The Thing About Primary

Primary kids - I just keep coming back to them. They are where my career began and I can't seem to get them out of my system. Opening the door to early reading is at the core of my heart of hearts. There is just nothing like it. I love the openness of primary kids. They tell you everything. They are proud, so very proud of everything they do. Describing their strategies is just part of the ongoing conversation. They are so happy being who they are and that smile that follows the decoding of a tricky word is golden. You can take it to the bank and rest assured that they will too. Every success moves to the asset side and the debits are simply ignored. I met with my first tutoring student tonight and it all came flooding back. I love primary reading and writing. I left elementary because I became bored with the content. But, in all humbleness, I would make an amazing primary departmentalized reading and writing teacher . I am a natural. I know exactly where to go next with beginning readers. I don't think that I can say that for my middle school readers and writers. The holes are little pin pricks that I am constantly trying to plug before the dike collapses. They work incredibly hard to cover up the blemishes so that no one can see that there is a problem let alone shed any light on what it might be. So for now, I will continue on with the challenges that broaden my horizons in middle school and add on the little ones that renew my love of teaching. It's a bit like an amazing main dish for dinner that is followed up with a melt in your mouth dessert. It's the combination that satisfies you and keeps you coming back for more.

Getting Outside of Myself

One of the things that I know that I need to do to feel better about life is to get a bigger picture. I have lived a pretty darn sweet life. I have always had what I needed and more. I make enough money to live in just the house I always dreamed of. I have children that love me and still have 2 generations beyond my own to continue modeling the wisdom of the universe. My life is sweet. At different times, I have tried volunteering because I have known that I needed to get a bit out of my comfort zone to appreciate all that I have been given. The efforts have been short term and I eventually leave them along the roadside. This weekend I was reminded of that need. I had dinner with Grandpa Bunt and loved every second of being by his side. He is such a wonderful man and I know that he is lonely living on his own for the first time in his 78 years. We enjoyed dinner together, lots of laughs and good conversation. We both left better than we came. Today I went to visit a friend in the hospital who is dealing with all sorts of complications from some crazy rare strand of cancer. She has had a colostomy and lots of lung issues. It reminded me of course of how precious life is but also of how the presence of another being can bring such joy. I was so happy to have had the time this weekend to share with these two fabulous human beings and know that my gift of time is more than I could ever put into words in a greeting card or wrap up in a box. This is a tiny hole in my life, ways to give back in some small way all that I have been given. I will ponder this for a bit. I know that everything I experience is meant as a life lesson and Ray and Carol were placed in the center of my road this weekend for the most important of reasons - to remind me that there is more than work and home and family and pets. There are people out there who need something as simple as just to see me show up.

Laughter Makes All the Difference

One of the brightest stars in my sky is my granddaughter. Sometimes when I look at her I have the thought that everything in my world has changed. She brings me a joy that I don't think that I have ever felt before. It is a whole new world and the sun that rules it is laughter. The simplest things make me laugh. I watch every new thing that she can do and say and am filled with pride and happiness. This past week, watching her frolicking in the bath tub, I was laughing out loud with a sound that came from deep down inside and I felt as young as I had ever been. It is such a gift for me to just be in this place at this time and none of it is lost on me. I am never too busy or stressed to hang out with Callie. It is always time well spent and I am always better and wiser and happier after being with her. Lucky me!

Choosing Happiness

This is a new topic for me. I've never thought much about it before because I have always felt pretty darn happy. I really think that one of the things I love most about working in a middle school is that I am usually smiling and it takes pre-adolescents by surprise. It is a blast to watch how they respond to someone with a silly grin on their face and saying good morning to them. So that is my starting point. I am almost always smiling. It is simply part of who I am. I don't consciously think "I'm going to smile today." It is as much a part of me as my straight brown (graying) hair and brown eyes. It is who I am. I believe that a big part of happiness is genetic. When I am with my family I laugh. We laugh at and with each other. Even difficult conversations end with a laugh. It is the way we say everything is still OK. So this all makes me think about how people find happiness.

Genetics and choice
We are all a product of our DNA but that is simply a starting point in the game of being happy. I choose each moment how to feel. No one makes me feel bad or sad. It is all inside of me. With each feeling I identify it and do what I can to either embrace it or remove it. That is easier said than done and some of those feelings take longer to eradicate than others. But in the long run, I become who I want to be.

