we are a "risen people.  In my  mind I go back to the risen Christ that takes center stage at St. Martin's.  There is still a lot of bell ringing, kneeling and head covering here.  In some parishes the old responses are still in effect.  I struggled long and hard over those changes and do not want to go back and have to relearn the old ones.

So I finally admitted defeat with Vancouver and their desire to save souls and stop abortions and made my way south to Portland.  What I have found is something different in every parish.  While I'm there, I'm trying with all my heart and soul to make it work for me because I know it's so much better than what I have found at home.  As I enter each church I step outside of my head and sometimes almost laugh out loud at the conversation that is going on.  I start off pretty negative or extremely positive depending on the location, and by the time the hour is up, I've gone from No to Yes to Maybe or from Yes to No to Maybe.  The end result remains the same.  I am still without a church home.

Here are my reflections
St. Edwards - Connected to Nativity School.  I like that.  Traditional setting, still doing the old responses.  I like seeing middle school art in the church.  Very friendly group, so friendly that no one noticed I was visiting.  I don't want to be fussed over but if your parish is doing the work of Christ, you would know that a visitor was in your midst.
St. Francis - Doing the mission work of downtown Portland but I felt a little unsafe.  Once again, the photos in the church reflect the mission they are about.  The responses are updated but they have added their own touch of St. Francis to the mix.  It is also a church in transition.  There is no real leader of the parish and there is a lot on their plate.  It may be one that I want to wait and see...
St. Ignatius - I like the Jesuit feel.  This was definitely in a better part of town than the rest.  Is that what I want - comfort?  But the missing pieces were there.  It was the first time that I could relax into the liturgy because I knew what was coming.  I guess if there was a negative, it was that the community seemed a little disconnected from each other.  It had the colder (proper) feel of a Silicon Valley parish.
St. Charles - a recommendation from my sister's boss.  I actually didn't even know there was a St. Charles.  Evidently he dedicated his life to Christ at the age of 12 and his mother was in the Medici family.  How did I miss this guy?  Anyway.  St. Charles was an OK fit - except that the priest didn't do the gospel or the homily.  It was done by the parish administrator.  Good homily but unsettling.   I've come away with a question of what role does the priest play in the Northwest?

So as I reflect on all of this, it seems that these 4 parishes combined are taking the place of my previous work and worship.  St. Francis and St. Edwards together take the place of my 10-11 hour a day work life at Nativity.  The school of St. Edwards and soup kitchen of St. Francis combined fulfill that sense of mission of feeding and educating the poor.  St. Ignatius is that comfortable place that I had at mass in Mission Santa Clara.  It definitely does not have the beauty of the mission but other pieces are there.  And maybe St. Charles is the community that I am searching for.  Part of me wants to make the rounds again just to see what the second viewing brings into focus.  But I am desperate to find "home."  I want to once again be fed by my faith.  I want to walk out of church feeling the joy that was everywhere in San Jose.  I want to leave a little bit wiser and more compassionate than when I walked in.

While some pieces of my transition to Washington have been so much easier than expected, this one still stymies me.  And this is a piece that really matters to that definition of HOME.  I know that it will come in time and that the time put into this will be worth it in the end.  The Spirit tells me to be patient and that it will come.

September 3, 2017
Just a quick addendum.  I returned to St. Ignatius this week and confirmed that this is home.  Jesuits and I have always been a match.  The homilies are good.  The music is comfortable.  It is all familiar and for now that is what I need in my spiritual life.

The Calendar

As summer transitions to back-to-school and then to fall, the events on my social calendar are slowing to a trickle.  I am now in a position of creating where and how I spend my time.  When I retired I said that I wanted to read and walk and they have both become a priority.  I joined a walking group on Saturday and a library book club on Monday.  Next on the list is a membership at the community center to get in some physical fitness goals.  My Google calendar has gone from a weekly view to a monthly format.  If there is any concrete symbol of going from administration to this more restful stage of life, it is that.  Two months ago, just looking at my calendar on a Monday morning would raise my heart rate.  And now I can see the ebbs and flows of life.  This is a much better perspective.

