This has been on my mind for weeks and soon to be months. I've shared the struggle with several people. I've prayed about it. But there appear to be no answers on the horizon. Here is the dilemma.
I want more than anything to connect with my community - as in neighborhood or town - but my belief system or perhaps my experience with the Catholic church does not mesh with that of Vancouver's.
I go to mass to deepen my relationship with each person of the Holy Trinity. I want to get closer to Jesus, God and let the Holy Spirit guide me. I go to mass to learn from the priest. It's all about the homily and the Eucharist for me.
As I made the rounds of the Catholic churches in Vancouver, I struggled to find evidence that we are a "risen people. In my mind I go back to the risen Christ that takes center stage at St. Martin's. There is still a lot of bell ringing, kneeling and head covering here. In some parishes the old responses are still in effect. I struggled long and hard over those changes and do not want to go back and have to relearn the old ones.
So I finally admitted defeat with Vancouver and their desire to save souls and stop abortions and made my way south to Portland. What I have found is something different in every parish. While I'm there, I'm trying with all my heart and soul to make it work for me because I know it's so much better than what I have found at home. As I enter each church I step outside of my head and sometimes almost laugh out loud at the conversation that is going on. I start off pretty negative or extremely positive depending on the location, and by the time the hour is up, I've gone from No to Yes to Maybe or from Yes to No to Maybe. The end result remains the same. I am still without a church home.
Here are my reflections
St. Edwards - Connected to Nativity School. I like that. Traditional setting, still doing the old responses. I like seeing middle school art in the church. Very friendly group, so friendly that no one noticed I was visiting. I don't want to be fussed over but if your parish is doing the work of Christ, you would know that a visitor was in your midst.
St. Francis - Doing the mission work of downtown Portland but I felt a little unsafe. Once again, the photos in the church reflect the mission they are about. The responses are updated but they have added their own touch of St. Francis to the mix. It is also a church in transition. There is no real leader of the parish and there is a lot on their plate. It may be one that I want to wait and see...
St. Ignatius - I like the Jesuit feel. This was definitely in a better part of town than the rest. Is that what I want - comfort? But the missing pieces were there. It was the first time that I could relax into the liturgy because I knew what was coming. I guess if there was a negative, it was that the community seemed a little disconnected from each other. It had the colder (proper) feel of a Silicon Valley parish.
St. Charles - a recommendation from my sister's boss. I actually didn't even know there was a St. Charles. Evidently he dedicated his life to Christ at the age of 12 and his mother was in the Medici family. How did I miss this guy? Anyway. St. Charles was an OK fit - except that the priest didn't do the gospel or the homily. It was done by the parish administrator. Good homily but unsettling. I've come away with a question of what role does the priest play in the Northwest?
So as I reflect on all of this, it seems that these 4 parishes combined are taking the place of my previous work and worship. St. Francis and St. Edwards together take the place of my 10-11 hour a day work life at Nativity. The school of St. Edwards and soup kitchen of St. Francis combined fulfill that sense of mission of feeding and educating the poor. St. Ignatius is that comfortable place that I had at mass in Mission Santa Clara. It definitely does not have the beauty of the mission but other pieces are there. And maybe St. Charles is the community that I am searching for. Part of me wants to make the rounds again just to see what the second viewing brings into focus. But I am desperate to find "home." I want to once again be fed by my faith. I want to walk out of church feeling the joy that was everywhere in San Jose. I want to leave a little bit wiser and more compassionate than when I walked in.
While some pieces of my transition to Washington have been so much easier than expected, this one still stymies me. And this is a piece that really matters to that definition of HOME. I know that it will come in time and that the time put into this will be worth it in the end. The Spirit tells me to be patient and that it will come.
September 3, 2017
Just a quick addendum. I returned to St. Ignatius this week and confirmed that this is home. Jesuits and I have always been a match. The homilies are good. The music is comfortable. It is all familiar and for now that is what I need in my spiritual life.
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