Thanksgiving

It feels very strange not cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year but the extra time allows me the time to think about the purpose behind the holiday, giving thanks.

Top 10

1. My family. I am grateful for each and everyone of them from my 101 year old grandfather to the grandchild who is on her way. They continue to guide me along this journey and through my joys and sorrows helping me become the best that I can be.

2. My friends. Many of my friends have become synonymous with family. They are the safe place where I can be who I really am with no concern of judgment.

3. My house. It is much more than a shelter; it is my refuge. In year 3 of the remodel, I still smile the minute I walk through the door every single day.

4. A job that renews me everyday where I am respected for all that I bring to the table be it strengths or challenges.

5. The ability to live in northern California where everything is beautiful every day of the year.

6. My dog, Jack who is the true embodiment of unconditional love.

7. My good health both physical and mental. I have felt a glimmer of my impending age and witnessed the pain of mental imbalance. My health is the #1 thing that I take for granted until it is lost.

8. Clean air and water on our beautiful planet Earth

9. Food, especially cheese and chocolate

10. Love from all those who have touched my life in little and giant ways teaching me over and over again that I am worthy of it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Wake Up Call

This week has been one of those when I have realized that I was put on this earth and placed on this path for a specific reason. I am here to support kids. Along the way I do a little teaching but it's really about supporting kids. That support comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it's a little kick in the rear to jump start their academic career and make them realize it's all up to them now. Mom isn't here to hold your hand or help you figure out what you think or why you think it. It's your turn to stand up for what you believe. At other times that support looks a lot like counseling; questioning, giving choices, leading them to new ways of looking at the world. But most often that support looks a lot like mothering. Sometimes that's all we can do is just show these kids that they are loved for who they are and share the vision of who we believe that they can be.

I've said many times this year that my current team of students are quite a pleasure to teach. I personally believe that 99% of that is attributed to me having a sliver of an idea of how to go about teaching middle school English. Although it is an amazing group of kids there are several who are clearly in need of our loving support. There is one who definitely has issues with impulse control that has resulted in some academic issues. Then there is one with serious anger management challenges. We also have a little group of girls who have made some less than productive choices about attendance. Sometimes that's tardiness and others it's not showing up at all. Then there is the girl who challenged me on her class report card which has led to a much better relationship between the two of us. The magic potion on most days is simply a smile and greeting from me as she enters the room. There is the girl who was caught, in the words of the counselor, sucking face with a boy but evidently a little more than kissing was going on. I have a student whose mother thought I was humiliating her kid who I am just now beginning to soften up around. And now there is a student who following a call home thought he would get away with calling me a liar. Too bad about the invention of the speaker phone. We also have a student who I believe is clinically depressed who if left to his own devices would literally do nothing all day. And finally today was the revelation about a student who is living among drug sellers, according to rumor has a 19 year old boy friend and has been avoiding school.

Where do you put all this while going about the business of teaching the state standards of English Language Arts? This all comes before anything else. The smile, the how are you doing, the it's nice to see you today, the what do you need right now, the tap on the desk to reboot the brain. But what is more stunning than realizing that the face of illegal neighborhood drug sales and mental illlnes is sitting in my classroom is listening to the way that some other teachers respond to it. There are days that the hardest thing I do is have lunch in the faculty room. Kids are called names; lazy, slugs, rocks. They are ridiculed. They are kept from learning because of an over indulgence of punishment for a silly thing like chewing gum. I'm not sure how these teachers come to work everyday if they think so little of the students in the chairs. I am blessed to be working with a partner that is like minded. It could be a very lonely job without her.

So tonight while I am lying in bed as my brain unwinds and before I drift off to sleep I will "see " these kids in my mind and think once more about ways to support them, ways to give them what they need that they are not getting anywhere else. These are the faces of middle school students today; truancy, mental illness, illegal drugs, gangs, sexual behavior, language barriers. It is overwhelming on one hand but so simple on the other.

