The Cycle of Life

You can safely say that I have a very warped view of life and death. On one hand I gave birth to 2 children albeit in a very unusual fashion. Not only were both deliveries natural and drug free but they were on the extreme end of the labor spectrum - 2.5 and 1.5 hours from start to finish. So I can't really talk to anyone about labor or delivery or any of that. And on the other hand, my first experience with death was that of my 9 year old brother. That's not normal either. However, since that time I have experienced all sorts of deaths of relatives, neighbors and friends. With this said, I am also blessed to still be in the presence of my 102 year old grandfather. So the cycle of life is a little convoluted for me.

I recognize the miracle of birth and revel in it especially with my newly achieved grandmother status. Being a generation removed gives you the perspective of utter and complete awe. But the death end is still baffling to me.

About the time that my daughter was preparing for the birth of her baby, we got word of a cancer diagnosis in the Sutter community. I have known a lot of people with cancer and have witnessed them fight the fight of their life. Some of them fought for years and years and others were only months. So I don't have that dreaded C response to cancer. And I truly believe that there are people in the world who can fend it off with prayer and support and the utter will to live. Carol is one of those people. The diagnosis was just words to me. I knew if anybody in the world could beat this, it would be her. I never doubted for a second that she would be here next year and the year after that and the year after that.

She worked her last day of the year a week ago to begin her therapy. Still I didn't worry. I knew she would be back next year to fulfill her plan of retiring in 2011 and go out the way she wanted.

Her chemo started last Thursday and the news came on Tuesday that the prognosis had deteriorated and that her time was short. There was no option but to retire this year. So today I attended the district Recognition Tea and watched the entire district applaud her and stand in solidarity with her family to show our appreciation for the thousands of families of which she has become a part. Carol is that teacher you want to become. She is the teacher that never tires of tweaking her lessons and units to be even better than they were before. She loves everything about teaching, the kids, the parents, the administrators, everything. As she exits Sutter, my heart is heavy. I'm not ready for the good-bye stage. I know that I don't get to choose and that death doesn't wait for the living to prepare. So today, I am just sad, so terribly sad for the loss to our students, our community and our circle of friends. A baby to hold right now would sure make me feel a whole lot better. The reminder of the circle of life.

That Says It All

I received a little Grandma gift in the mail today. It says, "Grandchildren fill a space in your heart you never knew was empty. I read it and shouted, "That's it!" That is exactly what I've been trying to figure out in this journey into grandparenthood. It is like being all filled up on an amazing meal or feast. And then when you think back you didn't notice you were hungry. All you feel is contentment, satisfaction and love, lots and lots of love.

Grandma Alone Time

This term has morphed from babysitting to Baby Loving to Grandma Alone Time. Last night was the beginning of something wonderful, creating that one of a kind relationship with Callie Girl. I love seeing this child, no matter who is around but being alone with her just takes it to the next level. We walked and talked and sang and played and I loved every second of it. She is constantly changing with new faces and sounds and movements. It is just fun hanging out with this beautiful girl. But to be alone with her was the best. It is the start of all the visions I have of what our together time will be - baking (eating), gardening (playing in the dirt), going for walks, sharing our stories and laughing together. To see her looking up at me and knowing that the love in those big beautiful eyes was meant for no one else but me melted my heart.

I constantly have the feeling of how blessed I am to be in this place and time. I love this Grandma stuff. Everything else just falls away and the only thing that matters is this beautiful child and all that awaits each of us on this journey that we call Callie.

Loving Spring at School

I know that some teachers dread this time of year because their students suddenly begin to appear much more like next year's students but I love it. Today I reveled in watching some of my more challenging kids skipping about the quad. And all I could think was how independent and self assured they appeared to be. This is what we work for all year in 6th grade. We take these budding pre-teens who have no idea about where they are or where they are going next and work to build their responsibility and independence so they can move forward into 7th grade. Teaching is so close to parenting you can almost reach out and touch it. We love and nurture and discipline our babies and then suddenly our time is over and we must release them knowing that we have given them our very best. Yes, we worry that they will stumble along the way but we also know that they must do the rest of the journey on their own. So in the next few weeks, I will prepare to send another group of kids off into their unknown futures while I step back and watch them take those first few steps away from me.

