The Power of One

One person can make a difference in the workplace as well as the classroom. I have had several years of my teaching career where the absence of one child could change a class dramatically. You always wished for a day when he (it seems it's always a he in elementary school) would be absent. And then when it happened your dreams come true. You can actually teach the rest of the class. You remember why you went into teaching. You're on cloud 9. Well, evidently that is true of the adults at school as well. We have a very negative person who has been "absent." What a difference it has made in the faculty room. It is a reminder to me of the power that each person has on our environment. We can choose to be a positive or negative influence. The consequences then reflect that choice. Our voice, positive or negative then echoes back through those we communicate with. How can we counterbalance that negativity? I'm extremely aware of it when it happens but it seems to take so much energy to resond in a positive tone or to contradict what's being said. It's just so much easier to walk away and go back to my room where I can create my own oasis. Each of us is being called to "be the change you want to see." That takes energy. It takes courage. It also takes a healthy self concept in order to remember that my opinions and thoughts are just as important as anyone elses no matter how loud or negative they may be. I am a part of my community and each voice must be heard in order for our us to be as strong as it is meant to be.

Letting Go

In my previous post I referred to the Fiddler On the Roof production put on by Roberta Jones Junior Theater. I'm not a person who cries easily at movies or plays. Yet I felt teary a few times last night. As I reflected on it they were all scenes that dealt with Tevye letting go of his daughters. The idea of watching your children mature and then stepping back as they walk away is still an odd thing. It was easier for me to do than it is to think about having done it. As mothers we spend time worrying and trying to make things easy for our children so they will have a happy life. That's all any of us wants; for the people we love to be happy. But there are certainly no guarantees in life so even if I could have changed the way things have turned out for my children I don't think I would. During the last scene Tevye talks about each of the 3 daughters and after he laments each one's plight he says "...but she's happy ...she couldn't be happier. So despite the sadness it creates to watch your children leave the mother in me only wishes for my children's happiness. And then I wonder - is this the grief that my father and I share each time we leave each other? We hold on to each other knowing that in seconds we will be ripped apart because the car or plane is waiting. He watches me walking away and his only wish is for my happiness.

Drama

I went to see one of my students in Fiddler On The Roof last night - a Santa Clara Junior Theater production. I know this girl very well since it is our second year together so watching her was fascinating. She was not only comfortable on stage she appeared to revel in it. This is fascinating to me because that would be one of the worst things I could ever endure. The thought of being in the spotlight and knowing that hundreds of people were watching me would do me in. She had an amazing presence and was clearly interacting with the audience. Now this was no starring role - she was simply one of the village children. So it must be true that there are no small parts just small actors. This made me wonder about D. Would his childhood have been better if we had found him some theater to be a part of? I'm not kicking myself - just wondering. What are the signs that a child is headed for the bright lights? He certainly didn't demand to be the center of attention. Ah well. We can only deal with what we know and I didn't know anything about theater. Too bad babies don't come with a spiritual how-to manual.

A First!

Today a parent made a request of me that I honestly couldn't believe. This week we have our spring conferences. They are never easy. They are all for kids on AAP and it's all about projecting the end of year progress and setting up summer plans. Summer School, tutoring, etc. To begin with I had 2 sets of parents who had not responded to their appointments so I had to call them before school started. They both ended up saying they wouldn't be able to make it today and would need to call and reschedule. Well one of them called and left a voice mail with 2 options. 1) Could we do the conference by phone during lunch and 2) Could we conference during lunch. EXCUSE ME! Here's a news flash. Teachers are human beings and they actually do eat lunch. Yeah. I know we only have 40 minutes (probably more like 30 by the time we get the kids out the door and to the tables) but it's the only time we have all day to eat. Do you really want your kid to deal with me until 2:46 without food? I don't think so. This girl can get pretty grumpy without her lunch. Now here is the amusing part. When I called her back and informed her that neither options 1 or 2 would be possible because I actually do eat lunch I suggested that perhaps instead we could meet before or after school. "OH! We could meet before school! That would be perfect." OK. Let me get this straight. You can't meet at 2:00 so your first idea is to meet during lunch and not before or after school? Now I really don't get it. I swear somebody does need to write a book about the real life of teachers. Here's a place to start. We eat 3 meals a day. We sleep. We even shop at the grocery store. We are real people.

I'm baaack

OK. I think that I'm ready to "write" again. It feels like there's a lot going on in my life but it could just be that I'm being pulled to challenge myself again. Most of the time school and home are enough for me but lately there has been an emptiness inside. Yeah. I guess I am not enough for me any longer. When I left my marriage I truly believed that I would never want/need to be with anyone again. I have been on my own for 8+ years now and still I feel that out of balance state that says "This is odd." It's not just a living single in a couples world thing. There's a hole that needs to be filled. I'm still a little nervous about doing what it will take to fill it but I know that's where I'm headed this time around. I have the deep desire to share my life with another human being. I don't think that any of us were meant to go through this journey alone. So what does that mean? Match.com, e-harmony? I don't know. I just know that I have to do something. Normally I would say that he's not going to come knocking at my door but I've already tried dating my neighbor. That didn't work out so well. Maybe I just need to face what IS before I tackle what could be. But the good news is that I have actually taken myself out a couple times in the past two weeks. The first time was just to Hobees but that was huge for me. The most difficult words to come out of my mouth were "Table for 1."

The current status of my house is interesting. It is slowly but surely becoming the realization that my dreams can come true. The process of just figuring out what I really want has been interesting in itself. As I have journeyed through these steps I have slowly but surely come back to my original dream of hardwood floors and beadboard cabinets. Interesting. So I give thanks to Dan for bringing my dream back and the happiness that came with it. It feels like I did it the hard way but I guess it's always been that way for me. I hope that in the next phase of life I can learn to recognize my dreams when they come around the FIRST time. It would make things so much easier.

Work is going well. I am speaking my truth and it feels good. I love this time of year. There is still quite a bit of teaching time left but I can see the end in sight. I love my class. They are funny and "get" me. Last week we had an incident where they knew I was totally frustrated and a few of them reminded me to "think happy thoughts." They actually ended up breaking into song. What else could it have been but "The Good Ship Lollipop?" I totally lost it and laughed myself silly. Third grade is a wonderful thing.

Old Journal

Dec. 23rd, 2006 @ 06:53 pm
Memory
I got this in a forward today. I think it is something we could all work on during this season of "comfort and joy."

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "Today my best friend slapped me in the face."

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "Today my best friend saved my life."

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone, why?"

The friend replied, "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and carve your benefits in stone.

Dec. 19th, 2006 @ 10:23 pm
I Miss Thanksgiving
According to the calendar, it's only been a few weeks since Thanksgiving but it feels like a lifetime ago. Given a choice I will always take Thanksgiving over Christmas. That's the way it's always been for me - even as a child. I never got into the give me, give me attitude that now seems to pervade the entire Christmas experience. I do however have a vivid memory of complete childhood euphoria the year I opened up that bride doll I had so deeply desired. Thanksgiving is the time of gratefulness, immersed in the beauty of changing leaves and seasons. Just a light breeze in the air to remind me that the earth is slowly spinning away from the sun. And now I am in darkness for most of the day. I spend my time with 8 year olds who now only seem to be able to count backwards as they tick off the days remaining. I am cold and there is a gnawing ache in my fingers and toes. I am covered in layers of clothing from head to toe 24 hours a day - no more 3/4 length sleeves that allow room for banded bracelets or a skirt now and then to show my changing moods. Christmas feels like obligations for non-stop tokens of appreciation - my class, co-workers, friends and even family. It is baking in large quantities just to fill a bag or box. I have finally resorted to an almost totally cash Christmas. My parents and siblings have received gift cards of which most of them are deeply grateful. There's still a few die hards that enjoy the shopping and discovery of the perfect gift experience. But I have allowed myself to look beyond what's being given to me and focus instead on what I can handle. No malls, no shipping to Florida, Iowa, Texas or Washington. I have tossed in the white flag and am waving it back and forth as hard as I can. But despite my dedication to simplicity this Christmas seems to be filled with all sorts of emotional drama - at work, at home, friends , family. I find myself looking for the camera. I'm certain that I have become part of some clandestine sit com. The "show" includes miles of gaudy garland, packages covered in the finest wrap and ribbon. Dinner fit for a king. Stop! Why must we take all our hopes and dreams for what family and friendship can be, cover them with red, green and gold paper, and pack them into one week - parties, dinners, let's meet for breakfast, lunch,dinner. What happens during the rest of the year? What's wrong with a dinner to say I love you in March or June or September? Why must it all be based on December 25th? We're all tired and emotions are running high. Our feelings get hurt. Tears come easily as we remember those who are no longer with us this Christmas. It is a time when I must remember to be good to myself. To be aware of all these feelings and let them be. To only take on what I can handle. It's OK to thank people for invitations and graciously decline. It's OK to show up late or leave early in an effot to keep the spirit of the season alive in my heart. So as I wrap those final gifts I tuck inside them my prayers that somehow what will come out of the box is my love and affection for my friends and family. I look forward to the earth turning once again toward the sun and a few extra days to rest and savor all the goodness in my life.


Nov. 17th, 2006 @ 10:51 pm
Thanksgving Memories

It could have been any year from my childhood but the sights, sounds, smells and tastes would have been the same. There was never a Thanksgiving that didn’t start with a walk through my Grandmother’s door into her kitchen. The minute I entered the room I was overwhelmed with a blast of warm air coming from the oven that was hard at work creating another delicious Thanksgiving feast. Food was everywhere; turkey, stuffing, vegetables, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, cranberries, salads, pies. Hugs came from every direction – Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Arma Jo, Uncle Paul. This was the holiday that we all spent together. Dad and Paul took the day off and it was dedicated to family and food. The clanging of pots and pans quickly changed to the higher pitch of plates, bowls and platters as the table was set for dinner. Grandma gave the order and a parade of food immediately appeared as we all found our places at the table. Each year the day was different but yet the same. The years have meshed into one giant memory of family, food and love.

The years passed. I went away to college and somehow found myself celebrating Thanksgiving with my roommate’s family in Tampa. I immediately realized all that I had left behind. Thanksgiving suddenly became a day of mourning. Instead of a day filled with love it started with tears. Grandma’s kitchen became my definition of home.

Flash forward to 1976. I am 24, married less than 2 months, living in my mother-in-law’s house. Everyone is aflutter with the coming holiday that will be my first with the Giannini clan. I am looking forward to an Italian recreation of the Allen tradition. The day comes and the only smell I recognize is turkey. The stuffing is more meat than bread, rice has taken the place of sweet potatoes and there are apples in the pumpkin pie. The food is delicious but despite the date on the calendar it is simply not Thanksgiving.

It is clear to Ralph that, although he doesn’t understand it, there is something mysterious about Thanksgiving to his new wife and we agree that it will be our holiday together alone. And so the Thanksgivings roll along one after the other. They are all spent at home and each one starts with tears remembering Grandma’s kitchen. The long distance calls are made and received – my grandparents, Uncle Paul and Aunt Arma Jo, Mom and Dad, Patty and Mike. By the time dinner is on the table my heart is filled with the love of my own children and the memories we are creating with our holiday together alone.

Pumpkin pie becomes pumpkin cheesecake but little else changes through the years until I turn my world upside down and find myself in Texas. The thought of Thanksgiving without my children is more than I can handle. The moving truck hasn’t arrived with the furniture or pots and pans but Thanksgiving is still at my house which is now a duplex. Thanksgiving dinner comes compliments of The Good Earth. We are a family again.

The duplex morphs into a little blue house on Fremont Street and Thanksgiving memories now include dishes like Tofurkey and vegetable tarts. The faces around the table vary from year to year but the sights and sounds continue to bring love to life. Suddenly there is a surprise change in plans. Dave calls and asks us to celebrate with the Ferraros in anticipation of announcing their Handfasting plans. We are embraced by the Ferraros for several years. Each Thanksgiving is filled with Pat and Chrysa’s delicious food and the love of the Ferraro family that binds us all together. But in my heart I am once again missing the smells of Grandma’s kitchen. And so this year I find myself again preparing to cook Thanksgiving dinner at home.

Through the years Thanksgiving has been my north star. Without it I am aimlessly adrift. With it my past and present come together in one day; a day that like all the Thanksgivings of my childhood is dedicated to family, food and love.


Oct. 28th, 2006 @ 05:52 pm Playtime For Kids
An Editorial from the Mercury News worth thinking about...
Move `play time' to the top of your child's to-do list

By Leslie Berlin
``I'm too busy,'' my daughter announced. ``I have something every day after school.'' Swim team on Mondays, soccer on Tuesdays and Fridays, Hebrew on Wednesdays, and Brownies on alternate Thursdays.
She was right. One thing after another had crept into the schedule until she had no free time left. My son, listening nearby, mentioned that students in his grade have had to give up recess time to sit through mandatory meetings, led by parents, about the carnival at his Palo Alto school. Last month, this same child brought home a science worksheet that included fill-in-the-blank questions about E = mc(s2) and nuclear fusion.
My son is in the fifth grade. My daughter is 8.
What are we doing to our children?
Earlier this month, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a report on the ``Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development'' that makes clear my children are not alone. The report's authors noted that ``American children with adequate resources may be limited from enjoying the full developmental assets associated with play because of a family's hurried lifestyle as well as an increased focus on the fundamentals of academic preparation in lieu of a broader view of education.''
In other words, we are inadvertently but systematically stealing from our children the only thing they can never regain: their childhood. In its place we are giving them a life that reproduces the worst aspects of our own adult lives: no play time, a constant sense that you are not keeping up, a day filled from the minute you wake up until you fall asleep with one must-do activity after another.
Most afternoons, our children are not playing. They are at a class or rehearsal or lesson or practice or meet or performance. And because so many of these children are asked to function in every aspect of their lives at an absurd level, there are also visits to private coaches and personal tutors -- so the children can maintain a toehold where they never should have been in the first place.
After activities end, it's homework time. Ten minutes per grade level, or roughly an hour for a fifth-grader, not counting the 20 minutes of music practice required by the school -- the children had to sign a contract saying they would do it -- or the 20 minutes of daily reading, or the ongoing ``long-term projects'' that lurk in the background, ensuring that our kids tune their ears to that singular soundtrack of adulthood: ``Too much to do, too much to do.''
``Play is so important to optimal child development,'' write the pediatricians, ``that it has been recognized by the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights as a right of every child.'' In my town, Palo Alto, where children have so many toys that their parents bar birthday gifts, this right is threatened not by war or poverty, but by a philosophy that might be boiled down to this: If we can measure it, we want to see higher numbers (i.e., better scores, tougher curricula, more competitive sports leagues), and if we can't measure it, then it has no value.
Of course, it is the immeasurable things, the things being lost, that are the most important. Family time -- we are together, just us, no interruptions. Friend time -- make up a game and all its rules, and referee it on your own. Chore time -- you have to do it because you are a member of this family, and all of us share the load. Boredom time -- do nothing until creativity blossoms. Quiet time -- lie on your back and watch the clouds.
We need to make these times priorities in our children's lives. These are what give a child a self. This is how he or she learns: I am loved, I have friends, I am capable, I can innovate, I can be alone. In the end, when everything else is stripped away -- when no one can call a coach or a tutor on our child's behalf, when the Ivy League diplomas are dusty on the walls, when our children fail at work or are humiliated in romance, when they have passed some days in Melville's ``damp drizzly November of the soul'' -- these few certainties about themselves will pull them through and keep them whole.
Changing our children's lives in this way is easier said than done, to be sure. My daughter did not want to drop some of her activities, but she did. I'm summoning my courage to bring up homework and recess at my son's school. Maybe with little steps such as these, we can start slowing things down and ban training wheels from the fast lane.
LESLIE BERLIN (lberlin@gmail.com) is a historian at StanfordUniversity. She wrote this article for the Mercury News.


Oct. 28th, 2006 @ 05:34 pm
A new adventure
This is obviously not going to be the year to learn about my inner thoughts via a journal. There is just too much going on. New grade level - which is obviously going to be a challenge all year long - my role as support provider and learning a whole new set of educational acronyms, and teaching Soar To Success to 12 5th graders after school 3 days a week. And I have taken on one more additionanl thing. I just finished my first 10 hours of training to be a volunteer adult literacy tutor. I have to admit that I thought I would kind of test out of the training. I thought that 16 years of teaching reading and writing might exempt me from sitting in a classroom for 2 whole Saturdays to learn how to teach reading and writing. Oh well. I spent most of the training suspended between a feeling of satisfaction that "they" have got a good handle on effective reading and writing strategies and the anticipation of teaching a grown-up. But the class ended with the notion that the root difference between the child and adult learner is that the adult can tell you if it's working or not. Genius! I can just say, "What did you learn?" and get an immediate evaluation of the lesson. This could change everything! So I am hopeful that I will be matched up with a learner in the next week or two and be off on still another new adventure.

Oct. 5th, 2006 @ 07:13 pm
Conference Week
The term "conference week" can only be truly understood by an elementary school teacher. The best descriptors are exhausting, overwhelming, and a deep low primordial moan. I know it is necessary and it is truly in the best interest of our kids but it is also the most stressful week of the year. We are given a total of 345 minutes to conference with 20 (in 4th and 5th grade it is 33) sets of parents for 20 minutes. That is truly fuzzy math when you take into consideration the time it takes to collect work samples, fill out goal forms, AAP forms and intervention forms. And then there is the emotional preparation - finding the words to tell parents objectively but gently that there are "issues." I have to say that with evey grade that goes by it becomes easier. They have heard it in kindergarten, 1st grade, and 2nd grade. By the time they hit 3rd grade it is definitely becoming a familiar refrain. I haven't had any criers yet this year. That is definitely a good thing. I used to follow the guideline that I would never say anything to a parent that I wouldn't want said to me about one of my own children. But this year with a few students in attendance that axiom has been changed to "Don't say anthing you wouldn't want your own child to hear about him/herself." The conference piece is tricky enough on its own but then there is the regualar teaching of reading, writing, and math that goes on. I refuse to let any of that be compromised. So the kids walk out the door at 1:37 (or so) and the first pair of parents walk in at 1:45. It is helpful to be a little schizophrenic. You go from leading, coaching, and cajoling 8 year olds to listening, understanding and empathizing.with 30 somethings. Get me out of here. And then there is all the other stuff. Parents who haven't paid their field trip fees, turned in their walk-a-thon pledges, signed up for Sutterfest booths, etc., etc., etc. I did get a few chuckles out of my latest field trip money letter though. It must have been effective because 2 of my sets of conference parents plopped down their field trip money on the table before anything was said or signed. Mission accomplished.

So here are the things I have learned in my conferences: My special ed kid's dad still thinks his son is lazy and would rather play than do his homework. STAR test scores scare the bejeebers out of parents. Kids are scared to death to be involved in any kind of a 3 way conversation about their academic goals. Parents are stunned to find out that their children can be organized, neat, compassionant, and caring citizens who want to live in a peaceful world. Karate can help children who don't listen to directions and can take cues from others around them. Parents will do anything to help their children succeed - just tell them what and how.

So despite my exhaustion I remain content with my decision to move up to 3rd grade. These children have become a part of me. They understand the importance of our day to day events. We are building a community that cares about one another; we are friends who stand together side by side through the joys and turmoils that life offers. We know that a mistake is just a mistake and we aren't judged by it. We can laugh and cry together and know that every day our brains are getting a little bit smarter and our hearts a bit softer. It is good to be here and now.


Sep. 25th, 2006 @ 04:56 pm
Belated thoughts on World Peace
Last Thursday was the International Day of Peace and I made time in my teaching day to work on turning my 20 third graders toward this notion of world peace. It was not easy. We actually had to start with what does it mean to be at peace with yourself. The responses started with "being away from noise, silent, calm, not fighting." Phase two was investigating how we treat others peacefully. "Treat people nicely with respect, be happy with everything around you, being friendly, there's no one ruling over you, no one has to pick up after you, treat people the way you want to be treated, helping not destroying." And finally I asked the question of how we can say we are a peaceful country if people are dying in Iraq and other countries. Once we got past repeating the voices they hear at home (we're fighting for peace) I finally heard the question answered in kid speak, "They're fighting to have peace but they're not having peace because they are killing each other.
Amen

Sep. 25th, 2006 @ 06:41 am
Mom and Dad
The weekend with my parents has ended too quickly. Only silence and emptiness is left in their place. They enter my life with a bang and bring a bit of chaos that is now foreign to my solitary living. And when they are gone I close the door and hope I have made the most of every moment we have had together. I know they won't be with me forever and because we live so far apart I don't get to choose when or where we see each other. It just has to be. My dad continues to mellow through the years with the exception of his exuberant patriotism. We can now have conversations about America's approach to native Americans and even to some degree environmentalism. He is beginning to listen to others opinions and sometimes even asks for them. I am glad we both made it to be in this place at the same time. It is however very hard to watch his gradual physical deterioration. The pneumonia and heart surgery scares of 2 years ago were a crisis for us all but watching him become unable to do what he has always done is truly a challenge. He and we must redefine who he is to be for the rest of our time together. My mom is my mom. She is opinionated but those views change with the wind so you have to remember they are just words. I listen and try to respond as authentically as I can. It is good to see her thinner and more mobile. Dad is adjusting to her cane so she's becoming more comfortable with it. It is sad to watch them look and move more like grandparents than parents. I just pray that we will have many more of these visits to share in the years ahead. I am certainly not ready to let either one of them go.

Aug. 28th, 2006 @ 06:55 pm
Another beginning
Today was the first day of school so I have begun again. There is no other job that gives you the opportunity to reflect on the who you are and rename it. Every summer we teachers close down our rooms and think about those children who have just left and wonder what we have left them with. Much like parenting we wonder did we love them enough, was there the discipline and organization they will need to carry them to the next grade. what words of mine will live on in their hearts and minds. It didn't appear that I would have had much time for reflection this summer but I guess it must happen on its own by the mere absence of children. So today was the first day to live out the me I want to be. The tone was set so easily by just sitting where we can all see each other several times throughout the day. My charts now all use the word our in place of my. Peace, friends, trust , team and together were the most commonly used words. We spent most of our day getting to "know" each other in place of mastering the curriculum. It did feel a little odd for me but it was also FUN. Community building takes time. There are no shortcuts. So our first of 179 class meetings is tomorrow.

Other reflections of the day:
Third graders are the big kids. That means a late lunch and no afternoon recess. That is actually good for me because I was never ready to stop teaching 55 minutes after lunch for a 10 minute recess anyway. But they looked pretty sad when they watched the second graders skip down the hall to their recess:(

Third graders are the big kids. With my assistance they have taken over the paper recycling in the school. And they are totally jazzed! Will everyone get a turn to collect the paper? How many turns will we get? I have a sneaking suspicion there may be a lot more paper than I've dreamed of so we may need to do a mid-week check before the Friday pick-up.

I have 2 students new to the school - one from an Islamic school and one from a Catholic school. How do you explain Sutter Frog Jump so that it seems logical to an 8 year old? No, honey, you don't get to keep the frog.

TC has left Sutter. He stopped coming to summer school and has reappeared back in EPA. How do we break that chain of addiction with young mothers? His grandmother was one of the strongest women I've ever met and she was determined to save her family. How sad it must be to watch your grown children go down that road over and over again - and take your grandchildren with them.

The youngest member of the W family is in second grade. It was so difficult to explain to his teacher that mom really doesn't do the smiling thing. And, yes, if there are learning issues she will indeed go toe to toe with you.

Funniest sound of the day heard at 8:20 repeatedly until the 8:30 bell - Miss Allen! Why are you in Room 13? Are you teaching THIRD GRADE?

Aug. 5th, 2006 @ 05:08 pm
Scars
My last entry was about a scar from my childhood. It was a scar you could see and touch. And in the touching, the memories come flooding back. I remember the day it was born. I remember trying to hide it in my teen years. It has now become a part of me and I rarely think about it. But what about the scars we can't see and we hide away. We bury them day by day deeper and deeper hoping they will slowly disappear. But they never do. They are always there. And from time to time the memories coming flooding back. Sometimes when we least expect it. The broken hearts we have suffered from our friends and lovers. The times we have disappointed those who love and respect us. The shame that comes from the spoken words or from silence. These are the scars that seem to be tormenting me. They are present now as I have opened my spirit to try and reconcile my past with my present. There are lots of childhood memories that were less than happy. They are visiting me in the most awkward moments. I am trying to accept them as companions on my journey as they are a part of who I have become. A light has been shown on them and they can never return to the darkness again.

Aug. 3rd, 2006 @ 06:01 pm
A childhood memory
I just thought I would share the result of my writing workshop class this week. The assignment was to write about a childhood memory. I chose the event that resulted in a rather noticeable scar on my left knee. One of our drafting assignments was to talk to someone else who knew the story. I chose to e-mail my mom and received the most fascinating response. She recalled the incident and remembered arguing with Dad about whether I needed stitches. Then she told me how hard it was to watch because there was so much blood but she didn't remember me crying much. Then she said that watching the doctor put in the stitches was really hard. Her comment was she didn't know how much more she could take. That's a pretty loving comment from my mom. So here is the current version of my story.

The warmth of the bright sunny morning showed now sign of anything out of the ordinary. As a young child, my family was once again spending the day at my neighboring aunt and uncle's to finish the construction of their new two story house. As the adults set about to work my sister, brothers, and cousins made plans for a friendly game of tag as we had done hundreds of times before. The ground was littered with remnants of building materials necessary for the house's completion so we had been reminded by the moms to "Be careful." We were all just running here and there, dodging one another, laughing and shouting. "Big kids against the little ones," shouted my brother. "That's not fair," I yelled. But my older siblings took off running ignoring me and leaving me behind once again. Speeding around the corner, I made it safely to the back of the house untouched and looked behind me to make sure neither of the big kids were around. As I headed down the hill I suddenly stumbled, tripping one foot over another. As I fell I caught a glimpse of a silver flash of blinding light. Falling forward I landed with a dull thud and immediately felt the sharp edge of a steel band pierce my left knee. I screamed in pain and at once felt wet tears shoot onto my cheeks and the warmth of my own blood trickling down my leg forming a still pool on the ground. I rolled over and saw a sea of red. The events that followed were a blur of people rushing about and strained voices struggling to remain calm. My siren scream had signaled my aunt who rushed to my side while she sent my big sister to get Mom. I watched as everyone scurried about trying to stop the bleeding. Heads came together forming a tight circle as the adults tried to make medical decisions about what to do next. Out of no where there were warm wet towels being carefully wrapped around my leg. I was gently lifted and tucked into the car beside my mom like a precious gift being placed under the Christmas tree. I was suddenly overcome with the love and attention that a middle child so desperately craves. There surely must have been searing pain from the open wound but I felt nothing but the warmth of being surrounded by my family. No one there was ever going to let anything harm me. Even the big kids looked worried. I was suddenly more than just another one of the Allen kids. I was loved. I was important. I was safe and I mattered. The car rushed to the hospital as I leaned into my mom feeling her strong arms supporting me. I was carried into the emergency room and quickly stitched back together. My stardom within the family carried on for days and weeks following the trip to the hospital as I had to keep my leg straight and the stitches dry resulting in several rides in the little red wagon and more than a few sponge baths. The three cornered scar remains quite evident to this day many years later. Although it should be a reminder of pain, it holds for me only the memory of my family's love.

Jul. 28th, 2006 @ 09:18 pm
Celebrate Me
Before I begin I must give Dave credit for putting those 2 words together in my brain. My birthday is quickly approaching and it is indeed a day to celebrate me. What does that mean? Who or what am I? I am a mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend. I am a traveler on the journey of life ready to learn and grow from whatever awaits me. I am in this moment and only this moment experiencing it to the fullest. I am a dreamer. I believe that wisdom is power. As a teacher of young children, I truly do put my hope in the future. I am coming to the realization that I can change the world not only through my thoughts, words and actions but also through those thoughts words and actions in my classroom. I and only I am responsible for the mark I leave on the world. I believe that this planet can and must live in peace.

So if for some unforeseen reason I was to become famous and July 31st was to become a holiday what would people be doing to celebrate me? They would all be sitting around talking, really talking about the important things of life. Peace. The environment. Spirituality. They would be eating something wonderful with complex flavors – most likely a decadent dessert and saying mmmmmm… after each bite so that the taste was emblazoned on their memory cells. They would ponder or better yet walk through some natural environment – the beach, the mountains, a babbling brook, a garden or park or maybe just find a nice tree to sit under somewhere. They would think deep thoughts about our world and consider just one more way they could become more deeply involved in their own life. And last but not least they would reaffirm their commitment to live Tere’s rules.

Tere’s Rules to Live By

Love deeply

Be the change.

Live your life in forward; the past only prepared you for the you that you are today.

There is deep serenity and balance to be found in nature.

There is always another choice

Don’t be afraid to take a risk. Living on the edge teaches you who you can become.

Color your life with flowers – especially big, strong, yellow ones!

There is no such thing as perfect.

Dream, dream, dream.

And never forget that ultimately the universe is in charge.

Jul. 26th, 2006 @ 08:54 pm
A wake up call
I am once again being guided by the universe. During the Delta Kappa Gamma convention I went to a workshop on creating peaceful classrooms and was inspired. I have dabbled in this the past few years on my own so it was good to listen to teachers who have taken it on full force and are willing to lead others. Then I came home to Sunday Celebration on Living Large. Doti fanned the flame and has me thinking about participating more fully in my own life. I am the acorn that is being planted. There's a part of me that is really looking forward to going back to school and trying out this new approach to classroom climate. I'm not really thinking much about the curriculum of 3rd grade but I'm totally immersed in this idea of leading children to a peaceful existence. I have investigated some web sites and ordered a couple books. I'm anxious to start planning out the first few weeks of school and living large.

Jul. 16th, 2006 @ 06:59 pm
Italy
My original plan was to write a little “story” of my trip to Italy. Well, I have been back for 9 days now so that’s obviously not going to happen. Perhaps just the highlights is something that is doable. Luckily I do have my travel journal so maybe someday a story will appear.

Flight to Rome
Nothing as bad as I had imagined. Yes, indeed I can sleep on an airplane. We arrived on time searching for our driver. Hmmm… Nobody holding a sign with the name Allen or Eagleson on it. We searched for the fine print of the itinerary and realized our flight times had been changed but no one had told the Visit Italy people. I attempted to call for help but couldn’t connect with anyone who spoke my version of Italian. So we found a shuttle and arrived at our hotel without too much delay.

Rome was a pleasant surprise. My first thought was that Ralph HAS to come here. I was amazed by all the history and architecture and wondered how much more amazing would it be for someone who actually has roots here. We found our way from site to site, took a tour of the Sistine Chapel and had an incredible experience with bank guards and machine guns. Evidently 2 middle aged women appear to be quite a threat to the Italian banking system. Who knew?

Assisi
After an indescribable experience at the Rome train station and learning that the word sopresso means the train is on strike we eventually found our way to Assisi. We saw the sights as the sun was setting but I was deeply struck by the feeling that this indeed was a sacred space. The Catholic Church has an incredible knack of finding good land and holding on to it. We ate, drank slept and shopped for about 18 hours in Assisi. It was a tight fit but we came away feeling spiritually renewed and feeling the weight of the first piece of Italian pottery in my carry on bag.

Cortona
On to Perugia to get our rental car. Another bad beginning that resulted in a visit to Hertz and canceling our pre-arranged rental. Yes, I can now honestly say that I drove in Italy. Fabulous! But also impossible without someone sitting beside you to assist in reading the signs as you maneuver the round abouts. We stayed in Cortona but saw Siena (one of my all time favorites), Montepulciano, and San Gimignano (best gelato in the WORLD) and bought more Italian pottery.

Florence/Lucca
We dropped the car off at the Florence airport without incident and took Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride ala taxi to the hotel. Florence was fabulous. We didn’t do the museum scene because of the long lines and extreme humidity but I still feel content about Florence. It is an artist’s paradise. Art is everywhere – in widows, on the sidewalks, seemingly in the air you breathe. And we found another fabulous gelateria. Ponte Vecchio was a favorite of mine. But we also went to the market and hung out with the locals watching the World Cup. We took the train to Lucca via Pisa. Lucca was another pleasant surprise. I can’t explain it completely but there are 2 things that have stuck with me. #1 There are no motor vehicles allowed in the city center so you don’t have to dart cars, motorcycles or vespas. And the second thing is that everyone there seemed so happy. It was like a little village where everyone knew you and your family. If I were ever to live in Italy this is the town I would choose. Oh yeah, and more pottery

Cinque Terre
This was perhaps the only place we visited that was close to what I expected. It looked and felt just like the pictures and web sites. Small, beachy, and good hiking. We took the boat tour of the towns (just to get off the train for a day) and got to hang out watching the World Cup once again. The heat must have gotten to us completely because we HAD to have a margarita. Yes, it was an extreme disappointment but there’s just something about lime juice and heat that go together. Actually one of the highlights here was watching the Palio (Siena bareback horse race) on TV. The pageantry was fabulous and the lack of safety legislation was so refreshing.

Venice
What can one say about Venice? There is nothing like it in the world. It is incredibly beautiful and romantic. And it is all about the shopping… and the bellinis!

Flying home
Then it was back on the train to Milan and the long long flight home.

And so Italy is slowly becoming a memory. It is truly the most amazing thing I have ever done. I feel totally satisfied and complete. If the opportunity ever arose to return, I would go but for now I am happy with the Italy I have experienced. I thank Marta for the planning and time she put forth to make my dream come true and my children for helping me realize the importance of dreaming.

Jul. 7th, 2006 @ 09:29 pm
Back in the USA
I am home! My trip to Italy was fabulous. I think it is the first thing that I ever did in my life that came out just the way I thought it would. That is not to say that there weren't some surprises along the way. It wouldn't be life without an unknown or two. But I did what I wanted, ate (and drank) what I liked and just stayed in the moment from Rome to Assisi to Cortona to Florence to Lucca to Monterossa, to Venice. Thanks to Marta who planned this trip by listening not only to my words but my heart and to my kids who lead me there.

Jun. 14th, 2006 @ 07:57 pm
Teachers
I know that I have been venting a bit about teachers lately... but why stop now? I just am beginning to wonder about the type of person that is drawn to teaching and the idea of staying in school for her entire life. Is this like picking your parents or partner? Is it that we haven't resolved some deep seeded issue from high school and we hang around school until we get it right? I got together with a few teachers from Mayne the other day and we were chatting about the spirit of our respective schools. Just when I think that Sutter is as wacky as can be I hear something that puts me over the edge. It seems that Mayne faculty meetings now have norms that must be followed. Everyone must be respectful. If you have issues with someone they must be addressed outside of the meeting. WHAT? Oh yeah. And to be sure everyone follows the norms there is also a norm enforcer. I don't even know what you can say about something like that.
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Jun. 9th, 2006 @ 05:42 am
Mild confusion
I got involved in several conversations about the purpose of elementary school summer school yesterday. I never knew until the final one that there was a difference of opinion. I taught summer school in SCUSD once and only once and I vowed to NEVER do it again. It was a conglomeration of low achievers, ELLs and behavior issues (who sometimes looked like EDs) The focus was on teacher training not necessarily student achievement. I find that pretty confusing in itself. During the intervening 5 years that philosophy took a pretty strong foothold in the district. Then this year rolled around. The district left behind the teacher training idea and grabbed a hold of student growth. Hooray. I started preaching to my parents about this new and improved system. I even had a slight pang of regret that I would be in Venice on the first day of summer school and would not be able to sign up to teach. I had some on-going conversations with those in charge and was really encouraged about sending my 5 borderline kids. And then what did I hear yesterday... the language arts focus is (da ta da ta) poetry. Yep. Poetry. Now I personally have nothing against poetry. It is a wonderful place to teach word choice and writing from your heart. But these are kids who have some real issues with putting together a sentence and already make their own decisions about punctuation and capitalization. I kind of went a little berserk. Then the universe put one of the summer school principals in front of me and I played along. My promise to Joan was to start speaking out so I let my voice be heard. What I got back was so shocking I had little response. While I had thought for all these years that sending kids to summer school was for remediation there is an opposing view that these kids need something different. They need to know that school can be a fun place. They need to be in a community of learners. They need to be built up. Insert my big ah ha! One of her closing comments to be was, "Tere, these kids are not all coming from classrooms like yours. Some of them are pretty beat up when they get here." I see. Community is at the crux of my students' learning so she knew she had me on that one. So in the end we agreed to disagree. The question now is, what do I do with this information. 2 of my kids HAVE to be in summer school just to keep moving on the learning curve. 2 of them chose to be there. I'm just in a quandary with my one that I talked and talked and talked about the value of this new and improved summer school. I promised it would be different this year. What do I say now?