Joys in Life

On the 28th of November I will celebrate the anniversary of one of the greatest joys of my life, the birth of my daughter. Your first child is such an unbelievable experience. I didn't think anything could ever compare to the state of euphoria I felt. Then we took her home and the fun really began. Your heart sings with every new accomplishment. I'm talking about little things like a smile, or a turn of the head as she recognizes your voice, her outstretched arms as she reaches out for the first time. Being a mom was and still is the greatest thing I ever did. Then my baby grew up and I once again experienced that pure joy when I watched her get married. Those are tears that took me by utter surprise. I didn't realize how emotional it would be to watch your child promise herself to the man of her dreams. She had found her great love and was ready to begin her happy ever after. What more could you ask for?

And now here I am again experiencing joy I never saw coming. But this one will last a long long time. My baby is becoming a mama and I am constantly being taken by surprise with feelings of joy. Even though I knew every step of the journey I was still overcome with emotion when they made the announcement that there would be another C-G in the world. At the time I told her I couldn't wait to see her all round but I had no idea how true that would become. I love listening to her talk about the pregnancy, the baby, and the family they are becoming. I love just looking at her and marveling at the life she is creating. Every time I see her, she looks different so as we hug our farewells, I hold her just a little longer than I used to so I can hold on to the image, much like I did as she was growing up. I had no idea it would be so much fun to watch your daughter become pregnant and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything grandma related. It's all about her. I'm not sure I know what all of it is but I know there's something to sharing the stories of motherhood. It is a bond that women share that is hard to put into words. I just feel so lucky to be able to share it with my baby who is going to be such a wonderful mama. I can't imagine the emotions that will erupt the first time I see her holding their beautiful baby in her arms. That must be the greatest thing a mother can ever see, motherhood being passed on and knowing the joy that she is feeling because I have been her.

I've Got Opinions

People who see me at work every day and even some that see me on weekends know that I have been challenged by my reading intervention class this year. We had a meeting on Tuesday of all the intervention teachers with some very interesting results. We did all the ordinary things - group discussions about strengths and challenges, recording them on the chart, planning future units, talking about grading policies and time to meet in school teams. It sounds ordinary but I had a lot of ah ha moments. I tried to air them with the district guru but it didn't seem to go very far. She just told me to write a letter. The last time I wrote one of these letters, it was about the district's failure to close down a school during a horrendous storm and localized power outage. It took a while but eventually a mea culpa and apology was made. OK. You want a letter? Here it is... I doubt it will get any results but I sure do feel better now:)

Dear "Powers That Be,"

I would like to thank you both for the opportunity to be a part of the district implementation of Read 180. For a teacher, there is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you are involved in something that has the ability to change kids’ lives. It’s the reason we enter the teaching field in the first place and it sustains us throughout our careers.

On November 10, 2009 I attended a Read 180 meeting where we were given the time to sit down together and share our experiences, plan units, and meet in site based teams. It was an opportunity for the Read 180 teachers within our district to be able to discuss with each other our successes and challenges. This being the first year of implementation, there have been many hurdles to overcome. I have appreciated the support at both the local and district level.

Read 180 has not been my first experience with reading intervention programs. My introduction to the educational profession was as a first grade teacher where the teaching of reading is paramount. It wasn’t long before I began searching for a reading intervention and became involved in developing a first grade program for the Diocese of San Jose. So when the opportunity to be a part of a secondary reading intervention presented itself, I couldn’t resist. Part of that was curiosity about what a middle school reading intervention would look like and part of it was the desire to be involved in something life changing.

My experience with Read 180 has had its ups and downs. The greatest difficulty for my students and me has been time. Buchser has attempted to keep all the pieces in place in order to make a difference in our students’ lives. The pieces are many; scheduling a balanced academic curriculum for each student, maintaining the students in a regular English Language Arts class and somehow finding the time in the day to allocate for Read 180. The result has been that students are in a 50-minute ELA class as well as 70 minutes of Read 180.

With this in mind, I must admit that I learned a lot at the district meeting. I was surprised to discover the variety of ways that Read 180 has been and will be implemented throughout the district. While I understand the necessity of site based decision making and the importance of a program that fits the needs of the students it serves, we have announced to our communities that we are teaching Read 180. That title means something. Anyone with Internet access will quickly discover from the Scholastic website that Read 180 is a 90 minute daily reading intervention. They back this up with research and a variety of ways to get to 90 minutes but the options all total 90. The reality is that within our district there are a variety of ways Read 180 is being taught. Some schools have replaced their ELA class with Read 180 but others have kept their ELA program in tact while trying to piece together minutes in a day that will come close to but not quite add up to 90. The result cannot help but be two very different experiences for the students and teachers alike.

