Christmas Joy

Joy is the only word I can use to describe our family Christmas this year Yes, it had its ups and downs like all holidays do but when I look back, that is the word that comes to mind. The image that comes to mind is M. In my weird little head, she saved Christmas for me this year. I know I would have eventually gotten my act together and come up with a plan but it felt so good to let her take over. It allowed me to be the mother I have always wanted; the one that passes on the tradition to the next generation. On one hand I know that I am way too young to be passing things on but it was such a pleasure to be the guest/observer and admire the literal fruits of my labor.

I worked hard this year to be more authentic in my gift giving and I ended up feeling pretty good about it all. I was able to stop competing with my ex-husband in that department as I know that I can never give in the amount that he can. I have other gifts to give besides the ability to save money and pass it along. So the reduction in the amount given somehow made me feel better about things. Sometimes less really is more.

My favorite gift this year ended up being from my sister. They are just a pair of earrings but lately I have been looking for a pair of dangly earrings. Everything i had found had just looked too heavy. These are not only just the right length and weight but they also have just a touch of purple to them. How great is that? I think that means that she has been paying attention to the me that I am, not the one that she remembers.

Seeing "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve was once again a fabulous experience. Last year I had somehow missed it on its various TV airings so it was my annual rite embellished. But this year I had watched it one Saturday night before Christmas so I wasn't sure how I would feel about another viewing. But there is just something about that movie. I wonder how many times I have actually seen it in my life. I continue to get something new out of it almost every time I see it. Part of my pleasure in seeing it with M is that R and the kids would kind of tease me about it years ago. "There's Mom watching "It's a Wonderful Life" again. So it is nice to see that another generation can find such meaning in something that I love.

The final piece to Christmas is always the B family celebration. I'm not sure how many years I have been going to their Christmas dinner but it has definitely become a part of my annual tradition. This year it felt easy. I guess people are finally remembering who I am and that I will be there with B and M. I like the bigness of it in contrast to our little family of 6. It is just so wild and raucous with so many different personalities in the mix. The multi generations help remind us all of where we are in time. People have gone on, some are close to leaving us, and the young ones are the reminder that we live on whether we are physically present or not.

So, the word for this Christmas is joy. I am thankful to my friends and family for leading me to the point where I could truly appreciate the season. I am especially indebted to M. Merry Christmas.

Vacation

The first day of a break from school never fails to surprise me. I wake up and immediately think of getting to work. I tell myself there is no school today but at various times during the day I feel like I am skipping school. It takes my brain so long to let go of the regular routine. And then it is like my spirit breathes a huge sigh of relief and I can finally change gears. The days that follow are the reason I believe that I can someday retire and not wonder what to do with myself. I continue to wake up at 6 but force myself to lie in bed until 7. During that time I ponder all the mysteries that surround my life. As 7:00 nears, I begin to create a tentative agenda for my day - what I will eat, what I will do or not do that day. It is one of the most empowering things a person can do. Many of those things may or may not happen but it feels good to be the one making decisions in a bell-less existence. It is at this point when I am able to put my school life in perspective. I am able to step back and look from the outside to really see what is important and what isn't. It gives me the opportunity to pat myself on the back instead of pushing myself from behind. It's OK if an A student is asking for extra credit because he has a B. I can just say no and let it be. I can admire the work I have done thus far in the year. I can reset goals with the gift of hindsight. My first, and possibly only year of teaching social studies doesn't have meet the teacher of the year model. Just let it be what it is - my first year of teaching social studies.

Asking for Help

A new page to my story was written last night. This is the page that begins a lesson on helplessness vs asking for help. This has been a challenge for me my entire life. It all started in a white anglo saxon community that lives out the theory of self made men who pull themselves up by their boot straps (which are something I still have yet to see). I grew up in a household where everyone pulled their own weight. There was no whining or crying. You just did it. Then I married a man who defined himself by what he could do to take care of other people. Not a good match I guess. During the bad years I would constantly balance my decision to stay or go based on whether I was willing to do whatever it was on my own. Was I willing to spend Saturday nights alone? Was I willing to travel alone? Could I make it financially alone? I never thought about who I might ask for help. I was either going to be married or alone. Asking for help was in my mind a sign that I wasn't able to do it on my own. Enter D and P into my life. There has never been a better couple to teach me the lessons of life. They continually show me how to negotiate a partnership where both parties win. They have taught me the importance of opening up my life and letting someone else in, really in. So at the end of a very long day I found myself a few miles away from my car. I could easily have walked the distance and would have if I had been alone and it hadn't been dark. But I gave them a call and boldly asked for help. This I did despite the fact that they were in the middle of a family Christmas celebration. The lesson went from just having the ability to ask for help to realizing what wonderful things can happen when you do. Not only did they take me to my car but they invited us to come have dinner and join in the family celebration. And once again, for some reason I was able to say yes. These are the moments when I know the universe is in charge because the me that I am would never accept that invitation. That would be an imposition, an interference. It ended up being a wonderful end to my day and such a blessing to witness family love at its finest. The lesson learned is not just about the importance of asking for help and that people really do want to be a part of my life. It is also that invitations are just that. It is not for me to judge or evaluate them. I am being invited to join with other people; to be in relationship with others. I become better, fuller, more complete by sharing my life with others.

