Pondering the End of Life

A very dear friend of mine is saying her final good-bye to her mother.  As a result, I too am saying good-bye to an amazing woman.  Lois is one of those women whom the minute you meet her, you become family.  You sit down to tea and cookies which are always on hand and you are immediately enveloped into the warmth of her kitchen and the embrace of her arms.  She constantly asks about you and what you are doing.  And they are never the easy questions.  She comments exactly the way a mom should - with love and acceptance but always challenging you to be the best you can be.  She believes strongly that we all leave our mark on the world and that it better be a good one.  She has made us all better than we would have been without her touch.  She dedicated her life to her family and was one of the most amazing cooks I have ever met.  But somehow she also knew what it was like to be a working mom and could put herself in my place without blinking an eye.  There is a part of me that still cannot accept or come to terms with the fact that in a matter of days or weeks she will be gone and we will be left with only memories of her.  I know that is a fact of life (and death) but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  Being 58 and still having the pleasure of my grandfather and parents' company here on earth doesn't make it easy to deal with death.  The advise I have received from everyone was to say my good-byes.  Her health has degenerated so quickly that it wasn't possible for me to do it face to face.  I can only pray that my parting words gave her half the joy that she gave to me in our time together.  Lois, I will miss you - more than you can ever know.

Dear Lois,

Life is made of opposites and they are what make it so beautiful.  Our joys are so much more joyful because of the sorrows that we endure.  The sunshine that comes after the rain is brighter because of the dreariness we have passed through.  And the pleasure of knowing you has become so much more precious because of the knowledge that you are leaving us.  I struggle to imagine a world without you because you have brought such incredible pleasure to every life you have ever touched in your short time here.  There have been many times that you were very simply the personification of Mom for me and lots of others.  You have been what every mom should be - loving, healing everything with a hug and something sweet but challenging us always to be more and to leave our mark on the world.  Every memory I have of time spent with you brings a smile and I consider myself so blessed to just have been in your presence. There are certain things that I see and I think only of you, tea pots, that certain hue of blue, the old homes of Los Gatos, apple pie.  You have left a mark on me that will never be erased.  From you I learned how to be a better teacher, a better mom and you ushered me into the amazing world of grandchildren.  I say good-bye to you today with the chance that it may be my last opportunity.  I pray that we have at least one more time to sit together and hold each other's hands and part with a hug.  But if you pass through to the heaven that awaits you before that happens I want you to know how deeply you are loved and what an amazing woman you are.  I pray that you enjoy your final days surrounded with the love of your family and friends in ways that you never dreamed possible.  I send this with all my love and admiration for you and the incredible life you have lived.  You have been an inspiration to me and I love you more than you can imagine

You Need To Be a Grandparent

An open letter to a dear friend and someone who knew more about me than I did myself:

Not so long ago, a very wise man made it abundantly clear to me that I needed to be a grandmother.  You and I would argue back and forth about this notion.  My answer was always no, it wasn't necessary.  I didn't want my children having children just so I could be a grandmother. Well, I am here to say that you were right, Dan!  After only a couple years of my new title as Grandma Tere, I believe that I really was made for this grandparenting thing and that I did NEED to be a grandmother.  

I have never been happier with any phase of my existence than I am right now.  And it is all because of these two little beings who share my life. Just being with them brings me utter and complete joy.  I am constantly in a state of bliss. Callie's laughter has a direct line to my heart and I can't stop myself from giggling over Lucia's babbling conversations.  I love everything about being a grandparent and I can’t get enough of it. 

Our weekly date night has very little to do with Maria and Bill going out together; it’s all about my special alone time with the girls.  It is a chance for them to know who I am in their lives and for me to marvel at their unique personalities.  We play, we talk, we laugh our deep belly laughs that echo their way into my very being.  I hold onto the simplest memories of our time together; playing train or farm or dollhouse, baking cookies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate.  They become what sustains me until we are together to do it all over again.     

It is hard for me to think of a time when I was without them in my life.  How empty it must have been!  And how sad you must have been to hear me say over and over again that I didn’t need to play this role; that I didn’t need to have this unbridled love throwing me back into life.  I laugh and cry now more than I ever have.  I see the world through little eyes and short legs and it is filled with awe and beauty.  I have never loved anyone more deeply and completely than I do these two beautiful girls.  How lucky I am to be in this time and place where I have the honor of sitting back and watching these two lives unfold before my very eyes.  I am truly blessed.

Every time I get that little twinge in my heart over something they have done or said or some new thing that they can do, I think of you and I remember.  I remember over and over again your words and your deep desire for me to experience all of this.  I smile and say to myself, Dan was right.  He was so very right.  

Giving Thanks

Although this will be a very different Thanksgiving for me, the focus of the day does not change.  I am constantly in a state of gratitude these days.

I am able to work in a job I love.  It pays the bills and rewards me with untold love, affection and entertainment.  I have an incredible group of families that support and sustain me financially, emotionally and even spiritually.  I couldn't be happier.

I am enveloped with never ending love from my granddaughters.  These two girls have the most amazing smiles that melt away any concern that I may have had the second before they appeared.  I love watching them grow and change and become who they are meant to be.  Their love is overflowing and I am thrilled to catch it and swallow it up.

I am thankful for my daughter and son-in-law.  They have given my life more meaning than I ever thought it could hold.  I love journeying with them through all the physical and emotional challenges of raising 2 beautiful daughters.  I love the deep and meaningful conversations we are still somehow able to sustain throughout the often times chaotic households we find ourselves in.  I am blessed to be such an important part of their lives.

I am grateful for the friends who, despite my scheduling challenges continue to work with me to find time for face to face friendship so that our relationships continue to grow and feed my spirit.  It isn't easy but it is always worth the effort.  We leave one another happier and stronger because of our time together.

I am lucky to still have my grandfather and parents leading my path.  I depend on them more than they know.  They model for me ways to live an honest and authentic life, always remaining true to your beliefs, morals and convictions.  They have made me a stronger woman than I could ever possibly be on my own.

I am thankful for my sister/friend.  We are more than sisters and the older we get, the more we bring to one another.  She understands me in ways that no one else in the world ever will.  I love growing older with her at my side and can't wait for our next adventure.

