Choosing Happiness

This is a new topic for me. I've never thought much about it before because I have always felt pretty darn happy. I really think that one of the things I love most about working in a middle school is that I am usually smiling and it takes pre-adolescents by surprise. It is a blast to watch how they respond to someone with a silly grin on their face and saying good morning to them. So that is my starting point. I am almost always smiling. It is simply part of who I am. I don't consciously think "I'm going to smile today." It is as much a part of me as my straight brown (graying) hair and brown eyes. It is who I am. I believe that a big part of happiness is genetic. When I am with my family I laugh. We laugh at and with each other. Even difficult conversations end with a laugh. It is the way we say everything is still OK. So this all makes me think about how people find happiness.

Genetics and choice
We are all a product of our DNA but that is simply a starting point in the game of being happy. I choose each moment how to feel. No one makes me feel bad or sad. It is all inside of me. With each feeling I identify it and do what I can to either embrace it or remove it. That is easier said than done and some of those feelings take longer to eradicate than others. But in the long run, I become who I want to be.

Take control of my own life
I refuse to surround myself with negative people and the energy they exude. I am very suseptible to it and notice it immediately. When I am unhappy, I take the time to identify the source and if possible remove it from my life. The exception to that is of course winter weather. But where would my spring joy come from without the winter lows?

Identify things that make me happy and use them
I love baking. I love watching movies. When I do what I love, I can overpower the sadness that finds its way into my life.

Find time to put the daily events in their place
I am a reflector and I make time every day to think through the day's events - what went well, what sucked. The process helps me realize that there is almost always more good than bad in my life.

Sharing time
I love, love the process of creating new memories that add to my reservoir of happiness. That comes from sharing time, food and love with my friends and family. I have regular times set aside for some friends (monthly breakfast, weekend coffee dates, dinner, walking partner) and I always look forward to them. Sometimes they turn into a short bitch session but we always come out of it and and are able to find humor in our own lives. This time spent often becomes the impetus for my own self improvement. It also reminds me that while I may live alone, I am not alone. There are wonderful people in my life who "get" me.

Thinking outside of myself
One of the greatest things I have done lately for happiness is to raise chickens. I had no idea that was going to happen when I started this venture. One reason is that they have made me realize that there are just some things that can't be controlled, they just are. They walk, they fly, they eat, they poop wherever and whenever they want. It has become my challenge to simply accept some things in the world. And I have to say that it is slow but it is coming. I still don't like walking out on the deck and seeing their residue but I'm adjusting. It is also extremely entertaining just to watch them from the window and realize how simple life can be but one of my greatest joys is to open the door and take a step or two and watch what happens. All three of them come running, heads bobbing as if to say, "She's here. She's here." If that doesn't make you happy, I don't know what would.

Maintain a long range view
As a child, my mantra was "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true." It's a quote from Clarice in that funky Rudolf that I still watch every year. I still live my life with one foot in the future, always thinking about what I want to do next. Even though my "next" is semi-retirement, it excites me and it keeps me from obsessing on today.

Think happy
I try to remember that happiness is a choice. It is the lens through which I choose to view my life. Even when things are challenging at work, I look forward to coming home and relighting my fire. I surround myself with beauty and love everything in and around my home. I walk through the door and know that life is good.

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January Theme Song

This could have been my theme song for January. It is how I have felt - I just keep on rising up. One day has followed another and now February is just ahead. A little happy dance is in the making.

The Question

If there was nothing stopping you, what would you choose to do?

This question was posted on Facebook by my daughter and it has resonated with me. I guess in light of all my thinking about the future, it makes sense that something like this would roll around for a bit inside of my head.

It is really hard for me to answer because I have such a hard time looking past money and to be completely honest, fear. A few years ago one of my greatest desire was to parachute out of a plane but not now. I am thinking about much more age appropriate things these days.

If nothing was stopping me...

Travel: Australia, more Europe (Spain, Greece, more of France, Italy again, Switzerland/Austria), see the fall colors in the northeast, tour a few antebellum plantations (don't ask me why), Montana (can't explain that one either)

Ride in a hot air balloon - I've been waiting for that one since my 40th birthday

Fly in a glider or maybe an airship instead

Go white water rafting - on the mild side

Ride my bike more

Get better at sewing

Read more

Go to more movies

Create more opportunities to celebrate our family

Find ways to hang out with my siblings and my sister-in-law

Become a wonderful mixture of my own two grandmas for Callie and any other grandbabies that come my way. I want to bake and garden with them and create all sorts of wonderful memories that can only be described by them as "I just love being at my Grandma's."