Jun. 6th, 2006 @ 08:06 pm
Remember that the future is an unknown
I vividly remember leaving high school and breathing a sigh of relief. Oh finally. I am leaving all this behind. The cliques. The backstabbing. The "I'm not your friend anymore" feeling. I thought I was going out into the real world where people were just political and played games of which you may or may not know the rules. And then I found Sutter. There have always been little groups that I filter in and out of. But until recently I have kept pretty much to myself. Close the door. Teach. Go to lunch and catch up on the latest gossip and then try to recover from it. Well since my return this year I really have tried to connect more with everyone. I'm not completely sure if that was a good idea or not. It might be time to go back to spending half my lunch in the faculty room and half of it in quiet meditation. A little background here might be useful.

Sutter has been in a bit of upheaval over the past 2 or 3 weeks. The principal announced she was leaving and heading to greener pastures at the DO. No surprise. She has been hinting loudly about this for the past 3 or 4 years. Well the staff was completely shocked. Not because she was leaving but because they didn't know. There has been a somewhat unhealthy relationship in our midst. It's just like a dysfunctional family. Everybody knows it's dysfunctional but its kind of working so we don't bother with fixing it. And now everything is being revealed. High school revisited. Talking behind people's backs with the reminder "Don't tell her I said that." Yuck. So today we finally, finally were given a ballot to choose the teacher representatives for the interview team to select the next principal (of which one of the applicants is a current teacher and another is a much loved teacher who left for the DO only last year). On the ballot were 2 3-5 teachers and 3 K-2 teachers. But one was a surprise. It seems that another teacher and the principal decided to submit her name without her approval. Interesting. And the winners were (insert drum roll here) Yep you guessed it the predicted 3-5 teacher and the SURPRISE K-2 teacher. Tongues everywhere were wagging. Missing recess break and coming in late for lunch to the faculty room (because of our tie dye project) was a fascinating experience. Some people were strangely missing, others were huddled around new heroes and there was a definite mix-up in the regular seating arrangement. I guess the most interesting part for me was the big fat huge reminder that it does no good to spend time predicting or worrying about the future. There is always an unknown that flies into the middle of your prediction and changes everything.

Jun. 3rd, 2006 @ 05:43 am
Saying good-by
After a 19 year battle with cancer J has said good-by to the body that housed her spirit for 62 years. At long last she is at rest. The family and friends she left behind has been deeply saddened by her farewell. But we remember J for the life she lived not the sadness of her death. I first met J through N at Asilomar many years ago. Little did I know that within a few years I would be working with her at Sutter School. J lived her professional life just as she did her personal life. She lived what she believed more deeply than I have ever seen in an "ordinary" human being. She took a stand against cancer that was an honor to witness. She believed there was no good reason for cancer and fought it with every breath she took. She was a founding member of the bay area support group, she marched, she made speeches. But the most important thing she did to battle cancer was to support other sufferers of the disease. The minute she heard of anyone's and I do mean anyone's diagnosis she was on the phone to them supporting them, guiding them and convincing them to take an active role in their medical care. This was not a single call. This was every day, every week, every year. We all knew this about her but it wasn't until her funeral that we learned the number of people she was in contact with and the longevity with which she made those calls. She lived her beliefs. She believed in protecting the environment and was able to teach that to her 4th and 5th graders. She made it concrete for them and all of us by starting the Sutter garden. What J knew best was how to have fun. She always saw the lighter side of things. She was a simple woman. She knew who and what she was and never tried to hide from it or be something she wasn't. She lived her life fully and beat out her death for years and years. I actually pity any new teachers who come to Sutter and try to decipher the connection we all have to this woman called J. Her spirit will remain there. In the garden. At Sutterfest. At frog jump.

In reflecting on J's life I am called to thought and action. What does the world really know of my beliefs? How am I living them? Will anyone be changed by me the way we were all changed by J?

J became who she was as a result of cancer. It changed the footprint she left on earth. Through cancer she (and the rest of us) learned the power of one. She fought hard and never ever gave up despite the pain, the dire predictions, or the setbacks. She believed in herself and that God was walking beside her every step of the journey. While she was here, J always seemed larger than life to me. But in her death I am somehow called to carry on what was begun.

And so I say good-by to the body that was J and welcome her spirit to continue on with its journey. This world needs all the fighters it can get. Come back soon.


Apr. 25th, 2006 @ 03:22 pm
Addendum to Today's Children
Standing in line Monday morning following our spring break, one of my students eagerly handed me a letter he had written in his time off. I am always thrilled to see children using writing as an authentic tool of communication. So I tore open the envelope and read these words:

Dear Miss Allen,
How is your vacation? I am glad we are off school for a week. I wanted to have a easter egg hunt at school but we did not have one. But I hope you have a good spring.
love,
XXXX


April 23, 2006
Another dose of Jimm
Current Mood: cheerful
I have returned from a short trip to San Diego and another dose of Jimm's energy and humor. It was great to see her again and to see her so happy. The little Thai girl has found herself not only living at the beach but moving on up to a room in La Jolla. This was the dream that she announced to us before she left Santa Clara and we all laughed hysterically. Oh right, Jimm! Do you know how expensive La Jolla is? Well somehow everything has just fallen into place and she is indeed living in La Jolla. She is a fascinating human being and I'm so happy to have her in my life. It will be interesting to see what happens to us in the coming months and years as she continues to dream and watch them come true.

I took a load of Jimm's stuff down to her in the 4 Runner. We played tourist for 3 days and I had the pleasure of witnessing Jimm's discovery of the wonderful place she has found herself in. It is so refreshing to see someone with so much energy and pure gusto for life. She jumped and danced her enthusiasm around Cabrillo Point and up to Mt.Soledad. She led Annie and I through Balboa Park and the Museum of Man and on to a Bread and Cie lunch on the grass and to Little Italy to shop and snack on conolli. The next day we cruised through USD to see her new campus and on to lunch at Pacific Beach. But she was totally in her element in La Jolla tidepooling and doing her best to "sneak" up on the seals. I so wish I had video of it all. The hopping about, the childlike smiles, the looking back to be sure we were watching. She is just so content with her spirit and the corporal body that holds it. Her feelings are pure and openly displayed for all the world to enjoy. She holds back nothing and you can't help but laugh right along with her.

Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 09:05 pm
Wilderness
I have just returned from my first backpacking class and I feel an excitement in my gut that I haven't felt in a long long time. This is a part of my personality that I tend to submerge because there aren't very many people who understand it. Yes, I enjoy staying in motels and I am currently dreaming of the Italian versions. But there is nothing that brings me more peace or unity than being in the woods or the mountains or even the desert. And the thought of being completely out of civilization is so invigorating. So, there I was tonight, totally surrounded with like minded people. It was just this wonderful feeling of being accepted. I really didn't know what my reaction was going to be. There was a good chance that I would leave the first class feeling like I wasn't ready or couldn't handle it. I did have that second when I looked at that huge backpack and tried to imagine it on my back. But as all the stuff came out of it, I thought, "yeah, I can totally see myself doing this." I didn't realize how much I had been missing Cindy and the adventure role she played in my life. And here are all these wonderful people ready to take up that slack. I will be backpacking in Castle Rock within 3 weeks, Henry Coe a couple weeks after that and perhaps somewhere in the Sierras by the first of June. Then I will probably be joining the Sierra Club backpackers. Wow! I definitely have to get back to walking and riding my bike.

Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 07:25 am
Today's children
I have been pondering an unanswerable question. Where does life's party atmosphere expectation come from in today's children. Another teacher and I were having this discussion on Friday. Our students and more importantly their parents think that every holiday should bring another school party. Traditionally I have organized Halloween, Christmas and Valentine's Day celebrations in my classroom and that has always been a nice blend of incorporating revelry into the classroom community without taking over celebrations that should be family or faith based. I've never quite understood the Thanksgiving dinner at school approach to parties. They celebrate at school and then turn around the next day and do the same thing at home. This year I begrudgingly yielded to a green food thing on St. Patrick's day because "everyone else was doing it" but refused to even discuss an egg hunt/party thing for Easter. The funniest part of this entire issue is that for the other parties I would put up sign up sheets, send reminders home in the weekly newsletter and beg parents to bring just one thing for the party. Often I would end up buying things myself. Well, when you're not planning a party, stuff seems to come from every direction. A parent brought me "Easter" cups and napkins a month ago. 3 different parents sent in plastic eggs stuffed with candy and goodie bags and another parent sent in cupcakes. Now if I had asked for these things...? Luckily my class had brought up the party question early last week. No, no egg hunt. No, no party. I can't put all the blame on the kids. They are clearly set up for this expectation in Kindergarten and first grade. But I suppose it's just the look of shock and non-belief on their faces that astounds us as teachers when we say "No." Who told them that one of the educational facets of school is to celebrate every holiday - Christian or not - with parties that include cupcakes, capri suns, (despite the teacher's request for "healthy" food) and goodie bags. And we wonder why the district is implementing junk food guidelines. How did it become the school's jurisdiction to celebrate holidays? Today's kids expect so much from life and in the process are missing the simple pleasures that they can create themselves. Room 9's "Easter" celebration consisted of dyeing eggs and making a card for our families. We call that art and the last time I checked it was indeed an academic area complete with state standards. I don't think parties has made it to the report card yet.


Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 08:30 pm
Spring
Spring is finally here. I know that because when I went out to get the paper this morning there was no tell tale blue plastic protective coating to keep it dry from the silicon valley monsoons. Hooray. This has been a rather strange spring even beyond the unheard of wet weather. I'm afraid it will be over before I've been able to enjoy the transition from winter to summer. My body must have something against the whole spring/rebirth/easter thing. Last year, Easter was the day I slipped off the deck and missed dinner and this year I spent it on the coach watching Walk Out, reading about Italy and mostly sleeping. I've been sleeping for the better part of 3 days now and I'm finally starting to feel myself again. One thing that I have realized is I have been sick for a while without acknowledging it. Teachers on vacation often end up in bed. The body says Hallelujah. We finally have time to be sick! I have been on overdrive for a couple weeks putting the finishing touches on the Italy trip and trying my hardest to "design" a bathroom. I'm no good at this interior decorating thing. One tile quickly begins to look like another. Tuscan yellow paint? What exactly is that? I don't really care about bathtubs when I only take showers. All I knew was I wanted white wainscoating and a pedestal sink. Well yesterday I went to a design center and Voila! all my troubles were over. I'll take that sink, that bathtub, and that toilet, those sconces and the towel bars over there. Yes, it is a little extra expense but it's all in one place and they deliver the bathtub to my door and install the shower doors. That's worth quite a bit in my world. So I think my bathroom fretting is almost over. Just one more place to look at paint before I finally decide and put all that behind me.

Apr. 14th, 2006 @ 03:26 pm
The new kid
There's a new boy in room 9. He hasn't really changed our community chemistry but I think his own litmus paper may be changing from blue to red very soon. The first day he talked and bounced most of the day. Mondays are our rotation day so I chalked it up to the newness of it all and let a lot of it go by. There was however the thought that this is his first day, he's putting his best foot forward, this is the best it's ever going to be. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all down hill. By 3:00 Thursday afternoon I was calling in for reinforcements. I have to say that I have never before been at the parent conference stage in 4 days time! This was after talking with the other 2nd grade teachers, meeting with the principal, the principal calling his previous principal for more information, observing him in PE, and having the principal observe him in the classroom. His cum file arrived Thursday morning and it was clear there was no time to waste. I have never seen a report card with all N's in the effort department of every single subject. And the academic grades of course went right along with the effort put forth. His AAP was marked with Risk of Retention. Thursday at lunch I called the mom to schedule a conference. After I talked for a couple minutes her first question was "What seems to be the problem?" As I explained the situation she begrudgingly agreed that he had had the same problem at his last school. Mom has a reputation for becoming confused by teachers and school secretaries so I called the grandmother too. Unfortunately she couldn't come to the meeting but it is clear that Grandma is the big guns in the family. Her last comment to me was "If you need anything at all, you call me and I will take care of it." So Mom came to the meeting - always a good start. I started off slow with an explanation of homework expectations. I was concernd when she asked me to re-explain the writing homework. But I was pleased that she asked for clarification rather than just nodding her head. Then I moved on to the question of the day. Do you want to work really hard with your child for the next 4 months and move him onto 3rd grade or would you like to relax and just do 2nd grade over again next year? She went for the hard work option so I laid it all on the line. Attitude. Gaps in learning from Kindergarten and 1st grade in Ravenswood. Attitude. Regrouping in subtraction. Attitude. Reading below grade level. Attitude. Math facts. Attitude. We created a list of goals and I sent them on their merry way loaded down with books to read and math work in both 2 digit and 3 digit regrouping and fractions. Oh yeah, and by the way, have a nice spring break. I know there will be many more of these meetings in the coming weeks. I just hope that we can get this little boy on track and ready to learn.

Apr. 14th, 2006 @ 11:02 am
Student Homework
The writing homework assignment this week was to write about your feelings on homework. Tell what you like or don't like about it. If you could change it, how would you make it better? Here is my favorite:

Homework or playing baseball, that is the question. When I get home from school I want to play baseball with my friends or with my dad and brother, XXXXXXX. We play baseball for almost one hour. Then my mom calls me into the house to start my homework. I would rather hit a baseball than do math. I would rather catch a ball than learn new spelling words. My dad tells me if I study hard and get good grades, I can play lots of baseball in high school or college. I better learn to like homework.

Apr. 10th, 2006 @ 09:27 pm
The highs and lows of a Monday
We started off our day with the informational writing celebration. We only had 11 parents but the kids were extremely proud to show off a couple months of very hard work; research, taking notes, drafting and revising. Yes, you can do all that with 7 year olds. It's all about believing in the possible. The day was filled with laughter as I attempted to teach 3 classes of PE in intermittent rain. That involved some room re-arrangement. About the time I got it right, the sun came out. And then there was the new student. Although it can't be easy to walk into a new room on day 138 he handled it marvelously. He seemed quite amazed at the reading and writing that was going on around him. He is a cute little boy and it's a good thing. He's going to need that cuteness to keep his new teacher smiling when all the newness wears off. He's got the social thing down and is extremely proficient at bouncing in his chair. He struggled a bit in PE with those super sized pants of his. It was clear that he's never had a PE class before. But he kept us all entertained. As I bid them all farewell a parent came in and asked for a minute and a shoulder to cry on. I'm not really good with the crying thing. So I let her sob through the pain of finally facing the reality of a learning disabled child. This is not ever easy but totally necessary. We can't move forward in education until we know the starting point. I talked her through some summer alternatives and helped her face tomorrow, the day after that and 3rd grade options. It is heart breaking for parents of LD kids to deal with the broken dreams of all they thought their child would be. There has to be a grieving period. The weird part is that the next 10 years in school will be the worst part of his life. The real world is way easier than school. And here I am; the educational professional telling the mom, if you can just get him through school, he's going to be a great adult. Ironic? Sad. And so now as I look toward tomorrow I keep a smile and a soft heart for my boys who may need just a little extra time, attention, and love to make it through the day.

Apr. 10th, 2006 @ 07:06 pm
Clearing the fog
Amidst all the meetings and mind searching that was going on last week in my professional life I was also searching for "the perfect tile." I am remodeling my bathroom while I travel abroad to Italy so I need to pick out all the tile, fixtures, etc before I leave. I had this little Italian color scheme in my head from a carafe that Maria and Bill brought me from Cortona for my birthday. It seemed simple enough. But once the real tile shopping began it was clear that was an Italian color scheme not the dull browns and grays of America. Someday I should sit down and figure out how many tile stores I have been in but suffice it to say it was a lot. I have seen all my friends' bathrooms in a new light. I actually did find the picture in my mind and I have gone back to see it 3 more times trying to justify it financially. But $38 a square foot just can't be justified. The end result is that I have found a second runner up. Carrying the sample around the tile store today I even sold it to another customer. They should pay me commission. So it looks like I'm going with a nice Tuscan yellow wall, a yellow-terracotta floor and a green sculptured shower tile. It is coming together but I am reminded of how poorly I can imagine swatches of things made big in the world. This used to drive my mother crazy when she was teaching me to sew and would hold up a dress pattern next to a bolt of fabric and say "How about this one?" I must be one of those things that either people have or they don't.

Apr. 6th, 2006 @ 05:56 pm
Best laid plans
I think everything has finally become clear to both K and I about what would be in everyone's best interest at Sutter, not only for the coming year but for the next several years. She and I met yesterday and we talked about the special ed placement. It was clear to me that if I wanted it, it could be mine. I expected to feel better about everything last night but NO! It just didn't feel right and it has nothing to do with special ed/vs. regular ed. I am pretty certain that I will be heading off to Europe for the teacher exchange in 2007-08. And somehow it didn't sit right to have someone from another country coming into handle special ed. The legalities seem a little confounded when we are dealing with IEP's and so such legal documentation. Do other countries even have special education? It would mean that I would take over the RSP room for a year and then head off to Europe. So-o-o-o I met with K again today and gave her the missing piece to the puzzle. She has been constantly astounded by the things coming out of my mouth this week. This goes back to that earlier post about not letting people "know" me. We talked and both agreed that this probably isn't the best time for me to make the switch. So now, I finally feel a little more at peace. It will be good for me to get my feet wet in the upper grades with 3rd grade. AND I get to work with C - one of my dreams since I first met her. It was nice to allow myself to listen to my feelings on this one. Even though it all seemed pretty clear on paper there are other things that have to take precedence when making these big decisions. I was also reminded that I tend to rush into my long term goals. Even though I want to end my career in middle school, there's no reason that I have to take that step now. Stay in the moment. Live it. Breathe it.

Apr. 4th, 2006 @ 07:04 pm
Options to weigh
The rumors are running rampant at school. I confronted K yesterday about the 3rd grade situation. Then today I heard the RSP teacher is definitely headed for middle school. K and I are meeting tomorrow after school and by then I better have a somewhat logical preference in mind. So it's time for the pros and cons and maybe a little input from you guys.

+
Small group instruction
Less stress from state and federal standards
The joy of academic testing - I love figuring out the "puzzles"
Excellent staff of aids, psychologist and speech therapist
I get to basically run my own show
The scope of curriculum is limited to math, reading and writing
Exposure to the upper grades to see if I really do want to move on to middle school
No report cards
IEPs are on the internet
No extra correcting to do at night

-
Lots of parent meetings with IEPs and SSTs
Paperwork
Puts an end to writing workshop as I currently know it
Could limit my chances of a Fullbright Teacher Exchange
Have to move my classroom (again)
Slow rate of student progress could be depressing

Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 07:22 pm
The beginning of the end
Although the weather doesn't show it, we are on a quick decline of the school year. I gave my STAR Test introductory speech today. Believe it or not I had 7 kids who had never heard the words before. I was relieved that I could give the initial explanation without the accompanying fear attached. "That's right, kids. The president wants to know how smart these California kids really are and this is the only way we can show him." HA! But then I had to tell them that the test questions will try to trick you - This was followed by an audible gasp - and that you won't even know the answer to some of them - more gasping. My poor babies. Tomorrow is our field trip to Discovery Museum and Wednesday we will start our test preparation. Yikes!

Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 04:17 pm
My Bloginality is ISFJ!!!


Apr. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:18 pm
Sanborn
Test question: Compare and contrast the hiking trails of Pinnacles National Park with those of Sanborn Skyline County Park. Now here is an essay I could write. Actually I think I could write a whole essay on mud. Yes, that's right mud. Last week I just noted it as life giving. This week it had almost all 5 senses involved. Sanborn is indeed extremely wet right now. A better word would be squishy. It was the mud that was my first challenge on my hike today. I doubted for a few moments as to whether or not there would even be a hike. Obviously the regulars to Sanborn must know about this. I saw a grand total of 5 people there today and one of them was a ranger. Stepping in mud is fascinating. You never know what you've got until you take the step. Kind of like life, I guess. It can be just the mud where you leave a footprint behind. It can be the mud where you step and water squishes out around your boot like a saturated sponge. It can be the mud that gently holds your foot for the split second and then releases with a slight sucking sound. It can be the mud that gives way under your foot. Or it can be the mud that takes your entire boot and you immediately pull it out with childhood images of quicksand movies. Sanborn today had all of that and more. The bottom of the trails were soaked, puddles and bogs everywhere but as I worked my way up the inclines I was on terra firma once again. I was overwhelmed with shades of green today. I'm learning to appreciate the cool colors in nature. And there was water flowing from all directions. I've never noticed before how water falling over rocks can sound exactly like rain. There were several times I had to look up to see exactly where the sound was coming from. I took the San Andreas trail but never really saw the fault line. Or maybe that's where all the water was flowing.

I have noticed that while I will push myself to complete a trail I have no problems turing around and heading back down the hill. I don't have dreams of conquering rocks or hills or mountains. All my dreams include air. Hot air balloons, parachuting, parasailing. Maybe that explains my view of life - change is good - and my eternal restlessness. I'm just floating along taking in the beauty of it all. I can't afford to get stuck in the mud when there are redwood trees waiting up above.

Apr. 2nd, 2006 @ 09:02 am
Talk
Of all the mammals living on this planet we have been given an infinitesimal range of communication ability. We can use our bodies to say an incredible amount of things - we move our hands and arms, our eyes and facial muscles to say everything from I love you to I'm confused to How could you hurt me like this? We make faces that can communicate both emotion and content. And then on top of all this, there is the gift of language. We have words beyond belief. We make up new words and they quickly become a part of our cultural lexicon. We change nouns into verbs. Abbreviations even become words. We have volume, pitch, rate and tone to say not only what we believe but how deeply. And yet so much seems to go unsaid. Our I love you's are saved for the end of phone calls, e-mails and good-bye hugs almost like an after thought or a warranty that will cancel out anything that might have been said in the conversation that could have caused doubt about our feelings. People are born into and die from our lives and our feelings are left unspoken. We don't take the time to say what we think and feel about them or how important they are to us and why. Our "letters of recommendation" about them to the world only exist in our hearts and minds. In a moment they are gone and we are left mute. Americans live in turbo drive. We have conversations that simply move from topic to topic. We abhor silence. But it is in the silence that we come to know what we think. It is only after the silence that we can respond and deepen our relationship by sharing in words. Moments pass and thoughts are left unspoken. Thoughts that could have revealed more of the real you to your mother, your child, your friend. Words make us known to others. They raise the curtain and show to the world our vulnerabilities, the raw emotion, the dreams that may or may not become real. We are afraid to share these words for fear of being misunderstood. We would rather our loved ones held a misconception of who we are than know and possibly reject the reality of me. I, like everyone else is becoming. Many people are confused by the real me. But there is no real me. There is only the me in this moment. I can share that with you but I can't be defined by it because another event will occur and I will be changed by it. A sunrise, a condor flying overhead, a birthday dinner, encountering a student at the grocery store... Communication must occur often and go deeply in order for people to know one another. The unsaid must be said for in a moment the thought and feeling behind it is gone, never to be shared. Let's talk to each other; really talk.

Mar. 31st, 2006 @ 07:23 pm
Rumor Season
Current Mood: amused
It's that time of year again. The sun may not be shining yet but the springtime rumors about next year have begun. I love all the guessing and predicting that goes on - especially when it's about me. That's right. The first rumor of the season involves me making a switch to 3rd grade. Now actually, that would be fine with me but it is certainly not a conversation I have had with the principal. And so it begins...

Mar. 30th, 2006 @ 09:39 pm
Europe
You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.
What European City Do You Belong In?

Mar. 29th, 2006 @ 07:25 pm
Hazardous parking lot
It seems someone backed into my truck in the school parking lot today. I wouldn't have even known about it except another teacher was going out to her car at lunch and saw the whole thing. A parent backed out and boom! went right into the back of my 4 Runner. It didn't even scratch my truck but evidently when a tow bar and a Honda Civic meet the results are not pretty. The parent didn't leave a note on the windshield or anything. But somewhere there is a digital picture of the whole thing because another parent whipped out her camera and took a picture of the whole thing.


Mar. 29th, 2006 @ 07:33 am
Saying good-by
Our prayer group had one of our famous potlucks last night but this one was bittersweet and is definitely leaving me with an emotional hangover. Joan has been fighting breast cancer for 19 years and the doctor has finally given her the prognosis of "untreatable." I find it difficult to believe as there is no place in my brain for the words Joan and dieing to reside side by side. She shared her feelings of leaving her loved ones behind. It was absolutely heart wrenching. The saddest thing is watching this woman who has fought with every ounce of her being for so many years call for a truce with the disease. It is so strange to see her without the dream of recovery in her eyes and heart. She has defied the odds so many times. She is truly a miracle and we are so blessed to have had her in our midst for so long. I pray that she can enjoy every minute she has left with those beautiful grandchildren and can create the lasting memories that will keep her alive forever in their hearts. This is her only hesitation in leaving this life behind. She has lived an amazing life, determined and with purpose. She has mentored us all in teaching and fighting and dreaming. Her favorite poem says it all.


Hope is the Thing With Feathers

by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Mar. 27th, 2006 @ 07:31 am
Thought for the day
Because we all share this planet earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature. That is not just a dream, but a necessity. We are dependent on each other in so many ways that we can no longer live in isolated communities and ignore what is happening outside those communities.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Mar. 26th, 2006 @ 08:08 pm
Retreating
I have been on a "homemade" retreat this weekend and it has been wonderful. I didn't know that I would have the will power to focus on just me. I did some reading and journaling Friday night and crystallized 2 nagging questions and I am happy to say that one of them got answered. The other one is still hanging out there. Then I read and journaled some more on Saturday. I came to terms with a couple relationships in my life - one that is on sabbatical and the other I have just been trying to figure out for a long time. It felt good to take responsibility for what is the real issue and let go of the extra emotion ensnarled in it all. Saturday night I created Christine's 40th birthday collage. She just walked in and asked me to maker her one for her birthday. And I had no idea what I could have come up with for her 40th. It is laid out and just needs some glue and a frame. I'm very happy with this one. Today I retreated to the Pinnacles in search of wild flowers and whatever else Mother Nature might bring my way. Unfortunately the wild flowers are just beginning. I forgot about that freak snowstorm we had a couple weeks ago. I went through the caves and up to the reservoir and for the first time took a "strenuous" hike. The High Peaks trail is titled appropriately. It does indeed hit some very high peaks. I am really proud of myself for attempting it. Sometimes fear can keep me from enjoying life to the fullest. Henry Thoreau writes about a determined life and living with purpose. That is my goal. In those moments when I look up at yet another steep incline I just told myself that I could always turn around and go back if it got to be too much. I've never felt/heard my pulse so loudly in my ears before. It was like a big bass drum in there! I guess that must be your body's way of saying, "Slow down, Stupid." I stopped for several breathers along the way. There were so many beautiful vistas I didn't mind stopping to rest. And the condors were magnificent. So here are my thoughts/reflections on my day in the mountains.

Mud is cool. It is the source of life.

Rocks are not inanimate objects like Kindergartners are taught. They grow all kinds of cool lichens and mosses and even trees.

Hiking boots give you a special force field that makes you believe you can go anywhere.

Wild flowers are beautiful. I think I need some in my yard.

I love the variety of hiking attire you see in the park. My favorites today were the girls wearing mules and twin sets and the guys with their khakis, button down shits and Reeboks.

As I passed by a mom trying to figure out the symbol for rock climbing trails and share it with her 2 boys I had to smile. She was holding and eating from a huge bag of chips. What's the message here?

Then there was the guy that was about a third of the way up the trail and stopped me to ask me if it was worth it and did I see anything. Is it worth it? Do you know where you are, buddy?

On the lighter side, I have always wondered what those weird rock projection looked like at eye level and today I got to see them. The only thing that came into my head was extremely phallic and not in a good way. There is just so many of them and they are so big! And of course once I had the thought I couldn't get it out of my head. But it was good to have something to smile about during the alone times.

That yellow-green glow in the dark color is not made up. It came from lichens.

When climbing up you must focus on the goal and keep your eyes on where you want to be. When going down you need to watch each step. So when the going is hard stay focused on the end. But when the going is easy take each step with care so you do not lose sight of your purpose. It is too easy to let it all go and end up crashing down the hill.

And finally... Condors are magnificent.


March 24, 2006
Observation Reflection
The Noyce observation went very well. When I got up yesterday it just became very clear to me that this was all about showing off my kids. I went into the entire event with that in mind. Look at these kids. They are researchers. They are fabulous writers. Look at what 7 and 8 years old can do when nurtured by real writing and high expectations. That is not to say that the observation wasn't totally exhausting. It was. The mini lesson ran a couple minutes long and the kids got right to work on their writing. Then it became deathly silent. This means that the visitors could hear every word shared during our conferences. I just didn't expect that. Eventually the air around me relaxed and I stopped feeling like there was a boulder on my chest. We followed up with the closing and wished them all adieu. But not without another surprise. The observers wanted to see the folders. So off they went with my kids' writing folders in hand. The kids felt a little weird about that. It was kind of cute to see the ownership they have of their writing and who should be allowed to look at it. After lunch we received candy from the principal, a plant for the teacher, a thank you letter and a list of feedback. All in all it was a positive experience and has strengthened the bonds in Room 9.

Mar. 21st, 2006 @ 07:28 pm
Relaxing
I can finally feel my being starting to relax at school again. The kids are doing an awesome job on our research writing unit. There's a part of me that is actually looking forward to the Thursday observers so others can see the great things that are happening in Room 9. I have been nailing kids left and right on working up to their personal best. I know what they can do and so do they. And I'm just not accepting anything less than that. The class clown is kind of in shock. He hasn't seen his recess buddies in a while and he was late for his "playdate" after school today while he wrote a little piece for me on his responsibilities in Room 9. It will be a lovely addition to his writing portfolio. Everything feels just right for now. I don't say "for now" because of any negativity. I just know what's coming. Next week begins the weekly and sometimes twice a week field trips, assemblies, or special events that will go on until the end of the year. And somewhere in there I have to get my little darlings ready for their first standardized testing experience. Poor babies!

Mar. 21st, 2006 @ 05:44 pm
Quote of the day
I put myself out there and chatted with the special ed teacher today about the pros and cons of her job. Her words: "My job is way easier than yours!" Small groups, not as much standards pressure from the state or federals, the joy of individual testing (yes I really do like that part), everybody pretty much leaves you alone, IEP's are now on-line, 3 excellent aides. It is still just something to think about for now but I'm definitely thinking!

Mar. 20th, 2006 @ 06:13 pm
Psyche comeback
I am feeling a little better about life as it is here on Fremont Street. The weekend sunshine allowed me to get out to the backyard to pull some weeds and plan a bit for summer. I don't really think there will be much planting this year as I am Italy bound the day after school is out. But it's always fun to dream about plant colors, height and scope. The roses I moved to the back all seem to be prospering. I'm franking stunned. The ones from the east side had barely any root system when I dug them out but I planted them anyway, figuring what the heck. I can't wait to see them all in bloom. I also completed and mailed my taxes. I had to get that refund in the bank to pay for my travels. Christine was in town this weekend. We had lunch at Sara's and then just hung around here chatting for a bit. It was good to see her again.

Things at school feel a bit better. I had a parent from another classroom who came in to compliment me on my healthy food party stance. I know that means that my kids' parents were not happy with me about the healthy green food St. Patrick's Day thing Hey, they've got to talk about something. It might as well be me. And better that they are talking about my food beliefs than some other topics that could come to mind.

The thoughts about my job future are still frightening me. I continue to ponder leaving teaching or finding another teaching avenue beyond the primary classroom. The tutoring thing is very tempting and that has led me to actually consider the possibility of returning to special ed. I know that I said I would never do that again because of all the paper work involved. But there it is dancing across my brain day after day. I love the one and one and small group situations where you can really teach the individual child and figure out the roadblocks to learning. But I detest all the SST's, IEP's and progress reports. Not even to mention the parent meetings that involve words like intelligence, ability, achievement, learning disability. I'm certainly not going to make any decisions immediately. I haven't lost sight of how good I have it at Sutter. I'll keep it all swirling around as the year comes to an end. The initial decision to be made this summer is whether I'm going to apply for the Fullbright Teacher Exchange program and spend 2007/08 in Europe. Dream, dream dream.

Mar. 17th, 2006 @ 07:32 pm
The week that was
The week has finally ended. Report cards have been sent home, summer school applications have been turned in the parent teacher conferences are history. Each and every one of them held a surprise for me - some good and some just surprising.

Student #1 - conference was requested by the parents so I came in a little blindsided. Mostly the parents wanted to be reassured that their child was doing OK. It turns out this one has a completely different personality at home than in school - at home he cries over homework, totally unfocused/at school he is competitive with the top of the class, always looking the part of the perfect student

Student #2 - parents are polar opposites from the beginning of the year. They are trying hard to do the right thing for their child without enabling her. I respect that immensely. 2nd teacher at the conference kind of watered down some of my comments. Whatever. The parents will choose the route to take no matter what. Summer school papers signed.

Student #3 - the most enlightening conference I have ever had. Turns out the kid has been playing us all like an orchestra. She's cute, sounds helpless and can definitely tell a good tale. Ooh life is going to be ugly for this little one. Summer school papers signed. Came down on her the next day and the day after that and the day after that. I think she's getting the idea.

Student #4 - Another parent request but I knew where this one was coming from as we have chatted off and on all year. We talked about the same old topics: spelling, writing, emotional breakdowns/family counseling. Parent requested summer school. Don't know if we can accommodate that but I'll give it a shot.

Student #5 - This is the one I was dreading. I knew "Dad" was prepping for another showdown. I got myself psyched up, recruited the RSP teacher and psychologist just in case. A miracle! It was a 15 minute conference where we covered the report card, summer school, placement for next year and I even got in my dig for the power of positive reinforcement. Yahoo!

Student #6 - Another parent that I thought would have an agenda coming in. Nope. Covered the summer school thing. She had a question about student use of the pencil sharpener. Handled that with ease.

Student #7 - Pulled out all my stops of child psychology by including the student and trying as hard as I could to get her to open up. Gave parents my opinion about the situation and some possible solutions. Dad liked one and Mom liked the other one. Pushed hard for family counseling. Results TBA.

