Hanging with Callie Girl

I was granted another gift, free of charge, this weekend; the chance to spend the night with my favorite little girl. Yep. Callie was back for another overnighter. I love being with her for a few hour shots during the week but spending the night is always somehow bigger and better. It brings more hurdles because of that sleep thing that she hates but also more joy. The joy of having no time limits. The joy of strengthening our bond together. The joy of love and laughter that comes from way down deep. This visit was nothing but fun. We played together, hung out with the hens, ate together and played some more. She always brings back memories of my early mothering days. And that always warms my heart. I see pieces of my babies in her. This time it was the beauty of a hand print. In her zestful consumption of strawberries, a few tell tale marks were left on the wall. I was reminded of the beauty of my own children's hand prints on the walls of our home. I was never that mother that was bothered by them. It was a mark they were leaving on the world. I loved watching those prints slowly climb the walls showing the growth of my kids. And there was that funny little art activity that the primary teachers did with the hand print poem attached that showed up on several Mother's Days.

My Handprints

Sometimes I might upset you
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints
on furniture and walls.

But everyday I grow a bit
And soon I'll be so tall
That all those little fingerprints
Will be so hard to recall.

So here's a special handprint
Just so that you can say
This is how my fingers looked
When I placed them here today







Somehow I automatically just wiped Callie's prints off the wall and the minute I did I was sorry. In a flash, the evidence of her being here was gone. I think that the next time she is here, we need to memorialize those little hands in a stepping stone so her mark on my world will always be with me. I will look at it and laugh, remembering those strawberry prints on the kitchen wall.

Life on the Other Side

It is official. I am no longer a public employee for the state of California. And that feels just fine. My decision to retire and the months that followed have felt a little like a stoppage of time as I knew it. Everything since January has seemed to be in slow motion. In some ways that was beneficial so that I could truly experience each step of the way and not be taken by surprise. I never even got the speedy end of school that normally happens around mid May when you wake up and suddenly it is over. It was one day after another and it just didn't seem to have an end. With every day that went by, I was reminded of the good and bad, the happy and sad of the life of a teacher. I still do not have the euphoria that I expected. It just all feels fine. I love being home and waking each morning with an empty slate in front of me. I decide how it will be spent with no standards, or bells or after school anything. I love being the co-creator of my future, building this new business and looking forward to experiencing a new joy in children. I can't wait for the peels of laughter, and yes the tears that are inevitable. I want to create a new love for life in these kids who will spend their days with me. I am eager to guide them in maneuvering about their world, be the one who opens their eyes to the joy of reading and develop in them an appreciation for the nature that can be found right outside the back door.

Saying Good-bye to Jen

The most difficult part of leaving teaching has been leaving my partner. I have told her that if anything would have kept me in it, it is her. We have been an amazing partnership, one that I never dreamed was possible. We complemented each other in incredible ways and our kids were better for it. But more importantly, we made each other better teachers and better human beings. And so, today, I say good-bye, praying that it isn't.

Dear Jen,
The time has come to write the words that I have been dreading for months now. It is still hard for me to believe that I am really saying good-bye to the finest teacher I have ever had the pleasure to call my partner. We have done some pretty amazing things together and I am so proud of who we have become in the process. We have guided, cajoled, prodded and lit a few fires for 180 incredible sixth graders in our time together. We were able to do it because we supported and nurtured each other. Someone from the outside looking in would see that support take many shapes and sizes. We challenged each other’s thinking, we shared honestly the obstacles in our paths, and we provided a strong and comforting shoulder to rest on when it was necessary. I have never seen or experienced anything like the relationship we have had for the past three years and to be completely honest, I never dreamed it was possible. We have laughed and cried together, fought the good fight in the name of our kids, and in the end have become better teachers. As I turn to leave, I hesitate and look back in fear of all that I am leaving behind. But then I realize I am only afraid of leaving you. You have been a friend, a counselor, a sister, and companion on the journey. I pray that we will find time to continue to nurture our relationships, every one of them. I have loved peaking into the lives of your family through your stories. You have made me laugh during the bleakest of moments. You have become a part of me that I never want to lose. Stay in touch my friend and I promise to do the same. So, I turn once again and leave my teaching partner behind but grab the hand of my friend. Walk along beside me on the journey, Jen.

All my love and admiration,
Tere

A Change in Attitude

The end is near. I can almost taste it. But sometimes, the taste is a little bitter when student behavior does not meet teacher expectations. Yesterday was an awful day - one of my worst. I was just so frustrated that at this point in time, the words I heard coming out of my mouth were still the same. "You don't have your assignment? I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you using your time wisely? Thank you to the people who are listening to directions." And then someone called out those words that I just can't handle. In a discussion about where his research paper might be, which was already a week late, he uttered those 2 little words, "my mom..." Now I have absolutely no idea what he was going to say about the part his mom might play in solving this problem because I LOST it. The strong students could be seen just shaking their heads because they knew what was coming while a few others just looked befuddled. That was the low of lows for me. I could not face another day that would end in a churning stomach, pounding headache and a voice that suddenly shot up an octave without warning. And so today, I walked in the door determined to smile, to laugh and to refuse to respond. And oh, did I laugh. In that laughter, I was able to let it go, let it all go and just take in the words and actions of kids who are left on their own to solve what might seem light unsolvable problems. I reveled in what can happen when standards and expectations are taken out of the equation and adults just let kids be. I had a good, good day and am officially finished with the teaching of these kids. I am letting them go, knowing that I have given them my best, more than I thought was humanly possible to give. And now there are a whole new set of lasts to record.
The last teachable moment - I think that was today.
The last field trip on Thursday.
The last locker check, also on Thursday.
And, most important,the last happy hour on Friday.

The Mark has Been Left

Although I am leaving Buchser after only 3 years, I have managed to leave a mark or two. This year was the year of return parents and requests for siblings. It has become known by parents and teachers alike that The Shark Team is a force to be reckoned with. I also did what I could to get a Buchser garden started. My dreams were big and I can thank Kyle for keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. I prepared and planted the planter boxes on campus and even managed to get the Foods class teacher on my side as well as a 7th grade teacher that was interested in getting a group of her kids involved in a community service project. I had my highs and lows but all in all I felt pretty good about it all. But today I was able to watch my dream become a reality that will last for years to come. A Beautiful Day came to Buchser and Kyle put me in charge of the planting crew. Guys who love to dig in the dirt were thrilled to do whatever popped into my head. Plant beautiful perennials in the music building boxes. Done. Plant flowering trees in the science wing boxes. Done. Plant around the sign and entry way. Done. Add irrigation and trees to the B Quad. Done. It was amazing to watch people who actually know what they are doing do everything that would have taken me months to accomplish. It all made me feel so much better about leaving Buchser with the garden so beautiful. I know the Buchser garden will always be a thing of mine but for now I can let it go knowing that beauty has been left in my footprints.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? That is the question that I have learned to hate. And that is the question that is on everyone's mind. It is a compliment in some ways because it is born out of the realization that I am chronologically too young to be retiring. But I am tired of answering it. I am tired of the silence that immediately follows the question. I never know what to say or what attitude to infuse in the words.

The truth is that I don't really know what I'll be doing. I won't be in the classroom and that's all that is really certain. The rest will be made clear in the process of the days that pass one after the other. But that uncertainty makes people nervous and to be honest, it makes me darn nervous too.

I have several plans and hopefully the mishmash will provide a living in which a family of one girl, one dog and three hens will somehow be able to eat, continue to have a roof over all our heads and maintain the happiness with which we have all become accustomed. But please don't ask me what I'm gonna do. You might be surprised by the answer.

A Bunch of Lasts

This week has been a bunch of lasts. My classroom is finally cleaned out of everything that I am taking with me. My lesson plans are winding down and most of my copies have been made. I have made my last trip to the dumpster with my old files. I have made my last lesson plans. Every time I make the trip to the faculty work room, my brain immediately forms the question, "Will this be the last time I have to do this?" There is still no euphoria and the days are still dragging on. By Friday I feel totally exhausted and by Friday at 1:00 I can't imagine how I could possibly get through 2 more classes. But yet I do. Friday ends; I enjoy every minute of my weekends and on Monday I get up and start all over again. It feels like it will go on like this forever. This is definitely the longest end of the year I have ever had. I just can't wait for it all to be over. I feel sad saying that but it is the truth. I know that a lot of things go into this feeling. I have the most challenging class of my career. We are still being bombarded with budget cut politics. I am tutoring 6 hours a week beyond my regular work week. I am still in the midst of completing paperwork, phone calls and appointments for the next leg of my journey and my mind is never still. I wake up thinking about what I have to do in the next hour, during my prep period, after school and that night. I feel tired just walking out the door. And all I want to do is go out into the backyard and weed or seed or just sit in the sunshine. I know this will end - everything does but I am inclined at this point to just wish the next 3 weeks away, away, away.

