A Change in Attitude

The end is near. I can almost taste it. But sometimes, the taste is a little bitter when student behavior does not meet teacher expectations. Yesterday was an awful day - one of my worst. I was just so frustrated that at this point in time, the words I heard coming out of my mouth were still the same. "You don't have your assignment? I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you using your time wisely? Thank you to the people who are listening to directions." And then someone called out those words that I just can't handle. In a discussion about where his research paper might be, which was already a week late, he uttered those 2 little words, "my mom..." Now I have absolutely no idea what he was going to say about the part his mom might play in solving this problem because I LOST it. The strong students could be seen just shaking their heads because they knew what was coming while a few others just looked befuddled. That was the low of lows for me. I could not face another day that would end in a churning stomach, pounding headache and a voice that suddenly shot up an octave without warning. And so today, I walked in the door determined to smile, to laugh and to refuse to respond. And oh, did I laugh. In that laughter, I was able to let it go, let it all go and just take in the words and actions of kids who are left on their own to solve what might seem light unsolvable problems. I reveled in what can happen when standards and expectations are taken out of the equation and adults just let kids be. I had a good, good day and am officially finished with the teaching of these kids. I am letting them go, knowing that I have given them my best, more than I thought was humanly possible to give. And now there are a whole new set of lasts to record.
The last teachable moment - I think that was today.
The last field trip on Thursday.
The last locker check, also on Thursday.
And, most important,the last happy hour on Friday.

The Mark has Been Left

Although I am leaving Buchser after only 3 years, I have managed to leave a mark or two. This year was the year of return parents and requests for siblings. It has become known by parents and teachers alike that The Shark Team is a force to be reckoned with. I also did what I could to get a Buchser garden started. My dreams were big and I can thank Kyle for keeping my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. I prepared and planted the planter boxes on campus and even managed to get the Foods class teacher on my side as well as a 7th grade teacher that was interested in getting a group of her kids involved in a community service project. I had my highs and lows but all in all I felt pretty good about it all. But today I was able to watch my dream become a reality that will last for years to come. A Beautiful Day came to Buchser and Kyle put me in charge of the planting crew. Guys who love to dig in the dirt were thrilled to do whatever popped into my head. Plant beautiful perennials in the music building boxes. Done. Plant flowering trees in the science wing boxes. Done. Plant around the sign and entry way. Done. Add irrigation and trees to the B Quad. Done. It was amazing to watch people who actually know what they are doing do everything that would have taken me months to accomplish. It all made me feel so much better about leaving Buchser with the garden so beautiful. I know the Buchser garden will always be a thing of mine but for now I can let it go knowing that beauty has been left in my footprints.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? That is the question that I have learned to hate. And that is the question that is on everyone's mind. It is a compliment in some ways because it is born out of the realization that I am chronologically too young to be retiring. But I am tired of answering it. I am tired of the silence that immediately follows the question. I never know what to say or what attitude to infuse in the words.

The truth is that I don't really know what I'll be doing. I won't be in the classroom and that's all that is really certain. The rest will be made clear in the process of the days that pass one after the other. But that uncertainty makes people nervous and to be honest, it makes me darn nervous too.

I have several plans and hopefully the mishmash will provide a living in which a family of one girl, one dog and three hens will somehow be able to eat, continue to have a roof over all our heads and maintain the happiness with which we have all become accustomed. But please don't ask me what I'm gonna do. You might be surprised by the answer.

