Waking Up to a New Year in Loss

 I said goodbye to my dad 10 months ago.  I knew the first days would be hard and I knew his birthday and anniversary would be another reminder of his absence.  I knew about the holidays with the empty chair but I wasn't ready for New Year's Day.  I woke up this morning and after starting my day I had the dark realization that at the ripe old age of 67 I was starting my first year without a father.  Yes, death is forever so my dad is still dead.  Our love is eternal but the body is transient.  

I miss him, I miss his daily advice - whether I took it or not.  I miss him being a part of the couple that was my mom and dad.  I miss being a daughter and being called T every time we said hello or goodbye.  I miss his voice and I miss his presence in my life.  

Once I acknowledge the loss, it turns into something else.  As the older generation slowly leave us one at a time, the next in line step into the outlines of the footprints.  On one side of my family I have my mom and one aunt left.  And on the other, an aunt and an uncle.  That means that my siblings and I are only a few short years away from being the family elders.  That is something that leaves me feeling a bit untrained for.  Where is the workshop for doling out sage wisdom, or telling the youth that they have it easy?  I will ponder this a bit but I think my model for this role will be my grandparents.  None of them ever gave advice unless it was requested.  Then it was frank and to the point.  But it always ended with and "I love you" hug and kiss on the forehead.  But the wisdom was free flowing.  So I step forward without a dad but in his place are two grandchildren for whom I have been called to lead.