What do you really really want in life?

This afternoon I caught the tail end of a conversation between a few teachers in the faculty lounge. It centered around soul mates and romantic love and such. When asked why I wasn't participating I avoided it all by simply saying that I had indeed had a great love that had unfortunately faded but I certainly didn't regret any of it. I'm not looking for romance. So then I was asked what I really really wanted in life and my response was "nothing." These ladies were definitely taken by surprise and simply responded that I must be very content. Yes that is the word for me, content. It is the reason that I am able to walk away from a well paying job and set my sail to the wind and trust that I will be taken to new and wondrous experience. I'm not wishing for anything because I have it all. I am surrounded by family and friends who understand and love me. I am healthy beyond belief. I live in one of the most amazing climates in the universe where I can grow my own food. I am surrounded by indescribable beauty everywhere I look. What more could a girl want?

What a Week

It has been quite a week. I have somehow managed to teach reading and writing amidst the administration of the STAR test and a whole bunch of other things that need to happen if I am going to have a future in child care. I filed for a fictitious business name, opened a business checking account and completed the on-line orientation for a state home child care license. The license application is in process and should be completed before I go back to work on Monday. I am living with one foot in the present and the other foot in August but my weight is definitely leaning forward. There is certainly enough to keep me focused in school with ending the year and finishing up a unit on myths, doing a final literature circle set of novels and somehow writing a research paper together. But my heart is dreaming dreams of all that is possible in the next stop on the journey. I both love and fear the unknown ahead. I worry about the money piece but know that all the rest is going to be filled with new and unforeseen ways to learn, love and grow along the journey.

What I Learned in Middle School

I have no doubt that I was called to middle school for some very specific life lessons. Three years is pretty short period of time to learn all that I have. I still vividly remember coming to this very school for a meeting in my early days in public school and being absolutely astounded at the language and behavior I witnessed. I could not imagine how anyone could work in such an enviromnet. And yet, 5 or 6 years later I found myself standing up in front of these very students attempting to hone my art of teaching.

I have learned to conquer the fear of ugly looks and cruel language. I know now that a smile can disarm almost anyone. I was clearly put here to spread happiness and to let kids know that someone else in the world cares about them as people, the people they are today and those they will become.

I have learned to simply act like I am in charge. Even though my stomach is flipping out of control, my face and voice can command beligerency into comformity.

I have learned how to teach, really teach. First grade is like being on vacation compared to the work that goes on in the secondary level. There is the incredible challenge of motivation, in addition to senseless harrassment, content standards, grading 70 essays over weekends and meetings, oh the meetings.

I have learned to be a little fish in a big pond. At times I have felt completely invisible. Being on a staff of 70, that is not hard to imagine. Compare that with my first year of teaching when I was one of 11. I learned quickly to be quiet and find my group.

I have learned that cake can win the hearts of any staff member. It melts the well-know sarcasm of a middle school teacher like butter on a hot knife. Yes, I have become known more for my cakes around here than my teaching ability.

I have learned that respect comes from doing. People are watching and noticing who you are in your words and actions all the time. I have been pleasantly surprised by comments that people have made about me and my dedication to teaching. And I thought no one had noticed.

I have learned that a good teaching partner can make all the difference in the world. And mine was the best! She made me a better teacher, mother, grandmother and human being. If anything would have kept me in education it would have been the opportunity to continue to grow professionaly and personally with her at my side.

I have learned that middle school kids are above all else just kids. I have learned to laugh with them, cry with them and have enjoyed every single day that they were lovingly entrusted to my care.

I am now just a bit wiser, and definitely more patient and loving than I was when I walked through the door of B-15 three years ago. It has been a fruitful stop along the way. I am grateful for all that I'm taking with me - the power of listening that leads to true understanding, the art of self-reflection, and the knowledge that the "kid" in each of us is always there. Sometimes it gets hidden by pain and fear but a smile can almost always bring it out again to laugh and play another day.

The Beginning of the End

I am extremely aware of the limited time that is left in my career as a public school teacher. Much of that is positive. I enjoy knowing that everything that I do is the "last" whatever - the last open house, the last progress report, the last STAR testing. Today I received an e-mail from a parent that warmed my heart. He was concerned about his child's failure to live out his full potential in the classroom. He included a series of questions that really made me think about his child and I thoroughly enjoyed responding to his queries. If I were staying in the profession, I might find a way to include them in our back to school packet because this is what it is all about.

What are my child's weaknesses? What are some examples of each weakness?

Does my child speak or ask questions during the class and in any of the classroom activities?

Are there any classroom relationships or situations which I need to be made aware of?

Have you noticed any changes in behavior that I should be concerned with? Is my child complaining of having trouble seeing the board or does my child seem sleepy?

Does my child work up to his/her potential?

How does my child approach test taking?

What are some of the upcoming subjects the students will be studying, and how might we support these units from home?

Is my child turning homework in on time?

Is there an action plan we can develop to keep improving my child's progression?

Now to add to this joy was the parent's response to my reflections. He commiserated with us about the lack of support we receive from most parents and then intimated that our personal knowledge of his son demonstrated that we truly were amazing. It was a wonderful compliment and so nice to know that there are people out there who have an inkling of how difficult this job really is.

The birth of a work in process

Here is the beginning of what shall be.

Titles and Credentials

We are known by many titles and our life is chronicled by the documents we collect. This week I have had the need to locate several of them. This is the me I have been, am, and shall be.

Daughter
Granddaughter
Great Granddaughter
Niece
Cousin
Sister-in-law
High school diploma
Aunt
Bachelor of Arts
Wife
Daughter-in-law
Clerk
Mom
Teacher's Aide
Day Care Worker
Administrative Assistant's Assistant
Multiple Subject Credential
Teacher
Special Education Credential
Master of Arts
CLAD certificate
Grandma
Licensed Child Care Provider

I take pride in each and every one of them, knowing that they are what brought me to the joy I feel in this moment.

A Redefinition

This spring break has been brought to you by a lot of thinking, reflecting and one big aha! I made the decision several weeks ago to resign my position as a public school classroom teacher. I endured the shock and wide variety of responses from my peers that came as a result of that announcement. I have listened and taken in for my own evaluation their responses about that decision and their advice for my future. There comes a time when all the input must stop and something must happen in order to put that first foot out in front of the other. The process of getting to that point has been much more difficult and time consuming than I ever imagined. But I suppose that is what happens when you put the universe in charge and you simply allow life to take its own course. For several weeks now I have played out scenarios in my mind. Every day I would wake up to a new one and I would sit with it for a day or so. There was no controlling the thought process; it seemed to have a life of its own. I knew I had let go of it all when I "decided" I would just go back to parochial school. Now this was not just a passing thought. I actually went to the office, picked up an application, filled it out AND wrote the essay. Why? Because the question that kept recurring over and over again is who am I if I am not a teacher? This is what I have done for 21 years and what I had always dreamed of doing long before I did it. I am that person whose what is directly connected with her who. I have reinvented myself several times in that span but never have I gone about redefining that me. So my big AHA finally occurred while hanging out with my 11 month old granddaughter. And a child will lead them... The voice in the back of my head said, you ARE a teacher and you are doing it at this very moment with the most important human being in your life. I am teaching this baby girl what love is, I am teaching her how to define herself in the context of the world, I am teaching her how to manipulate her environment and to love herself. What could be more important that? So I finally got it. I am a teacher and will forever be one. I simply will choose to do it on my terms. And my right foot slowly slid in front of the left. The brain stopped thinking and began planning.

Student Success Story

At our English Department meeting today we ended with everyone sharing a student success story. This is not a bad thing to do at this point in the year when we all feel so defeated and drained of any cognitive thought.

A "student unnamed" is my shining light this year. He is thrilled to be learning and growing. It shows through in his eyes and the energy he brings to the classroom each and every day. He brings happiness through the door. I discovered a few months ago that he responds directly and completely to student models. If he sits with players, he's a player. When he sits with workers, he's a worker. He now has gone begone mimicking behavior of his neighbors and is picking their brains. He asks questions of his table partners and really wants to know how to get that A. He is a risk taker and is not afraid to ask the "I don't understand" questions with 32 sets of eyes on him. His growth this year has brought me incredible joy and a deeper understanding of how to use the evil of pre-adolescent peer pressure for good.