Mar. 17th, 2006 @ 07:30 pm
Upcoming observation
Anyone who knows me or my teaching knows I hate being observed. I can deal with some observers better than others but none the less I hate thinking about what others are thinking about while they're watching me. In my early years I always thought the observers were going to find me out and announce to the world that I was fraud and that I had no idea what I was doing. In 16 years I haven't really moved much past that. I know I'm a good teacher but I am also a bit of a perfectionist so nothing is ever good enough when someone else is watching. Well I am about to be observed by the Noyce group. These are a group of principals, literacy coaches and smart people who observe at each of the Noyce schools and I suppose evaluate the progress of writing workshop implementation. Well I succumbed to the request and I guess it will work out just fine. It actually does fit in pretty well to my research genre schedule. What is sitting in the pit of my stomach is the fact that they are evaluating only one classroom at Sutter. Room 9 writers (and their teacher) are representing the entire school! Yikes!

Mar. 13th, 2006 @ 07:34 pm
Report cards are done
I can finally breathe a huge sigh of relief. The report cards are printed and ready for conferences tomorrow. After several years of using these standards based report cards I have come down to a final observation. The only thing they accomplish is familiarizing parents with the standards. Parents actually receive LESS information about their child's progress than the previous happy go lucky letter grades. What were they? E for Excellent, S for Satisfactory, I for Needs Improvement and U for Unsatisfactory or something like that. Now we do an incredible about of assessing and correcting before we can even think about a report card. Each one takes hours to complete and the result is less than informative. Then we spend several more hours writing comments so the parents can figure out what the strengths and needs of their child is. The only good part of this report card is that it has "forced" teachers to teach the standards. I guess that's something.

In other school news, I am really looking forward to my reading workshop tomorrow. Our literacy coach came in and observed a couple lessons last week and is going to teach my guided reading group tomorrow. She's planning a different approach to the lesson format. I am anxious to find something that's going to help my little darlings get closer to hitting the end of year benchmarks. I hope she has some magic reading dust up her sleeve. I can't wait to sit back and watch. Actually one of the things I like best about teaching is the observation part. I would be a great research assistant for someone!

Mar. 11th, 2006 @ 07:50 am
Rested
I woke up feeling so rested this morning and can attribute it only to real sleep. Yeah, it was another exciting Friday night for the teacher. I went to the school talent show, came home and checked out TV, went to bed to read and was asleep by 9:30. But it was a good sleep that lasted until 6:30 this morning. That never happens to this girl! I woke remembering it was the weekend and BOY that felt good. Then I realized this is the first full weekend I have been home since February 11. Hmm... all that exhaustion and frustration makes sense now.

Mar. 10th, 2006 @ 07:35 pm
Melted heart
The frustrations of the past few days are beginning to melt away. The heat source? Sutter's Showcase (other schools call them talent shows). How can you not smile at those cute little kids having the nerve to get up on stage and sing, dance, do magic tricks or tell jokes? Cute, cute, cute. The ones that always put me away our the blind kids. There is some weird brain connection in the visually impaired and making music. It is just amazing to watch them - so secure, so talented. It was also good to see my "old" students and their parents.

My report cards seem to be running on schedule. I finished the "numbers" last night and got half of the comments done today after school. So tomorrow I can go off to see Ralph Fletcher and wallow in his great love of writing and children with just a few nagging things in the back of my brain.

Mar. 9th, 2006 @ 07:37 pm
Better
I am feeling minutely better today. That's not much but it's enough for about about half a smile. It has occurred to me that perhaps the cemented frustration I am feeling may just be exhaustion. Yes, I know I had practically 2 weeks off! But I have spent most of my 3 days back catching up on paper work and going to meetings. Last night I did a few report cards and hope to finish the rest tonight. Saturday I have an all day professional development meeting. So I guess I can spend Sunday and Monday after school doing the comments. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we have conferences after school. And none of those are fun. They are conferences for the students that are falling through the cracks and need support during the summer in order to be ready for the next grade. I had scheduled 4: 1 is special ed, 1 is vision impaired and then my 2 borderline kids. Then I had 2 more parents request a conference just so they could talk about their kid. Oh please!

Mar. 8th, 2006 @ 07:39 pm
Back in school
I am back to work after my trip to Mexico, a day and a half in the classroom and then 3 more days off for my grandfather's birthday. I worried about my kids while I was gone and I am happy to see them again but that is where my work emotions end. I've had it with the politics, the testing, the editorials, the money, the you name it of education. I can't imagine in my wildest dreams doing this for 14 more years. I know that I often feel this way about work but usually it's more of a roller coaster ride. I get ticked off, then something amazing happens in my room and all my frustrations melt away. There are still all kinds of amazing and cute things happening here in room 9 but the frustrations remain in tact. I dream of other jobs - tour guide, tutor, park ranger. But the unspoken questions remains in the air. What will you do to pay those bills? What about your retirement? I trust in the universe and may be willing to test it out this time.

Mar. 8th, 2006 @ 04:19 pm
Home
I am home. It's me and the dog and the cat. It is definitely sinking in that once again, I live alone. That is not a bad thing. It just takes time to adjust to the silence. Jimm is gone. I don't really know if it's for good or not. She calls or e-mails everyday. She misses me. She misses Jack and possibly even the cat. She needs someone to talk to who understands Ann, her new neighbor. I miss her. I miss the charged energy that was always in the air. We understood each other pretty well for only having been together for a few short months. We are very different personalities but we were able to allow one another to have and be whatever the other one needed. I'm not sure that I've ever felt that before.

And now that I'm home I can reflect on my latest trip. Florida. It was good to be with family. Dad is good. Healthy. Happy. He is working around the house again and proud of the changes being made. Mom is more balanced than I have ever seen her. She has lost 35 pounds and is looking good. She is off a bunch of her meds and now realizes how "sick" she was. She is enjoying cooking, reading and needlepoint. She is even looking into having something done about her ankle. That is interesting because she is also using a cane - but only for the last half of the day. I hope that something can be done to ease her pain. Patty is Patty. Still talking non-stop but she is losing some of the divorce/remarriage animosity. She is working through the stuff with Jenna slowly but surely. Paul and Arma Jo are fine. I love being around them and just enjoying the hugs that keep coming day after day. Grandpa. Grandpa is amazing. He was getting over a horrible bout with the flu so I am chalking up any back of the brain doubts I have to that. He is alert, smart as ever, and somehow aware that he is fading. Yes, he still talks about making it to 100 but he is also finding his own little ways to say good-bye, just in case. He make a point to tell me how important I am to him, how special I am and how thankful he is to have me in my life. Ditto, Grandpa. There seemed to be a lot more touching going on. Hugging. Holding hands. Sitting hip to hip. It reminded me of our relationship when I was little. We were always sharing a secret joke that ended in a loving hug. I became deeply aware that I will be inconsolable when he dies. He loved my annual gift of words. He cried, I cried, everyone cried. It was nice to be acknowledged for my gift in person this year. And it's the first time I can ever remember being encouraged by my mom to pursue something that I was "good" at it. Dad, on the other hand, tells me every year how grateful he is that I am able to put into words everyone's feelings about Grandpa. It has become as much a gift to my parents as my grandparent. I am truly blessed to have my grandfather in my life and never want to forget the blessings he has brought to me. Just a look, a nod, a smile and I am flooded with the love he sends forth. Everyone knows our relationship is different from the other grandchildren. It always has been. There is no jealousy or competition. Just respect for what we have always known. I am Grandpa's little girl. Perhaps that will be my theme for next year's letter.

Feb. 27th, 2006 @ 01:32 pm
Colonoscopy
My first colonoscopy is in the books. There are a couple good things about this whole process.
1)after the preparation your stomach is totally flat. I mean "high school" flat.
2)after it's over you can eat anything you want
3)you get a day off work and don't really feel bad
Everything went fine. For the first time in my life I thought to myself, "Wow, I am receiving real medical care." Allens are rarely sick so hospitals are an unknown to me. They're for having babies and stuff like that. But this was the real thing - an iv, beeping monitors, doctors, and consent forms. It occurred to me during all the questions that perhaps I should have taken it more seriously and had a next of kin present :) I woke up just in time to watch the polyp being removed on the monitor. Kind of gross but it's gone now. They will biopsy it and let me know the results. So that's it. I spend the rest of the day resting until the sedative is out of my system and then it's back to work tomorrow. But I am thinking about a piece of cheesecake for dinner.

Feb. 26th, 2006 @ 10:04 am
Grandpa is my family tree
The Allen Family Tree

Genealogy has become quite popular with the help of the internet. People launch into an investigation of their roots to discover where they came from. Through the study of genealogy they find birth, marriage and death certificates that somehow document for them who they are today. My investigation rests in one and only one person, my grandfather. He is my family tree in the truest sense of the word.

Grandpa’s roots have grown down deep in the Iowa black soil. He is a tree that has learned to endure the cold winter ice storms as well as the early summer tornadoes and finds beauty in them both. He knows how to bend without breaking in the gusting wind or stand tall when the need arises. His branches extend endlessly over the gentle slopes that he will forever call home.

Grandpa is my tree. He has supported me during times when he didn’t even know that I needed his shade. He has always been there. His loving arms are eternally outstretched to welcome me home, to be a shelter in a time of storm or a shield from the world’s scorching heat.

Grandpa is the tree whose spring blossoms bring a smile to your lips and helps you remember all the beauty that surrounds us. His sense of humor can make you laugh when you didn’t even realize you needed to. Just a smile from him is enough to help you remember that life is good.

Grandpa is a tree that has remained constant. When the world changes seemingly minute by minute with every whim or fancy that passes by, he remains true. He is an endless fountain of common sense, of integrity, of honesty. His roots hold him firm against the winds of materialism, jealousy, and deceit that easily lead others astray. His head is not turned by anything that is not real or true.

The tree that is my grandpa lives his life with the rhythm of the seasons and knows there is splendor in each of them. The beauty of spring blossoms that grow into delicious summer fruit becomes nature’s awesome painting of fall crimsons and golds that quickly become the stark white of winter; only to repeat again and again - spring, summer, fall, winter. He knows that even in the dark of winter that the sun will shine again. Even in the saddest times, he understands that we will laugh and dance once again.

And I am the young sapling that is always trying to learn what it is to be a real tree. I watch. I listen. I learn. But I’m not a quick learner. So I keep returning to the tree. I watch and listen again, hoping that this time the lesson will stick. So today I find myself at the feet of my family tree. Still watching, listening and learning.

Genealogy? No thanks. I have all I need right here. Perhaps one day my curiosity will spread to all the other Allens, Prices, Weatherills and Larsons that have gone before me. But for now I still have a lot to learn from my grandpa.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa.


Feb. 26th, 2006 @ 09:57 am
See you later, Jimm
I was shocked to return home to Jimm's exit to San Diego. It is not good-by, I know. But the house is reeling in silence. We were put together for many important reasons. Some of them are in the poem she left me with:

To me, you are

The flower that perfumes the air I breathe

The faithful friend on life's long path

The happy heart rich with sweet compassion

The gentle eyes of wisdom and love

Feb. 26th, 2006 @ 09:50 am
Mexico
I am home from Mexico! It was wonderful. The beach, the Mayan ruins, the margaitas, the shopping. But the greatest thing was my first experience with snorkeling. It was absolutely breathtaking. Literally breath taking.
Quiet.
Peaceful.
The ultimate meditataion on earth's beauty.
I need to do that again!

Feb. 16th, 2006 @ 06:58 am
Calcium? Who needs it?
OK. I got through the medical break through last week that a low fat diet has no benefit for women dealing with heart disease, colon cancer, etc. Fine. Pass me that bowl of ice cream 'cause not only can I add a little fat to my diet now but I KNOW the calcium is good for me. The doctors have been telling us that since before I was born. Being raised in the 50's we were brainwashed into believing that whole milk was the "perfect food." They even convinced me of how important it was when I was pregnant. Yep. This is a girl that actually drank a glass of milk every day just for the benefit of her developing babies. Then I hit menopause. Once again I was told "YOU NEED MORE CALCIUM!" OK, fine. Insert daily dose of yogurt to diet and maybe a pill or 2. Then came the bone scan. YOU NEED MORE CALCIUM! Add yogurt dipped granola bars to diet. And the news today? Actually... um... it seems they were mistaken about that calcium thing. It doesn't actually prevent bone fractures. And... um... gee... it seems it also has the additional side effect of causing kidney stones. Here is the bright side. I can stop investing all that money in calcium supplements. And just think of the extra room I will have in my suitcase to Mexico since I can leave my calcium at home. Hmm... might be just enough room to bring back some Mexican jewelry.

Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 08:44 pm
Good news and sad news
Jimm has been awarded the University of San Diego scholarship. I am truly happy for her. This is a fabulous opportunity for her. But...! I will miss her. She brought a sense of excitement into this little house that has never been here before. I am so glad that our paths met and I know we have both been changed by our short time together as roommates. That is certainly not to say that our time together is over. But I will miss her.

Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 07:40 pm
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day has never been a big thing to me. Ralph and I were just never that romantic. But today I have been stuck by how "cute" kids can be on this kind of grown up holiday. This morning on my before school yard duty, I watched a first grade boy walk up to a girl and with all the sincerity in the world say "Happy Valentine's Day." I waited for her to shoot him down with a rude comment or to hit him but she simply returned the favor and said "Happy Valentine's Day to you too." That set the tone for the day. My class came into the room so excited about their valentines and their little gifts for me. They loved my little homemade valentines for them. I actually like this better than Christmas when they all try to outdo each other. These are just gifts that say "I like you." Cute little coffee cups, flowers, heart shaped cookies, small boxes of candy. Nothing showy or ostentatious. Just a little "I like you."

Feb. 12th, 2006 @ 07:02 am
We have been adopted
It seems that this little house on Fremont Street is the destination of choice for a long haired pure white homeless cat. She has been hanging around for a few days but I didn't think much of it as there are always cats hanging around the neighborhood. Friday after I came home I left the back door open and within minutes she slowly strolled into the house. As I tried to shoo her out she took the time to check out the bedrooms, the dog and the cat (the competition). She seemed quite comfortable here and wasn't about to be sent away too quickly. I suddenly realized the answer to the nagging question about how quickly the cat food had been disappearing lately. All day Saturday she was lounging about the backyard appearing as though this was her home. She lounged on top of the hot tub, she laid on the deck, she patrolled the grounds. Then last night as I was getting ready for bed, she made her move and boldly came through the pet door. Once again, she took her time getting to know the place before being removed. I have suddenly become very aware of who comes through that swinging door. Jack doesn't really know what to think, but it is clear that he does not like being outnumbered. He is even making an attempt at playing watch dog and "barking" her arrival. She simply turns her head and looks at him quizzically as if to say, "You call THAT a bark. Oh P-L-E-A-S-E!" I am not really looking for an additional pet so we will try the removal of food and see if that leads her to continue on with her search for the perfect home.

Feb. 10th, 2006 @ 07:41 pm
Sub plans
Yes. I'm still working on sub plans but I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Before I left today I started my 5 piles - one for each day I'll be gone. Just seeing the plans printed out and beginning the accumulation of "stuff" necessary to get through each day in second grade made me feel much much better. No wonder it was overwhelming when I first realized I would be gone so many days in succession. My first thought was "I can't do that." Well that is just simply not true. Anything can be done when one puts her mind to it. I feel pretty good about my subs getting a new writing unit off the ground and finishing off my non-fiction reading unit with biographies (a new piece of the action for me). When I met with the literacy coach and volunteered for her to start a long term team-teaching event with my kids the day after I get back from Florida, it almost put me over the edge. Then I had to have at least some general plans for my first day back too! Oh man! It has been a good experience in letting go. And now the decision that is left is whether or not to tell my kids that I'll be gone. I used to think that kids deserved to know what's coming but I had a very bad experience with that a couple years ago. And how do I explain a day off to go to the doctor, i.e. a colonoscopy. That might just become have to become an extension of Tuesday's professional development absence. And then, why is it OK for me to take 3 days off for my grandfather's birthday and I roll my eyes at kids taken out of school to go to Disneyland? Perhaps it's better to leave well enough alone. I have 2 great subs coming in. It's time to just trust.

Feb. 10th, 2006 @ 06:51 pm
Sunshine on the horizon
My Mexico documents are in hand and I am visualizing sunshine in my future and lots of it. I head south for Cancun in 8 days. I can't wait to be sitting on that plane. I'm dreaming of chile relleno, tamales and flan. And let's not forget swimming in the Caribbean for the first time in 30 years. Yeah, not since our honeymoon in Jamaica have I dipped my toes in those deep blue waters. I anticipate a deeply spiritual experience at the Mayan ruins and the little piece of rain forest I am planning to walk through. And I'm going to try snorkeling for the first time in my life. I am excited. It somehow feels like the beginning of something big. The fork in the road. Perhaps it is the traveling alone thing. (I'm actually trying to ignore everyone's comments about that.) Or maybe it's just the travelling. I am thrilled to be leaving home and work. I am ready for the adventure that is ahead. And who knows? I might come home with some new jewelry.

Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 07:42 pm
Misery loves company
I am feeling only mildly better about my job. The "better" comes from sharing my feelings with other teachers. The second grade team is totally baffled by the latest announcement at the faculty meeting regarding student access to state adopted textbooks. No one outside of Santa Clara will truly understand this but I will make an attempt at an explanation. Our district has always prided itself on doing what it believes is the right thing for kids regardless of what the state and president say. That is a wonderful thing. There has always been the double message from administration saying the state says abc but we are doing xyz. We had to listen to the announcements but then go back to doing what we knew was right. Well Wednesday there was a series of announcements made regarding student access to state language arts books as a result of a lawsuit in LA. It seems the "old" books cannot be used for instruction including classroom libraries and it is assumed that everyone is using the "new" ones. Here is the kicker. Each grade level shares 1 class set of books. That means each of 3 classrooms have a grand total 8 books. Why 8? Because that was the outcome of the lawsuit. Would someone like to tell me how I am supposed to use 8 literature anthologies as my primary mode of instruction? It is ludicrous. We just all keep waiting for the e-mail saying don't worry about what was said at the faculty meeting. Carry on. Or in lieu of that, some planning time to meet with our grade level to figure it all out. Nope. Professional development time today was on evaluating math PBA's. Does this make sense to anybody?

Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 05:31 pm
Wacky Americans
Here's a comment made to me today about my trip to Italy by a previous parent:
Oh you're going to love Italy. It is so wonderful. We went a few years ago and when we got back we really appreciated being home again. Over there you had to pay for everything. You had to pay for the bathroom, you even had to pay for the ketchup at McDonald's. My response: Ketchup! MCDONALD'S!! Who goes to Italy to eat at McDonald's? It's all about the pasta for me, baby!

Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 07:44 pm
Faculty meeting reflection
I am feeling only mildly better about my job. The "better" comes from sharing my feelings with other teachers. The second grade team is totally baffled by the latest announcement at the faculty meeting regarding student access to state adopted textbooks. No one outside of Santa Clara will truly understand this but I will make an attempt at an explanation. Our district has always prided itself on doing what it believes is the right thing for kids regardless of what the state and president say. That is a wonderful thing. There has always been the double message from administration saying the state says abc but we are doing xyz. We had to listen to the announcements but then go back to doing what we knew was right. Well Wednesday there was a series of announcements made regarding student access to state language arts books as a result of a lawsuit in LA. It seems the "old" books cannot be used for instruction including classroom libraries and it is assumed that everyone is using the "new" ones. Here is the kicker. Each grade level shares 1 class set of books. That means each of 3 classrooms have a grand total 8 books. Why 8? Because that was the outcome of the lawsuit. Would someone like to tell me how I am supposed to use 8 literature anthologies as my primary mode of instruction? It is ludicrous. We just all keep waiting for the e-mail saying don't worry about what was said at the faculty meeting. Carry on. Or in lieu of that, some planning time to meet with our grade level to figure it all out. Nope. Professional development time today was on evaluating math PBA's. Does this make sense to anybody?

Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 07:45 pm
Sub plans suck
I detest making sub plans. Yes, I am well aware that it is all part of my control issues. I try to let it be, I truly do. I know that a few days out of 180 days of school won't change much of anything in the grand scheme of life. But how do I write down everything to do and say in order to be me? I never ever get a sub when I'm sick. But I'm also never really very sick. So I'm not very experienced in this department of teaching. But now I am anticipating 4 and a half days out of a my room immediately after President's week with 2 different subs. Yuck! I'm forcing myself to trust a sub to start a new genre study in both reading AND writing. Luckily I will be back long enough between my colonoscopy, Noyce training and the trip to Florida for Grandpa's birthday to give the MAC math assessment. I almost freaked out on that one. I feel like I'm lesson planning for this week and that week at the same time. It is exhausting.

Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 05:05 pm
The olympics are coming!
Normally the winter olympics are just an interesting series of events that brighten a dreary winter calendar. I'm not really a snow person so I when I watch frozen sports events my fingers and toes kind of tingle. But this one will be different. This will be Jimm's first winter olympics. She had gotten kind of excited about the commercials she had seen and wanted a little more information. I gave her the insert in Sunday's paper and she was completely baffled. "But when are the olympics?", she asked. We soon realized that she had no schema for winter olympics having lived her entire life in Thailand, the land of heat, humidity and monsoons. Oh yes, this will be interesting.

I have been thinking about these little interchanges between Jimm and I. It is an interesting thing to try and look at my life and belief system through new eyes. In some ways it is like answering a child's questions about how the world works. This is just the adult version. Why didn't you go out with Ralph on Saturday? Do you think you will live the rest of your life alone? Do you believe the Da Vinci code is true? Why didn't they put all the books in the Bible? Why did you elect George Bush again? Why are they bombing the Danish embassy? She is opening little passageways between my brain and spirit. Perhaps I need to approach life with more questions in order to get at the heart of it all.

Feb. 5th, 2006 @ 12:53 pm
Some good medical news
The latest blood test report came back and I am finally back in the normal range for my thyroid readings. Yahoo! So I guess now when I am tired and nodding off before 9 it can be attributed to my age.

Feb. 3rd, 2006 @ 07:46 pm
George Washington
Here is a students writing homework.
February is full of holidays like Valentine's Day, George Washington's birthday and Abraham Lincoln's birthday. My favorite holiday in February is George Washington's birthday. I like him because he has false teeth. They are made of cow's teeth. He is also important because he was the first president of the United States. He is known as the father of our country. On February 22, 1732 he was born in Westmoreland County, Virgina. We celebrate his birthday to remember his good deeds.

(I wish I could recreate the illustration that goes with this paragraph :)

Feb. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:47 pm
Black gold
Today we finally had a few extra minutes in the afternoon so we took out the worms to check out the progress on our homemade compost. I took off the lid and saw a pool of shredded paper surrounded by black gold. We were totally amazed by how busy our little red wigglers have been. As I pulled out big handfuls of their wet and oozy environment my boys moved out and stood behind me whining about the "garbage" smell. The girls on the other hand sat right down and grabbed the worms, checked out the rolly pollies and started naming our little friends. Then I heard something about a slug. Fabulous. Jaz had done her informational writing piece on slugs so she got up close and personal to the little fellow. E. has promised to bring in more shredded paper tomorrow to keep them in the dark, cool and fed. I can't wait for the county guy to come back this spring and weigh our castings. Totally cool!

Feb. 1st, 2006 @ 07:49 pm
Professional Development: One size does not fit all
Professional development this afternoon was physically painful. We have been working on writing workshop conferencing. Today was our day to debrief and talk about questions, new learning and issues. So the questioning went along just fine and then a 5th grade teacher decided to jump over any new learning and share her "issue." So she launched into her diatribe on being forced to teach the standards instead of what she sees as being what kids NEED. Translation: grammar. That's right. Writing = grammar + sentence structure. The literacy coach was able to get her to at least focus on the writing portion of standards instead of meandering throughout the entire curriculum. I tend to forget that there is still a significant portion of our staff who are not on board with writing workshop. They still want to go back to the old way. They want to conference about capital letters and punctuation. Yes, I admit that is an important piece of written communication but it is the icing on the cake. The meat is in the craft, the voice, the word choice. I am a product of writing instruction based on grammar and that's not real writing. We have learned a thing or two in the intervening years. Grammar is the vocabulary of writing. We learn parts of speech so we can talk about the writing. This afternoon I suddenly remembered those ugly feelings I had a few years ago. So let me just go back to my room, shut my door and do what I love. Teach authentic writing.

Jan. 31st, 2006 @ 07:02 am
Back in the saddle
Today marks the first day of spring in my life. I got back on my commuter bike. It felt so good to fully sense the world again. Not just the visual cues of watching the houses and cars flit by with an occasional glimpse of a dog walker or sleepers picking up the morning paper but truly feeling, smelling, tasting and hearing all that surrounds me. I rounded the driveway and felt that burst of cold air hit my cheeks and I was alive again. My heart beat quickened as I came toward the first light. Hmmm... walking everyday does not equivocate with biking. By the time I hit San Tomas my fingertips were tingling and I was ready for the long red light rest stop. I got to school and as I locked my bike I looked up and saw the dazzling sunrise. The everyday beauty that is lost on humans is astounding. Pinks and reds sailing on the sea of the palest blue. Awesome. I take a breath and feel the contrast between my air and the world's. Warm against cold mixes and I am united with Mother Earth. Welcome spring.

Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 07:51 pm
Parent's progress
I had an interesting observation today. One of my parents came in to give a presentation on Lunar New Year today. This is the same parent that presented the info for her older daughter's class 5 years ago. At the time, my current student was with her. She was 2 years old and dressed in the most darling little outfit. But Mrs. G's presentation was totally different this time. Her voice was strong. She used books, music, and student participation. And of course there was the traditional red envelopes and candy for her grand finale. It is great to see how our parents develop right along with the kids. That connection between home and school really works!

Jan. 28th, 2006 @ 07:53 pm
Writing boost
I went to see Sharon Hill today at the Noyce speaker series. She spoke on comprehension in reading and writing workshop. She is a good speaker and gave me some seed for thought. I have always been a teacher that enjoys good professional development - especially in writing. It is the one subject that changes with the student group because it is based so deeply on what's inside the child. It reaches into the soul and brings it out on paper. So it seems I need to be reminded over and over again how to find creative ways inside. I am always amazed at how few teachers attend these workshops. The speakers that Noyce hires are leaders in their field nationwide. Yeah. I know it's a Saturday and nobody wants to give up their free time except for nuts like me. It feels good to think about teaching in new ways. It makes me think more and more about finding ways to departmentalize elementary school. I wonder what it would be like to just teach writing all day. Hmmm...


Jan. 28th, 2006 @ 06:22 pm
An ordinary day
Maria posted an ordinary day in her blog and I thought I would give it a whirl. While I don’t believe teachers really have “ordinary” days here is a day in my life.

Thursday, January 25, 2006
I rolled over, looked at the clock and automatically reached for my thyroid pills. It’s 5:04. Perfect. 30 minutes before the 5:45 alarm. I rolled back over to snooze until the radio came on. I looked again at 5:44. My body is perfectly timed! I got up and let Jack out, turned on the computer, started the coffee, and went out to get the paper. I returned to the computer to check my e-mail. I fixed my breakfast of Cheerios, orange juice and coffee to go (I couldn’t eat yet because today is my routine blood test to check my thyroid) and sat down to read the paper. There was nothing much of interest aside from the supreme court staying a Florida execution because it is cruel and unusual punishment. Hmm… That makes sense. Any execution seems pretty cruel and unusual. Oh, but then there was my horoscope. I don’t really believe the stuff but it usually gives me a smile to start my day. So today I am supposed to examine problems from the past in order to have a more efficient future. As I perused the comics I reread the horoscope. It seemed to be unsettling for some reason. Oh well. On to the daily super quiz! Topic: countries. I scored 7 out of 9. Not bad.

I moved from feeding my body and brain to getting dressed. I changed clothes twice as today was the principal’s birthday and the entire staff was wearing black. I finally decided on the short black skirt and cardigan sweater. I headed off to the bathroom for dental hygiene, make up and hair. I chose the barrette sidesweep hairstyle to show off my gray hairs to remind Kris that 40 is YOUNG.

6:30 I put out the dog, grabbed my breakfast to go and headed for Kaiser. I was in and out within 10 minutes and on my way to school. I took my first sip of coffee on the way. Yum. Caffeine.

7:05 I walk into my classroom, check the school e-mail and sit down to enjoy my breakfast. I left my calcium and Over 50 vitamin in the car so I have to go out to get them. While I’m in the parking lot I missed a call from Christine so I listen to the voice mail.

7:15 I go down to the computer lab to turn on the computers. I have taken on this responsibility since Nancy is out on medical leave recovering from a bout with MS. On my way I look out at the field and am taken with the beauty of the white sea gulls on the field of green. I checked in at the office, shared a few laughs with the staff about the birthday decorations – black balloons, Kris’ decorated office, the school marquis announcing her 40th birthday, the poster of her childhood and early adult photos. Now it was time to get ready for the school day. I checked the voice mail on my blinking phone, got out the papers I would need, recorded scores from yesterday’s math races (timed test), refilled masters, revised lesson plans for tomorrow’s Passport Day schedule. I went back to the copy room to make copies for my math small group work but there was a line so I went to the faculty room to pass the time and chatted with Sue about a diet her friend had been on. Then it was back to the copy room and on to my classroom. I prepared the guided reading lessons for the day. I checked in next door to get the flowers each class was taking to the principal. Patty and I chatted about the upcoming Math Day, how to structure it for 2nd grade and what the possibilities were for the future. Just as I went back to my class, Paula came by and we talked about Marelene and Matt’s wedding gift, the tiramisu recipe and the possibility of her joining me in the Italian class.

8:30 Opening/Writing I picked up my kids and greeted them at the door as I collected quilt squares for the class Heritage Quilt, book orders, and talent show signups. I guided Jaz (my blind student) to say goodbye to her mom and was finally ready to begin the day. I explained the agenda for the day and tried to explain in 7 year old terms why the staff was wearing black on Mrs. Stanga’s birthday. I took attendance and lunch count while they were doing their language review and checked in with B. about his math race for today. We corrected the language review and headed for the carpet for a writing mini-lesson on the use of white space by using tabs/indentations. My demo was with a tri fold. On their way back to their seats I met with Jaz and showed her how that would work on the Braille machine. I conferenced with several kids about topic, structure, introductions and how white space is accentuated by framing illustrations or skipping lines.

9:40 Time to visit Mrs. Stanga We headed down to the office and made our presentation of sentence strips, flowers, and cards.

9:50 Computer lab Everybody got set up on their computers and we worked on Key Skills. We practice antonyms, synonyms, and homophones.

10:15 Recess I had yard duty. Following yesterday’s class meeting, my assignment was to watch the soccer game and see what the pushing issues were. The next thing I knew a student was running up to tell me that Tia was crying. She had tripped jumping rope. I healed her and returned to the soccer game. Then someone came to tell me that Jaz is crying. She had accidentally fallen off the playground structure and was a little stunned. We talked our way through it and she seemed to be OK.

10:30 The kids have PE (my only prep time of the week). So I went to the bathroom and checked in with Kris about taking another 1⁄2 day off in February for Noyce training.
On my way back to class, the vision teacher asked about brailling the packet for Jaz for Passport Day. I got that for her and had my granola bar. The Special Ed teacher stopped to talk about B.’s schedule and homework assignment. I corrected the spelling homework and language review. Voila! My prep time was over.

11:00 I picked up the kids from PE and debriefed with the PE teacher about some behavior issues and tips on jumping rope.

11:05 Reading I taught my mini-lesson on structures of non-fiction collections. I taught 2 guided reading lessons – one on non-fiction noticings and the other on identifying word parts and context clues.

11:50 Finally it was time for lunch. Today is lunch bunch – staff lunch. I enjoyed a couple salads and a piece of garlic bread. For dessert Paula and I shared a small piece of birthday carrot cake. I chatted with Paula and Nancy. It was great to see her.

12:35 Math I brought the kids back from lunch. They did their daily math practice while I monitored and we corrected them together. Then on to math races. I gave Jaz’s orally. I taught a short lesson on place value. I worked with A. on subtraction with regrouping while the others worked with their place value blocks rearranging digits to build 3 different numbers. Then they did a math page from the book. We finished up with subtraction flash cards.

1:30 Recess I checked the district web site for a sub phone number. I called the sub for the March trip to Florida. Then I drank my juice that was left from lunch.

1:45 Spelling I taught the last 2 spelling words for the week, passed out letter cards for making the words and gave them a practice test on their white boards.

2:00 Social Studies The kids presented their heritage quilt squares. I assisted Jaz with hers. Then R. realized he had made his Germany flag upside down so I got paper so he could solve the problem. After the presentations we discussed what they had learned from the quilt square and strategies for the research. I previewed activities for tomorrow’s Passport Day and sent them home.

2:45 School’s out and it’s time to take care of the odds and ends. I talked with Jaz’s mom about her fall on the playground. I called M.’s parents to tell them he would be the super star at the Friday assembly. I wrote out the super star award and took it to the office. I talked to Patty about putting up the heritage quilts in the cafeteria for the multi-cultural dinner. I finished off the quilt and hung it in the cafeteria.

3:30 I left school and headed for Cosentino’s to get cheese, cream, and lady fingers to make tiramisu for the multi-cultural potluck. I wandered around a bit but finally found what I needed. On the way home I called Christine and left her a voice mail. I drove into an empty driveway. Jimm’s car had been towed away by the salvage guy that bought it. Yahoo! I changed my clothes and got ready to walk Jack. Jimm came home and was upset about a friend’s brother who had been picked up by immigration. I had a banana and took Jack for a nice long walk. I fed Jack and Max when we got back.

5:30 Jimm and I continued our conversation about American immigration laws. I warmed up some leftover soup for dinner. On an “ordinary” Thursday I would be going to Italian class but we had the night off for semester break. Jimm and I made fried bananas for my lesson on Thailand tomorrow. They were delicious! The conversation on immigration continued along with a sidebar on the definition of a criminal. I cleaned up the kitchen and packed the car with all the Thailand stuff. I corrected 2 sets of math papers. I took my shower, read a chapter of A Journey of One’s Own and went to sleep. So there is my day.

Jan. 27th, 2006 @ 07:55 pm
Departmentalized teaching
I love departmentalized teaching. Today was Passport Day so I taught the lesson on Thailand 3 times. It was great. Yeah, it's a lot of prep but it was one prep that took care of most of the day! Being the change lover that I am, I really liked having a new group of kids every hour. The same lesson came out entirely different each time because of the chemistry of the kids. I have to say that I also really liked having "the big kids." They look you dead in the eye, they're quiet and they ask great questions. That just doesn't happen in primary.

Jan. 27th, 2006 @ 06:20 am
Disturbing things in the paper
Headlines that disturb the mind:

Hamas has won world wide political power in Palestine. The combination of this victory with our government's unalterable will to do as it very well pleases throughout the world frightens me to my very core. "George" and company will need to severely soften the rhetoric or the entire planet will be blown to smithereens.

Oprah Winfrey is somehow confused by truth regarding James Frey's book. She says, "I made a mistake and left an impression that the truth does not matter and I am deeply sorry about that. To everyone who has challenged me on this issue of truth, you are absolutely right." I made a mistake! You had to be challenged?! When did the truth become so hard to decipher. Yes, everyone has a perspective on their own truth because each person sees events from a different perspective. But this isn't about perspective. This is fabrication. And the book is still categorized as non-fiction!

Jan. 26th, 2006 @ 07:57 pm
Assessment results
We had our professional development time for scoring the writing assessments on Wednesday and I have to admit that I am pretty pleased with the results. I have a few 4's, lots of 3's and only a couple 2's. We can't ask for more than that at the half way point. I was especially happy with my vision impaired student. Her piece about a visit to the eye doctor full of emotion and ended with "I was glad to be out of the doctor's office." Sweet. Yesterday, she and I worked together and added a bit more to it and will be submitting it to the Young Author's Exposition in March. My other honorable mention goes to B. He wrote his entire narrative in 3rd person. I was amazed, as was the rest of my team. When I asked the 3rd grade team about this they were also quite surprised. This all started about 6 weeks ago with a homework assignment on character description. The directions were to describe a character from one of your personal narratives (and the character could even be you). Well he interpreted that as telling about yourself from another person's point of view. He couldn't quite hold that one together. But it is obvious that he has been thinking about this format because he pulled it off big time! Kids' brains are cool.

