Shingles is a Pain!

I have somehow managed to contract Shingles. Over the years I have heard of older people with Shingles and I knew it wasn't good and that it was somehow related to chicken pox. I now know more than I ever wanted to know about the disease. Shingles is extremely painful and because it is located in the nerves of the skin many things can effect it; moving air, fabric that touches it, or a change in body position that forces the skin to move. My greatest challenge is clothing. Because the outbreak is centered around my waist anything with a regular waistband is out of the question as are any stretch knits. I stumbled upon wearing my Lycra pants over the weekend because they sit more on my hips and the fabric stays in one spot. I have four separate clusters of blisters. Sometimes just one of them is in pain and sometimes all 4. It could be a movement I have made or for no reason at all a wave of pain just rolls through. It might hang around for a couple minutes or much much longer. I move very slowly when changing position from sitting to walking or vice versa. Then there are other times that I feel just fine and have no pain whatsoever. I've never been one for surprises and surprise pain is the worst. I guess the thing that bothers me the most about this whole ordeal is that the onset is caused by stress or a compromised immune system. I know the latter is not the case and to tell you the truth, there have been other times this year that I have felt a lot more stressed than I have the past couple weeks. Like when I'm sitting at lunch and suddenly realize that grades have to be closed out at 3:00; that's stressful. As I have gone back through my mind I really couldn't come up with any time that I had felt out of control stresswise. Perhaps that means I am totally out of touch with my body or maybe it's just the culmination of all the new experiences this year. Whatever it is, I hope it passes quickly and that it never happens again. The positive side is that I am learning to rest. I have learned that the couch is very nice place to be.

Pondering the Brain

My fascination with the brain began with my master's program at Santa Clara University. At the time I was in my 4th year of teaching and third year in 1st grade. It is what precipitated the change from an Interdisciplinary degree to Special Education. I was fascinated by all the things that had to happen in nanosecond synchronization for a 6 year old child to learn the process of reading. I left the program much more amazed by the percentage of students who could read than by the ones who couldn't. My fascination with the brain has continued and become more complex. Metacognition is one of my great loves of teaching. How do we know that we know and when am I actually aware of the process? Last year I had a student with Affective Disorder and I started reading everything I could find on the frontal lobe which may or may not develop as the child matures. It turns out, that little thing is pretty important in making decisions with consequences in mind. My current focus is on the role the brain plays in emotions. I have a dear friend who has recently undergone a temporary shift in his perception of reality. In my mind it all seems to be based in the way we react to the events of our lives. I've known plenty of people who can endure amazing incidents and seem to pass through them unscathed. And there are many others who worry everything to death and can become overly anxious about daily routine events. This leads my thinking to two important variables; our individual histories and systems we have in place to deal with the challenges of our lives. There are people who have had unbelievably painful childhoods - abuse, neglect, forced labor - and yet there are those who come out of it completely intact and appear to be able to redefine themselves in the world. They turn their backs on the who they were and become the person they create in their mind. Is that really possible or at some point are we forced to face our past and deal with it head on? For each of us, the moment may come when we suffer a breaking point and it all comes crashing down around us - the death of a child, divorce, poverty. Where is the breaking point for each individual? The way we process these incidents in our brain is assisted by the social network we use to support ourselves. I have a friend who processes almost any challenging decision externally. It took me a long time to understand that when she said she was going to do "X" and ended up doing "Y" it was because she had to say it out loud to comprehend all the possible consequences to each option. I am definitely an internal processor. I have long drawn out conversations with me, myself and I before I make a move. My divorce from break in trust to final decree took more than 7 years. I shared this with very few people so the end result was that many were totally shocked. I daydreamed single life scenarios constantly. They of course are nothing like the real thing but I had to be certain that I was willing to endure every possible consequence before I could follow through with my decision. This is the way I process decisions in my life. I share very little with my friends and I can't really explain a reason for this. It is only in the past couple years that I have had the courage to actually pick up the phone and ask for help. Perhaps it's related to my need to be right (definitely an Allen thing) so when I say the words, "I'm thinking about...." I feel like I need to defend my position and prove to whoever I'm talking to why this is the right thing for me to do. This is exactly what happened with my decision to make the move to middle school. There were very few people who I would say supported me in this endeavor. For some reason most of the people who I told saw their role as being the voice that had to make me realize what a mistake I was making. That is not support if you ask me. The first question was totally predictable, "Didn't I know how obnoxious middle school kids were?" I tried hard to make these people understand my personality is one that craves change, needs it to grow and learn. But it was pointless and a waste of my energy. Perhaps I just don't have the right circle of friends around me. One thing I know is that I never want to break with this reality and suffer the loss of the relationships that matter most to me - my parents, my family, my children, the friends who build me up and create the bridge from challenge to achievement, from crisis back to being in balance. In order to manage this, I have to have the courage to open up and know that a true friend will accept me for who I am. Yes, they may have other suggestions but I won't be judged because of the choice I make. It is simply an issue of trust. I am definitely a work in process.