People Can be So Entertaining

I am currently at a crossroads in my life. It is time to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my work world. One of the challenges of living alone is not having anyone to sound things off of. I often wonder if I am being kind of nutty when after a rough day, the only thought that rolls through my head is, "That's it." So after the rough days turn into weeks and months you just begin to wonder about what is next. I sent an e-mail to my tightest support circle with my thoughts and options. Some responded with positive comments but most remained silent. Yes, I know that I can be rather opinionated but I was actually asking for advice this time. So I put in the work to really looking for information that would help me make a decision about the next step. So now, I'm at the point where I'm pretty darn certain about what needs to happen for my personal health and happiness but as I move out in those concentric circles of support the response is very different. I think that if they could say 'You're wrong" they would. These are people who really have no idea what my daily experience is like and what I'm talking about. But yet they believe they know what the right path for me is. These are the same people that told me not to make that move to Texas after my divorce. Although the move to Texas was a short one, I wouldn't replace it for anything in the world. Those 5 months were filled with learning about myself - who I am, who I was, who I was becoming. They were priceless. They are what taught me where "home" is. So part of me is very entertained by these responses. I am reminded of how different I am from the masses. I am not afraid of personal challenges or the thought that I could be poor for a while. I might have made a pretty good Spartan all those centuries ago! I love change and am eager to see what might be coming around the next corner. Yes, it makes me a tad bit nervous, but I do not flinch from those butterflies in my stomach. I know that that is where my growth will come. I try hard not to react to their words of concern because I am that girl that has always taken the other side just to be contrary. So for today, I am still absorbing thoughts and advice from others as long as it feels positive and not judgmental. But I am also leaning pretty hard toward a new path and am eager to see where the journey takes me.

Open House

Last night was Open House. With the move to middle school, this has become an almost enjoyable evening. Elementary students' parents are so concerned about the next year that they can't focus on the present. Open house always felt more like an on the spot interview from prospective parents than a look at what your kid did today. Middle school parents don't show up in droves the way that elementary parents do but the ones who are there are extremely complimentary. They take the time to say thank you and tell you how amazing you are. That was a very nice feeling coming on the tail end of a very difficult week. It is also a time for me to put two and two together. More than once last night, I thought to myself, "Oh that's why Suzie is like she is." It is a great look inside the relationship between parent and child. Very amusing and extremely enlightening.

Peace From Quiet

Life has been at turbo speed lately. Lots of stuff going on at school, preparations for the trip to Florida for Grandpa's birthday and then coming back to clean up the messes in my absence both at home and at school. Today was one of those rare days where I had nothing scheduled and was able to call it my own. I did the stuff around the house that had to be done in the morning and then had the pleasure of thinking about what I wanted to do. I chose to read. What a gift to just have quiet in the house. I sometimes get so wrapped up in the noise of TV that I forget how nice it is to hear nothing but my own thoughts. This is something I am thinking of in making decisions about my future. I know that I am phasing out of my career as a classroom teacher and with that will come a huge hole in socialization. If I make the move to tutoring my only connections to the outside professional world will be my students and their parents. It is not a deal breaker, just something that will come with the territory. I am not one of those people that really needs a lot of contact but it is interesting to think about where I will fill that need, should it occur. One of the thoughts that popped into my head today was the myriad of feelings that occurred the year I was laid off from my job. I literally did not know who I was without a teaching job. It was how I defined myself and my entire life became a house of cards without it. I don't think that will happen this time simply because it is my choice this time around. But it is good to mull around all the pieces that go into my life before I cut one of them completely out. Another funny thing has popped up. It occurred to me that next year will be my 22nd year of teaching - the same exact number of years that I was married. That must mean something. 22 is clearly my line of demarcation! It makes me wonder what will be next. Home ownership perhaps? Or maybe I'll just be doing my next career for another 22 years. I just love what pops us when the mind isn't full of other things.

Happy Birthday Grandpa

March 2 is the birth date of 2 wonderful men, Dr. Seuss and Don Allen. Every year for my grandfather's birthday I write him a letter sharing how important he is to me. This year has been a challenge. For one thing, I've been doing this since he turned 95 and now at a whopping 103, I have run out of themes and metaphors. My heart is still full of love and gratitude for this amazing man but somehow the words haven't come together as nicely this time around as they have in the past. But, nonetheless, here is the current edition.

Happy Birthday Grandpa! Those have become three of my favorite words. But of the three words, of course, the best is Grandpa! The word Grandpa has become synonymous with love. Just saying the word increases my heart rate, I get a little light headed and I feel warm and fuzzy all over. It brings to mind the endless number of memories I have of you, starting from my first few years of life up to and including today.

As your birthday approaches my mind and heart merge as one and I begin thinking love. Months in advance travel plans and arrangements are made to leave my home and classroom behind. All I can think about is how lucky I am that I have one more chance to celebrate your birthday. The thought of Grandpa’s Birthday Hug overpowers almost any obstacle.

There can never be enough of your birthdays for me. I no longer think about your age or the idea that you are getting older. It is just another number that is added on each year and another chance for me to be in your loving presence. I believe that you are with us here today because we all still need you. We are simply not ready to let you go. I, for one, am still learning the secrets of life from you. My most recent venture into egg production has made that abundantly clear. You were one of my primary sources of information about raising chickens and it turned out that, once again, you were the expert. You beat out every chicken internet website and California urban farmer that I spoke to. Your words to me when my chickens laid their first eggs in the dark days of late December will forever ring in my ears. “Tere, you’ve got to learn to listen to me.” Yes, Grandpa, you’re right, I do need to remember to listen to you. You still have so much teaching to do and I am still that little girl, looking up into your eyes, knowing that your words are some miraculous combination of love and wisdom all wrapped up into one. Your stories, your advice and your wisdom continue to guide me. I am honored and blessed to still be learning from you and loving every minute of it. And today, I have the great pleasure of giving you your 103^rd birthday hug.

Family

A week ago I was hanging out with my sister. For most people that sentence wouldn't have any merit one way or the other. Most people have their family close to them and can hang out with them whenever they want. It is not so with my family. Somehow we have all ended up scattered to the wind. I live my life and try hard to ignore the fact that my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and any other extended relatives that exist can only be accessed by phone or e-mail. As I get older, I miss them more and more. I know that all of our days are numbered and I try to cherish the moments that we can spend together. I can get my act together and show up for a 60th birthday party that is planned months in advance. But what I miss most are the everyday moments. The "why don't you meet me for coffee/lunch/dinner" moments that happen in the everyday life. Or the "let's go for a walk" moments that I live out every week with my friends. It is just the way it is but I hate to accept things because that's the way it is. I love being close to my kids and now my granddaughter but I miss the other part of my existence. It's like I have the present and future but the past is simply a vacuum. I go to visit it but it is not a part of the me I am or will become. Nothing will be done about it beyond the acknowledgement of this emptiness that I feel.

The Thing About Primary

Primary kids - I just keep coming back to them. They are where my career began and I can't seem to get them out of my system. Opening the door to early reading is at the core of my heart of hearts. There is just nothing like it. I love the openness of primary kids. They tell you everything. They are proud, so very proud of everything they do. Describing their strategies is just part of the ongoing conversation. They are so happy being who they are and that smile that follows the decoding of a tricky word is golden. You can take it to the bank and rest assured that they will too. Every success moves to the asset side and the debits are simply ignored. I met with my first tutoring student tonight and it all came flooding back. I love primary reading and writing. I left elementary because I became bored with the content. But, in all humbleness, I would make an amazing primary departmentalized reading and writing teacher . I am a natural. I know exactly where to go next with beginning readers. I don't think that I can say that for my middle school readers and writers. The holes are little pin pricks that I am constantly trying to plug before the dike collapses. They work incredibly hard to cover up the blemishes so that no one can see that there is a problem let alone shed any light on what it might be. So for now, I will continue on with the challenges that broaden my horizons in middle school and add on the little ones that renew my love of teaching. It's a bit like an amazing main dish for dinner that is followed up with a melt in your mouth dessert. It's the combination that satisfies you and keeps you coming back for more.

Getting Outside of Myself

One of the things that I know that I need to do to feel better about life is to get a bigger picture. I have lived a pretty darn sweet life. I have always had what I needed and more. I make enough money to live in just the house I always dreamed of. I have children that love me and still have 2 generations beyond my own to continue modeling the wisdom of the universe. My life is sweet. At different times, I have tried volunteering because I have known that I needed to get a bit out of my comfort zone to appreciate all that I have been given. The efforts have been short term and I eventually leave them along the roadside. This weekend I was reminded of that need. I had dinner with Grandpa Bunt and loved every second of being by his side. He is such a wonderful man and I know that he is lonely living on his own for the first time in his 78 years. We enjoyed dinner together, lots of laughs and good conversation. We both left better than we came. Today I went to visit a friend in the hospital who is dealing with all sorts of complications from some crazy rare strand of cancer. She has had a colostomy and lots of lung issues. It reminded me of course of how precious life is but also of how the presence of another being can bring such joy. I was so happy to have had the time this weekend to share with these two fabulous human beings and know that my gift of time is more than I could ever put into words in a greeting card or wrap up in a box. This is a tiny hole in my life, ways to give back in some small way all that I have been given. I will ponder this for a bit. I know that everything I experience is meant as a life lesson and Ray and Carol were placed in the center of my road this weekend for the most important of reasons - to remind me that there is more than work and home and family and pets. There are people out there who need something as simple as just to see me show up.