I give thanks for my brother and sister-in-law who can make me laugh when no one else can.  I love sharing my day care adventures with Vickie.  She gets it and knows what I am feeling before I even know it myself.  The two of them are an incredible example of getting through the tough stuff and remaining true to the love that first brought you together.  I constantly marvel at the bond of their relationship.

Although it may sound cliche, I am deeply grateful for my health.  My sister had a very close call this year and the thought of losing her overwhelmed me in ways that were difficult to comprehend.  It seems in the past few weeks, I have been inundated with messages from friends and family whose loved ones have become terribly ill.  It is the constant reminder to be grateful for all that we have today.  The world and all its inhabitants are fleeting and transient.  Stay in the moment and don't wait for tomorrow.

So on this Thanksgiving 2012 I say thank you.  Thank you to all the people who touch my life in profound ways.  Thank you for not only loving me, but for taking the time to show it and say it out loud.  I am eternally grateful and am a better person because of your presence in my life.

In Search of God - or something like that

There I said it, now I have to do it.  I am in search of God, once again.  It has been 14 years since my divorce from my husband and the Catholic Church.  The latter has taken much longer and been much more difficult.  I have walked over the threshold of several Catholic churches and back again many times trying to be a "good" Catholic or maybe just trying to forgive the church for being so blind.  How can they eliminate so many good and loving people from their congregation because we happen to be divorced or gay?  I will never understand it and clearly never get over it.

The church talk came up during The Cousins' Trip a couple times, sometimes over a glass or two of wine and sometimes morning coffee.  So it started to stick and grow inside of me.  My cousin gave me a suggestion about where to start looking and today was the birth of my journey.  Like all journeys, I don't know where it will lead or how it will end but I am ready to begin.  Being the age I am brings a lot of preconceptions to the faith department that I may or may not be able to reconcile.  In all honesty I loved Catholic worship.  It was full of ritual, customs, music and prayer.  I'm still searching for that without the blinders and politics that come with the Catholic package.  I really don't want to be a part of an organized religion because I don't want my prayer life to be tied to my checkbook..  I also have some weird little quirks about literal bible translations and assumptions about evangelical faiths.  I'm slowly learning with the help of Google that most non-denominational churches actually have some ties to the evangelical movement.  I have tried Unity and liked parts of it but it was just too vague and ambiguous for me to benefit from spiritually.  And that's what this is all about for me, to find a spiritual home. 

The Gym

A few weeks ago I came to terms with the fact that if I was going to keep this running thing going, I was going to have to join the gym.  Why?  Because of darkness!  A few months ago I thought I could solve this problem by simply wearing a headlamp and carry on as usual.  But darkness brings more than the absence of light.  It brings out people who don't want to be seen in daylight.  I'm at a certain age and I simply don't want to deal with things that can be potentially dangerous like falling down or being hurt in some way. So the headlamp has moved out of my running gear and gone into the camping supplies.  And I am making regular trips to Club One.  The first trip was one of the most painful things I have done in quite a while.  Running on a treadmill is just boring compared to being outside in the fresh air.  But I wasn't ready for the heat.  I did a 6 mile run and walked out of that place soaked.  Since then, I had to recover from the Healdsburg Half Marathon so it meant I wasn't doing that much running.  The good news is that I have been able to rebuild my distance again on the treadmill.  I am learning what to "watch" while I run.  One of the most enjoyable runs I've had so far was watching the final presidential debate.  That would have been painful no matter what I was doing, so why not get a run in while you're at it.

The next step of my gym journey was to meet with a trainer.  I wasn't looking forward to this but I also knew I needed to balance my running with some strength training.  All I wanted was for him/her to just hand me a program and let me go on my merry way.  But that was not to be.  Oh no.  They want to get to know you and weasel you into a training program.  So along the way they did some evaluation - weight, blood pressure, measurement of different parts of the body, bicep strength, squats, and pushups.  I knew that I was in better shape than I have ever been before but I had no idea how that would play out in a numbers game.  My numbers kept coming up in the physically fit category and bordering on an athlete.  I have never thought of myself as an athlete so the term just made me giggle.  But when the measurement of my body fat came out at 19% I stood up and took notice.  And for my final smile of the night, the trainer informed me that my athletic age is not my chronological 58 but rather 54.  How about that?  A few months of run/walking and I just gained 4 years.  Awesome!

Last Weekend Continued: The Healdsburg Half

Last weekend was not only my dream come true of riding in a hot air balloon over the vineyards of Sonoma County but it was also the culmination of 7 months of training to run a half marathon.  This is something that last March was simply not in my wildest dreams or even a remote possibility.  Back then I was only working towards running a 5K.  Back then I was also on anti-inflammatory drugs just so I could walk around the house.  Enter the most amazing chiropractor ever and my first experience with my body saying NO to my head.  Over the past few months, I have learned to listen to people who know more than I do as well as the little flinches and throbs of my back, hip and thighs.  Somehow I have gone from running 3 miles to 13 miles.  Now I am still not all out running but there is definitely more running than walking going on!

The selection of Healdsburg was merely by chance.  My original plan was the San Jose Rock and Roll Half marathon, because a) it's flat and b) I've walked it before and knew if worse came to worst I could at least finish it walking.  But it didn't quite fit the training schedule because of our early October cousins' trip to Santa Cruz.  So when I did my search and found a half that was in my favorite town of northern California and also served wine afterwards I was in!

My only concern was the "rolling hills" they briefly mentioned on the web site. I don't do hills and I didn't do any training on them unless you count walking The Dish at Stanford a few times.  I drove the course the night before and was appalled.  There weren't a lot of them but there were definitely more hills than I had ever run before.  I resigned myself to giving up any thought of a new record or even keeping a 12 minute pace.

The next morning in typical Tere-style, my brain argued with itself about what was possible and what was a "good" idea.  So by the time I reached the start line I knew exactly what was about to happened.  I started off ready to walk the first quarter to half mile and slowly get into my regular pace for as long as I could.  I would walk the hills and run in the last mile or so hoping to stay close to a 12 minute pace.    I started off walking but it didn't last long.  As those around me started running so did I.  I was surrounded by fog and loved it.  I started my run and my mind roamed about as it always does.  The first 2 miles were very emotional for me; I'm still not sure why.  Part of it I know was total disbelief that I was actually pulling it off.  But I think most of it was because Maria, knowing the thumps and bumps along the way had come to see me cross the finish line.  Not only her, but Bill and the kids too.  This was a huge sacrifice for them and I knew exactly how challenging it had been.