A Shaft of Light Shines Through the Darkness

I am finally feeling the beginning of something wonderful. I have come to the decision that I am ready to slowly fade out of my current role as public school teacher. I'm not sure how slow the fade will be but it is at least a baby step. I have signed papers to go on a reduced work program next year. In plain English that means I will teach 4 periods instead of 5. I have come to the realization that I love teaching, I love where I'm teaching, I love who I'm teaching and I even love who I am teaching with but I absolutely detest the system in which all those things are encapsulated. That all makes perfect sense at this moment but it has taken me months to figure it out through my winter duldrums and general malaise. For the first time in my life, I struggled to just get up in the morning and actually put one foot in front of the other. It was nice for me to understand what it might be like to be depressed but it has not been a pleasant journey. I am that obnoxious person who has always hopped out of bed and greeted the day no matter what. So it took me no time at all to say yes to the idea of cutting back my time in the classroom. I'm not quite ready to retire and can not support myself without my public school gig so this appears to be the best of all possible worlds. And I am once again getting myself out of bad without the question running through my head of why I have to get up and how long til I can put my pajamas back on again. My immediate plan is to start tutoring this summer and I am hopeful that it will turn into my next "job." The interesting thing in this process is that this little step has opened up a whole new world. People talk to me about other options and I honestly think about them and ponder their viability. Yes, I could go back to private school; Yes, I could be a home school teacher; Yes, I could start my own tutoring business. I feel myself saying yes to all sorts of things. I have never regretted anything that I've done in life but this is something different. Life feels like a blank slate with a giant question mark on it. What do you choose to do with the next leg of the journey?

Living Life

It isn't often that I stop and think that I am doing something well but last night I did. I was in a conversation with my ex-husband... which is not as bad as it sounds. Over the years, we have found topics that we can discuss and at times actually enjoy one an other's company. He was talking about his recent travel bug and I really pressed him on it to try to understand where this has come from. When I see that man change as much as he has in the past year, I certainly want to know about it. To be completely honest, when he told me he was going to Italy last year, my first thought was that he had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live. During our marriage, he never wanted to go anywhere. Other things always came ahead of travel of any sort. So as we delved into this topic last night it all boiled down to "I'm getting older" which I guess is interpreted as I'm not going to be able to do this sometime soon. My mind went back to Elizabeth Edwards 's words before her death, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered." I don't know what my number is but I have lived them without regret. I have seen and done everything that I wanted to do. I am saving nothing for that point in time when I NEED to do it because I'm getting older. Yes, I have debt but no regret. I love living life in its moment and not pondering when I will do what I wanted to do today. Today and the opportunities it presents are only here in this moment. I can't put them in a box and save them under the bed waiting for the right time to bring them out and live them. Today is one of my numbered days. I want to live it well.

Life is a Come As You Are Party

It is official. I am in a funk. I have been here before but this one has a different feel to it. The unfortunate part is that I know the difference is age. And I think that might mean that there is no going back. During the fall, I noticed something funny about my attitude. It seemed that everyone I talked to was having a hard time getting into the school year. In my head, I started blaming my teacher friends for bringing me down and I started fighting hard to stay positive. I got through all the markers - Labor Day, Veterans Day, 1st quarter report cards, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas arrived. Because of our change in schedule that was the half point. I was never so happy to have 2 weeks off. I loved every single minute of that break until the end. Then I started obsessing about having to go back to work. That's not me. So that's when all the real thinking began. I love my school, I love the kids I'm teaching and I love the curriculum. So what is it? Teaching is exhausting. But that's not new. Everything I read in the paper, see in the news and even in movies is negative about the education system. And so am I. How do I continue to keep my passion for teaching alive when I detest the system that holds it? I am now a nurse, nutritionalist, counselor and practically a second mom. I didn't sign up for that and that is what is knicking away at my fire. I spend so much teaching time not teaching 6th grade reading and writing. We don't start on standards until we know that everyone is ready to listen. That means we have food in our bellies, the chatting has stopped and we have dealt with whatever crisis has occurred - name calling, ugly looks, locker travesties, you name it. I know it's important and that I can't teach the curriculum until everyone is fed and safe but it is still wearing on me. In addition to all of this, I am not being fed in professional development anymore because of budget cuts so any growth in my career is left up to me. I'm just not that teacher that can do the same thing year after year. I have to grow and change. I am still reading professionally but I don't seem to have the energy to apply much of it. I know that I am a good teacher but I am losing my desire for the long haul. I can't see much past June 3 and perhaps the beginning of next year.

I am trying hard just to stay in the moment and feel what it really is. No, I'm not ready to throw in the towel or retire yet . I still like too much of what I'm doing. Maybe it simply requires me admitting that I'm getting older and I don't approach anything with the same energy anymore. It all feels a bit like a come as you are party. I don't think anyone does them anymore but it is a part of my childhood memory. A friend would plan a party but the invitees wouldn't know about it. You would be kidnapped and taken to the party in whatever you happened to be wearing and what ever condition you were in. That is kind of like what it feels like when I wake up in the mornings now. I take it as it is. If the energy is there, I rush off to work and do what I have always done. If it's not I take stock and do what can be done and I allow myself the time and space I need. The good thing is that I am still an early riser so if the energy isn't there I just tell myself it's OK and I'll just be a few minutes later today. The world doesn't end, the kids get taught and I get through another day.

