Family

August 23, 2005

What is family? As the end of summer knocks loudly on the door I have taken time to reflect on the recent events and travels of my life. One word reverberates in my head – Family. This summer has been totally dedicated to family in a variety of experiences beginning with Maria and Bill’s wedding and ending with my trip to see Grandpa. So I have been thinking a lot about what that word family conjures up for me. According to Mr. Webster it is a group defined by parents and their children. This is certainly where it all begins but it becomes so much more as the years go by. My own definition of family came from my parents and grandparents in a very dissimilar setting from the one I find myself in today. The Midwest still maintains many agrarian beliefs and customs. A strong and physically close family is one of its mainstays. Every holiday meant a huge meal at Grandma Allen’s house with people and food overflowing. It also meant a visit to Grandma Larson’s in one form or another. My dad and uncle worked together during my entire childhood and Grandpa was never far away. We lived within walking distance to my aunt and uncle for most of my life. So the Allen way of living has defined me from the very beginning. It was also the beginning of my definition of in-laws. My Grandma Larson never respected my dad and no matter what he did her opinion could not be changed. Because of the events of my mother’s childhood, the Weatherill side of me never really developed. I never even met my Grandpa Gus until I was a teenager. I can remember watching my aunt and uncle’s in-laws together and wondering how the parents of two children could become such good friends. Weren’t they supposed to be jealous of one another? Paul and Arma Jo’s parents not only ate together on holidays, they vacationed together for years. It was fascinating for me to watch them. My parents began the creation of a new definition of family when they decided to move to Florida. My sister was already living in Oregon. At the time my brother had other issues which caused a severe split and that left only me in the way of their dream. That was easily solved by deciding on college in Florida. Now the family no longer fit the Iowa definition. And since that time I have wrestled with figuring out “family.” Holidays always contain tears for those I am separated from. My short stay in Texas was completely about family. It was a good place to mark the end of my marriage but I was really looking for my own definition of family and home. Maybe if I was in the middle of my parents, my brother and my children I could make it work. But that was not the answer either. My children are the ones who made me realize what family is for me. My heart was broken without them and somehow my love for them has made California my “home.” In the intervening years my family has taken on new faces and the meaning has continued to change. Despite our marital status, Ralph is definitely family. He may know me better than anyone else on this earth. The Ferraros, Carters and Bundts have each added to my experience and definition of family. Once again I am struck by the ways that in-laws can enhance the family experience. We have been blessed to be so close physically that we can gather for birthdays, holidays and the big events in our lives. I know that may not always be true but I am grateful for what I have had up until now. So what is family? Yes it is children and their parents. It is unconditional love that first appears in the shape of a helpless infant. You can’t help but pick that love up, hold it close and never really let it go. It is the emotional support necessary to keep us afloat in the challenging times and it is the raw joy shared in the successes of our lives. My parents have taught me that it is also the kick in the pants to help you stand on your own because it is only in true autonomy that we realize the importance of both roots and wings. My grandfather’s lessons are many. Family is being there when times are tough. He has been there for me through it all. It’s not about words, it’s about presence both physical and emotional. My definition is not and will never be complete because like my life journey, my experience of family is always changing. As its numbers grow through marriage and birth, it is also shrinking through death. The bonds of family are strengthened through shared love and communication. Family is simply shared love through and among the generations. It cannot be extinguished. And like love, family carries us through the mountains and valleys of life and lives forever in our hearts.