People We Put on the Shelf

This is a phrase I have used for many years inside my head. It has come to mean the family members or friends that we basically put on hold. It happens for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a family member continues to say the same thing over and over agian and only sees one facet of our being. Or maybe a friend can only see us serving a single purpose. You are my mom. You tell stories about my past and give advice about how to take the next step in life. You are my friend.I tell you about my problems and you listen. I don't listen to your problems; you listen to mine. When we put our friends and family members on a shelf a dangerous thing happens. We define who they are and their role in life and they remain in that position "forever." They are stuck in time. I have done it to friends and family and it has been done to me. Sometimes it happens as a result of the business of our lives and we just get in the habit of life without them. Sometimes it is purposeful because it is just too difficult to continue the relationship in the state it is in. It seems to have happened a lot in my family and I still have no idea of how to fix it. That's because people can't be fixed. We are who we are, a constant work in process. Every day changes who I am and who I am becoming. I meet new people and they change my perspective on my life and my history. I am a reflector so the meaning I put on an event is in a constant state of flux. Part of that is the recognition that time dulls pain and I cannot evaluate all sides of a relationship when there is pain at its core. So as I get distance from a difficult conversation with a friend or family member I can put it where it belongs. I am on a shelf. It doesn't mean that I'm not loved. It is simply the only way that that relationship can continue without ending. The question is how does one know if it would actually be better for everyone involved to stop. Stop playing at a relationship. Stop pretending. Stop hurting. I don't know. I just take each day as it comes and accept the gifts that are given and hope that at the end of the journey it will all be made clear.