The miles slipped by and I took the hills in stride.  My pace was steady and consistent.  Around about mile 8 there was a pain I had never felt before making itself known to me.  As the intensity grew, the gnawing in the back of my mind went from questioning the cause to what I should do about it.  Nothing was making a difference  I tried several times to stop and stretch it out.  That relieved it for about 4 or 5 strides and then it was back again.  I tried walking it out.  No difference there either.  So my choice was to throw in the towel or somehow make it to the finish line.  I sucked it up and prayed I wasn't doing anything stupid, put my head down and walked/ran my way to the finish line.  From mile 10 to 13 there was a lot of cursing going on under my breath but somehow I kept plodding along.  There is nothing in the world that could have prepared me for the last half mile.  I was absolutely overjoyed to be finishing the race and gave it everything that I had left  Crossing the finish line, I would swear I saw myself from behind.  Within minutes I saw Maria walk by with Callie and in that instant my joy was complete!  I had done it and I overflowed with pride, gratitude for everyone who had gotten me there, and an unimaginable depth of love for Maria, Bill, Callie, and Lucia for being there to share in that moment.  It was a moment that will never be repeated and can never be adequately described in words.  Perhaps the picture below will help.  I still find it difficult to believe that it happened but pictures don't lie; they only stop time. 

My recovery is complete and I am getting mentally ready to do it again.  Monterey, here I come!

Life List: Hot Air Balloon Ride

This item on the life list is most likely the thing that started it all.  A little more than 18 years ago I had the notion that I would like to celebrate my 40th birthday by riding in a hot air balloon with my family.  There was only one problem; no one in my family was willing to join me.  So for the past 18 years it has been both a point of sadness and a dream.  Well, it seems that my children did not forget.  My son and his girlfriend purchased a groupon thing for a hot air balloon ride in Santa Rosa for my birthday.  A couple things happened and the universe moved things in alignment so I would just happen to be in the Santa Rosa area this past weekend.  That is a separate post to come!

 

The balloon ride was absolutely everything that I thought it would be - quiet, peaceful, that sensation of floating in air.  But this little venture had an added bonus.  The company included every aspect of ballooning in the package.  We were there, and could be a part of it all from beginning to end.  We watched them inflate the balloon and heat the air, tip the basket up and launch it.  We also saw how the balloon was deflated and packed away for the next day.  I don't know if everyone would want that included in their hot air balloon ride, but for me, who had waited so long for this to happen, it was an added bonus.  

Daycare September 2012

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Life List: Thighs

Officially, here is the item on the list, Look in the mirror with my fitness pants on and not see the side bulge at the top of my thighs.

This is difficult to gauge or measure but I'm calling it done! As I move my hands down the side of my body from my waist, it goes in a straight line. Point #2: I am willing to wear compression fitness pants in public. Yep. That's a done deal.

Summer Fun

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Life List: Walk the Golden Gate Bridge

On the way...the beauty of fog on the hills along 280

In honor of my approaching birthday I treated myself to one of the items on my life list.  And it was so worth it.  Those who don't live here will not see the beauty in the fog on the bridge but the locals know there is a sense of mystery to it.  And when it does lift, you are given an amazing gift.  Gifts are valued for their rarity so it is OK to be in the fog in the everyday.

Ready to walk

Heading through the first tower

Happy me!

Coming through the north tower

Love the daddy/daughter icon

Heading back

View of the Marin headlands

Starting to clear...

Pain in the Silence

Silence is golden.  Most of the time I would agree with that old adage.  Silence brings a peacefulness that allows your mind to wander and think great thoughts.  But when silence takes over where there once was noise, there is an awkwardness in the air, one that only time will heal.  I went through this feeling several months ago when Jack became ill.  Coming home to an empty house took me weeks to get over.  Now it seems I am also to become the owner of an empty yard as well.  In the past 2 weeks I have lost all 3 of my hens.  The quiet seems to be everywhere.  I entered into raising chickens with the knowledge that all kinds of things could take them out - raccoons, opossums, disease.  They gave me 2+ years of fun - watching them grow from chicks to pullets to hens, laying eggs first in the laying boxes but then what turned into our daily egg hunts, feeding and watering them became one of our daily pleasures with the day care kids.  I will miss the girls but mostly their clucking and waddling out to greet us as we came through the gate.  Today the emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I was raking up the wayward feathers there was a deadly silence interrupted only by the scratches of the squirrels scurrying up the redwoods.  So that's what is left of "Grandma's farm."  But, fear not, the chickens will be replaced next week.  3 more baby chicks have been ordered and should arrive on Tuesday.  However, I'm not sure this group will be named.  For one thing, it's too hard to tell them apart and for another the next time I have to say good-bye to an animal I'd rather not call it by name. 

Pondering the Other Alternative

A common response to complaints about life is often short and to the point; it beats the alternative.  The alternative is, in a nut shell, not being here.  Death is not something I think a lot about.  I've had my share of losing loved ones but not like most people have.  I am blessed to still have my grandfather and parents, as well as  most of my aunts and uncles still walking the earth.  This past week I pondered losing one of the most important people in my life.  My sister has been fighting C. diff for the past 3 years.  One of the things we both have  in common is that we tend to believe that everything will turn out in the end.  She is one of the most positive people I have ever met.  However, this last bout had beaten her down pretty low.  I don't think I've ever heard her as resigned to fate or destiny or whatever as she was last weekend.  Despite the knowledge that everyone she knew was praying for her and that her son and daughter-in-law were willing to make incredible sacrifices, she just couldn't believe she would ever be rid of the nasty bacteria.

Tuesday she was scheduled to undergo a medical procedure that we all knew was a last ditch effort.  She had been through every drug thought to have been effective against C. diff, both tested and experimental.  Some of them she had done 2 or 3 times with no effect.  She had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, thanks to the American medical system which is run by insurance companies who make all the rules.  If you don't fall into their rules, you pay!  So not only was she sick but knowing full well that she was digging a financial hole deeper and deeper every time the C. diff struck again.