Jan. 25th, 2006 @ 09:27 pm
Cash for trash
Good news. Jimm's car is officially sold! A salvage guy from Tracy is having it towed away tomorrow. I am just glad to be out of the translating/advising business. The side benefit is that I get the rest of my driveway back. And Jimm is happy to have $300 in her pocket.

Jan. 24th, 2006 @ 07:24 pm
Diet is the new 4 letter word
It seems that everyone is talking about diets. I know I'm not really overweight but my pants haven't fit for a couple weeks and it's getting painful to bend over (and I bend over most of the day in my line of work). So I was just going to "cut back" until I was back in the comfort zone. Well I cut back and back and back. I am hardly eating at all and and have walked 3 miles every day for 2 weeks. The result? Zilch, nada, zippo. That's right. I have not lost even one pound. I suppose the good news is that I haven't gained any either. I blame my thyroid. But I blame my thyroid for almost everything! And I am enjoying the walks, as is Jack. So it's not so bad. Next on the agenda: buying bigger pants! Tonight Jimm got on the bandwagon and weighed herself. Following the screaming, the reassurance that the scale is not broken and converting pounds to kg and cm to inches she's ready to diet too. Her plan is no rice or bread; just meat and vegetables. If you know Jimm you are laughing right now. The girl loves meat! I have been designated as the rice monitor. This should be interesting...

Jan. 23rd, 2006 @ 06:14 pm
A final word on Cindy
I suppose that I have received my final correspondence from Cindy. It came in the form of a check to cover the rest of the amount due from Sara for the purchase of my Saturn. The odd thing about it was that the check was inside a card with a picture of a very cute beagle on the cover. Now why would anyone who hates someone else go through the trouble of sending a card that she knows will be loved by the other person? Maybe she wanted to get rid of one more thing that reminded her of me. I have never actually had a friendship that exploded before so it is all very confusing to me. We had it out over her drinking and since then she has not answered any e-mails, phone calls or letters. Then for some reason she included me in the group e-mail announcing the birth of her grandchild. And now this cute but unsigned card bearing the last that is owed to me. So I bid you farewell Cindy. I wish for you only happiness. I will miss you. I hope that one day you can look back on our friendship with a smile and remember the good times we had. Creating stepping stones. Art nights. Nachos and margaritas. Me as your sponsor. St. Lawrence. Writing. Yosemite. The secret garden. Sam. Beach camping. Tiling. All those long talks. Ours was a friendship that grew from absence when I went to Texas and died from too much of one another. I mourn the death of our relationship. I guess I just always thought we could talk our way through anything. But today it is finally clear. It is over. So goodbye Cindy Lou. Continue on with your search for the love that will fill the emptiness who cries out in the dark of night. Tend the wounds that were created by those who should have nurtured you. Find the voice that speaks your will with courage and compassion. Let today be enough. And so I let go of what was and force myself to believe that it is all for the best. I suppose we served a purpose for one another and we can both now grow stronger taking our individual paths. So with a final look over my shoulder, I wave, smile and say I love you.

Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 07:59 pm
Not much to say
I haven't had much to say about my teaching lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I am much more relaxed in my lesson planning. Long range plans are in place and I am more able to teach one day at a time. Take them where they are and move on. That means I haven't been going in on weekends. That feels really nice. But (there's always a but) I have also noticed that my enthusiasm wanes when I'm not teaching personal narrative. It is my challenge. It is what drives me. It is also the heart of a writer's life. Memoir is where we grow and learn and have the courage to take the fork in the road on our own journey. I'm exasperated by it when I'm teaching it and miss the meat of it when I'm not. We are in the midst of a functional/procedural genre right now (with a scheduled break today and tomorrow for the mid-year personal narrative assessment). I'll get a little taste again with my quickie unit on punctuation ala Cynthia Rylant/Jane Yolen as mentors. Then we'll be off into the world of birds in informational writing. Yes, I have finally decided to again teach the unit I created last year. No need to re-invent the wheel EVERY year. I already have the resources but I will miss the birds of Alviso. We'll see if we can improvise with crows and sea gulls. They're not nearly as exciting as red winged blackbirds. Especially when they fly in your room in 2's and 3's and can't find their way out. That was probably the most "teachable moment" I have ever experienced in my career. Oh boys and girls what do you notice about that beautiful bird who is banging his head against the window trying to get to the tree on the other side of the window. That's right. He has little red triangles on his wings. He must be a red winged blackbird, the bird that Susy and Johnnie are researching. Let me get my camera so they can put a photograph in their bird book just like real informational illustrators do. Ok, writing time is over. Everyone line up for lunch. Aahh... Just a little Mayne nostalgia!

Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 07:58 pm
Thought for the day
The writing assessment is under way. 15 minutes done - 45 to go... And I'm bored already. So here's my bright idea for the day. I love teaching writing. The teacher next door loves teaching math. How about if next year I teach her kids writing and she can teach my kids math. When I suggested it to her this morning, she of course thought I was joking. Hmm... if I was principal would I let my teachers teach to their strength or is it more important for the sake of professional development that everyone teaches everything. Hmm... thoughts to ponder. Heck, I've got nothing to lose. All she can say is "Go back to work, Tere and stop thinking so much; i.e. NO!

Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 10:41 am
My element
Your Element is Wood

Your power colors: green and brown

Your energy: generative

Your season: spring

Like a tree, you are always growing and changing.
And while your life is dynamic, you are firmly grounded.
You have high morals and great confidence in yourself and others.
You have a wide set of interests, and you make for intersting company.
What Element Are You?

Jan. 18th, 2006 @ 06:51 pm
Deja vu
As January speeds by, it has occurred to me that I should start making plans for my trip to Florida to celebrate Grandpa's 98th birthday. So I sent an e-mail to Mom inquiring as to the date of the anticipated festa. She sent back the information along with the availability of sleeping accommodations. I believe her words were "What room would you like to put the air mattress in?" I quickly recalled an earlier Christmas I had planned to spend in Florida where I had made my "reservation" first but Patty was offered the extra bed and I was told that I could either sleep with her or on the air mattress in the office. That trip to Florida never happened! So here we are again. Same setting, same characters but somehow this one feels different. I'm just in a better place these days. I e-mailed her back about the availability of a room at the Sunshine Ave. Bed and Breakfast with my aunt and uncle. I now await the screaming e-mail that will tell me in no uncertain terms where I am staying. It's great to be 12 again! Of course I have already made plans to stay at Paul and Arma Jo's house. Repeat after me: I am an adult. I can plan my own vacations. I can decide where I sleep. I am an adult... ZZZZZZZ...

Jan. 16th, 2006 @ 09:02 am
Italy - Now or never
Last night I was sharing with Ralph some of my great ideas about getting to and staying in Italy . His response was one that I suppose is deep, deep down in my brain somewhere because I laughed out loud when he said it. In a tone that only Ralph could use, he said "Yeah, you're not getting any younger, Tere. Do it now while you can." LOL Anyone who knows Ralph knows it was said with only love and reflection on his own experiences. He also answered the question without me even asking. "I'll come visit you while you're there." Yahoo! Another convert to Italian vacations. I promised to dream about Italy during this break and I have followed through on my commitment. I watched some Italian WWII movie - not a great movie but I loved seeing all those beautiful Italians and the fabulous scenery. It reminded me that I have along way to go in my study of Italian. I was pretty dependent on those sub titles that raced by. I picked up 1000 Days in Tuscany at Barnes and Noble. It's such a cute little book and chalk full of Tuscan people, food and philosophy. Of course while I was there I bought a couple more books. One of them is a collection of travel essays on Italy and the other one is written by a Tuscan tour guide so he tells the other side of the crazy Americans who come to Tuscany and try to Americanize it. That should be amusing! TTFN - I'm off to the couch and my Italian dreams.

Jan. 16th, 2006 @ 08:11 am
Colorless
Ralph and I saw Glory Road last night. It was the perfect preamble to Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I was afraid it would be too much like Hoosiers to really enjoy but this Cinderella basketball movie is all about people who see color and those who do not. Coach Don Haskens (who I have to admit I have never heard of before last night) was just a guy who loved basketball. He wanted to win and would do it however he could. He did not see color. Bringing black men into the white south of the 60's was just not an issue for him. He and many other people like him changed this country. Where did that courage come from or was it just truly a love of the game? He brought black and white people together and the result was that they could see how much alike they were. This is fascinating to someone who grew up in white anglo saxon Iowa and in my first 18 years did not see much color beyond the late summer browning of corn tassels. It brought me to wondering about the role I might of played had I been an adult during those turbulent times. A interesting thing to ponder... I have such respect for people who stood up against the status quo. Although Coach Haskens appeared to be totally focused on basketball he knew when his boys were in trouble and he didn't hesitate to protect them. He got them out of the frey so it could all be about the game, not about race. He helped them control and vent the anger which he had no way of understanding. It started out as "just a game" but it became much more to him, his family and his team.

This of course leads to the question of where we are today, MLK Jr Day, 2006. Race still matters. People still see color first. The roads that black and white America travel have still not merged together. Blacks are still mounting hills and coming around bends while the whites are on a straightaway in education, jobs, and salary. I struggle with race inequity every year as I attempt to teach the meaning of this holiday to 7 hear olds. It seems to get harder instead of easier. There is no place to put injustice, prejudice, and segregation in those brains. But yet I strive to help them understand. My talk on MLK started with slavery this year. I don't know it it was any better but at least they had some knowledge about how black and white bathrooms could come to be. I truly believe that the children are the future and I will do or say anything I can to help them understand that people are people. We are all on a journey. The journey can be hard or easy. We can hinder those around us and be alone at the finish line or we can help one another and party together when it is all over. The purpose of life is happiness. How can we be happy when we stand alone on top of those we have pushed aside or crawled over? So I continue on my journey inviting any who would like to join me along the way.


Jan. 14th, 2006 @ 08:34 am
Retiring as a car shopper
My role as car shopper changes as of today. I found a great car for Jimm yesterday, made the call, set the appointment and drove with her to Willow Glen to see it. The owner was this sweet family with a 3 year old boy that is totally into firefighters. We had a lovely chat with him while we waited for Dad (the financial decision maker to come home). It was a 93 Tercel in excellent condition. The guy was willing to go $100 below blue book and took $300 off the asking price but Jimm wanted to "sleep" on it. Jimm and I talked about it on the way home and she has $1900 stuck in her brain to include the $100 she lost to the sleaze in the Home Depot parking lot. I talked long and hard about money and value. What is she really to settle for? Is it worth it? How much will you get back when you resell it next year? (Too bad there isn't a place that leases old cars for situations like this.) So we came home and looked at what $1900 will buy but she was not convinced. She is still looking for a "deal" despite our experience with the sleazy side of car sales. My final question was whether she felt pressured to find a car and her simple answer was: No. Ah ha! I had made the car search my problem when she had very little concern for it. No wonder she kept thanking me and calling me her American mom. Perhaps things will change this week when classes start at Santa Clara. She will be making the trek down Benton Ave everyday either to school or to the train station. I will continue in my role as English speaker but she can be the finder from now on.

Jan. 13th, 2006 @ 08:01 pm
Stephanie Harvey
I had the opportunity to listen to Stephanie Harvey yesterday after school. She wrote a great book on teaching reading comprehension several years ago. She had modeled a couple lessons at Scott Lane and was de-briefing with the staff when I walked in. The "talk" was scheduled for 3:30 - 4:30. She moved from the de-brief to the talk seamlessly. Her approach was to just take questions from the group and chat. When asked for a topic, the principal chimed in "Inferring." And away she went with a full blown presentation on inferring. She never stopped for a break and talked with us until 4:45. I was mesmerized by her energy as well as her kid-experience based knowledge. Here are the nuggets: Our teacher language has a powerful effect on kids - book recommendation Choice Words by Peter Johnston. Teaching is first and foremost what we say followed by what we do. Inferring is linked to questioning and visualizing. It is the answer to the question a reader has. Focus on the verbs - they are the way to inference. Inference needs to be reasonable not necessarily accurate. Test reading is a genre that can be taught. The correct answers are what's important to the test writer not the test taker. 3 correlations to test scores are 1. socioeconomics and the mother's education. The "academic gap" in reality is a background knowledge gap. 2. Test reading genre preparation - taught no more than 3 weeks before the test. 3. Reading ability based on 3 predictors - volume of reading is the highest correlation. Kids need to be reading what they CAN and WANT to read for 30-60 minutes a day. Authentic response - not fill in the blank worksheets. Explicit instruction of decoding and comprehension strategies. The research has shown that schools with high test scores have students reading independently for 50% of the school day. She left me feeling a bit better about my teaching. I've always believed strongly that reading improves the most through authentic reading experiences. I am curious about the 50% figure. I will have to be more aware of that in the days to come and see where my numbers fall.

Jan. 13th, 2006 @ 04:00 pm
A Three Day Weekend
I am really looking forward to this weekend. Historically this has been my annual trip to the Asilomar Reading Conference. Last year I didn't go because I went to Florida to help out after my dad's heart surgery. Since Cindy (my Asilomar partner for several years), and I have parted ways it just felt a little odd. I checked around at Sutter but nobody was going so I just let it be. And I'm so glad I did. It feels nice just to have some time. The car search has become very tiring. Checking out Craig's list, e-mailing, calling, going to see them, trying to figure out if you're being screwed. And lots of things are being left undone around the house - laundry, groceries, weeding, walking Jack. I just want to be this weekend. Yes, there will be car events, I'm sure but it feels nice to have a little cushion to fall back on. Breathe. Sit. Eat some real meals. Read. Hang out. And of course dream of Italy.

Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 05:30 pm
No car tonight
It doesn't look like there will be a black Camry on Fremont Street tonight.
http://www.craigslist.org/sby/car/124330369.html

Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 08:58 pm
Car shopping revisited
I was doing my daily duty of checking Craigs's List tonight and happened upon an interesting ad. 1996 Toyota Camry. $2,600. Automatic everything. And then the interesting part - something about needing to sell it today because the seller was going to China and needed cash. I love Craig's list! The stories are so fascinating. So of course we had to go check it out. The boyfriend of the seller (Does no one sell their own stuff anymore?)was a little stressed, to put it lightly. He wanted to be sure that we were "ready to buy." But I guess he had had about 40 calls so I'm sure he didn't want to deal with anybody just shopping around. So we met him at the designated spot; Home Depot at Camden and Leigh. My dad is going to be so jazzed to know that Home Depot is now selling cars in the parking lot. You can get everything there! We asked our routine questions. It has become almost rote memory by now. Timing belt, oil changes, tune ups, car history. Oops we forgot about the CV joint this time. Jimm took it for a little spin around the parking lot and for a quick jaunt into the street and back again. We learned our lesson about staying close to the designated parking spot in Oakland! She tried to bargain with the guy and asked for a student discount but he wasn't buying it and I reminded her of what a great deal it was. So she plopped down her deposit and made arrangements to meet him tomorrow with the rest of the cash. Yeah, that's right. We're going back to pick up the car at Home

Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 08:02 pm
Who's in charge?
Is my patience eroding or are there a few students who are mistaken by the name on the pay check? All of a sudden I have a couple kids who have decided it is there responsibility to tell me what they think I have forgotten to do. When in actuality it is a little problem with listening and following directions. Miss Allen, you didn't blah blah blah. Oh, I'm sorry I guess you didn't hear me when we took care of that 10 minutes ago. Normally that sweet sarcasm of mine handles the problem. But this is day 2 of me dealing with the same thing several times on both days. That classroom ownership thing can be tricky. I'm all for democracy but I also get to make a few authoritative decisions based on what I see to be the best interest of the class. Or maybe we're just all tired from pushing through subtraction with regrouping. AUGH! It is so painful. But the worst is over. And - a 3 day weekend is coming!

Jan. 9th, 2006 @ 08:13 am
Value of life
I saw Munich yesterday and am still thinking about the value of life based on your world view. It appears that an "enemy's" life is worth nothing because it doesn't hold your nation's/culture's blood. I am thankful that I will never understand this viewpoint. It is just depressing to see it played out generation after generation from country to country. I suppose it effects me more because I have taught young children for so long. And a big part of my side curriculum is pacifism. Yet, we as a nation have no qualms about invading countries, killing men, women and children and squandering their natural resources. My students are now old enough to serve. The other piece to this that has me thinking is my recent musings of living in other countries. I do not consider "American" as a strong part of my identity. I enjoy the freedoms and what natural beauty we have left in America. But I spend so much time despising what my country stands for. Because I was born in America, I am hated by millions of people around the world. My being can not be bound by national borders. I am a citizen of the world. It is my responsibility to find and live in a place where I can agree with the politics, culture, and world view. Where that may be is yet to be decided.

Jan. 8th, 2006 @ 12:33 pm
The car saga continued
The next chapter of the car saga is now somewhat comical. We got organized yesterday and moved from the computer to the telephone. We arranged to see 2 cars and left a couple other voice mail messages. Unfortunately one car was in Oakland and the other one was in Benicia. Oh well. It was a great opportunity for Jimm to see the bay area! As we drove into Oakland, the rain started. In retrospect that was probably a bad sign. We located the "seller" at the Lexus dealer and then found out the car was actually being sold by his nephew. We waited for the very young nephew to get back from In and Out and started out on our adventure, aka a test drive. Midway through I realized that none of us were familiar with the area. It turned out that the nephew was from San Mateo. The problem with this was that despite his ignorance he continued shouting directions at Jimm. It turned out that his mode of communication was in words, phrases or if you were lucky a complete sentence. I don't like being lost anywhere but I found d it particularly frightening in Oakland in the rain. The nephew kept checking in with the Lexus guy on his cell phone until we got to a point where he could get us all back. Jimm and I didn't talk until we were safely back into the truck. Only then could we finally laugh about the teenager, her inability to see the other cars because the Integra was so low and her constant confusion about left and right while the teenager was barking directions. We found the freeway, breathed a huge sigh of relief and headed north. The drive to Benicia was beautiful. We found the guy that was selling 2 of his 7 cars but arrived too late. The Tercels were both gone. He was a great guy and Jimm has finally found the mechanic she was looking for! We stopped to fill up both Jimm and the car. She fell in love with Benicia and thinks I should retire there:) We finally started home but checked out Wheels and Deals first. By that time we had both had enough. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and got a couple pieces to go and called it dinner. By the way, Key Lime cheesecake is especially delicious with a margarita! But the car issues were not over yet. The neighbor came over to relay information about another neighbor that has offered to fix her old car for $600 (more or less). She decided that it isn't worth fixing and she told him that later. Well he wasn't taking no for an answer. He just kept telling her over and over again that it would only be $600 and nothing else would need to be repaired. It went on so long that it really started irritating me. Was this one of those situations where the guy doesn't think the girl is capable of making a decision about money? Unbelievable.

Today we checked out Craig's list again. There are a couple Jettas available but I'm not sure that either one of us has the energy to even make a phone call. Today's humor has come from posting her car on Craig's list. We listed it and immediately got a response from some guy that was interested. His second e-mail was all about how he wanted to pay for it and then said he wanted to buy it for his fiance. That seemed strange to me unless he was a mechanic! Then he mentioned something about the "system" being in good condition and said he wanted to pay $100 more than the asking price to include the shipping cost. What??? My response was to once again tell him it isn't running and he needs to come see the car before he decides to buy it. Who knows what else will happen before the day is over...

Jan. 5th, 2006 @ 08:06 pm
Compartmental folding
As much as I try to keep a personal life distinct from my professional one, at times they just fold into each other. This is one of those times. I have recently been feeling ungrounded (again). Unfortunately this is happening in conjunction with a much anticipated trip to Italy. The two events are probably not a good mixture. Now my Italian head is trying to figure out ways to go beyond the tourist experience. Diane, my co-conspirator in all of this has filled my head with job possibilities at Sacred Heart Schools (Catholic School? Umm. No!), International Schools, DOD Schools (Again, NO!). While all of this was swimming about in my brain, I recalled a couple teachers who have taken a leave of absence for a year and taught in England through the Fullbright Teacher Exchange. Hmm... This could be good. I keep my SC salary, benefits, and retirement. I'm in England - weekend flying distance to Tuscany. The down side - neither teacher actually enjoyed the teaching part of England. But it's weekend flying distance to Tuscany! Hmmm... Let's think about this a bit more...

Jan. 5th, 2006 @ 08:03 pm
Another weird thing about me
Ok. Here is something else I have noticed about me as a teacher. I have to be inspired by my students. The past two days my class has been publishing their personal narratives. I have been bored out of my mind as they re-write, illustrate, and dedicate. Note to self: next time we publish they can do it for homework. I can't stand losing all that teaching time and I find myself correcting papers, filing stuff and searching the web as they do their thing. How many times can I walk around the room and watch kids use their best handwriting, draw pictures that go with the text, write a dedication and about the author page, and create a cover. B-O-R-I-N-G! I even spent the entire lunch time in the faculty room today! It's a good thing that I'm teaching subtraction regrouping in the afternoons. Ready or not, we start Procedural Writing on Monday. I'm dieing here!

Jan. 5th, 2006 @ 07:13 am
Assisted decision making
The saga of Jimm's car problems continue. Yesterday I arrived home to an empty house which seemed strange because Jimm was carless. I carried on with my afternoon/evening events only to be jolted out of my senses at about 6:00. Jimm flashed through the door yelling something about having to pick her car up by 5:00 or it was going to be towed. While trying to decipher this information, I remembered that she only speaks in present tense. When I looked out the door there was a huge tow truck waiting for payment. The next thing I knew the neighbor across the street was coming to take her to rent a car. Whoa! Wait a minute. He quickly got my message and left us to calmly make a decision about her next move. What did we ever do without the internet? We went through the car rentals, VTA bus routes and finally settled on Caltrain. It all reminded me of how some people just want the problem to be solved, over and done with and others like to consider options along with the short and long term consequences. Jimm's plan is to have a car by Monday. Stay tuned...

Jan. 4th, 2006 @ 08:07 pm
Simple Pleasures
Here is an easy and simple way to impress your students. Change your daily dress. I put on my flippy tiered skirt today and the compliments were flying from all directions - students, parents, teachers, even the principal. Oh Miss Allen you look so pretty! This one was even better than the day I wore my dress and heels to see The Nutcracker.

Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 08:38 pm
A new child
Tonight wasn't the first time that Jimm has tried to tease me into being her mom but it was the first time she really needed me to fill the role. On her way to work today her car smoked its way off of 280. I returned her voice mail during lunch and after a few miscommunications finally connected with her. The message: Where are you? When can you come home? Upon my arrival I was greeted with her opened arms - but no jumping this time. She had had a terrible, no good, very bad day. So I told her about yet another 2nd grade favorite; Alexander's bad day and his desire to go to Austraila. She laughed and told me she didn't really want to go to Austraila but she needed help finding a new car! We sat down on the couch with the lap top between us and hip to hip tried to solve her problem. She is a little old to be a child of mine but I have learned that we all play different roles for one another at different times in life. If she needs a mom today, I can play that part.

Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 08:09 pm
Patience
This is the end of Day 2 after winter break and we are all learning patience. I have become aware of how hard I push my class and am learning to wait for them. I have always hated wasting time in all aspects of the word. We are always the last class out to recess or lunch and the first one back. I learned that formula long ago. A minute or 2 two or 3 times a day add up in a hurry. Minutes of instructional time are like gold. But I am learning that I have a few kids who are in the habit of not cleaning up and moving on to the next thing. It's kind of an MO. They wander aimlessly through the classroom and have no accountability. For some reason I noticed them yesterday and continued to notice them today. The power has been in drawing attention to them positively. We wait for everyone before anything happens - whether you happen to be blind or tired or just need to talk to your neighbor before moving on. There are 20 learners in room 9 and I am learning to wait for all 20 of them. Today as I continued to wait I noticed the look of awareness for the first time. The other 17 or 18 are capable of waiting quietly so I don't feel the need to move on without the wanderers. Suddenly each indiviual has become accountable for the learning of the whole.

Jan. 2nd, 2006 @ 08:10 pm
First day back
The New Year celebration is now complete. The first day back is in the books. I have to say that the worst part of the day was knowing that we were the only district around in school today. Everyone was rather bitter. There were comments like, Do we really have to be here? Why are we working on a holiday? That old negative faculty room banter strikes again. The good part of the day was that there was absolutely no one on the road during the morning "commute." The kids were ready to be back - actually much happier to be there than I was.

Here is the funny little anecdote of the day. One of my students gave me an Italian-English dictionary for Christmas. He was so proud of himself because he knew that I would LOVE it. Today he asked me if I had been using my dictionary. I told him, of course; I used it a lot during Winter Break while I was practicing my Italian. Then he asked me if I had "finished reading it." I laughed and silently told myself I need to do some more work of dictionary usage. We don't actually read them cover to cover! :)

Jan. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:16 pm
Humorous Experience
While flipping through the channels tonight Jimm and I landed on ESPN and low and behold, they were playing old spelling bee national championships. After laughing over the irony of a spelling bee on ESPN I attempted to explain this odd phenomenon to her. This is yet more evidence of how extremely difficult the English language is. Any language with any logic or rules would not NEED a spelling bee. It was hysterical to witness Jimm's attempt to understand the words, the meaning of etymology, definitions, pronunciations and sentence usage. And then she started in on the national origin of the participants. Very funny!

Jan. 1st, 2006 @ 08:11 pm
Turning my eyes toward school
The last day of Winter Break means it is time to once again focus on the meat of my meaning. Teaching. I have broken many unspoken promises this break.
I did not come in on December 19th to clean up Christmas.
I did not take home my professional reading to bone up on reading and writing workshops.
I did not respond to my students' reading response notebooks.
I did not think about lesson plans for January.
But here I am today ready to take it all on - at least for a few hours. What better place is there to be during a rain wind storm? It feels OK to be back in this space. To focus once again on my calling as teacher. Let it begin.

Jan. 1st, 2006 @ 05:13 pm
New beginning
As a teacher I am blessed to have 2 new beginnings each year. I begin my academic year in September with all sorts of dreams and visions for me as a teacher and my students as learners. And then only 4 months later I am given the opportunity to again evaluate my life and begin again with a new calendar year. This one is always focused on the personal side. I think about where I am on my journey and what is on the horizon just ahead. This year it feels a little different. I am challenging myself with the question: Is this the life you want to lead or is this the life that is expected? My answer is a confused "I'm not sure." The closer I get to Italy and the more I read, the more I think I would like to be in it. Maybe take a year sabbatical, rent out my house and just be an Italian. Why else am I learning the language, watching every Italian movie and reading every book about Americans living in Tuscany that I can get my hands on? Why do I joke about buying a monastery? Why do I search on-line for jobs at international schools? Is it a dream or is it really a possibility? Fear holds me back. Finances. Retirement. Isolation. But the fear of not living a complete life is much scarier. I have known my entire life that my existence never fit the mold. There has always been something missing. It feels like a wanderlust yet I have never really traveled. It is a searching for the something that will ground me and complete me. Dating hasn't filled the bill so I know it's not about living single in a couples world. I have recently come to terms with that whole alone/loneliness battle. And yet the emptiness or whatever it is continues to plague me. I am famous for jumping into new things ill prepared for what laid below. So for now, I will simply leave it as the question: Is this the life you want to lead?

Jan. 1st, 2006 @ 08:18 am
A Three Dog Night
It is true what they say about sleeping with three dogs. It is indeed very warm. My guests Milo and Fletch decided to join Jack and I last night. Maybe the fear of New Year's explosions finally got to her or maybe Fletch was just curious about the "other" bed. I have to admit that it is quite amazing how little space a great dane can take up when she wants to.

Dec. 30th, 2005 @ 09:38 am
American Independence
Independence has become a topic here on Fremont Street this week. Jim and I have had several conversations regarding the cultural differences between Thailand and America regarding the living accommodations of family groupings. We have previously talked on many levels about the independence that is required to live in the U.S.- everything from pumping your own gas, carrying your own groceries to choosing your high school, college, career and life path. She has adjusted to all of these but the family living arrangements appear to just have no place in her brain. She questioned me about living alone the first time I met her. And we have talked many times about the housing arrangements of Maria and Bill, Dave and Chrysa, Ralph, Pat and Cari, my parents, etc. It has obviously been bothering her. We went to see Bill's grandparents and I realized as we were driving into the complex that up to that point in time she had no idea what I was referring to with terms that had the word senior in them - senior center, senior living. While we were visiting with Ray and Ann she took it upon herself to have this same discussion with a member of the elderly group himself. She questioned him about why they lived there and if they really liked it. Mike and I tried to help translate the real questions that Jim was asking in order to get them fully answered. And then she threw down her ace and asked him if he could, wouldn't he really rather live with one of his children? Her face only showed shock and disbelief as he bellowed "Oh hell no!" He launched into a diatribe on being independent, not wanting to be a burden to his children, the importance of being self reliant until he no longer could. I have shared this conversation with several people since then and everyone seems to have the same reaction. The discussion begins with independence and somehow ends up with the American pioneer spirit. As children we are acculturated to stand on our own, be independent, and take care of ourselves. If we don't we are somehow considered less by society. However in the process of creating these independent individuals, we lose part of our family connection. We don't get the opportunity to "pay back" our parents and grandparents for all that has been given. We trade time that could be spent in the company of our elders and learning life's lessons from them for time with our peers. In Thailand it is simply part of showing respect for your family but in the U.S. we are forced to find other ways to demonstrate the love and respect we feel for our forefathers and mothers. We e-mail, call, and visit in hopes that they somehow know that they are appreciated, loved, and respected for all that has been given and sacrificed in our honor.

Dec. 27th, 2005 @ 09:01 am
Christmas thoughts
I think I can safely say that Christmas is now over. The gifts are opened and put away. The day after shopping is complete and there are thoughts of New Years and back to school. So before my brain moves any faster I will reflect on lessons of Christmas 2005.

One of the greatest blessing of this Christmas has been Jimh. She asked a limited number of questions leading up to Christmas day to try and understand this multi layered American celebration. But each of them resulted in a great discussion of the customs and traditions of Christmas in the Giannini/Allen/Ferraro/Bunt/Carter family. It has been good for me to think through the actions we take and the why behind them. It also let me to once again re-evaluate my spiritual journey. Aha! Christmas can be just as meaningful from the Pagan/Buddhist perspective as the traditional Judeo Christian celebration. It's all about nurturing relationships!

The past few Christmases have felt a little burdensome because of the focus on gifts. Somewhere inside of me I began to feel that my gifts had to reflect the emotion I felt for the receiver. That became an exercise in futility. I searched and searched for the "perfect" gift only to be frustrated and settle for what I hoped they might like. Last year I attempted a conversation with a few people in my birth family about the frustration of shopping, wrapping and shipping with no results. They all seemed to want to continue this spending free for all. So I attempted a compromise with my spirit. I would spend less time and money and pray that I wouldn't feel "less" when the gifts were opened. At one point I even thought that I would just write a letter or create a collage for each of them but that didn't happen! Maybe next year... The promise also included a vow to stay out of the malls. My shopping started at the summer art and wine fairs - a bracelet for Chrysa, a tray for Maria, a barbecue apron for Mike, notecards for Mom. I was off to a pretty good start. And then the paper published a list of all the fall holiday bizarres. My prayers were answered. No malls. And I could plan out each Saturday looking for the best bizarres. Maybe all my gifts wouldn't be handmade but they could at least be somewhat original. Then I began really listening to those on my list. I finished off my shopping spree at the book store by purchasing some happy memories for Dave, a love of birds for Bill and a historical interest for Dad. These were small expenditures but they fit each one's personality so much better than something for the house of a new shirt. The remainder of the gifts came in the form of gift cards or cash. I have finally come to terms with the crassness of cash. At least the receiver is guaranteed to get what they want/like/need.

As I wrapped my gifts I knew it was "less" than I had given in the past and what I would receive in return but my resolve remained strong. I was determined to follow this through to the end. Christmas came and the gifts were opened. My family seemed very happy with the small tokens I had purchased. My birth family also has been appreciative of the gifts received. That is not to say that I won't continue my gift giving struggle with them. I have already warned them their 2006 shipment will be much lighter - I'm definitely thinking gift cards! Then, will it become a simple trade of gift cards rather than exchanging gifts? That could be rather humorous. I'll trade you my gift card at Chili's yours at AMC. Then my Christmas net expenditure becomes a 0 balance! As for my Giannini/Ferraro/Carter/Bunt family, I thoroughly enjoyed baking cranberry bread for each of them and receiving the canned goodies from Maria and Bill and the soap and candles from Dave and Chrysa. Perhaps a homemade Christmas is in order for 2006.

It is time for me to put the heart back into Christmas and completely detach from the consumer model of buying levels to match the love you feel. It is not possible to do and the effort results in emptiness. I am proud of my first attempt. I leave Christmas behind having replaced the traditional post holiday hollowness with love and satisfaction.

Dec. 25th, 2005 @ 09:36 am
Merry Christmas
Christmas and the preparation for it has brought many new awakenings which I will journal about at another time. Today I will just say that I'm glad to be in this moment at this place in time.

Dec. 23rd, 2005 @ 08:13 pm
Winter break
Things I like about Winter Break:
The peacefulness of falling rain without thinking about 20 kids inside for "rainy day recess"
Taking care of "business" without voice mail
Making and keeping appointments
Meeting friends for coffee
Waking up and rolling over to go back to sleep
Leisurely reading the paper with a morning cup of coffee and whatever I baked the day before
Hanging out with Jack
Cooking
Reflecting on school stuff without school getting in the way
Watching movies
Reading
Going out
Cleaning/organizing
Walking
Time to think about life, the world and how I can make it better
Feeling rested

Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 08:15 pm
Mission Accomplished
The Winter Program 2005 is now history and it was a rousing success. That old adage, a good dress rehearsal means a not so good performance just is not true in this case. It is clear that these kids just love being on stage. Their voices were actually stronger last night than they were at the school rehearsal in the morning. For the first time in my public school career, every student in my class was there! They had a great time and are proud of the "gift" they gave to the Sutter community.

The family gifts are done and gone. We finished them up yesterday and I sent them home. Actually there could have been a few bags with wet paint but I just needed them out! They are now happily resting under each family Christmas tree.

That means I had a full day of teaching today - reading, writing, spelling, math and a little background knowledge on The Nutcracker. And I am totally exhausted.

Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 08:14 pm
Student Christmas card
Here is the card I got in the mail today. (I will omit the name to protect the source.)

cute little picture on the front of a child peacefully sleeping with a teddy bear beside him and a puppy at his feet, candle lit Christmas tree on the floor and a filled stocking on the bedpost, 2 reindeer peering in the window with snow falling all around them. sweet message inside about the night before Christmas. handwritten message on opposite side (no punctuation but everything spelled correctly)
Dear Miss Allen
I miss you SO much Our new teacher is mean She gives us hard homework You are better than her The whole room six missed you
Love
****

Dec. 11th, 2005 @ 08:17 pm
Holidays in primary education
My work life has definitely kept me occupied the past few weeks. I have begun to view it much as I do house work - whatever gets done gets done. The rest will still be there waiting for me tomorrow. Second grade has traditionally been involved in the "Holiday Program." That's PC for Christmas program. I have been blessed this year with a very loud class. That comes in handy for only one thing - public performances. I don't often brag about my class but they really do sound good. I'm just hoping they don't clam up on us Tuesday night! Sometimes that happens when they look out and see all those people looking at them. In addition to the performance, primay teachers also must add to their already exploding lessons plans the production of family gifts and cards. I don't know how this ever got started but it is definitely part of the community expectations. So we are busy making ornaments, snowman soup, cards, and decorating a box to put them all in. So on Friday while I was supposed to be finishing up my December reading assessments I threw up my hands in defeat and we made poinsettias, ornaments and cards for our 5th grade reading buddies. Tomorrow in place of Science and PE we will do the Snowman Soup and decorate the boxes and then hopefully return to some semblance of education. But in all of this I have not missed a beat in Writing Workshop. I mentioned something about the possibility of omitting writing and the kids all moaned in unison. Mission accomplished. My kids love writing. I guess they are not only loud but they also have a lot to say!

