What a Week

It has been quite a week. I have somehow managed to teach reading and writing amidst the administration of the STAR test and a whole bunch of other things that need to happen if I am going to have a future in child care. I filed for a fictitious business name, opened a business checking account and completed the on-line orientation for a state home child care license. The license application is in process and should be completed before I go back to work on Monday. I am living with one foot in the present and the other foot in August but my weight is definitely leaning forward. There is certainly enough to keep me focused in school with ending the year and finishing up a unit on myths, doing a final literature circle set of novels and somehow writing a research paper together. But my heart is dreaming dreams of all that is possible in the next stop on the journey. I both love and fear the unknown ahead. I worry about the money piece but know that all the rest is going to be filled with new and unforeseen ways to learn, love and grow along the journey.

What I Learned in Middle School

I have no doubt that I was called to middle school for some very specific life lessons. Three years is pretty short period of time to learn all that I have. I still vividly remember coming to this very school for a meeting in my early days in public school and being absolutely astounded at the language and behavior I witnessed. I could not imagine how anyone could work in such an enviromnet. And yet, 5 or 6 years later I found myself standing up in front of these very students attempting to hone my art of teaching.

I have learned to conquer the fear of ugly looks and cruel language. I know now that a smile can disarm almost anyone. I was clearly put here to spread happiness and to let kids know that someone else in the world cares about them as people, the people they are today and those they will become.

I have learned to simply act like I am in charge. Even though my stomach is flipping out of control, my face and voice can command beligerency into comformity.

I have learned how to teach, really teach. First grade is like being on vacation compared to the work that goes on in the secondary level. There is the incredible challenge of motivation, in addition to senseless harrassment, content standards, grading 70 essays over weekends and meetings, oh the meetings.

I have learned to be a little fish in a big pond. At times I have felt completely invisible. Being on a staff of 70, that is not hard to imagine. Compare that with my first year of teaching when I was one of 11. I learned quickly to be quiet and find my group.

I have learned that cake can win the hearts of any staff member. It melts the well-know sarcasm of a middle school teacher like butter on a hot knife. Yes, I have become known more for my cakes around here than my teaching ability.

I have learned that respect comes from doing. People are watching and noticing who you are in your words and actions all the time. I have been pleasantly surprised by comments that people have made about me and my dedication to teaching. And I thought no one had noticed.

I have learned that a good teaching partner can make all the difference in the world. And mine was the best! She made me a better teacher, mother, grandmother and human being. If anything would have kept me in education it would have been the opportunity to continue to grow professionaly and personally with her at my side.

I have learned that middle school kids are above all else just kids. I have learned to laugh with them, cry with them and have enjoyed every single day that they were lovingly entrusted to my care.

I am now just a bit wiser, and definitely more patient and loving than I was when I walked through the door of B-15 three years ago. It has been a fruitful stop along the way. I am grateful for all that I'm taking with me - the power of listening that leads to true understanding, the art of self-reflection, and the knowledge that the "kid" in each of us is always there. Sometimes it gets hidden by pain and fear but a smile can almost always bring it out again to laugh and play another day.

The Beginning of the End

I am extremely aware of the limited time that is left in my career as a public school teacher. Much of that is positive. I enjoy knowing that everything that I do is the "last" whatever - the last open house, the last progress report, the last STAR testing. Today I received an e-mail from a parent that warmed my heart. He was concerned about his child's failure to live out his full potential in the classroom. He included a series of questions that really made me think about his child and I thoroughly enjoyed responding to his queries. If I were staying in the profession, I might find a way to include them in our back to school packet because this is what it is all about.

What are my child's weaknesses? What are some examples of each weakness?

Does my child speak or ask questions during the class and in any of the classroom activities?

Are there any classroom relationships or situations which I need to be made aware of?

Have you noticed any changes in behavior that I should be concerned with? Is my child complaining of having trouble seeing the board or does my child seem sleepy?

Does my child work up to his/her potential?

How does my child approach test taking?

What are some of the upcoming subjects the students will be studying, and how might we support these units from home?

Is my child turning homework in on time?

Is there an action plan we can develop to keep improving my child's progression?

Now to add to this joy was the parent's response to my reflections. He commiserated with us about the lack of support we receive from most parents and then intimated that our personal knowledge of his son demonstrated that we truly were amazing. It was a wonderful compliment and so nice to know that there are people out there who have an inkling of how difficult this job really is.

The birth of a work in process

Here is the beginning of what shall be.

Titles and Credentials

We are known by many titles and our life is chronicled by the documents we collect. This week I have had the need to locate several of them. This is the me I have been, am, and shall be.

Daughter
Granddaughter
Great Granddaughter
Niece
Cousin
Sister-in-law
High school diploma
Aunt
Bachelor of Arts
Wife
Daughter-in-law
Clerk
Mom
Teacher's Aide
Day Care Worker
Administrative Assistant's Assistant
Multiple Subject Credential
Teacher
Special Education Credential
Master of Arts
CLAD certificate
Grandma
Licensed Child Care Provider

I take pride in each and every one of them, knowing that they are what brought me to the joy I feel in this moment.

A Redefinition

This spring break has been brought to you by a lot of thinking, reflecting and one big aha! I made the decision several weeks ago to resign my position as a public school classroom teacher. I endured the shock and wide variety of responses from my peers that came as a result of that announcement. I have listened and taken in for my own evaluation their responses about that decision and their advice for my future. There comes a time when all the input must stop and something must happen in order to put that first foot out in front of the other. The process of getting to that point has been much more difficult and time consuming than I ever imagined. But I suppose that is what happens when you put the universe in charge and you simply allow life to take its own course. For several weeks now I have played out scenarios in my mind. Every day I would wake up to a new one and I would sit with it for a day or so. There was no controlling the thought process; it seemed to have a life of its own. I knew I had let go of it all when I "decided" I would just go back to parochial school. Now this was not just a passing thought. I actually went to the office, picked up an application, filled it out AND wrote the essay. Why? Because the question that kept recurring over and over again is who am I if I am not a teacher? This is what I have done for 21 years and what I had always dreamed of doing long before I did it. I am that person whose what is directly connected with her who. I have reinvented myself several times in that span but never have I gone about redefining that me. So my big AHA finally occurred while hanging out with my 11 month old granddaughter. And a child will lead them... The voice in the back of my head said, you ARE a teacher and you are doing it at this very moment with the most important human being in your life. I am teaching this baby girl what love is, I am teaching her how to define herself in the context of the world, I am teaching her how to manipulate her environment and to love herself. What could be more important that? So I finally got it. I am a teacher and will forever be one. I simply will choose to do it on my terms. And my right foot slowly slid in front of the left. The brain stopped thinking and began planning.

Student Success Story

At our English Department meeting today we ended with everyone sharing a student success story. This is not a bad thing to do at this point in the year when we all feel so defeated and drained of any cognitive thought.

A "student unnamed" is my shining light this year. He is thrilled to be learning and growing. It shows through in his eyes and the energy he brings to the classroom each and every day. He brings happiness through the door. I discovered a few months ago that he responds directly and completely to student models. If he sits with players, he's a player. When he sits with workers, he's a worker. He now has gone begone mimicking behavior of his neighbors and is picking their brains. He asks questions of his table partners and really wants to know how to get that A. He is a risk taker and is not afraid to ask the "I don't understand" questions with 32 sets of eyes on him. His growth this year has brought me incredible joy and a deeper understanding of how to use the evil of pre-adolescent peer pressure for good.