I knew this was a horrible little germ that could eventually take its final toll on her.  When you can't eat, the body simply cannot continue to function in the way it needs to.  I assumed that eventually organs would shut down.  But the more I read about the disease, the more of that yuck feeling set in.  I would read and deny, read and deny.  How could my sister not be here when my 104 year old grandfather was?  How could this amazing woman simply cease to be that shoulder for me to lean on?  No!  That was not going to happen.  We still had plans, lot of plans.  She is a significant part of my Life List.  I could not imagine life without her.  But Monday and Tuesday, that is exactly what I did.  I remembered all the crazy things we did in times gone by.  We have lived very parallel lives - marriage, kids, divorce, and rising out of the ashes to become home owners and independent women who have found joy in our freedom.  I thought about the future that lies ahead.  I needed her beside me on my journey.  Yes, I do know how selfish that sounds.  And that is the pain in "the alternative."  We are left alone with our plans for tomorrow.  Alone. 

And now for the happy ending...  The procedure was a success.  She is back to eating again and finding the joy of simple pleasures in life.  She is slowly but surely sounding more and more positive and regaining her belief that everything will fine.  I am back to planning and looking forward instead of backward.  So here is to my sister, to dreams fulfilled, to travels together, to my third shoulder.  I love you

Welcome Lucia Anna

Tomorrow morning we will officially welcome Lucia Anna into her loving family.  She has already blessed us in so many ways.  So, to the happiest baby I've ever met, may you be blessed in little and big ways.  

 

Lucia Anna, we welcome you into this community of love with open arms.

You have been born from and into love.  May you always be embraced by it and know the strength that it will bring you. 

May you walk in wisdom and grace in all things.

Learn to listen to your heart.  It will lead you to true happiness.

You are the one and only you. You have been born for a purpose that no one else can fulfill. Believe in yourself and become who you were meant to be.
 

Live mindfully and fearlessly.  Laugh.  Follow your dreams.  And dance.

Going Back In Time

My last bike ride was a conscious effort to go back in time. Several years ago my teaching journey took me to George Mayne Elementary School in Alviso. The town of Alviso had always had a soft spot in my heart. It is just one of those pockets in the bay area that has somehow retained its original identity. Horrible things have happened to that town because of some very poor planning by the water district. The years I was teaching there, they were just starting to pick themselves up and start over. I had heard that changes had been made so I was anxious to see the little town. In once upon a time time, you would drive down Lafayette Street out of Santa Clara past the golf course and once the street sign changed to Gold Street you knew you were someplace else. You were surrounded by wooden structures, wider streets, the bay on your left and what was left of the town on your right. There is a long history to Alviso. It was once a bustling entrance to the San Francisco Bay. All that was left to time and weather so in my time here it was never a pretty town but you always had the feeling that there was an incredible spirit that had been left behind by its residents. Imagine my surprise when as I crossed that imaginary line into town I saw some kind of residence inn on my left and an educational center on my right. The water looked good and they have made it possible to launch your boat once again but it all looked wrong. So very wrong. They are building high density housing where those pink and yellow houses used to be. So sad to lose the identity that this town used to have. Even the parks looked wrong. As I left town it hit me, it just looks like more San Jose. Why is it that today's architects and city planners make everything look the same? The signs are an ugly brown and concrete walls are everywhere. Are they keeping people in or out? What on earth are we afraid of? But on the bright side, when I arrived in town, I got out of my car and was greeted with the smell of skunk. I can't tell you how many mornings I started teaching with that odor in my nostrils. And as I came out of the Guadalupe Trail, I heard roosters crowing. HAH! They haven't booted out the roosters yet. I know their time will come but I only pray that some young Alvisan will rise up and say NO, this is not who we are. And the building will stop. No more condos. No more walls. The skunks and roosters can remind us of so much that once was.

Just Be Nice

This is a phrase that keeps echoing in my head.  It is something that I recently heard over and over again at a high school graduation party.  Parents were saying that when it comes down to it, all they really want is for their kids to be nice.  This is huge when I think about all the things that a parent may want for their 18 year old almost adult.  That is what all our parenting is about - just be nice.  It also popped up in a discussion with a friend about her aging mother.  Why can't she just be nice?  Now this is not something that just happened - she didn't get not nice because she was old.  But when you're trying to get good medical care for your mother, it might change things if the patient could be nice.

So what does it mean to be nice?  In my toddler world, it is don't hit, kick, pinch, bite or push.  But all good teachers know that you don't define anything in the negative.  Be nice is use your inside voice, treat everything and everyone gently.  To the parents of 18 years old it is to treat others with respect, and once again to use that inside voice and be gentle.  And to the aging parent it is to accept that others may know more than you do and to listen without judgment.  There is no need to say out loud every little thing that comes into your head and to realize that your life and well being are now in the hands of others.  So just be nice.

But what is it really?  It is to smile when someone makes eye contact with you.  We don't do enough of that anymore.  And when we do, we get it right back.  Smiles are one of the most contagious things around.  That's the thing about being nice; the effects are immediate.  And while you're at it, say hello.  Once again that doesn't happen enough anymore.  We have sort of lost the art of greeting one another when me meet and saying goodbye when we leave.  Part of being nice is also the art of politeness.  It is saying please and thank you and you're welcome.  It is also saying no thank you and excuse me. 

Being nice is being a positive force in the universe.  It is to look at life and each other in the best of terms.  Finding the beauty in the world instead of what is wrong is a perspective that sometimes takes practice.  But once accomplished, it is hard to go back.

Practice humility.  None of us is better than anyone else.  We have all been gifted in different ways.  Accept that everyone has their journey with highs and lows and that if we help each other along the way the path gets a little easier for everyone.  When we boast and brag or put ourselves above someone else it can only result in the other person feeling sad or less than equal.  Being nice lightens everyone's load and makes the world a better place.

Help each other.  When someone falls down, help them get up.  An ice pack or a band aid go a long way at my house.  If they are sick, give them a call or send a card and let them know that you are thinking of them.  When you accidentally bump them, apologize.  It's the little things in life that make all the difference.

Be nice.  It is what I am trying to teach my daycare kids.  It is what I try my hardest to model to everyone I meet.  It is still a struggle sometimes but if we all try a little harder the world will definitely be a nicer place for each and every one of us.

Fun at Work

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In the Blink of an Eye...

In the blink of an eye everything can change. This is a phrase that keeps popping up at the oddest times. I am struck by how quickly the known and routine can suddenly be blasted into smithereens so that it is unrecognizable. I am at an age where I am developing a bit of perspective. Some things in life seem to on and on endlessly while others are here and gone. What we know and trust to be true and assume will go on forever are simply gone or at least dramatically changed.