Final Field Trip

Our final field trip is now history. Our team of students went to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco to make some much needed connections to ancient Indian and Chinese history. Neither of these units were a shiny star in my teaching achievements. I knew very little about either country and it showed. This field trip was not an easy one to accomplish on many levels but now that it is all part of the past, I can look back on it and think happy thoughts. The students present had a wonderful time. It is always the little things that take me by surprise on trips like this. The thrill they have in boarding a big yellow school bus, the joy that is apparent in just leaving school while everyone else toils away, the excitement of riding through Santa Clara, Sunnyvale, Palo Alto and to keep going. I love the little comments that are overheard "I've never been to San Francisco on a field trip", "Is that the beach?" Sixth graders are just still so cute. Our gallery time was set for 11:00-1:00. That meant a very early lunch. We headed across the street to the Civic Center park for a little play time. I noticed the very young equipment and thought, "Oh well, we can just sit around and chat." Was I ever surprised when they lined up behind the baby swings to take their turns swinging and pushing one another. They went down the tiny little slides and clamored together to jump up and down on the bridge. I guess these kids just have not had enough time to play. We had our lunch and headed into the museum. There was lots to see and my group kept grasping onto key words that they had heard before: Chandra Gupta, Vishnu, Pure Land Buddhism. Maybe I wasn't an awful teacher after all. I loved this place because it had all the swords, daggers, and samurai soldiers for the boys and beautiful kimonos and gilded statues for the girls. We gathered together to head back to school with no one missing. Success! The kids were a little more alert on the bus this time around. There were lots of guessing games being played - I'm thinking of a number between 1.4 and 2.4, kids who were fascinated by waving at other drivers just to see if they would wave back and tons of interesting conversations to overhear. I only snatched one cell phone. We arrived back at school for the entire 6th period of PE. So we all headed out with our balls and frisbees and decompressed. I only had to remind them once that there was NO DODGE BALL. Actually, in my heart of hearts, I would give almost anything to give in on that one before the year is over. So, yes this final field trip was a great success. There is just nothing like putting kids out into the real world and watching them figure it all out. So despite all the hurdles in putting this one together, we all came out of it a little wiser.

A New Crop of Teachers

It was my pleasure to attend the convocation of my student teacher from last year today. I have to say that I was pretty amazed to see the number of graduates fill all of those chairs that were set aside. If that isn't the embodiment of hope, I don't know what is. Almost 200 people in just one university are choosing to dedicate their lives to the children of our valley. The pay isn't great and the hours are horrendous. It must be love.

The dean of the department talked about the number of lives the newly credentialed teachers will effect in just their first year. One of of these days I'll have to sit down and do the math of how many students I have taught to date. I'm sure it will be a shocking number and will stun me into once again checking my smart mouth at the door.

I was struck by something else while I was there witnessing this celebration. It was the look of pure happiness on each and every face. This was not a room full of traditional 23 year olds who had the feeling of finally finishing their college careers and were now ready to live their lives. There were many 2nd and 3rd career destined graduates in the group but the look remained the same. It was a glow that transcended anything physical and had to come from deep inside the heart. It was the look of unadulterated hopefullnes, the belief in the the future and the knowledge that whatever life had in store would be the answer to their prayers. Teachers do what they do for tomorrow not today. It is the same trust of a garderner who plants seeds and sends forth the hope of what could be. These graduates clearly believe that this profession which has its big toe in tomorrow is what they have dreamed of for so long. It is so refreshing to see that the dream is still alive.

Its Just A Number

I took part in a lovely little walk in the park this weekend. The weather was perfect and it was a very enjoyable outing with the staff of our middle school. I was given a number to wear just as you would be in any other organized walk/run. But we quickly noticed that these were just a little different. This group had decided to include the runner's age. I am not a person who focuses on her age so I looked down and quickly attempted to do the math. Things didn't add up. I just kept looking at the number. 64? Huh? Clearly there was a mistake but the number stuck in my head. I couldn't seem to let it go. Wow! I look pretty good for 64! Then I started thinking about me at the real 64. What would I look like, would I still be registering for 5 and 10K walks? I could only go there if I thought about the me 10 years in the past. As I thought back it all came screeching into my memory. That was not a good year. At this point in the year, I would have been separated for 8 months, in the process of selling the house and preparing for a move to Texas to put myself back together again. I've come a long way since then. Who knows what lies in store for me in the next 10 years? Yes, my age is just a number but 64 sounds a lot older than 54. It is good that we just take them one year at a time.

Sometimes There is Just No Good Solution

There was another meeting today to plan for the student who my partner teacher has renamed "he who will not be named" just because it becomes exhausting to talk about him ad nauseam. We both have done quite well at keeping things in perspective the past couple weeks. He is given what he needs to make choices about his day and the other students get the best of what we have to offer. But the question still remains, "What now?" What is the plan for the remainder of the year, summer school and placement for next year. I walked out today with the feeling that there is just no good ending here. Retention will do nothing for a change in his attitude. Moving on to 7th grade will simply be more of the same. The other possibilities are that his parents will move him to another school - that would make #7, he'll turn to the dark side or he'll stop coming to school. None of these accomplish our goal. The piece I just can't let go of is that he was told he would not go on to 7th grade unless he turned it around. How does a promotion get communicated to him without him thinking that he has accomplished what he set out to do - absolutely nothing. My words mean everything to me. I don't speak any that I don't mean. I am only grateful that I didn't put the original deal on the table all those months ago.

Yes, middle school is really different. There just aren't many options available to kids who choose not to come to the table. There is no placement other than the regular program until after 8th grade. So the only choice is to fail, go to summer school, fail there and then fail again next year. I'm still not sure about this but it feels like one of those times that I just need to let it go.

