Learning About Me

It is abundantly clear that I have been challenged this year. It has pervaded every aspect of my life. I never dreamed that this jump would have such lasting effects. I am not complaining. I still love middle school. I love the whole notion that I never know exactly what's going to happen in the course of a day. Elementary school was just too predictable for a girl like me. I was in charge and there wasn't much that a 6 or 7 year old kid could do to detract me from my mission of the day. But middle school is another story. They walk in the door and the looks on their faces make it very clear what they can or cannot handle in the next 5 minutes. I am figuring out how to "read" them before I even say hello. I am learning a lot from kids. I'm not only learning about them but also about me. How far will I go to get a kid to smile. Yesterday I actually danced in my classroom for the first time ever. I am not a dancer and usually refuse when asked. It just isn't my forte. But STAR testing was over so why not sing and dance? And yes, they smiled, they laughed and they walked out of the room happy. What could be better than 28 happy kids post-STAR.

This thinking has brought me to the realization of how much I learn about myself through my students. Not the good ones who do the work and are proud of their accomplishments, I'm talking about the ones who are outside the circle. The ones who refuse to go along with the status quot, They challenge me to think deeply about my practice and question what I believe about teaching and my role in the classroom.

I have learned something new about myself every single year of my career because of the kids I teach. I am a reflective teacher and that's when the learning begins. How would I know how strongly I feel about learning without the kids who refuse to do it? When I am frustrated and can't get rid of it I have no alternative but to start thinking about it from the inside out. From those more interesting kids I have learned that I don't like furniture thrown at me or even pencils, for that matter. That's when I call for help and admit that I might not be the best placement for this student. I have also learned that I cannot run after one student and leave the other 19 behind. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. I have figured out that my teaching, despite its importance, isn't always what my students need. There are times that a kid just needs to tear up newspaper or pound clay rather than learn the finer points of the states of matter. Softening the heart comes before expanding the brain. I also know that I don't like being yelled at by students or even their parents. Pointing and shaking fingers are out too. I know that physical violence has no place in the home or classroom. That's why we have police. These more challenging kids are all about drawing a line in the sand for me. They are the difference between philosophy and practice. Yes, I believe that every child can learn but I also know that sometimes there is a huge obstacle that must be removed before it can happen. That might be an alcoholic or abusive parent. It could be a learning disability as a result of a pregnant mother on drugs. Maybe it's the fact that a child's parents are in jail and s/he's being raised by grandparents. There are all kinds of things that can get in the way of learning. It is my job to figure out what's in the way and move it aside. The middle school obstacles are many and some are even a bit humorous - what I'm wearing, how I fixed my hair, my locker is jammed, I feel fat. The increase in obstacles has taught me that much more about myself. My strict/lenient line is definitely flexible depending on the curriculum, activity and whether or not there was a fight at lunch. Things learned in partner and group activities go way beyond standards. Kids need to have the opportunity to learn from one another in the same way that we do. I am lucky enough to have an amazing partner and I learn from her every single day. Chatter in the classroom is not always bad. Talking is how we learn about each other as well as ourselves. Teaching something new everyday has shown me that there is an easy and hard way to do almost anything in life. It's worth putting the time in to find the easy way instead of fighting the hard one. My dad's adage of "Find a bigger hammer," doesn't always work for me anymore. I've also learned that lesson plans or modifications can come from anywhere - dreams, hikes through the woods, chats with friends. I just accept them as gifts from the universe and give thanks.

But the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that we must all be allowed to make our choices and experience the result. It is the only way we can know who we are and who we want to become. Failing a test or a quarter or believing I have failed a kid is simply a moment in time. It doesn't define us as a failure. Every day we are faced with hundreds of decisions that all go together to create a definition of me in this moment. The beauty of it is that they can all be different tomorrow. The person I am is constantly changing as a result of experiences I have. I am a student of the world. I am learning to welcome the lessons that challenge my view of the world without digging my heels in and fighting back. Those are the times when I realize that I might not be who I think I am. Educational theory tells us it is at the moment of dissonance that learning actually begins. The moment that I verbalize, "That's different than what I thought," is when my brain and heart can open up to the possible.