Last Christmas Eve began predictably and suddenly with the bark of the family pet whom everyone trusted and adored, our lives were turned upside down. What followed that bark was the scream of a toddler followed by the shriek of her mother. My granddaughter's face was scarred and none of us who were there will ever be the same.

On Memorial Day, my son-in-law was in a freak incident that resulted in 20 stitches on his right hand as well as a severed tendon. In the blink of an eye he became a spectator parent and my daughter the sole caretaker of a somewhat less than mellow 2 year old and her baby sister. Parenting 24/7 never meant as much to me as it does now. On minimal sleep she feeds, dresses, bathes, and gets both kids ready for bed. She deals with the toddler tantrums as well as breastfeeding the baby. She carries on with her social commitments and continues to challenge herself in the parenting department. It is something to behold.

In the blink of an eye everything changes. We simply stand up and take the next step forward. What was, is no longer. We look at the puzzle pieces remaining and somehow put them together again to make a picture, not the picture we thought it was going to be but a beautiful picture nonetheless. We are strengthened by the challenges and walk a little taller knowing that we have been tested. There will be more to come; we know not when. And in the blink of an eye what we believed to be true will change once again.

Life List - Run a 5K

A few months ago I set a goal to run a 5K so it naturally landed on my Life List.  I don't really know what I had in mind when I set that goal; whether it was really running for the full 3.1 miles or just running more than walking.  I read somewhere that running is defined as having both feet off the ground simultaneously.   Most people consider a 12 minute mile as a run and anything below that as walking.  Whatever the definition, I am considering my "run" yesterday as meeting my goal.  I completed the See Jane Run 5K in Alameda in 35:43, my best time ever and even under by best training run of 36 minutes. 

I have to say, it feels a little strange to have met the goal so quickly.  But the reality is that I am moving on.  My next race begins the 10K segment of my summer and I will end with a half marathon in October.  So for the moment, I will just take a breath and enjoy the moment.  Woo hoo.  I did it.  I thank my chiropractor and my friends and family who have supported me, but especially, my daughter,  Maria!

My Life List

A life list is a little like a bucket list only bigger.  It can include anything that fits you and your dreams. Here is my list as it stands today.  However, this is a work in progress, as is everything else in my life.

Places I  Want to Go
Mayan ruins (February 2006)
Italy (June 2007)
Alaska (July 2010)
Eiffel Tower - half done; I still want to go up the elevator (2010 thanks to Bill Carter!)
San Juan Islands August 2016
Stonehenge June 2014
Ireland June 2014
Greece
Pyramids in Egypt
The fall leaves in the northeast with my sister
Machu Picchu
Cuba
Natchez Trail April 2014
Australia
Catalina - don't know why I haven't been there yet (July 2015)
Mesa Verde - again!

Things I  Want to Do With My Life
Be a mom (1977, 1979)
Teach(1990)
Publish something (2020)

Volunteer in my grandchild's classroom
Work in a plant nursery

Things I Want to Do for Fun
Hike part of the John Muir Trail (August 2000 - Mist Trail to Vernal Falls)
Snorkel(2006 - Mexico)

Walk a half marathon(October 2009 - San Jose Rock and Roll Half Marathon)

Run a 5K (June 3, 2012 See Jane Run - Alameda, California)
Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge - why haven't I done this?(July 28, 2012)
Ride in a hot air balloon (October 13, 2012 Santa Rosa, California)
Go white water rafting
Vacation with my grandchildren - this is still one of my favorite memories of my grandparents June 2016
Build something out of wood
Hike the Grand Canyon
Make a souffle - I don't think I like them but it seems to be the apex of bakers
Ride on the back of my brother's motorcycle (SOLD 2023)
Drive a stick shift
See my grandchildren graduate
Look in the mirror with my fitness pants on and not see the side bulge at the top of my thighs April 2014
Learn to knit
Bike Napa
Learn to speak French
Kayak June 2014
Carve a pumpkin that I grew from seed - maybe this fall
Take a cooking class in a foreign country Italy June 2015
Step foot in all 50 states - I don't have many to go
Zip line somewhere - I had the chance in Alaska but was too scared Santa Cruz Mountains June 2016
See the Aurora Borealis

Things I Want to Do for My Spiritual Growth
Follow through on a gratitude journal (January 2013)
Get better at breathing through yoga April 2013
Conquer meditation June 2014
Find a place of worship that feeds my spirit October 2015
Answer the question "Who am I?" without a title

Living a Simpler Life

I miss my blog.  I often think about blogging and then my mind goes a little blank.  When I was teaching, things would happen and I would say to myself, "Hmmm.... I think I want to write about that later."  And I would.  It was rare if I didn't post at least once a week.  In this new life, I just feel so content.  I hardly ever think about things that are bothering me.  My writing has always been about issues that I couldn't resolve any other way.  I find myself just sort of floating through life now.  There are still things happening that aren't all sunshine and rainbows but nothing big.  I'm not dealing with adolescent angst or parents that just don't get it.  There are no politics at play here.  I have issues throughout my work day but we deal with them and they are gone.  Poof.  They don't stay in the back of my head irritating me the way they used to.  I know that part of it is being home.  I love being here, surrounded with everything I love.  I can do whatever I need to do when I need to do it.  There is no, "when I get home, I need to..." going on in my head.  It is calm and peaceful. 

This is a simple life and I'm clearly not bothered by things the way I used to be.  But why is it that I have so little to write about?  That certainly wasn't true of Buddha or Thoreau.  They removed themselves from the world and wrote about deep and spiritual topics.  Maybe I'm just not that deep.  Maybe when you remove all the chaos of the outside work world, I'm a lot like my grandfather and simply take each day as it comes.  Or maybe this is part of growing up and no longer being bothered by the little things that used to overwhelm me.

I love writing and I miss it now that the topics don't seem to show themselves.  Perhaps it's time for me to take out my heart map and just write about things I care about.  Writing from the point of view of love and gratitude rather than the kid or parent that ticked me off could be interesting.  Let's just see what comes up...