Take control of my own life
I refuse to surround myself with negative people and the energy they exude. I am very suseptible to it and notice it immediately. When I am unhappy, I take the time to identify the source and if possible remove it from my life. The exception to that is of course winter weather. But where would my spring joy come from without the winter lows?

Identify things that make me happy and use them
I love baking. I love watching movies. When I do what I love, I can overpower the sadness that finds its way into my life.

Find time to put the daily events in their place
I am a reflector and I make time every day to think through the day's events - what went well, what sucked. The process helps me realize that there is almost always more good than bad in my life.

Sharing time
I love, love the process of creating new memories that add to my reservoir of happiness. That comes from sharing time, food and love with my friends and family. I have regular times set aside for some friends (monthly breakfast, weekend coffee dates, dinner, walking partner) and I always look forward to them. Sometimes they turn into a short bitch session but we always come out of it and and are able to find humor in our own lives. This time spent often becomes the impetus for my own self improvement. It also reminds me that while I may live alone, I am not alone. There are wonderful people in my life who "get" me.

Thinking outside of myself
One of the greatest things I have done lately for happiness is to raise chickens. I had no idea that was going to happen when I started this venture. One reason is that they have made me realize that there are just some things that can't be controlled, they just are. They walk, they fly, they eat, they poop wherever and whenever they want. It has become my challenge to simply accept some things in the world. And I have to say that it is slow but it is coming. I still don't like walking out on the deck and seeing their residue but I'm adjusting. It is also extremely entertaining just to watch them from the window and realize how simple life can be but one of my greatest joys is to open the door and take a step or two and watch what happens. All three of them come running, heads bobbing as if to say, "She's here. She's here." If that doesn't make you happy, I don't know what would.

Maintain a long range view
As a child, my mantra was "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true." It's a quote from Clarice in that funky Rudolf that I still watch every year. I still live my life with one foot in the future, always thinking about what I want to do next. Even though my "next" is semi-retirement, it excites me and it keeps me from obsessing on today.

Think happy
I try to remember that happiness is a choice. It is the lens through which I choose to view my life. Even when things are challenging at work, I look forward to coming home and relighting my fire. I surround myself with beauty and love everything in and around my home. I walk through the door and know that life is good.

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January Theme Song

This could have been my theme song for January. It is how I have felt - I just keep on rising up. One day has followed another and now February is just ahead. A little happy dance is in the making.

The Question

If there was nothing stopping you, what would you choose to do?

This question was posted on Facebook by my daughter and it has resonated with me. I guess in light of all my thinking about the future, it makes sense that something like this would roll around for a bit inside of my head.

It is really hard for me to answer because I have such a hard time looking past money and to be completely honest, fear. A few years ago one of my greatest desire was to parachute out of a plane but not now. I am thinking about much more age appropriate things these days.

If nothing was stopping me...

Travel: Australia, more Europe (Spain, Greece, more of France, Italy again, Switzerland/Austria), see the fall colors in the northeast, tour a few antebellum plantations (don't ask me why), Montana (can't explain that one either)

Ride in a hot air balloon - I've been waiting for that one since my 40th birthday

Fly in a glider or maybe an airship instead

Go white water rafting - on the mild side

Ride my bike more

Get better at sewing

Read more

Go to more movies

Create more opportunities to celebrate our family

Find ways to hang out with my siblings and my sister-in-law

Become a wonderful mixture of my own two grandmas for Callie and any other grandbabies that come my way. I want to bake and garden with them and create all sorts of wonderful memories that can only be described by them as "I just love being at my Grandma's."