Why the courts like teachers on juries

The question has finally been answered. For decades I have been baffled by the number of teachers that are put on juries. There have been times where it seemed like the judicial system was going through teaching staffs school by school. I've always thought that it was because society sees us as being objective or perhaps we are nurturers and will always see the good in people. I talked to a teacher who was put on a jury of a child abuse case. This seemed very strange to me. We are obligated reporters to Child Protective Services so one would think that we would tend to favor the child in such cases. But evidently, the determining question for this particular jury was, "Do you think a child can lie?" This is somewhat humorous to teachers because we all know that kids can lie and what they look like when they do. But in the context of a step father sexually abusing 2 daughters over a span of 11 year. No. There is nothing funny there. So the reasons the courts love teachers on juries is that they know people lie. Interesting!

This says it all

Cute!

Here is my laugh of the day. I introduced the writing genre of editorials today. The first one was about the importance of the need for Obama to quit smoking, followed by a piece on East Side Union High School District's potential elimination of athletics. I definitely had their attention. Now they were ready for what real people have to say. I started off with the letter I wrote to the governor regarding proposition 98, then M's letter on vegetarianism, and ended with the letter I wrote to the superintendent last year. I absolutely couldn't look at them while I was reading these letters because I could hear their response in their breathing. They were very complimentary of my writing and I was eventually able to direct their thinking to "what the writer did." But the funniest thing was when a couple boys looked at each other and said simultaneously. Man! Don't make Ms. Allen mad, she'll write a letter. Ah yes. The power of the spoken word.

Christmas Songs/Movies

During P and J’s Thanksgiving visit we got into a little discussion about favorite Christmas songs. It was beyond me to name a song that was truly my favorite. This question has haunted me the past couple weeks. Now that I am hearing Christmas songs anywhere and everywhere, it has occurred to me how my “favorite” has changed throughout my life. Each one seems to symbolize who I was at the time – child, daughter, sister, student, mother. These are my recollections.

Up on the Housetop – definitely my first favorite. I loved that song, knew all the motions and could recite every verse.

Rudolf – this must be Kindergarten/1st grade era. I just loved the idea of this poor little animal proving to all the others that it is OK to be different

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas – just a fun one for a kid to sing

Silver Bells - I have a distinct memory of helping my mom preparing Christmas cards and this song echoing in my ears and heart. I was probably around 10 years old.

White Christmas – My classic movie stage in my adolescence. That was still when I thought snow was beautiful and that Christmas Eve was not complete without the beauty of silently falling snowflakes blanketing the earth.

Some Children See Him – I can’t quite decide if this was one of my favorites or if we just heard it so much because it was P's favorite and M would play it on the piano during the Christmas Eve sing-along. But it makes the list because it was the only memory I have that symbolizes any sort of global view of my Iowa upbringing.

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree – this is the high school era song – such a nice match to the Beatles and Elvis that we listened to when we were could

Jingle Bell Rock – My college days- this is a D memory. To this day it is still his favorite Christmas song. Its one of those we could shout together to irritate mom just as well as sing together for our own enjoyment.

Handel’s Messiah – this one kept me connected to family memories when I had married and was 3,000 miles away. It was always the first one I played the day after Thanksgiving and had to be played back in the day when I baked Christmas cookies

Oh Holy Night – this one is connected to Maria’s birth. She was born early on a Monday morning in the first week of advent. From that night I understood the true meaning of a holy night. She was it!

Chipmunks –Actually I detested this song but I couldn’t help but laugh when it was played because Dave loved it and had the innate ability to sing like a squeaky chipmunk.

Do They Know It’s Christmas – This one was a favorite for years and years. It symbolized everything I believed about the world

A Very Special Christmas series. – I just loved the old classics with a new twist.

And that brings us up to today. I am still at a loss to name that one song that can symbolize where I am in my life. I will keep listening and thinking.


The topic of music lead quickly into Christmas Movies.

Babes in Toyland was hands down my childhood followed although those trees gave me horrible nightmares.

This was followed by Miracle on 34th Street..

Then I hit my movie classis era of White Christmas, Holiday Inn, and The Bishop’s Wife.