If we as a district truly hope to close the achievement gap for these students, instruction in an ELA class in addition to the intervention is a piece that cannot be compromised. Research has shown time after time that successful interventions are a result of best teaching practices in a language arts class in addition to an intervention class. We know this. This is true of Reading Recovery, as well as our own RIS program and Soar to Success. It is tempting to think that Read 180 can do it all but the mathematical truth is that the growth a student will make in a year’s time in a 90 minute class cannot compare with that made in a 50 minute ELA class in addition to the 90 minute intervention.

What may appear to be a time issue, under closer investigation, quickly becomes a money issue. The elementary reading interventions in our district have been successful for two reasons, teachers were hired for the distinct purpose to work with students and classroom teachers and additional time has been dedicated to reading instruction. The reason middle schools are making choices that dilute the 90-minute Read 180 intervention program is that additional teachers have not been funded for the distinct purpose of teaching the intervention class. Money and time are the two variables in education that cannot be ignored. We cannot substitute 140 minutes of daily instruction in an ELA and intervention class for either a 90-minute stand-alone intervention or 120 minutes of an ELA and a compromised intervention class. Likewise, we can’t schedule an extra class for a teacher without affecting the rest of the school’s master schedule. There appears to be no other recourse than to hire teachers for the dedicated purpose of teaching the reading intervention class.

Reading interventions are by their very nature investments in both time and money. But more than that, they are an investment in our students’ futures. Teacher positions need to be funded for the purpose of this reading intervention so that the Read 180 program can be incorporated according to its design. I would love the opportunity to be a part of implementing a reading and writing curriculum that includes best teaching practices in both an ELA class as well as a 90-minute intervention class. I am hopeful that after analyzing the results of this first year of our secondary reading intervention, that we as a district will dedicate both the time and money necessary to give our students the best future possible.

Are these as funny to other people as they are to teachers?

How to fail a test with dignity:

Student Report Cards

I have had one of the most interesting experiences of my career this week. My partner teacher does an activity with our students where they grade their classes. They give each class a letter grade and write a comment about how it is going for them. The comments have been fascinating to read, think about and discuss with the authors. We are all about being the best teachers we can be for each one of our students. Our job is to create a successful learning experience for each and every one of them, without concern for their specific abilities or attitudes. This is one of the greatest avenues possible for making that a reality. The comments had a very wide range. They went from "You're great" to "I love the stories about your dog" to "Thinking about what to write is hard but I've never been good at writing anyway" to "You talk too fast" to "I need you to check in with me." There were two that really challenged me; one could not back up his attack so it has been negated in my mind but the other one definitely called it as she saw it. Our conversation was one of the most frank discussions I've ever had with a student. The fallout is that I am much more aware of her needs. I look for her eye contact when directions on being given and know that is making me much more efficient. There is no longer the need to answer the endless stream of questions that quickly irritate me and make me appear "impatient" and "strict." The end result of this activity is that the connection to our students is better than ever. They know we really do care what they think and are willing to make changes in individual relationships so that everyone can be successful.

Mission Accomplished

From the very beginning of my teaching career, making it to Halloween has always been an accomplishment. In the early days of first grade, it took that long for kids to get down the routines and for me to have a handle on who the characters would be. It also meant that I had gotten past parent conferences and survived Halloween itself. And that was no small feat when dealing with 6 year olds and sugar was involved. The years have past and I have moved up the grades until I find myself dealing with not 6 year olds but 6th graders. Halloween however remains my signpost that now all will be well. This year is no exception. I have taken on the challenge of teaching a reading intervention class in addition to developing a 6th grade reading curriculum. I am not unhappy about either of these, it is just a challenge. Despite the extra time and energy I need to remind myself that I am much happier being immersed in reading and writing than I was last year in writing and social studies. I am grounded once again in my love of language.