A Bunch of Lasts

This week has been a bunch of lasts. My classroom is finally cleaned out of everything that I am taking with me. My lesson plans are winding down and most of my copies have been made. I have made my last trip to the dumpster with my old files. I have made my last lesson plans. Every time I make the trip to the faculty work room, my brain immediately forms the question, "Will this be the last time I have to do this?" There is still no euphoria and the days are still dragging on. By Friday I feel totally exhausted and by Friday at 1:00 I can't imagine how I could possibly get through 2 more classes. But yet I do. Friday ends; I enjoy every minute of my weekends and on Monday I get up and start all over again. It feels like it will go on like this forever. This is definitely the longest end of the year I have ever had. I just can't wait for it all to be over. I feel sad saying that but it is the truth. I know that a lot of things go into this feeling. I have the most challenging class of my career. We are still being bombarded with budget cut politics. I am tutoring 6 hours a week beyond my regular work week. I am still in the midst of completing paperwork, phone calls and appointments for the next leg of my journey and my mind is never still. I wake up thinking about what I have to do in the next hour, during my prep period, after school and that night. I feel tired just walking out the door. And all I want to do is go out into the backyard and weed or seed or just sit in the sunshine. I know this will end - everything does but I am inclined at this point to just wish the next 3 weeks away, away, away.

What do you really really want in life?

This afternoon I caught the tail end of a conversation between a few teachers in the faculty lounge. It centered around soul mates and romantic love and such. When asked why I wasn't participating I avoided it all by simply saying that I had indeed had a great love that had unfortunately faded but I certainly didn't regret any of it. I'm not looking for romance. So then I was asked what I really really wanted in life and my response was "nothing." These ladies were definitely taken by surprise and simply responded that I must be very content. Yes that is the word for me, content. It is the reason that I am able to walk away from a well paying job and set my sail to the wind and trust that I will be taken to new and wondrous experience. I'm not wishing for anything because I have it all. I am surrounded by family and friends who understand and love me. I am healthy beyond belief. I live in one of the most amazing climates in the universe where I can grow my own food. I am surrounded by indescribable beauty everywhere I look. What more could a girl want?

What a Week

It has been quite a week. I have somehow managed to teach reading and writing amidst the administration of the STAR test and a whole bunch of other things that need to happen if I am going to have a future in child care. I filed for a fictitious business name, opened a business checking account and completed the on-line orientation for a state home child care license. The license application is in process and should be completed before I go back to work on Monday. I am living with one foot in the present and the other foot in August but my weight is definitely leaning forward. There is certainly enough to keep me focused in school with ending the year and finishing up a unit on myths, doing a final literature circle set of novels and somehow writing a research paper together. But my heart is dreaming dreams of all that is possible in the next stop on the journey. I both love and fear the unknown ahead. I worry about the money piece but know that all the rest is going to be filled with new and unforeseen ways to learn, love and grow along the journey.

What I Learned in Middle School

I have no doubt that I was called to middle school for some very specific life lessons. Three years is pretty short period of time to learn all that I have. I still vividly remember coming to this very school for a meeting in my early days in public school and being absolutely astounded at the language and behavior I witnessed. I could not imagine how anyone could work in such an enviromnet. And yet, 5 or 6 years later I found myself standing up in front of these very students attempting to hone my art of teaching.

I have learned to conquer the fear of ugly looks and cruel language. I know now that a smile can disarm almost anyone. I was clearly put here to spread happiness and to let kids know that someone else in the world cares about them as people, the people they are today and those they will become.

I have learned to simply act like I am in charge. Even though my stomach is flipping out of control, my face and voice can command beligerency into comformity.

I have learned how to teach, really teach. First grade is like being on vacation compared to the work that goes on in the secondary level. There is the incredible challenge of motivation, in addition to senseless harrassment, content standards, grading 70 essays over weekends and meetings, oh the meetings.

I have learned to be a little fish in a big pond. At times I have felt completely invisible. Being on a staff of 70, that is not hard to imagine. Compare that with my first year of teaching when I was one of 11. I learned quickly to be quiet and find my group.

I have learned that cake can win the hearts of any staff member. It melts the well-know sarcasm of a middle school teacher like butter on a hot knife. Yes, I have become known more for my cakes around here than my teaching ability.

I have learned that respect comes from doing. People are watching and noticing who you are in your words and actions all the time. I have been pleasantly surprised by comments that people have made about me and my dedication to teaching. And I thought no one had noticed.