Laughter Makes All the Difference

One of the brightest stars in my sky is my granddaughter. Sometimes when I look at her I have the thought that everything in my world has changed. She brings me a joy that I don't think that I have ever felt before. It is a whole new world and the sun that rules it is laughter. The simplest things make me laugh. I watch every new thing that she can do and say and am filled with pride and happiness. This past week, watching her frolicking in the bath tub, I was laughing out loud with a sound that came from deep down inside and I felt as young as I had ever been. It is such a gift for me to just be in this place at this time and none of it is lost on me. I am never too busy or stressed to hang out with Callie. It is always time well spent and I am always better and wiser and happier after being with her. Lucky me!

Choosing Happiness

This is a new topic for me. I've never thought much about it before because I have always felt pretty darn happy. I really think that one of the things I love most about working in a middle school is that I am usually smiling and it takes pre-adolescents by surprise. It is a blast to watch how they respond to someone with a silly grin on their face and saying good morning to them. So that is my starting point. I am almost always smiling. It is simply part of who I am. I don't consciously think "I'm going to smile today." It is as much a part of me as my straight brown (graying) hair and brown eyes. It is who I am. I believe that a big part of happiness is genetic. When I am with my family I laugh. We laugh at and with each other. Even difficult conversations end with a laugh. It is the way we say everything is still OK. So this all makes me think about how people find happiness.

Genetics and choice
We are all a product of our DNA but that is simply a starting point in the game of being happy. I choose each moment how to feel. No one makes me feel bad or sad. It is all inside of me. With each feeling I identify it and do what I can to either embrace it or remove it. That is easier said than done and some of those feelings take longer to eradicate than others. But in the long run, I become who I want to be.

Take control of my own life
I refuse to surround myself with negative people and the energy they exude. I am very suseptible to it and notice it immediately. When I am unhappy, I take the time to identify the source and if possible remove it from my life. The exception to that is of course winter weather. But where would my spring joy come from without the winter lows?

Identify things that make me happy and use them
I love baking. I love watching movies. When I do what I love, I can overpower the sadness that finds its way into my life.

Find time to put the daily events in their place
I am a reflector and I make time every day to think through the day's events - what went well, what sucked. The process helps me realize that there is almost always more good than bad in my life.

Sharing time
I love, love the process of creating new memories that add to my reservoir of happiness. That comes from sharing time, food and love with my friends and family. I have regular times set aside for some friends (monthly breakfast, weekend coffee dates, dinner, walking partner) and I always look forward to them. Sometimes they turn into a short bitch session but we always come out of it and and are able to find humor in our own lives. This time spent often becomes the impetus for my own self improvement. It also reminds me that while I may live alone, I am not alone. There are wonderful people in my life who "get" me.

Thinking outside of myself
One of the greatest things I have done lately for happiness is to raise chickens. I had no idea that was going to happen when I started this venture. One reason is that they have made me realize that there are just some things that can't be controlled, they just are. They walk, they fly, they eat, they poop wherever and whenever they want. It has become my challenge to simply accept some things in the world. And I have to say that it is slow but it is coming. I still don't like walking out on the deck and seeing their residue but I'm adjusting. It is also extremely entertaining just to watch them from the window and realize how simple life can be but one of my greatest joys is to open the door and take a step or two and watch what happens. All three of them come running, heads bobbing as if to say, "She's here. She's here." If that doesn't make you happy, I don't know what would.

Maintain a long range view
As a child, my mantra was "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true." It's a quote from Clarice in that funky Rudolf that I still watch every year. I still live my life with one foot in the future, always thinking about what I want to do next. Even though my "next" is semi-retirement, it excites me and it keeps me from obsessing on today.

Think happy
I try to remember that happiness is a choice. It is the lens through which I choose to view my life. Even when things are challenging at work, I look forward to coming home and relighting my fire. I surround myself with beauty and love everything in and around my home. I walk through the door and know that life is good.

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January Theme Song

This could have been my theme song for January. It is how I have felt - I just keep on rising up. One day has followed another and now February is just ahead. A little happy dance is in the making.

The Question

If there was nothing stopping you, what would you choose to do?

This question was posted on Facebook by my daughter and it has resonated with me. I guess in light of all my thinking about the future, it makes sense that something like this would roll around for a bit inside of my head.

It is really hard for me to answer because I have such a hard time looking past money and to be completely honest, fear. A few years ago one of my greatest desire was to parachute out of a plane but not now. I am thinking about much more age appropriate things these days.

If nothing was stopping me...

Travel: Australia, more Europe (Spain, Greece, more of France, Italy again, Switzerland/Austria), see the fall colors in the northeast, tour a few antebellum plantations (don't ask me why), Montana (can't explain that one either)

Ride in a hot air balloon - I've been waiting for that one since my 40th birthday

Fly in a glider or maybe an airship instead

Go white water rafting - on the mild side

Ride my bike more

Get better at sewing

Read more

Go to more movies

Create more opportunities to celebrate our family

Find ways to hang out with my siblings and my sister-in-law

Become a wonderful mixture of my own two grandmas for Callie and any other grandbabies that come my way. I want to bake and garden with them and create all sorts of wonderful memories that can only be described by them as "I just love being at my Grandma's."

A Shaft of Light Shines Through the Darkness

I am finally feeling the beginning of something wonderful. I have come to the decision that I am ready to slowly fade out of my current role as public school teacher. I'm not sure how slow the fade will be but it is at least a baby step. I have signed papers to go on a reduced work program next year. In plain English that means I will teach 4 periods instead of 5. I have come to the realization that I love teaching, I love where I'm teaching, I love who I'm teaching and I even love who I am teaching with but I absolutely detest the system in which all those things are encapsulated. That all makes perfect sense at this moment but it has taken me months to figure it out through my winter duldrums and general malaise. For the first time in my life, I struggled to just get up in the morning and actually put one foot in front of the other. It was nice for me to understand what it might be like to be depressed but it has not been a pleasant journey. I am that obnoxious person who has always hopped out of bed and greeted the day no matter what. So it took me no time at all to say yes to the idea of cutting back my time in the classroom. I'm not quite ready to retire and can not support myself without my public school gig so this appears to be the best of all possible worlds. And I am once again getting myself out of bad without the question running through my head of why I have to get up and how long til I can put my pajamas back on again. My immediate plan is to start tutoring this summer and I am hopeful that it will turn into my next "job." The interesting thing in this process is that this little step has opened up a whole new world. People talk to me about other options and I honestly think about them and ponder their viability. Yes, I could go back to private school; Yes, I could be a home school teacher; Yes, I could start my own tutoring business. I feel myself saying yes to all sorts of things. I have never regretted anything that I've done in life but this is something different. Life feels like a blank slate with a giant question mark on it. What do you choose to do with the next leg of the journey?

Living Life

It isn't often that I stop and think that I am doing something well but last night I did. I was in a conversation with my ex-husband... which is not as bad as it sounds. Over the years, we have found topics that we can discuss and at times actually enjoy one an other's company. He was talking about his recent travel bug and I really pressed him on it to try to understand where this has come from. When I see that man change as much as he has in the past year, I certainly want to know about it. To be completely honest, when he told me he was going to Italy last year, my first thought was that he had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live. During our marriage, he never wanted to go anywhere. Other things always came ahead of travel of any sort. So as we delved into this topic last night it all boiled down to "I'm getting older" which I guess is interpreted as I'm not going to be able to do this sometime soon. My mind went back to Elizabeth Edwards 's words before her death, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered." I don't know what my number is but I have lived them without regret. I have seen and done everything that I wanted to do. I am saving nothing for that point in time when I NEED to do it because I'm getting older. Yes, I have debt but no regret. I love living life in its moment and not pondering when I will do what I wanted to do today. Today and the opportunities it presents are only here in this moment. I can't put them in a box and save them under the bed waiting for the right time to bring them out and live them. Today is one of my numbered days. I want to live it well.