I'm Probably a Cynic

It is save for me to now openly express my feelings about Swine Flu. Tonight I heard that schools will be reopening tomorrow because they have discovered that's it not quite the contagious disease they thought it was. Anyone who chatted with me about this topic in the last few days already knows that I did not take it seriously. Quite the opposite. In my classroom you could even hear me blessing students after a sneeze with "swine flu" in place of "bless you."' I like to think that I am slightly irreverent but it is probably closer to cynical. It is rare that I worry too much about government warnings when they begin with solutions like cover your mouth and wash your hands. Don't get me wrong. Having the flu is a terrible thing even though I could probably count on one hand the times I have had it. I only remember 2 of them - one when I was a small child and the other when I was pregnant with Dave. I have always been blessed with good health. I am sorry for anyone who has suffered from Swine Flu and especially for those who have lost family members. But here's the deal; people have been dieing from the flu for thousands of years. And the solution is covering your sneezes and washing your hands. The funniest thing that happened in regards to this was yesterday on our field trip via VTA to Flint Center. As we were preparing to leave one of my students ran up to me and shouted, "Ms. Allen, I forgot my Purell. My mom said to be sure and take it with me today. Can I go to my locker?" Then the rest of the morning I couldn't help but notice how many kids pulled their sleeves down over their hands as they held on to the poles on the bus or railings in the auditorium. I just find things like this humorous. I suppose that really does make me a bit of a cynic.

Public Transportation

I just have to say that I love public transportation. This morning we went on a field trip to Flint Center; it was the second time we have used VTA buses this year. The driving part of field trips has always put me over the edge. I love being there, I just hate the journey. I always worried about parent drivers and I must admit that I had a couple weird experiences in my early years where parents stopped and bought treats for their carload of kids; a few have gotten lost. It just is a lot of worry. When I got to Sutter and discovered the beauty of school buses my worries were over. I loved being on the bus where I could see every single kid. Yes, I know; I have control issues. I have used VTA a couple times over the years but VTA with primary and VTA with middle school is a whole different thing. One of my favorite parts is when you get on the bus with your 30+ kids and you watch every one's face sort of fall in disbelief from the bus driver all the way back to the person sitting in the very last seat. I kind of feel sorry for them losing their peaceful ride to school or work or home but on the other hand, it is good to spread our adolescent energy around. By the end of the ride, everyone is smiling.

A Day Without the News

I am a news junkie. On a normal day I watch it at least twice a day. I read my articles of choice on the San Jose Mercury News website. I get Yahoo Alerts sent to my e-mail just so I can keep up on any big surprises of the day. I love listening to people talk about events of our times and ponder how it will be recorded in the history books. Lately it has become rather mundane. All I hear is the economy is bad, the economy is going to remain bad for several years and tips on how to keep from foreclosing on my house. And then Swine Flu reared its ugly head. Now we can leave feel bad about the economy behind and shoot right into fear mongering. Yes, I know; swine flu is not passed from uncooked pork. I know how to cover my mouth and nose when I cough or sneeze and I'm really good at washing my hands. I guess I hit overload this week when from the moment I turned the TV on in the morning until I headed out the door to work it was reports on swine flu, Obama's first 100 days, swine flu, Wolverine, and a final report on swine flu. Now mind you, these reports were not all exactly the same. The first one was an interview with a doctor who said that 60% of the people that came to his hospital to be tested were negative so don't come unless you're really sick. The next one was a reporter saying that almost half of the people who showed up tested positive. And the last one gave symptoms of swine flu and suggested to the audience that if you think you have it, please get tested. Huh? So yesterday I made a conscious choice to live a day without the news. And guess what. This morning I woke up feeling just fine about my world. Yeah, I'm sure a few people died yesterday and maybe one or two of them even died from Swine Flu. But I didn't have to look at the news anchors' worried faces on my TV screen and listen to those trigger words: pandemic, outbreak, crisis, panic. The world is a fine place. There will always be wonderful and terrible things happening to us as humans. Unfortunately the news only focuses on the negative side. It is up to us to balance it out with the positive. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, I have food, water, shelter and wonderful friends and family to support me and lead me forward. A day without the news is a very healthy thing to do every now and then.

Learning About Me

It is abundantly clear that I have been challenged this year. It has pervaded every aspect of my life. I never dreamed that this jump would have such lasting effects. I am not complaining. I still love middle school. I love the whole notion that I never know exactly what's going to happen in the course of a day. Elementary school was just too predictable for a girl like me. I was in charge and there wasn't much that a 6 or 7 year old kid could do to detract me from my mission of the day. But middle school is another story. They walk in the door and the looks on their faces make it very clear what they can or cannot handle in the next 5 minutes. I am figuring out how to "read" them before I even say hello. I am learning a lot from kids. I'm not only learning about them but also about me. How far will I go to get a kid to smile. Yesterday I actually danced in my classroom for the first time ever. I am not a dancer and usually refuse when asked. It just isn't my forte. But STAR testing was over so why not sing and dance? And yes, they smiled, they laughed and they walked out of the room happy. What could be better than 28 happy kids post-STAR.

This thinking has brought me to the realization of how much I learn about myself through my students. Not the good ones who do the work and are proud of their accomplishments, I'm talking about the ones who are outside the circle. The ones who refuse to go along with the status quot, They challenge me to think deeply about my practice and question what I believe about teaching and my role in the classroom.