Nov. 30th, 2005 @ 08:18 pm November 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
TGIF

I feel a little too tired to post and not quite tired enough to sleep so I guess I'll give posting a shot. Here is my aha for the day. Some of my issues in the classroom are kid related. Although I love my class we do have some issues with transitions and everyone following directions. It occurred to me today that perhaps the reason we are 5 minutes late for every recess and lunch is not because I can't get my act together but because there are about 5 kids who are on their own time frame. They can't seem to put anything away, drag themselves to the carpet or even look at the person who is speaking. Time to back up and punt. I have changed my schedule again for the umpteenth time - not easy to do when coordinating with vision assistance, science lab, library, computer lab and PE. Yes I do realize that today is the end of the first trimester. I just refuse to give up on trying to make things work. So as a result, my Friday PE just flew out the window in exchange for science/social studies. Today we did the end of a 2 period jigsaw on the "first Thanksgiving." It was nice to deal with a little curriculum meat. But I have to admit I really missed PE. No, it wasn't the exercise, it was just being outside. At the end of the day I just felt like something was missing. No sunshine! And there won't be PE on Monday either. Time to get ready for the Holiday Performance. When I taught 1st grade I always thought it would be better to do the December performance rather than the spring one because the kids were out of it anyway. I will try to remember that in the next few weeks. I am proud to announce that as I worked on my lesson plans today, I actually cut things out of our upcoming 2 day week rather than try to fit things in. No homework, no spelling, no daily language or math practice. Maybe I'll be able to teach a little money after all. Which leads to a confounding question? Why do kids today have so much trouble counting money? As I child I loved taking out my money and counting it over and over again. But perhaps these kids don't have piggy banks. They probably get theirs in the form of $20 bills from the ATM machine. Sad. Next on the agenda is telling time. A kindergarten dad leaving daycare stopped by with his child the other day asking if they could interrupt me to use our classroom clock to "tell time" on. How long before analogs are completely obsolete? Will anyone know the meaning of time without the hour and minute hands? OK. I'm fried. When I start writing about things lost it's time for bed.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Coming out of my funk
Today seemed a bit brighter. I have been mild to moderately depressed about my teaching ability or at least what the state and so many others expect of me. It all started a couple weeks ago when I began my "homework" for the Noyce Advanced Study Group. This is a small group of teachers led by a literacy coach to focus on writing workshop. There was a time when I thought I was a pretty darn good writing teacher and it wasn't that long ago. At any rate we have taken a 2-prong focus: mini lessons and conferencing. Any WW teachers out there will quickly realize that those 2 pieces constitute the majority of any writing workshop. After doing my reading on mini lessons I revamped things a bit, added a couple missing pieces and tried to carry on. Then I decided it would be a good idea for the local coach to meet me and my kids so I invited her in for a reading lesson. (I used to be a pretty good reading teacher too.) I managed to get myself over that one and then took on my Advanced Study homework on conferences. My reflection? I suck. Yeah, so now I'm trying to update and improve those missing pieces too. This one is not so easy! My conferencing is better but they are taking much longer! Now I'm seeing 2 maybe 3 kids on a good day. Quality not quantity. The next zinger came at the faculty meeting this week as we were going over Science scores. Yep. They're in the toilet. So now the district wants excellence in reading, writing, math and science. Sure, no problem. Sign me up to teach language arts in middle school. I would gladly leave behind the math, science, PE, and even art. But the day wasn't over. I then received my STAR scores from last year. Yeah, not so good. The day ended with a very long chat with some co-teachers about our profession. I don't think any of us would ever leave but we can certainly understand why people do. It was interesting to note how some of us take these number presentations to heart and others can walk away secure in the knowledge that they are already doing every thing they possibly can. That isn't my view. I am always thinking about ways to improve my teaching. But this one has really made me stop and think. What is the cost? What am I willing to give up for the mere swing of a pendulum? What will my kids benefit? Is it a number on a test score or is it something that will carry them through the future? I've been at this for 16 years now and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. By now I thought it would. The district, the state, the federal government, it seems like the universe all has an opinion about how I should do my job and what my kids should know when they walk out of room 9 for the last time. Now hear this. I am the professional and I know a thing or two about kids and learning. Just let me teach. And wouldn't it be great if we could enjoy it in the process? So I started my day today with a fabulous read aloud - I am still a pretty good reader! I saw my guided reading groups, taught a little spelling (with humor infused), took a few minutes to play word wall games and was feeling OK by recess. It is time to let go of all the pressure I allow to be put on my shoulders. I am a teacher and most days am a pretty good one.

Saturday, November 12, 2005
Head games
I have finally figured out why I don't like curriculum coaches. The whole experience makes me focus on the negative side of my teaching. The missing pieces. The way to improve. If coaching is supposed to "help" my teaching why do I feel like c-r-a-p when they leave. I have never met a literacy coach that I didn't like. They are all very friendly and smile so sweetly when they come in the room. They are extremely knowledgeable and have great ideas but after their suggestions I beat myself up because it's all stuff I know. I just don't have the perspective or energy to think them up! Then I feel like I have to invite them in again to show them how much I have improved. I know this is messed up. Coaches are trained to help kids through the teacher. But the reality is the teacher is the communicator between coach and student. How can the teacher feel anything more than inadequate when suggestions are made to help the student? I spend the next few days repeating my mantra. I am a good teacher. I am a good teacher. There was a time that I thought I wanted to be a coach. I don't think that's any longer in the stars for lots of reasons. One day at a time, as I continue to repeat I am a good teacher. I am a good teacher.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005
My challenge
... student with no motivation
... notes sent home
... loss of sleep
... wondering what to do
... talk to teachers
... set up SST
... Mom nods
... Mom says there's nothing that motivates him
... more talking
... Mom cries
... Mom says he's just like his father He's never going to amount to anything He's going to purposely fail tests in middle school just like his father did so he doesn't have to work in school
... more talking
... plans are put in motion
... Mom shows up at assembly an hour later ready to talk
... student is totally "on" all day
... sticker chart
... smiling boy
... Legos reward ready
I love teaching


Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 08:21 pm October 2005
Halloween
So another one has come and gone. It was a little strange getting back into the mode of celebrating Halloween in the classroom but I think the day went pretty well. The kids were pretty mellow - or maybe it's just being in second grade. It is fun to watch the kids that really get into their character. The Cinderella that suddenly moves with such grace or the Darth Vader who appears several inches taller as his posture improves. Elementary kids are so cute! The funniest part of the day was watching their faces when I passed out their homework folders. A few of them absolutely could not believe that they had homework on Halloween. But when I made a comment about how mean the second grade teachers were they said No, Miss Allen, you're a second grade teacher and you're not mean. So they can be disappointed in getting homework from me but unable to blame me personally! Funny.

Saturday, October 29, 2005
Lost cause?
I have a student in my classroom that is turning out to be a real challenge for me. I have always prided myself on the fact that kids generally like being in my classroom and will do almost anything I ask. I develop strong relationships with my students and that is basically the extent of my classroom management system - no colored cards to be flipped, no names on the board, no charts... But this guy is a puzzle to be solved. He appears to have no motivation whatsoever. It has made me wonder if this is what it is like to teach in middle or high school when kids don't "care." I've seen a lot of interesting kids in my career but I've never seen anyone so young and so unengaged in the learning process. He doesn't really like school because it is just "work, work, work." I can look at him any time of day and see him just staring off into space. He doesn't seem to care about either rewards or consequences. He does respond to verbal prompts but unfortunately I can't stand my his desk 6 hours a day and remind him to get back to his work. Notes home are either not taken out of the backpack for days on end or read with no response from the parents. When I have talked to other teachers about him I get the rolled eyes and "Oh that family." The general consensus is that I won't get anywhere with the parents so why try. It has made me stop to think about comments I make about students or parents. I hope I have never communicated that any of my students wasn't worth the effort. The funny part is what happened on Friday. I gave him a note to take home and he asked what it said. I told him it said that I was worried about him and he gave me a huge hug. Maybe he just needs to be noticed and shown that someone cares about him.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Classroom Community
The balance between kids buying into the system and someone being in charge has always been a delicate one for me. Years ago I did all the classroom helpers thing with a line leader and the paper monitor and the trash collector, etc., etc.. When I realized how much time I was spending every Monday morning setting up the new jobs of the week, it had to go. There's nothing I hate more in the classroom than wasted time! It slowly morphed into the special person of the day which meant I had one person who did everything that day attendance, lunch count, you name it. I would go through the list in alphabetical order or whatever order we came up with. I swore I'd never go back to classroom helpers again. For some reason this year, I just never got things organized. I still haven't even memorized my class list in alphabetical order. (Once again the phrase "old age" is clanging in my head.) We've tried a few different systems to handle attendance and calendar and they just keep falling apart. I basically would just give the attendance to whoever looked somewhat focused. We started the year doing calendar at the beginning of math time with the advisory that it wasn't very important to me. I have since learned that Sutter 2nd graders LOVE doing calendar whether anyone else is participating or not! A couple weeks ago I succumbed to their whining and assigned a person each day to do calendar first thing in the morning while I was checking in homework and everyone else was doing their Daily Language Review. That worked until I forgot about it 3 days in a row and the incessant whining returned. Yesterday we had our first class meeting to just check in and see how everything was going. I'm still not sure how it happened but for some reason after we finished, the conversation returned once again to the calendar problem and the burning desire to have JOBS like room 8 does. They came up with some interesting systems - a different person for each day of the week for the month and then switch to a different 5 kids for the next month. Not bad. I never would have thought of that one on my own. But when it was all said and done, I pulled out the classroom helpers pieces (frogs, of course) and before I knew it the class was quietly doing their math - a bribe - and RW and I were labeling the frogs with jobs and names. They were so darn happy I couldn't believe it. Was it about finally breaking down the teacher and getting their own way or do they just think it isn't normal not to have jobs in school? After all, that's the way it was done in kindergarten and first grade. Looking back on it I still find it hard to believe the way it all happened. I'm not usually that easy. For some reason this class is teaching me to relax and let down my guard. They are just one of those groups you can have fun with and still get back on task. So, today my most vocal students had their jobs in place. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy they were and how happy everyone else was just to watch them do their job. It is amazing the power that buy-in has. Suddenly their voice has power and they can help create their own classroom community. I can stand up there and talk about teamwork until I'm blue in the face but one small victory like classroom helpers and the entire room feels different. Everyone is participating in class discussions, they're creating punctuation charts, their library books all came back, they're helping each other figure out regrouping. Would that have happened if I assigned classroom jobs on the first day of school? No way. It came as a result of fighting for something they believed in. As trivial as it may seem those jobs made all the difference between a class led by Miss Allen and one that hears every voice.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
I'm back again
It has been several weeks since I last reflected in written form on my teaching. I'd like to say that I have missed it. But writing remains a difficult thing for me. This of course is not to say that I have not been reflecting; I just have not been writing it down. So now that I'm back, I could take off on any number of topics. I left off at conference week so I could write about how I learned to conference with my "high" kids' parents as well as the ones I worry about, hence making conference week totally exhausting or I could talk about attending the Advanced Study at Ponderosa, the myriad of events at Sutter including assemblies by the Dairy Council and neighborhood firefighters, Literacy Night, Sutterfest, Red Ribbon Week, and the pumpkin patch. Yes, these things have all taken place within 3 weeks time. Is it any wonder we are all exhausted by Halloween?

No, tonight I want to think about procrastination. It is currently my greatest enemy. I am at school by 7:00 in the morning- a full 90 minutes before school starts. On most days I couldn't tell you what I get done in that time. I go to bed and wake up with a prioritized plan of what I will do the minute I walk in the classroom, the people I need to call at recess or lunch and the papers I will grade after school and be on my way home by 5. Well that just isn't happening. As a matter of fact the past 2 nights have been 6:00 departures rather than 5. So the question is what exactly am I doing? I walk in the door and I turn on the computer - first mistake. I check e-mails and answer the immediate ones (maybe that will change now that my computer at home has been rejuvenated. Thanks, Bill!) Then I turn to the day's lesson plans. More often than not the bulk of them are in my head rather than in my lesson plan book. So I solidify what will/will not work given the day's schedule. B's mom usually stops in on her way to daycare to unravel the latest quandary at home. I get books from the book room for guided reading, make copies, check in and get the stuff from my box. Then I go back to my room look at a pile of papers or notebooks that need to be checked and immediately find something more interesting to do - like move the furniture. The clock ticks away and the only reason that I am ready to teach at 8:30 is because I have done it for so many years. After school any number of things can divert my attention; checking e-mail, looking for lessons on-line, searching Amazon for the latest books I am trying to talk myself out of buying, chatting with teachers, alumni students, and moms and kids leaving day care. Then I start making deals with myself. I'll correct those papers tomorrow morning FIRST THING or I'll take them home and do them tonight. Those papers can go back and forth for 2 or 3 days before I finally have had it with myself and sit down to correct them. The sad part is that when I finally do it, it takes a matter of minutes. It would be so much easier if I would just do them a set at a time instead of 4 or 5 sets that have to be done before the Wednesday envelope goes home. Hence my 6:00 exit today! This is a issue for me and something I really need to work on. I sense it getting worse with age. Perhaps I procrastinate because I simply don't have the energy at that moment to do the task. But with the energy spent on the "deals" I make, I could have already have done the job. So my goal for the week... correct each day's work on that day. Oh wait. Tomorrow we have a 1:45 professional development meeting and I am walking at 4. I'll correct tomorrow's papers first thing Thursday morning. And so it begins.

Monday, October 03, 2005
Sabbatical
I will be on a journal sabbatical this week and possibly longer. We have conferences this week and my computer at home is fried - or at least a little crispy around the edges.
TTFN

Thursday, September 29, 2005
Parents
The parent piece of teaching is so interesting. Just when I think I'm getting a little better at it I am taken totally by surprise. The student whom I have been trying to get in for testing blew me away today. She popped her head in this morning just to ask if I had gotten the boom box from my wish list and then seemed to want to talk but didn't say anything. So... um.... have a nice day. I didn't have a clue what was going on. Then I walk out to pick up my kids and the SE teacher tells me that she came in and requested testing papers. Huh? OK. I guess that kind of explains her "wanna talk" thing from earlier. I am thrilled that she is trying to do the right thing for her child but surprised at the back door approach. It will certainly simplify things at the conference next week. Then after school the parent of the student who is receiving the Super Star award tomorrow came in and is concerned that perhaps his child didn't deserve it. Huh? His child has totaling internalized the rules and gently reminds others of what they are. And "Dad" is concerned that he is acting like a Kindergarten cop and bossing people around. Again, "Huh." I guess on some level I understand his position but on the other, a teacher loves those kids who can model and remind others of their responsibilities. B may be the sweetest boy I have ever taught. He is kind, helpful, compassionate, loves to talk about his reading and writing and yes, he might grow up to be a cop someday.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Easy to please
As much as I think that I would like to teach in the "upper" grades I am amazed at how easy it is is to please the primary bunch. Today was full of those humorous incidents. TF came in to take a look at some "give aways" I had. The minute he walked in all their heads turned (despite the excitement of tearing the first page out of their math books). I could hear all the whispers. That's my brother's teacher, he was my sister's teacher, he's funny. I couldn't stand it and had to announce, "That's right boys and girls. That is Mr. F. and he is very famous. They were goners! Then there was writing time. We are publishing their first piece and they are just beside themselves. We get to choose our own paper? That's right. We can illustrate? That's right. We can use markers if we want? That's right. You are the author and illustrator. You get to make all those decisions! Miss Allen, you are the best teacher! And if that wasn't enough there was the art lesson on tertiary colors. A new color wheel, blending with colored pencils AND to top it off mixing blobs of paint on paper plates. Miss Allen, you are the greatest! And to finish off the day I gave them their homework folders amid cheers. That's right, cheers. Is tonight math night? Oh yes it is! They definitely missed school on our in-service day yesterday! What other job gives you physical and mental hugs like this?

Monday, September 26, 2005
In-Service Day
Today was an in-service day at SCU. Why is it that a teacher is more exhausted after an in-service day than after a day of teaching 20 children? Our day was spent calibrating and scoring writing PBAs. That involved real conversations about writing and what constitutes such things as interval events, literary language, writer's craft and closure. Everything comes into that conversation - experiences with past students, your own writing life, and views about developmentally appropriateness. I left feeling a little less than an expert teacher. It is good for me to remember that I am a life long learner and learning always involve some disequilibrium. It is always somewhat depressing to look at the baseline assessments and see the long road that lies ahead. But we have 9 months to do it in. It is good to remember that we write and read everyday and get a little closer to the goal (standard) with each mini-lesson and conference. This too is a journey. I will be relieved to see my kids again tomorrow and get back to the work at hand.

Saturday, September 24, 2005
The latest and greatest fundraiser
Oh yes, Sutter has joined the world of walk-a-thons. The first is now in the books. Walk For The Arts. It was absolutely fascinating to watch it all unfold. Their was a little concern at the beginning because nobody really knew what the response would be until it actually happened. The committee did their job and had all kinds of food for sale so that families could come and let their kids walk and get dinner at the same time. The kids were pretty worked up by the time Friday rolled around. After all, they got an early dismissal out of the deal! The families trickled in at the beginning abut by 3:30 there was a pretty good crowd of walkers, joggers, runners. The 5th grade classes had challenged each other but in looking back the challenge probably should have come from some of the younger kids. They were so darn funny. You see these little kindergarten and 1st graders walking around and around and around. They are hot and sweaty but refuse to stop. Their parents could do nothing to get them off the field. Then there were the big kids who just got bored and started a pick up football game in the middle of the course. Perhaps it was the little incentives along the way - 6 laps you get a fan, 8 more you get an otter pop, another 8 a hot dog or piece of pizza. We had kids filling up their whole card and starting on a second! It's a good thing we have an in-service day on Monday so those kids can recover. It also makes you think about the whole PE thing. If a child can walk for 2 hours straight perhaps we can challenge them in the world of physical exercise in new ways. Hot dogs on PE days? Maybe not. The teachers loved it because we only had to put in an hour's time marking cards. It was a riot to watch the kids heading around the curve, see their new or old teacher and light up. They got their card marked, an encouraging comment and even a hug or 2. But no one could compete with the principal. Kids just love getting attention from the head hauncho. So I suppose now that the actual event is the complete, the challenge will be collecting the money. It will be something new to nag about while I check attendance, lunch count, and homework :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Follow up to parent/teacher thing
So, this morning the mom of yesterday afternoon's conference came in. I have probably already met with her 4 or 5 times as she stops by on the way to Day Care with one thought or another to share with me about her son. However, we had actually scheduled this meeting so we could go over the SCORE documents. She made reference to Dad's visit and agreed that things were not going well. We chatted for a bit and then it happened. The barrage of questions. Do you think he might have ADD? Do you think he might have a learning disability? Should we have him tested? All that morning time I have sacrificed with her has been worth it. What she doesn't know is that we had already scheduled an SST for the middle of October thinking that would give me enough time to assess, document and conference. It was definitely a relief to hear those questions come at me. The cutest part was when I told his 1st grade teacher. It is just another example of how teachers plant seeds but rarely get to harvest. She talked and talked and talked to the family last year about testing, ADD, and learning disabilities and got nowhere. I just chat with the lady a few times, console the dad and suddenly the fruit ripens before your very eyes. So I am hopeful for BR. It could be a great year for the entire family. They will need lots of support in facing the realilty of the child that they are raising. Some lost dreams will be mourned but others will be born. I only hope that they can accept him for the beautiful child he is, see the gifts he has to offer us and know that the world will be a better place because he has called us to see how easy it is to be kind and loving and how important it is to find time everyday just to play.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005
A kid only gets 2 parents but lots of teachers
A kid only gets one set of parents but will have many many teachers. This was the theme of my impromptu conference today. The dad staggered into my room as I was filing papers looking like he had just been hit by a truck with the greeting of "Can I ask you a question or maybe 2 questions?" He was just beside himself wanting to know what to do about his child that was really good at playing but didn't want to read. This is a child whose parents conferenced with his 1st grade teacher on a very regular basis with no progress made in anyone's favor. SCORE hasn't fixed it and neither has moving on to second grade. Yelling , bribing and enabling don't seem to have solved the problem either. Hmmm... maybe there is something else going on. How about just being his dad, loving him and supporting him as best you can? There's no one else in the world that gets that honor and privilege. He gets one and only one dad, one and only one mom. Teachers will come and go in his life. You don't need to take on that role. How about playing with him? How about reading TO him and developing a love of language so what he does read he will enjoy? Parents take that BTSN talk so literally - no margin for the human condition. The teacher said read for 15 - 30 minutes, by God, we're going to read for 15 - 30 minutes, whether you like it or not! My response is always; when it becomes a battle at home, let me take over in the classroom. A child doesn't need to spend what precious little time he actually has with his parents fighting about reading when there is a high probability that there is something unusual going on in that little brain. Life is too short for family time to be fighting time.

Monday, September 19, 2005
A clearer vision
I am thankful to be where I am in my life both in age and experience. Today at lunch there was some of that "teacher talk" that evidently can't be avoided. Do you teach PE? When do you do it? Don't you think that we should be able to count the minutes at recess? Don't you think that it's just one more thing for an already over-crowded schedule? Somehow that all escalated into public school vs. private school, etc, etc. I am grateful to have had the experiences I've had the past few years, even though a couple of them were somewhat painful. I am content in where I am and what I am doing. I truly do feel that teaching is the best job in the world. I am completely at ease at Sutter within the teacher and parent community. And, NO, I have no desire to go back to private education. I have definitely learned a few things on my journey. The grass isn't always greener. There are some things money can't buy. Education is about a lot more than the curriculum, test scores, and assessments. My students depend on me for much more than language arts, math, etc. Yes, to some of them I am the mother, father, nutritionists, and counselor. That's just the way it is. I teach children, the whole child, not just the academic portion. I give thanks to my time at Mayne for teaching me the importance of looking directly in every student's eye first thing in the morning and evaluating their physical and emotional status. A child can not learn to read or write if they walk in the door hungry or fresh out of a fight with mom. Greeting my kids has become one of my favorite things to do. My "Hello, how are you?" is often the nicest thing that anyone has said to them since they went to bed the night before. Or maybe it's just seeing someone smile and look at them, really look at them that does it. They know that I care and that I'll be there every morning looking for them, wondering how they are.

Friday, September 16, 2005
The Essential 55
I am currently in the midst of reading The Essential 55. It is a focus at Sutter this year so I'm playing a little catch-up. I actually flipped through this book a year or so ago and just thought it was a lot of hype. I need to have "meat" if I'm going to actually spend my hard earned money on a book. It is an interesting read. It's pretty much the way I was raised but the little stories that go along with each "rule" are interesting. I have had the aha that the fallout of two (over)working parents, single parent families, oober scheduled kids is that the rules of society have fallen by the wayside. My favorite rule to date is when someone asks you a question in conversation, you return the favor. It is interesting when you start observing humans in action. How many times do you ask someone - child or adult, How is your day? and get the answer Fine, great, sucky, whatever and he/she walks on by. These "rules" all seem to be part of how human beings interact with one another respectfully that just isn't demanded or even expected anymore. Yes... it is just one more thing to add to the list of what to teach but it will make the difference between our kids being respected, appreciated and employed in their lives that lie before them.

Thursday, September 15, 2005
The generosity of parents
Part of my back to school night preparation was spent on creating a wish list for the classroom. I have always believed that parents will do whatever they can to help if you just tell them what you need. So this year I finally took the time to do it and the results have been shocking. I chose a variety of price ranges and to date there is only one item left on the list. The funniest one was the small CD boombox I wanted for PE. I really didn't think I'd get one but it was worth a shot. I walked past one of my parents this morning before school wished him a good morning and he didn't even look at me - not unusual for this guy. Then in less than 5 minutes he walked in my room, gave me the boombox complete with remote and extra batteries and then was gone again. I walked out to pick up my class. Another mom said she wanted to get the boombox for us. I had to laugh as I told her that Mr. G. had just given us one. She took the next to last item from the list - a subscription to Zoo books and said if LW's grandmother didn't come through with a carpet remnant she would buy a rug for the room. The idea of the wish list is to keep it going all year but I'm not sure what else I could ask for... Amazing!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Funny thoughts
Today had its funny moments...

As I explained a math problem to my VI kid - each student put 2 blocks into the box; there are 19 students here today; how many blocks are in the box? After doing some thinking she came to me and said, Miss Allen, "How about I just say there are 20 kids instead?" Yeah, that would be easier to solve wouldn't it?

Then there was the girl who wants me to come and see her soccer games on Saturdays. She is frustrated because she keeps forgetting to bring me her schedule. So finally she said, "Does my mom have your cell phone number?" Ah this is the next generation...

And then finally this one. After giving my presentation at Back to School Night, one of the dads asked me where I got my degree. I don't know if he was trying to hit on me or just couldn't believe that I had one! His face completely changed when I asked him which one he wanted to know about. When the word masters came out of my mouth he had nothing more to say. Why is it that the dads ask all those weird questions?

Monday, September 12, 2005
Professional development
Noyce training! Yahoo. Yes I know how weird I am I am thrilled to be able to grow professionally as a teacher. I was offered a position in the Advanced training for writing workshop being presented at Ponderosa this year. I will have 3 days during the year to learn and discuss more about my great love of teaching writing. My kids are beginning to think a little deeper about writing. They are more in charge of the discussions and eager to get their ideas up on the charts that we create. Today's work was on what good writers do after they finish a piece. It was interesting to note their focus on conventions. They have this feeling that writing is about correct spelling, capital letters and punctuation. When I think about how BIG the world of writers' craft is, I want to laugh at this tiny piece that kids focus on. It's definitely what they have heard at home and it's also something they can have control over. If there's a rule for it, they can master it. But this whole idea of making writing come alive for the reader is not so easy for a 7 year old to get a handle on.

Friday, September 09, 2005
All the other stuff
One of the advantages of coming back to Sutter was that I could cruise by on the weekends and do lesson plans or prepare activities for the coming week. Of course this can also get old when you suddenly realize that you are spending all your free time at school. This week I attempted to do a little more prep before and after school hoping to avoid the weekend visit. Unfortunately, it was a 4 day week so I started off at a deficit. I worked for 10 hours today, including lunch and still am not ready for Monday. I need at least another hour to be ready for those little cuties to walk through the door. ...get out the letters for spelling, write the words for the word wall, finish copying the packet for Tuesday's Back To School Night, outline my schpeel for the parents, papers to correct, forms to fill out for kids in counseling, and label the reading folders. Although I love my job it can become overwhelming at times. So what's the problem? That great Writerly Life curriculum I was writing about yesterday... each week I read through the lessons, imagine me teaching each one, then modify them to fit my kids. The social atmosphere of Sutter... The friendly atmosphere does put a crimp on getting work done even though I get there at 7:00. This week there were extra greetings surrounding my bicycle. It seemed that every morning someone was driving in the parking lot as I was parking my bike and shared their feelings about biking or gas prices. Then there was the planning meeting on Wednesday after school, an impromptu level meeting before school, prayer group. A few minutes here, a few there and suddenly the week is over with a list of things remaining to be done before the new week begins. I am still counting my blessings because I am lucky enough to have a job that is also my passion. But I wonder if the common person realizes everything that goes into that generic term that teachers call "lesson plans."

Thursday, September 08, 2005
An interesting writing lesson
As a part of the Noyce group, Sutter has access to the Every Child a Reader/Writer curriculum. The Writerly Life study has recently been updated. Most of the lessons have remained unchanged but a new one has been added that had be smiling the minute I read it. I knew it was going to be memorable! It is an explicit teaching of how to approach writing conferences both as a teacher and student. Now, I have done several versions of a mini lesson that address this topic - modeling with a carefully selected student and charting the important parts of a conference. But I never thought of modeling and allowing each student to practice this skill. Yes, that's right. Everybody gets a partner and takes turns being the teacher and then the student in the writing conference. The goal of this lesson is to make the student conferences more productive. So when the teacher asks, "How's it going?" you get something more than, "Fine." There were so many times during the lesson that I just wanted to laugh out loud as I watched my students emulating me but they were all "teachable moments." I couldn't walk past any of them with out stopping and commenting on the fabulous job they were doing as teacher. I watched kids tell their "student" the correct spelling of they, how they could get feeling into their writing or paint a picture for the reader. Then there was the group having a discussion about what to do when you know what you're going to write about, you start writing and then suddenly you forget what you were going to write. I could hardly stand it. But I just said in my teacher voice, "That is a great question. Let's talk about that when we come back to the carpet to share." So, of course the end result of the lesson is what happens when you then have a conference with a student about their writing. So I had my regular conferences. The first student response to "How's it going?" was, "Well I'm having a little problem with this piece." (Success!) The next 2 were "Fine..." As I internally groaned, I asked the follow up, "Tell me about your writing." And my final student responded with her automatic "Fine" and then interrupted her own thinking with, "I mean, I want you to help me tell this story about when I had strept throat in pre-school." The end result was that I had my first conference with a primary student about telling a story from another perspective. She laughed out loud when I told her of my recent writing of a letter I wrote to Milo's parents from his perspective. Yet, another reason that teachers of writing must write!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The numbers of teaching
No Child Left Behind...
API...
AYP...
Meeting subgroups' targets...
Locating and filling the gaps...
Yes, these are the mathematical equations of current public education. Meeting standards is an important part of teaching as is some sort of an evaluation process. But I am always struck by the fallout of the annual review of STAR testing. We start with the positive but somehow that gets forgotten with all the highlighting, circling and recording of numbers. Experienced teachers end up looking like they were just hit by a truck. Yes, there is always more we can be doing to improve the delivery of instruction. But these are human beings we're dealing with and young humans at that. A piece of this has to be attributed to human nature. Humans get scared, they freak out, they get tired. Everything children learn is not represented on the STAR test. There are no numbers to represent the love of learning that is born in the primary classroom, the social skills involved in working and living within a classroom community, or the relationships that grow between teacher and child that lasts a lifetime. As teachers, it is important to keep everything in balance. The numbers are important but so are the faces that rest in front of those little brains we are testing, scoring, and evaluating. The faces that record what's happening on the inside - feelings of self worth, pride in each attempt, the beaming smile that comes from the eventual success, and trusting the classroom where it is safe to take risks.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Biking to work
I have decided that one way I can not only save lots of money on gas but also improve life on plant Earth is to ride my bike to work. I invested in a good bike and made my trial run yesterday. My initial plan was to ride twice a week but it went so well that I thought, "Heck! Why not try this every day? I don't know how long I'll keep up my momentum but day one is in the books. I was so excited about this new leaf that I kept waking up during the night last night and thinking about it. Finally morning arrived. I did all my before school things and then put Jack outside. He was quite surprised to see me follow him and get on my bike with my backpack on! I took off down the street with a smile on my face. I was cruising along down Homestead, stopped at the stoplight and watched carefully as a guy was turning into the intersection. Evidently he thought he could beat me. As I put on my brakes he looked up and waved me on with a rather sheepish "I'm sorry" grin on his face. Note to self: I must remain completely aware of what everyone on the road is doing. My life depends upon it. There will be no early morning cell phone conversations with Christine any longer. A few blocks down the street I was suddenly struck with the fact that my arms were getting very cold. This is slightly comical because just last night Bill and I had discussed the need for a jacket in the winter. No! There is a need for a jacket now. My next observation was how friendly everyone is when you're on a bike. The dog walkers all greet you with a robust "Good morning." Is it because they are slightly embarrassed with their attire - robes and slippers? I arrived safe and sound at school within 15 minutes and got several approving smiles from my co-workers. My favorite one was the lady who said, "That's great. I rode my bike to school once." Funny! Then people started questioning me about whether my bike was safe locked in the bike rack. Good grief. What will they think of next to worry about? Yes, my bike is safe and sound. I am in one piece. I have appropriate clothes to wear that will take me from biking to teaching. I put shoes in my backpack for school. Yes, I was a little chilly but I did not freeze. And it seems that I have the energy to ride home. It feels great to be getting some easy exercise that didn't need to be planned or paid for!

Friday, September 02, 2005
The PE Teacher
Let me add yet another item to my resume. Not only am I a recent devotee to teaching real art as opposed to my previous arts and crafts instruction, but now it seems that I am also about to become somewhat adept at teaching real PE. Oh yes, I have taught PE before - morning walk/jog around the playground, kickball, basketball, soccer, and other games of the sort. But never have I done the warm-up, stretch, work out and cool down system that I have always known defines healthy physical activity. The 1st and 2nd grade teachers have been in-serviced on a new program that is as easy to use as a Betty Crocker cookbook. So I found lesson #1 in the binder and with the help of Marleas, my PE team leader, assembled my materials and headed for the field. In reflecting on this simple 30 minute lesson I am stunned by the amount of energy it takes to teach something new. I was constantly looking back at my clipboard for what I was going to do or say next. I felt like a brand new teacher again. It was hilarious watching my kids in such a different environment. The more energetic ones release all inhibitions and seem to fly around the designated area. I have already learned that the most important part of PE instruction has nothing to do with muscles, strength or movement. It is incorporating a set of signals for the simple purpose of following directions. My whistle is my best friend!

Thursday, September 01, 2005
Kindergarten woes

This was the first full day of the new kindergarten schedule. The teachers came into lunch visibly shaken. It is all so wrong. Wrong for the kids, wrong for the families, wrong for the teachers, wrong for our future. We are putting 30 4 and 5 year olds in a class with one adult and expecting them to come out on the other side reading at a level 3, writing a simple story and beginning to add and subtract. It's just not going to happen. And it's all in the name of the almighty dollar. Because the state will continue to fund this system and call it 20 to 1, we say terrific and hold out our hands. But what slips through our fingers is all the possibilities - children who value literacy, who create a classroom community, whose needs can be addressed, and whose first school experience will be the best of their lives. I am so sad for everyone involved and pray that this is a one year event.

But on the positive side, I was greeted by several of my old students today. I guess they finally figured out who that familiar face was that kept walking into their old classroom. They realized why I was smiling and waving at them. They came by my room one after the other. Do you remember me Miss Allen? I discovered a great cover. I say "of course I do," hug them and ask them who their new teacher is. In the meantime I look them dead in the eye and listen oh so carefully to their voice as they respond. And sure enough, the first grade face flashes in front of the 4th/5th grade student standing before me. What an honor, to be a part of this community, to be so loved and respected.


Aug. 31st, 2005 @ 08:25 pm August 2005
Hot, hot, hot
Despite the sweltering heat, it was a very high energy day. Maybe it was the sexy leopard tank top and slinky black skirt I decided to wear. Nah, it was probably that huge 1st day of school oatmeal cookie that I could no longer resist and ate before school started! So my kids saw the hyper Miss Allen come out for the first time. I love watching their faces when they first realize that teachers can be funny.