During my high school and college years it was A Christmas Carol – the darker the version the better

Of course the animated ones have to be on my list. I have great memories of watching them with the kids back in the day when they were only televised once a year – Charlie Brown, Rudolf, Frosty the Snowman and The Grinch

It’s a Wonderful Life – I didn’t really discover this movie until I had kids and then insisted that we watch it every year. They both teased me about it mercilessly until one day in their late teens they came to appreciate the message. One of my greatest memories will always be from last Christmas Eve watching it in the big theater in downtown San Jose.

Then my sister-in-law introduced me to A Christmas Movie. I think you have to have been raised in a certain era in a specific part of the country to appreciate the humor in this one but the tongue on the frozen pole still makes me want to cry out in pain.

After that it was the making of Polar Express. Although I usually hate kids’ book made into movies, I thought it was well done.

This was followed by The Grinch movie, which I thought was also well done.

So I guess if I were to choose one it would still be It’s a Wonderful Life. I just love that whole idea of imagining how the world would be different without out an individual person in it. We all are important and have an impact on everyone and everything.

The Lights of Christmas

I have finally found my Christmas spirit. I am happy with the gifts I have purchased and how they have gotten to their recipients without the exhausting work of wrapping and shipping. Last night as I was driving to P's I became extremely aware of the outdoor Christmas lights and the impact they had on my spirit. It was visual but felt like a shot of heat that was warming my heart. It became abundantly clear that I NEED Christmas lights in my life. There is just nothing like coming home in the dark of winter and flipping the switch that lights up my heart. I promised myself that I would remedy the situation and vowed to buy and decorate a tree the next day. The tree is up, lit and decorated. What a difference!

The Language of Silence

Oddly enough, communication sometimes seems to include long periods of silence. It often speaks volumes. The unsaid is something I grew up with in my family. As a result, it is hard for me to initiate difficult conversations. The most recent event has been with D about Christmas dinner. I walk around with my own view of our family traditions that I assume everyone else holds but then learn that is not true. So when asked about scheduling Christmas dinner, it automatically becomes an emotional charged conversation. Suggestions are made and they are followed by days of silence. The silence is deafening. During that time my imagination runs away with itself. I convince myself that I have alienated him and that he has walked out of my life. I become obsessed with what he is thinking, doing or feeling every spare minute of my day. I am certain that he hates me. The silence eats away at me day after day until I can eventually find a way to let it go. So I put pen to paper and try to say everything in my heart. And then, out of the blue, a message comes from him saying that it's no big deal, he'll find a way to be there. I am left exhausted by everything that wasn't said. I am certain that the silence and my overactive imagination is so much worse than anything he could possibly be thinking or feeling but I have no idea of how to stop it. I am hopeful that because I have shared my feelings, he will begin to understand who we can be as a family. And more than that, he will begin to know who I am both as a person and his mother.

Middle School Eye Contact

I am deeply amused by the way middle schoolers function in the world. They have a highly developed peripheral vision. I know this because they have the ability to walk and even run from place to place without ever looking at who or what might be coming at them or crossing their path. It is an amazing thing to witness. It occurred to me today how funny it would be to be the nurse responsible for vision screening in middle school. How in the world could you figure out what they can see when their eyes rarely go above your shoulders. What I really love are the kids who somehow know it's you coming toward them, they'll make some comment indicating that recognition yet continue to walk right past you. Amazing!

A Day In The Life

6:00 Up and at 'em
7:30 Correcting papers and posting grades that didn't get done over the weekend
9:15 - 11:30 Taught Social Studies
11:30-12:00 Worked through lunch to finish posting grades
12:00 - 2:00 Taught Writing
2:00 - 2:50 Taught PE
3:00 -3:15 Yard duty on Jackson Street
3:15 - 4:00 Finished lesson plans for a substitute tomorrow so I can go to Support Provider Training
4:00 - 5:30 Assisted with BTSA mid year evaluation
5:30 Home for dinner
6:30 A quick trip to Lakeshore to pick up more sticks for PE and some jewels for mummy making on Wednesday
7:00 Safeway to by salt, flour, baking soda and apples for mummy activities
8:00 Back home to correct today's commercials
10:00 Goodnight