I have learned something new about myself every single year of my career because of the kids I teach. I am a reflective teacher and that's when the learning begins. How would I know how strongly I feel about learning without the kids who refuse to do it? When I am frustrated and can't get rid of it I have no alternative but to start thinking about it from the inside out. From those more interesting kids I have learned that I don't like furniture thrown at me or even pencils, for that matter. That's when I call for help and admit that I might not be the best placement for this student. I have also learned that I cannot run after one student and leave the other 19 behind. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. I have figured out that my teaching, despite its importance, isn't always what my students need. There are times that a kid just needs to tear up newspaper or pound clay rather than learn the finer points of the states of matter. Softening the heart comes before expanding the brain. I also know that I don't like being yelled at by students or even their parents. Pointing and shaking fingers are out too. I know that physical violence has no place in the home or classroom. That's why we have police. These more challenging kids are all about drawing a line in the sand for me. They are the difference between philosophy and practice. Yes, I believe that every child can learn but I also know that sometimes there is a huge obstacle that must be removed before it can happen. That might be an alcoholic or abusive parent. It could be a learning disability as a result of a pregnant mother on drugs. Maybe it's the fact that a child's parents are in jail and s/he's being raised by grandparents. There are all kinds of things that can get in the way of learning. It is my job to figure out what's in the way and move it aside. The middle school obstacles are many and some are even a bit humorous - what I'm wearing, how I fixed my hair, my locker is jammed, I feel fat. The increase in obstacles has taught me that much more about myself. My strict/lenient line is definitely flexible depending on the curriculum, activity and whether or not there was a fight at lunch. Things learned in partner and group activities go way beyond standards. Kids need to have the opportunity to learn from one another in the same way that we do. I am lucky enough to have an amazing partner and I learn from her every single day. Chatter in the classroom is not always bad. Talking is how we learn about each other as well as ourselves. Teaching something new everyday has shown me that there is an easy and hard way to do almost anything in life. It's worth putting the time in to find the easy way instead of fighting the hard one. My dad's adage of "Find a bigger hammer," doesn't always work for me anymore. I've also learned that lesson plans or modifications can come from anywhere - dreams, hikes through the woods, chats with friends. I just accept them as gifts from the universe and give thanks.

But the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that we must all be allowed to make our choices and experience the result. It is the only way we can know who we are and who we want to become. Failing a test or a quarter or believing I have failed a kid is simply a moment in time. It doesn't define us as a failure. Every day we are faced with hundreds of decisions that all go together to create a definition of me in this moment. The beauty of it is that they can all be different tomorrow. The person I am is constantly changing as a result of experiences I have. I am a student of the world. I am learning to welcome the lessons that challenge my view of the world without digging my heels in and fighting back. Those are the times when I realize that I might not be who I think I am. Educational theory tells us it is at the moment of dissonance that learning actually begins. The moment that I verbalize, "That's different than what I thought," is when my brain and heart can open up to the possible.

What a Difference a Week Makes

A week ago I was so deep inside my thoughts and reflections I could barely see the sun. I was questioning everything - who am I, who am I as a teacher, who am I as a mother. It was endless. And all because of a student who I believed I had failed. After a couple days of sadness and a daughter who was able to shine a flicker of light inside my very opinionated brain, I started to get it. It wasn't me who failed and it wasn't even about success or failure. I was once again trying to change another person's journey just so it would fit the movie in my head. When am I going to learn that I'm not in charge? So this week I started with a new attitude. It was time to go back to class.. I needed to start watching and learning about HIS journey. What I saw and heard was about the who of this kid, It wasn't about what I wanted him to accomplish or finish or learn. It was about who he is. He comes to school for fun. It's where his friends are. The work is overwhelming so he always comes back to the fun. He is smart and a fast talker. He has always been able to get what he wanted out of school. He has dreams as well as short and long term goals. He wants to be a TA next year. He wants to go to college. He wants to be a lawyer. The fly in the works is that there is no bridge between his view of school today and the lawyer of tomorrow. This week I am finally able to let it go and just start finding ways to bring him inside the circle of learners. I started seeing and relating to him as who he is instead of who I wanted him to be. It's not about my classes, what I teach or the assignments that are left incomplete. It's about him and his view of school. I'm planting a seed and I pray to God that someone else will come along and throw some dirt on it. And then maybe someone else with show up with some water. Then someday, someday that little seed will start to sprout and he'll build the bridge to his tomorrow. He'll know that he is smart and capable and start putting the time in to make those goals his reality. I am still sad that I will not be the one to make the difference in his academic journey but I have to remember that it is HIS journey. Ms. Allen was just a stop along the way.

The Mystery of My Life

The word for today is mystified. There have been more than a few times in my life where a huge obstacle is put in the way of what I perceive to be my path and it changes me forever. I could just be humming along my merry way when, BOOM, the rug is pulled out from under me. I tend to be one of those people who does most of her processing internally so the next thing that happens is that I think and ponder and question and in all honesty obsess about what has just happened and the purpose it has for my life. Then within a very short time it becomes abundantly clear why it has happened and all is made clear. Usually I am way off base on the why of it or the purpose it serves for the future of my life.