A Shaft of Light Shines Through the Darkness

I am finally feeling the beginning of something wonderful. I have come to the decision that I am ready to slowly fade out of my current role as public school teacher. I'm not sure how slow the fade will be but it is at least a baby step. I have signed papers to go on a reduced work program next year. In plain English that means I will teach 4 periods instead of 5. I have come to the realization that I love teaching, I love where I'm teaching, I love who I'm teaching and I even love who I am teaching with but I absolutely detest the system in which all those things are encapsulated. That all makes perfect sense at this moment but it has taken me months to figure it out through my winter duldrums and general malaise. For the first time in my life, I struggled to just get up in the morning and actually put one foot in front of the other. It was nice for me to understand what it might be like to be depressed but it has not been a pleasant journey. I am that obnoxious person who has always hopped out of bed and greeted the day no matter what. So it took me no time at all to say yes to the idea of cutting back my time in the classroom. I'm not quite ready to retire and can not support myself without my public school gig so this appears to be the best of all possible worlds. And I am once again getting myself out of bad without the question running through my head of why I have to get up and how long til I can put my pajamas back on again. My immediate plan is to start tutoring this summer and I am hopeful that it will turn into my next "job." The interesting thing in this process is that this little step has opened up a whole new world. People talk to me about other options and I honestly think about them and ponder their viability. Yes, I could go back to private school; Yes, I could be a home school teacher; Yes, I could start my own tutoring business. I feel myself saying yes to all sorts of things. I have never regretted anything that I've done in life but this is something different. Life feels like a blank slate with a giant question mark on it. What do you choose to do with the next leg of the journey?

Living Life

It isn't often that I stop and think that I am doing something well but last night I did. I was in a conversation with my ex-husband... which is not as bad as it sounds. Over the years, we have found topics that we can discuss and at times actually enjoy one an other's company. He was talking about his recent travel bug and I really pressed him on it to try to understand where this has come from. When I see that man change as much as he has in the past year, I certainly want to know about it. To be completely honest, when he told me he was going to Italy last year, my first thought was that he had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live. During our marriage, he never wanted to go anywhere. Other things always came ahead of travel of any sort. So as we delved into this topic last night it all boiled down to "I'm getting older" which I guess is interpreted as I'm not going to be able to do this sometime soon. My mind went back to Elizabeth Edwards 's words before her death, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered." I don't know what my number is but I have lived them without regret. I have seen and done everything that I wanted to do. I am saving nothing for that point in time when I NEED to do it because I'm getting older. Yes, I have debt but no regret. I love living life in its moment and not pondering when I will do what I wanted to do today. Today and the opportunities it presents are only here in this moment. I can't put them in a box and save them under the bed waiting for the right time to bring them out and live them. Today is one of my numbered days. I want to live it well.

Life is a Come As You Are Party

It is official. I am in a funk. I have been here before but this one has a different feel to it. The unfortunate part is that I know the difference is age. And I think that might mean that there is no going back. During the fall, I noticed something funny about my attitude. It seemed that everyone I talked to was having a hard time getting into the school year. In my head, I started blaming my teacher friends for bringing me down and I started fighting hard to stay positive. I got through all the markers - Labor Day, Veterans Day, 1st quarter report cards, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas arrived. Because of our change in schedule that was the half point. I was never so happy to have 2 weeks off. I loved every single minute of that break until the end. Then I started obsessing about having to go back to work. That's not me. So that's when all the real thinking began. I love my school, I love the kids I'm teaching and I love the curriculum. So what is it? Teaching is exhausting. But that's not new. Everything I read in the paper, see in the news and even in movies is negative about the education system. And so am I. How do I continue to keep my passion for teaching alive when I detest the system that holds it? I am now a nurse, nutritionalist, counselor and practically a second mom. I didn't sign up for that and that is what is knicking away at my fire. I spend so much teaching time not teaching 6th grade reading and writing. We don't start on standards until we know that everyone is ready to listen. That means we have food in our bellies, the chatting has stopped and we have dealt with whatever crisis has occurred - name calling, ugly looks, locker travesties, you name it. I know it's important and that I can't teach the curriculum until everyone is fed and safe but it is still wearing on me. In addition to all of this, I am not being fed in professional development anymore because of budget cuts so any growth in my career is left up to me. I'm just not that teacher that can do the same thing year after year. I have to grow and change. I am still reading professionally but I don't seem to have the energy to apply much of it. I know that I am a good teacher but I am losing my desire for the long haul. I can't see much past June 3 and perhaps the beginning of next year.

