Family

A week ago I was hanging out with my sister. For most people that sentence wouldn't have any merit one way or the other. Most people have their family close to them and can hang out with them whenever they want. It is not so with my family. Somehow we have all ended up scattered to the wind. I live my life and try hard to ignore the fact that my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and any other extended relatives that exist can only be accessed by phone or e-mail. As I get older, I miss them more and more. I know that all of our days are numbered and I try to cherish the moments that we can spend together. I can get my act together and show up for a 60th birthday party that is planned months in advance. But what I miss most are the everyday moments. The "why don't you meet me for coffee/lunch/dinner" moments that happen in the everyday life. Or the "let's go for a walk" moments that I live out every week with my friends. It is just the way it is but I hate to accept things because that's the way it is. I love being close to my kids and now my granddaughter but I miss the other part of my existence. It's like I have the present and future but the past is simply a vacuum. I go to visit it but it is not a part of the me I am or will become. Nothing will be done about it beyond the acknowledgement of this emptiness that I feel.

The Thing About Primary

Primary kids - I just keep coming back to them. They are where my career began and I can't seem to get them out of my system. Opening the door to early reading is at the core of my heart of hearts. There is just nothing like it. I love the openness of primary kids. They tell you everything. They are proud, so very proud of everything they do. Describing their strategies is just part of the ongoing conversation. They are so happy being who they are and that smile that follows the decoding of a tricky word is golden. You can take it to the bank and rest assured that they will too. Every success moves to the asset side and the debits are simply ignored. I met with my first tutoring student tonight and it all came flooding back. I love primary reading and writing. I left elementary because I became bored with the content. But, in all humbleness, I would make an amazing primary departmentalized reading and writing teacher . I am a natural. I know exactly where to go next with beginning readers. I don't think that I can say that for my middle school readers and writers. The holes are little pin pricks that I am constantly trying to plug before the dike collapses. They work incredibly hard to cover up the blemishes so that no one can see that there is a problem let alone shed any light on what it might be. So for now, I will continue on with the challenges that broaden my horizons in middle school and add on the little ones that renew my love of teaching. It's a bit like an amazing main dish for dinner that is followed up with a melt in your mouth dessert. It's the combination that satisfies you and keeps you coming back for more.

Getting Outside of Myself

One of the things that I know that I need to do to feel better about life is to get a bigger picture. I have lived a pretty darn sweet life. I have always had what I needed and more. I make enough money to live in just the house I always dreamed of. I have children that love me and still have 2 generations beyond my own to continue modeling the wisdom of the universe. My life is sweet. At different times, I have tried volunteering because I have known that I needed to get a bit out of my comfort zone to appreciate all that I have been given. The efforts have been short term and I eventually leave them along the roadside. This weekend I was reminded of that need. I had dinner with Grandpa Bunt and loved every second of being by his side. He is such a wonderful man and I know that he is lonely living on his own for the first time in his 78 years. We enjoyed dinner together, lots of laughs and good conversation. We both left better than we came. Today I went to visit a friend in the hospital who is dealing with all sorts of complications from some crazy rare strand of cancer. She has had a colostomy and lots of lung issues. It reminded me of course of how precious life is but also of how the presence of another being can bring such joy. I was so happy to have had the time this weekend to share with these two fabulous human beings and know that my gift of time is more than I could ever put into words in a greeting card or wrap up in a box. This is a tiny hole in my life, ways to give back in some small way all that I have been given. I will ponder this for a bit. I know that everything I experience is meant as a life lesson and Ray and Carol were placed in the center of my road this weekend for the most important of reasons - to remind me that there is more than work and home and family and pets. There are people out there who need something as simple as just to see me show up.

Laughter Makes All the Difference

One of the brightest stars in my sky is my granddaughter. Sometimes when I look at her I have the thought that everything in my world has changed. She brings me a joy that I don't think that I have ever felt before. It is a whole new world and the sun that rules it is laughter. The simplest things make me laugh. I watch every new thing that she can do and say and am filled with pride and happiness. This past week, watching her frolicking in the bath tub, I was laughing out loud with a sound that came from deep down inside and I felt as young as I had ever been. It is such a gift for me to just be in this place at this time and none of it is lost on me. I am never too busy or stressed to hang out with Callie. It is always time well spent and I am always better and wiser and happier after being with her. Lucky me!