Fluctuating Standards

The Reading Intervention class has had an interesting effect on my usually solid standards of behavioral expectations. If principals from my past could observe me in the READ 180 classroom, they would need additional proof that the woman in front of the classroom is actually me. I am now in the business of making all kinds of deals to get kids to do what they need to do. I have become more flexible than I ever imagined possible. And, yes, it is beginning to produce effects. I suppose the primary one is that these kids are finally starting to believe that I care, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I will do anything for student success. The curriculum has become more predictable for them so they now know what is coming as we work our way through each unit. I still have a couple student challenges to overcome and I cannot predict the way it will all fall out when it's over. They will either be gone and replaced with other Far Below Basic students with a better attitude about life or we will continue this dance of making deals, enduring consequences, and making more deals. It is exhausting and stressful just thinking about what those two boys have in store for me on a day to day basis. I can let it go after second period but I seem to relive it every night before falling asleep. Sometimes I try it with a different ending just to get myself reading for the next day. The next morning I am able to put it on the back burner until I am heading out the door for the Read 180 classroom. Then the stress finds a home in my shoulders and I try to prepare for what lies ahead. If only I could figure out what that was before it hit me smack between the eyes. This week my most challenging student said to me, "I'll just do the rotation. I don't want to cause problems for you." WHAT? I was absolutely stunned. And then the other shoe dropped. He suggested that he might like to go to SSR to work on the class Red Ribbon Week poster. So we made our deal. He did his small group and computer work and I sent him off with a smile. We were both very happy with the results of the deal. But when asked what his plans were for the next day, he was very non-committal. So this was not the win that I thought it was. We'll just see what tomorrow brings.

The Reason People Leave Teaching

This morning I came in early to work to get a jump on next week. Instead I was confronted with a letter written by a parent to the vice principal. This letter was a scathing attack on me with a claim that I had been physical with her son on two occasions, that I was biased and had humiliated him in front of his peers. I was absolutely stunned. I have gone from shock to hurt to anger. The letter has settled in my stomach feeling like a solid punch that could take me out at any moment. It was in the middle stage of hurt that I had the great ah ha. Yes, this is why people leave the teaching profession. We pour our heart and soul into everything we do from planning to delivery to assessment and the public has nothing but criticism and wild accusations.

My next thought was that this was something that could easily go to the next level. Before you knew it, I could be left without a credential or job. I am blessed to be working for an amazing administration who know me well and understand the craziness of pre-adolescents and their parents. Nonetheless, I am left stunned by it all.

Attitude is Everything

Yesterday was the day I had been waiting for all year. It was the day determined by the district that the reading intervention program would give the first retest to determine progress made. I couldn't wait to see the look of happiness and pride when these students realized that with time and effort you could actually quantify learning. The first few students looked good. There was an increase 30-50 lexile points. Nice. I was hoping for more but this was a step in the right direction. Then things took a turn for the worse. The next few scores came out LOWER. And then it kept happening over and over again. By the end of the period 10 students improved and 10 went the other way. Thank God that 4 of them were absent. This is why I walked away from special education. I can't handle not believing that what I do makes a difference. But numbers don't lie, do they? So the end of class was an opportunity for them to think about the reason for their scores. My downward readers all said things about not really trying, guessing, not reading the whole passage, and not caring. How do I as a teacher MAKE students care about their own education and future? Maybe there is some illiterate teenager out there that could come give them a wake up call. It is clear that what I am saying and doing is having little effect. I am grateful to have the weekend to recover. Monday, there will be 10 students retaking the test with a hopefully improved attitude.

Acting Like I Care

I have been struggling the past couple weeks to keep my stamina up to last through the day. My reading intervention class still challenges me in the management department. They are just totally exhausting every minute of the 75 that I have them. I have begun to notice that by the time I get the second half of our team 5th and 6th periods, that there just isn't much of me left to give. I am trying out a little Love and Logic and it does seem to be helping but today I had to just give it up and take to the stage. As I walked to the door to greet them I knew I was going to have to dig down deep so I just pretended to be an actress who had nothing but energy and enthusiasm. I don't know where the energy reserve comes from in teachers when there isn't any left but sure enough, there it was. This was second draft day for our memoir unit. So I stood in front of the class and in my most exciting voice announced that this was the day they had been waiting for. And by golly, they believed it was. I love watching the reflection of my smile and energy coming back to me on their faces. But the truth is that I really am tired. It must be time for my annual blood test to check that darn thyroid. But for now I will just put away the character descriptions that need to be graded and go to bed. Hooray for Friday!

Old Fashioned Phones

Today was my turn to hold Homework Club in my room after school. One of the students had become confused about the location and wanted to call his dad to tell him where to pick him up. I suggested dismissing him a minute early so he could walk over to his classroom and meet his dad there but he wanted none of that. No, he couldn't waste a minute of homework club! So he whipped out his cell phone to call him. One look from me told him that it was too early for cell phone use. I pointed to the classroom phone on the wall and he said, "Oh no, Ms. Allen, my dad doesn't answer those kinds of phones." I started to explain that the age of the phone used to dial had nothing to do with the number dialed but just laughed instead. Yes, I still love 6th graders!

People We Put on the Shelf

This is a phrase I have used for many years inside my head. It has come to mean the family members or friends that we basically put on hold. It happens for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a family member continues to say the same thing over and over agian and only sees one facet of our being. Or maybe a friend can only see us serving a single purpose. You are my mom. You tell stories about my past and give advice about how to take the next step in life. You are my friend.I tell you about my problems and you listen. I don't listen to your problems; you listen to mine. When we put our friends and family members on a shelf a dangerous thing happens. We define who they are and their role in life and they remain in that position "forever." They are stuck in time. I have done it to friends and family and it has been done to me. Sometimes it happens as a result of the business of our lives and we just get in the habit of life without them. Sometimes it is purposeful because it is just too difficult to continue the relationship in the state it is in. It seems to have happened a lot in my family and I still have no idea of how to fix it. That's because people can't be fixed. We are who we are, a constant work in process. Every day changes who I am and who I am becoming. I meet new people and they change my perspective on my life and my history. I am a reflector so the meaning I put on an event is in a constant state of flux. Part of that is the recognition that time dulls pain and I cannot evaluate all sides of a relationship when there is pain at its core. So as I get distance from a difficult conversation with a friend or family member I can put it where it belongs. I am on a shelf. It doesn't mean that I'm not loved. It is simply the only way that that relationship can continue without ending. The question is how does one know if it would actually be better for everyone involved to stop. Stop playing at a relationship. Stop pretending. Stop hurting. I don't know. I just take each day as it comes and accept the gifts that are given and hope that at the end of the journey it will all be made clear.

Peopl We Put on the Shelf

People We Put on the Shelf
This is a phrase I have used for many years inside my head. It has come to mean the family members or friends that have put me on hold. It happens for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a family member continues to say the same thing over and over again and only sees us as one thing. Or maybe a friend can only see us as one version of who we are. You are my mom. You only give advice about how to take the next step in life. You are my friend.I tell you about my problems and you listen. I don't listen to your problems; you listen to mine. When we put our friends and family members on a shelf two things happen.. We define who they are and their purpose in life and they remain in that position "forever." I have done it to friends and family and it has been done to me. I am always aware of its power and pain. And when I am on the receiving end it always leads to reflection on why this is happening and am I willing to accept it. It is up to me to change the relationship so that I am not defined by our past interchanges. I need to shout from the rooftops "The me you see is not the me I am." Adjust, adapt or just leave me alone.

Observations of a Sunday Walk Through San Jose

I love to walk. It slows me down and puts everything in perspective. But today I took part in my first half marathon walk. That's quite some walk - 13.1 miles. I'm really not sure that I will ever do it again but I am really glad that I was finally healthy enough to do it once. It's been a goal of mine for a couple years and sometimes it's good just to meet a goal and say "I did that." I'm really not competitive. I could care less what other people are doing but I do challenge myself to constantly do things better and faster. My #1 goal was to finish the "race." My #2 goal was to maintain a 15 minute mile rate. That would mean I should finish in 3 hours and 15 minutes. So when I registered I put myself in the 3:30 category - just in case. My finishing time was 3:13 so I am very pleased with myself. But along the way I saw all kinds of things and did some interesting thinking. Here is a smattering of the inner workings of my brain:

I am confused by how people rate themselves for events like this. At different times of the day I was walking alongside of people in corrals 12 (mine), 13, 10, 8, 6 and even a 5.

It is good to have medical care along the route but I was disturbed when I actually saw people using it - laying on gurneys or inside of ambulances. The ambulance drivers were careful not to turn on their sirens until they had passed the runners.

I am a new fan of Gu. I tried it for the first time just before I reached the 10 mile mark. What a boost at just the right time. Maybe I should keep a supply at school to get me through the day.

I think my race is really the 15K. A 5K is too short: I still have something left after a 10K but by the time I reached the 15K marker I could have been ready to stop. Unfortunately a half marathon is more than a 20K. So I can safely say I gave it my all today.