I am trying hard just to stay in the moment and feel what it really is. No, I'm not ready to throw in the towel or retire yet . I still like too much of what I'm doing. Maybe it simply requires me admitting that I'm getting older and I don't approach anything with the same energy anymore. It all feels a bit like a come as you are party. I don't think anyone does them anymore but it is a part of my childhood memory. A friend would plan a party but the invitees wouldn't know about it. You would be kidnapped and taken to the party in whatever you happened to be wearing and what ever condition you were in. That is kind of like what it feels like when I wake up in the mornings now. I take it as it is. If the energy is there, I rush off to work and do what I have always done. If it's not I take stock and do what can be done and I allow myself the time and space I need. The good thing is that I am still an early riser so if the energy isn't there I just tell myself it's OK and I'll just be a few minutes later today. The world doesn't end, the kids get taught and I get through another day.

I have been pretty fascinated by talking to people about this. I have been shocked by all the people that don't LIKE going to work. They are fine when the kids show up but they don't wake up raring to go. So part of me is just grateful for having had 20 years of being excited about my job.

So as I prepare for another day of teaching, I promise myself to continue putting one foot in front of the other until I feel better about it all or June 3 shows up on the calendar. I also know that I need to find some peers that will feed my professional development beast. And the final plan is to do some tutoring this summer so I can get in some real teaching. Maybe this three prong approach will work together to light my fire again. Or maybe, just maybe I need the winter fog to lift and the spring sun to clear away the duldrums. I hope it really is as simple as more daylight, warmer temperatures and blooming flowers.

A Baby's Smile

There is nothing quite like a baby's smile. The whole world is entranced by babies. If you don't believe it, go find one and look at what people do when they are in the presence of a baby. Jut watch for a moment. Everyone, everyone smiles Construction workers; old, old grandmas; little kids; everyone smiles when they see a baby. Think about that for a minute. What else in the world makes everyone smile? Nothing I know. I've never seen anything quite like it. But if you want to flip your heart upside down, take a good look at YOUR baby's smile.. This is a picture of my baby with her baby. But it's my baby's smile that is constantly on my mind these days. Maria has always, ALWAYS been happy. When she was in second grade she actually got a student of the month award for smiling. At the time I was extremely irritated about it because I knew there was so much more to this very happy child than what you saw first. But as the years have gone by, I have come to understand the power of that smile. But,I wish Mrs. DiAngelo could see that smile now. I've never seen happiness come to life the way I have seen my own daughter smile while holding her baby. There is nothing like it. And I have seen it over and over and over again. It doesn't come through in the photographs but when you get to see mama and baby together as much as this grandma does you see it and breathe it in and then it is gone in a flash before you can even say "Oh Baby."' And your little heart melts into this oatmeal-like mush and you just give thanks to the universe or whoever or whatever might be in charge and just say "thank you, thank you that I got to be in the presence of this happiness brought to life."

A New Year, Another New Beginning

As a child I was completely mystified by my grandparents annual comments regarding how fast the year goes by and that everyone one of them seems to go faster. How could 365 days go quickly and how could the speed alter dependent upon your age? Then in my college years, my parents started saying the same thing. So I knew there must be something to this. Now of course, I am in that place in life where I don't speak it aloud, but I do feel the increased speeding of time. We go through our lives one day at a time and before you know it a week has gone by and then a month. Zoom. Another year has come to an end and we ponder what has gone on in that time. What are the life lessons? What are the highs and lows? I guess in teaching we are more congnizant of passing time than other professions. My first thought of a school day is what am I doing today, meaning what am I teaching first period, second period, what meetings do I have today, what I am doing after school. Everything I do is based on time. I teach units of study that have a completion date just so that I can move to the next one. We grade and evaluate progress quarterly, gearing everything toward the proverbial test and then our attention shifts to the end of the year, the last day of school and being assured that these students are ready for the next year so we can start it all over again. My entire work life is dependent upon time. I am forced to notice it but yet I have the same feeling that my grandparents and parents did of it slipping through my fingers.