Mother's Day Once Removed

My greatest thrill of Mother's Day ever has been watching my own baby as mother to her baby. I swear I will never tire of seeing the two of them together. Mother's Day has had its ups and downs in my life. And now it feels like I can release my role in it completely. I love that my grown kids want and need to say thank you for all that I given to them. And I love being able to do the same for my own mom. But nothing can compare to a take out breakfast at Maria and Bill's, hanging out, passing Callie around from mom to dad to grandmas and grandpas to uncle and seeing that same look of love in everyone's eyes. I love this time of life. It just can't get any better than these simple pleasures.

Happiness Through Others

I live a very contented life. I suppose it is mostly because I don't do anything that doesn't make me happy. But lately I have discovered that I can feel the deepest happiness when people I care about are happy. This is new. I have always had the ability to be happy FOR others but never have I felt deep personal happiness when others are happy. This picture is the epitome of a mother's love for me. It still makes me cry when I look at it. I can feel what Maria feels. I've been there and I know that love. But last night it happened again. Ralph is finally going to Italy. I have been wishing for this since I was there 4 years ago. And he is finally doing it. This is an amazing event for so many reasons. But as we talked about it, I had that same feeling. I was just so happy that he was going to have this amazing journey to the homeland of his ancestors. It's not that he will feel what I did when I was there but that he will know what it is to be home and connected and at one with his history in space and time. As I thought about it, I was actually happier that he was going than I would have been if I were going there myself.

This feeling of happiness through others must be another one of those things that begins to take hold as you age. You somehow gain the ability to actually feel the feelings of those you care about. Their feelings become yours. It is a wonderful thing to finally be outside of yourself and experience this depth of love for others. I really do like the aging process and being on the backside of the circle of life. I love the perspective of having done all that I wanted and now being the source of support for others that follow me.

I Get the Grandma Thing

A week ago my world was rocked to its very core and I will never again be the same. I took the title Grandma Tere and held Callie Helena in my arms for the very first time. It is the most incredible experience I have had since my own children were born. But this is just raw emotion, pure unadulterated love. I finally understand what all the buzz is about.

For several years, friends and siblings have been telling me how great it is to be a grandparent. I would just smile and nod. I was that mom who accepted her children for who they were. If my kids didn't want to be parents, I was totally fine with that. One thing I did not want to be a part of was bringing children into the world when the parents weren't ready for the responsibility of a long term commitment. The minute, I saw Callie, that all flew out the window. Being a grandparent is absolutely wonderful. It is all of the love you felt as a parent but none of the worry. It is the joy of seeing the growth of your family, the final culmination of what your own parenting has wrought. I am so thankful that I didn't know any of this years ago or I would have been that nagging mother, asking when, when are you going to have a baby?

I am not the type of person who is very content just sitting. But I could sit and watch Callie all day. I marvel at her daily changes, the little faces she makes, how she flails her arms and legs and how she snuggles into your shoulder and takes any worries you had and melts them away. There is nothing like it. She is beautiful and perfect and my new great love.

The piece I am still puzzling over is that when I think about her or my daughter and son-in-law with her I still cry. But when I'm there it just all seems so right. It is all the way it is supposed to be. I will never ever tire of seeing the three of them together. It is the reminder that there is this deep abiding love in the world and that when two people really love each other they can accomplish anything.

It is the funniest thing that you can love something so tiny so deeply. I just met her a week ago but I know that if there was anything she wanted I would find a way to get it for her. I love seeing her personality come out in her movements and cannot wait until there is language to go with it. I am busy dreaming of all the things we will do together, the sound of her laughter and of all the ways I will define "Grandma" so that she will know the joy that she has brought to my world.