I have learned that a good teaching partner can make all the difference in the world. And mine was the best! She made me a better teacher, mother, grandmother and human being. If anything would have kept me in education it would have been the opportunity to continue to grow professionaly and personally with her at my side.

I have learned that middle school kids are above all else just kids. I have learned to laugh with them, cry with them and have enjoyed every single day that they were lovingly entrusted to my care.

I am now just a bit wiser, and definitely more patient and loving than I was when I walked through the door of B-15 three years ago. It has been a fruitful stop along the way. I am grateful for all that I'm taking with me - the power of listening that leads to true understanding, the art of self-reflection, and the knowledge that the "kid" in each of us is always there. Sometimes it gets hidden by pain and fear but a smile can almost always bring it out again to laugh and play another day.

The Beginning of the End

I am extremely aware of the limited time that is left in my career as a public school teacher. Much of that is positive. I enjoy knowing that everything that I do is the "last" whatever - the last open house, the last progress report, the last STAR testing. Today I received an e-mail from a parent that warmed my heart. He was concerned about his child's failure to live out his full potential in the classroom. He included a series of questions that really made me think about his child and I thoroughly enjoyed responding to his queries. If I were staying in the profession, I might find a way to include them in our back to school packet because this is what it is all about.

What are my child's weaknesses? What are some examples of each weakness?

Does my child speak or ask questions during the class and in any of the classroom activities?

Are there any classroom relationships or situations which I need to be made aware of?

Have you noticed any changes in behavior that I should be concerned with? Is my child complaining of having trouble seeing the board or does my child seem sleepy?

Does my child work up to his/her potential?

How does my child approach test taking?

What are some of the upcoming subjects the students will be studying, and how might we support these units from home?

Is my child turning homework in on time?

Is there an action plan we can develop to keep improving my child's progression?

Now to add to this joy was the parent's response to my reflections. He commiserated with us about the lack of support we receive from most parents and then intimated that our personal knowledge of his son demonstrated that we truly were amazing. It was a wonderful compliment and so nice to know that there are people out there who have an inkling of how difficult this job really is.

The birth of a work in process

Here is the beginning of what shall be.

Titles and Credentials

We are known by many titles and our life is chronicled by the documents we collect. This week I have had the need to locate several of them. This is the me I have been, am, and shall be.

Daughter
Granddaughter
Great Granddaughter
Niece
Cousin
Sister-in-law
High school diploma
Aunt
Bachelor of Arts
Wife
Daughter-in-law
Clerk
Mom
Teacher's Aide
Day Care Worker
Administrative Assistant's Assistant
Multiple Subject Credential
Teacher
Special Education Credential
Master of Arts
CLAD certificate
Grandma
Licensed Child Care Provider

I take pride in each and every one of them, knowing that they are what brought me to the joy I feel in this moment.

A Redefinition

This spring break has been brought to you by a lot of thinking, reflecting and one big aha! I made the decision several weeks ago to resign my position as a public school classroom teacher. I endured the shock and wide variety of responses from my peers that came as a result of that announcement. I have listened and taken in for my own evaluation their responses about that decision and their advice for my future. There comes a time when all the input must stop and something must happen in order to put that first foot out in front of the other. The process of getting to that point has been much more difficult and time consuming than I ever imagined. But I suppose that is what happens when you put the universe in charge and you simply allow life to take its own course. For several weeks now I have played out scenarios in my mind. Every day I would wake up to a new one and I would sit with it for a day or so. There was no controlling the thought process; it seemed to have a life of its own. I knew I had let go of it all when I "decided" I would just go back to parochial school. Now this was not just a passing thought. I actually went to the office, picked up an application, filled it out AND wrote the essay. Why? Because the question that kept recurring over and over again is who am I if I am not a teacher? This is what I have done for 21 years and what I had always dreamed of doing long before I did it. I am that person whose what is directly connected with her who. I have reinvented myself several times in that span but never have I gone about redefining that me. So my big AHA finally occurred while hanging out with my 11 month old granddaughter. And a child will lead them... The voice in the back of my head said, you ARE a teacher and you are doing it at this very moment with the most important human being in your life. I am teaching this baby girl what love is, I am teaching her how to define herself in the context of the world, I am teaching her how to manipulate her environment and to love herself. What could be more important that? So I finally got it. I am a teacher and will forever be one. I simply will choose to do it on my terms. And my right foot slowly slid in front of the left. The brain stopped thinking and began planning.

