Saying yes. Saying yes to the silence and listening for the answer. It was in the patience to hear the response that the path became known to me. And day after day, I would repeat the question and the answer came again and again. It is time to go home. So I said yes, over and over again.
Spiritual Direction. It has taken several forms in 2022 and they have all been good. Kelly led me through the Spiritual Exercises and in our weekly Zoom meetings I came to see and experience the compassionate love of Christ in another human being for the first time in my life. I am growing into my meetings with Sr. Molly and am coming to understand how broad and encompassing this field can be. Spiritual direction continues to show up in casual conversations with Robert and Marc at school. I am often struck by surprise when I find myself in these deep interchanges; I look around and realize I'm in my office having these profound experiences of God in the flesh. Spiritual Direction has come to reveal itself as a challenge and sometimes a confrontation in my spiritual life: it makes clear what has been asked and which many times I have been afraid to confront. But when the question comes from another human, it cannot be ignored or distracted from. It demands an answer.
Mass/Eucharist/The Mission Church. It called to me from many miles away and beckoned me back to Eucharist. It continues to call to me weekly, knowing that through the body of Jesus, I am strengthened and rejuvenated for what lies ahead. It is now so much more than a call to come; it is an emotional event every single week as I take on the body of Christ and witness the faces of Jesus coming to take and receive.
Connection to family and friends. Lucia brought me home in her dreams and I have been gifted with so many happy memories because I could finally respond to the urging request of this beautiful child. And the gifts just keep coming: dinner/movie dates with the CG's, Thanksgiving memories with the Gianninis all in one room together again, coffee/dinner dates with Lorraine, coffee/Labyrinth walks with Nancy, and a renewal of friendships with Paul Zarka and the Nativity staff. As a result. my love for others continues to grow to a depth that could never have been predicted.
Praying the Examen. This daily reflection has become life changing. Every 24 hours I can see how God/goodness is moving in my life. I'm learning to see the trends and trust in allowing myself just to be, be in the presence of the moment and have faith that as I let go of my ego, something much better is waiting for me.
Morning prayer based on daily scripture reading reflections. I never dreamed that I would ever be starting my day with God. Nothing happens before prayer, before readings, before written reflections. And the words that flow from my pencil always take me by surprise; ALWAYS. The words can then lead me out of my prayer corner and into the world surrounded by love.
Stitch Fix. I've never enjoyed shopping so it has been the perfect solution for this retired woman returning to work. My wardrobe arrives in the mail, I revel in trying them on and hanging them in the closet with no effort whatsoever from me.
Weekly calls to Mom and texts to my siblings. Somehow we are all making it work. We are growing into how best to meet Mom's needs and provide the support she requires or is willing to accept. And in the meantime, our sibling relationships are growing as well. I have never been closer to Mike and am coming to better understand Patty. And Amy! She is the gift I didn't know that I needed. As we grow closer, I see more deeply who I am, was, and am becoming. She is the light that shines, lighting the way and reflecting back the goodness and love that was always there.
Travel. Plane tickets to San Jose in March, a cross country trip in April with a stop to see Dave and Tessa, air travel to meet Amy and see Paul and Arma Jo in August and on to visit Mom. The miracle of traveling across country in car or plane is still an amazing thing. Within days or hours I am in the arms of loved ones. No text, email, FaceTime, or phone call can compare with that.
Podcasts - both spiritual and the mundane. They connect me to higher ground or keep me in the know of what it is being experienced by the younger set. This becomes more and more of a challenge as I age. I could easily just live my life and think my deep thoughts. Knowledge is power.
Netflix/streaming services. Somehow through great trial and error and advice from Dave, I have come to have services that are meeting my wants and desires with very little disappointment. I also have appreciated recommendations from my kids, my brother, and Lorraine on what to watch next.
Living in a smaller space. Everything in life seems to have prepared me for this, the smallest abode ever. The last few years have been a constant accumulation and shedding of possessions and houses and here I sit in this rented duplex two short blocks from my dearly beloved. I am happy in the small space. There is room to bake and prepare my Hello Fresh meals (thank you Lorraine) but it is small enough to feel the warmth and safety of walls around me.
And the lows
Scheduling time to write. Retirement was all about having the time to create, to learn new things, to develop gifts. And I really did think that a half time job would still leave me half the time to create and learn and grow. Just as I needed a schedule when I first retired, I again need a half time schedule.
Living blue in a red state. I’ve been out of Florida for 9 months and this feeling still resides in my memory of 2022. Watching the news became a thing of pain and a nonstop prediction of what did Florida do or say today. I truly believed I was an independent thinker and didn’t need like minded people near me in order to process the events of the day. It made me keenly aware of what I said to whom. Yes, I need my tribe and that is definitely on the west coast.
Service. Although I tried out several avenues of service in Florida, none of them seemed to stick for very long. However my unpredictable schedule and travel plans didn’t make it any easier. Everything I attempted was put through the lens of service in San Jose. But when I returned, I realized these opportunities too either didn’t fit the schedule or I didn’t fit the service agency. So my challenge has been to redefine “service.” I am serving the poor every day and am trusting that when the right fit comes along, I will recognize it and grab on.
Coaching class. This opportunity came along and I grabbed it thinking it would lead me along the path to spiritual guiding. It hasn’t quite panned out the way I thought it would but I am still Zooming in every Monday and picking up new learning when and where I can.
Housing. Finding housing in the move back to the bay area turned out to be a series of one compromise after another. My house buying days were clearly over but the dream is still there. I do miss home ownership and being able to paint a wall if I so desire. This all feels like the right thing “for now.” I have no idea what the future holds for me or the housing market but the door will always be open; condo, duplex, tiny house…
The life you imagined. This year has definitely not lived out the way I thought it would. I suppose that is the added challenge of making these life changing decisions; they are based on what we imagine life will be compared to the life we are already living. The dream often wins out over the reality. But I am making it work and loving almost every bit of it.
And so now, I prepare to enter the unknown of 2023. I know it holds untold sorrows and joys yet to be experienced. Loved ones will suffer and some will pass away and I will commit to memory incredible events that today I cannot even imagine. But I will take the next right step each and every day and trust that all will be well and that love will abide.
