A Grandma's Love

Why is it that the older I get, the more I miss Grandma? I am slowly but surely realizing how important she was to who I have become. This week I have watched my son-in-law go through the loss of his grandmother and I am reliving all the pain of saying good-bye to my own. There is just some kind of special relationship that we had that can never be severed, not even by death. When I look at the sadness in Bill's eyes it is eerily familiar. I am looking in the mirror 10 years ago. When I think about it or send e-mails or sympathy cards to Bill's family, it all comes back to me. The sadness, the feeling of untethered floating in air, the loss, always the loss. Then I look at Callie and know that Grandma is still teaching me. She is reminding me about what's important in life. It's the reason that everything stops when I'm with that beautiful baby. I pray that when I leave this earth, the lessons I leave behind will be in Callie's heart the way that Grandma's are in mine. Grandma is still teaching from that little corner of my heart that she has taken up residence in. It's relationships. It's time, spending time with those we care about and it's love, always the love. The love of my grandmother was like coming home. It was food and warmth and hugs. All my deepest childhood memories have her in them. Even my first trip home from college was a direct route from the airport to Grandma and Grandpa's house. And I can still feel the hugs, the warmth and yes, the food that was waiting for me there. That's what it is. The expectation, the waiting for us to get there. Grandparents wait for the children to arrive. There is preparation involved and in that preparation is the embodiment of love turned into solid matter that you can reach out and touch and hold in your hand. When they are gone we search for someone who waits for us and prepares for our arrival the way they did. But Grandma is telling me that it is my turn to now pay it forward. It is my time to prepare for children to arrive. To cook and hug and bandage boo boos followed with a kiss and every now and then to shake my finger and begin a sentence with "You kids better get down from there!"

Grandma, thanks for hanging in there with me until I finally got it. I love you and miss you, still miss you so very much. I'm so thankful for the memories of you and the lessons you taught me.