In looking back over my blogs of 2010, I can clearly see that my life is full of the wonderful. I go on and on about amazing events in my life, my quandaries and yes, even my failures. It can be something as simple as planting a seed in the garden or collecting an egg laid by one of my hens. And sadly enough it can also be as gargantuan as students who don't have breakfast or know that they are loved. My entire life is about questions and discovering answers, questions that most people don't consider or have already answered for themselves and moved on. I am stunned that at my age, I am still creating who I am and who I want to be. It is apparent that I will never be defined or put in a box that says this is who Tere is or was. I am terribly envious of those who find their place and burrow down to root and grow and are able to thrive in that little hole in the ground. But I am on a journey. It has no destination. It is simply a journey of figuring things out for myself. Time continues to pass and that passing of time also changes who I am. Every year that goes by increases my understanding of the students and curriculum I teach. I enter a the classroom a different person based on those experiences. Every passing year helps me understand who I am and am becoming as a friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, mother, and now grandmother. I am deeply aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing people joining me on this journey of discovery.

Time is my friend and is also a constant companion on this journey. It is the one required ingredient that allows me to have all these wonderful experiences. I am learning to embrace the minutes and hours in a day and become cognizant of the speed at which they travel. The older I get, the harder they are to hold on to. And so today, an entire year lies ahead of me; an unopened gift which in the moments ahead I will ever so slowly begin to peel back the paper and see what's inside. A new year, a new beginning to this fascinating journey that lies ahead.

Decade #9

Today is my dad's 80th birthday. He has now been on this earth for 8 full decades. That is inconceivable to me. Even though I am fully aware that my grandfather has nearly completed his 103rd year, an 80 year old father has no place in my brain. I clearly remember driving up to my grandfathers house many years old as he was coming down the ladder from his roof. After I explained to my son that he was in the process of reroofing his house, Dave asked how old he was and I responded "80" as if the words I had just spoken were actually 45 or 50. It was not unusual for my grandfather to do things like that. So my father is now the age my grandfather was so many summers ago. And no, it would not be a surprise to drive up my father's driveway and find him reroofing his house either. It is what those Allen men do. They live a long time and they do by themselves whatever needs to be done. I am definitely an Allen in every sense of the word - single-minded (stubborn) and independent (I'll do it myself!). However, I am often frightened of the Allen longevity trait. I am not employed in a job that has allowed for much saving for the future. And my single-minded, independent streak was not an asset in my divorce. I just wanted out and believed that I would somehow make ends meet because I was an Allen and that's what we do. Good for my self esteem but not for any long term financial goals. So here I am, thinking that I am nearing the end of my career but today am reminded that I have a 102 year old grandfather and now an 80 year old father. It is almost a given that I will live another 25 years. These breaks from school used to make me think about what else I could be doing but now I just think about retirement. Maybe I need a transition plan. Instead of when shall I retire, the new question of the day becomes what shall I do when I leave teaching? In the meantime, I will simply celebrate the Allen men and give thanks that I still have them both in my life, leading me through the obstacles and celebrating all the joys of this earthly life. I am a lucky girl.

A Grandma's Love

Why is it that the older I get, the more I miss Grandma? I am slowly but surely realizing how important she was to who I have become. This week I have watched my son-in-law go through the loss of his grandmother and I am reliving all the pain of saying good-bye to my own. There is just some kind of special relationship that we had that can never be severed, not even by death. When I look at the sadness in Bill's eyes it is eerily familiar. I am looking in the mirror 10 years ago. When I think about it or send e-mails or sympathy cards to Bill's family, it all comes back to me. The sadness, the feeling of untethered floating in air, the loss, always the loss. Then I look at Callie and know that Grandma is still teaching me. She is reminding me about what's important in life. It's the reason that everything stops when I'm with that beautiful baby. I pray that when I leave this earth, the lessons I leave behind will be in Callie's heart the way that Grandma's are in mine. Grandma is still teaching from that little corner of my heart that she has taken up residence in. It's relationships. It's time, spending time with those we care about and it's love, always the love. The love of my grandmother was like coming home. It was food and warmth and hugs. All my deepest childhood memories have her in them. Even my first trip home from college was a direct route from the airport to Grandma and Grandpa's house. And I can still feel the hugs, the warmth and yes, the food that was waiting for me there. That's what it is. The expectation, the waiting for us to get there. Grandparents wait for the children to arrive. There is preparation involved and in that preparation is the embodiment of love turned into solid matter that you can reach out and touch and hold in your hand. When they are gone we search for someone who waits for us and prepares for our arrival the way they did. But Grandma is telling me that it is my turn to now pay it forward. It is my time to prepare for children to arrive. To cook and hug and bandage boo boos followed with a kiss and every now and then to shake my finger and begin a sentence with "You kids better get down from there!"