Student Success Story

At our English Department meeting today we ended with everyone sharing a student success story. This is not a bad thing to do at this point in the year when we all feel so defeated and drained of any cognitive thought.

A "student unnamed" is my shining light this year. He is thrilled to be learning and growing. It shows through in his eyes and the energy he brings to the classroom each and every day. He brings happiness through the door. I discovered a few months ago that he responds directly and completely to student models. If he sits with players, he's a player. When he sits with workers, he's a worker. He now has gone begone mimicking behavior of his neighbors and is picking their brains. He asks questions of his table partners and really wants to know how to get that A. He is a risk taker and is not afraid to ask the "I don't understand" questions with 32 sets of eyes on him. His growth this year has brought me incredible joy and a deeper understanding of how to use the evil of pre-adolescent peer pressure for good.

People Can be So Entertaining

I am currently at a crossroads in my life. It is time to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my work world. One of the challenges of living alone is not having anyone to sound things off of. I often wonder if I am being kind of nutty when after a rough day, the only thought that rolls through my head is, "That's it." So after the rough days turn into weeks and months you just begin to wonder about what is next. I sent an e-mail to my tightest support circle with my thoughts and options. Some responded with positive comments but most remained silent. Yes, I know that I can be rather opinionated but I was actually asking for advice this time. So I put in the work to really looking for information that would help me make a decision about the next step. So now, I'm at the point where I'm pretty darn certain about what needs to happen for my personal health and happiness but as I move out in those concentric circles of support the response is very different. I think that if they could say 'You're wrong" they would. These are people who really have no idea what my daily experience is like and what I'm talking about. But yet they believe they know what the right path for me is. These are the same people that told me not to make that move to Texas after my divorce. Although the move to Texas was a short one, I wouldn't replace it for anything in the world. Those 5 months were filled with learning about myself - who I am, who I was, who I was becoming. They were priceless. They are what taught me where "home" is. So part of me is very entertained by these responses. I am reminded of how different I am from the masses. I am not afraid of personal challenges or the thought that I could be poor for a while. I might have made a pretty good Spartan all those centuries ago! I love change and am eager to see what might be coming around the next corner. Yes, it makes me a tad bit nervous, but I do not flinch from those butterflies in my stomach. I know that that is where my growth will come. I try hard not to react to their words of concern because I am that girl that has always taken the other side just to be contrary. So for today, I am still absorbing thoughts and advice from others as long as it feels positive and not judgmental. But I am also leaning pretty hard toward a new path and am eager to see where the journey takes me.

Open House

Last night was Open House. With the move to middle school, this has become an almost enjoyable evening. Elementary students' parents are so concerned about the next year that they can't focus on the present. Open house always felt more like an on the spot interview from prospective parents than a look at what your kid did today. Middle school parents don't show up in droves the way that elementary parents do but the ones who are there are extremely complimentary. They take the time to say thank you and tell you how amazing you are. That was a very nice feeling coming on the tail end of a very difficult week. It is also a time for me to put two and two together. More than once last night, I thought to myself, "Oh that's why Suzie is like she is." It is a great look inside the relationship between parent and child. Very amusing and extremely enlightening.