Life is a Come As You Are Party

It is official. I am in a funk. I have been here before but this one has a different feel to it. The unfortunate part is that I know the difference is age. And I think that might mean that there is no going back. During the fall, I noticed something funny about my attitude. It seemed that everyone I talked to was having a hard time getting into the school year. In my head, I started blaming my teacher friends for bringing me down and I started fighting hard to stay positive. I got through all the markers - Labor Day, Veterans Day, 1st quarter report cards, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas arrived. Because of our change in schedule that was the half point. I was never so happy to have 2 weeks off. I loved every single minute of that break until the end. Then I started obsessing about having to go back to work. That's not me. So that's when all the real thinking began. I love my school, I love the kids I'm teaching and I love the curriculum. So what is it? Teaching is exhausting. But that's not new. Everything I read in the paper, see in the news and even in movies is negative about the education system. And so am I. How do I continue to keep my passion for teaching alive when I detest the system that holds it? I am now a nurse, nutritionalist, counselor and practically a second mom. I didn't sign up for that and that is what is knicking away at my fire. I spend so much teaching time not teaching 6th grade reading and writing. We don't start on standards until we know that everyone is ready to listen. That means we have food in our bellies, the chatting has stopped and we have dealt with whatever crisis has occurred - name calling, ugly looks, locker travesties, you name it. I know it's important and that I can't teach the curriculum until everyone is fed and safe but it is still wearing on me. In addition to all of this, I am not being fed in professional development anymore because of budget cuts so any growth in my career is left up to me. I'm just not that teacher that can do the same thing year after year. I have to grow and change. I am still reading professionally but I don't seem to have the energy to apply much of it. I know that I am a good teacher but I am losing my desire for the long haul. I can't see much past June 3 and perhaps the beginning of next year.

I am trying hard just to stay in the moment and feel what it really is. No, I'm not ready to throw in the towel or retire yet . I still like too much of what I'm doing. Maybe it simply requires me admitting that I'm getting older and I don't approach anything with the same energy anymore. It all feels a bit like a come as you are party. I don't think anyone does them anymore but it is a part of my childhood memory. A friend would plan a party but the invitees wouldn't know about it. You would be kidnapped and taken to the party in whatever you happened to be wearing and what ever condition you were in. That is kind of like what it feels like when I wake up in the mornings now. I take it as it is. If the energy is there, I rush off to work and do what I have always done. If it's not I take stock and do what can be done and I allow myself the time and space I need. The good thing is that I am still an early riser so if the energy isn't there I just tell myself it's OK and I'll just be a few minutes later today. The world doesn't end, the kids get taught and I get through another day.

I have been pretty fascinated by talking to people about this. I have been shocked by all the people that don't LIKE going to work. They are fine when the kids show up but they don't wake up raring to go. So part of me is just grateful for having had 20 years of being excited about my job.

So as I prepare for another day of teaching, I promise myself to continue putting one foot in front of the other until I feel better about it all or June 3 shows up on the calendar. I also know that I need to find some peers that will feed my professional development beast. And the final plan is to do some tutoring this summer so I can get in some real teaching. Maybe this three prong approach will work together to light my fire again. Or maybe, just maybe I need the winter fog to lift and the spring sun to clear away the duldrums. I hope it really is as simple as more daylight, warmer temperatures and blooming flowers.

A Baby's Smile

There is nothing quite like a baby's smile. The whole world is entranced by babies. If you don't believe it, go find one and look at what people do when they are in the presence of a baby. Jut watch for a moment. Everyone, everyone smiles Construction workers; old, old grandmas; little kids; everyone smiles when they see a baby. Think about that for a minute. What else in the world makes everyone smile? Nothing I know. I've never seen anything quite like it. But if you want to flip your heart upside down, take a good look at YOUR baby's smile.. This is a picture of my baby with her baby. But it's my baby's smile that is constantly on my mind these days. Maria has always, ALWAYS been happy. When she was in second grade she actually got a student of the month award for smiling. At the time I was extremely irritated about it because I knew there was so much more to this very happy child than what you saw first. But as the years have gone by, I have come to understand the power of that smile. But,I wish Mrs. DiAngelo could see that smile now. I've never seen happiness come to life the way I have seen my own daughter smile while holding her baby. There is nothing like it. And I have seen it over and over and over again. It doesn't come through in the photographs but when you get to see mama and baby together as much as this grandma does you see it and breathe it in and then it is gone in a flash before you can even say "Oh Baby."' And your little heart melts into this oatmeal-like mush and you just give thanks to the universe or whoever or whatever might be in charge and just say "thank you, thank you that I got to be in the presence of this happiness brought to life."

A New Year, Another New Beginning

As a child I was completely mystified by my grandparents annual comments regarding how fast the year goes by and that everyone one of them seems to go faster. How could 365 days go quickly and how could the speed alter dependent upon your age? Then in my college years, my parents started saying the same thing. So I knew there must be something to this. Now of course, I am in that place in life where I don't speak it aloud, but I do feel the increased speeding of time. We go through our lives one day at a time and before you know it a week has gone by and then a month. Zoom. Another year has come to an end and we ponder what has gone on in that time. What are the life lessons? What are the highs and lows? I guess in teaching we are more congnizant of passing time than other professions. My first thought of a school day is what am I doing today, meaning what am I teaching first period, second period, what meetings do I have today, what I am doing after school. Everything I do is based on time. I teach units of study that have a completion date just so that I can move to the next one. We grade and evaluate progress quarterly, gearing everything toward the proverbial test and then our attention shifts to the end of the year, the last day of school and being assured that these students are ready for the next year so we can start it all over again. My entire work life is dependent upon time. I am forced to notice it but yet I have the same feeling that my grandparents and parents did of it slipping through my fingers.

In looking back over my blogs of 2010, I can clearly see that my life is full of the wonderful. I go on and on about amazing events in my life, my quandaries and yes, even my failures. It can be something as simple as planting a seed in the garden or collecting an egg laid by one of my hens. And sadly enough it can also be as gargantuan as students who don't have breakfast or know that they are loved. My entire life is about questions and discovering answers, questions that most people don't consider or have already answered for themselves and moved on. I am stunned that at my age, I am still creating who I am and who I want to be. It is apparent that I will never be defined or put in a box that says this is who Tere is or was. I am terribly envious of those who find their place and burrow down to root and grow and are able to thrive in that little hole in the ground. But I am on a journey. It has no destination. It is simply a journey of figuring things out for myself. Time continues to pass and that passing of time also changes who I am. Every year that goes by increases my understanding of the students and curriculum I teach. I enter a the classroom a different person based on those experiences. Every passing year helps me understand who I am and am becoming as a friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, mother, and now grandmother. I am deeply aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing people joining me on this journey of discovery.

Time is my friend and is also a constant companion on this journey. It is the one required ingredient that allows me to have all these wonderful experiences. I am learning to embrace the minutes and hours in a day and become cognizant of the speed at which they travel. The older I get, the harder they are to hold on to. And so today, an entire year lies ahead of me; an unopened gift which in the moments ahead I will ever so slowly begin to peel back the paper and see what's inside. A new year, a new beginning to this fascinating journey that lies ahead.

Decade #9

Today is my dad's 80th birthday. He has now been on this earth for 8 full decades. That is inconceivable to me. Even though I am fully aware that my grandfather has nearly completed his 103rd year, an 80 year old father has no place in my brain. I clearly remember driving up to my grandfathers house many years old as he was coming down the ladder from his roof. After I explained to my son that he was in the process of reroofing his house, Dave asked how old he was and I responded "80" as if the words I had just spoken were actually 45 or 50. It was not unusual for my grandfather to do things like that. So my father is now the age my grandfather was so many summers ago. And no, it would not be a surprise to drive up my father's driveway and find him reroofing his house either. It is what those Allen men do. They live a long time and they do by themselves whatever needs to be done. I am definitely an Allen in every sense of the word - single-minded (stubborn) and independent (I'll do it myself!). However, I am often frightened of the Allen longevity trait. I am not employed in a job that has allowed for much saving for the future. And my single-minded, independent streak was not an asset in my divorce. I just wanted out and believed that I would somehow make ends meet because I was an Allen and that's what we do. Good for my self esteem but not for any long term financial goals. So here I am, thinking that I am nearing the end of my career but today am reminded that I have a 102 year old grandfather and now an 80 year old father. It is almost a given that I will live another 25 years. These breaks from school used to make me think about what else I could be doing but now I just think about retirement. Maybe I need a transition plan. Instead of when shall I retire, the new question of the day becomes what shall I do when I leave teaching? In the meantime, I will simply celebrate the Allen men and give thanks that I still have them both in my life, leading me through the obstacles and celebrating all the joys of this earthly life. I am a lucky girl.

