Putting 2019 to Bed

2019 is done.  Just as with any other year, it was filled with highs and lows.  But this year was different.  God/fate/destiny took hold of my hand and didn't let go.  By the time June rolled around, I had left my sweet home in Vancouver where I had been surrounded with the love of a new family branch led by my sister, new friends, the beauty of Mt. St. Helens and a short flight back to my loved ones in San Jose.  It seemed perfect.  And then it wasn't.  By mid-year I was 3,000 miles away and living in central Florida and in only 2 more months my ex-husband and lifelong friend had taken ill and passed away.  It all felt like one shock after another.  They just seemed to keep coming.

The highs were high.  I am living within 90 minutes of my parents and am able to visit frequently.  This time together is precious.  My parents are able to share the stories that they want to live on when they are gone.  I am able to ask anything and I get answers that go deep.  I am living drenched in sunshine - December in the 70s is an amazing thing.  I can grow all kinds of plants and vegetables.  I watch the sun rise and set and am in awe of the simplest things that happen every day if I only take the time to notice.  I can travel the east coast and see things that were never on my list - Savannah, Charleston, day trips around my new home that leave me breathless.  I am only minutes away from clear blue spring water that bubbles up from the underground; vibrant tropical flowers are everywhere - even in my own backyard.  Some days feel like I'm in a dream.

And the lows have been low.  I am 3,000 miles/6 hour flight away from my children and grandchildren.  It breaks my heart on a daily basis.  And there's nothing that can be done to change it.  I said and continue to say good-bye to Ralph.  I am struck motionless by the times that I feel his absence in the world.  I miss him.  I miss his heart.  I miss our conversations about education, the kids, and the future.  I hold onto the notion that we lived in the moment every time we were together.  We did  not hold anything back - the love was always there and I left nothing unsaid.  I'm just sad, incredibly sad that I have the lost the man I once loved with my whole heart but more than that, respected always.

So this year has been a year of tears.  I have cried in joy and in sorrow.  I have cried witnessing my children's reconciliation.  I have cried leaving my parents on Christmas Day as they held on to my hand after I had let go.  I have cried watching my grandchildren succeed in gymnastics, swimming, and jujitsu, knowing that the moments we have together are gone in an instant. 

So I say good-bye to you, 2019.  I have learned and loved from everything you gave me.  I step forward into 2020 a stronger but sadder woman.  I am slowly learning to accept what can and cannot be changed.  As I continue forth into these golden years, loss becomes a bigger part of the picture.  I hold on tightly to the moments I have with my loved ones knowing that we all have an expiration date.  May 2020 help me continue to understand that life is short and all that matters in the end is the love that was shared. 

One Word

In the past few years I have given up on New Year's Resolutions.  I made them every year and they were meaningful.  They were never about losing weight or exercising more.  I spent time in reflection; what would I like to change, how can I be a better person/teacher/mom, etc; what are my goals and how can I meet them?  Sometimes I was successful and sometimes at the end of the year I was sadly lacking in progress on my goal.  Then a couple years ago I discovered a thing called One Word.  At its core, it is taking the idea of your resolutions and putting them into one word.  So after reflection of where I'm going and how I think that I can get there, what is the one word that describes that process?  Two years ago it was gratitude.  That was an easy one.  I could think and write about it every day, and I did.  The thing about the One Word is finding ways to keep it uppermost in your mind so that you can continue to work on it throughout the year - just like a resolution.  Last year my word was enough.  Not what you might think - not that I have enough but I AM enough.  It was the reminder that I have everything I need and that whatever I bring to the world and my relationships was enough.  It was a way for me to do away with my personal judgments.  My trick last year was to buy an Etsy bracelet with the one word etched on it.  It worked.  Every morning in the beginning and then later, when I needed the reminder, I would pop on the simple bracelet and it was like magic.  Just like that, I was enough.  So now it's time for a new word.  As I reflect on the year ahead, I know that I will be called to a new level of strength.  As I watch my dad's health sag, it is clear that I've been drawn here to be one that stands up and takes over when needed or called upon.  I also know that my spiritual life has had a bit of its own sagging going on.  I'm working on that...  My word for 2020 is steadfast.

steadfast
adjective
resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering; steadfast loyalty

synonyms:  loyal, faithful, committed, devoted, dedicated, dependable, reliable, steady, true, constant, staunch, trusty, firm, determined, resolute, stalwart, stout, relentless, implacable, singleminded, unchanging, unwavering, unhesitating, unfaltering, unswerving, unyielding, unflinching, inflexible, uncompromising

2. 
   
3. Now there are a lot of un- and in- words there which are not my favorites but the synonyms that are resinating with me are faithful, reliable, steady, and constant.  I'm searching for that in my relationships.  I want to be that stalwart presence for both my parents and my children.  I want to be the one that during the hard conversations, I can be reassuring, patient, and the shoulder to lean on.  Lately, I haven't felt very dependable in that department.  Tears are flowing way too often for me to be determined or resolute.  I cry when I leave my parents house knowing that every time I'm there could be the last.  I cry when I even think about being away from my kids and grandchildren at Christmas or birthdays or anything.  This has always been true.  Wherever I am, I think about being somewhere else.  I know that all will be well in the end.  And this is not the end.  So for now, I will work on my steadfastness.  And gratitude. And enough.  That's the other thing I like about the One Word.  It is simple enough that I can remember it over the years and I continue to work on all of them.  That was only true of my resolutions because I was making the same ones over and over again.  
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5. So 2020, I am ready to begin.  I am ready to become more steadfast in this new journey around the sun.  

Things I'm Learning About Inverness

The leaves do change color but it happens in December.  This is a good fit for me as the light reduces, at least I have something to distract me.

The town is filled with lovers holding hands.  I don't know if these elderly are newlyweds or in it for the long haul but it warms my heart.  You will also see one holding the other one up which is also endearing.  But I prefer the hand holding.

While the general population is fairly red, there is a pocket of democrats who are happy to find one another. 

Some of the crime reports still make me chuckle (the guy arrested for beating on a stop sign) but there is real crime.  It is just on a smaller scale.

There is a gentle joy in being in a place where when you are out  walking, everyone, I mean everyone waves as they drive by.  Eye contact is a thing here.  The waves make up for the rarity of sidewalks.

Parades are big.  Veteran's Day, Christmas, Boats. 

I am finding my rhythm and feeling connections to this sense of place.  I often feel this glow of happiness and realize that I am just happy to be here.  Yes, I still miss my west coast people but there is a rooting that is taking place.