Fitness Update

OK.  Progress is being made.  So much progress that I am hopeful that this will be the last post about my physical woes for a long long time.  Yes, I'm getting older and yes, there is pain involved.  So let's get over it and focus on the positive.  I continue to walk 2 or 3 times a week.  Sometimes I am bad and I run.  I am uber-aware of my SI joint and stop when there is the slightest twinge of anything - tightness, pain, anything.  This past week I put in a 5 mile walk and met my goal of a 12 minute pace.  I don't know why that was important to me beyond the fact that 12 was less than 13 and I'm bored with 13! 

My chiropractor advised me to do some yoga, swim and bike.  She will be proud when I tell her at my next visit  that I'm doing all three. 

Yoga - I found a yoga studio close-by and have been going weekly.  I like it but in all honesty, it is getting expensive.  I have also found some great yoga shows that I am taping and doing on my own at home.  The beauty of it is that I can watch it, replay it and do it again.  That works for someone like me who competes with herself to do it and do it right. 

Swimming - I struggled to figure this one out.  I could go to the senior center 3 blocks from my house but our hours only coincide on Saturday mornings.  I could go to the public pools but do I really want to expose these thighs to previous students I have taught that I may run into?  I could go to the Y but I quite frankly don't trust the water there.  I know how many people are in that pool and what they may have done while they were there!  I could join a private pool but once again, the ugly money thing raises its head.  So yesterday, I went to the senior center and was very pleased.  There were lots of pudgy women like myself and the payoff was worth it.  The bonus is that I am working on my lung capacity - one of the things that got all this fitness stuff started.  A few months ago, all I wanted to do was figure out how to run without running out of air.  Well, it looks like swimming will deal with the breathing thing.

Biking - This morning I went on my first real bike ride since last summer.  I chose Coyote Creek Trail because I have never done it (remember, I am easily bored) and I had heard from a friend what a beautiful place it is.  Imagine my pleasure when I realized that I now own a car that will hold a bike either direction, vertically or horizontally.  No dismantling the wheel and reassembling necessary.  So off I went to Coyote Creek Park.  I put in 14 miles in 1 1/2 hours.  That sounds pretty good to me but I have no idea if it is or not. 

That's the great thing about this cross training thing.  I don't become obsessed with time and distance because I am changing it up all the time.    In yoga, I'm just trying to get through the stretches without pain.  In the pool I am focused completely on my lungs.  Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I swam competitively as a child.  I don't remember struggling to breathe!  And on the bike, I'm thinking about the pain in my butt.  I've been told that will pass.  If not, I foresee a new bike seat or some padded shorts in my future.

So that is the state of things.  Through exercise and yoga, I am strengthening my muscles to hold my joints and bones.  There is pain now and then but nothing I can't handle.  I am aging and evidently that is just something that is going to hurt.  I still feel healthy and give thanks every single day when I wake up and am able to get out of bed.  Perhaps the little twinges are just a quiet reminder that I'm alive.  I love challenging myself and meeting the challenge.  And I love that I have people in my life who can support me and help me figure out ways around the pain.  That seems to be what this stage is all about; challenges I set for myself and friends and family that cheer me on.  So here's to finding new ways to exercise so that I can remain healthy.

A Lovely Mother's Day

I am in an amazing place in life.  My children appreciate me for who I am.  They respect what I have done and what I am doing.  Many people live their whole lives without coming to that point.  I just had one of my best Mother's Days ever. 

I started the day by crying through a blog post of my daughter's.  She said everything any mother would wish for her child to say as she became a mother herself.  The funny thing to me is that I distinctly remember watching her as a new mom 2 years ago and thinking that she is so much better at this than I ever was!  It's all in the perspective. 

I met my son for coffee and we had a great conversation.  It is so good just to have time to sit and talk.  We talked about school and work and relationships and movies and politics.  Those are the talks I love.  They flow in and out and when you're done, you say, that was good. Later in the day, I received a delivery of a fruit arrangement from him.  So thoughtful and delicious. 

I spent the afternoon in one of my favorite places in the world - Central Park in Santa Clara.  It is full of mothering memories for me.  What better place to be on Mother's Day than with your child and grandchildren in the place that you loved as a mom?  We picnicked, walk around the pond, and hung out in the playground while Callie played.  An amazing afternoon. 

My heart is full as I write this.  Mother's Day hasn't always been my favorite day on the calendar.  Some of them have been hard - that's the only word for it.  But this one was definitely a good one.  I am loved.  I am respected.  I am appreciated for all that I have done.  That feels good.  I am thrilled that my children are able to say thank you and that I am in a place where I can graciously accept it and know that we are all better when we take the time to speak what is in our hearts.  I'm not a fan of these "Hallmark Holidays" but I am grateful that it gives us the opportunity to say I love you.  

The Walking/Running Thing

The past month has taught me things about my personality that I would never have known any other way.  As much as I have told myself, I can't run, given the right situation, I can't keep myself from running.  I am not, I repeat, I am not a competitive person.  I stay as far away as I can from competitive sports.  Anything I do, I do alone.  Walk, Swim, Yoga, Bike.  Those are all things you do for the most part alone.  But the reality is that when I am in a group walking/running situation, I run.  Two weeks ago I did the Big Sur 5K.  It was my first test.  My goal was to do a 13 minute pace which would have been a 39 minute walk.  However, at the .5 mile mark what loomed in front of me was a hill, and not a small hill.  My head immediately told my body - no way you're doing a 13 minute mile, you better start running.  So from time to time throughout the 5K, when the urge hit me, I ran.  I was happy with my ending 38 minute time.  But within an hour, I was in pain, a pain that I couldn't seem to stretch out.  I knew I had done too much but the truth is that I didn't really care.  I still believed, no matter the evidence to the contrary, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.  A week later I was in the chiropractor's office learning more about my body and its weird makeup.  It turns out that I am definitely out of alignment, the kind of out of alignment the causes real pain just in lying down on a hard surface.  We messed a bit with her skeleton and I got it.  Bone on bone hurts.  OK.  I'm done running.  For the next week and a half on my walks, I really did walk.  No running.  At all.  Then on Saturday I did another 5K.  I knew 30 minutes before the race that I wasn't going to be able to walk.  I'm not sure if it's the energy I feel before these races or it's just my hardheadedness.  I walked and I ran, I walked and I ran.  End result; another 38 minute 5K.  But the sad thing was that I wasn't happy about it.  38?  38?  Again!  Shouldn't I be getting better?  Shouldn't I be getting faster?  I was getting better because this one didn't hurt.  But the reality is that nothing is ever going to change in my skeleton.  I can't untwist my spine.  I can't lower my left hip so that it's in alignment with my right.  All I can do is say good-bye to races.  My brain will never let this stuff go.  So I will do a 5K next month and a few 10Ks, followed hopefully by my last half marathon in October.  Then I promise to act my age.  I will walk.