Grandma, thanks for hanging in there with me until I finally got it. I love you and miss you, still miss you so very much. I'm so thankful for the memories of you and the lessons you taught me.

Egg!

The chickens came to live here 6 months ago - almost to the day. I have loved watching them grow from cute little baby chicks into those awkward things that look like they are constantly falling over each other into beautiful hens. And this morning I discovered my first egg. My first reaction was exactly what I expected it would be. Oh my god, one of the hens laid an egg. I carried it gently inside and then a myriad of thoughts ran through my mind. Ummm... this came out of the hen's butt. Am I really going to eat it? But the fact is that I couldn't wait to crack it open and see the difference between what I grew and what I buy. There is a real shell. Hooray! And yes it did look a little more yellow than what I'm used to. But no orange or redness. Another hooray. Now what to do? Put it in the pumpkin bread or a scrambled egg? I decided that because it was the first I wanted to know everything about it unadulterated by milk or hidden away inside a loaf of bread. I mixed it up and was stunned at the yellowness that abounded. The thing was almost all yolk. I carefully cooked it like the tiniest of omelettes and I have to say it was delicious. It definitely had a flavor to it. I wanted to call it gamey but not really so I guess I'll call it farmy. I'm just so happy and proud of what I have accomplished even though I really had little to do with it. When I returned to feed the girls another thought occurred to me. How strange it is that a mother would lay an egg and just walk away from it. I literally found it in the dirt outside the coop which means it must have been laid yesterday when they were roaming about. The laws of nature astound me. How many eggs does a young hen lay before she thinks about sitting on the thing to hatch it? It's all so interesting and so much fun getting closer to the earth.

Time. All We Have is Time

I am on break again and could easily go through the list in my head of all the things I love about this job of mine that gives me time, big chunks of time to breathe and rest and refresh. I could delineate everything I like about the hiatus from the stress and daily challenges of school. But everything on that list would come down to the same thing. Time. I lose all track of it in the work world. Time is simply the goal for getting things done. Ringing bells for changing periods, paperwork that has to be filed by some arbitrary date, meetings that start and end on time, grades that end the quarter, the semester, the year. But when I am on break, time is simply a form of measurement. Today is whatever day. Whatever gets done or doesn't get done has no connection to time. There is always another minute, hour, day to do it. And if it isn't important, it doesn't get done. Life goes on without interruption. In the working of the day, I just look up and say, "Oh it's 3:00 or 7:00" or whatever and continue to function based on where I am in time not what I thought was going to be done by this time. I love the freedom of it and it is the number one reason I think I will someday be a very successful retiree.

At this time of year, time takes on even more meaning. We have images and dreams in our heads of Christmas, of what it has been in the past and what we want it to be this time around. The beauty of it is all we need to do is stop and appreciate the moment we are in. It is all there; love of family and friends, honoring of family traditions, the making of new memories. It doesn't involve gift giving or big elaborate dinners or any of what we waste our energy on. It is simply taking the time to spend with one another. The time we have on this earth is finite. No one knows what that number is so at Christmas and all year though, I continue to try and remember that everything is about time. Not due dates or calendars but this moment, only this moment. It's all we have.

Throwing Down the Gauntlet

The past few weeks have seen an upswing in stress at school. Teachers, administrators and kids alike. One of the uglier ways it comes out in kids is harassment - a big word that means one kid makes another kid feel bad. It is one of the harder things to get 6th graders to understand about middle school. There is no more calling Mommy to tell you to behave. You are now responsible and you are responsible for what you do, say and even for the looks you give. If it makes someone else feel uncomfortable you are harassing them whether you meant it or not. It is a rude awakening into the real world for some. Lately we have had some more serious bullying going on - name calling to the extent of racial slurs. This is the line in the sand for all of us. Our students have difficulty understanding the emotional response from their teachers because they hear these words all the time and they mean nothing to them. They are on TV, in the movies, in their music, even in video games. So not only are we challenged to teach the hazardous effects of bullying but it also becomes a lesson in vocabulary and the history of these words. Today's reality is that kids are committing suicide over harassment. It's a new world out there with e-mail, texting, facebook all under the auspices of cyberbullying. There is no margin for error when we are talking about kids' lives.