I have been pretty fascinated by talking to people about this. I have been shocked by all the people that don't LIKE going to work. They are fine when the kids show up but they don't wake up raring to go. So part of me is just grateful for having had 20 years of being excited about my job.

So as I prepare for another day of teaching, I promise myself to continue putting one foot in front of the other until I feel better about it all or June 3 shows up on the calendar. I also know that I need to find some peers that will feed my professional development beast. And the final plan is to do some tutoring this summer so I can get in some real teaching. Maybe this three prong approach will work together to light my fire again. Or maybe, just maybe I need the winter fog to lift and the spring sun to clear away the duldrums. I hope it really is as simple as more daylight, warmer temperatures and blooming flowers.

A Baby's Smile

There is nothing quite like a baby's smile. The whole world is entranced by babies. If you don't believe it, go find one and look at what people do when they are in the presence of a baby. Jut watch for a moment. Everyone, everyone smiles Construction workers; old, old grandmas; little kids; everyone smiles when they see a baby. Think about that for a minute. What else in the world makes everyone smile? Nothing I know. I've never seen anything quite like it. But if you want to flip your heart upside down, take a good look at YOUR baby's smile.. This is a picture of my baby with her baby. But it's my baby's smile that is constantly on my mind these days. Maria has always, ALWAYS been happy. When she was in second grade she actually got a student of the month award for smiling. At the time I was extremely irritated about it because I knew there was so much more to this very happy child than what you saw first. But as the years have gone by, I have come to understand the power of that smile. But,I wish Mrs. DiAngelo could see that smile now. I've never seen happiness come to life the way I have seen my own daughter smile while holding her baby. There is nothing like it. And I have seen it over and over and over again. It doesn't come through in the photographs but when you get to see mama and baby together as much as this grandma does you see it and breathe it in and then it is gone in a flash before you can even say "Oh Baby."' And your little heart melts into this oatmeal-like mush and you just give thanks to the universe or whoever or whatever might be in charge and just say "thank you, thank you that I got to be in the presence of this happiness brought to life."

A New Year, Another New Beginning

As a child I was completely mystified by my grandparents annual comments regarding how fast the year goes by and that everyone one of them seems to go faster. How could 365 days go quickly and how could the speed alter dependent upon your age? Then in my college years, my parents started saying the same thing. So I knew there must be something to this. Now of course, I am in that place in life where I don't speak it aloud, but I do feel the increased speeding of time. We go through our lives one day at a time and before you know it a week has gone by and then a month. Zoom. Another year has come to an end and we ponder what has gone on in that time. What are the life lessons? What are the highs and lows? I guess in teaching we are more congnizant of passing time than other professions. My first thought of a school day is what am I doing today, meaning what am I teaching first period, second period, what meetings do I have today, what I am doing after school. Everything I do is based on time. I teach units of study that have a completion date just so that I can move to the next one. We grade and evaluate progress quarterly, gearing everything toward the proverbial test and then our attention shifts to the end of the year, the last day of school and being assured that these students are ready for the next year so we can start it all over again. My entire work life is dependent upon time. I am forced to notice it but yet I have the same feeling that my grandparents and parents did of it slipping through my fingers.

In looking back over my blogs of 2010, I can clearly see that my life is full of the wonderful. I go on and on about amazing events in my life, my quandaries and yes, even my failures. It can be something as simple as planting a seed in the garden or collecting an egg laid by one of my hens. And sadly enough it can also be as gargantuan as students who don't have breakfast or know that they are loved. My entire life is about questions and discovering answers, questions that most people don't consider or have already answered for themselves and moved on. I am stunned that at my age, I am still creating who I am and who I want to be. It is apparent that I will never be defined or put in a box that says this is who Tere is or was. I am terribly envious of those who find their place and burrow down to root and grow and are able to thrive in that little hole in the ground. But I am on a journey. It has no destination. It is simply a journey of figuring things out for myself. Time continues to pass and that passing of time also changes who I am. Every year that goes by increases my understanding of the students and curriculum I teach. I enter a the classroom a different person based on those experiences. Every passing year helps me understand who I am and am becoming as a friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, mother, and now grandmother. I am deeply aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing people joining me on this journey of discovery.

Time is my friend and is also a constant companion on this journey. It is the one required ingredient that allows me to have all these wonderful experiences. I am learning to embrace the minutes and hours in a day and become cognizant of the speed at which they travel. The older I get, the harder they are to hold on to. And so today, an entire year lies ahead of me; an unopened gift which in the moments ahead I will ever so slowly begin to peel back the paper and see what's inside. A new year, a new beginning to this fascinating journey that lies ahead.