This Christmas

This has been a Christmas like none other before in my life. I'm not sure I want to erase it because it did have some beautiful moments but there is certainly a piece of it we could have all done without. Plans were made for several celebrations - the family get together, Callie's Christmas, and Bill's family dinner.

Christmas Eve came with high hopes. I couldn't wait to see Callie open her presents and realize that those wrapped boxes were actually hiding books and toys and clothes for her. Every decision I made about the holiday was based on me being with her. Nothing else mattered. I was thrilled coming to Maria and Bill's house. I put the presents under the tree, went out to greet everyone and within minutes all of our worlds turned upside down. Callie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a corn chip and walked out; something we had all seen her do hundreds of times before. But this time it was followed by the attack howl of Milo, their beloved beagle. What followed next is something I will never get out of my mind. Callie screamed and screamed. As Maria ran to stop the attack her screaming overtook Callie's. The house seemed filled with unstoppable noise that brought terror coursing through my very being. Maria brought Callie into the kitchen to try to stop the bleeding but it was clear we would be heading for the emergency room. And here is the horrible part for the grandmother. I was witnessing my daughter go through what I had done a handful of times in my life - holding her baby and being completely helpless to comfort her or take away the pain. But at the same, my baby and I were in the same state. I could not ease my daughter's pain, her sadness, her fears. I wanted the world to stop turning and just give us a moment to get a handle on a situation that was careening out of control. But there was no stopping it. Emergency room, stitches, pain medication, antibacterial ointment, seeping wounds. How could this have happened to this beautiful baby girl and this incredible family? I will never understand it and have finally stopped trying. The end result is that Milo will need to leave his home of 11 years, Callie will carry the scars of her second Christmas and none of us will ever again be the same.

Christmas ended up being exactly what it needed to be for Callie - slow, mellow and at her pace with breaks for eating and napping and playing. My dream of being with her as she experienced this first Christmas of her memory has been fulfilled. It was not at all what I imagined but it is good to remember that life takes its own course. Sometimes we are just spectators to the main event and in time find our place again in its rhythm and carry on as best we can. We have all been changed by this horrible thing. We have been tested. We are all stronger for it and every one of us loves a little deeper. We hold each other tighter and longer and pray that this is the worst thing that ever happens to this precious child.

Christmas Music

I am not a musical person. I can't really sing or play a musical instrument. But for some reason at this time of year, much of my celebration of Christmas is centered on music. In church I revel in the advent songs. I listen to Christmas songs in the car as I travel from point A to point B. I take the time to play the songs that I remember as a child. Perhaps it is because my mom made it a point to sing and play those songs throughout December. Or maybe I just need something to get me through the darkness of winter. For some reason the other night I thought about an album that I listened to while I was a young mom. It is not a kid thing but it got me through a lot of winters. I downloaded it last night and I am loving who I become as I listen to it. I am that loyal Catholic, I am a loving wife and mother who knows that her children are all things wonderful, I am full of potential. That is the thing about the right song. It takes you back to who you were when that song moved your soul. For me in this moment, that song is Creator of the Stars of Night by Marty Haugen. It is a lovely trip through all those Christmases past.