Christmas is coming

Whether I want to admit it or not, Christmas is coming. I am really struggling with the whole notion of Christmas this year. D's little e-mail about Christmas dinner had a much bigger impact on me than I expected it to. I am constantly questioning myself about the meaning of family holiday dinners. Why does it matter so much to me? Why do i keep holding on to this last remnant of what used to be a family? It's not like it's the first time we've been down this road with him. I guess I just keep expecting things to change. I would like so desperately to be a part of the change. But I guess that is just not to be. So it's time to move on and figure out this whole Christmas thing. I am deeply grateful to M for taking on Christmas Eve dinner and stepping up to keep our little tradition alive no matter who happens to be sitting at the table. I see and hear Christmas all around me but I feel like an outside observer. I have no desire to put out the decorations. The thought of buying and dragging a tree into the house is totally beyond me. Why? I just feel tired. Maybe it's my job. Maybe it's my age Maybe it's being single and not caring to celebrate by myself anymore. All I know is that I better get my act together. J is coming on the 21st which means everything, whatever that ends up being, will need to be done by the time she walks in the door. I made myself shop today and I should feel good about that. But all I can think about is what a tiny little miniscule thing that is and how much more is to do be done. OK. I am going to turn on the Christmas music and fix myself a cup of hot chocolate. Then I will head down to the cellar to get the decorations and I will splash some red and green around and make this house a home again.

Addendum
Several hours have passed. The hot chocolate and Christmas music were just what I needed to get in the mood. I scattered a few decorations around the living room and did some shopping on line. I was extremely productive and have only one gift left to buy and that is D and C's . Not an easy thing to do because that little voice in the back of my head is always popping off about this and that. Ah well. I'm in much better spirits and am now ready to welcome the season sans the tree.

A Family of Four

Once upon a time there was a man who met a woman and they got married. A year later a beautiful baby girl was born and they became a family. They loved and supported each other and then a little more than a year later a baby boy was born. This family of four did all the things that families did. The dad worked hard and saved lots of money so the kids could go to college. The mom loved her children and did everything she could to bring them the beauty of the world and lay it at their feet. Years went by and silence built a wedge between the man and woman. The children grew up and went to college fulfilling the family's dream but the man's happily ever after was destroyed. The woman couldn't live in the world of silence and she broke the family apart. She spent the next 10 years trying her hardest to put it back together. Every holiday she tried to pretend that they could just for a meal be a family of four once again. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes the fleeting moments of happiness were hard to justify. Sandwiched in the 10 years was, a Thanksgiving on the floor of a duplex after the woman returned from Texas. a few holidays where they all attempted to be part of the boy's in-laws and a few meals where they all pretended to be happy in each other's company. The years have passed and the mother continues her quest to keep the family of four together.

Families

Families are so tricky. I know that my last e-mail included a comment about how excited I was to finally get some sleep but that was not to be. Thanksgiving was barely over before I received an e-mail about Christmas. I just assumed that our family dinner would be Christmas Eve like it has always been but that might not be happening this year. I didn't know that it was bothering me but I was wide awake at 3 this morning surrounded in a blanket of sadness.

The Weekend

The weekend is over and I am totally exhausted. It is extremely sad to be a California orphan. I happen to think that California is paradise on Earth but have never been able to convince anyone from my birth family of that fact. So when any of them are in town it is like California in turbo drive. This visit was my sister with her friend J who has now been technically adopted as a younger sister by this solitary California Allen. Thursday was all about the food. The whole day was dedicated to eating. I was disappointed in the turkey which was too dry for my taste and the gravy which I single handedly destroyed. But everything else was just fine. Friday we walked the neighborhood - we hit Santa Clara University, my work place and Safeway to pick up some microbiotics for P and then back home again. Then we were off to downtown Palo Alto and Los Altos and then home to make some turkey pot pie. Saturday we journeyed to Half Moon Bay to walk another downtown and have a late lunch at Moss Beach Distillery. We had dinner with D and P and shared some great memories of Italy. It was the first time that I thought about the reality of going back to that fabulous country. Sunday was the final day and it was a full one. We started off with coffee at Barefoot with M and B and then to Campbell to their farmer's market. Then I was in for one of the most humorous experiences of my life. J had never been wine tasting before and so we were off. We did Los Gatos, Saratoga, and a couple in the Santa Cruz mountains. It was such an interesting thing for a teacher of language to be a witness to the attempt to describe something as complex as wine. What an afternoon we had! It was after 5 before we were done so there wasn't much time for the Santa Cruz experience. We had dinner on the wharf and then headed for our final stop of the weekend - to show M and B's house to J. I didn't sleep well last night and woke up totally wasted. Too many late nights. Too much food. Life is such a series of highs and lows. I spend days in what seems like total isolation and then a weekend like this comes out of nowhere. It was quite an event in my simple life. My favorite moment of the weekend was at Moss Beach Distillery in the middle of a "family" discussion with my sister. J stopped it completely with a comment about her confusion with the difference between what she has always heard from P about my personality and what she had up to this point witnessed for herself. That's why I love this woman. She says what is on her mind. She asked P to stop talking so I could explain my view. I don't think anyone has ever done that before or maybe that's just the perspective of the baby of the family. The result was that my sister listened to my side of the story. So as I reflect, I have to say that it was a good weekend. I can't wait for my head to hit my pillow tonight and for that awareness just before I drift off, that I am sleeping.