God has called me his Beloved. I am HIs and He is mine. The Exercises began exactly
where I left of in the cell of El Retiro more than five years earlier, feeling completely
enveloped in the love of God and yet fearful of meeting God's deep loving gaze.
The loving gaze of God was something to which I would slowly grow accustomed
during the Exercises and learn to welcome. In the beginning tears always accompanied
this experience. Who was I that God could love me so deeply? This was followed by
the hollowing out of my ego and sinful self to make room for the loving presence of God
that would reside in me forever. These were days of extreme discomfort and unexplainable
tears. When it had passed, my promise was to love, honor, and praise God in my words,
thoughts, and actions. I began to say Yes following the model of Mary and I never stopped.
Yes to daily prayer, yes to listening for the still, small voice of God in whatever form it took,
yes to my loved ones, yes to the call - whatever it might be.
Throughout the Exercises I "heard" God in new and astounding ways. My weekly meetings
with Kelly, my Spiritual Guide, taught me to pay attention to the little things, to words and
phrases that I repeated n my sharing from week to week or month after month. The result
was a primary teacher's Word Wall on my bathroom mirror reminding me daily of how God
was working in and through me. God spoke to me in my dreams - a totally new experience
for this deep sleeper who has always yearned to remember her dreams. God woke me with
songs in my head - some that I hadn't thought of for 30 years and some not since my
childhood. What started as a lyrical mystery to be solved soon just became a welcome
reminder that God was with me at all times and nudging me into an awareness of that
presence in new and beautiful ways. I entered the world of Christian, not specifically
Catholic, music and will never be he same. Prayer took over my life as a constant
conversation with God. Each morning I started with my email devotionals as I always
had but not until I had wished my Beloved a good morning and entered into deep gratitude
for what may lie ahead in this day. I delayed my rising just to be in the loving presence of
God. I felt his love surround me as I lay in the hollow of His cupped hands. I never found
a systematic prayer time for the Exercises but I looked forward each day to sitting in my
prayer chair and saying Hello to the God who was always waiting for my greeting. I
learned to begin with quiet music to calm my head and after a few minutes would look up
to hold God's loving gaze, the small act that would lead me into new and deeper
understandings of my faith, my love, and myself. Ignatian Contemplation did not come
easily to me but as I stuck with it (thanks once again, to encouragement from Kelly) the
world of scripture as I had known it was broken wide open. Readings I had heard in church
for decades, had read numerous reflections about , and had even taught in Religion classes
suddenly held great epiphanies of what Jesus was all about and on a personal level,
God's plan for me. As I traveled with Jesus during his ministry, God revealed to me what
my own journey had been and what He still had in store for me. God spoke to me in my
thoughts but they were easily recognizable as being of and from Him. He was now in my
head and heart and spirit. My daily walks became time to give thanks for creation; I learned
to slow down and embrace all that had been given to me; to give thanks to be in this place
in this time. My days were filled with gratitude and I was finally learning to live in the
moment and to be intentional. I could feel God's presence throughout my day and
at times it was overwhelmingly powerful. Just as I started my days with God I looked
forward to ending them there as well. In the daily Examen, God and I went through the
day together, sharing all the people and events that held grace for me and were messages
of where God was leading me. I finally understood the power of this simple prayer and
how it leads to discernment ever so gently and assuredly day by day.
The urge became stronger and stronger to return home to the loving embrace of my family
and friends, to my spiritual home of the Mission Church, to the work that had been left
unfinished at Sacred Heart Nativity School. The voices were many; Lucia, my
granddaughter whose dreams I will never again doubt, my mom who constantly
found new ways to say she didn't need me in Florida and it was OK to leave,
my friends who revealed to me that my presence would be a loving balm to their wounds;
but more than all of these was the call of Jesus to return to the Eucharist. The only thing
that all of these voices shared was their location - HOME. So the release began. I opened
my tight fisted-hold on my home, my possessions, my plan and embraced the unmarked
trail that was God's plan for me and me alone. I learned, for the first time in my life, to
put my complete trust in a presence beyond that of my head or heart. I embraced Ignatius's
prayer, the Suscipe and it became part of my daily mantra. (Take Lord, receive all my
liberty, my memory, my understanding, my entire will - all I have and possess. You have
given all to me, Now I return it. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give
me only your love and your grace, that's enough for me.) I took on the easy yoke of
Jesus and learned to love as He did, to leave my possessions behind and follow Him,
and to look at the world through his compassionate eyes.
The me that I was, has been, and continues to change. I look forward to what God has
planned for me as I listen for His voice in prayer, contemplation, music, and my dreams.
I sit back and wait patiently, knowing that all God has planned for me is goodness.
I was reminded of this at a recent homily about how God answers prayers - he
responds with yes, not yet, or I have a better idea. I am trusting completely in all
three of these answers as I discern God's plan for all the grace and blessings that
wait for me in the days and years ahead.
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