I was raised as a Presbyterian, whose strongest tenet is the belief in predestination. The questioning years of my adolescence was the beginning of the break for me with this religious idea. Why would God plan out my life and then sit back and watch it happen as if it was a movie whose script you yourself had written? Of course there is always free will and with someone like me that would certainly shake things up a bit. My recent years have had a stong focus on questioning. What do I want to do, why, who are the people that have the ability to lead me forward, how and with whom do I want to spend my time, what is the quality of life that matches my beliefs about the world? I work hard to be sure that the answers to these questions are the guiding force in decisions I make. Up until this year I had a pretty solid definition of my beliefs about who I am as a teacher. It had been tweaked a few times along the way but for the most part I "knew" that I could reach on some level every kid who ever walked into my room. All that came crashing down on this year. I spent all of Friday and most of Saturday realigning my thinking and redefining who I am as a teacher.

Last night Maria and I saw Jeannette Walls, the author of Glass Castles. This book was one of the most difficult memoirs I've ever read. At the end of every chapter I told myself, "It's OK, I know she lived through this horrendous childhood because she grew up to write this book." So here was this amazing woman standing before the audience telling her story and what she has learned. Her rate and expressiveness of speech was something to behold. She bears no grudges whatsoever against her parents nor the experiences she endured. They all came together to create her view of the world and the end result is that she sees similarities in people and their expereinces as opposed to the differences. The bulk of everything she said spoke directly to my heart about who I am as a teacher. She has achieved everything, everything, she has because of those experiences. No one came along and plucked her up to save her. That was up to her. She had to become a survivor because of the challenges she faced. She was the one that to stand up and fight for herself.

Driving out of the parking lot it all hit me like a ton of bricks. It had happened again. An obstacle had appeared in my path, I had thought and thought and thought about it and now it had been made clear. The question for me became do I have the ability to take events and apply them to what I need to figure out in my life or are those events put in my life to clear up my muddy waters? I believe the latter is true because it has happened so often. Given that belief, how did the universe/God know I was going to need this on April 25 at 8:00 PM. Why did a teacher at Sutter put that book in my hands, why did Maria's book club decide to read it, why did Maria tell me about Jeannette Walls speaking at the Marin Center and how did I come to accept her invitation? The series of events that had to happen for me to be sitting in that seat and accepting what I needed to hear at exactly that moment is overwhelming.

Yes, I am just a bit mystified.

The Wall

Before I even begin this post I have to give thanks once again for my wonderful daughter and son-in-law who have the greatest knack for helping me figure things out on this journey of life. I am definitely the youngest soul among the three of us.

I hit a big fat immovable wall today. Some of it is student related but most of it is me. We have a very challenging student who really has very little interest in the school world. My partner teacher and I have worked hard in the area of motivation throughout the year and mostly to no avail. Time is getting short and there just aren't many days left for a turn around. Today was my day where for the first time I had the notion of utter hopelessness. I am not a teacher who has EVER given up on a kid and I've had some pretty interesting ones in my 19 years. But I guess I'm preparing myself to throw in the towel. This is extremely difficult. #1, it just isn't in me and #2 with my experience in elementary school it simply wasn't possible. How do you give up on a kid when s/he is sitting there all day long and there's only 20 kids in the room? I never had a student I couldn't reach in some way or another so I truly believed that they were all savable. As an elementary teacher, most of them do want to please you so that is a huge step in the right direction. But even those whose relationship with you could wane from time to time, there was always some way to rope them in.

Middle School is different, very different. For one thing the ones that are failing have been failing for a very long time. They have gotten the message loud and clear so it's a pretty fast moving car to try and turn around. We, in middle school, truly are the crossing point for kids who make a decision about the role that school will play in their lives for the next few years. One of the things I realized tonight was that it was one thing for me to teach a 1st or 2nd grader who would one day drop out but it is quite another thing for me to realize that I could be the last stop on the journey. Could a kid walk out of my classroom at the end of the year and never step foot into another one? That is a heavy load for me to carry. Every day is one more step either toward or away from school. Up until today I truly thought I had the power to change any kid that came my way. It turns out that laughter and love are not always enough. My daughter is right. I can set the expectations and offer assistance but I can't do the work for him. He has to want it for himself on some level. Without the internal desire, there is nothing that can be achieved.

For 19 years I have been defining my role as a teacher as that of coach, leader, cajoler, motivator, mom, you name it; anything that would get the job done. Of course I had my share of those kids that would challenge me and the toolbox of teaching strategies I carried around. But I always felt like I had achieved at least some success with every kid that came my way. It is time to change the tape that plays in my head. If someone doesn't want to learn, there is really nothing that I can do to make it happen. At this age, choices are being made. I have to remember that there are all sorts of forks in the road on the journey of a lifetime. Who am I to say that the only way to the finish line is through a diploma at age 18? People who have taken the long way bring all sorts of other gifts that they could never receive without the additional stops along the way. This ah ha has brought me just a touch of peace. I know that I am not the teacher that will ever draw the line in the stand and walk away from a kid but I can make clear my expectations and what I, as his teacher can do to assist him in his search for knowledge. Learning takes 2 people working together to achieve the goal. I can't do it alone.

