It is official. I am in a funk. I have been here before but this one has a different feel to it. The unfortunate part is that I know the difference is age. And I think that might mean that there is no going back. During the fall, I noticed something funny about my attitude. It seemed that everyone I talked to was having a hard time getting into the school year. In my head, I started blaming my teacher friends for bringing me down and I started fighting hard to stay positive. I got through all the markers - Labor Day, Veterans Day, 1st quarter report cards, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas arrived. Because of our change in schedule that was the half point. I was never so happy to have 2 weeks off. I loved every single minute of that break until the end. Then I started obsessing about having to go back to work. That's not me. So that's when all the real thinking began. I love my school, I love the kids I'm teaching and I love the curriculum. So what is it? Teaching is exhausting. But that's not new. Everything I read in the paper, see in the news and even in movies is negative about the education system. And so am I. How do I continue to keep my passion for teaching alive when I detest the system that holds it? I am now a nurse, nutritionalist, counselor and practically a second mom. I didn't sign up for that and that is what is knicking away at my fire. I spend so much teaching time not teaching 6th grade reading and writing. We don't start on standards until we know that everyone is ready to listen. That means we have food in our bellies, the chatting has stopped and we have dealt with whatever crisis has occurred - name calling, ugly looks, locker travesties, you name it. I know it's important and that I can't teach the curriculum until everyone is fed and safe but it is still wearing on me. In addition to all of this, I am not being fed in professional development anymore because of budget cuts so any growth in my career is left up to me. I'm just not that teacher that can do the same thing year after year. I have to grow and change. I am still reading professionally but I don't seem to have the energy to apply much of it. I know that I am a good teacher but I am losing my desire for the long haul. I can't see much past June 3 and perhaps the beginning of next year.
I am trying hard just to stay in the moment and feel what it really is. No, I'm not ready to throw in the towel or retire yet . I still like too much of what I'm doing. Maybe it simply requires me admitting that I'm getting older and I don't approach anything with the same energy anymore. It all feels a bit like a come as you are party. I don't think anyone does them anymore but it is a part of my childhood memory. A friend would plan a party but the invitees wouldn't know about it. You would be kidnapped and taken to the party in whatever you happened to be wearing and what ever condition you were in. That is kind of like what it feels like when I wake up in the mornings now. I take it as it is. If the energy is there, I rush off to work and do what I have always done. If it's not I take stock and do what can be done and I allow myself the time and space I need. The good thing is that I am still an early riser so if the energy isn't there I just tell myself it's OK and I'll just be a few minutes later today. The world doesn't end, the kids get taught and I get through another day.
I have been pretty fascinated by talking to people about this. I have been shocked by all the people that don't LIKE going to work. They are fine when the kids show up but they don't wake up raring to go. So part of me is just grateful for having had 20 years of being excited about my job.
So as I prepare for another day of teaching, I promise myself to continue putting one foot in front of the other until I feel better about it all or June 3 shows up on the calendar. I also know that I need to find some peers that will feed my professional development beast. And the final plan is to do some tutoring this summer so I can get in some real teaching. Maybe this three prong approach will work together to light my fire again. Or maybe, just maybe I need the winter fog to lift and the spring sun to clear away the duldrums. I hope it really is as simple as more daylight, warmer temperatures and blooming flowers.
2 comments:
I know what that feels like. Not the age stuff that you are referring to, but the feeling of exhaustion, frustration and not wanting to go to work. These are the years that I made major change. I needed a steep learning curve or something to feed my professional cravings. One year I joined BTSA. Another, I moved grade levels and last I moved schools. As your friend I say that maybe it's time for something major? As your partner I say all will be fine and just plan on staying where you are for a loooooong time. :) For me, the only thing that made a difference was a big change. I hope you feel better.
Thanks for your input, Jen. I appreciate it all. But I am just wondering, would you consider 5 years a loooooong time? That's my thought right now, about 5 years...
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