I was deeply amused to see people texting while jogging. I would never be able to multi task in that way.

I loved seeing all the different ways that people cheered us on: cow bells, drums, inflated bats, cheering (complete with pom poms) and what they were drinking. As we walked east they were drinking coffee but as we neared the rose garden area the beverages changed to mimosas. One person was even selling them for $1. I can't say that I wasn't tempted:)

I was fascinated by the route. We started downtown, wound our way down Jackson St and into Japan town, through the rose garden and into the Kaiser track and back into the Rose Garden and downtown again. The houses and people living in each area were very differnt. We are a diverse population. I was amused at how most people dressed in their work out gear to watch others work out.

We also walked by lots of dogs who looked desperate to walk with any one of us. But all they were allowed to do was watch. Poor doggies.

I am definitely glad I did it. 3 hours is a long time to walk. Thank goodness for bands and iPods and other diversions.

News Headlines

I had a huge AH HA! moment this morning. On the front page of the Mercury News was a story about the effects of divorce on a young family. Now, it is rare that I can pass up a good divorce story, just because. I read the headline and then slipped over to the photo captions and immediately recognized the last name as that of a Sutter family. As it was an extremely rare name it definitely caught my attention. I read on and realized that, yes, indeed it was our Sutter family. So there was this child and her parents along with her younger sister splashed all over the front page of the newspaper. Hmmm... what is it like for a 10 year old to read the dirty laundry of her parents' courtship, difficulty conceiving, couples theapy, affair or not an affair depending on who you talk to and ending with the details and $,$$$ spent on lawyers, child support and alimony. It bares to question, what were these parents thinking when they agreed to do a piece for the newspaper? Did they know that pictures of the mom and her two kids were be in living color on the FRONT page? Did Dad know that the claim he made about being nothing but a baby machine would be in print for his babies to read and reread for all of eternity? What were they thinking?

This of course led me to synthesize this article to all other human interest articles I am drawn to. I just love "train wrecks" and in all honesty read more of those articles than the news in Iraq, Iran, Samoa or North Korea combined. These articles are all about real people who live in real homes and are trying to do the best they can for their families. They all go to school somewhere and have friends whose parents read that paper and say, "Isn't that your friend so-and-so who's in your class?" Yeah. What is that like for a 6 and 10 year old child who are just trying to learn to read and add or subtract or write a decent essay?

I am sorry. I am sorry for my curiosity. I am sorry for the desperation that leads people to use the newspaper as a friend that will listen to their side of the story. I am sorry for these broken families and their children that must somehow now find their way in the world.

Friday Update

Computer: Today I walked back in my room after Read 180 and discovered that my computer was on. Yahoo! It's back! My new computer is back! I went to check my school mail account to see everything I had missed so far in the day but something was very wrong. The latest mail available was dated August 31st. As I investigated further I discovered that was not my new computer; it was my old computer. Luckily my "savior" helped me solve the mail problem and I slowly adjusted to being grateful for my old friend being back once again.

Student Guidelines for words Ms. Allen doesn't like to read: Please add to the list suck, sucks and sucked. When asked if they knew sucks is a "bad" word they were all stunned beyond comment. I can't wait to have breakfast with my friend, the 5th grade teacher this weekend and ask what in the world is going on in elementary school writing workshop!

An Announcement I Never Thought That I'd Make

The world may need a little background information on this one. We have been working on envisioning in reading and sensory images in writing. A few of my young authors have gotten a little carried away in trying to make their olfactory images come to life for their "reader."

Teacher announcement made today:
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm not sure if you understand this or not but the audience you write for in this classroom is ME. I am a 55 year old woman who lives a very simple life in a nice little house with her dog. Even though I love teaching 6th graders, I am not one of your friends and I am not amused by 6th grade humor. I don't like reading about barf and poo. Up until this moment I have been writing comments on your papers about these words being inappropriate and you have been asked to redo the assignment. Let me just say here and now from this point forward, I do not expect to see anyone use either of those words or topics ever again. Are there any questions? Good.

Erase That Happy Thought From Yesterday

I would like to rescind all my happiness about my new computer. I came into work this morning eager to get started with my day AND my new computer. I turned it on and it went totally berserk. It just started loading documents and Internet Explorer until it knocked itself out. I'm talking hundreds of them. There were all kinds of flashing lights. It tried to find and resolve its problem with no luck at all. By 7:15 I was utterly despondent. I don't think I have ever been that sad about a material object in my life. It is a lesson learned about the transientness of happiness and the yin and yang of our existence.

The Little Things in Life

I knew it was coming but I was still so excited to be the recipient of a new teacher computer today. We somehow kept the old one functioning over the past few weeks. And I am lucky enough to have people who care about me and my life at school that I ended up on the short list of new computer recipients. There is just a feeling of respect that comes along with new "toys." So thank you to everyone out there who made it happen. I am a happy Bobcat!

Passing Back Papers

Most of the time I don't really like passing back corrected papers. But it occurred to me this morning that there are a couple reasons I take on that responsibility in the beginning of the year. The #1 reason is that the kids don't know everybody yet and it takes them forever as they wander aimlessly around the room looking for the kid that matches the name on the paper. But I was reminded of the other reason this morning. For some reason 6th graders come to middle school with a very unrealistic view of their writing skills. They all think they are horrible writers and are shocked to see papers with As or Bs on them. Now part of that is because it is the first time they have gotten letter grades. As important as teaching the standards are, the elementary standards based report card just doesn't connect with kids. Getting a 4 cannot compare to the status of an A. Last year my kids HATED writing and I spent the first couple months of school showing them it can be fun. This group definitely came in with a better attitude and now that letter grades are flying around the room are loving it even more. My favorite part as I crusie by, dropping off a table load of papers is the sucking in of air that seems almost instinctual followed by the long sigh and the comment, "I got an A. I can't believe it." I don't give grades and my kids know it. So the smile and little wiggle in their chair as they sit a little taller is just so cute. I'm about ready to pass on the paper responsibility to the students but I have to admit it did bring a little burst of happiness to my day.

First Sub Day

Yesterday was my first sub day of the year. Sub plans has always been one of those things on my "Why I Love Middle School" list. It still is but I had a huge AH HA about choosing a sub this year for my Read 180 class. These are not typical middle school students. Many of them are not fluent in English, most have been failing for a long, long time and don't really like school. So I guess it takes a special someone to handle my little darlings. I wasn't ready to leave them with a sub because we were just beginning to have a shared focus. So I told my sub I would be there and she could just monitor independent readers or just hang out and watch the program. She responded by telling me that she wasreally interested in tutoring adolescent readers and would love to be there. So 2nd period rolls around with no sub. I start teaching and she comes in and plops down at the small group table. Once rotations begin, I tell her that she can go read with anyone in the independent reading area. She takes off and as I'm beginning my small group lesson, I see her approach a couple kids but I don't see any reading going on. She slinks back to my table and says, "I don't think they want me here" and left the classroom. Oh if life could be that easy and we could just leave when they don't want us.

Taking a Fall

I have never been in the least bit graceful. I walk everyday and everyday I stumble and almost fall. It was only a matter of time before I was unable to recover and actually hit the deck. Yesterday, on my way to walk with a friend, I tripped over an uneven piece of sidewalk and was unable to catch myself. I actually felt more coordinated going down than I ever imagined I would. But the end result was a scraped up knee and a very sore wrist. I had a very restless night but made it through the day today without too much pain. The wrist is loosening up a bit and the knee is beginning to heal. This is another one of those reminders of how quickly life can make a turn and change for the worse. I could easily have broken a bone in my hand, arm or leg. So I continue to walk but am just a tad bit more careful and looking down more often than out. The hesitancy will pass but for now I am giving thanks for my gifts and wounds that will heal when given enough time.

A Long Time Between Posts

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have no excuses, reasons or explanations beyond the simple fact that the beginning of school is an extremely busy time.

I am loving teaching reading and writing to my darling little 6th graders as well as my intervention class. It has been quite a venture being involved in the start up of a brand new middle school program. I have no doubt that I was placed at Buchser to be doing exactly what I am doing. It is the culmination of my teaching experience all put to its best possible use - primary reading instruction, special education and middle school all rolled together into one. However, the materials and technology set backs have been many. I am hopeful that by next week everything will be purchased, installed and in the hands of students and I can stop my weekly and sometimes daily e-mails to the powers that be.

Another challenge in my school life has been a down computer in my classroom. I guess for other teachers this wouldn't have been a problem but I have recently learned that I am one of the rare teachers that only has one computer in her classroom. So for 6 school days I only had access to a computer while I was in the READ 180 room. I was definitely more efficient both as a classroom teacher and when I was on line. In the classroom there were no distractions in dealing with e-mails between classes but it was also a struggle to handle the day to day things upon which we depend on technology. It meant doing attendance on paper and sending a student to the attendance office within the first 10 minutes of class. I also became aware of how many times during the day we say "Did you see that e-mail from ___ about ___? There were even times when I would tell someone something and s/he would say, "Could you send me an e-mail about that?" But the positive side was that my focus was entirely on those 32 kids in the classroom and not on attendance, or on-line grades, or e-mails to remind me of upcoming events or meetings or information about absent kids. I was just teaching.