Earth Day

It isn't often that we are in school on Earth Day because of our regularly scheduled district spring break so I was quite happy to be able to incorporate a little of the real world into my writing class this week. We began with a discussion of Earth Day - what it is, why we celebrate it, where it came from. Of course all that was very humorous especially when my young academics discovered that I was a mere 15 years of age on the first Earth Day. I don't recall it being a very big deal in the heartland of America but as the years have passed I have grown to love it. It's just nice to take a day and recommit myself to the prolongation of our beautiful planet. As a first, second and third grade teacher I always tried to find a way to celebrate Earth Day with a combination of activities that increased students' knowledge of the planet along with a feeling of enjoyment such as sharing a cup of "dirt" along with a few gummi worms. We might paint the blue planet, make posters to remind ourselves of ways to respect our planet, take a tour of a recycling plant or pick up trash around the school grounds. So my expectation for 6th grade was pretty high. I figured they had had at least 6 years of these activities along with exposure to countless public service announcements to build a level of knowledge about numerous strategies to save the planet. I quickly learned that they knew the phrase Reduce, Reuse, Recycle but their written explanations to differentiate between the three processes were pretty vague. Most of them thought that using a water bottle over again was the perfect example of recycling. When pressed about the difference between recycling and reusing I got that funny look that only a 6th grader can make with absolute precision accompanied by a deep resonating "Huh?" So today I gave them my quick but complete explanation of how a plastic bottle goes from the bin they put in front of their house on Wednesday or Thursday mornings to reappearing on the Safeway shelf filled with their favorite sweet drink of choice. As I got to the conclusion of this little saga, a few heads started nodding slowly in that "Oh yeah. I remember hearing this before" rhythm. As we continued the discussion, it became a little easier for them to now grasp the difference between reusing a plastic bottle and repurchasing one that has been here before. Mission accomplished!

This has probably been my most fascinating observation of the move from 3rd to 6th grade. I am constantly caught off guard because I assume a certain level of knowledge based solely on them being in the world for 11 or 12 years. I introduce a topic believing that this is probably the hundredth time that they have heard it and must surely know what I'm talking about but quickly realize that the deafening silence in the room proves to me that once again I am all alone. I readjust my delivery and with only a stumble or two am back on track. I came to middle school thinking I'd be challenged by the ability level and at times that little dream has come true. But for the most part I am reminded that my big 6th graders are still young kids and have lots to learn about this big beautiful world.

Finding What You Need

There has been something big missing from my life over the past many months. One of the things that I know about myself is that I find my spirit in wide open spaces. Hiking is a necessity for me. It is my church, my refuge, my sanctuary. It changes me. I need to be out in the woods to feel better about the world. In looking back over my calendar this school year, it is a missing item. Some things have taken its place - breakfast or lunch with friends, Sunday walks in the park and, sad to say, lesson plans. I am taking a stand here and now. No more weekend lesson plans! I need to get back to nature.

Today I found myself at Edgewood County Park to enjoy the wildflowers. This is an annual trek for me and it usually happens during spring break. There are lots of places where you can see poppies and larkspurs and violets but Edgewood is always a sure bet. It did not disappoint today.

The funny thing about hiking is the minute my foot hits the trail I am changed. Feeling dirt under my feet instantly sends a jolt of energy throughout my body and relaxation to my brain. All thinking about school, house, money or any other senseless worry is instantly removed from my thought processes. What takes its place is simple awe of the beauty around me - the endless deep blue sky, textures of rock formations, hills and valleys that lead my feet ever forward anxiously seeking what is around the next bend. If only I could live my day to day life with that curiosity and wonder. The amazing combinations of colors of wild flowers is such a sight to behold. The yellow and purple floral blankets that are created by viewing them from a distance are almost as beautiful as the close up of the individual blossom. It's that reminder not to forget to keep in balance the wide view as well as the zoom perspective of our existence. There is beauty in both.

Today I was also entertained by the people I encountered on the trail. Each group has its own identity and leaves its print on you whether its a connection to a memory of the past or something you've never encountered before and you just say hmm.... as it passes by. The trail runners can be friendly and courteous as you make room for them or they may not even know you were ever there. The family groups are fascinating. I saw a mom telling her kid that in only 5 more minutes the "hard" part would be over. The child simply stopped in the middle of the trail, glancing at an overhanging limb covered with moss and said "What a cool tree!' We are so busy getting kids through the hard parts that we miss what is here in front of us in this moment. Then there was the family who was hiking along and the 7 or 8 year old boy had lagged behind and was off the trail inadvertently crushing plants as he attempted to walk as slow as is humanly possible. I think I've seen that boy somewhere before. He was sending a message loud and clear and Mom just said, "Hurry up Andrew!" But my favorites of the day were 2 separate couples one a dad and grown daughter and the other a husband and wife. In the first case the dad wanted to know if there were open fields up wildflowers up ahead. I reassured him that, yes indeed, there were while the daughter tried to avoid the uphill trek by telling him that "This was fine. I don't need to see anymore." The final scenario was the wife asking me "Is it up ahead?" to which the husband in his drippiest voice said, "What do you mean IT? This is it." I chatted with them for a moment about the importance of the journey but I don't think she was buying it.

I am grateful to live here in this amazing place filled with so many hiking opportunities. As our California fees and taxes escalate I am reminded of the reason I will never leave. I can't imagine my life with out the things we are given at no expense - sunshine, blue skies, the myriad of shades of green held in distant hillsides, golden poppies and the dirt beneath my feet.