A Grandma's Love

Why is it that the older I get, the more I miss Grandma? I am slowly but surely realizing how important she was to who I have become. This week I have watched my son-in-law go through the loss of his grandmother and I am reliving all the pain of saying good-bye to my own. There is just some kind of special relationship that we had that can never be severed, not even by death. When I look at the sadness in Bill's eyes it is eerily familiar. I am looking in the mirror 10 years ago. When I think about it or send e-mails or sympathy cards to Bill's family, it all comes back to me. The sadness, the feeling of untethered floating in air, the loss, always the loss. Then I look at Callie and know that Grandma is still teaching me. She is reminding me about what's important in life. It's the reason that everything stops when I'm with that beautiful baby. I pray that when I leave this earth, the lessons I leave behind will be in Callie's heart the way that Grandma's are in mine. Grandma is still teaching from that little corner of my heart that she has taken up residence in. It's relationships. It's time, spending time with those we care about and it's love, always the love. The love of my grandmother was like coming home. It was food and warmth and hugs. All my deepest childhood memories have her in them. Even my first trip home from college was a direct route from the airport to Grandma and Grandpa's house. And I can still feel the hugs, the warmth and yes, the food that was waiting for me there. That's what it is. The expectation, the waiting for us to get there. Grandparents wait for the children to arrive. There is preparation involved and in that preparation is the embodiment of love turned into solid matter that you can reach out and touch and hold in your hand. When they are gone we search for someone who waits for us and prepares for our arrival the way they did. But Grandma is telling me that it is my turn to now pay it forward. It is my time to prepare for children to arrive. To cook and hug and bandage boo boos followed with a kiss and every now and then to shake my finger and begin a sentence with "You kids better get down from there!"

Grandma, thanks for hanging in there with me until I finally got it. I love you and miss you, still miss you so very much. I'm so thankful for the memories of you and the lessons you taught me.

Egg!

The chickens came to live here 6 months ago - almost to the day. I have loved watching them grow from cute little baby chicks into those awkward things that look like they are constantly falling over each other into beautiful hens. And this morning I discovered my first egg. My first reaction was exactly what I expected it would be. Oh my god, one of the hens laid an egg. I carried it gently inside and then a myriad of thoughts ran through my mind. Ummm... this came out of the hen's butt. Am I really going to eat it? But the fact is that I couldn't wait to crack it open and see the difference between what I grew and what I buy. There is a real shell. Hooray! And yes it did look a little more yellow than what I'm used to. But no orange or redness. Another hooray. Now what to do? Put it in the pumpkin bread or a scrambled egg? I decided that because it was the first I wanted to know everything about it unadulterated by milk or hidden away inside a loaf of bread. I mixed it up and was stunned at the yellowness that abounded. The thing was almost all yolk. I carefully cooked it like the tiniest of omelettes and I have to say it was delicious. It definitely had a flavor to it. I wanted to call it gamey but not really so I guess I'll call it farmy. I'm just so happy and proud of what I have accomplished even though I really had little to do with it. When I returned to feed the girls another thought occurred to me. How strange it is that a mother would lay an egg and just walk away from it. I literally found it in the dirt outside the coop which means it must have been laid yesterday when they were roaming about. The laws of nature astound me. How many eggs does a young hen lay before she thinks about sitting on the thing to hatch it? It's all so interesting and so much fun getting closer to the earth.

Time. All We Have is Time

I am on break again and could easily go through the list in my head of all the things I love about this job of mine that gives me time, big chunks of time to breathe and rest and refresh. I could delineate everything I like about the hiatus from the stress and daily challenges of school. But everything on that list would come down to the same thing. Time. I lose all track of it in the work world. Time is simply the goal for getting things done. Ringing bells for changing periods, paperwork that has to be filed by some arbitrary date, meetings that start and end on time, grades that end the quarter, the semester, the year. But when I am on break, time is simply a form of measurement. Today is whatever day. Whatever gets done or doesn't get done has no connection to time. There is always another minute, hour, day to do it. And if it isn't important, it doesn't get done. Life goes on without interruption. In the working of the day, I just look up and say, "Oh it's 3:00 or 7:00" or whatever and continue to function based on where I am in time not what I thought was going to be done by this time. I love the freedom of it and it is the number one reason I think I will someday be a very successful retiree.

At this time of year, time takes on even more meaning. We have images and dreams in our heads of Christmas, of what it has been in the past and what we want it to be this time around. The beauty of it is all we need to do is stop and appreciate the moment we are in. It is all there; love of family and friends, honoring of family traditions, the making of new memories. It doesn't involve gift giving or big elaborate dinners or any of what we waste our energy on. It is simply taking the time to spend with one another. The time we have on this earth is finite. No one knows what that number is so at Christmas and all year though, I continue to try and remember that everything is about time. Not due dates or calendars but this moment, only this moment. It's all we have.

Throwing Down the Gauntlet

The past few weeks have seen an upswing in stress at school. Teachers, administrators and kids alike. One of the uglier ways it comes out in kids is harassment - a big word that means one kid makes another kid feel bad. It is one of the harder things to get 6th graders to understand about middle school. There is no more calling Mommy to tell you to behave. You are now responsible and you are responsible for what you do, say and even for the looks you give. If it makes someone else feel uncomfortable you are harassing them whether you meant it or not. It is a rude awakening into the real world for some. Lately we have had some more serious bullying going on - name calling to the extent of racial slurs. This is the line in the sand for all of us. Our students have difficulty understanding the emotional response from their teachers because they hear these words all the time and they mean nothing to them. They are on TV, in the movies, in their music, even in video games. So not only are we challenged to teach the hazardous effects of bullying but it also becomes a lesson in vocabulary and the history of these words. Today's reality is that kids are committing suicide over harassment. It's a new world out there with e-mail, texting, facebook all under the auspices of cyberbullying. There is no margin for error when we are talking about kids' lives.

Recently, a harassed student at our school told an administrator that he didn't think the racial slurs could be stopped. That was a challenge we are all ready and willing to take on. The vice principal and counselor made the rounds to the classrooms last week and now everyone is talking about it. I heard a student on the quad say, "Stop being a bully and give me back my soccer ball." There is an incredible sense of empowerment in that simple statement. We have named it for them and now they can deal with it head on.

Yesterday my kids wrote about it. Here are a few of my favorites:

Bullies have become a really big threat to students. Everyone has been bullied at least once. Bullies hurt people physically and emotionally and that affects a student’s academics. Teasing hurts kids. It makes them think of what’s going to happen instead of what is happening. What about school? They don’t think about school. Bullying might make you feel very powerful. You are really not getting any power by hurting someone. All you’re doing is causing fear in your environment. Do you feel powerful now?

Bullying changes others. Bullies hurt other people’s feelings. When people become depressed from bullying, their emotions change and they don’t act normally. Bullying discourages people and other people will think of themselves as people who are the outsiders. Often people don’t do well in school when they are bullied. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Bullies think bullying is right but they just want power. They think that if they bully, they will get the power they want. People who try to get power from bullying don’t think about the other people who aren’t bullies. Power comes from positive things you do well. Making other people powerless doesn’t make the bullies more powerful.

Bullies, bullies, bullies. One thing I don’t get about life is bullies. All they do is make people feel bad about life and themselves. I say this because they put people down who they don’t even know. Some people who have been bullied have killed themselves. Why would someone want to be responsible for someone’s life? Maybe one reason they do it is to get power or feel better about themselves. I believe that power cannot come from others. It can only come from yourself and your achievements. Bullying is the worst thing that can happen to anyone in life and it could kill someone in the end.

Bullying is wrong because it hurts people’s feelings by insulting them. Insults hurt people a lot. When bullies insult people, it scares them and people think they are powerless. The only reason why the bullies bully people is because they want themselves to look cool. But it doesn’t make you look cool; it makes you look like a jerk. Bullies hurt innocent people’s feelings and that’s very rude. These people did not do anything to the bullies and they are forced to live in fear.

Many times people get bullied at schools for no apparent reason. Well, bullying is wrong. The bullied get abused emotionally and physically. Even if there is a reason behind it, it is just wrong. The bullies don’t think of how the bullied feel. They only think of power and everything in the present. They don’t think about the consequences. They should think ahead 20 minutes and better yet, 20 years and how their life could change horribly for bullying.

Bullying can cause a negative effect on people mentally and physically. People can feel powerless, weak, or worthless. Bullies can affect someone’s emotions very strongly which will give them nightmares that they’ll never forget. Bullying allows everyone to stay in fear and never express themselves because they hate the thought of being bullied or laughed at. Kids might not want to go to school because of the thought of being bullied. Bullying can affect someone’s focus in school because of the hated thoughts constantly lingering in their head. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Most bullies think bullying is right but all they really search for is power. They think that if they bully they’ll be powerful. Bullies never give a second thought about the victims being bullied. The truth is that power must come from success that you earn throughout life. You can’t gain power so easily. You earn power with the good traits that will guide you in the future.