The routine finally sank in for me today. I am finding my rhythm even though I teach reading followed by math and writing isn't until after lunch. It wasn't easy allowing myself out of the integrated language arts box but I refuse to short change writing as a result of all the other scheduled subjects - computers, library, science and PE. It was the only block of time that even came close to being an hour. I can already see the writing taking off. 2 of my kids took out an extra notebook at lunch to write and draw at recess. And I just started conferences today! We are creating a community of writers where it is safe to put yourself out there and share the heart of who you are. Each year it becomes easier for me to share my writing with the strangers that we are the first few days of school because I know the power of that modeling. I read the pieces that show my vulnerability and make it OK to be scared or embarrassed, trusting the empathy that human beings have for each other, even at the tender age of 7.

The kids' personalities are coming out now. They don't feel like a group any longer but individuals who have different strengths and needs. I no longer see the sibling in the current student's face. So far they are respectful of the gifts they see in one another. That has become more and more a part of my speech pattern in the classroom. We are melding together into a team.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Differences between schools
My return to Sutter was a conscience choice but I have become aware of some very subtle differences that were not part of the decision made last spring.

English is the language of choice - Wow! It sure makes the beginning of school go smoothly when the children understand what you're saying. The "deer in the headlight" gaze is still very common but it is a result of the new voice saying the same old things that sound somewhat familiar. Oh yeah I remember about just right books. I do recall something about what good writers do.

The second language is Frog talk. When things are looking shaky, you can just mention Frog Jump and everybody perks up.

Blonde hair. It was quite a joke that a couple years ago I had all the blonde boys so you could always see my class coming. But you should see my class now. For some reason I have a harder time telling the blondes apart. Am I prejudice? I just shout out one of their names and watch to see who turns his head.

I am getting more exercise. Room 6 was such a cushy location - right next to the office and its amenities, the cafeteria was just seconds away and I was close to the parking lot for quick get aways. Now that I am back in room 9 I am stunned at the miles I am putting on - to the office before school, to the playground and back at recess, again at lunch and finally the return at afternoon recess. This doesn't even take into account the times I walk over there, forget something and make the trip again. Maybe I'll actually lose some weight this year.

A longer work day. I still go to work in the early morning hours but I stay much longer. Part of it is the social nature of Sutter. Another piece is the format of the school. I look out my window and see others hard at work. It is harder to walk away from the piles and head for the parking lot when there's no real reason to leave. And I suppose the last piece is my desire to grow again. I don't blame anyone but myself for my stagnation of the past few years and I can't wait to get my feet back into reading and writing workshop. I want to reflect, I want to challenge myself, I want to think deeply about how to teach to the best of my ability.

Monday, August 29, 2005
First day
The first day of the new school year is now a thing of history. I have to admit that I am a little tired and my voice is a little scratchy from all that talking. My kids are a very interesting mix. I have the cute, sweet, perfect girls, the boys whose hands haven't held anything small in several months, and the teacher's assistant who could run the room if I were absent. But the funniest group is the chatty males. I don't know that I have ever had a first day filled with so many boys' voices. Are they just used to running the show at home or are we enculturating our boys to talk more? I'm sure this year will be full of many firsts as I am teaching a totally blind student. When I greeted her in line before school she said are you Miss Allen? Yes I am. Are we going to laugh? Evidently she had been informed by the Vision teacher that I was quite funny! Later in the day as I was attempting to load her Braille machine she informed me that her dad knew how to fix them. That one wasn't too good on my self esteem. She impressed us all by identifying about half the class by their voice alone. This amazed me as there is very little difference in the pitch or tone of a second grader's voice regardless of size or gender. I look forward to many more of these aha moments. The day went well and I am left with a slight high. I am back in my comfort zone and ready to grow again.

Sunday, August 28, 2005
Time
I have accidentally discovered an obsession I have that has effected my life in many different ways-the awareness of time. I have always worn a watch but for some reason, one day this summer I forgot to put it on after my shower. It has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I have loved just being present to whatever it is I'm doing. It has changed my whole perception of the world. It really doesn't matter what time it is while I am shopping or hiking or even just pulling weeds. I discovered that I use a watch to not only tell me what time it is right now but also to plan out what I will do next. "It is 11:20, I will keep doing this for another 20 minutes and then I will do the next thing on my mental list." As a result I was not involved in my life - just a time keeper for it. Up until this morning I also kept a daily calendar in the window that I would change every morning. This was more of the same obsession. Why do I want to start my morning with "What day is it?" instead of enjoying the first sights that the day has to offer. I am learning more every day about what it means to stay in the moment. I am present to whatever I am involved with. I now care more about the events of my life because I am choosing how much time I spend on them. If I don't enjoy them I don't do them, but if I do I spent the amount of time I desire . My social relationships are becoming stronger (or weaker as the case may be). I no longer live my live in 30 minute increments. Now, part of this obsession may come from teaching young children. They CAN'T do anything for more than 30 minutes at a time. My plan is to return to school tomorrow without a watch. There are clocks and bells and whistles throughout the day so I am quite sure I will be kept aware of the time when I need to be! And who knows... it may carry over into my teaching. Do I really need to spend 30 minutes a day on spelling? If we're ready to move on, why fill those precious minutes with anything but my best teaching?

Friday, August 26, 2005
Almost ready

My classroom is almost ready. The translation for that for non-teachers is my room is totally ready but I'm feeling nervous. So I'm sure that I'll go down to school this weekend and muck about for a couple hours and it will end up looking exactly like it does now. It is interesting that no matter how long I do this the feelings of insecurity start creeping in about now. The crux of it today's concern was that parents will look in my room and compare it to the other 2nd grade teachers. But I totally refuse to put up "cute" just to take it down again when the real teaching begins. I did get a lot done today amidst our first level meeting and socializing with my old friends. The level meeting went much better than expected. I had 2 issues to address. We all compromised on the homework packet and they were actually excited about the spelling program I suggested. I thought that would be a huge battle and I would end up going my own way. Interesting. After school I had another paper to deal with on the refinancing. I faxed it back but they didn't get it. So that may mean a trip to Saratoga to give my old lender permission to share my information with the title company. Silly.

Kathy and I had our weekly walking date today at the park across the street from Don Madsen's house. He bought a condo in north San Jose. It was so cute to see how excited he is about home ownership. I had always wondered why he rented that apartment for so many years. Well , it seems he had made so much money he HAD to buy something. He served us fruit and peach ice tea and showed off all his new Apple stuff. I was reminded once again of how great it is when people discover their passion and it turns out to be their job.

Thursday, August 25, 2005
3 days and counting

Yes there are but three days left before school begins. I have spent so much time being happy about my return to Sutter that I haven't really focused on school. We got out class list today; I should say tonight and I have 3 siblings from my previous stint at Sutter. Now it is real. These are families that know my work! The children are coming and I had better get my head together. Tomorrow will be a serious work day. I have a pretty good idea of my weekly schedule and after today have another view of teaching PE. We had a great in-service from SPARK - excellent curriculum that is ready to teach on day 1. I love it! After the training Marleas and I went out and finally celebrated our birthdays - a bottle of Kendall Jackson and some munchies at The Fish Market. Yum! I have really missed her this summer. It is so great that she will be teaching with us! I will see her every day. We cruised by Sutter after dinner and helped Christe set up her room and chatted with some parents hanging out for the Kindergarten ice cream social. I am so happy to be back in such a strong parent community. I have missed that collaboration between school and home that makes the difference in a child's success. Then I came home to paper work that needed to be faxed for the refinancing of my house. I am doubtful that it will go through before September 1 but who knows... And then my father will also be my lender. Weird!

Aug. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:48 am
What is family
As the end of summer knocks loudly on the door I have taken time to reflect on the recent events and travels of my life. One word reverberates in my head – Family. This summer has been totally dedicated to family in a variety of experiences beginning with Maria and Bill’s wedding and ending with my trip to see Grandpa. So I have been thinking a lot about what that word family conjures up for me. According to Mr. Webster it is a group defined by parents and their children. This is certainly where it all begins but it becomes so much more as the years go by.

My own definition of family came from my parents and grandparents in a very dissimilar setting from the one I find myself in today. The Midwest still maintains many agrarian beliefs and customs. A strong and physically close family is one of its mainstays. Every holiday meant a huge meal at Grandma Allen’s house with people and food overflowing. It also meant a visit to Grandma Larson’s in one form or another. My dad and uncle worked together during my entire childhood and Grandpa was never far away. We lived within walking distance to my aunt and uncle for most of my life. So the Allen way of living has defined me from the very beginning. It was also the beginning of my definition of in-laws. My Grandma Larson never respected my dad and no matter what he did her opinion could not be changed. Because of the events of my mother’s childhood, the Weatherill side of me never really developed. I never even met my Grandpa Gus until I was a teenager. I can remember watching my aunt and uncle’s in-laws together and wondering how the parents of two children could become such good friends. Weren’t they supposed to be jealous of one another? Paul and Arma Jo’s parents not only ate together on holidays, they vacationed together for years. It was fascinating for me to watch them.

My parents began the creation of a new definition of family when they decided to move to Florida. My sister was already living in Oregon. At the time my brother had other issues which caused a severe split and that left only me in the way of their dream. That was easily solved by deciding on college in Florida. Now the family no longer fit the Iowa definition. And since that time I have wrestled with figuring out “family.” Holidays always contain tears for those I am separated from. My short stay in Texas was completely about family. It was a good place to mark the end of my marriage but I was really looking for my own definition of family and home. Maybe if I was in the middle of my parents, my brother and my children I could make it work. But that was not the answer either. My children are the ones who made me realize what family is for me. My heart was broken without them and somehow my love for them has made California my “home.”

In the intervening years my family has taken on new faces and the meaning has continued to change. Despite our marital status, Ralph is definitely family. He may know me better than anyone else on this earth. The Ferraros, Carters and Bundts have each added to my experience and definition of family. Once again I am struck by the ways that in-laws can enhance the family experience. We have been blessed to be so close physically that we can gather for birthdays, holidays and the big events in our lives. I know that may not always be true but I am grateful for what I have had up until now.

So what is family? Yes it is children and their parents. It is unconditional love that first appears in the shape of a helpless infant. You can’t help but pick that love up, hold it close and never really let it go. It is the emotional support necessary to keep us afloat in the challenging times and it is the raw joy shared in the successes of our lives. My parents have taught me that it is also the kick in the pants to help you stand on your own because it is only in true autonomy that we realize the importance of both roots and wings. My grandfather’s lessons are many. Family is being there when times are tough. He has been there for me through it all. It’s not about words, it’s about presence both physical and emotional. My definition is not and will never be complete because like my life journey, my experience of family is always changing. As its numbers grow through marriage and birth, it is also shrinking through death. The bonds of family are strengthened through shared love and communication. Family is simply shared love through and among the generations. It cannot be extinguished. And like love, family carries us through the mountains and valleys of life and lives forever in our hearts.

Jul. 19th, 2005 @ 08:26 pm
Relax refresh, rejuvenate
I'm sure I say this every summer but let me say it once again. I love summer vacation. I just feel that as the years go by I get better and better at "relaxing." Every year my foggy image of retiring becomes just a little bit clearer. I can remember when I first started teaching that I wondered what other teachers did all summer long if they weren't teaching summer school. I couldn't imagine what I would do all day long to fill up the time. And now it just seems to zip by. I still wake up early but my days move in slow motion. Breakfast, read the paper, sometimes do the crossword puzzle and sometimes get to whatever is on my mind - painting something, writing/reading, gardening, walking. Oh the choices seem endless. Maybe having a dog is part of the solution. They are really good at playing, walking, and napping.

This all seems to morph into another observation I have made. I lead this totally bucolic existence. Me and the dog and sometimes the cat shows up. I weed and water. I find little projects around the house to busy myself with. I meet my friends for coffee, lunch, a walk or a movie now and then. I chat with Christine almost daily. I e-mail my friends and parents. Life is sweet. But then there are people around me whose lives are in constant turmoil. Why is that? I haven't done anything to earn this peaceful life. Maybe it has something to do with reincarnation. I have no doubt that I am a young soul so maybe I'm resting up for what is to come - or what was. Whatever the case, I send out my peaceful energy into the world.

Now that I have gone on about how easy my life is, I bare in mind that this is the final week of it. Next week I go back to school - San Jose State for Arts in the Classroom 8:30 - 4:30 every day. Then it will be one thing after another until it finally ends with me standing in front of 20 new 2nd graders. And so I promise myself to live each moment fully and to take a piece of this peaceful existence with me into the coming months.

Jun. 14th, 2005 @ 08:28 pm
Endings
The school year is coming to an end as is my short career in Alviso. I am thankfully being granted my transfer back to Sutter. This ending has not been easy and I knew it wouldn't be from my first day there. The principal is very disappointed and is showing it as any middle schooler would - not looking at or speaking to me (until she had to today). That means I went to the end of year party last weekend at HER house, pass her in the hall numerous times a day, share bus duty with her in absolute silence. Luckily I have Tyler to laugh with about it. I will miss him. Yesterday I was bit by one of my students dogs on the thumb - a fuckin chihuahua - and today for what I hope is my final sad Alviso experience I had to file a CPS report. Yep! First thing this morning one of my little friends was crying a different kind of cry. I am happy to have the trusting relationship with my students that I do but couldn't I just take her home with me for a bit? Sad, sad, sad.

Jun. 10th, 2005 @ 11:46 am
Aging parents
I have returned from my road trip with my parents with many new observations and feelings. Some of them are quite novel and others are extremely sad.

I have either learned how to talk/argue with my parents are they are mellowing. Now anyone who knows the Allens will be laughing. Mellow and Allen are 2 words that don't fit together very well but that appears to be what is happening. Being confined in a car for a total of 3 days, we hit all the familiar topics; undocumented workers, Bush, liberals, California "nuts", gays, religion, divorce - but it was different this time. They said their piece, I said mine and it was over. My observation is this: They have either realized I'm not going to change or it's not worth the fight anymore. The exception to this appears to be topics they don't really understand - global warming and hybrid automobiles. Ignorance of such topics appears to lead to endless spouting of unintelligible phrases from the conservative doctrine. Ah well. I will just focus on the positive and enjoy this new era we have entered.

The most amazing part of the entire week was the compliments they paid me. Yes. Compliments. Your house looks great. The flowers are beautiful. You've really made the house your own. I'm proud of you. It went on and on. And each time I waited for the "but." My mom and dad have often told me how proud they are of what I have accomplished - standing on my own, Masters degree, financial stability but never have they seen it in the details around them. I kept waiting for the insult, the criticism, the other shoe to drop. But all I saw were tears in their eyes. Mom took pictures of the garden, Dad went on and on to Grandpa during his Saturday night phone call about how great the house looks. They seem to have stopped "seeing" the negative view. How did that happen? Was it the 3 year interval since they've been here or was it the heart surgery that served as a wake up call?

Watching them and relating to them has taken on a bit of a sad note. They are approaching the end of their lives. There's will not be a 90+ lifespan as that of my grandparents. They are fading. Mom barely gets around - unless of course there is a picture to be taken with they digital camera of hers. Dad is suddenly aware of what he can no longer do. They are easily confused by the technological era and willingly take advice and suggestions from their children and grandchildren. This is uncharted territory for all of us. Family has taken on new importance for them and for me.

I also am aware of all the things they can no longer do and I grieve the loss. Today I heard The Tennessee Waltz and remembered all the times my father would jump out of his seat and drag Mom onto the dance floor. Now my father was never a great dancer but he loved that song and would sing aloud as he attempted to waltz with the great love of his life. I wonder if the last time they did that, they knew it was "the last time." That is a scene that will now only live in my memory. The next time I see my father we need to find the opportunity to dance again before that window is also closed forever.

I have always loved my parents but at times have found it hard to be close to them. It feels a little different now. The day is coming when they will no longer be a part of my life. Of course there is no preparing for such things. I can only say that imagining life without them brings me deep sadness. The choices I make in the next few years will likely bring me in contact with Florida a little more often. My grandfather's birthdays are now a must. My parents' lives and my own will be richer as a result of spending more time with them while I can. Yes, it is the circle of life. And sadness walks hand in hand with joy. The loss of ones parents is inevitable. I only wish for the power to enjoy the moments together that we have left.

May. 21st, 2005 @ 11:44 am
Alcohol
For some reason the universe is sending lots of messages about alcohol into the middle of my path. I have been pondering the definition of alcoholism for the past few weeks. According to my friend Nancy, it is when your drinking interferes with your life - whether that be your job or your relationships. I have been an amazed observer at the journey that she and Frank have taken as they have struggled to keep their lives and marriage together in the midst of alcoholism. And now it would appear that our friend Cindy maybe succumbing to the evils of alcohol as well. My first Al-anon meeting last week shed a little more light on the question and how painful this disease is.

It seems that drinking was just always a given in my childhood. I don't remember it as an everyday thing, it was just there. I never experimented with it until college and then did what every 18 year old does with no parental authority. I saw lots of people who drank incredible amounts of alcohol but nothing like I saw last night. Somehow I have temporarily found myself in the "in" group at Mayne and have been invited out to TGIF at Faultline for the past 2 weeks. That is fine. The group sits around chatting about school stuff, what we think the principal should have done, etc. We have a couple beers and head for home. Well last night AK decided that we should continue our chatting/drinking at HR's house. Whatever... I get over there around 7 and it seems the party has moved to a neighbor's. No problem. I have my last beer of the night and chat. Well all around me it escalates from a couple beers to tequila shots. By the end there is a 24 year old "boy" who is as close to dead or at least unconscious as I have ever seen and a 52 year old peer who is unable to even walk on her own. Personally, I have learned the hard way how much is too much. Vomiting is a great reminder of what your body can and cannot take.

Well this all caused me to think about the power that alcohol seems to have over people. It is fine to forget about your tears and woe but when the muscles in your arms and legs are no longer able to follow impulses from the brain, there is something wrong. Why is it so difficult for people to set limits and follow them when drugs are involved? How does drinking shots become a competition? And how is that defined as "fun?" Watching these two adults' bodies try to fight off the effects of alcohol was incredibly sad. It was clear that they had ingested a poison and the body was going do anything it could to get it out of its system.

Will I go to TGIF next week? I'm not sure... This is what I do know. There are going to be 2 very embarrassed people at school on Monday. Looking back it is interesting to acknowledge the power of watching someone else in a truly drunken stupor. When you are the drunk you don't see how pathetic it is. I don't think I will forget the sad looks on either of their faces for a long time and I will NEVER forget that boy's body heaving on the couch. But even more powerful was the question that repeatedly ran through my brain - is he OK? I actually have never before seen anyone so drunk that I questioned their future on planet earth.

So what does it all mean? It's all part of the puzzle I am putting together not only for Cindy's future but for my own. Alcohol is a deadly drug and must be used with extreme caution. It is clear that some people can handle more of it than others. Know yourself!

May. 16th, 2005 @ 11:42 am
My friend, Ralph
I have finally broken down yet another wall that has been protecting a little piece of my heart. I can now say that Ralph is my friend. Yes, I've used that term to describe him for years but it was always with a bit of hesitancy. I was ever ready to turn and run if and when he ever hurt my feelings. And yes, I had practiced this skill at various times. Saturday was my ah ha moment. He had called and left a message about going to dinner. My first reaction was that I would see him next week at Cats. Now, I would not respond that way to any of my other friends. My inner voice/conscience/guide screamed at me, "Is he your friend or isn't he?" I called and we made arrangements to go out Sunday night. It turned out to be a perfect night with him. Why? Because I let all my defenses down. I shared with him, I let him share at his comfort level; not trying to force or correct his thinking as ex's are prone to do. We were able to joke about our respective families, enjoy old memories that we had shared and just laugh about life. It felt so comfortable,like an old sweatshirt that the minute you put it on, all your pretenses fade away. It is the real you. It is that feeling of being "known." Despite all our trials of the later years, Ralph still knows me better than almost anyone in the world. And I suppose I know him as well as he wants anyone to. We have been through a lot, him and I. It feels good to look down the road and see an open horizon waiting to be painted with pictures of the things that friends do together.

May. 9th, 2005 @ 11:41 am Mother's Day
As I sit here enjoying Maria's leftover picnic brownies and Dave's glorious sunflowers I reflect on the passing of another Mother's Day. We are gifted in life with pain as well as happiness and we grow from each of them. The recurring nightmare of Mother's Day over the past few years has left many sad and painful memories. But it seems that the Mother's Day runaway train may have finally veered off course. There were certainly no signs during the week that it would turn out well. I can't remember a time when I have cried so much. Tears for Dave. Tears for Maria. Tears for the broken dream of happily ever after. Tears for the things I could of, would of should of. I got really good at crying, drying my tears and teaching. But the ugly residue was left behind in lost sleep, throbbing headaches and knotted shoulders. And now as I look back I can see all that has been won. Sharing our hurt and in the process learning more about one another, telling each other our fears and baring the open wounds that still ooze from years of neglect. Relationships are hard work and must be tended with love and care. It takes time and energy - precious resources that are constantly being drained. Each of us has learned how to survive without the others by hardening our hearts. The sun is peeking through and beginning to melt the outer core away. We are learning to talk to each other again about the real things in life.

I am blessed to have two children who can think and feel their way through their journey in this world. Each of these skills is as important as the other. Thought without compassion is cold and barren. And feeling without thought is empty, meaningless. They are both easily hurt by the other because of past experience but they are learning to forget and begin again. To think of what is possible and to feel the hurt slowly slide away as peacefulness overtakes the cold hard sadness of being without each other. They are supported by lovers who will do anything to help them achieve the ultimate goal of happiness. And I stand in the distance just close enough to see them take the beginning step toward one another.

The adult sibling relationship is a challenging one. You both know everything about one another - every mistake you ever made as a child, every goofy teenage blunder. That is knowledge that must be put away so it doesn't interfere in the now. This is not easy stuff. But it is worth the hard work. I thank both Maria and Dave for all the beauty they have brought into my life. I thank Chrysa and Bill for standing solidly beside them,supporting them, loving them. This has been the greatest gift of Mother's Day - to witness the love my children have for me and the deep abiding love they share with their partners.

Apr. 16th, 2005 @ 08:30 pm
My letter to the governor, et al
April 15, 2005 Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, I am a teacher. I love my job. I can’t imagine ever doing anything else. This is my 16th year in the classroom and my enthusiasm for my chosen profession has never waned. I work in a poor neighborhood filled with children who are second language learners. This is an added challenge placed on an already demanding learning curve. As a teacher I have very high standards for my students and because of the relationship we have they do not hesitate to try to achieve them. But teachers can not do it alone. We need counselors, we need nurses, we need administrators, we need secretaries and clerks. And that takes money. Unfortunately the Santa Clara Unified School District has not recovered at the rate of other areas of the state and we are looking at significant cuts in all areas in the coming year. And the state response to teachers is to label us as a special interest group. Well if you call children a special interest then, yes, we fit the bill. I’m not one to complain about my salary and none of us went into teaching for the money. But now we are being asked to fund our own retirement accounts. This is a low blow. We dedicate our very lives to educating the children that will lead us into the future. And what will our future hold? It appears that we must also figure out a way to support ourselves when we no longer have the physical strength to teach. I am not an accountant and have no desire to become an expert in the stock market. I work incredibly hard and deserve to be compensated, if not in salary than with an adequate retirement account. The people of California voted in favor of Proposition 98 to guarantee an appropriate level of funding for our students. We were gracious enough to suspend it so the budget could be balanced. Now things need to be made right again. Spending for schools is not being increased as many people have been led to believe; it is just being repaid the promise of Proposition 98. The state of California is currently ranked 44th in per pupil spending. Our kids are worth more than that. I have often advocated the idea of merit pay because of the time, energy and dedication so many teachers put into their jobs. The reason it has never been attempted is because there is no just way to accomplish this goal. How shall teachers be judged; by high stakes test scores? What about those teachers who are committed to teaching English Language Learners or special education students. Is there a formula to be used to offset the lower scores for children who can not comprehend the California Standards Test? Or perhaps we could make it yet another part of a principal’s job to evaluate his/her teachers and decide the pay of each educator on staff. I am in a quandary as to how this could be accomplished given the mountain of paperwork principals must already process. As it currently stands, the Santa Clara Unified School district will have no elementary assistant principals to manage the day to day running of a school, let alone set a criteria for merit pay. I am a teacher. I love my job. I can’t imagine ever doing anything else. Please help us do our jobs and give our students the necessary tools to go out into the world and lead us into the future. Sincerely, Tere Allen, Santa Clara Unified School District

Apr. 14th, 2005 @ 11:39 am
What have I been doing?
I have not posted to my journal in quite some time. When I ask myself what I have been doing, there is no response. Let me think.

I'm teaching as hard as I can with the upcoming CST testing in mind. I'm even teaching testing - how to fill in a bubble, how to sit for long periods of time, how to think critically about questions that are trying to trick you, and when all else fails how to make a good guess. My observations during this time are filled with fidgety kids who have less and less bladder control, are dehydrated and cannot keep from talking to their neighbors. And my poor Dillon can't seem to decide whether to rub his head or his stomach as he searches around the room looking for help from some unknown location.

I have had the pleasure of a teacher observing my writers workshop for 2 weeks while her student teacher is soloing. It has been fun to talk to her about my great love and to hear compliments about our community of learning in Room 6. I am also reminded that I am a much better teacher when I have someone to talk with about my craft. This all happened to coincide with a trial unit on revising. I have once again been impressed with the big things you can do with little brains. Set the bar high, support them and they will soar over it.

Gardening has filled my weekends - weeding, planting, trimming, turning the compost pile. Spring is in the air and blooming flowers like a magnet pull me outside. Santa Clara clean up took away the concrete from the back and a large portion of the oak tree. Green is a beautiful color but I suppose there can be too much of anything. I have to grudgingly admit the front looks better with the offending branches turned into mulch. Sunshine washes over the lawn and roses and into my window.

Friends and family - hanging out with Cindy, having coffee with Kathy and Diane, talking with Christine, helping Maria and Bill however I can with the wedding stuff, e-mails, phone calls, and just thinking long beautiful thoughts about the people for whom I care deeply.

Attending school board meetings to support our teachers. Tonight was the final town hall meeting and the ax is hanging in the air, ready to drop. But I left all three of those meetings proud to be a teacher. There is just something about listening to high school students defend and protect their teachers' jobs. They are in tune with the heart of it all. And of course there are the emotional speeches by new and old teachers. It is a nice reminder of why I do what I do. It is so important to follow your passion.

So there it is. Nothing really very amazing or exciting. What's coming next? Spring Break! A time to relax, reflect and renew. No road trip or Florida vacation. Just me and the animals hanging out and doing a little spring cleaning.

Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 11:36 am
Creator of My reality
I just finished watching What The Bleep Do We Know, a film that is part fiction, part animation and part documentary on quantum physics. Yes, of course, it was recommended by Bill. I watched it for the first time last night and kept hearing some of those lines in my head all day and knew I had to watch it again to get everything straight. Now I was never a great science student in school but all of a sudden this stuff is just fascinating to me. I'm not sure where to begin. The brain is so incredible. It is highly evolved and capable of processing amazing amounts of information. Yet we can only see what we believe is possible. We tell ourselves what reality is. One of the coolest parts of the movie was the water experiment. The same water in several containers with different labels like Chi of love, thank you, or You make me sick. I'm going to kill you. The molecular structure of water was changed by the mental stimuli of each container. Amazing. Our thoughts can change reality. Every day I choose the experiences that I have and create my reality. We tell ourselves the story of what the outside would is like. The most fascinating part to me was the whole bit on nerve cells and emotions. Emotions are held in the memory just as events are. The brain doesn't differentiate between thoughts, memories or emotions and they all bind together - nerve cells that fire together wire together. So when an emotion is repeated day after day the bind is strengthened. Then as these cells divide they contain more receptor sites for the emotion than receiving nutrients. Aging is simply the result of improper protein production. Wow! Does that then explain how people under stress age more. Can it be undone? Of course. Interrupt the relationship between the nerves and change the result. If I change my mind, I will change my choices. If I change my choices I will change my life. This is big. I can choose to do things that will evolve me or things that will not evolve me. I am constantly changing my destiny. I am the creator.


Mar. 30th, 2005 @ 08:32 pm
Early/Late Wednesday
There is either something wrong with my computer or gmail so I can't waste time reading e-mail while I piddle away the afternoon. It is one of those early dismissal day that turns into a late getting home day because of our teacher in-service so I'll just chat with my journal instead. The meeting doesn't start until 3:00 even though the kids left at 1:30. Oh the rules, the rules... The topic for today? English Language Learners. What else would you want to talk about in Alviso?

My meditation has been helping my attitude at school. And I've been able to do a lot of it the past few days with all my time on the couch. In this moment... In this moment... It feels so good to just be present and not to plan. Especially in times like this when no one can predict the future with any certainty anyway. It is also improving my teaching attitude. What does Suzie need right now? What is the next step my class needs? I'm feeling more positive about Tyler's job. It's more that I can't stand to be depressed for very long. He's a great teacher; he has to be here next year. That just makes sense.

I have also been a little more artistic lately. I am planning on teaching a Georgia O'Keefe flower drawing lesson this week so a little practice was in order. It felt good just to get the art box out of the closet instead of just thinking about it and then realizing it was time for bed. I am a great mental procrastinator. I should..., Later I will... Oh well, too late now...

Things with my old friend the custodian are strained but at least he is keeping his distance. I am sad at the way it has turned out. I am supposing that I have lost a friend but at least I'm out of the mind game business. I'm just no good at that. People need to be honest about their feelings and know when their feelings are inappropriate and then keep them to themselves. So there!

Ah well, I have wasted enough time here. Time to head over for some free knowledge from the learned principal, et. al.

Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 11:28 am
Male/Female Friendships
Is it possible? I am a strong believer that whatever you put out into the universe is what you get back. Somehow the energy of my spirit brings in whatever I may be focusing on. Right now I am obsessed with the idea of partnerships. I see them everywhere. There are good ones – lots of them and there are bad ones. I see people who are happy together and my heart cries tears that are released deep in my gut. Am I here as a mother of 2 glorious children and teacher of many or is there also something out there for me as a woman? So with all this as a background I have developed this friendship with a custodian at school with absolutely no intention in mind. I actually met him at Sutter and it was so wonderful to start my second year at Mayne with a familiar face. Our relationship has gone from a friendly smile to a 5-30 minute chat involving Spanish lessons, memories of Sutter, and funny little jokes. It has suddenly become very apparent to me that he has other ideas in mind. Note to self: Married men are not necessarily “safe.” Why is it that a woman always has to have her guard up for unwanted advances? Where are those platonic relationships between men and women from my college days? I know that part of it is the energy I am putting out into the world. But the last time I checked when someone says “That is inappropriate, it is inappropriate and shouldn’t be repeated. I am sad to say that what used to be a nice friendship is about to end. The sad part is his approach now seems to be I’m sorry, I won’t do that again with no understanding of what “it” is. Now this all is just too close to the downfall of my marriage. Why is this being repeated? My own little personal Groundhog Day...

Mar. 26th, 2005 @ 08:34 pm
Parents of the 00's
I am amazed at the new relationship that parents have with their children. This topic came up at coffee with Kathy and Diane. Yes, we have discussed this many times before. We're teachers. That's what we talk about. I guess it all started with a discussion of the new power that parents have in Catholic schools. The schools are all desperate to keep families that are willing to shell out thousands of dollars to educate their children. The principals don't want to alienate anyone so the parents are running roughshod through the education process. According to Kathy's daughter a parent can call directly into the classroom (Yes, the secretary routes the call) and talk with their child anytime of time. Evidently the teacher answers the phone and says something like, "Suzie, it's for you." Now, for the life of me I can't imagine a scenario where I would need to talk to my child during the school day. I have to say there have been a couple times at Mayne where my teaching has been interrupted by a parent. The secretary's lack of knowledge of the inner workings of Room 6 can frustrate some high maintenance parents. And it is simply quicker and easier for me to deal with it at the moment than have to call back an irate parent. But it makes you wonder. What do these parents think is going on in the classroom between recesses? With all this is mind, I observed an extremely odd situation yesterday. As I watched the first graders going to class at 8:30 I did a little head count and every class had at least 4 parents bobbing along with their kid. But they didn't stop at the door. They walked right into the classroom. Now this is not unusual at the beginning of first grade but by March it has severely slowed down or stopped. I knew this was going on in Room 7 but I was shocked to watch the entire line of students all the way down the hall interspersed with adults. So what is this? Parents are so deathly afraid of their child failing at something or not being perfect they have to be there to protect them every step of the way. They are even involved in 3 or 4 way conversations with their friends in an effort to support them socially. What a huge handicap they are placing on their children; socially andn emotionally. Don't they have jobs or lives of their own to live? So I jokingly admonished the 1st grade teachers that this needs to stop NOW. It will not be pretty in second grade. I'm a teacher because I like dealing with kids, not adults. My conferencing style has changed dramatically during my time at Mayne. To avoid language interpretation problems I am extremely direct. It usually starts with "you need to ..." I can just see me next year about the 2nd week of school with these parents. This classroom has small chairs for a reason. It is made for 7 year olds. If you are older than 7, I'm sure you have a big chair somewhere else!

Mar. 26th, 2005 @ 11:26 am
I'm Back
It has definitely been a while since I posted. That's what happens when I'm teaching personal narrative in my classroom. Now mind you, the stuff I write for 2nd grade is severely edited for all kinds of things - topic, language, internal events, etc. But there have been several things worthy of journaling for grown-ups so, let the Saturday writing workshop begin.

I think I will begin with jumpin Jack flash. He has developed an interesting/weird/befuddling behavior. Jack is always looking for new toys that previously served a functional purpose in the world. His favorite is shoes, clothing, junk mail or actually anything he can get in his mouth, run through the house and shake repeatedly. He also likes to play with living organisms like cats. He enjoys the game of dodging the flying paw with claws outstretched. He will swat at Max, attempt to bark at him to entice him to play the game and pounce repeatedly in front of him so it looks like a doggie dance. Well he has now discovered another animal with which he is attempting to play the same game. Little tiny mice. Yes, that's correct. He goes out at night, cruises around the yard and sometimes hits the jackpot and finds a new friend to bring into the bedroom. He plays the cat game with them - he swats at them, and pounces in front of them repeatedly through the night. It seems the mice are not quite as durable as Max and they barely make it to the break of dawn. I've become very familiar with the dieing cry of mice. It's really not a squeak that they write about in children's literature - I'd call it a barely audible eek. To date this week, the mortality count is 3. My new morning routine now entails checking the bedroom floor for exhausted mice before my feet leave the bed. Jack, of course is very confused by me sweeping away his new friend/toy when they were just getting to know each other. Now the funniest part of all this mayhem is Max. He has nothing to do with these mice. He will walk by sniff the mouse, look at Jack and cock his head as if to say, "I cannot believe you did it again." It is obvious that I will never be bored as long as Jack is hanging around.