Another List

Things I Love About My Car

First and foremost, it is red, my favorite color. I don't really remember how long I have wanted a red car but I know that it was pre-teaching the kids to drive. And that was a very long time ago. Somehow I was convinced that a driver in a red car would get more tickets. But in all fairness, that was also back in my "speeding" days. When I look at it sitting in my driveway, I still have to remind myself that it belongs to me.

I got everything I wanted. Translation: It has a sunroof.

It's smaller than an SUV and bigger than a Jetta. Goldilocks and I agree that this one is just right. It is still big enough to hold my camping stuff and I can load my bike in the trunk and the fold-down backseats.

I am driving back on the ground again. There is no step up just to get inside my car. While the view from there was good, it was a little unwieldy getting things in and out of the car in one motion. I'm all about efficiency.

The controls are in exactly the same place at the RAV4 so I don't have to learn anything new.

The auxiliary input makes it possible, not only to listen to my ipod but more importantly, I can take Pandora Radio with me everywhere.

It is easy to find in the parking lot. That red just seems to shout at me, "Here I am!"

It is the reminder that I am through moving. No big car will mean renting a truck the next time I get a hare-brained idea to change jobs or towns. That will definitely slow me down long enough to think things through.

I will be saving money. The gas mileage will be better and it is cheaper to insure.

Things I Don't Love About My Car

The Bluetooth doesn't seem to recognize my iphone. Oh well. I'm not a telephone person anyway.

The ash seats. I don't really eat in my car but that color is awfully light. Maybe it will blend better with Jacks fur than the black ones in the RAV4 did.

So, yes, I do love my car - more than I should love any inanimate object. But this is only Day 2. I'm sure in no time at all, I'll be taking her for granted. But for now. I'm a very happy car owner.

Things I Love About Spring Break 2009

1. The color green
At this time of year, everything is bursting forth ready to bloom. My deck garden resembles a little green carpet. It is all I can do not to take my shoes off and wiggle my toes in its green lushness. Even the weeds look good.

2. Time
All my breaks from school bring an awareness of time. This one has made me realize that the more time I have the less I waste. When I am at work I am constantly thinking about things I need to do when I'm not working. Someday I will learn to write these things down instead of having to remember to think about them again when I am not at work so they can be addressed. While I've been home this week I was able to deal with anything that popped into my head and then still had time to enjoy the pleasures of life. It is an interesting thing, the more time I have the less I waste but the less time I have the more I waste. It just doesn't make sense.

3. Watching the rhythm of the world around me
I am fascinated by the view outside my front window. People come and go in their cars on a regular basis. The older people take their walks at about the same time everyday. The sun makes its journey across the sky changing the light patterns inside my house. I am lulled into some sense of relaxation simply by the regularity of it all.

4. Time to face issues of my life with some sense of logic
I am able to address problems that need to be dealt with in my life with something more than a knee jerk reaction. My money/car thing still hangs over my head but I can process it with a little more in-depth reaction. Perhaps it's just the ability to look at things with a broader vision. The world is not coming to an end. I can still afford to eat and drink. I have a roof over my head. And there is even a car in the driveway. If not, that little red bicycle would love to go for a ride.

5. Sunshine
I am a great lover of light. Even despite the high winds of the past couple days, I have deeply enjoyed the longer and brighter light of April in Santa Clara. Recently I have had thoughts that I could live quite happily in Florida where it's lighter for more of the year. Would I miss the changing of the seasons? Would I appreciate the increase in light without the darkness it must overcome?

6. Looking back
Spring break is a time where there isn't much left of the school year so it's a little frightening to look forward. 39 days isn't long to finish off the curriculum that must be done before these kids are sent to 7th grade. So it is a great time to look back at where I started 8 or 9 months ago. I knew so little about middle school coming in, so I am pleasantly surprised to still be so happy about the move up. On one level I feel incredibly lucky to have landed so softly. But I also know that the experiences of my past have prepared me for where I am today. Lucky me.

7. The approval to do nothing
As I get older I give myself the permission to "waste" time. This is not part of my Iowa upbringing so it has been a huge hurdle to overcome. I can know sit on the couch for an hour or so and read fiction. I can sit on the deck for longer than it takes to eat lunch or dinner and just sit.

8. Taking the time to walk
The days have very few scheduled events so I can take the time to walk to the store or the bank or wherever I need to go - even to La Paloma for that Cadillac Margarita with dear friends.

9. Cooking
I take the time to cook breakfast everyday and actually plan a menu for lunch and dinner. I have tried out a few new recipes this week and loved them all. I love the adventure of assembling ingredients and the voila feeling of when it's done. The first taste is a total sensory experience.

10. Reconnecting
I have enjoyed hanging out with my friends and family. Bill's Cafe, the aforementioned La Paloma, Easter Brunch, Barefoot Coffee, phone calls to celebrate birthdays and just because I'm thinking of you. It is that reminder that we were put here together to be in relationship with one another.

I am extremely grateful for all I have been given. Time is clearly the theme of this break. It is all we have and it is up to us to determine how it will be spent. Alone/together Working/playing Sitting and breathing/Walking and thinking I love my job not only for the actual work I do but for the time I am given away from it.
Christmas break,
February break,
Spring break
It is in the time spent reflecting that I can become better at what I do not only at school but in the world. The person I am becoming comes to me in the quiet times. I give thanks for the peacefulness that currently resides in my heart and guides me forward. I am calm. I am serene. I am happy to be in the place at this time.

