Pondering the Brain

My fascination with the brain began with my master's program at Santa Clara University. At the time I was in my 4th year of teaching and third year in 1st grade. It is what precipitated the change from an Interdisciplinary degree to Special Education. I was fascinated by all the things that had to happen in nanosecond synchronization for a 6 year old child to learn the process of reading. I left the program much more amazed by the percentage of students who could read than by the ones who couldn't. My fascination with the brain has continued and become more complex. Metacognition is one of my great loves of teaching. How do we know that we know and when am I actually aware of the process? Last year I had a student with Affective Disorder and I started reading everything I could find on the frontal lobe which may or may not develop as the child matures. It turns out, that little thing is pretty important in making decisions with consequences in mind. My current focus is on the role the brain plays in emotions. I have a dear friend who has recently undergone a temporary shift in his perception of reality. In my mind it all seems to be based in the way we react to the events of our lives. I've known plenty of people who can endure amazing incidents and seem to pass through them unscathed. And there are many others who worry everything to death and can become overly anxious about daily routine events. This leads my thinking to two important variables; our individual histories and systems we have in place to deal with the challenges of our lives. There are people who have had unbelievably painful childhoods - abuse, neglect, forced labor - and yet there are those who come out of it completely intact and appear to be able to redefine themselves in the world. They turn their backs on the who they were and become the person they create in their mind. Is that really possible or at some point are we forced to face our past and deal with it head on? For each of us, the moment may come when we suffer a breaking point and it all comes crashing down around us - the death of a child, divorce, poverty. Where is the breaking point for each individual? The way we process these incidents in our brain is assisted by the social network we use to support ourselves. I have a friend who processes almost any challenging decision externally. It took me a long time to understand that when she said she was going to do "X" and ended up doing "Y" it was because she had to say it out loud to comprehend all the possible consequences to each option. I am definitely an internal processor. I have long drawn out conversations with me, myself and I before I make a move. My divorce from break in trust to final decree took more than 7 years. I shared this with very few people so the end result was that many were totally shocked. I daydreamed single life scenarios constantly. They of course are nothing like the real thing but I had to be certain that I was willing to endure every possible consequence before I could follow through with my decision. This is the way I process decisions in my life. I share very little with my friends and I can't really explain a reason for this. It is only in the past couple years that I have had the courage to actually pick up the phone and ask for help. Perhaps it's related to my need to be right (definitely an Allen thing) so when I say the words, "I'm thinking about...." I feel like I need to defend my position and prove to whoever I'm talking to why this is the right thing for me to do. This is exactly what happened with my decision to make the move to middle school. There were very few people who I would say supported me in this endeavor. For some reason most of the people who I told saw their role as being the voice that had to make me realize what a mistake I was making. That is not support if you ask me. The first question was totally predictable, "Didn't I know how obnoxious middle school kids were?" I tried hard to make these people understand my personality is one that craves change, needs it to grow and learn. But it was pointless and a waste of my energy. Perhaps I just don't have the right circle of friends around me. One thing I know is that I never want to break with this reality and suffer the loss of the relationships that matter most to me - my parents, my family, my children, the friends who build me up and create the bridge from challenge to achievement, from crisis back to being in balance. In order to manage this, I have to have the courage to open up and know that a true friend will accept me for who I am. Yes, they may have other suggestions but I won't be judged because of the choice I make. It is simply an issue of trust. I am definitely a work in process.