Mar. 26th, 2005 @ 11:25 am
Ignorance is bliss
This is a phrase my mother often threw at me during my childhood. Most times I didn't really understand the meaning but I do now. Cindy's daughter is pregnant. Now usually I am thrilled with the idea of new human beings peopling the earth - especially children of liberal parents. I think we could use some backup. But not in this case. S is an 18 year old girl in the literal sense. She is an affective schizophrenic on heavy medication, she has a teeny tiny body, and she needs so deeply to be loved. Yes there's more. She can barely hold down a job because, of course she thinks the boss is conspiring against her. She is living with a 26 year old who is working part time at Old Navy. He was enamored with her beauty and dependency on him. They live with a roommate in a 2 bedroom apartment downtown. Now when I say 2 bedroom that is exactly what it is - no living room - 2 bedrooms, a kitchen and a bathroom. They are currently sleeping on S's old twin bed. When Cindy told me the news on Tuesday 3 words popped out of my mouth. This cannot be. Seeing S last night reminded me of how terribly frail she is both physically and emotionally. And now there is this human life growing inside her womb. How can she physically give him everything he needs. In her burning desire of wanting something to love she stopped taking her medication until Cindy somehow convinced her of how important her own mental health is. Of course Cindy is turbo talking about adoption and getting nowhere. We love this baby and we're going to raise it. We'll get jobs at different shifts. Love is all you need. Oh how I wish that were true. Cindy and I were reminiscing last night that we both had college degrees, were considered, at least by society to be somewhat normal, had planned for our first child, were not working, had money and nice houses and it still was not a walk in the park. What will this be like for S and A and their new baby? Then we moved onto a new question. It is fairly easy to give up a child for adoption at birth? What happens if a month, 6 months, 9 months down the road you realize you can't give this child everything he needs to be a happy healthy human being? Do you have to abuse or neglect him before the state will come in and shake their finger at you? Or can you just walk in to the office and say "I can't do this?" Cindy's going to chat with Arnold about this new child care issue:) And in the meantime I would ask for everyone's positive energy and prayers for this new life that is becoming.

Mar. 14th, 2005 @ 11:17 am
Moment by Moment
This journey that is called life is so fascinating. I am so happy to have given up control of it. The ride is a lot more fun when you don't know what breathtaking vista may be around the next curve. I have finally taken the next step into the rest of my life. I put my profile on Beliefnet in search of my soul mate. And lo and behold I was sent a "spark" that turned into a week's worth of e-mails and my first "date" in literally decades. Now I have to be honest and say that when I got the spark my stomach lurched and my mantra suddenly became "I can't do this. I'm not ready." Until reality set it and bumped them out with "I thought this was what you wanted." It turns out that BL and I have many things in common: confusion about Texans, family members who reside in Iowa, and a great love for nature. That was all fine and then he mentioned that he taught at Mitty. Well that opened up another whole world of connections. The ironic part is the similarities he has with Ralph. They are both Italian, balding, history teachers (for the time being), and lost their father at a young age. Wacky! Our e-mails were getting more and more comfortable. We were both taking a stab at mild humor that was hopefully not being misinterpreted. I was thinking, hmmm, another week or so and maybe we'll meet for coffee or a weekend breakfast or lunch. And then he tossed out the dinner card. Once again that flippy stomach appeared out of nowhere. It is a funny thing to be 50 and relive the feelings from your 20's. So I am going out on a school night and entering into unknown territory. I feel totally safe, and yet totally out of my element. That's OK. The first step of learning is that incongruity that occurs when what you thought you knew might not be true. I knew I'd be nervous but I didn't expect the butterflies. I'm slowly making friends with them and welcoming them into my being. Everything now has become a moment. How do I feel this moment? What am I thinking? What do I think about that thought? That is not to say that my mind doesn't wander into "What if..." territory. But I carefully bring it back and remind it that we only have this moment. Not the one Wednesday night or next month or next year. And in this moment I am thrilled to be opening my heart to someone new who may become a friend, a love, a future.

Mar. 12th, 2005 @ 08:35 pm
Leaving a mark on the world
Today was the Young Writers Exposition for SCUSD. Each time I see parents and "old" students from Sutter I am so touched by their affection for me. They see me from a distance and the warmth that shines through their eyes radiates directly into my heart. They are so proud of the new work they have done, they can't wait to show it to me. Even though I have been gone for 2 years their devotion has not waned. Today I saw CG and her family before going into the room I was leading. I had to stop and read her book as she proudly presented it to me. My group finished a few minutes early so I quickly darted over to Sutter's room and heard CG talk about her book. The teacher asked her when she first got interested in writing. And there it was... "In first grade, Miss Allen taught me how to write." First grade teachers don't get the adults who come back to their high school teachers and tell them how great he/she was or how he/she changed their lives but some sort of mark is left nonetheless. These little children are led into the world of literacy and doors are opened wide. They can read about people and animals who think as they do and be validated. They can be entertained, enlightened and the world suddenly becomes discernible in the eyes of a child. And then the blank pages of a notebook lies before them to be filled with the important things in their world. They write about the things they care most about. Good writing in the early years comes from learning to pay attention. Pay attention to the people in their life, their pets, vacations, and even their teachers. They write and teachers respond. And so the mark is left. It is the smile, the pat on the shoulder, the shine in the eye that tells them they are good at what they do, they are smart and the teacher cares about who they are and who they are becoming. They walk out of our classroom doors and into the world taking with them what we have asked them to believe about themselves.

Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 11:16 am
Some good news
I haven't posted in quite awhile due to exhaustion. I have been working on report cards for hours and hours at school and feel like I have had it when I get home. But I just had to share my good news. I got a message from Daisy's new owner. That's right; Daisy has a new home. I actually almost erased the message because it started off with "Hi Tere, uh you don't know me but uh..." I thought surely it must be a new marketing ploy! He went on to say how happy they were with Daisy in their family. It was just so wonderful to know that she was in a good home, safe and sound. I called him back tonight and thanked him for letting me know where she was. Coincidentally they are friends with one of the employees from Paws Place and she recognized her right away and said, "Isn't that Daisy Allen?" Her new owners are a couple with a 2 year old; mom stays home with the little boy so she has people around her all day. She is good with the kid and of course maintains her space with that loving growl of hers. She hangs out with them and goes everywhere they do in the car. The cutest part of the story was that this guy is so attached to her and then he told me that he didn't even want a dog. His wife talked him into it. They went to the humane society and there were all these dogs barking and yelping and pacing back and forth. And then he saw this cute little black and white dog with her happy face just lying there looking up at him. He was a goner. And so my Daisy Dog takes on yet another life. East San Jose, Santa Clara and now Almaden. Boy she has covered some ground, hasn't she?

Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 11:14 am
Moments of Life
A couple of days ago I got a forward from my aunt that put me in mind of what I was trying to say the other day about living the craft of my life. As with all forwards, I have no idea if the story is true but I certainly hope it is. And even if it isn't, it helps me focus on the moments of my life.

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single
light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers
would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as
their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger,
I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my
assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail,
elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood
before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil
pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one
had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
counters.

In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to
the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I
would want my mother treated".

"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you
drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't
have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like
me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the
building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when
they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse
that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm
tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.

It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway
that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.

They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have
been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me
tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said.

"Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.

Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in
thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to
end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important
in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what
others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT ~
THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send it to ten people.

But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate
by sending it on.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as
well dance. Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is
special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God

Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 08:36 pm
RIF
Where in the world does this seniority power come from in the teaching profession? If we are all about the students we serve, then shouldn't the first teachers to be laid off be those who aren't serving their kids. The ones that roll in at 8:15 and out at 2:30 and never think another thought about their kids until the next day. The ones who see their kids as an interruption in their day. The ones that think the book is god. The ones that haven't had a new idea about how to teach the same old dry curriculum they've been dumping on kids in eons. My sadness about T.V. being pink slipped is slowly simmering into an irritation that may become a letter to someone. He is a second career, first year teacher that is one of the best educators I have ever met. He is smart and dedicated and passionate about teaching and kids. I have found this to be true of so many "new" teachers. They are fresh out of school or subbing and can't wait to get into their classroom and really teach.

There has to be a better way. In the real world people's future are dependent upon their past. Sales positions are based on the sales you make. If a department of a company isn't making it, the department disappears. How in the world can your worth as a teacher be based on how many consecutive days you can drag yourself to work? Yes I am a huge proponent of merit pay and no I don't have the first clue as to how you would do it fairly and objectively. But I know this; it wouldn't be based on test scores. There is so much more to teaching and the relationship with kids than a number on a piece of paper.

And besides that, T.V. is my favorite person at Mayne. Losing him would be like a final nail in the coffin of my time at Mayne. Not only will I probably not get my transfer back to Sutter but I'll have to hang out here without the fun of T.V. Boo Hoo.

Mar. 2nd, 2005 @ 11:12 am
Composting, here I come
I am finally going to do it. I am registered for the free county composting class on Saturday. I am ridiculously excited about this new adventure. I have tried starting my first little "pile" in the backyard. Jack is very curious about this. I keep finding banana peels and other such offerings in strange and unusual places. I probably could do this without the class but given the response I have received from my friends I will need to be armed with lots more information than I currently have. This will put me very close to being a 0 garbage resident of the universe. Yipee!

Mar. 2nd, 2005 @ 11:02 am
The Craft of Life
Life is all about developing your craft. This is a view that has become clear to me in teaching. I have never been one of those teachers that “got it” and sat back to relax. The love I have for my profession comes in the constant search for new and better ways to teach and to touch those people sitting in the desks. Every year I think about a new area that I can focus on. It could be curriculum, relationship with students, parents, or staff, my view of teachers in the world or just where I am on the journey of my profession. I have had years of being a great reading teacher and it has shifted over time to my great love of teaching writing. And I’m sure it will shift once again because I am changing with each moment and each child that touches my life. There is possibility in each moment of my life. When I wake up in the morning the moments that await me could be the most powerful and life changing ones I may ever encounter. It is up to me. No one is going to jump down from the sky and say, “This is it! This is your moment!” I must be present to the possibility of each moment the way I am present to my students’ needs . I am watching and listening for ways I can make someone else’s life more complete. What I say and do to each person I meet may change their view of the world. It may be as simple as a smile or a greeting, or taking the time for a conversation when I have “things” to do. I walk away more whole and with a new piece to the puzzle that is the me being made. I am constantly in process, becoming who I am yet to be. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a thinking person. A thinking person looks at life and asks why. The why is more important that the what or the how. The why defines me. One person can change the world with what he/she thinks and does. Every decision I make no matter how mundane has the potential to change the course of events. I can watch a student throw a piece of paper in the trash and choose whether to remind him/her that it needs to be recycled. My day is full of these little decisions that become huge in the circle of life. I am blessed to play this role but I do not belittle the part I play simply as one person in the universe. Every decision I make about what I wear, eat or purchase has an impact on the world. My new question is what is life expecting from me? I am not here to take and collect things from the world. I am not expecting anything from life. I am here to give back. The power of one is huge. And so I take my craft of work into my craft of life.

Feb. 28th, 2005 @ 08:39 pm
Teacher vent
I just have to vent for a minute about my principal. This morning I was greeted with 2 of my students' published books that had been submitted for the district Young Authors Exposition. The principal wanted the covers to be redone before sending them on to the district. She wanted the first one to be made more "presentable." OK fine. It could have looked better. But the other one she wanted redone because the word field was misspelled. The title was Field Trip Adventure. I wasn't concerned about it because it was definitely decipherable and appropriate for second grade. Field is not a high frequency word and the i-e combination to spell the long e sound isn't exactly common. She could at least have given her credit for spelling adventure right! The part that irritates me is that this principal has been pushing writers workshop big time all year. One of the main tenets is process not product. Writing, especially in the primary grades is very development. It is a long process for a child to achieve standard spelling. I knew what EN's face would like when I told her so I was completely honest. I told her it was fine with me but Mrs. S. wanted her to redo the cover. That brought a smile to her face. She had finished the cover within the first 10 minutes of school. I purposely sent her with the book to the office so the principal would have to compliment her on her work. But of course she wasn't there. Surprise! Surprise!

Feb. 27th, 2005 @ 11:00 am
Picking Your Parents
I am in the middle of a metaphysical book that has brought up an interesting topic. We choose our parents to help us learn lessons necessary for our spiritual evolution. The first time I heard of this notion was from Vickie several years ago. Well, Mike and I got a good laugh out of that. Let's see if we picked our parents, what would it be for... access to alcohol in the teen years?

Well as I enter into this new era with my parents I am thinking more and more about this. I would have chosen them to be my teacher for something my spirit was in search of. Until last year I looked at my parents as being 2 people in 1 body. But my mother is finally letting herself be revealed to me. My father remains the dominant part of the equation so most of my reflection is on him.

Humbleness. We lived a very simple life. Our needs were met but just barely. 4 kids in 5 years was no picnic for anyone.

Connection to the earth. There was always a big garden full of fresh vegetables and beautiful flowers.

Creating things with your hands. My dad has beautiful houses that he can stand back and admire and say I built that. My mom used to sew and crochet. I'm still working on this. I love crafty things and am so envious of artists who can create great works of beauty with seemingly little effort.

Dealing with death or refusing to face it depending on your perspective. This could have been a great lesson in strength if so many of us had not suffered so deeply in the process.

Opinionated, self-assured and bull headed. This is the clincher. My parents don't back away from sharing their views with anyone. They are not afraid of losing relationships because of it. Life has taught them to stand up for what they believe no matter the cost. And it has paid off. They still have Mike and I in their life despite the difficulties they put us through during our teen years and later divorces, Jenna comes and goes but the door is still open, and my mom had her siblings once again before they started dieing. The lesson here is to say it and believe it but not to allow your heart to harden because of your viewpoint. You always want a place for people to come home to if they can forgive the hurt feelings. Here is where "class" begins for me. I have my opinions but will sometimes keep them to myself fearing the loss of important people in my life. I'm not about to start calling people nasty names as has been taught me by my parents... We'll just see where this new awareness leads.

Then this makes me wonder about my children and the parents they chose. What were they hoping to learn to take with them on their spiritual journey?

Feb. 24th, 2005 @ 10:54 am
Hotel Rwanda
I don't really think I can write about this in complete sentences:

inhumanity to other human beings based on what? the width of a nose or skin tone
the power of 1 - the effect one person perfectly placed can have is astounding
the role we are placed in and how we respond to the events that ensue
shame of a race of people
who are the good guys
the role America plays or choses not to play and its effect on an individual life
political use of language - genocidal acts is still genocide
the need for visual cues to soften a calloused heart - we need to see it to fully understand the scope
We are so generous with aid for natural acts (tsunamis, hurricanes) but want to hide from atrocities inflicted on one another.

This certainly did not help my understanding of war and violence. I am still stuck in the 60's and will never out grow Viet Nam. It hurts everything in me to watch it and think about the hatred that precedes the violence. How can that be? Yes, I know. It's all about power. But how can it be? How does power and the need to get it become so overwhelming that you must kill everyone that stands between you and it? I don't really want to understand it in my everyday life but when I see movies (or the news) like that I am completely blown away that this continues to happen. We are smarter than that, we understand genetics and why people appear different, we know that we have more similarities than differences, we all love, and breath and bleed. And yet we continue to take the lives of people who think or look differently. My dream is that at least in California the day is not far off when there will be no race. I love seeing in my students the beauty of white and black and Asian, and Mexican all mixed together. It is clear that the teaching of tolerance is still at the top of the agenda.

Feb. 24th, 2005 @ 10:52 am
A Letter to Grandpa
My grandfather is surely one of the most amazing men ever born. Each year the gift I give to my him is a letter of thanksgiving for his presence in my life. His birthday is around the corner again so here is the 2005 version.

February 24, 2005

Dear Grandpa,
The year has rolled by and your birthday has rotated to the top once more. Birthdays are a time for memories. You have a phenomenal brain and your memories are tightly organized by date, location and people, whereas mine seem to drift freely about. But when March rolls around my “Grandpa” memories float right to the top. The memories I have of you are abundant and of varying sizes and shapes. But the best part is that we are still making them. I always return from my annual Iowa vacation with newfound wisdom from the things you have said or the things we have done together.

You were my first and true definition of the word Grandpa. In my dictionary it has many meanings. Wise. Funny. Strong. Loving. Hard working. The hug after Grandma’s iodine. Teacher.

I am blessed to have always had you in my life. You have been there for all the happiness and yes, all the sadness too. I have learned from life that dependability is not always easy to come by. Your presence at our birthdays, graduations and weddings was never a question. Somehow just being with you made me smile. You and I could carry on nonsense conversations and laugh and laugh about it. But the sad times showed the power and endurance of your love. One of my strongest memories of Davey’s death is the comfort you brought. You walked out into the backyard and gave me the biggest hug that I can remember. With your arms around me I knew that someday everything would be OK. You were one of the first people I told about my divorce and we never missed a beat. There was no judgment, just another turn in the road that you helped me maneuver. You have seen it all and loved me every step of the way.

And now you have completed your 97th year on this wonderful planet. The gifts you have given are many. Patience. Kindness. Respect for Mother Nature. Independence. Love; an unconditional and endless love. I thank you for each of these gifts. They are all an important part of the woman I have become.

Feb. 22nd, 2005 @ 10:51 am
Home Again
Here I am again back in my quiet peaceful space on Fremont Street. I had a wonderful time in Elk Grove with Christine. But of course I am always happy to be home. Here are some quick observations:

Christine and I need to spend longer periods of time together. An hour or two here and there isn't enough for a best friend. We created so many new happy memories together during the past few days. Searching for a burger in Elk Grove on a Friday night (Yes we ended up at Chili's, margaritas in hand), 3 Walmarts in 2 days!, dinner and a movie (the perfect date), dripping paint, being part of another one of her moves, hello and goodby hugs that leave me wanting for more. But the most wonderful memory I am always left with is the soft spot to break open my heart and knowing that she will catch the pieces and help me put them back together again.

LIfe is more beautiful when I am surrounded with color. Paint is wonderful. It can make something plain and simple sing with joy.

Jack appears to be more independent. Perhaps it was my absence or maybe just hanging out with Milo and his mom and dad.

Sunshine makes me happy. Pulling weeks or hanging out with the animals on the deck are equally wonderful when the sun is shining.

My life is getting ready to change and be born again. I can feel it in the air.

Feb. 16th, 2005 @ 08:45 pm
Cute kids
I must be in a very good work space these days. I am constantly amused by my kids. Or perhaps it is all part of the looping experience. Classroom management at the end of a 2 year experience begins to resemble more of a family both in terms of the teacher student relationship and the interpersonal relationships among the kids. Everybody knows each other, their strengths, their weaknesses, who works well together and who needs lots of room to roam. Today was just another one of those "cute" days. The crazy principal decided yesterday after school to reorient the risers so we went through everything one more time first thing this morning - no problems with any of it. The kids were cool. Then we walk in to do our dress rehearsal for the students. I look at them and they are totally bunched up, nobody's in "their spot." I look in their eyes and they are glazing over and I think uh oh. They start off strong and everybody relaxes. Then about half way through they get lost. Nobody picked it up and I am too shocked to respond. I finally find the spot and get them back on target. Then they lose it again. Oh man, what is going on? In the break between the last line and the ending song the audience applauds. They all looked right at me thinking I could make the audience stop! They finish applauding, they sing the song, take their bow and the audience applauds again. Not bad - nothing wrong with two rounds of applause. We talked about the bloops; the kids were totally blown away that it happened (and so was I). So I figured they would be fine at the performance. At the end of the day we got into this huge discussion about how nervous they are. I had to pull out all my best cliches to convince everyone that they needed to be there tonight. After all your hard work..., this is like publishing in writing..., the "team" is depending on you..., finally finishing it off with if you're not sick now, I doubt you will be sick at 6;30. I went back to school at 6:00 and they slowly started drifting in. They are dressed up and look so cute, they are hyper but very entertaining. RI tells me that I wore the same black jacket for the performance last year and I was wearing makeup last year just like I am tonight. RG says yeah that's right you wore makeup for the performance last year. You look just the same. Now this is only funny because they are defining make up as lipstick. I wear make up everyday to work but never lipstick. Time passes and I get everyone lined up for their big moment. I calm them down, we do some deep breathing. DWJ says Wow that really helps. I remind him, "That's right breathing is really good for you". We walk calmly onto the risers. Their voices are a little soft but they sound secure. I relax but do not take my eyes off the script. Sure enough they lose it in couple spots again - not the same spots from the rehearsal. There is a brief pause 3/4 of the way through and the audience applauds! Luckily we had experience with that this morning. They wait for them to finish and carry on through the end, take their bow and enjoy their moment in the spotlight. We go back to the classroom and all they can talk about is how relieved they are! They chat, play games and act cool. Everybody goes off with their parents and I head out the door. I stop to chat with Manuel for a second and DWK,who had been pushing my buttons all day comes running back and practically knocks me over. He gives me his big bear hug, looks up at me and says I love you Ms Allen. I love you too buddy, I'll see you tomorrow.

Maybe they seem so cute now because next year is looming before me. Chances are pretty good that no matter where I am teaching I'll be back in first grade again. Not my first choice by any means. Perhaps all this cuteness is really a cloaking over sadness at the possibility of leaving a tiny bit more responsible grade level. Or maybe it's all about letting them go.

Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 10:49 am
My Children
I am overwhelmed with mother love. I just came back from the dress rehearsal of the Mayne Performance. The kindergarten did a beautiful song that will have every parent or grandparent in the place sobbing. They walked in to "How Could Anyone Ever Tell You." This was the first time I had ever heard it and I was overcome with emotion. Those beautiful, whole, loving children walked out and I saw Maria and Dave.

How could anyone ever tell you,
you are anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you,
you are less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice,
that your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you're connected to my soul.

I'll write more about this at some date but for now, it feels good to have the words with which to begin. They are so connected to my soul.

Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 08:46 pm
Funny kids
My class was on a roll today. This is one of those times when I should be writing them all down and making my millions on a published book of second grade one liners. Let's see how many I can remember.

Ms Allen, wasn't that nice of me to bring red envelopes to everyone in the class yesterday? (Oh yes, Cassandra it certainly was!)

Claudia just told me that Gabriel is sick. (Hmmm... I see. And Matthew, why are YOU telling me this?)

As Dillon walked clear around to the other side of the room I asked what he was doing there. I just wanted to go and see Vi's pictures. (OH. And did someone give you permission to go see Vi's picture?)

I told the class that for our art lesson today we would be painting pictures for our informational books. Oh Ms. Allen you are the best teacher in the world.

What time is the 100th Day of School party? (We're not having a party) Oh yeah, that's right. What time are the 100th Day of School ACTIVITIES?

When asked to write about the importance of the Statue of Liberty, Gabriel wrote - after the expected part about freedom - it was important because it was a birthday present for the 4th of July and my birthday is SO close. It's the THIRD of July. So I will never forget about The Statue of Liberty.

At the end of a day that consisted of readers theater practice, publishing, painting, and 100th Day activities, Christiane shouted out THIS was a GREAT day.

It is nice to see them more relaxed this week. And their funny little comments have helped me to slow down and enjoy life from the kid's perspective again. It's not about The Big Test, who will make the bench mark reading level in March or even 3 digit math with regrouping. They are little people just like grownups with good days and bad. They are guided like us by their hopes and dreams. They have a sense of humor and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. On days like this I would work for free.

Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 10:46 am
Faith and Needless Facts
I heard a short NPR interview from the famous folks from Kansas regarding evolution and creation in regards to the science curriculum. I was astounded with the blind faith they had in the words of Genesis. In their minds, this is the word of God. How could anyone dispute it? It has occurred to me that the deep faith of the conservative religious right and their lack of concern for facts to back up their views may be connected. When a person's perspective of life is based on faith there is no need for facts. We are taught that if you truly believe, you will accept it on faith. You don’t need evidence. When the president speaks he expects us to believe him and is surprised when questioned. In addition to that, you are made to feel inferior if you cannot accept the tenants of your given faith without evidence. In the Christian religion, a doubting Thomas has taken on its own identity and it is not necessarily a good thing. It is a put down aimed to abruptly end a discussion which is heading toward the final response, “You just need to have more faith.” To doubt or even to question is considered blasphemous. This was a prominent part of my upbringing and thus became part of my parenting. Now as I ponder this whole connection, it becomes one more thing that I will change in my next life. We need to approach all things in life with questions. Why? Why? Why? The view of the 4 year old is the view of a scientist; always questioning and in the process learning about purpose, cause and effect, and the results of our actions or inactions. When we close our minds by “just having faith” we limit the possibilities. In essence we stop thinking. If I had it to do over I would not have subjected my children to any organized religion. The world is too big and too marvelous to be explained away by religious dogma that gets lost or seriously edited in translation. Or maybe instead I would have immersed them in all the religions I could find! I am slowly realizing that this is where my journey has taken me. To learn, to question, to think... about it all.




Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 08:47 pm
Little boys' profanity
Little boys love playing with Daddy's four letter words. This is not uncommon for 2nd graders - especially in Alviso but today was a landmark. This was the first time I've had boys practicing bathroom talk, using it in the correct context and every word spelled correctly. After reading workshop I noticed a little disturbance, nothing big just a little chatter. When I asked GC what was going on he said, "Everyone says I should tell." So I prodded him to follow their advice and tell me what was going on. With a very sad voice he said, "GWC wrote this note." I tried to console him, thinking the note contained something hurtful; I hate you, You're dumb, or maybe I'm not playing with you at recess. I held out my hand and he gave it up without delay. In the palm of my hand laid a tiny scrap of paper torn from the corner of a math worksheet with the word asshole on it. Keeping my voice steady, I asked GWC if he had written the note. He nodded his head without hesitation. Thinking that was it, I told him that he would need to go to the office. Again nodding his head he calmly told me that GC had also written a note. When I questioned GC he said it was true. I asked him where it was and he told me it was on the other side. Yes! The other side of the tiny scrap of paper. I flipped it over and read the words, "My cock is really, really big." Now in order to get the true picture,you must know that GC is not only a mere 7 year old child but is also one of the tiniest boys in the class. So the whole image of his really really big cock was almost more than I could handle. Somehow I restrained my laughter and told them they would both be going to the office. Now as I reflected on this it seemed to me that asshole is probably the perfect resonse to one guy bragging about his cock to another. I'm not a guy so I could be wrong about this. From the teaching standpoint I have to take pride in the standard spelling of every word. GWC hasn't always been the best speller in the world so I was quite impressed with his word knowledge. And GC has learned how writing can me made more interesting by using repetition. Those mini-lessons on writers craft have not been in vain.

Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 08:49 pm
The tears of a child
Tears have always seemed an extremely sad thing to me. I personally hate to cry. It gives me a headache that lasts into the next day. When I cry I try to keep it short and sweet. In 15 years of teaching I've probably witnessed at least a quart of children's tears Some of them have had very little emotion behind them but others have broken my heart. My 3rd year in the classroom I had a girl that cried every day and I'm talking cried and sobbed out loud each and every day for half of the school year. I thought I was a pretty good teacher until I met her. Talk about a depressing way to start the day. First grade always invites lots of "I miss my Mom" tears so I thought moving up to 2nd grade would put a stop to the tear thing. In 2 days I've had 2 of my kids in tears; not from playground stuff but from the classroom environment. Nancy was on day 3 of a work moratorium and I came down pretty hard on her. But the tears didn't come until I told her how much faith I had in her. I knew she could do the work because she had shown me that over and over again in the last year and a half. When her eyes hit mine, the tears flowed over her bottom lid like a pot bubbling over. It broke my heart to watch it and continue on with my stream of "I have faith in you" diatribe. We ended with an I love you hug and a tissue. I prayed that she would hear my voice in the darkness of the night and come back to school renewed. I greeted her in line this morning with an extra smile and a compliment on how nice she looked. She rewarded me with that happy face, pure and innocent like nothing ever happened. She came in, got right to work and as I was walking by her desk she looked up at me and said, "I thought about what you said, Miss Allen and I know I can do it." My heart melted into a little puddle on her paper. Oh man, that is what it's all about! Now today's tears were from my friend, Dillon. He was a huge challenge for me last year - total refusal to participate, center of attention - the negative variety, at risk behavior which put us all at risk. But somehow I broke through the tough outer layer and we have had a great relationship together. Today's tears were pure frustration with making up work that wasn't done because of the questionable decisions he has made this week. Evidently he likes to play and laugh more than write an informational piece on the bald eagle. But he was put to the test when today was the last day of drafting and he had failed to complete the piece despite my extra recess and lunch time work sessions and allowing him to take his writing home 2 nights in a row. I started the day with "Did you work on your writing last night, Dillon." (Shakes his head no) "Why not?" "I went to sleep." "Hmmm..." was my only response. Our final work time was at lunch today. As the last bell rang his eyes immediately swelled up and turned red while he rubbed the tears away. Once again I wanted to weep for the brokenness that has dominated his young life. He asked if he could take his work home again. How could I say no to this boy? Once again, the pep talk. He left school with a smile, hardly recalling anything that happened that day. His mom promised it will be done and I'm sure it will be. And what will be the cost? Teaching demands making judgment calls all day long. How much assistance does this student need at this moment? What does s/he need to get motivated? Do I play the good cop or bad cop this time? How much help is too much? When I feel that irritation deep in my stomach I know that I have too much invested in the assignment and need to look deep into the child's eyes, and take in the emotions that are inhibiting the work. Tomorrow is Friday. It's time to loosen the reins. We'll have art in place writing workshop; everyone will smile and relax and the room will overflow with children's laughter. We will all leave our tears at the door.

Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 10:48 am
Weekend Thoughts
My brain has been meandering all weekend. Probably not enough that I could write about any one topic. But here it is as of this moment.

Paganism - I now believe that I was unknowingly a pagan right after our separation. That may be why I spent every Sunday hiking through any tree lined hill I could find in the Santa Clara valley (despite safety admonitions from my family). When I was out of sync I would head for the hills - yes even on a week day evening. But I was also working at Seton. Maybe driving 280 everyday just invited me into the trees. So what confuses me now is what has always kept me from paganism; the god/goddess thing. It is just so free and open. I don't get it. Yes, that probably comes from the strict Catholic teachings. The way I understand it is that you can believe in gods/goddesses as symbols, as partners with you or as entities within nature. I just can't quite get my brain around it. Maybe someone out there can help me with this.

Buddhism - Could I ever call myself a buddhist if I can't accept all the tenants of the faith. Most Catholics approach their faith as a buffet. You pick and choose the dogma that you can agree with. How else could you have so many millions of people out there calling themselves Catholic? But this time around I really wanted to have a faith that I could call my own. I now think that I will have to define it myself rather than finding one that fits me.

Still don't feel comfortable walking into a bar alone. Anytime anyone turns and looks at me I think they are thinking, hmmm... woman alone...

Ralph's perspective of our marriage. I really don't know where this has come from but lately I have been wondering what Ralph's view was. Someday soon I will ask him and just see what comes out. Was it enough for him to have a "home" with dinner on the table when he rolled in? Did he even want a "partner?" That always leads to wonder about his definition of marriage. He was much happier in it than I was. His life was a clear split between his parents relationship and his mom's marriage to Pat which was more of a business relationship. If that was his definition, he was probably content.

Stages of the 22 years together - Early years, the kids' elementary school years, leaving the liquor store and entering the real world (for both of us), downhill, hitting bottom.

Silence hurts more than the truth - This was the ultimate demise of our marriage. Ralph just had a hard time expressing his feelings. So this leaves me wondering what did he think? What did he feel? However, this fear of silence remains with me today. Anytime I put myself out there or take a risk of any kind and am responded to with silence my brain takes off with its own dialog. It may have nothing to do with what is really in the hearts of the silent party. I still have self esteem issues.

Search for furniture for small spaces remains a challenge. Anyone know where I can find a TV armoire that isn't 6' tall but at least looks like it is well made and will hide a 26" TV? I have been to C&K, Penney's and Ikea.

Jack's avocado supply - to this posting I have confiscated 4 of them. Saturday morning it was really cute when Jack was found in the bedroom chewing on his first avocado from the neighbor's tree. But now it's not so funny. He chews and chews trying to get to the pit. My neighbor has an avocado tree but when Daisy was in charge I thought they were coming from the squirrels. Jack is definitely more focused!

So there is my brain on a weekend. Exhausting!

Feb. 1st, 2005 @ 10:45 am
Out of the faith closet
First I have to give myself a little pat on the back. It's Tuesday and I fulfilled my goal of going to the gym. It was a little painful but I did it. The best part is that I didn't trade it for Jack's walk. He got his walk around Wilson field before dinner. He seems to like it there - better than Lincoln Ave and those rude cars and trucks that just zip by without even noticing he's on the planet, let alone inches from their speeding wheels. Wilson has lots of soft grass and dog scented trees. And sometimes there's even joggers to follow or other dogs to check out.

I suppose the reason I was able to go to the gym tonight was the need to process a weird little event that took me by surprise today. I was having my daily chat/Spanish lesson with Manuel, the custodian from Sutter transplanted at Mayne when he approached the subject of Ash Wednesday. Now Manuel had seen me once at St. Clare's while I was sponsoring Cindy (that still seems funny to me... allowing a big time sinner and rule breaker like me to sponsor the unbaptized). Anyway I gave him my snide little remarks about never stepping foot in a Catholic church again and he kept persisting like an inquisitive parent. Finally I realized that he hadn't heard the firing story. Even after I told it, he continued on so I was forced to try and explain the emotion and betrayal that went with my unemployment. Now the surprise was that as I was telling him this my voice started to shake. I didn't really know that the wound was still there. I thought my anger and resentment had buried it, never to see the light of day again. Surprise. The rest of the conversation was very curious. I came to realize how stubborn Christians can me. At first it seemed to be concern for my soul but then it appeared to be more like I had hurt him personally. Because I didn't agree with his definition of God, Jesus and salvation he's going to pray for me. Now I have no problem with people praying for me but not the prayer to "come back." His last words were that he would think about it. That's a good thing. This all made me realize how difficult it is to change yourself in someone else's eyes. You are who they make you to be. The image they have of you can not be altered by anyone but themselves. I am a person who embraces change. No, actually I can't live without change. But there are people who I truly care about who still see me as a mouthy teenager, a submissive wife, a little sister that needs to be shown how to live life. I am challenged by ways to break that image without destroying the relationship in the process. No, I don't go to church, I no longer conform to others expectations of me, I meditate, I walk in the woods and ponder the big bang theory, I sleep with a dog and like it a lot. In the words of Pat Ferraro, aren't we all in the process of "becoming?" Why does the old picture of Tere remain in others' minds? It is time to replace it with the new one. Yes, she has a few wrinkles around the eyes and wears contacts to display them proudly, a sprinkling of gray hair that will never be dyed or highlighted so that children might see a different view of beauty that comes with age. And what about the spirit/soul? Perhaps it is ready to come out and show its true colors too.