We are in our third week of school and it is about now when I begin to surface again. My grades are up to date, I have given the first writing assessment and have a pretty good idea of where my readers are. I know everyone's name and can even recognize them when they are in the quad and not in their assigned seat. But thinking back on the past few weeks is a little shocking. So, here are some of things that go on in the opening weeks of school:
August 24th - First day of school
August 26th - Team Meeting
August 27th - School Walk-a-thon followed by locker assignments
September 2 - Grade level meeting followed by a Faculty Meeting
September 3 - Back to School Night
September 9 - Team Meeting
September 10 - Google Calendar Training followed by READ 180 Meeting
September 15 - Picture Day
September 16 - Department Meeting
September 18 - 6th Grade Social

As I so often like to say, "Yikes."

Day One, Year Two

Before beginning the writing of this post, I thought it would be interesting to see how my feelings today compare with those of a year ago. As I searched the archives I sadly discovered there is no history. I didn't come back to my blog until mid November. Well, that says a lot about where I was last year at this moment.

So I will just start at the beginning. This is my second year of middle school and it feels so much better than my memories of 2008. I remember not sleeping for days and having horrible dreams of ill mannered juvenile delinquents who I had no idea of how to manage. In contrast, this year I have to admit that while I have lost some sleep over worries of starting a new year, there have been no weird dreams. I would just wake up and pre-play the first day. And before you know it, there was enough daylight that I could legitimately get up and make my coffee to start the day.

Day 1 finally arrived and I was as prepared as I wanted to be. I could have spend the whole weekend obsessing over tiny little details but knew that would not be healthy for me or anyone else in the classroom. I puttered around my room this morning until it was time for yard duty and went out to welcome a new crop. I was taken by surprise at how happy I was to see my now 7th grade students and my old friends from Sutter. It is that feeling of home that always brings my feet back to the ground. I constantly forget how important it is for me to be known.

What a difference a year makes! Last year I had so little knowledge of what I was doing. It was about all I could do to just to keep breathing. Fast forward to this year. I was totally shocked to see that deer in the headlights look from almost every student in my classroom until after lunch. Few of them made eye contact with anyone, let alone the teacher. Only the 3 Sutter kids who had me before even came close to laughing at my lighter comments. The poor things. The afternoon was a little better and I'm hopeful that after a good night's sleep these kids will remember Ms. Allen's words. Today is the worst of it. It's all downhill from here.

A New Beginning

One of the things I love most about my job is that every fall brings a new beginning. It's like renegotiating your contract and saying "Yes! I want to do that again!" That's how I'm feeling today but more so. I have to contain myself not to shout out how excited I am about going back to school. It's not socially acceptable to be excited about the first day of school but in all honesty, that's who I am as a teacher.

Summer school is now a distant memory. My vacation to Washington was very nice. But I am all about being HOME and am deeply defined by my profession. It is time to begin anew once again.

Yesterday was my first day back which meant I was very distracted. There were people to say Hi to, summer school stuff that needed putting away, desks to move into position and a second classroom to prepare. I will be teaching a reading intervention class this year which needs its own room so special ed and ELL can also use the materials. I now lovingly call B-10 my annex. It was a long day but I was a little more focused by the time it was over.

Today when I returned I knew I had to get the paper up on the walls and start some lesson planning. Late this afternoon, I pulled out my "Beginning of the Year" folder and was overwhelmed with feelings of last year. I had no idea what I was doing but I had lists of talking points (which I believe came from my partner teacher) and getting to know you activities, most of which I never used. The past 2 days have been a huge AH HA of how little I knew just a year ago. I am overcome with how much calmer I feel going in to my second year of middle school. I know lots of people whom I had never even met at this time a year ago. Meeting new people is a huge challenge for me so the sense of familiarity makes me feel instantly at home. I know the writing curriculum and how I want to tweak it to make it better this year. But the biggest piece of the puzzle is the fact that I am once again teaching reading. I think it's much more emotional than academic. I am a reading teacher. It's where I started and to some extent defines who I am as a teacher. The things we read change what we think about the world and who we become. The deep conversations that go on in the classroom occur as a result of our shared reading experiences and what we think about them.

There's a tiny piece of me that just can't wait for Monday morning. But I also know that on Monday morning I will be nauseous and wishing the introductions and getting to know you stage was over and learning had already begun.

Mystified

I have made a few comments here and there about one of my student teachers from Summer School. I won't belabor the point of how surprised I have been by how it has all turned out. I remain mystified and a bit humbled that every now and then our first impressions can be way off course. Today she gave me a thank you note and I have to say she was clearly paying attention

"Thank you so much for allowing me to be apart of your classroom this summer. I have enjoyed the past 5 weeks and learned more than I thought possible. I especially appreciated your use of positive reinforcement and loved seeing the students respond to your encouragement. I will miss your ability to see the potential in every student, but I hope to carry this outlook into my other classrooms."

Wow...

Week Number Five - The End

Summer school 2009 is now history and so today a breathe a huge sigh of relieve. The end is always anticlimactic because so many kids don't bother to show up but nonetheless I am thrilled to be done with it. It wasn't as bad as I often thought it was but I still don't want to do it again. I'm tired. It's just as simple as that. The money is good - no doubt of that - but it is all just so exhausting. I'm not the kind of teacher that can take anything lightly. I lose as much sleep over summer school kids and lesson plan as I do during the regular school year. I just can't shut it off. And that is no way to spend a summer vacation. But I have to admit I have grown and learned many new things as a result of my summer school experiences.
1. Sometimes my first impressions of people can be a little off. I had a student teacher who I would have bet money on the fact that she didn't think I knew jack about teaching. I was dead wrong. I still don't think she fully comprehended everything she was seeing but the girl was just hungry for more. Her questions weren't necessarily questioning me, they were just questions.
2. It is still hard for me to give up control of the classroom but I definitely improved in that department this summer. I allowed student teachers to dig in without my intervention and resentment did not rear its ugly head. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
3. I saw great growth in several kids that I kind of thought were players. Patience and maintaining eye contact for ungodly long periods of time can be very effective.
4. The very most important thing a student can do to begin a successful career is to show up and pay attention. That's it. That's all it takes. The brain will do the rest automatically.
5. I truly had no idea how much I have missed teaching reading. I LOVE the deep conversations that come about because of stories and the way people share who they are through those conversations.
6. I continue to learn how to make connections for kids between the school world and the real one. One of my best lessons this summer was convincing my students that they are the main characters in the story of their own lives. It was a powerful way to link to their new identities as middle school students. Every day we decide who we are projecting to the outside world. This is still a life lesson for me. Who am I? Would the people who know and love me answer that question the way I do? If not, I need to reintroduce my "character" to my readers.
7. Afternoon naps are amazing. I'm quite sure I would have ended up in a heap without them.

And now I think that is just what I will do - go take a nap.

An Awareness of Aging

I am aging. This is something that has been playing on my mind this summer. I'm not old. I just feel myself changing. Living in the moment forces you to see things and feel things that you might ignore otherwise. I now notice changes in my body; new lines, aches and pains, gravity taking its toll. Actually, this is probably a change for the better. In years past I would ignore those aches and pains, truly believing that my body would heal itself and there was no need for intervention. My first bout with tendonitis a couple years ago taught me differently. And it seems lately there has been one reminder after another. The past school year I had some weird foot thing, a frozen shoulder and shingles. That's a lot in a very short period of time.

I revel in everything I am still able to do but I also know it could very well be transient. Walking the Wharf to Wharf reminded me that I am still able to maintain a 15 minute mile for a distance of 6 miles. On the other hand, my very own sister who is only slightly older than I am, is having a hip replacement next week. How is it that we are old enough for such things? This is by no means the end of the world; it is just an awareness of aging. I'm not sad or upset or depressed - just aware.

The flip side is senior discounts. On two occasions this month I have been made aware of senior discounts for those who are 55 and older. The first time I was too afraid to ask for it; I figured they would card me but the second time I told them I would be 55 in 2 weeks... No dice. It must be about time for my gray hair to stop playing around and get serious.

As I turn 55 this week I am also aware that it is a midpoint of sorts. I have loved my 40s and 50s but I'm a little wary of the upcoming 60s. 60 just sounds older to me - the age of retirement, social security and medicare. I, of course, look forward to all of these things but they are symbols of growing old in our society. So it has taken me aback to realize that in just 5 short years, I will be 60 something.

While I am a strong believer that age is an attitude, there are some very real things that accompany it that can not be denied. I sleep less than I did a year or so ago. I tire in the garden more easily. There are pains that must be dealt with. I am simply aware of a change in the air. However, you can be assured that this does nothing to diminish the enthusiasm I have always had for my birthday. I still think it's the best day of the whole darn year.