Bullying is wrong because it puts people down. First of all, bullying creates negative effects both mentally and physically. Many kids think they don’t look good enough or that their clothes are out of style and ugly. Bullying makes kids feel insecure. Harsh comments and name calling that bullies say to kids make them feel unworthy and not good enough. Most bullies are just searching for power. They try to gain power by taking power away from others, making them powerless. But the truth is that power doesn’t come from making others powerless. You must gain power doing good things like getting good grades and being talented. Everyone has something they’re good at to gain power, not by bullying.

Bullying. Put-downs. Insults. It will never stop, will it? Bullies do all these things for cheap laughs and thrills. It’s like everybody forgot the golden rule, “Do unto others as you want them to do to you.” So overall, if all the bullying that the bully did to someone returned to them, a load of depression mixed with anger and sadness would hit them. Scientists have figured out why bullies bully. They do it for power because they feel powerless themselves. But power can’t come from bullying; it will just bring you down in your social life. True power comes from what you like doing, like soccer or art, even just talking to your friends. I’m not telling you to change yourself, just think about how you would feel if you got bullied.

Bullying is wrong because it changes the way people feel about themselves. As bullies are constantly reminding the victim about their mistakes, and other people agree, they feel that they are incorrect the whole time and that whatever the bully says is correct. They can be taken advantage of more often because of these negative feelings. Bullies think differently. They think that bullies have nothing to do with other people’s feelings and that each person is in charge of controlling their own feelings. Sadly, they are mistaken. Bullying can change one’s emotions. One minute they feel totally confident with themselves, the next depressed and shy. This can make them grouchy with their peers and/or lose focus in class discussions and assignments. If bullying were to stop, I think it would make a huge difference in everyone’s lives.

Look Behind You

While out on yard duty this morning, I saw a fascinating thing. We all know that middle school students pride themselves on hiding from the world. They are uncomfortable with almost everything about their self image. Today I saw a boy get out of his mom's car standing up straight and tall. but as she drove away he put his hood over his head, slumped over and nearly crawled toward the gate to school. I thought "Mom! Quick! Look in your rear view mirror and look at who your child is for 6 hours a day. " We don't really know who are kids are we are not around. But this was so dramatic. I practically screamed my Good Morning at him but of course he did not look up. Yes. This is what I do. Scream nicities at kids who are hiding from themselves and the rest of their world. I know that particles of my good mornings and how are yous somehow find their way to their target because a few days later I am often gifted with the little half smiles that are just enough to encourage me to keep at it and do it again day after day.

Becoming Home

I am becoming the home that I used to miss. It occurred to me today on my way home from my Callie Time that Thanksgiving had passed without tears and the preparations for Christmas do not have that gray spot in them. There isn't the sadness that comes from me missing home this time of year. Home was never a house, it was people. It was Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad and all the trimmings - aunts, uncles cousins, neighbors stopping by. All that Iowa stuff that I never figured out how to recreate in California. And I never got over it. Even in the hustle and bustle of raising babies and getting educated and finding jobs I never got over missing the memory of home. It was one of the few things I could never figure out - why didn't it get easier as the years went by. I've been in California 34 years and the hole was always there. I don't ever remember a Thanksgiving passing without feeling teary and lamenting the smell of Grandma's kitchen, the steamy windows and the love, all that love that surrounded me. This year I was just surrounded by the spirit of Grandma without the sadness. And today I got it. I am now the grandma creating those smells and tastes for this new generation. I have moved down a branch on the family tree. It's funny how I keep getting these new awakenings and every one of them takes me by surprise and leaves me with a smile. Life just keeps getting better and better.

Callie's Overnight

Callie and I have had our first overnight experience and it was everything and more that I expected. My sister often says that being a grandma is heaven and I guess that explains it as well as any other word I could come up with. I know it's nothing like anything else I've ever experienced. If love was matter that you could reach out and touch, it would look and smell and taste just like Callie.

Friday night was wonderful. We sang and played and walked and talked. I knew the sleeping part would be a challenge and it was but we both survived it. Once I remembered that Grandma's house was ordained as a place to be spoiled, I could let go of the rules of sleep. Then when morning came, the most amazing thing happened. She rolled over, looked up at me and smiled and laughed. Not only my heart, but my entire being melted in that baby giggle. We got up and started the day together - getting dressed, eating breakfast, feeding the dog and hanging out with the hens. Yes, my sister is right. Being a grandmother is heaven.

In the words of Julie Andrews, "These are a few of my favorite things."
The way she nuzzles into that space between by chin and chest, moves her head back and forth and settles into me
The way she holds my thumb that's holding the bottle as she eats her breakfast
The way she looks into my eyes and lets me know that she is trusting me with everything
That smile that is followed by that laugh. I swear if we could patent that, there would never be another war.
The way she caresses the skin on my neck between her thumb and fingers
The babbling that is so earnest and sweet
Yes, these are my favorite things. From this day forth, when I'm feeling sad, I will simply remember Callie and our first night together.

Student Reflections

My new favorite thing to do since I jumped to middle school is to have kids evaluate their own learning. I learn so much about my teaching that I would never ever figure out without them sharing their thoughts in their own words. We recently completed the novel Esperanza Rising so it was time to reflect. Two of the questions asked them to reflect on their thoughts on the book and to consider how their reading has improved from the activities we did. Here are a few of my favorites:

I really think that Esperanza Rising was a good book because it taught me that money is not always the most important thing. My reading improved a lot because some words I didn't even know existed were taught to me and I learned them.

I liked this book in the beginning. The middle was great but the end needs work. I learned more words and the book's message made my thinking improve.

I like the book a lot. It teaches people that you can go through a lot of changes and still be happy. Nothing is better than family. My reading has improved because I didn't really like the book at first but then I started reading more which got me interested.

I loved the book. It gave me understanding and hope and reminded me that everyone should be grateful for having a family. It taught me how to accept me for me. My last thought would be to be happy for what you have. My reading improved dramatically. It allowed me to think of questions which led to great ideas. It gave me an opportunity to increase the suspense in stories. Also, it allowed me to never quit while reading because maybe in the next page it might get interesting.

I thought the book was pretty good. It had a lot of surprising parts in it. It has given me patience in reading because I always had to wait before reading the next chapter.

I thought the book was really exciting and mind catching. I never wanted to put down the book. There were many events that made me wonder and ask questions so that was good. I would honestly say that it was one of the best books I have read. We are now more skilled and we take a lot more time to think about books. We have gained more knowledge to reflect on our reading. We will now read books more carefully.

Esperanza Rising is one of my top 6 favorite books. It helped me understand that when you read, you really need to think about what's happening in the story.

Esperanza Rising was a really good book. It reminded me of my grandma's life when she was younger. Well, I still think my reading is the same, but this has encouraged me to read different books.

The book has kind of made me think that money isn't everything and to like what you have while you still have it. It made me believe that I can read a long book if I put my thoughts into it.

I think it has changed my perspective about things because I used to think reading novels like this was boring but now I don't. I learned a lot of things about reading realistic fiction. I learned that maybe reading realistic fiction would be kind of fun.

It taught me a lesson. I changed. I'm a completely different person and I will never be the same way again.

Play Dates and Pixie Dust Brighten Abuela's Week

By ANA VECIANA-SUAREZ

aveciana@MiamiHerald.com

I've been looking forward to this all week, daydreaming at my desk, plotting activities over lunch. This will be the absolutely, most completely perfect Sunday: The grandchildren are coming! The grandchildren are coming! It's the start of summer vacation and the night before Christmas all rolled into one.

I'm a grandmother lucky enough to live within 10 minutes of my three granddaughters, a veritable hop-skip-and-jump from a world of pixie dust and tea parties. I pilfer moments to visit during the week, but my long days and their early bedtimes translate into scarce opportunities.
Until the weekend. And even then a full-scale play date requires careful planning around the kids' busy social schedule -- birthday parties galore! -- and delicate negotiations with the other sets of grandparents. I'm not above shameless bribery.

``I have chocolate,'' I tease over the phone one afternoon. ``Lots of chocolate. And cookies.''
At home they adhere to strict dietary guidelines. At Abuela's house . . .

``The butterfly is waiting for you,'' I tell them another day. And it is, a dead tiger swallowtail that I laid to rest in a jewelry box. Though its yellow and black wings are dry and crumbly, it remains a prized possession, as do a bird's nest abandoned in the bushes and a snake skin I found while weeding.

``We'll go swimming,'' I add, pulling out all the stops. This is a favorite activity, done best with their Zayde, who doesn't care how many times his shampooed hair gets wet.

Then Sunday dawns cloudless and balmy, Miami's attempt at fall weather. All three -- my son's twins and my daughter's toddler -- are deposited on my doorstep and I practically slam the door in their parents' anxious faces. So many rules, so many mandates. I can't believe I've produced such persnickety grownups.