News From the Shoulder Department

Drum roll please .....
After many days and weeks of preparation, a long awaited goal has been reached. The last few days I have made a conscious effort to pull my shirts over my head when dressing and undressing. I know how ridiculous this sounds but I have discovered that when body parts hurt your brain will find ways of accomplishing things without enduring the screech that inadvertently accompanies extreme sharp pain. Today was the day that I was going to make my first attempt at putting on a back closure bra. So I chose my favorite black number with great excitement and trepidation. It took two tries but I did it! I have to admit that it was not pain free but there was no screech at the end so I know my mission has been attained and every day will just get better. Yahoo!

RAV4 Update

I had a few extra minutes today so I thought I would check on my friend Eddy at SC Toyota and the status of my car. Much to my dismay Eddy wasn't there today. Darn! So in the space of less than 5 minutes I was put on hold 3 times. Eddy's partner, Dan informed me that the water pump didn't come in today but they were hoping it would be there tomorrow. My response, "Are you expecting it tomorrow?" He couldn't actually answer that but thought it would be good if it showed up. The end result was he would check on it in the parts department and call me back. At least he didn't put me on hold again but I didn't plan on waiting around for the phone to ring. So about 2 hours later I got a voice mail saying that he couldn't really get an exact ETA of my water pump but when it was ordered they had said 7 to 10 days and today was day 7. Once again he said it would be good if it came in tomorrow so they could get my car out of there. Hmm... Maybe they're getting tired of maneuvering around my car every day. I wish I could muster up some sympathy for those guys.

The Week That Will Never End

Monday morning came and a smile filled my soul. Just 5 days until spring break. Ahh.... spring break. It is truly my favorite of the year. It is not Easter break, it is all about spring. I rarely leave town on this one because I want to be home to soak up all that the change of the season has to offer. 5 days until spring break - that's it.

Monday was Monday; an almost ordinary day except for the multi-cultural door contest that needed to be planned. My bright spot was the news after lunch that one of our kids had skipped school. Now I only call it "bright" because he decided to stop by school at lunch and share the news that he was skipping school. I guess he had gotten bored hanging out at Safeway, 7-11 and Starbucks, a middle school student's desired destinations. So, yes, his friends all ratted him out. Unbelievable.

After school, I zipped over to meet with one of my new teachers. Then it was back to school to do sub plans for Thursday. Another 6:00 day and home to correct social studies papers.

Tuesday - a teacher in-service day that was spent scoring writing PBAs. Around the 10th one I suddenly realized that what used to be brain appeared to have turned to mush. These are 6th grade 5 paragraph essays on one of two topics - the SCUSD nutritional policy or reasons they should be able to choose their own seats. There are only so many ways that the 12 year old mind can defend those topics. I will admit there were a few that entertained me but for the most part, it was pure drudgery.

This was followed by a 2 1/2 hour IEP meeting. The student is one of my favotites but the mom just couldn't understand what we were trying to communicate regarding progress and his annual goals. I never dreamed that I would ever be using my knowledge of 1st grade reading skills and strategies in a middle school conference. It goes back to what I have always believed about my life. Everything I have ever done was necessary for what I would need when I got to today. There were 3 teachers there and I know that for every topic we covered each one of us had to explain it a different way to achieve even an inkling of understanding. She took copious notes and wrote all over the IEP plan. I truly have never seen anything like it. At 5:30 she said she would take the goals home, revise them and send them back to the SDC teacher. Unbelievable! (Yes. I know I said that on Monday.) When I got home I could not even think about fixing dinner. Like a robot, I opened the refrigerator, took out the leftover mac and cheese and dug in. That was followed of course by a nice Chardonnay.

Wednesday - another IEP at 7:45. This was polar opposite to yesterday's. Mom showed up in her pajamas and a 49er sweatshirt. It was clear she was not in any condition to maintain order in a house that now contains 3 6th graders and a 6 year old, three of which are special ed. I spent my first period prep tweaking my Thursday sub plans, correcting papers and figuring out where I'm going in social studies after spring break. Most of the rest of the day was spent on our "Italian Door." I took time out to address my wayward student who somehow thought it would be a great idea to skip school and then met with another one who chose to throw a racial slur in science class. By lunch I was completely done. But lo and behold, a plate of brownies walked in the room. Yahoo! Maybe I'll make it through the day after all. Then forms for 7th grade schedules were dumped in the 6th grade teacher's laps. They had to be filled out, sent home for parent signatures and returned by Friday. Unbelievable. (I know. I know. I already said that.) The door somehow gets finished and now it's time for our grade level meeting. This was phase two from last week. But this time everyone was present so all the cards were out on the table - ELL, special ed, science, PE and preps. Next on the agenda is a mandatory faculty meeting in honor of STAR testing. If that's not enough we tagged on a visit from the superintendent to discuss the present state of the district budget. Finally the day is over and time to party. We had Lindsey's shower and celebrated the beautiful mommy and baby-to-be.

Tomorrow is Thursday. The social studies doors will be judged. I will be involved in an ELL meeting for most of the day followed by a visit to my other new teacher to discuss her unit summative assessments and evaluate student growth. UGH. After school there will be a multi-cultural food event which I will probably have to miss.

And then it will finally be Friday. Oh, sweet Friday. We will have a shortened schedule in order to end with a multi-cultural performance from some Ohlone Indians and Aztec dancers. And then the week will finally be over

Spring Break, here I come!