Aging; The Physical Side

I have often posted about reflections of where I am on my life journey; looking back, looking forward, pondering the family tree but it has always just been in my head. Now I can feel exactly where I am on the journey and the only word that comes to mind is ouch. A few months ago, I had set a goal for myself to transition from being a walker to a jogger. I knew that I would never move into the realm of running but I wanted to at least have both feet off the ground simultaneously. I did what I thought were all the right moves. I consulted people who knew me and how to go about it in a healthy way. I bought a few little tidbits that would help - better shoes, a GPS watch and heart monitor. And then I took off with the help of my iPhone app Couch to 5K. I was well on my way until a few weeks ago. On a random Wednesday morning I came back from my morning walk/run and could barely make it in the house. Somewhere around the 8th step past the doorway I missed one and my back seized. I somehow got through the day of lifting babies, icing my back on and off, and taking ibuprofin. The next day it was slightly better but that was the only improvement there was to be for a while. A few days later I drug myself to Kaiser and got the typical prescription for anti-inflammatories and even a serious pain killer but still no long term relief. I am now under the care of a chiropractor for the first time in my life. She is amazing but this is clearly going to be a long journey. I am learning a lot about bones, joints, ligaments and muscles but the crux of the matter is that there is no hope of me becoming a jogger or runner. I have scoliosis and a sacroilliac joint that has simply had enough of my shenanigans. I am limited to walking, cycling, swimming and yoga. The word limit is not one that I am very familiar with. I have always believed I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I am beginning to realize what it means to say can't. I can't walk more that a mile and a half a day. I can't do basic things like bend over and pick something up without wincing. I can't trust my body. That is the heart of it. So this is aging. Saying no to things that I have taken for granted for my entire life. It is no longer believing that I can set a goal and be able to accomplish it. It is being in pain and then being surprised when the pain is gone and remembering that this is what it used to be. It has created in me a sense of gratitude that I have never felt before - I am thankful when I stand up and my legs actually move forward, thankful that I CAN walk, thankful that I can continue to work and take care of myself. I am hopeful that I will one day be painfree but I know there is no guarantee of that. In the meantime I will continue walking every day for as long as I possibly can.

Daycare

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An Unexpected Change

I have always enjoyed walking but have never really taken the time to do it regularly. Well, all that has changed since I retired from teaching. I have daylight time to walk either before or after work and for the first time am taking advantage of it. A few years ago I got semi-serious about this because I wanted to do a half marathon and believed the years were zipping by and I had better do it before I couldn't. Well, here I am almost 3 years later and in my opinion am already in better shape than I was before I did that half marathon. I am a regular walker of the Stanford Dish, have sort of conquered Windy Hill and have created a "training" schedule. I am walking 3 miles 3 days a week and putting in an additional walk on the weekend. Before I knew it I found myself at Road Runner buying a real pair of shoes and socks and have added to my athletic wear wardrobe.

Well a funny thing happened a week or so ago. I suddenly started mixing in some jogging with the walking. This was nothing I planned but once it started my obsessiveness kicked in and I couldn't let it go. So now I find myself trying to move into the jogging world and have very little idea of how to go about it. I have registered for several 5ks and 10ks - one a month from now through October and am very anxious to see where this is all headed. I, for one, have no idea but it is exciting to be challenging myself in a very different way.

Grandpa 2012

As February moves on week by week, it brings thoughts of Grandpa's birthday. My grandfather will celebrate his 104th birthday on March 2. Many years ago I realized there was nothing I could give him besides my words - words that showed

him how important he has been in my life, words that retell the story of our love affair, words that will last forever. The first few years I had no concern of where those words would come from. But as time marched on I approached the gift with reservations - what would I say that I hadn't already said, what would be my metaphor for the love we have shared, how do I tell him all that he is and has been to me? This year I had an added concern; where would I find the time to write the letter. Once again I had no need for any of that needless worry - a lesson that he tried his best to teach me decades ago. This year's letter was written during nap time today. It turns out that all I ever need to express my love for Grandpa is a few quiet moments.

Dear Grandpa,

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t been sitting beside you while you read my card and letter. It is sad not to feel your arms around me but my Grandma Tere duties call. In a few short days you will have another great great grandchild adding the next branch to your family tree and I will be here to greet her and tell her all about the amazing man who stands at the trunk of that tree.

Baby Girl, your great great grandfather is like no one who has been before or will ever come again. He has loved each of us more completely than any one person ever could. He accepts us for who we are with no judgment or criticism and he has been my idol from my very earliest memories. He is loving and strong. His wisdom knows no bounds and he will gladly share all that he knows with anyone who asks. He is, what someday you will know as, the salt of the earth. He learned long ago to take everything in stride. Whether it is a snowstorm or an unexpected death, he knows there is light just around the corner and he just has to patiently wait for happier times because he knows that they will come. He lives a simple, honest life and has shown each generation how important it is to be true to your beliefs and your family. We all look up to him. That is your great great grandpa, the most amazing man I have ever known. I hope that you will meet him soon but you will know him through my stories and your mommy’s and your daddy’s. We all stand in his shadow and know that he is what each of us strives to be – good and loving, strong and happy, wise and wonderful.

Grandpa, thank you for your wisdom through the years, your undying love, and for being such an amazing model for a life well lived. In return for the love you have given me, I promise to do the best I can to be everything to my grandchildren that you have been to me. I send you all my love, respect and admiration and wrap it up in the folds of this letter, praying that it will somehow take the place of your birthday hug. I love you.