Peace From Quiet

Life has been at turbo speed lately. Lots of stuff going on at school, preparations for the trip to Florida for Grandpa's birthday and then coming back to clean up the messes in my absence both at home and at school. Today was one of those rare days where I had nothing scheduled and was able to call it my own. I did the stuff around the house that had to be done in the morning and then had the pleasure of thinking about what I wanted to do. I chose to read. What a gift to just have quiet in the house. I sometimes get so wrapped up in the noise of TV that I forget how nice it is to hear nothing but my own thoughts. This is something I am thinking of in making decisions about my future. I know that I am phasing out of my career as a classroom teacher and with that will come a huge hole in socialization. If I make the move to tutoring my only connections to the outside professional world will be my students and their parents. It is not a deal breaker, just something that will come with the territory. I am not one of those people that really needs a lot of contact but it is interesting to think about where I will fill that need, should it occur. One of the thoughts that popped into my head today was the myriad of feelings that occurred the year I was laid off from my job. I literally did not know who I was without a teaching job. It was how I defined myself and my entire life became a house of cards without it. I don't think that will happen this time simply because it is my choice this time around. But it is good to mull around all the pieces that go into my life before I cut one of them completely out. Another funny thing has popped up. It occurred to me that next year will be my 22nd year of teaching - the same exact number of years that I was married. That must mean something. 22 is clearly my line of demarcation! It makes me wonder what will be next. Home ownership perhaps? Or maybe I'll just be doing my next career for another 22 years. I just love what pops us when the mind isn't full of other things.

Happy Birthday Grandpa

March 2 is the birth date of 2 wonderful men, Dr. Seuss and Don Allen. Every year for my grandfather's birthday I write him a letter sharing how important he is to me. This year has been a challenge. For one thing, I've been doing this since he turned 95 and now at a whopping 103, I have run out of themes and metaphors. My heart is still full of love and gratitude for this amazing man but somehow the words haven't come together as nicely this time around as they have in the past. But, nonetheless, here is the current edition.

Happy Birthday Grandpa! Those have become three of my favorite words. But of the three words, of course, the best is Grandpa! The word Grandpa has become synonymous with love. Just saying the word increases my heart rate, I get a little light headed and I feel warm and fuzzy all over. It brings to mind the endless number of memories I have of you, starting from my first few years of life up to and including today.

As your birthday approaches my mind and heart merge as one and I begin thinking love. Months in advance travel plans and arrangements are made to leave my home and classroom behind. All I can think about is how lucky I am that I have one more chance to celebrate your birthday. The thought of Grandpa’s Birthday Hug overpowers almost any obstacle.

There can never be enough of your birthdays for me. I no longer think about your age or the idea that you are getting older. It is just another number that is added on each year and another chance for me to be in your loving presence. I believe that you are with us here today because we all still need you. We are simply not ready to let you go. I, for one, am still learning the secrets of life from you. My most recent venture into egg production has made that abundantly clear. You were one of my primary sources of information about raising chickens and it turned out that, once again, you were the expert. You beat out every chicken internet website and California urban farmer that I spoke to. Your words to me when my chickens laid their first eggs in the dark days of late December will forever ring in my ears. “Tere, you’ve got to learn to listen to me.” Yes, Grandpa, you’re right, I do need to remember to listen to you. You still have so much teaching to do and I am still that little girl, looking up into your eyes, knowing that your words are some miraculous combination of love and wisdom all wrapped up into one. Your stories, your advice and your wisdom continue to guide me. I am honored and blessed to still be learning from you and loving every minute of it. And today, I have the great pleasure of giving you your 103^rd birthday hug.