Recently, a harassed student at our school told an administrator that he didn't think the racial slurs could be stopped. That was a challenge we are all ready and willing to take on. The vice principal and counselor made the rounds to the classrooms last week and now everyone is talking about it. I heard a student on the quad say, "Stop being a bully and give me back my soccer ball." There is an incredible sense of empowerment in that simple statement. We have named it for them and now they can deal with it head on.

Yesterday my kids wrote about it. Here are a few of my favorites:

Bullies have become a really big threat to students. Everyone has been bullied at least once. Bullies hurt people physically and emotionally and that affects a student’s academics. Teasing hurts kids. It makes them think of what’s going to happen instead of what is happening. What about school? They don’t think about school. Bullying might make you feel very powerful. You are really not getting any power by hurting someone. All you’re doing is causing fear in your environment. Do you feel powerful now?

Bullying changes others. Bullies hurt other people’s feelings. When people become depressed from bullying, their emotions change and they don’t act normally. Bullying discourages people and other people will think of themselves as people who are the outsiders. Often people don’t do well in school when they are bullied. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Bullies think bullying is right but they just want power. They think that if they bully, they will get the power they want. People who try to get power from bullying don’t think about the other people who aren’t bullies. Power comes from positive things you do well. Making other people powerless doesn’t make the bullies more powerful.

Bullies, bullies, bullies. One thing I don’t get about life is bullies. All they do is make people feel bad about life and themselves. I say this because they put people down who they don’t even know. Some people who have been bullied have killed themselves. Why would someone want to be responsible for someone’s life? Maybe one reason they do it is to get power or feel better about themselves. I believe that power cannot come from others. It can only come from yourself and your achievements. Bullying is the worst thing that can happen to anyone in life and it could kill someone in the end.

Bullying is wrong because it hurts people’s feelings by insulting them. Insults hurt people a lot. When bullies insult people, it scares them and people think they are powerless. The only reason why the bullies bully people is because they want themselves to look cool. But it doesn’t make you look cool; it makes you look like a jerk. Bullies hurt innocent people’s feelings and that’s very rude. These people did not do anything to the bullies and they are forced to live in fear.

Many times people get bullied at schools for no apparent reason. Well, bullying is wrong. The bullied get abused emotionally and physically. Even if there is a reason behind it, it is just wrong. The bullies don’t think of how the bullied feel. They only think of power and everything in the present. They don’t think about the consequences. They should think ahead 20 minutes and better yet, 20 years and how their life could change horribly for bullying.

Bullying can cause a negative effect on people mentally and physically. People can feel powerless, weak, or worthless. Bullies can affect someone’s emotions very strongly which will give them nightmares that they’ll never forget. Bullying allows everyone to stay in fear and never express themselves because they hate the thought of being bullied or laughed at. Kids might not want to go to school because of the thought of being bullied. Bullying can affect someone’s focus in school because of the hated thoughts constantly lingering in their head. Bullying is wrong and puts people down. Most bullies think bullying is right but all they really search for is power. They think that if they bully they’ll be powerful. Bullies never give a second thought about the victims being bullied. The truth is that power must come from success that you earn throughout life. You can’t gain power so easily. You earn power with the good traits that will guide you in the future.

Bullying is wrong because it puts people down. First of all, bullying creates negative effects both mentally and physically. Many kids think they don’t look good enough or that their clothes are out of style and ugly. Bullying makes kids feel insecure. Harsh comments and name calling that bullies say to kids make them feel unworthy and not good enough. Most bullies are just searching for power. They try to gain power by taking power away from others, making them powerless. But the truth is that power doesn’t come from making others powerless. You must gain power doing good things like getting good grades and being talented. Everyone has something they’re good at to gain power, not by bullying.