Week Number Four

The end is near. We are down to 4 days of summer school. That is only 18 hours of contract time and 16 hours of face time! But who's counting? Week number four definitely had its highs and lows. The kids found their rhythm and seemed much more aware of their end of the responsibility of the learning game. Show up and tune in. It's as easy as that. But part of the reason for them finding their rhythm is me bringing the hammer down. No, we don't throw erasers. We respect things that have been GIVEN to us to use. No we don't write nasty comments on other people's name tags. That is rude and disrespectful. The erasers are now being closely monitored and the name tags are currently being recycled into another piece of paper somewhere. So maybe starting the day with basic expectations makes for a better learning atmosphere. I just don't like wasting my time on general behavior that is a given by the time you hit middle school. But you gotta do what you gotta do. The end result is that the writing was more fluent, there were new voices in the room and the unit is feeling connected.

The student teachers and I had our assessment conferences today. That is where I tell them my observations and opinions of their work in the educational profession thus far, according to the teaching standards. Yes, we have standards too. Last year these conferences occurred on the last day so I didn't have to worry about them stalking me down a dark alley in the dead of night to get retribution. I had to watch my words this year since we still have another week together. But it turns out I had nothing to fear. The refreshing part is that each of them was already aware of the challenges which I addressed. I stayed after our meetings and wrote up the reports so now all that is left is the students' End of Session Progress Reports. I think I'll put them off for a day or so.

Week Number Three

Friday has come again and the third week of summer school is over. The days are passing more quickly now and I am in my rhythm. That's what happens when kids weasel their way into my heart. I look forward to seeing their tired little faces every morning and watching the transformation as I smile and say "How's it goin'?" They don't really want to respond but they just can't help themselves. The student teachers are getting some ah hahs about who is sitting in the seats and what walks through the door with them - deceased or seriously injured parents, language issues, sibling rivalry that lands them in the emergency room, kids who talk freely about learning disabilities or missed elementary school benchmarks, not to mention all the "normal" middle school social issues that at any moment can rear their ugly heads.

There were many positive events this week.
#1 on the list is my appreciation for working in an air conditioned classroom. You don't really know how wonderful it is until the temperature rises above 90. I realized one morning as I was rushing to work that I didn't need to hurry in to get the windows open in order to get the early morning air in the classroom. What a relief! It comes with a feeling of respect for who we are and what we are about. You just can't expect much of a product when human beings are forced to work in unbearably hot classrooms.

#2 Facing 32-34 challenged students each period makes me appreciate and almost crave the balanced classroom. I love how kids learn from one another. 6th grade is just a great age when they start to realize that everyone has gifts to share. Summer school kids are the ones whose voices haven't been heard and they're usually not sure how to get them in the room in an appropriate manner.

#3 Teaching reading and writing in summer school has helped me consolidate my thinking about what I want do to connect the two in the regular school year. I can't wait to get started. I have truly missed the teaching of reading and didn't know how much until now.

#4 Today's conversation with my student teachers was very complimentary. They have been out to enough classrooms and had enough personal experiences with individual kids that they can now see what I bring to the classroom. I don't need their approval to know who I am as a teacher but it sure feels better when it is spoken out loud.

One final observation that has struck me this week is once again the difference between my primary and secondary experiences. Once upon a time long ago I taught at GM and looped from first to second grade. In that class was a boy who I lovingly termed "hell on wheels." I didn't know how else to describe him. He wasn't LD or ED but he was totally out of control. His mom called the police to their house several times over the 2 years I had him. He kicked in doors, destroyed property and just generally caused mayhem. But on the other hand he was charismatic, lovable and really wanted to succeed. The past 4 years haven't solved any problems. He's been at Opportunity and out and "home schooled" which really means he was just not in school. And now he's attempting to re-enter the academic world. He's not happy about it but is making an attempt to play the game. I have had the pleasure of having a few conversations with him this week. In every one of them he was always respectful and went out of his way to greet me by name - that doesn't always happen in middle school. I have been struck by the differences in these challenging kids between 1/2 grade and 7th. As a young child he was the personification of hyper kinetic energy. You never knew where he would end up from one minute to the next. His voice could go from normal speech to yelling and screaming in a split second. Today you would think he was one of the most mellow kids on earth. It's all part of the act and much more difficult to address. He has clearly been my ah ha for summer school. Inside the bodies of our super cool adolescent kids who can''t be bothered even answering your questions is the little boy who just cannot come to terms with his inside feelings and the outside world.

Week 3 has been a turning point. It is the realization of how deeply I love my job no matter who is in the seats. It is also clear to me how much I need to be challenged in my profession. I love the kids that make me rethink what and how I teach. But it is also the awareness that we are on the downhill side.

Week Number Two

The second week of summer school is over and done with. The kids are settling into some sort of routine and are figuring out a system for working with one another. They are also figuring out me and where my line is. #1 is flying pencils. Yes, both my classes learned this week that if something flies into Ms. Allen's line of sight, WATCH OUT. They now know that safety comes first. I don't really like getting in kids' faces but sometimes it is an extremely effective strategy and if a pencil flies through the air that is just my gut reaction.

It feels good to have the second week complete. That means that we are almost to the halfway point. My student teachers have become bored with observing and are up and about a lot more, hanging out with the kids. They are attempting to find their role in the classroom and create that all important boundary between kid and teacher.

The whole student teacher thing is extremely challenging for me. I'm not one that likes to have others in my room in the first place so to have 3 of them evaluating every word and action I take requires a lot of self reassurance. I am quick to think that I am being judged but I try to remember that they will one day understand the importance of classroom management as opposed to fun and creative activities. It also helps to know that other experienced teachers have the same issues. I was approached by 2 different teachers yesterday who basically wanted to vent about the passive aggressive nature of their student teachers - whispering to each other in the corner, questioning teachers about why they do what they do, suggesting alternative activities, making comparisons to other teachers. It just fosters a feeling of unease and borders on disrespect. My biggest issue is a self-professed "not a morning person" who walks into the room every day and as I greet her I get nothing in return. Today I think she grunted ever so slightly. Just a big pet peeve of mine. Human beings respond to one another, tired or not. But I have to let it go. It is obviously not about me!

So week 2 was close to a success. No one left the room without permission. The VP was in and complemented me on the tightness of my lesson. One of my more unengaged students asked if he could write during break time. Things are looking up.

A Day For Me

Today was our summer school day off in observance of the 4th of July. I didn't really mind waiting for Monday even though the rest of the world was off on Friday. I personally think they postponed it so we could have our first set of Friday meetings with the student teachers. Whatever... I could easily have spent the day doing little odd jobs around the house - gardening, cleaning, etc but wanted to take full advantage of the time off. It is an issue of mine. I have time off but don't really make the effort to enjoy it. Then when the summer is over I don't have the feeling or memories of relaxation. So today was a day for me.

I started off with breakfast with a friend at Bill's Cafe and immediately headed for the beach. I walked West Cliff Drive to Natural Bridges, checked out Wisteria and enjoyed a leisurely cup of coffee at The Ugly Mug. Then I drove up highway 1. I love the views this time of year with the combination of farmland and seascapes. The weather was absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever seen the water as blue as it was today. It was almost indigo. I was completely filled with gratitude for everything I have at my fingertips living in northern California.

I treated myself to a piece of pie from Duarte's and enjoyed it overlooking Pescadero Beach. Everything I did today jogged memories from the past. Natural Bridges Beach was a great place for our family in our younger days. I vividly remember the trip that Dave and I took to Pescadero Beach for some tide pooling which was a college class assignment. The assignment was really just a picture for evidence that you were there. But I was so thrilled that he asked me to go with him.

I continued on to Moss Beach Distillery and had a little beverage on the deck overlooking the Pacific. What a beautiful place! I enjoyed the view and the ever deepening blues of the sky and water. There was not even a speck of fog in sight, contrary to our area meteorologists' predictions. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the simple gifts of life. I am blessed with my surroundings, my family and friends and am so happy with the memories that lie just below the surface waiting to bubble up and remind me of what an amazing life this is.

She Is Home

Maria is home again from her trip to the British Isles. I am glad that she was able to go and do most of what she wanted but I have to admit that I was extremely worried the entire time she was gone. I can't really explain this because she has traveled to Europe before with very little concern on my end. I'm not sure if it is me aging or the instability of the world we live in but anytime anything out of the ordinary happened my "mom" antennae shot up. Her travel blog was the only thing that kept me calm. I loved reading her story and looking at her photos in almost real time. The most interesting thing for me was when we instant messaged because we just happened to be on line at the same time. It was so incredible that we could be thousands and thousands of miles apart but technology could create a situation where worldwide communication is as simple as a click of the keys. The other interesting thing was the Facebook experience. She could send messages and people responded immediately. She could get advice about simple things like tax and duties as well as find a hospital for medical care when she needed. Once again, technology is an amazing thing.

