Staying In

Covid-19 continues to maintain its strangle hold on American life as it was once known.  We are currently on the brink of some states beginning to move toward a re-opening.  But as for me I feel safer here at home.  I'm putting my money and my health on science and data.  I will wait for the resurgence that I know will come.  I will continue to Shelter in Place for two weeks at a time and then watch and decide.

Most of my days are good but time no longer has any meaning.  When it seems like hours must have gone by, it is only 45 minutes.  Nothing feels normal.  It is a struggle for me to read and that was once part of my daily routine.  Every morning when I arise, I see the shower that needs to be cleaned but I can't seem to sense the importance of it once I have left the bathroom.  So I will see it again tomorrow.  Perhaps there is solace in that. 

I miss so much.  I miss seeing people on my regular schedule.  I miss impulsivity.  I have the thought that I should go grab a cup of coffee and remember.  I think about going to the nursery for a plant or mulch and then remember.  I miss my old life.  I had been here long enough to put things in place and now it all feels lost and forgotten. 

But I am grateful for so much.  I am grateful for technology; for FaceTime, for Zoom that keep our love ones alive for us.  I am grateful that I finished updating my kitchen before Coronavirus.  I would not have wanted to look at that burnt orange wall every day.  I am grateful for the view out of the back of my house where I can watch the birds and squirrels and bunnies.  I am grateful for flowers that are blooming and remind me that the universe is still in order.  I am grateful for everyone that reaches out to me and says, "I was wondering how you are."  That feels like the greatest I love you there can be.  I am grateful that my friends and family are well and pray that they will stay that way.

And so we continue to stay in and wait.  We continue to remind each other to stay home and stay safe.  We wonder what this new life will be as it begins to unfurl and reveal itself while we watch from a place by the window inside. 

The Look of Love

I am currently a witness to a love that is deep and true.  It is a love that i honor and revere.  It is not mine, it is the love between my mother and father.  They have been married for 70 years and that love has always been present.  But like all things in life, it has changed through the years.  My father has always affectionately referred to Mom as “my girlfriend.”  As the youngest of their three children, it never stopped being humorous to me, but it gradually became funnier while the years passed and the hair thinned and the walking pace slowed.  Now as their life together nears its end, anyone in the room can see and feel the power of their love.  It is a look.  It must certainly be the same look that brought them together as teenagers in high school.  It is that look where two pairs of eyes lock onto each other and within seconds they are lost in one another as the rest of the world fades away.  It is the look that made that teenage girl who is my mom, swoon over her young lover.  As she looked into his eyes the love she had for him was reflected back to her and she knew that this was the one.  This was the love that would carry her through all the hard times that lay ahead.  But it would also be the love that stood happily beside her in their travels and adventures together that even they wouldn’t guess could be possible.  And it is the look that no matter how many times I witness, I find myself looking away because it can only belong to them.  It is private and intimate.  And at this age this is what intimacy looks like.  It is the shared glances, the holding of hands as the one with a walker passes the one with a cane, and it is the declarative said in unison, “Eat your supper.” Love at this age is the reminder to call the doctor, to take your pills, and to eat.  It is the negotiating of who feels up to driving and who will fetch the nightly ice cream treat.  Yes,  it has a different look to it but it is clear that this is a love that anyone would wish for and die for.  This is a love that will last into eternity.  

Much Has Been Revealed

We continue along this path of Shelter in Place, Stay at Home; depending on the state in which you live.  For the most part, it has all been bearable but there are definitely days that the feeling of wandering takes hold.  I am aimless and without purpose.  There are always things that could be done but the aimlessness takes hold and I wander.  I wander around the house, around the yard, around the neighborhood.  And my thoughts begin to wander as well.  They quickly go to those who do not have what I have.  There are those who must work, who must stay home with their children, who must take care of the sick and elderly.  This pause in our country has been a giant revelation.  It has laid bare those who work for minimal pay, those who are not given the option to stay home.  It has exposed those who have health care and those who have the financial means to take a pause.  It has revealed those who actually can do their job from home in a spare room or a closet the size of a room in another's house or apartment.  The Greek definition of apocalypse is to reveal.  There are times when this feels like an ending of life as we know it, our small apocalypse.  The differences in class and society have been stripped bare for all to behold.  Look at me who has the time to take an hour walk every morning.  And then look at the migrant workers or landscapers who don their gloves and masks and pray that this virus does not attach itself to them during their shift and that they don't take it home to their families after a long day.  Then look at our millionaire politicians who make decisions about how much money is enough money for all the millions who are living hand to mouth but now the hand has nothing to show for it.  And then look at our small business owners who are trying desperately to redefine what they do and how they do it and to just hold on until it's over.  When it is over, will this revelation have changed anything?  Or will this knowledge that we now hold about the haves and have nots once again be swept under the rug.  Our leaders tell us this is the way our country was designed, this is how it was meant to be.  But yet, this is not how it has to be.  What if?  What if all workers had health care and were paid a living wage?  What if people could choose to leave their cars in the driveway and work from home?  What if people could respect a virus and be willing to protect their fellow humans just because it is the right thing to do?  What if our health care and retail workers were respected for being on the front lines not just today, but every day?  How would the world change if science and data led the way in place of money and profit?  Yes, the wandering mind goes from what is to what could be.  May we spend some time in this revelational apocalypse and think deeply about who we are as a people and who we could be.  What if?

Still Here

I'm still here, still at home.  I go to the grocery store with gloves, wipes, and now a mask.  I go to see my parents.  And that is it.  The rest of the time, I am here at home.  My routine is still there but tends to be sliding down a bit.  My  morning coffee is now two cups of coffee.  My 8:00 walk is usually a 9:00 or 9:30 walk.  Time has little meaning any longer because there is just so much of it.  I do my outside stuff in the morning because. like it or  not, spring has sprung and in Florida, that means 80+ degree temperatures in the afternoon.  So walk and garden in the morning, read or write in the afternoons.  But then that late afternoon lag hits and what to do?  Time is for filling, filling between breakfast and lunch and lunch and dinner.  But what if I eat lunch at 11 or 11:30 instead of noon?  What if I eat dinner at 5 instead of 6?  Time is still there and waiting to be filled. 

The little things become big.  Hummingbirds, butterflies, and cardinals flitting by become an event.  The young family that lives near-by on their daily walks are something for your eyes to follow for several minutes and remember when that was you.  The search for grasshopper larvae is now in the daily schedule.  My focus is still external - the darkening of the tree leaves, the little bunny hopping around the yard,  and the buds that are blooming.  I am grateful, deeply grateful for all these things that can occupy my mind and bring me back to the gift of simplicity.  I am here in the now.  I am home.  I am safe. I am well.