It is Finished

The day is gray and rainy here in sunny Florida and that is as it should be.  Ralph Victor Giannini has passed on.  The race is done.  Ralph is gone much too soon but he did it on his terms.  Even when he couldn't speak the words he did it his way.  He had no greater fear than doing nothing, and worse yet not being able to do anything.  And that is exactly the situation he found himself in 10 days ago.  I am blessed that I was able to see him before he left the earth.  I will honor what we shared in our final visits as long as I live.  It is the ever present reminder of all the ways we can communicate love and caring - not in words but in looks, held eye contact, the touch of a hand on your arm or your cheek, the nod of your head that says you understand even when you can't communicate. Despite the legalities, we were tethered.  As I look back on our life together, it is clear that our love was deep and true.  It wasn't enough to sustain the daily rigors of marriage but we gave it our best shot.  I don't regret anything about our relationship - the love, the laughter, the kids, the chaos, not even the decline of what was left.  It is in the loving and the losing that we learn what life is really about.  Wisdom comes from loss.  And so today, as the rain comes so do the tears, the tears that would have been there no matter what.  I cry for him, for us, for our kids and our grandkids, and for all his students who have lost their mentor and greatest cheerleader they will ever know. 

Saying So Long

Yesterday I saw my friend, Ralph.  Ever since our divorce, I have referred to him as my friend rather than my ex-husband.  But I was in a situation yesterday where I tried to explain that I was Maria's mom and when confusion remained, I had to say I'm the ex-wife.  Yes, I went to see my dying ex-husband yesterday.  I am adjusting to that phrase.  We never had a typical divorce and were able to remain friends.  Despite the current fog that he is experiencing, he knew who I was and remembered afterwards that I had been there to visit him.  That's a huge thing.  But we have always gone back to to the fact that we know each other better than almost anyone in the world.  We lived together for 23 years.  I was married longer than I was with my parents or have been divorced.  We shared our lives together and still have a very strong connection.  I am extremely sad to be in a situation where I am saying good-bye or see you later or so long to this man.  I will see him again today and tomorrow and swallow up all the moments that I can with him.  In the end, he will know that what we had was good and true and something that some people never experience.  Speaking only for myself,  I loved him with everything in me.  So saying good-bye is something that I HAVE to do not want to do.  It is heart breaking and memories of this week will remain that way for the rest of my life.  His future remains uncertain but I leave him with my prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving for being such a loving and molding presence in my life.  Thank you Ralph.  Let God now wrap you in his loving embrace.  Peace.

Days with Mom and Dad

After only a couple months, we have fallen into a comfortable rhythm.  It is wonderful to be close enough to my parents just to be able get to them.  We've never had that before.  The 3,000 miles between us meant weeks of planning,  packing, and planning again - where and what to eat, what to do, where to go.  Time together was much more of an event than time together.  Now that I am within driving distance, we still plan our time together but it has this feeling of comfort and ease that has never been there before.  There are two versions.  When they come to see me, it means there is a project afoot.  It is a time for us to accomplish or create something together.  I get to see them at their strongest, their smartest, and their best selves.  But it is also the awareness of the remaining muscle and oxygen that is left in these two aging souls.  It is my honor to witness it and to step in when they need me or will let me.  I continue to learn ways to maintain my home without the experts from both of them in very different ways.  This version usually involves dirt and sweat so lunch is ham sandwiches, chips, and maybe cookies.  After clean up is happy hour and dinner out.  Version #2 is my favorite.  I drive down to see them.  If there is a project, it is usually packing it into my car.  But usually it is more, Hey, I want to show you this...  "This" could be a plan for an upcoming project, something on the computer or printer that has baffled them, or plants to be weeded or propagated.  It is slow and casual.  This day could be lunch at home or out but always ends with happy hour and dinner out.  The moments we have together I savor.  They are filled with stories, stories of work, stories of their youth or mine, and stories of struggle and achievement.  Some I have heard before but many are new.  But no matter which version, I listen.  I listen to remember.  I know the time we have together is limited and one day I will ache to hear their voices again, to see the fire in their eyes and I will want desperately to just once more, laugh together while we share a gin and tonic or just tonic for Mom.  I am blessed to have these days together.  I give thanks for the journey that brought me here to be in this place together. 

Facing Loss

Babies are born and the elderly pass on.  It is the way of the world; the cycle of life.  We learn to accept that.  We are overwhelmed with joy with new babies and paralyzed with grief when we actually have to say that final good-bye to those who pass on before us.  As we age, we come to terms with our generation moving to the front of that line.  We lose our grandparents, parents, and then we begin to lose our siblings' peers and then finally our own friends.  Saying good-bye is the natural order of things.  But how do we say good-bye to those to whom we've already said good-bye.  How do we deal with the failing and eventual loss of our ex-spouse?  Yes, this is happening.  My ex-husband is dying.  Every time I say it, I shudder just a bit.  It is foreign to me.  He was that person who knew me better than anyone else for more than 20 years.  But as the hard times became unbearable, together, we came to the realization that we could no longer stay together.  We traversed the bumpy roads and found a place where we could be coexist in the world as friends and co-parents and grandparents.  Finding that neutral ground was my good-bye.  I didn't think about the second and final good-bye that would be further down the road.  When you marry someone that is 11 years your elder, you know that chances are, he will pass on before you.  But not at 75.  Then as the ex-spouse you go deeper and you go to that ugly place.  You fall into the "what ifs."  What if I hadn't walked away from him and our relationship?  What if we had stayed together and I served as a witness to his developing weaknesses?  What if I nagged him into the doctor's office?  I don't shoulder the blame or any guilt but I do think about other endings to this story.  I think about twists and turns of my own life journey constantly and this was a big one.  Leaving my marriage was well thought out in terms of when and how.  And when I passed through that labyrinth, my sigh of relief was audible.  So these tears are tears of loss AGAIN.  I am mourning the broken promises again, the broken family again, the what could have been again.  Then as I come out of the maze once more, I mourn the loss of my friend, my peer, my children's father.  I am saying good-bye AGAIN. 

First Day of School

Here in central Florida, a new school year begins tomorrow.  I take a moment to remember my own first days as a kid, nervous of what might lie ahead.  I was never a great student so those nights before the first day were sleepless ones.  The same words were used decades later when I took charge of my own classroom, nervous of what might lie ahead.  I give thanks for my teachers, those who mentored me into my first classroom, those who I continued learning from until the day I retired.  I loved the camaraderie of teaching and learning together.  I was one of those that looked forward to professional development and thinking deeply about my craft of teaching.  I am grateful for all of those who continue to come into this beloved profession, knowing the ups and downs that come with the job.  But most of all, now, just as then, I consider the children.  I pray that they are ready and excited to learn and trust that their teachers will become their greatest cheerleaders  May they know that each is on his/her own journey and timeframe. There is no one size fits all or a day on the calendar that is preordained when s/he will learn to read, or write a 5-paragraph essay of find the value of x.  It is step-by-step, one day at a time, always moving forward.  Siempre Adelante!  So tonight, when your mom and dad are begging you to get to bed because tomorrow is a "big day," rest assured that your teacher will love you, you will have friends, and you will learn big things.  And tomorrow, as I see the buses back on the streets, there will be a smile on my face and in my heart for students, for teachers, and for administrators.  Thank you for taking on the most important job and most rewarding work there is on the planet.  May this year be your best!

First-year teacher

Welcoming my granddaughter to kindergarten