Jan. 30th, 2005 @ 10:43 am
My Zen
What a wonderful day! I got up determined to go to the gym and I actually did it. It has been 4 months since I have been there. My excuse has been "I’m sick." I could hardly breathe, I didn’t really think I should get on the treadmill or try to do anything very involved with 10 pound weights. Of course this hasn’t kept me from walking with Kathy on Wednesdays or walking the dogs. Well whatever this is I have is here to stay so when I was in Florida I promised myself I would go back to working out. Strangely enough the week passed without the 4 Runner stopping at the gym. I reasoned with myself that I was walking Jack, that was enough, wasn’t it? Anyway I made it back to my first workout. The first time is always the hardest. Maybe a Tuesday; Thursday, Saturday/Sunday schedule would work. When I came home the sun was shining brightly and begging me to come out and play in the dirt. It was a great opportunity to show Jack the benefits of a big back yard. Well Jack had other ideas. Actually it’s the same idea he always has, how about a little nap on the couch? After about 3 trips in to bring him back out I shut off the pet door. Now he was forced to have fun outside! He did a little sniffing, a little chewing on the woody branches and a little digging but walking slowly and aimlessly from place to place. I moved around in the yard so he would get a feel for all the different areas. But the greatest attraction was Max, much to Max’s dissatisfaction. They chased each other, Jack did his dance and Max did his swatting maneuver. Jack could not be distracted. Finally Max went over the fence leaving Jack to his own entertainment. And then he finally did it! Milo’s run around the yard thing. It was hysterical. I was by the roses. He would head right for me as fast as he could go, looking me dead in the eye and when he was within inches of me he would make a sharp turn and head for the deepest part of the yard then turn again and head for the deck. He went round and round until he was finally exhausted and laid out in the sun on the deck. What a funny dog. And as for me, I was in my glory, my hands covered with mud pulling weeds here and there. This is a real zen thing for me. The minute my hands hit the dirt there is a peacefulness that comes over me unlike anything short of meditating. My first thought is AAAHHHHH, there it is again. Then I realize that this is what I have needed, sunshine and mud. How lucky I am to live in a climate that can have a “spring” day in January. As the roots come out, they bring the underlayers of mud that immediately dry and crumble from the sun leaving the look of some sort of fruit crisp or French Apple pie. The worms are shocked out of their dark homes and look desperately for the way back. My brain relaxes and rambles. My first thought is I love being in my garden. The second thought is what a dweeb to be so content with such a simple existence. And then it lets go. I ponder work, my kids, my friends’ lives, the messiness of democracy, the utter beauty of nature at work. I develop a love for my weeds because they spread wide with a small stem in the center. I can cover quite a bit of ground in a hurry and it feels so great to have accomplished something. And what is it? I have pulled away the green leaving brown in its place. But it has a sense of order to it now. There’s a pattern that has returned. As I go back to my thoughts I feel two things simultaneously; the blessings that I have been given in this existence and a questioning of the pain in the lives of others. Matt Foley has been out of work since July - a family of 5 with no income. Dave is drifting without work as his compass. And I complain about the school budget… Silly. Kevin Eagleson is looking at yet another hip replacement to replace the replacement. If there ever was a man that should be blessed by his god it is Kevin. He is the closest thing to a holy man I have ever met and yet he has been destined to endure this pain and frustration over and over again. Even grandfatherhood eludes him. Colleen and Gina are both trying to get pregnant and can’t. It was so easy for me. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Maybe Maria’s worries about children are needless. Maybe there was something in the water and this generation will all be burdened with invasive medical intervention just to do something as simple as conceive a child. Oh look out! I’m losing my zen. My knuckles feel the stiffness that age is bringing along. My fingers are cold and wet and oh so muddy. But there is such beauty in the outline of my fingernails caked with living earth. I reluctantly go in to wash my hands and watch as the dirt mixes with water and becomes an earthen stream flowing from my finger tips. This is life at its simplest. Sunshine, mud and me.

Jan. 29th, 2005 @ 10:41 am
1/05 comes to an end
As January comes to a close I can feel a sense of relief in the air. It has been filled with many sad and challenging events. It began with Daisy's injury and eventual departure, followed by Dad's diagnosis and surgery, and in between there were several unforeseen financial expenditures and predictions that have brought fear back into my life. All of the sad events were followed by happiness. They may not have seemed that way at first glance but in looking back it was the way things had to be. My dad's surgery has given him a look at humility and rebirthed his inner strength and will to live. It has also given Mom an appreciation for the love they have shared and possibly a look at what the future may hold. And as his child, I have come to see the fragility of live - the Allen name no longer guarantees a long and healthy life. I hold him a little tighter now and cry a little harder with each good-by. Daisy's departure has left in her wake a feeling of peace. I know she is alive and that is all I asked. It is quieter here. I had forgotten how I missed the silence. Each living thing in our home has found an identity that is stronger in her absence than we were in her presence. That takes nothing away from the love I have for her nor does it diminish the hole that is left in her place. But we are all better for it. And so I am reminded of the yin and the yang of the uninverse. Positive and negative. Fullness and emptiness. It is the way it must be. We can not feel joy without experiencing sadness. Friendship has no meaning without the comparison of loneliness. We would never appreciate the beauty of sunshine without the gray of rain storms that come before it. All things must be in balance.

Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 08:51 pm
Budget Blues
I have been purposely avoiding all the school gossip about the budget cuts until today... The principal took the beginning of our professional development time to update everyone. I hate all that emotional stuff -the quivering voice, the worst case scenario approach, the "let's me kind to each other" admonition. So what does the future hold? 80 layoffs - Is that me? 30 to 1 class size - Do I even remember how to do that? No vice principal - could make for a very crabby principal. And what happens to my transfer dream? I know that this is the game that is played out every spring but this year it feels very real. Where does a district come up with $5 million without an avalanche of rolling heads. It all just feels sad. The black cloud is hanging over us all. And why does the school board get to see the priority cut list before the teachers? I just don't get it. We are the pawns that everybody thinks they can move around and we will perform for them. 20 kids, 30 kids; ah what's the difference? The teachers can do it. Oh yeah, we're all invincible. This little post is getting depressing. So how about a mantra? I will keep my job, I will be happy, I will not shoot the superintendent.

Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 10:39 am
Daisyless
This is day number two without Daisy and it is... it is quiet. There is the quiet as you wait for the swing of the pet door in the morning, the quiet as I leave for the day without her following me to the door and the upturned head questioning when I will be back, the quiet upon my return without the scampering feet and wagging tail and look of pure love to greet me, the quiet as she once again goes through the pet door to take her place outside after she is sure I have fallen asleep, the quiet, always the quiet. And in the silence hang the questions. Where is she? Is that tail wagging or hanging in sadness. How is she reacting to new people? What about all that barking? Can she sleep? What is she eating? Is she bound by the dual side walls of the humane society or by the eternity of euthanization? No that's the question I can't ponder yet. I have to believe that if she was adoptable when I got her, she's an even better bet now. I miss her terribly. There is an emptiness deep inside.

But then out of the darkness comes Jack and all the joy that he brings in such a compact package. He's learning about life in the world. He can cuddle now with the best of them on top of or even under the covers. He is learning to take a little more control of that funny blue leash of his. Our walk lasted for a whole 30 minutes today. Now that is not to say that we covered much ground. There's a lot of sniffing, jumping in surprise from new sounds (tires hitting manhole covers)and objects (bicycles), more sniffing, meeting new dogs, following joggers, and yes, more sniffing. He brings a smile to my heart and I can't help but laugh out loud at his funny little face while he tries to entice Max to play. Who knows? He may even learn to bark one day soon. And maybe that will help heal the quiet left by Daisy.

Jan. 14th, 2005 @ 09:42 am
The long good-by
The long good-by has begun. I am slowly and hesitantly saving good-by to the dog who wagged herself into my life. I have finally come to the realization that I can't keep Daisy here any longer. She is a danger to herself. Today was her first day of life on a dog run and it was so incredibly sad to watch. The dog that has the ability to easily leap over 6 foot fences, dodge cars and trucks on Lincoln Ave. and practically climb a redwood tree in search of pesky squirrels must find a new home. My heart is breaking and I am crying like a little kid losing her first pet. Daisy was not just a dog. She has been my friend and roommate since Christine found her own home. She hikes with me. She camps with me. She even does lesson plans with me. The search for Daisy took weeks and endless trips to the Humane Society. But the minute I saw her, I knew she was the one. That wagging tail had the power to melt my heart from the very beginning. We have had some great adventures – Big Basin, the beach, drives along the coast, San Diego, the Grand Tetons and even Iowa. She is a well-traveled dog. Her love was the most pure and unconditional that I have ever witnessed. Each and every day she was there to welcome me home whether I had been gone for 10 minutes or a week. The wagging tail and smiling face had the power of erasing anything bad that happened in my world. I have always known this day would come but I never dreamed that I would feel so sad. Daisy has been a roamer from the beginning. I suppose I thought she would just not come home one day or that I would find her in the middle of the street. Having to make the decision to move her myself is so much harder. It's like being the one that breaks up with a lover. You know her heart is going to break and it's all your fault. No matter what you say or how you do it you will still be alone at the end. I will miss my Daisy Dog forever.

Jan. 13th, 2005 @ 09:40 am
Good News - Bad News
It has been an exhausting week full of good news and bad. My dad is doing very well. I don't think he will really need my help next week but it will be nice to see him healthy again. This is my January spring break! I don't regret the decision to go. Mom got the instructions on his new diet and walking regimen today. This is going to be really interesting.

I saw Carol Tuesday night at the DKG meeting and she told me that there will be one and possibly two openings at Sutter next year. I couldn't even allow myself to think about that news until the next day. It just seems too good to be true. Finally something wonderful has happened in 2005.

Daisy has recovered from her last adventure. As a matter of fact (and here is the bad news) when I got home today she was out romping through the neighborhood AGAIN. I absolutely do not know what to do. Obviously the diversion of a second dog has not deterred her from wanting to see what's on the other side of the fence. I have discovered she is now jumping over the neighbor's fence. So she cruises in and out through the neighbor's yard! Now what? I can't tie her up for the week I'm gone. That seems cruel. But if she's left loose her life is in danger. She's not smart enough to figure this stuff out. I love her but I'm not sure I can keep her.

So then I open my mail to a letter from my doctor informing me that my bone density scan shows osteopenia, the beginning of thinning of the bones. Ain't life grand?

I have worked my little fanny off this week getting everything in order to leave the classroom next week. My head was swimming from morning til night. My brain was focused on a lesson I was planning for next week during most of the lessons I taught this week. I have really gotten good at short term planning with long term goals. So this was a killer. I thought my head was going to explode. Or maybe that was just my sinus infection flaring up again. Anyway the worst is over. So on Saturday I will be stepping onto a plane and heading for January sunshine.

Jan. 9th, 2005 @ 09:36 am
The Doghouse
It is time for a review of the dog status on Fremont Street. It is also time for me to let go of the adjustment of one and the recovery of the other dog living here. Daisy has been sleeping with me for the past several nights. It seemed like a good idea. I could be assured that she was off her feet for 8-10 hours a day and at the same time I wouldn't have to deal with Jack or Max fighting with her and me for bed space. Then Jack decided he was no longer house trained. Hmm... Do you think those 2 things could be connected? Very possibly!! Last night I had gotten Daisy settled down for the night and I noticed a distinct odor. It kind of reminded me of rotting food and it occurred to be that it could be rotting flesh. As my nose moved down her body I stopped when I got to her front leg. Oh Yuck! I didn't think I would have to deal with nursing her again until she ripped the tape off herself. But this was definitely not an encouraging sign. I prepared myself for the worst, somehow managed to keep my voice soft and loving while I attempted to cut the tape away. With each tiny snip I was motivated to continue because I didn't see a thing - no split in the flesh, no funny colors, nothing. Wow! Maybe she's totally healed. And then I saw it. It is definitely better but not healed. The two pieces of flesh have indeed grown back together and what is left looks like a very tender and open abrasion. She was thrilled to get a look at her own leg again and I let her lick to her heart's content until she started getting a little carried away. I tuned up my soft and loving voice again and surprised her with a couple helpings of peroxide. It was the first time I had actually seen a pain reaction from her during this whole ordeal. I piled on the neosporin and taped her up again. She was very irritated with me so she chose the rug over the bed until about 2:30 and slept in late. Then Jack struck again. There was pee on the floor when I got up, and then he decided to poop while I was doing I don't know what. Well that was the last straw. Jack got his first look at the screamer and was booted out the door. The dogs spent the day outside and it was fabulous for both of them. Daisy looked much stronger and Jack was frolicking and leaping over plants, chasing Max and trying to figure out why Daisy was making those angry noises at the cute little squirrels. So I was ready to invest a little more in my canine friends. I was off to Petco. I found a "run" for Daisy that I think is going to work pretty well - a 50'line that runs overhead between the trees and she'll have 6' on either side - and a dog house for Jack. Well, come to find out it seems that Jack is absolutely terrified of enclosed dark spaces. We tried some behavior therapy by putting dog treats in the back of the house. His solution was to stretch out his body as far as he possibly could and snag the treats without actually getting his back feet in the house. Very entertaining. All the while Daisy is prancing in and out of her house, sticking her head into his trying to demonstrate how great dog houses are. But Jack would have no part of it. The rest of the afternoon they ran, hobbled at times, barked at squirrels, plowed over plants and generally had a good time. When it got dark, I heard that familiar scratching at the door. My heart weakened and I opened the pet door. The plan for now is to just let things follow their course; no special treatment for the recovering border collie and hopefully Jack will remember the appropriate location for his little gifts.

Jan. 9th, 2005 @ 09:34 am
Pictures Don't Lie
Looking through old photographs can bring back all the feelings and emotions you felt on the day the picture was taken. The brain has a direct line to the heart. As you take in the sight of the picture your emotions take over; you smile, you laugh, you cry, you are overcome with the love or the pain of that moment. Similarly you can see what is behind the picture. Smiling through pain that gives the eyes a slight glaze, clutching your children with white knuckles and knowing that’s all that keeps you connected to the world. All this and more can be seen in pictures. It is the same with the photos of true friends. When we share our stories we quickly recognize that behind the half smile may be spousal abuse. Pictures of babies running free because their parents scream at one another in the dark of night. Pictures of the so called happy family who has an alcoholic in their midst. Yes, pictures have the power to record and hold our emotions forever. We look, we feel, we love.

Jan. 8th, 2005 @ 09:32 am 2005 –
Off to a rocky start
Saturday, wonderful Saturday. That means time to breathe and leisurely do the laundry, go to the grocery store, take care of business and even go to the doctor again. I have admitted defeat and am ready to say that I might actually have allergies as opposed to a lingering cold. 2 months is quite a long time for sniffles. I came home with a nasal wash, a steroid nasal spray, claritin, an antibiotic and more sudafed. This ought to take care of it, one way or another. At the very least my ears should be clear enough to fly next week.

Thus far, I am not at all impressed with the new year. My dog sliced open her leg, my dad is having heart surgery, my cell phone died and Jack now thinks it's a good idea to pee in the kitchen. I am in severe debt but hey, that's what summer school is for, right? The bright side is that I have charged enough on my credit card to earn my free airline ticket back to Iowa in August! I also have a new toy to play with. I love my vision phone. I thought they were so silly when they came out; who would want to take a picture with their PHONE? I've had mine for 12 hours, the phone book is completely set up and I have already taken 3 pictures - 1 of Daisy, 1 of Jack and 1 of a corset. Maria has introduced me to yet another fascinating piece of female attire - corsets. We journeyed off to San Francisco today in search of a bridal corset. I tell you, it is just fascinating. I think I hear Victoria's Secret calling me.

Jan. 6th, 2005 @ 09:31 am
Success
I almost forgot how much I love Thursdays until just now. Just one more day and I can breathe again. Teachers are so bitchy. Sometimes I wonder why we do this. Are Engineers like this when Friday comes around?

OK once again I have nothing profound to write about but it was another interesting day in the Allen world. My day began with a 6:00 phone call from my loving parents. Perhaps the goal was to wake me up, take advantage of my weakened condition and talk me out of coming to Florida. But unfortunately for them, I had already eaten breakfast and was enjoying my coffee. When the phone rings at 6:00, the possibilities are limited. Although I must admit Christine called at 6;40 earlier in the week so my mind did wander for a second. But of course I answered to my father's command, "WAKE UP!" I guess I was mellow enough just to let them command away and tell me all the reasons I shouldn't come. I followed my new rule of just not responding and was rewarded once again. I love this! Even Don and Nadine can't argue with thin air. The last attempt was the threat of "calling my daughter." I suppose the assumption there is that she would be able to tell me how CRAZY I was being. I'm still not sure what that was about. My final response was "I'm a grown up. I get to do whatever I want." This is what comes from hanging out with small children! OK So I figure it's over and I have the rest of the day to weigh the options and decide whatever I want. I go to school, turn on my computer and am greeted with an e-mail from my mother which was sent at the exact same time that they called me. How do they do this stuff? This time I did try to explain my thinking and the top layer of my emotions. I'm not sure what it means that she has still not responded to that one. Usually it means success. I have silenced her again. It also means they are ranting about that stubborn kid of theirs :) One of my quandaries was of course my class. I put in for my sub request and she happened to be at Mayne today. She is available and excited to be back in my room. I take that as a "sign." So I have finally hit send on the plane ticket and there is no going back now. My January spring break is now destiny.

Jan. 5th, 2005 @ 09:29 am
Mother's Love
I wrote this once and my computer decided to freeze up on me - maybe it's not supposed to be published. But I will give it another shot...

Every day I wonder what I will write in my journal and I picture myself meditating and coming to some great realization about the meaning of my life. But then life kind of hits me in the face and all I can do is reflect on the wonderful and bizarre people and the things they do and say.

The first event worthy of mentioning is the e-mail from my mother about my dad's by-pass surgery. Yep - the surgeon agreed with me. The surgery is scheduled for bright and early Monday morning. Maybe my opinions have gained some credibility now. So I e-mail my mom and tell her I will come to help them out. And her response is that I had better check that out with my father. Is this some sort of elderly equivalent to wait til your father gets home. So then Dad e-mails STAY AT HOME! Hmmm... interesting. So I e-mail Mom back suggesting that she will be the one in charge of the recovery and wouldn't she like some help. Well that's when the brick hit me in the face - came out of nowhere. Some line about how he was closer to death with his pneumonia than he will be with the heart surgery. And if they can get through that alone they can get through anything alone. Hmmm... that's interesting. Let's take a look at it from my parent's perspective. First and foremost, for whatever reason, they can't accept help from anyone especially their CHILDREN. For some reason my mother just can't pass up an opportunity to pull the rug out from under me. As I recall, Dad's recovery from pneumonia was in the hospital with 24 hour medical care. The only thing I heard from them about his recovery at home was that he had trouble sleeping and he had to rest after everything he did. (But maybe he shouldn't have been attempting to bleach the roof of the house while on oxygen.) I don't recall hearing anything like, Tere, do you think you could take a few days off and help us out here? Oh well. I will be playing the part of the adult in this little scenario. But in the long run, I'm sure I will go. They can fret all they want about the air fare, missing work, blah blah blah. In the end we all have to make the decision that we can live with ourselves, not what anyone else tells us to do or not do.

Then later in the afternoon I get an e-mail from my aunt (commonly referred to as the most wonderful woman in the world). She goes on about Dad's issues for a bit and then mentions the letter I sent to Dad. It seems that Mom had shared it with her. So maybe I hit a nerve after all. That's strange - neither my mother or father mentioned receiving the letter or anything about it - Not, I got the letter, thanks for the letter, or even your letter blows! - NOTHING. But they can share it with others. Why can they share their feelings more easily with others than with their own children?

When I finally get home I am greeted with an e-mail from Cari and a sweet story about the picture they gave me for Christmas. Now I take another look and yes, I see it. Dave is opening his arms to his mother's love. Now the gift takes on even more power. It is on the bookcase and is the first thing I see when I come home each day (after the explosion of canine affection). There is something about that photograph that can make me feel the love from the handfasting each time I look at it. It's got to be Dave because you can't even see my face!

And so I ponder once again, Mother's love. This has been a big mystery for me for many years. After our divorce I told myself that Maria and Dave didn't need mothering anymore; there was nothing more I could do for them. But the truth of it was that I had to heal myself before I could give love to anyone else. Despite the pleasure of my little Texas jaunt it was Maria and Dave that brought me back and keep me here. Not from anything they have said or done but the from hole that is left in my heart when we're separated. I can't imagine life without them. They keep me grounded. Their life experiences help me grow in strange and wonderful ways. I love seeing them in love - that has been truly unexpected. I suppose that is what makes me think that I don't exactly fit the mold of the mother of a couple of 20 something kids. There is no script. We don't do the typical "family" things so I am trying to learn to listen with my heart. But there is still something that holds me back - fear of something that I can't name. What is it? I am not ordinary and have no desire to be so. The bottom line is that I am loved deeply by both of my kids and their great loves. I am slowly learning to lead with my heart instead of my head. Mothering is that thing that is constantly changing shape and size as I age and grow. Today it feels like a warm comforter that covers me from head to toe and enfolds me into the loving arms of my children.


Jan. 4th, 2005 @ 08:52 pm
Ahhh...Tuesday
Tuesday is over. That is a good thing. I survived my writing workshop observation and really did not care - for the first time in my career - about who was there or what they thought. I just did my thing with my little ones. They weren't really "on" but that was fine. That gave me a place to take them. I dearly love teaching writing. I used to thing it was all about reading but writing brings the inside out. But I digress... my whole attitude about pleasing the principal was gone today. Oh, that feels so great. Is it the meditation or maybe there have been some really big things taking the place of worrying about the little things. Whatever it is, I like it.

Jan. 4th, 2005 @ 09:28 am
Ahh... Tuesday
Tuesday is over. That is a good thing. I survived my writing workshop observation and really did not care - for the first time in my career - about who was there or what they thought. I just did my thing with my little ones. They weren't really "on" but that was fine. That gave me a place to take them. I dearly love teaching writing. I used to thing it was all about reading but writing brings the inside out. But I digress... my whole attitude about pleasing the principal was gone today. Oh, that feels so great. Is it the meditation or maybe there have been some really big things taking the place of worrying about the little things. Whatever it is, I like it.

Now on to the big things. Daisy seems better today. The tail is back in motion again. The tape job seems to be working; she hasn't chewed it off and it feels secure. She still looks incredibly helpless hobbling from room to room or out the pet door. It is amazing what animals can handle. She is my hero - a strong and independent woman who isn't afraid to walk out when things get ugly. Her power obviously comes from the rear and propels her forward when she really needs to get back home.

Dad is on the verge of a 6 way by-pass and still can't talk about the real stuff of life. At least 2 of his kids will be there whether he wants us there or not. Help is definitely a 4 letter word for the Allens. Oh, I am so glad to be, ever so slightly tiptoeing away from the White Anglo Saxon Protestant "life is hard" crap that reared me. I shutter to think what this is all going to be like. #1, the prospect of actually leaving my classroom in someone else's hands - never done that before. Then walking into a weakened version of my all knowing father. And then there is mom... how on earth will she handle this all? Live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment... Everything that is meant to be, will be.

Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 08:53 pm A teacher's journal
Today begins the first day of school after Winter Break. And it also begins my attempt at journaling a teacher's reflections. My hope is that it will lead to an article "someday" on my journey as a writing teacher. Or it may just be a teacher's reflections journal. This will be a place where I lay open my thoughts about teaching, children, the political arena we find ourselves in and maybe even some cute anecdotes about kids.

Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 09:26 am
What's to be done about a dog who likes to roam
Oh Daisy! What have you done? Coming home with a huge gash on your leg... No money for stitches... What do we do now? Yes, Daisy left early yesterday and wasn't home before I went out to breakfast at 9:30. That was the longest trip of hers that I've known about but she does live her own life when I'm not around. When I got back at noon she was in her house. I thought nothing of it - just thought she was depressed about Jack, her new housemate again. I grabbed the leashes for an afternoon walk around the block since that's about all Jack can handle before he starts doing flips in the air and attempting to chow down on the leash. And no Daisy. Hmmm... that's weird she usually attacks me when she hears the leash. So I go out on the the deck and clang it around a bit. Slowly I see her hobbling out of the dog house. As I look closer I see a deep cut on her leg. Oh yuck. Did she try to clear a fence that she seriously misjudged? Was she nicked by a car? Who knows? I get her back in the doghouse so she could get off her bad leg and look closer. The bone doesn't appear to be broken but the cut clearly needs to be stitched. Arrrggghhhh! She actually seemed to be feeling OK - no moaning or whining. She had some water and ate some food and continued to lick her wound clean through the night. This morning when I got up she was waiting for me outside the back door. I tried to make a bed for her inside with water and food. Of course that didn't last long. She does not like to be pampered. She headed out the pet door and retreated back to her house. And now I am home and of course she came running and jumping/hobbling up to greet me. Oh my poor loving dog. Well Cindy has given me some advice about taping her up so I will head off to Walgreens and hope for a speeding recovery. And then what... keep her trapped inside for the rest of her life. This is sad! Daisy needs a big pasture full of sheep where she can run and jump and herd to her heart's content. What do we have here? A crazy school teacher, a wacky cat that is still recovering from being abandoned by his mother, and a beagle only recently uncaged. YIKES!

Jan. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:24 am
End of Vacation Blues
Boo Hoo! It's the last day of winter, aka Christmas vacation and I am fighting off my blues. It doesn't help that it is raining AGAIN. I need to focus on the positive and what has been accomplished.

I got to go to New York
Fresh thoughts and epiphanies about the past
Hobees breakfast with Bill, Maria and Brian
Christmas Eve was very sweet and will be remembered for years to come.
My sister called me
Listening to the tape of my grandfather's memories and talking to him on Christmas. That is a gift that was given more to me than to him. I need to do that more often.
I got to spend time with Christine - and Carey behaved herself
Daisy and I had a good Christmas day walk on the Los Gatos Creek Trail
I have a new dog who is extremely entertaining AND cute
Bill fixing me dinner here - what a fabulous gift
Beginning to create a spiritual space in my home and heart
Attempting to communicate with my dad about real stuff
Coffee with Diane and Kathy and the prospect of starting a book group. I will have to say no to the Curves ideas - that man is putting his money in the wrong pot from my perspective and he won't do it with mine!
I made Jack's bowl at Petroglyph - and I think he may have actually learned how to eat out of a bowl!
Cindy and I had art time together
Partying with my kids on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day I am truly blessed by their presence in my life.
I finished my peace collage and it is bringing me peace despite the fucked up world we live in
The dogs seem to be in a better place - although Daisy is currently out roaming the neighborhood perhaps in search of better digs
I think I am actually getting well. Too bad I don't have just a couple more days before I am inundated with kid germs again.
Gaining some perspective on Denise's writing workshop observations - 1 down and 2 to go I am what I am and that is enough
Looking forward to another Hobee's breakfast with Paula this morning
This live journal - getting me back in the habit of writing every day and it has opened up a new world to Dave, Chrysa, Maria and I

There! That feels much better.

Jan. 1st, 2005 @ 09:39 am
Exhaustion from doing nothing but worrying
I had almost forgotten how exhausting it can be to just worry something to death. That's what I did today! All I could think about all day long was my father laying on the operating table with his chest cavity open hooked up to a heart lung machine. OOOH! I woke up at 5 (8 in Florida) the time he went to the hospital. It was almost a pleasure to run copies, do bus duty and try to figure out how to explain map stuff to those cuties who don't really get the bizarre English language instead of the mental image of your father undergoing heart by-pass surgery. But the end result is that Dad came through the surgery fine. The doctor said it went better than expected but the damage was more than expected. After school (and I had called the hospital) all I could think about was getting things ready for my January spring break. It's times like this when I realize how obsessive I really am. My plan was to do one day's sub plan each day this week. Well, I am very close to having the whole week done. Sometimes I just can't let go of stupid stuff. But I am home, the dogs are happy and all is well. We'll let that final writing workshop observation take care of itself tomorrow...

Jan. 1st, 2005 @ 09:20 am 2004 –
A Look Back
Happy New Year! Is it time for a mimosa? Perhaps a little reflection is in order before the ingesting of any alcohol. 2004 brought many new and wonderful things into my life. I am a very different person today because of the events and ideas that have changed my thinking. I am grateful for them all - the good and the bad.

Top of the list has to be my family. I am so thankful to be a part of a growing family. The Ferraros and Carter/Bundts have been so warm and welcoming. I never dreamed that being an in-law could feel so warm and wonderful. Dave and Chrysa's handfasting was a milestone in so many ways. It brought Dave and me back together - an answer to my prayers. But it was so much more than that. The pagan view of the world has reopened my eyes to the importance that nature plays in my spiritual life. Witnessing Dave and Chrysa's love was an honor. Watching your children find and nurture their great loves must be the most wonderful part of being a parent. And this year will bring another wedding. At long last Maria and Bill will proclaim to the world the love that they have rooted with each other. Maria and Bill are constantly blessing me with their presence and wisdom. I continue to grow and learn new ways of viewing the world in large part due to the discussions that we have. Mom, Dad, Mike, Vickie, Paul, Arma Jo, Grandpa - how lucky I am to have them in my life. They have been a part of my life's continuum from the beginning. They give me the past I need in order to view the present with a sense of balance. I'm not sure what to say about Patty. I feel like we keep attempting to build a relationship that cannot stand. Why? She comes in and out of my life like a wind that scatters everything in its path. When it passes you sit and wonder where it came from and if it will return. And Ralph... we had some good times this year but what was the cost? He still has the power to break my heart. Living mindfully in the moment is imperative when we are together. The past has too much pain and it clearly seems to repeat itself.

My friends have gotten me through some very trying times this year. Christine and I keep our relationship alive and growing despite the obstacle of distance. But I give her the credit; she is an expert at being a friend. She is the soft place for me to land. She loves me unconditionally and I can tell her anything without fear of judgment. Cindy's love just grows and grows. She is the reminder that my presence in the world matters - her loving arms await me no matter what or when. How blessed I am to have two such devoted and loyal friends.

This has been a year of adventures in travel - Florida in April for the first time in 9 years. It was good for me to go back. My parents are aging and I needed to see that in their world to really understand it. Iowa in July - I love seeing my grandfather and aunt and uncle there. It brings me face to face with a past that at times I try to forget. I am oh so lucky to have all 3 of them in my life. They are overflowing with wisdom and common sense. And again in July, my birthday trip to Santa Fe and on to Texas with Maria and Bill and the dogs. That is a trip that will not soon be forgotten. Mexican food, margaritas, laughter and love. What could be better? And finally the trip to New York with Ralph, Maria and Bill. There were some good times... drinking, smoking, the plays, riding the subways, NY food, and Central Park. And it's always good to be reminded that big decisions in your life were the right ones!

I am thankful to have a job. That's about all I can say about Mayne. I don't think I will ever understand the frigid air in that place. The kids are some of the most open and loving kids you could ever meet but the employees definitely keep their distance. Denise is slowly realizing that I can be a pretty amazing teacher. I am eternally hopeful that I can return to Sutter this year because there are moments where I really don't think it's possible for me to grow as a teacher if I am in Alviso for another year. My professional reading and talks with Christine is all that keeps my work alive.

I have played around with the whole vegetarian thing this year - it is much easier than I would have thought it could be. But I don't have the philosophy to stick to it. And sometimes I just want a good piece of chicken in my cheese quesadilla!

And finally there is the evil of mass media. I am making an attempt at using my television for education and entertainment rather than indoctrination. I suppose the election was the final straw, that we could all be turned into mindless sheep by simply repeating the same mantras over and over again. I am taking back my brain. And if that means I don't know what the weather will be in 2 days and how we should be preparing for tsunamis in Santa Clara, so be it.

I cannot reflect on the past without some thoughts toward the future. These are not resolutions but more like recommendations.
I need to get my diet a little more balanced. My cut in finances has also resulted in a cut in fruits and vegetables. Not a good plan.
Oh yeah, finances are a problem. I need more money, uh I mean I need to use my money more wisely. The county of Santa Clara is hoping that I come up with another couple thousand dollars so I can pay my fair share of taxes on this cute little blue house on Fremont Street. That probably means a return to summer school. YUCK! I need to take another look at Civil Disobedience.
Keep my father alive - I need to find ways to communicate with him so he thinks about the gifts he has been given and not the sacrifices he is being asked to make.
Get back to Sutter! Surely by now I have learned enough about making hasty decisions and the consequences that can follow. Who knew all that would result from that one?
Continue to nurture my relationships - that is what life is all about.
Focus on my spiritual path - may the cosmos lead me forth...

And now for that mimosa. Bring on 2005. I'm ready and waiting for all that is to be.

Dec. 31st, 2004 @ 09:13 am
Taking Down Christmas

Taking Down Christmas
Christmas is gone. What's left in its place is a sense of orderliness. I am always so excited to put it up. Thanksgiving brings the transition from fall to winter. The long weekend gives me the time and energy to decorate and prepare my heart for the excitement that lies ahead. The tree goes up; the house decorations are put in their places while memories of the giver of each object fills my head. The holiday dishes take the place of the ordinary and time changes. But after a month's time I am ready to return to the mundane and routine of the ordinary. The original sensation is that of emptiness but soon it is replaced by the almost audible sigh that empty space can bring. The extra room has once again become transformed. Now it is a place to meditate and create a spiritual space. The coming year is bound to answer some long standing questions about life - where did it come from? what is my place in it? have I been here before? I am getting closer to answers by simply opening my mind to a different set of choices? Christianity does not appear to be the answer for me - it feels too finite, too boxed in. The universe is too immense to be explained by dogma. Would God really want the world to continue to be run by old white men. I think not! Christmas felt very different this year. It was the first time where I questioned all the nativity decorations that seemed to pop out of the boxes. Not that I bought them - that's what comes from working in Catholic schools for 10 years. Learning about the different Christmas events from PBS, the history channel and discovery was fascinating and part of my growth step by step away from the church. Yes, Jesus was born, and yes the three kings/magi/astrologers did follow a star but it isn't the story that the church has told through the ages. Jesus was born in April inside a house, the magi were following Jupiter (or was it Saturn)in the constellation of aries. Hmm... not quite the miracle that the church is promulgating. So what is next? Buddhism? Paganism? In the words of the Beatles, let it be. The next step of the journey will come with a heart that is open to what lies ahead.




Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 09:16 am
School Vacation
08:15 am: School Vacation
Ahhh... vacation. There is nothing like it. I wake up and think "Oh yeah... I don't have to get up; I close my eyes and sleep again. Somehow that extra hour is much sweeter than the previous 8. I have finally reached the point that I can appreciate the beauty of an hour spent sleeping instead of doing stuff. I open my eyes and think instead of move. I take the time for an extra cup of coffee and hang out with the dogs. I have the time to answer phone calls, e-mails, make appointments and see my friends. I even have time; uh I mean the energy to run errands at night. What is it about working that makes me feel the day is over when I get home?These little breaks in the year make teaching a fabulous career. Life is good.

Last night was Jack's first night out of the crate - not that I think he's actually house trained; I just didn't want to listen to the incessant scratching and his feeble attempts at barking. And yes indeed I have a dog that wants to sleep with me. What a wonderful thing to wake up and feel someone beside you. You are not in this alone. Yes, I know that he's only a dog but it still warms my heart.

My head and heart are full of musings about life once again. I watched Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring - about a buddhist monk who learns some painful lessons about sorrow. Bill recommended it several months ago. The scenery was beautiful - a floating temple; what could be better than that? But the message was so powerful. What are the stones I have tied to others that I still carry in my heart - judgment, pride, things left unsaid... Is it possible to truly repay our offenses in life? Hmmm... Buddhism puts me in the moment here and now - all I have is this moment. What will I do with it? Will it be for good or harm?


Dec. 29th, 2004 @ 08:10 am
Here is my first attempt at journaling without my hand touching the paper. We'll see if what's in my head and heart can hit the page with keys in place of graphite.

It is the 29th day of December, my father's 74th birthday. I can't help but wonder if his stubborn attitude will result in this being his last. Why does he not realize that the importance of living is connected to relationships not his personal perspective on what is RIGHT! Ahhh well... I can't dwell on things that can't be changed. I have said my piece - now the decision is up to him.

I am now the happy "owner" of 2 dogs and a cat. Jack's presence in the house is truly making itself known today. I think he got a little more sleep last night after the hour/s of scraping the sides of his crate. He just completed a rampage of the house - running to and fro, sliding through the livingroom. Oh my, where did that come from? Daisy is transfixed and wondering what has become of her quiet peaceful existence. I am pleasantly surprised with their co-habitation thus far. Maybe barkless dogs aren't such a bad idea! It is amazing how much more complete an affectionate dog has made me feel. Daisy is the watch dog but Jack is my friend and I guess that makes Max the entertainment. What a place this house has become. Although I still miss the companionship of a partner (after all these years) Jack has been a step in the right direction. Seeing my kids so happy with their great loves does make me think about how I want the rest of my life to go. But I also know I don't yet have the courage to put myself out there to meet another someone. Maybe someday soon...