Defining Home

As I transition from my home in San Jose to create home in Vancouver, I'm constantly made aware of how we use the pronouns we, they and the plural you.  When I first arrived in Vancouver, I was constantly saying we, as in we in San Jose and the opposite, the plural you in Vancouver.  In the six weeks that I have been here in Vancouver, there has been a gradual shift in the use of those words.  More and more often I catch myself saying we in place of you for the community of Vancouver and the opposite for San Jose.

This week I made my first trip back to San Jose to celebrate Lucia's first day of kindergarten.  And once again I became very aware of those pronouns. When I encountered sales people and drivers and airline attendants the question of home kept coming up.  Is this home?  Are you going home?  Home is this little house that I love and come back to everyday in Vancouver, Washington.  When I flew into my "home" airport of Portland for the first time last night, it was very clear to me that this beauty is now home to me.

Looking Back

I really thought that in the process of deciding to retire that I had spent adequate time looking back at my career - where I had started, the stops along the way, where I ended, all the "what ifs."  Today's task proved me wrong.  My to do list had one thing one it - apply for a job.  My plan is to do some subbing to keep my finances afloat and perhaps give me some travel money.  The experience I have had with subbing in California led me to believe that I would prance into the HR office, wave my sub credential under their noses, they would write down my phone number and email address and I'd be on my way.  Well that was not to be.  I am still waiting for that elusive Washington Teaching Certificate to magically appear so I decided to stop by a job fair.  Once again, I thought that I would walk in and they would be overjoyed to see me; I would give them my number; problem solved.  Once again the answer was NO.  I am applying at two districts so I walked out of that job fair with two business cards bearing the website address of the district HR.  "Just apply on line," they said.  OK.  What I didn't know is that these application would be the most extensive I've ever had to complete.  The Baby Boom generation was all about face to face interviews - not my favorite either - but I didn't really have to go back through the annals of contracts, salary scales or names and numbers of supervisors to complete a job application.  Today's end result was a walk back through time, all the way back to 1989 when I got my credential followed by the salary scale of my first year of $19,000.  But the clincher was to recall the lead teacher and placements for my student teaching!  It has been a while since I had to think about the connections between my university classes, student teaching, the jobs, the salaries and those who led me to where I am now.  I am grateful for all those amazing leaders, for the money I was able to make and save to get me here, and for the years of experience that are absolutely the greatest thing I have to offer as a substitute.  And the best part of  this is that as everyone else is preparing their classrooms for the upcoming year, I feel absolutely no twinge of wistfulness.  I am very happy to be where I am and to be able to find value in work without losing myself in the process.  It's been a good run and I am hopeful that the subbing gig will be just the right fit to keep me alert and productive.  And hopefully that Washington certificate will show up sometime soon!

The Impact of Population

Throughout the years as the population would ebb and flow in Santa Clara, it was clear to me that my quality of life was directly impacted by the number of people who resided in the area.  It had its greatest effect on the commute traffic of which I always refused to become a part.  But it was impossible to completely avoid.  On weekends, it would alter the entire experience of where you might go - the movies, art and wine festivals, or just going to dinner.  Depending on where you were going and how many other people would be attending, you would either shorten the visit or make plans in advance as to when you would leave and when you would return.  I knew this was an issue because at various times, I would shout out, "There are just too many  people here!"  It was always a part of your consciousness - If I go "there" when do I need to leave, how crowded will it be, what will be the line in the sand on when I will leave.  It's one of those things that I knew was impacting my life but I had no idea how much.  Now that I am living in a much lighter density area I find myself constantly being tripped up by it and always pleasantly surprised.  So  I am not only adjusting to the slower pace of life here but also retraining my brain to eliminate all that self talk of "it will be too crowded, maybe I won't go..."  It is a great reminder for me to just enjoy the moment.  So no matter what time it is or what day it is, give it a shot.  However, that being said, if there's an accident on the freeways in Portland, all bets are off.  Stay home or go north!