Week Number One

The first week of summer school is in the books and most of what I feel is relief. Like anything else, the beginning is always the hardest. The first days of summer school are even more challenging because of the kids that come and go. Or rather than come and go, I should say the kids that don't come and others take their place. These students are famous for not following through on commitments so the ones that sign up don't actually show up. So every day kids on the waiting list are called to take their place. That makes it doubly difficult to create a sense of community. I am hopeful that next week we will be able to make some progress in knowing who is supposed to be in the room. Summer school kids are by their nature wacky. It's the only word for them. They say and do things that are totally unexpected. But mostly they just don't engage in classroom activities. That is a challenge for a teacher like me who depends on relationships for the bulk of classroom management. So the first week was a lot of work in just trying to develop an interest in what was going on in room 23. I am also challenged by being in an unfamiliar classroom and school campus. On the second day of school a student showed up a day and an hour late for class. He didn't last long before he decided to bolt. I tried hard to go on autopilot but couldn't because I had to think about the direction he was going and where streets or traffic were in relationship to that. I knew I needed to call the office but had to locate the phone first and then the list of summer school numbers. Then I had to inform the student teacher what just happened because she appeared to have missed the whole thing. Not a pleasant experience. You would thing that incident was the worst of the week but I was actually more frustrated by the lack of student involvement. They act like they have never heard the term reading strategies before in their lives. Hopefully we will all warm up a bit in week number two. But I will just say here and now that I have no desire to do this again next year. I will just need to figure out ways to relax and enjoy myself at home without spending anything to do it.

Santa Clara, The Tree City

Our city prides itself on being a "tree" city. They go out of their way to plant trees in the sidewalk easement all over town. I have recently been involved in this process. It all started when I discovered that finally the top of a grafted walnut tree (which never belongs wedged in a sidewalk) had finally succumbed. I was not in the least bit sad about this because I have no affinity for walnut trees. So I called the city number and was told that a guy would be out to check the tree. Within a few days he stopped by and left a form that indeed the tree was dead and must be removed. He also left a list of possible trees to choose from. After a few days of mulling it over, I made my selection completely based on beauty and height. If it's my tree I want to be able to enjoy its beauty from my living room window. So I once again called the city number and the message taker said she would pass along the information. Luckily the next part of the process occurred during the first week of summer vacation or I would have missed the whole thing. On Monday a guy came to check the space and double check the tree selections. We discussed removing some of the concrete to make more room for the tree. Excellent idea! he made some colored lines on the sidewalk and said I was on the list but there were 10 tree removals ahead of me. On Tuesday the water guy came and made some blue lines where the water pipes are. On Wednesday PG&E came and made some red lines to mark the gas pipe. On Thursday AT&T came and wrote in fluorescent orange on the street "No AT&Y, No CATV." By this point I am beginning to laugh each time a company car slowly drives down my street looking for house numbers. But all those colors are certainly drawing the neighbors' attention to some upcoming activity. Some are happy to hear about some pretty trees taking the place of the messy walnut and others appear to be concerned about where the squirrels will find their next meal. My house.My decision. The following Tuesday I came home to 2 barricades stating that no one could park in that space on Wednesday from 7-4. Sometime during the night or early morning someone must have come along and moved the barricades from the sidewalk to the street. Unfortunately, one if facing the wrong direction but no worries. It just makes me wonder about who does all these little odd jobs and how I might get one.

Around 7:20 the first trucks arrived. Each of the drivers got out, with coffee in hand and assessed the situation. About 20 minutes later a city worker in a pick-up arrived. This resulted in one of the trucks leaving and the other driver unwinding his house, then winding it back up, driving the truck around the block and returns stopping in the middle of the street. By now it is getting close to 8:00. He skirts a bunch of water on the steet and watches the flow and then drives around the block again. He returns to his spot in the middle of the street but this time is facing the other direction. He sets his cones out and waits. Minutes pass. There is some walkie talkie activity and the other truck returns. Finally the gas can and the concrete cutting saw come out and work begins at 8:10. A half hour later the concrete is cut (but still in place) and the trucks are gone.

Embracing Change

In my reorganization of the teaching materials in my garage, the funniest thing floated to the floor. Now that I'm looking at it, I remember it was from a page in Paula's retirement memory book. I don't know who wrote it but I may need to find out. It clearing speaks to my heart and the journey that I am on.

Embracing Change

I find it a bit amusing when people talk about CHANGE... how they delicately and ever so gently whisper its name. Some are intimidated by or insecure about its presence, while others are politely respectful of its immense power.

CHANGE...
With a smile or a tear, it touches our lives day in and day out, the relentless, inevitable warrior of fate. It can arrive at any moment in life, but we must not feel threatened by it or fearful. Instead, when change is upon us, we should open our eyes wider with amazement and enthusiasm; we should extend our arms farther, and embrace the world around us.

CHANGE...
Let it jolt you, push and pull you. Let it challenge you. Know in your heart that change is what gives you the chance to be yourself and the opportunity to make your life everything you want it to be

Books, Books, Books

One of the projects I am involved in for the next week or so is going through my teaching stuff in the garage. When I moved out of third grade I boxed everything in a fairly organized manner and took only what I needed to middle school. I had always known that I would give it a year before I made any decisions about whether or not I would keep my primary teaching materials. I knew almost from the very beginning that middle school was my niche. I am not a collector and absolutely can't stand having things in storage that other people could be using. That meant it was time to sort, classify and distribute the rest of my stuff. This entails hundreds of books, primary math supplies, social studies and science units, art materials and a few grade specific things. It took up the better part of a one car garage. I am lucky enough to have people in my life who will graciously accept my hand me downs. The sorting process was the most challenging. My book piles were the following: primary books for a second year first grade teacher, books for older kids at Sutter, books my friend Paula has convinced me I will need as a someday grandma and books that are a bit out of date for the book recycler. The book sorting took a total of 6 hours spread over 3 days. I love everything about reading so there was more feeling connected to each book that I picked up than I had anticipated. I was flooded by images from my past. There were the books that I had prior to teaching and I remembered both as a child and reading to my own kids. Those are such happy memories. Some books brought images of students' faces or sometimes their book boxes because they loved it so much it was in their possession almost all year. A few put me back in the school/classroom I was in when I bought it or where I was in my teaching career. I was fascinated by the choices I made as a first year teacher compared to more recent purchases. They truly are the tracks of my teaching. Others brought back memories of entire classes transfixed as I read it aloud. I remembered the feelings I had with my first read and how they changed with successive readings. With some I recalled the flea market or garage sale where it was purchased, usually from a retiring teacher. My favorite part was to open the front cover and find a name plate from the student who had purchased it as a gift from a book fair in his/her first grade handwriting. I love children's books. I love searching for them, buying them, reading them, rereading them and even passing them along to be enjoyed by a brand new audience.

School's Out For Summer!

The beginning of summer vacation is one of the most interesting things in a teacher's life to behold. I absolutely love just being an observer of my brain and body as they both slowly decompress. By the time I woke up on Monday I was thinking of absolutely nothing. And I actually thought that as I woke up - there is nothing on my mind. Not that there wasn't anything on my mind but the kids were gone, grades were gone, and school as a thought process had disappeared. School was just a list of things that needed to be done before August. In their place were plenty of things. My summer projects, (tearing out the front yard and cleaning out the elementary school dump that also doubles as my garage), the state of the world, elections and freedom of speech in Iran, upcoming challenges (summer school and a middle school reading intervention class), my daughter's adventures in the UK, a weekend trip to Portland for my aunt's 80th birthday, my 403b, etc, etc.

I love being home. It seems to be the 50's phase of life for me. I find myself constantly thinking, "I just want to go home." And here I am, home. It is definitely all it is cracked up to be. Home is my refuge, a place of peace and solace. It is whatever I want it to be. A place to read, a place to veg out in front of the TV, a place to hang out on the deck and enjoy the flowers.

I often think that summer vacation must be like a movie trailer for retirement. You wake up and think, "What am I going to do today?" That it is - just today. There is no tomorrow or next week or next month or the end of the quarter or next year. Just today. I love that. I can definitely handle fulfilling expectations for 24 hours. Tomorrow will just have to take care of itself.

I know that as the next 10 days pass, my thoughts will slowly morph into summer school mode but for now I love this feeling of nothingness.

A Sixth Grade Student's Reflections

I have had a blast in sixth grade! I met new people, had great teachers, and learned many things! There have been so many new experiences that I never thought I'd get to have. I loved all our field trips and our special Shark assemblies. This essay is about some of my most memorable experiences in the sixth grade.

First, I have made many new friends. Boys and girls i never thought I'd be friends with. Some from different schools and some from the school where I spent K-5th grade. I have grown closer to people I have known since kindergarten. They turned out to be trustworthy and really funny. The new friends I have made are so different, yet we seem to share the same interests. I look forward to getting to know them better in the next two years.

