With Whom Do You Share Your Family Secrets?

 Less than two weeks ago a family secret was released into the world.  No matter how you prepare for the thought that there may be more to your family than previously thought, it still comes as a bit of a shock.  And being human, when things throw you off kilter, the first thing you want to do is tell someone.  You yearn for that shared looked of shock and surprise so you no longer feel alone in your dizzying stupor.  This is human connection at its strongest.  Listen to my story and tell me what you think.  

A few years ago I learned about the ring theory in grief work.  You, as the primary grievers: spouse, children, parents receive comfort from those just outside your circle, your close friends.  So comfort flows inward and grief flows out.  This all came into my mind this week as the secret began to find its way into a wider circle.  The question now became who do you tell once that inner circle has been informed and supported. It only takes one person who responds with anger in place of surprise to make you question who I am telling and why.   Is it gossip, am I sharing this just for the effect?  Is that who I am?  But the secret is not just a secret; it is a person, a human being that we, as kind and loving humans want to welcome into our inner circle.  We want to know this person, share our stories, have coffee or lunch together.  We want to meld this new person into our family and give witness to the new us that has been created.  In the spirit of openness, honesty, and transparency, people who know me need to know that we have grown and been changed.  I cannot become one who has to guard my topics of conversation depending on who I am with, trying to remember who knows and who doesn't.  I was never any good at lying so I'm not going to get caught in an "Oh, I forgot to tell you that we are one more now."  In the business of secrets, just as with grief, the telling moves outward and the support moves in.  I tell you my story, you look surprised, I nod and begin the arduous task of fielding the unanswerable questions of who is the other parent, how did this happen, were they in relationship, how did they stay married?  With time, the questions fade to black and the look of puzzlement has been replaced with joy.  Immediately the joy I have felt for the last two weeks in having found a new member of my family is transferred to my confidant.  The questions are no longer about the event but about the person.  What is s/he like?  Where does s/he live?  Are you going to meet him/her? And finally, we are able to move on, with you knowing that I have put my trust in you to have and hold this new information about me and about my family.  But the thing that is left in my heart after each of these encounters is gratitude; gratitude that this person is in the world and I get to share my life and world with he/r and gratitude that I have this circle of friends with whom I can share my story.