Family

A week ago I was hanging out with my sister. For most people that sentence wouldn't have any merit one way or the other. Most people have their family close to them and can hang out with them whenever they want. It is not so with my family. Somehow we have all ended up scattered to the wind. I live my life and try hard to ignore the fact that my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and any other extended relatives that exist can only be accessed by phone or e-mail. As I get older, I miss them more and more. I know that all of our days are numbered and I try to cherish the moments that we can spend together. I can get my act together and show up for a 60th birthday party that is planned months in advance. But what I miss most are the everyday moments. The "why don't you meet me for coffee/lunch/dinner" moments that happen in the everyday life. Or the "let's go for a walk" moments that I live out every week with my friends. It is just the way it is but I hate to accept things because that's the way it is. I love being close to my kids and now my granddaughter but I miss the other part of my existence. It's like I have the present and future but the past is simply a vacuum. I go to visit it but it is not a part of the me I am or will become. Nothing will be done about it beyond the acknowledgement of this emptiness that I feel.

The Thing About Primary

Primary kids - I just keep coming back to them. They are where my career began and I can't seem to get them out of my system. Opening the door to early reading is at the core of my heart of hearts. There is just nothing like it. I love the openness of primary kids. They tell you everything. They are proud, so very proud of everything they do. Describing their strategies is just part of the ongoing conversation. They are so happy being who they are and that smile that follows the decoding of a tricky word is golden. You can take it to the bank and rest assured that they will too. Every success moves to the asset side and the debits are simply ignored. I met with my first tutoring student tonight and it all came flooding back. I love primary reading and writing. I left elementary because I became bored with the content. But, in all humbleness, I would make an amazing primary departmentalized reading and writing teacher . I am a natural. I know exactly where to go next with beginning readers. I don't think that I can say that for my middle school readers and writers. The holes are little pin pricks that I am constantly trying to plug before the dike collapses. They work incredibly hard to cover up the blemishes so that no one can see that there is a problem let alone shed any light on what it might be. So for now, I will continue on with the challenges that broaden my horizons in middle school and add on the little ones that renew my love of teaching. It's a bit like an amazing main dish for dinner that is followed up with a melt in your mouth dessert. It's the combination that satisfies you and keeps you coming back for more.

Getting Outside of Myself

One of the things that I know that I need to do to feel better about life is to get a bigger picture. I have lived a pretty darn sweet life. I have always had what I needed and more. I make enough money to live in just the house I always dreamed of. I have children that love me and still have 2 generations beyond my own to continue modeling the wisdom of the universe. My life is sweet. At different times, I have tried volunteering because I have known that I needed to get a bit out of my comfort zone to appreciate all that I have been given. The efforts have been short term and I eventually leave them along the roadside. This weekend I was reminded of that need. I had dinner with Grandpa Bunt and loved every second of being by his side. He is such a wonderful man and I know that he is lonely living on his own for the first time in his 78 years. We enjoyed dinner together, lots of laughs and good conversation. We both left better than we came. Today I went to visit a friend in the hospital who is dealing with all sorts of complications from some crazy rare strand of cancer. She has had a colostomy and lots of lung issues. It reminded me of course of how precious life is but also of how the presence of another being can bring such joy. I was so happy to have had the time this weekend to share with these two fabulous human beings and know that my gift of time is more than I could ever put into words in a greeting card or wrap up in a box. This is a tiny hole in my life, ways to give back in some small way all that I have been given. I will ponder this for a bit. I know that everything I experience is meant as a life lesson and Ray and Carol were placed in the center of my road this weekend for the most important of reasons - to remind me that there is more than work and home and family and pets. There are people out there who need something as simple as just to see me show up.

Laughter Makes All the Difference

One of the brightest stars in my sky is my granddaughter. Sometimes when I look at her I have the thought that everything in my world has changed. She brings me a joy that I don't think that I have ever felt before. It is a whole new world and the sun that rules it is laughter. The simplest things make me laugh. I watch every new thing that she can do and say and am filled with pride and happiness. This past week, watching her frolicking in the bath tub, I was laughing out loud with a sound that came from deep down inside and I felt as young as I had ever been. It is such a gift for me to just be in this place at this time and none of it is lost on me. I am never too busy or stressed to hang out with Callie. It is always time well spent and I am always better and wiser and happier after being with her. Lucky me!