Bullying. Put-downs. Insults. It will never stop, will it? Bullies do all these things for cheap laughs and thrills. It’s like everybody forgot the golden rule, “Do unto others as you want them to do to you.” So overall, if all the bullying that the bully did to someone returned to them, a load of depression mixed with anger and sadness would hit them. Scientists have figured out why bullies bully. They do it for power because they feel powerless themselves. But power can’t come from bullying; it will just bring you down in your social life. True power comes from what you like doing, like soccer or art, even just talking to your friends. I’m not telling you to change yourself, just think about how you would feel if you got bullied.

Bullying is wrong because it changes the way people feel about themselves. As bullies are constantly reminding the victim about their mistakes, and other people agree, they feel that they are incorrect the whole time and that whatever the bully says is correct. They can be taken advantage of more often because of these negative feelings. Bullies think differently. They think that bullies have nothing to do with other people’s feelings and that each person is in charge of controlling their own feelings. Sadly, they are mistaken. Bullying can change one’s emotions. One minute they feel totally confident with themselves, the next depressed and shy. This can make them grouchy with their peers and/or lose focus in class discussions and assignments. If bullying were to stop, I think it would make a huge difference in everyone’s lives.

Look Behind You

While out on yard duty this morning, I saw a fascinating thing. We all know that middle school students pride themselves on hiding from the world. They are uncomfortable with almost everything about their self image. Today I saw a boy get out of his mom's car standing up straight and tall. but as she drove away he put his hood over his head, slumped over and nearly crawled toward the gate to school. I thought "Mom! Quick! Look in your rear view mirror and look at who your child is for 6 hours a day. " We don't really know who are kids are we are not around. But this was so dramatic. I practically screamed my Good Morning at him but of course he did not look up. Yes. This is what I do. Scream nicities at kids who are hiding from themselves and the rest of their world. I know that particles of my good mornings and how are yous somehow find their way to their target because a few days later I am often gifted with the little half smiles that are just enough to encourage me to keep at it and do it again day after day.

Becoming Home

I am becoming the home that I used to miss. It occurred to me today on my way home from my Callie Time that Thanksgiving had passed without tears and the preparations for Christmas do not have that gray spot in them. There isn't the sadness that comes from me missing home this time of year. Home was never a house, it was people. It was Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad and all the trimmings - aunts, uncles cousins, neighbors stopping by. All that Iowa stuff that I never figured out how to recreate in California. And I never got over it. Even in the hustle and bustle of raising babies and getting educated and finding jobs I never got over missing the memory of home. It was one of the few things I could never figure out - why didn't it get easier as the years went by. I've been in California 34 years and the hole was always there. I don't ever remember a Thanksgiving passing without feeling teary and lamenting the smell of Grandma's kitchen, the steamy windows and the love, all that love that surrounded me. This year I was just surrounded by the spirit of Grandma without the sadness. And today I got it. I am now the grandma creating those smells and tastes for this new generation. I have moved down a branch on the family tree. It's funny how I keep getting these new awakenings and every one of them takes me by surprise and leaves me with a smile. Life just keeps getting better and better.

Callie's Overnight

Callie and I have had our first overnight experience and it was everything and more that I expected. My sister often says that being a grandma is heaven and I guess that explains it as well as any other word I could come up with. I know it's nothing like anything else I've ever experienced. If love was matter that you could reach out and touch, it would look and smell and taste just like Callie.

Friday night was wonderful. We sang and played and walked and talked. I knew the sleeping part would be a challenge and it was but we both survived it. Once I remembered that Grandma's house was ordained as a place to be spoiled, I could let go of the rules of sleep. Then when morning came, the most amazing thing happened. She rolled over, looked up at me and smiled and laughed. Not only my heart, but my entire being melted in that baby giggle. We got up and started the day together - getting dressed, eating breakfast, feeding the dog and hanging out with the hens. Yes, my sister is right. Being a grandmother is heaven.

In the words of Julie Andrews, "These are a few of my favorite things."
The way she nuzzles into that space between by chin and chest, moves her head back and forth and settles into me
The way she holds my thumb that's holding the bottle as she eats her breakfast
The way she looks into my eyes and lets me know that she is trusting me with everything
That smile that is followed by that laugh. I swear if we could patent that, there would never be another war.
The way she caresses the skin on my neck between her thumb and fingers
The babbling that is so earnest and sweet
Yes, these are my favorite things. From this day forth, when I'm feeling sad, I will simply remember Callie and our first night together.