Next are my wonderful teachers. I never thought I could get so lucky to have very nice teachers who don't make me cry. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because of a teacher. So many times. This year I was really happy and I would laugh in every class because of the teachers. If I had a problem that I needed help with, my teachers were never too busy to help. I worked really hard at getting good grades and my teachers made me believe I could do it. Thank you, Mr.________, Mrs. _______, and Ms. _____!

Now for the field trips. My favorite field trip in the sixth grade was when we went to the The Tech Museum. I loved seeing the IMAX movie about the coral reef. That was really fascinating. The field trip was made even more special by the fact that my sister, ______, was home from college on spring break and she got to chaperone. I also loved the trip to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco. I love that we could take pictures of the art. I got a lot of good pictures. my mom got to take the day off from work and come along.

Finally, the Shark assemblies. I think that it was really kind of all the teachers to take time off from their schedules to give awards to their students for the things they thought we did well. I was really surprised when I got the award for being super efficient. I have put in on the mantle so everyone can see it. I was really proud of myself that day and I thank all the teachers again.

So, all in all, I have had a really great year. I will miss all my of my teachers and all of the great times I have had in sixth grade. I hope I can at least be a TA for one of my sixth grade teachers next year. I will always remember this year and try to visit my old teachers a lot.

The Impact of a Life

Sometimes I wish I knew where I was in the "normal" range. For the most part I think I'm a pretty average person in the way I react to life's little road bumps. But I have the feeling that my response to death may be a little off, especially ones that take me by surprise. I can take in stride when people I have loved, died after a long illness or have lived a full life. I miss them terribly but there is always a place I can file it intellectually. It makes sense. Brian Hegarty dieing at age 35 for no apparent cause does not make sense and that thought is stuck in my head. It rewinds over and over again. Young people dieing doesn't make sense. When things don't make sense to me, I can't seem to let them go. Perhaps I'm a little OCD. My thoughts between last Monday and today have gone from physical to metaphysical questions and I am finally in utter confusion.

Brian was an amazing teacher with a great love for life. He was the guy you would love for your daughter to marry. If I had had another one, I definitely would have put them in the same room together just to see what would happen. He was well grounded and smart and charming and spiritual all rolled into one amazing package. He was literally at the prime of his professional life. He loved teaching and always wanted to get better at it and he did. Within two months time he would have taken over the reigns as principal of an elementary school. If anyone could have been successful at going from teacher to principal in the same school, it would have been him. And now, they tell me he is gone. How does that happen? How do you go from being alive and vibrant and everything that he was to dead? All my questions begin with "did he know?" Did he know he was dieing? Did he know his life would be so short? Did he know how deeply he was loved? Did he know what an impact he had had on so many lives? And this is where my thinking takes a detour. What is it that any of us knows about the force we are in the world. As teachers, we are aware of the role we play in the lives of our students, both positive and negative. But I'm talking about the impact we leave by just living human lives in realationship with other humans. Everything we do and say can and does effect the world in ways we can never anticipate. Observing the depth of the community's response to Brian's death leads us all to realize the importance of every moment we live. Our life may end up being much shorter than we anticipate. We might not get a tomorrow to make that phone call or meet for dinner. It is the reminder of the unpredictabily of what is to come. We are on a journy with an unknown destination as well as an unknown timeframe. There is no other way to live it than in this moment. Now we can't exactly go around telling everyone at every moment of our existence what a difference they have made in our lives but I know we can do better. I, for one can start putting the people I love way ahead of anything else. Here is the first of many acts that will be Brian Hegarty's legacy lived out in my life. This week I booked a ticket to go to my aunt's 80th birthday party. My initial response to the invitation was one of those "too bad" moments. But Brian's death makes you reconsider that whole "too bad" reaction. Worry about money or the fact that the next day is the first day of summer school cannot compare to the moments that will be spent with my family and friends. Too bad? How about flipping that on its head and living life with all the events that are too good, too good to miss?

Thank you, Brian for all that you gave to the world in the short time you were with us. You will be desperately missed by everyone you touched. Your love lives on in each of us in new and glorious ways that none of us ever anticipated. I am so lucky to have crossed your path on this wild and wonderful journey of life.

Catching Up

It has been a while since I have posted. The last word from me was the pain of Shingles. I don't withdraw from life very often but that one almost took me out. I really don't know how I got through the work day but I would come home as quickly after school as possible and put in my couch time. It became the most important thing I did all day. Suddenly this Monday I woke up feeling significantly better. I have no explanation, only gratitude. Every day gets better and better. Maybe soon I'll try wearing a skirt or pants with a waistband again. But I must say my students have certainly enjoyed seeing me in dresses. I suppose it has been an interesting way to end the year:) Changes in fashion is extremely important to the middle world.

In other news there has been a dramatic shift in the behavior of the "the boy who would not be name." Once again I have no explanation, only gratitude. Things definitely got worse before they got better. I am only thankful that we are all ending on a positive note. My favorite part of the whole thing is how well he is able to verbalize it. "It feels a lot better when I don't get in trouble." I have been stunned by how "cute" he seems to me now that he is smiling and doing what students do. Perception is everything.

Along with ending the year I am also gearing up for summer school. I'll be teaching incoming 6th graders beginning June 29th - a mere two weeks after I say good-bye to my current 6th graders. All my couch time gave me lots of time to think and plan. I am quite pleased with my developing Language Arts unit. It will be interesting to see how my imaginary lessons really turn out. I love the planning part of my job but am often surprised by the way it turns out in real life.

Yesterday I received some extremely sad news. A teacher I taught with many years ago did not show up to work. The police were called and he was found dead in his apartment. I was absolutely stunned into utter silence. He was only 35 years old and an extremely gifted teacher. He had worked his way up the ranks and had just been selected principal for the upcoming school year. I am still in shock and feel such an emptiness. Sometimes life is so fleeting. You look up and the ones we once loved are gone. It is that on-going reminder to live in the moment. Say what you want to say today. Tomorrow you may only be able to say good-bye.

So now I turn my head and heart toward the end of the school year. It is with excitement as well as a touch of sadness. I am excited to see how it all goes in middle school. Do they hug and cry on the last day or shout for joy? There are definitely many kids in this class that I will miss. I have been so lucky to start off with such a good group of students. And like always, I know that I have learned more from them than they did from me.

Shingles is a Pain!

I have somehow managed to contract Shingles. Over the years I have heard of older people with Shingles and I knew it wasn't good and that it was somehow related to chicken pox. I now know more than I ever wanted to know about the disease. Shingles is extremely painful and because it is located in the nerves of the skin many things can effect it; moving air, fabric that touches it, or a change in body position that forces the skin to move. My greatest challenge is clothing. Because the outbreak is centered around my waist anything with a regular waistband is out of the question as are any stretch knits. I stumbled upon wearing my Lycra pants over the weekend because they sit more on my hips and the fabric stays in one spot. I have four separate clusters of blisters. Sometimes just one of them is in pain and sometimes all 4. It could be a movement I have made or for no reason at all a wave of pain just rolls through. It might hang around for a couple minutes or much much longer. I move very slowly when changing position from sitting to walking or vice versa. Then there are other times that I feel just fine and have no pain whatsoever. I've never been one for surprises and surprise pain is the worst. I guess the thing that bothers me the most about this whole ordeal is that the onset is caused by stress or a compromised immune system. I know the latter is not the case and to tell you the truth, there have been other times this year that I have felt a lot more stressed than I have the past couple weeks. Like when I'm sitting at lunch and suddenly realize that grades have to be closed out at 3:00; that's stressful. As I have gone back through my mind I really couldn't come up with any time that I had felt out of control stresswise. Perhaps that means I am totally out of touch with my body or maybe it's just the culmination of all the new experiences this year. Whatever it is, I hope it passes quickly and that it never happens again. The positive side is that I am learning to rest. I have learned that the couch is very nice place to be.