Then, finally, we're alone and together: Let the good times roll.

We bake cookies for Uncle Ben away at college, plucking the chocolate chips out of the dough without remorse.

We study the grass snake that has slipped into the bathtub through the drain pipe and practice the sound of the letter S until we collapse in giggles.
Then, as the sun -- another S! -- settles behind the areca hedge, we go bug-hunting, a bald baby doll and red wagon in tow.

``Skip the children,'' my husband advises friends. ``Go straight to grandchildren. It's a lot more fun.''

He's right. Grandparenting is the ice cream sundae without the calories, the shop-till-you-drop extravaganza without the credit card bills. In other words, pleasure without responsibility.
And yet, cuddling with the third generation fills you with precisely that: a sense of duty, a recognition of accountability. The sweet scent of their sweat, their outstretched arms, the lips puckered for a wet kiss, the soft melody of their childish voices -- all these infuse me with energy and determination. There's a clarity of purpose that arrives with your children's children. The world, and your place in it, becomes more meaningful.

Ah, so this is the reward for all the heartaches of childrearing.

An old friend says my face changes when I speak of my grandchildren. It softens, it opens, it turns welcoming and vulnerable.

I don't doubt it. It's a reflection of my brimming heart. In their presence I feel suddenly and inexplicably beautiful.

I Don't Really Think of Myelf as Adventurous

I often wonder how much of who I am today is a result of my Iowa rearing. My childhood is now a thing I think of as in long, long ago time but sometimes I have no other explanation for my view of life compared to those around me. This past weekend my two dear friends and I had reserved our calendars for our annual "girls' weekend." The three of us have a tradition now of going away for a weekend with the intention to mostly drink and talk and laugh. We all look forward to it and know that it has cemented our friendship in strange and wonderful ways. This year the plan was to hang out in the Healdsburg/Santa Rosa area. We had lovely hotel reservations and plans for lunch at Healdsburg Bar and Grill followed by some wine tasting.. Then the ominous Friday morning weather report suggested that the first storm of the season rolling through might result in 1-3 inches of rain in the north bay. My world view was to e-mail them both with some lighter-than-air comment that we should be prepared for rain and staying inside drinking fine wine and enjoying our fine friendship. Well the elder of the group somehow got worried about the rain and the "danger" of driving home in the imagined blinding storm. She somehow convinced the driver of the group that this was indeed dangerous and the plans came to a screeching halt. I returned to my classroom after lunch on Friday to a voice mail that I just couldn't quite fathom. No weekend away because it's going to rain? Huh? Is this a joke? My first mental response was that I have to find some new friends. Seriously! You're going to let a little rain put a stop to our annual tradition? I had no place to put this in my brain. So I sent a text expressing my sadness. Well, there were several more texts, e-mails and phone calls over the next few hours. But the end result was that we had a lovely Saturday lunch at the Ritz Carlton in Half Moon Bay and spent the night at The Grand Hotel in Sunnyvale. That's right - Sunnyvale. We, of course, had a wonderful time and laughed endlessly about the "storm." The only explanation I have come up with for my lack of fear in all this is that I was raised in Iowa. You just never know what will happen in the midwest. You walk out the door in the morning and you could be returning to anything that night - rain, sleet, ice, snow. Has that "ready for anything" view of the world become a part of my being or does life just not scare me? I don't have the answer to this one and I am still blown away at how one person's fear can rewrite a much anticipated weekend. But the good news is that if you're looking to stay in town locally, The Grand Hotel has free, yes, free drinks from 5-7 and free breakfast in the morning. You can spend the night in a little bungalow for hardly anything with your very own own kitchen, living room and bedroom. It definitely ended up being our cheapest weekend ever! And we had a lot of laughs, talked about everything under the sun, and drank some fine wine. I came back refreshed and feeling better than ever about life. But the question about fear and danger still nag at me. I don't really think of myself as adventurous and am curious about the things in life that seem to scare other people What are they missing because of what they think may happen?

Superman?

If it isn't Superman that can change things in the American educational system, who is going to save us? I saw Waiting For Superman over the weekend and it is still with me. My heart broke for those 5 kids and their families and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I am a reader of almost anything about education so nothing in the movie was new or shocking to me. Perhaps it was just seeing it all laid out in one place that tore me apart. I have been embarrassed by my job on many instances but leaving that theater was a bit closer to humiliation than I have ever been before. Am I really a part of this system that knowingly chooses not to educate children, that protects the teachers while sacrificing the students and even the schools that work, stratifies them into those who will have college as an option and those who will not? Numbers don't lie. How do you deal with knowing the fact that there is only a 12% chance that a student who lives in a specific neighborhood will graduate high school and be equipped for college level courses? I don't work in a "bad" school but I am a part of a system that is broken. The problems appear too complex to fix from within but it seems that other people are able to do what we cannot. Charter schools are doing some incredible things with kids the public system has turned its back on. It is time to rephrase the statement that schools are bad because they are in bad neighborhoods. We have created bad neighborhoods out of bad schools. That is still a hard concept to wrap my head around. For 50 years I have believed what I have been told by the media, by police reports and by all sorts of books that have been written. I have worked in east San Jose and Tyler, Texas and seen it for myself. And I believed, truly believed that there was so little that could be done in the schools because of everything I saw in the neighborhood. Never did I think to tip that thought on its head and place the blame on the "man in the mirror." Now it is time to think about the possible. It is time to question my role as a teacher and who I serve. I have had 2 recurring thoughts over the past few days. One, that I am really good at teaching beginning readers. Perhaps I would be a stronger cog in the wheel back in primary. At least kids would have the first building block in place. And, second, I could easily see myself in a charter school. I am the teacher that is willing to teach longer and harder to be sure that kids succeed. Is this a fork in the road for me? Only time will tell. All I know is that every decision I make about teaching has now taken on greater importance. There is much to fix in this mess we have made of our school system. But I do believe that if everyone can simply put kids in the forefront, a huge improvement can be made. Yes, that means the removal of tenure and a serious re-evaluation of teacher evaluation. Let's get the bad ones out. Our kids and their future are too important to put in the hands of mediocrity or worse. It is time to stand up for kids.

The Thing About Teaching

The thing about teaching is that you never know when you're going to stumble and fall and in like manner you never know when your heart will skip a beat. Today, it just so happens that I had the pleasure of experiencing both ends of the spectrum.

Here is my favorite "Most Powerful Thing in the World" expository paragraph:

"A mother's love is the most powerful thing in the world. A mother is there for you from day one and will always be there for you even when she's gone. When you are little and trip and fall, she makes it better with her warm loving care. When you are five and it is your first day of school she cries because you are growing up. When you get home, her curiosity runs wild wondering how your day went. These are just a couple reasons why a mother's love is the most powerful thing in the world."

Sweet!

And this one has to come in second place...

"My dad is the most powerful thing in the world. He is really strong and has big hands. He sometimes scares people with his rough looking face. He can cook the most wonderful things in the world - beef stew - and sometimes he even smells like the food he cooks. What's great about my dad is that he can chug gallons and gallons of water. He is also smart because he can answer all of my questions. But he's not only good with strength, he's also good at cheering people up. That's why my dad is the most powerful thing in the world."

And there's this one which will only touch you if you know about the challenges of middle school.

"My family is the most powerful thing in the world. They protect me, help me and they comfort me. They sometimes help me if I am in trouble or I'm in a fight. They will just stop the fight like a referee. But the other thing is that my family won't stop until it's over. I don't really need to do anything wrong but if I do they've got my back. The other thing is that my family won't ever give up on me. My family is the most powerful thing in the world."

And, finally, the A+ paper...

"I believe that the most powerful things in the world would be persistence and strength. I honestly believe that with these two things you can overcome and achieve anything you put your mind to. I think that persistence and strength are important because if you have persistence, you will never quit trying. If you want something or want to reach a goal, you will prevail. With strength, you will be unstoppable and will refuse to listen to anything negative that other people say to you. As long as you know who you are, that's all you need. With these two important materials you will be unstoppable and able to achieve anything, which will lead you to a very successful future. That is why I think persistence and strength are the most powerful things in the world."

The Slump

I felt my first slump today. It's been a pretty crazy year so far but I was feeling so good about taking everything as it came until today. I love my class and was convinced that the third year in middle school was a turning point for me. Today was a department level ELL day and one thing just let to another and before I knew my head was pounding, my jaw was tightening and I was overcome with the need to leave the room. I considered going back into special ed and then mulled about the idea of running a day care and finally settled on retirement. Oh darn! I still have that pesky house payment. I guess I better get ready to ride the wave.