Grandma Tere Continued

In just a few short weeks I will become a grandmother for the second time around. It is hard to imagine but just one look at my daughter tells me that time is getting short. Much like becoming a mom the second time, I can't imagine that I'll be able to love this little girl as much as I do Callie. But once again, my heart will crack open and my arms will open wide and there will be this amazing person who will change me in ways I never dreamed possible. I know she won't be anything like Callie and that will be the fun of it. I go to bed at night and think about her, wondering about her eyes and hair. I hear her voice in my dreams announcing her coming. When I imagine seeing her for the very first time I cry. I want to see her and meet her and know who she is just as I did her big sister. I want to hold her and look into those big blue eyes and say I love you, Baby Girl. I want to see her mommy and daddy swallowed up in the amazing love that comes the minute you see your baby for the first time and realize that life will never ever be the same. I want to see Miss Callie's face when she realizes this tiny little baby is who she has been talking to in Mommy's tummy. I want to watch her showing the new CG girl how everything is done in life.

In some ways I know a little something about this grandmother thing but in others it feels all brand new again. I can't wait for this sequel to begin. Come baby come. Show me the love that is to be born again inside of me. Break this heart wide open and prove once again that there is always room for one more.

Business Check-in Revisited

I am a home daycare provider. That is clearly what I have been called to do. I really thought it was something I was going to play around with for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do next. But this IS what I want to do. I have been researching the next step which in my mind was preschool but I'm just not willing to go through the school thing and the student teaching thing and the licensing thing. I'm just too old for all the hoops now. And the reality is that every day I am more and more convinced of the fun that this job brings.

Things I like about my job revisited:
Being home
Spreading the word of good health
"Teaching" on the fly
Watching children learn from one another
Playing with kids
Reading with kids
Baking with kids
Being a witness and guide on the side to language development
Just hanging out and being present in the moment
Finding beauty in the simple things of life
Introducing kids to painting, coloring and sculpting
Smiling, laughing, really laughing every single day

The greatest challenge to me being happy about my job is that other people are disturbed by my happiness. They see me as a teacher, a real teacher, one that goes to work and gets a paycheck. They are constantly laughing and shaking their heads when I talk about my day, my week. No one else seems to be able to put themselves in my shoes or even to accept the thought that I am happy with what I am doing. It is time to stop listening and to start standing up for what I do. I can't change people's minds about daycare providers or what I "should" be doing. But I can stop being part of the conversation.

Happy to Be Where I Am

Change happens constantly and unperceptively. I and everyone around me are constantly changing. I am changed by almost every contact I have in life. I learn more about myself with every day that goes by. I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. Just today alone I had breakfast with Ralph, a walk with 2 friends, ran errands that included purchasing toys for my daycare. I am not who I was when I got up this morning because of those conversations, decisions made and the voice in my head that is constantly questioning, observing and evaluating. I know this. But I am still surprised when I see it in someone else. Over the past few months something or someone has changed Ralph in new and wonderful ways. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't perceive it until it slapped me in the face. Looking back, I am so glad that he and I have stayed in relationship so that I was blessed to see and appreciate this seemingly new him. We have dinner/lunch/breakfast together once a week and the conversation is good. Yes, it is a conversation. We listen to one another and share our hopes and dreams for the future. We speak openly of our love of family, our children and grandchildren, and the work that we are about. When this all began I believed that he was responding to my vulnerability entering into a new business. But perhaps I was completely wrong about that and it was actually that he was revealing his own vulnerability to me and praying that I would protect it. The two of us have been through a lot together and separately. It hasn't been an easy journey but today we are lucky enough to call each other friends. Our relationship has been changed by so many things along the way. Marriage, separation, divorce, followed by years and years of finding our place in one another's lives. He was the one that believed in me more than anyone else when I left the classroom. He was the one that promised me no matter what happened, my mortgage and bills would be paid. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. It is good that through the years we have changed day by day and have come to be in this place in time; two people who understand and respect the other in ways that no one else can.

Business is Good

I haven't posted about work lately... I have been on a bit of a roller coaster with the direction I would like to go in the next year or two. When I look back on the past 5 months I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have to admit I didn't expect to be so successful so quickly. I expected the first few months to be bleak financially. But that has not been my experience. I am still being contacted by people who want my services.

I am currently at a crossroads that will either happen in the coming year or in the next few years. I am leaving it up to the universe or destiny or whatever you want to call it. What I know for certain is that caring for infants, toddlers and preschoolers is near impossible to do well. The different needs, feeding and nap schedules mean that I do little else besides change diapers, comfort and feed these little beings. I am a teacher at heart and really want to do more real teaching. I am amazed at the learning that goes on from ages 1 to 3. So I have already made the choice to not take infants any longer. An option to go into the preschool business is also on the table. I'm pretty sure that is where I'm heading, it's just a question of when and with whom. I sway back and forth between feeling pretty darn good about what I'm doing, to a burning desire to teach and back to wondering if I can't just tweak what I'm doing to make the preschool thing happen right here. I have no idea what will happen or what it will look like when it does. And that has always been the fun of my life. So for now I am happy where I am. It may all change dramatically in the next few months or it could just be a slow evolution where one day I wake up and I realize that I am no longer a day care provider but a preschool teacher instead. I love the fact that even though I am quickly approaching the end of my 6th decade, life continues to surprise me. So like I have always said to my friends, stay tuned...

Resolution to Withdraw

January 2nd - the end of the Christmas season, the second day of new resolutions, a day to breathe in and out and know that the future lies ahead. It was a pretty unusual holiday season this year. I can't say that I am sad to see it go. There was lots of family drama as everyone struggles to find their place in the mix, there was Callie's incident with Milo which I am still trying to let go of, and there is my constant thought about where I'm going in life.

I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to start a walking program 5 days a week so that was off the table for a resolution. So I looked inside. Since I started this job at home I have been constantly tied to Facebook and I knew that it was a problem. My Facebook friends are not my central core and my out of town family members really don't post very often so I felt like I was constantly inundated with posts about the mundane. I didn't feel like anything was going on in my life that I wanted to share with my kids as well as people I'm not really connected to so I made a decision to leave Facebook. A couple weeks ago I stopped posting and commenting and yesterday I made the break. Today was definitely odd not being able to check in whenever it crossed my mind but I know I'm healthier for it. I'm not reading about people's complaints about the weather or the soccer goal that some kid I've never met scored. This absence from Facebook has no deadline. I just knew that it was a problem for me. I have wasted so much time surfing Facebook when I could actually have been talking to people. Yesterday I talked to a dear friend as well as my aunt and uncle on the phone and it felt so good to be part of a conversation rather than a spectator to life. So we'll try this out for a while and see how it changes me.