Pondering the Brain

My fascination with the brain began with my master's program at Santa Clara University. At the time I was in my 4th year of teaching and third year in 1st grade. It is what precipitated the change from an Interdisciplinary degree to Special Education. I was fascinated by all the things that had to happen in nanosecond synchronization for a 6 year old child to learn the process of reading. I left the program much more amazed by the percentage of students who could read than by the ones who couldn't. My fascination with the brain has continued and become more complex. Metacognition is one of my great loves of teaching. How do we know that we know and when am I actually aware of the process? Last year I had a student with Affective Disorder and I started reading everything I could find on the frontal lobe which may or may not develop as the child matures. It turns out, that little thing is pretty important in making decisions with consequences in mind. My current focus is on the role the brain plays in emotions. I have a dear friend who has recently undergone a temporary shift in his perception of reality. In my mind it all seems to be based in the way we react to the events of our lives. I've known plenty of people who can endure amazing incidents and seem to pass through them unscathed. And there are many others who worry everything to death and can become overly anxious about daily routine events. This leads my thinking to two important variables; our individual histories and systems we have in place to deal with the challenges of our lives. There are people who have had unbelievably painful childhoods - abuse, neglect, forced labor - and yet there are those who come out of it completely intact and appear to be able to redefine themselves in the world. They turn their backs on the who they were and become the person they create in their mind. Is that really possible or at some point are we forced to face our past and deal with it head on? For each of us, the moment may come when we suffer a breaking point and it all comes crashing down around us - the death of a child, divorce, poverty. Where is the breaking point for each individual? The way we process these incidents in our brain is assisted by the social network we use to support ourselves. I have a friend who processes almost any challenging decision externally. It took me a long time to understand that when she said she was going to do "X" and ended up doing "Y" it was because she had to say it out loud to comprehend all the possible consequences to each option. I am definitely an internal processor. I have long drawn out conversations with me, myself and I before I make a move. My divorce from break in trust to final decree took more than 7 years. I shared this with very few people so the end result was that many were totally shocked. I daydreamed single life scenarios constantly. They of course are nothing like the real thing but I had to be certain that I was willing to endure every possible consequence before I could follow through with my decision. This is the way I process decisions in my life. I share very little with my friends and I can't really explain a reason for this. It is only in the past couple years that I have had the courage to actually pick up the phone and ask for help. Perhaps it's related to my need to be right (definitely an Allen thing) so when I say the words, "I'm thinking about...." I feel like I need to defend my position and prove to whoever I'm talking to why this is the right thing for me to do. This is exactly what happened with my decision to make the move to middle school. There were very few people who I would say supported me in this endeavor. For some reason most of the people who I told saw their role as being the voice that had to make me realize what a mistake I was making. That is not support if you ask me. The first question was totally predictable, "Didn't I know how obnoxious middle school kids were?" I tried hard to make these people understand my personality is one that craves change, needs it to grow and learn. But it was pointless and a waste of my energy. Perhaps I just don't have the right circle of friends around me. One thing I know is that I never want to break with this reality and suffer the loss of the relationships that matter most to me - my parents, my family, my children, the friends who build me up and create the bridge from challenge to achievement, from crisis back to being in balance. In order to manage this, I have to have the courage to open up and know that a true friend will accept me for who I am. Yes, they may have other suggestions but I won't be judged because of the choice I make. It is simply an issue of trust. I am definitely a work in process.

Final Field Trip

Our final field trip is now history. Our team of students went to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco to make some much needed connections to ancient Indian and Chinese history. Neither of these units were a shiny star in my teaching achievements. I knew very little about either country and it showed. This field trip was not an easy one to accomplish on many levels but now that it is all part of the past, I can look back on it and think happy thoughts. The students present had a wonderful time. It is always the little things that take me by surprise on trips like this. The thrill they have in boarding a big yellow school bus, the joy that is apparent in just leaving school while everyone else toils away, the excitement of riding through Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Palo Alto and to keep going. I love the little comments that are overheard "I've never been to San Francisco on a field trip", "Is that the beach?" Sixth graders are just still so cute. Our gallery time was set for 11:00-1:00. That meant a very early lunch. We headed across the street to the Civic Center park for a little play time. I noticed the very young equipment and thought, "Oh well, we can just sit around and chat." Was I ever surprised when they lined up behind the baby swings to take their turns swinging and pushing one another. They went down the tiny little slides and clamored together to jump up and down on the bridge. I guess these kids just have not had enough time to play. We had our lunch and headed into the museum. There was lots to see and my group kept grasping onto key words that they had heard before: Chandra Gupta, Vishnu, Pure Land Buddhism. Maybe I wasn't an awful teacher after all. I loved this place because it had all the swords, daggers, and samurai soldiers for the boys and beautiful kimonos and gilded statues for the girls. We gathered together to head back to school with no one missing. Success! The kids were a little more alert on the bus this time around. There were lots of guessing games being played - I'm thinking of a number between 1.4 and 2.4, kids who were fascinated by waving at other drivers just to see if they would wave back and tons of interesting conversations to overhear. I only snatched one cell phone. We arrived back at school for the entire 6th period of PE. So we all headed out with our balls and frisbees and decompressed. I only had to remind them once that there was NO DODGE BALL. Actually, in my heart of hearts, I would give almost anything to give in on that one before the year is over. So, yes this final field trip was a great success. There is just nothing like putting kids out into the real world and watching them figure it all out. So despite all the hurdles in putting this one together, we all came out of it a little wiser.

A New Crop of Teachers

It was my pleasure to attend the convocation of my student teacher from last year today. I have to say that I was pretty amazed to see the number of graduates fill all of those chairs that were set aside. If that isn't the embodiment of hope, I don't know what is. Almost 200 people in just one university are choosing to dedicate their lives to the children of our valley. The pay isn't great and the hours are horrendous. It must be love.

The dean of the department talked about the number of lives the newly credentialed teachers will effect in just their first year. One of of these days I'll have to sit down and do the math of how many students I have taught to date. I'm sure it will be a shocking number and will stun me into once again checking my smart mouth at the door.

I was struck by something else while I was there witnessing this celebration. It was the look of pure happiness on each and every face. This was not a room full of traditional 23 year olds who had the feeling of finally finishing their college careers and were now ready to live their lives. There were many 2nd and 3rd career destined graduates in the group but the look remained the same. It was a glow that transcended anything physical and had to come from deep inside the heart. It was the look of unadulterated hopefullnes, the belief in the the future and the knowledge that whatever life had in store would be the answer to their prayers. Teachers do what they do for tomorrow not today. It is the same trust of a garderner who plants seeds and sends forth the hope of what could be. These graduates clearly believe that this profession which has its big toe in tomorrow is what they have dreamed of for so long. It is so refreshing to see that the dream is still alive.

Its Just A Number

I took part in a lovely little walk in the park this weekend. The weather was perfect and it was a very enjoyable outing with the staff of our middle school. I was given a number to wear just as you would be in any other organized walk/run. But we quickly noticed that these were just a little different. This group had decided to include the runner's age. I am not a person who focuses on her age so I looked down and quickly attempted to do the math. Things didn't add up. I just kept looking at the number. 64? Huh? Clearly there was a mistake but the number stuck in my head. I couldn't seem to let it go. Wow! I look pretty good for 64! Then I started thinking about me at the real 64. What would I look like, would I still be registering for 5 and 10K walks? I could only go there if I thought about the me 10 years in the past. As I thought back it all came screeching into my memory. That was not a good year. At this point in the year, I would have been separated for 8 months, in the process of selling the house and preparing for a move to Texas to put myself back together again. I've come a long way since then. Who knows what lies in store for me in the next 10 years? Yes, my age is just a number but 64 sounds a lot older than 54. It is good that we just take them one year at a time.

Sometimes There is Just No Good Solution

There was another meeting today to plan for the student who my partner teacher has renamed "he who will not be named" just because it becomes exhausting to talk about him ad nauseam. We both have done quite well at keeping things in perspective the past couple weeks. He is given what he needs to make choices about his day and the other students get the best of what we have to offer. But the question still remains, "What now?" What is the plan for the remainder of the year, summer school and placement for next year. I walked out today with the feeling that there is just no good ending here. Retention will do nothing for a change in his attitude. Moving on to 7th grade will simply be more of the same. The other possibilities are that his parents will move him to another school - that would make #7, he'll turn to the dark side or he'll stop coming to school. None of these accomplish our goal. The piece I just can't let go of is that he was told he would not go on to 7th grade unless he turned it around. How does a promotion get communicated to him without him thinking that he has accomplished what he set out to do - absolutely nothing. My words mean everything to me. I don't speak any that I don't mean. I am only grateful that I didn't put the original deal on the table all those months ago.

Yes, middle school is really different. There just aren't many options available to kids who choose not to come to the table. There is no placement other than the regular program until after 8th grade. So the only choice is to fail, go to summer school, fail there and then fail again next year. I'm still not sure about this but it feels like one of those times that I just need to let it go.

I'm Probably a Cynic

It is save for me to now openly express my feelings about Swine Flu. Tonight I heard that schools will be reopening tomorrow because they have discovered that's it not quite the contagious disease they thought it was. Anyone who chatted with me about this topic in the last few days already knows that I did not take it seriously. Quite the opposite. In my classroom you could even hear me blessing students after a sneeze with "swine flu" in place of "bless you."' I like to think that I am slightly irreverent but it is probably closer to cynical. It is rare that I worry too much about government warnings when they begin with solutions like cover your mouth and wash your hands. Don't get me wrong. Having the flu is a terrible thing even though I could probably count on one hand the times I have had it. I only remember 2 of them - one when I was a small child and the other when I was pregnant with Dave. I have always been blessed with good health. I am sorry for anyone who has suffered from Swine Flu and especially for those who have lost family members. But here's the deal; people have been dieing from the flu for thousands of years. And the solution is covering your sneezes and washing your hands. The funniest thing that happened in regards to this was yesterday on our field trip via VTA to Flint Center. As we were preparing to leave one of my students ran up to me and shouted, "Ms. Allen, I forgot my Purell. My mom said to be sure and take it with me today. Can I go to my locker?" Then the rest of the morning I couldn't help but notice how many kids pulled their sleeves down over their hands as they held on to the poles on the bus or railings in the auditorium. I just find things like this humorous. I suppose that really does make me a bit of a cynic.

Public Transportation

I just have to say that I love public transportation. This morning we went on a field trip to Flint Center; it was the second time we have used VTA buses this year. The driving part of field trips has always put me over the edge. I love being there, I just hate the journey. I always worried about parent drivers and I must admit that I had a couple weird experiences in my early years where parents stopped and bought treats for their carload of kids; a few have gotten lost. It just is a lot of worry. When I got to Sutter and discovered the beauty of school buses my worries were over. I loved being on the bus where I could see every single kid. Yes, I know; I have control issues. I have used VTA a couple times over the years but VTA with primary and VTA with middle school is a whole different thing. One of my favorite parts is when you get on the bus with your 30+ kids and you watch every one's face sort of fall in disbelief from the bus driver all the way back to the person sitting in the very last seat. I kind of feel sorry for them losing their peaceful ride to school or work or home but on the other hand, it is good to spread our adolescent energy around. By the end of the ride, everyone is smiling.

A Day Without the News

I am a news junkie. On a normal day I watch it at least twice a day. I read my articles of choice on the San Jose Mercury News website. I get Yahoo Alerts sent to my e-mail just so I can keep up on any big surprises of the day. I love listening to people talk about events of our times and ponder how it will be recorded in the history books. Lately it has become rather mundane. All I hear is the economy is bad, the economy is going to remain bad for several years and tips on how to keep from foreclosing on my house. And then Swine Flu reared its ugly head. Now we can leave feel bad about the economy behind and shoot right into fear mongering. Yes, I know; swine flu is not passed from uncooked pork. I know how to cover my mouth and nose when I cough or sneeze and I'm really good at washing my hands. I guess I hit overload this week when from the moment I turned the TV on in the morning until I headed out the door to work it was reports on swine flu, Obama's first 100 days, swine flu, Wolverine, and a final report on swine flu. Now mind you, these reports were not all exactly the same. The first one was an interview with a doctor who said that 60% of the people that came to his hospital to be tested were negative so don't come unless you're really sick. The next one was a reporter saying that almost half of the people who showed up tested positive. And the last one gave symptoms of swine flu and suggested to the audience that if you think you have it, please get tested. Huh? So yesterday I made a conscious choice to live a day without the news. And guess what. This morning I woke up feeling just fine about my world. Yeah, I'm sure a few people died yesterday and maybe one or two of them even died from Swine Flu. But I didn't have to look at the news anchors' worried faces on my TV screen and listen to those trigger words: pandemic, outbreak, crisis, panic. The world is a fine place. There will always be wonderful and terrible things happening to us as humans. Unfortunately the news only focuses on the negative side. It is up to us to balance it out with the positive. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, I have food, water, shelter and wonderful friends and family to support me and lead me forward. A day without the news is a very healthy thing to do every now and then.

Learning About Me

It is abundantly clear that I have been challenged this year. It has pervaded every aspect of my life. I never dreamed that this jump would have such lasting effects. I am not complaining. I still love middle school. I love the whole notion that I never know exactly what's going to happen in the course of a day. Elementary school was just too predictable for a girl like me. I was in charge and there wasn't much that a 6 or 7 year old kid could do to detract me from my mission of the day. But middle school is another story. They walk in the door and the looks on their faces make it very clear what they can or cannot handle in the next 5 minutes. I am figuring out how to "read" them before I even say hello. I am learning a lot from kids. I'm not only learning about them but also about me. How far will I go to get a kid to smile. Yesterday I actually danced in my classroom for the first time ever. I am not a dancer and usually refuse when asked. It just isn't my forte. But STAR testing was over so why not sing and dance? And yes, they smiled, they laughed and they walked out of the room happy. What could be better than 28 happy kids post-STAR.

This thinking has brought me to the realization of how much I learn about myself through my students. Not the good ones who do the work and are proud of their accomplishments, I'm talking about the ones who are outside the circle. The ones who refuse to go along with the status quot, They challenge me to think deeply about my practice and question what I believe about teaching and my role in the classroom.

I have learned something new about myself every single year of my career because of the kids I teach. I am a reflective teacher and that's when the learning begins. How would I know how strongly I feel about learning without the kids who refuse to do it? When I am frustrated and can't get rid of it I have no alternative but to start thinking about it from the inside out. From those more interesting kids I have learned that I don't like furniture thrown at me or even pencils, for that matter. That's when I call for help and admit that I might not be the best placement for this student. I have also learned that I cannot run after one student and leave the other 19 behind. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. I have figured out that my teaching, despite its importance, isn't always what my students need. There are times that a kid just needs to tear up newspaper or pound clay rather than learn the finer points of the states of matter. Softening the heart comes before expanding the brain. I also know that I don't like being yelled at by students or even their parents. Pointing and shaking fingers are out too. I know that physical violence has no place in the home or classroom. That's why we have police. These more challenging kids are all about drawing a line in the sand for me. They are the difference between philosophy and practice. Yes, I believe that every child can learn but I also know that sometimes there is a huge obstacle that must be removed before it can happen. That might be an alcoholic or abusive parent. It could be a learning disability as a result of a pregnant mother on drugs. Maybe it's the fact that a child's parents are in jail and s/he's being raised by grandparents. There are all kinds of things that can get in the way of learning. It is my job to figure out what's in the way and move it aside. The middle school obstacles are many and some are even a bit humorous - what I'm wearing, how I fixed my hair, my locker is jammed, I feel fat. The increase in obstacles has taught me that much more about myself. My strict/lenient line is definitely flexible depending on the curriculum, activity and whether or not there was a fight at lunch. Things learned in partner and group activities go way beyond standards. Kids need to have the opportunity to learn from one another in the same way that we do. I am lucky enough to have an amazing partner and I learn from her every single day. Chatter in the classroom is not always bad. Talking is how we learn about each other as well as ourselves. Teaching something new everyday has shown me that there is an easy and hard way to do almost anything in life. It's worth putting the time in to find the easy way instead of fighting the hard one. My dad's adage of "Find a bigger hammer," doesn't always work for me anymore. I've also learned that lesson plans or modifications can come from anywhere - dreams, hikes through the woods, chats with friends. I just accept them as gifts from the universe and give thanks.

But the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that we must all be allowed to make our choices and experience the result. It is the only way we can know who we are and who we want to become. Failing a test or a quarter or believing I have failed a kid is simply a moment in time. It doesn't define us as a failure. Every day we are faced with hundreds of decisions that all go together to create a definition of me in this moment. The beauty of it is that they can all be different tomorrow. The person I am is constantly changing as a result of experiences I have. I am a student of the world. I am learning to welcome the lessons that challenge my view of the world without digging my heels in and fighting back. Those are the times when I realize that I might not be who I think I am. Educational theory tells us it is at the moment of dissonance that learning actually begins. The moment that I verbalize, "That's different than what I thought," is when my brain and heart can open up to the possible.

What a Difference a Week Makes

A week ago I was so deep inside my thoughts and reflections I could barely see the sun. I was questioning everything - who am I, who am I as a teacher, who am I as a mother. It was endless. And all because of a student who I believed I had failed. After a couple days of sadness and a daughter who was able to shine a flicker of light inside my very opinionated brain, I started to get it. It wasn't me who failed and it wasn't even about success or failure. I was once again trying to change another person's journey just so it would fit the movie in my head. When am I going to learn that I'm not in charge? So this week I started with a new attitude. It was time to go back to class.. I needed to start watching and learning about HIS journey. What I saw and heard was about the who of this kid, It wasn't about what I wanted him to accomplish or finish or learn. It was about who he is. He comes to school for fun. It's where his friends are. The work is overwhelming so he always comes back to the fun. He is smart and a fast talker. He has always been able to get what he wanted out of school. He has dreams as well as short and long term goals. He wants to be a TA next year. He wants to go to college. He wants to be a lawyer. The fly in the works is that there is no bridge between his view of school today and the lawyer of tomorrow. This week I am finally able to let it go and just start finding ways to bring him inside the circle of learners. I started seeing and relating to him as who he is instead of who I wanted him to be. It's not about my classes, what I teach or the assignments that are left incomplete. It's about him and his view of school. I'm planting a seed and I pray to God that someone else will come along and throw some dirt on it. And then maybe someone else with show up with some water. Then someday, someday that little seed will start to sprout and he'll build the bridge to his tomorrow. He'll know that he is smart and capable and start putting the time in to make those goals his reality. I am still sad that I will not be the one to make the difference in his academic journey but I have to remember that it is HIS journey. Ms. Allen was just a stop along the way.