Today was the school world's celebration of Halloween. It was fascinating on so many levels. First is the costumes. Everyone should at one time in their life be on a middle school campus for Halloween. It's just fun. The personalities or perhaps their wished for personalities come out as big as life. They are just happy to be alive. And yet they are still able to conduct themselves in an academic manner. I don't do many videos in my classroom but I do try to incorporate the holiday into learning activities. You can't really ignore it when they walk in with big hats or wings or flapping capes.

I was also reminded today of one of the silly reasons I love middle school; the kids who are there leave and a new group comes in every hour. Today my partner and I switched things around so she could go to her daughter's school Halloween parade. The result was that I had the same group of kids for 3 periods - more than half my day. I did my best to smile and greet them with enthusiasm each time but I was reminded of my elementary experience of having the same kids all day long. There wasn't anything wrong with it at the time, but after being in middle school I have discovered that I like the change throughout the day.

So here we are at another Halloween, the crossroads of the school year. The worst is over and is a memory and the best is yet to come.

Fluctuating Standards

The Reading Intervention class has had an interesting effect on my usually solid standards of behavioral expectations. If principals from my past could observe me in the READ 180 classroom, they would need additional proof that the woman in front of the classroom is actually me. I am now in the business of making all kinds of deals to get kids to do what they need to do. I have become more flexible than I ever imagined possible. And, yes, it is beginning to produce effects. I suppose the primary one is that these kids are finally starting to believe that I care, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I will do anything for student success. The curriculum has become more predictable for them so they now know what is coming as we work our way through each unit. I still have a couple student challenges to overcome and I cannot predict the way it will all fall out when it's over. They will either be gone and replaced with other Far Below Basic students with a better attitude about life or we will continue this dance of making deals, enduring consequences, and making more deals. It is exhausting and stressful just thinking about what those two boys have in store for me on a day to day basis. I can let it go after second period but I seem to relive it every night before falling asleep. Sometimes I try it with a different ending just to get myself reading for the next day. The next morning I am able to put it on the back burner until I am heading out the door for the Read 180 classroom. Then the stress finds a home in my shoulders and I try to prepare for what lies ahead. If only I could figure out what that was before it hit me smack between the eyes. This week my most challenging student said to me, "I'll just do the rotation. I don't want to cause problems for you." WHAT? I was absolutely stunned. And then the other shoe dropped. He suggested that he might like to go to SSR to work on the class Red Ribbon Week poster. So we made our deal. He did his small group and computer work and I sent him off with a smile. We were both very happy with the results of the deal. But when asked what his plans were for the next day, he was very non-committal. So this was not the win that I thought it was. We'll just see what tomorrow brings.

The Reason People Leave Teaching

This morning I came in early to work to get a jump on next week. Instead I was confronted with a letter written by a parent to the vice principal. This letter was a scathing attack on me with a claim that I had been physical with her son on two occasions, that I was biased and had humiliated him in front of his peers. I was absolutely stunned. I have gone from shock to hurt to anger. The letter has settled in my stomach feeling like a solid punch that could take me out at any moment. It was in the middle stage of hurt that I had the great ah ha. Yes, this is why people leave the teaching profession. We pour our heart and soul into everything we do from planning to delivery to assessment and the public has nothing but criticism and wild accusations.

My next thought was that this was something that could easily go to the next level. Before you knew it, I could be left without a credential or job. I am blessed to be working for an amazing administration who know me well and understand the craziness of pre-adolescents and their parents. Nonetheless, I am left stunned by it all.

Attitude is Everything

Yesterday was the day I had been waiting for all year. It was the day determined by the district that the reading intervention program would give the first retest to determine progress made. I couldn't wait to see the look of happiness and pride when these students realized that with time and effort you could actually quantify learning. The first few students looked good. There was an increase 30-50 lexile points. Nice. I was hoping for more but this was a step in the right direction. Then things took a turn for the worse. The next few scores came out LOWER. And then it kept happening over and over again. By the end of the period 10 students improved and 10 went the other way. Thank God that 4 of them were absent. This is why I walked away from special education. I can't handle not believing that what I do makes a difference. But numbers don't lie, do they? So the end of class was an opportunity for them to think about the reason for their scores. My downward readers all said things about not really trying, guessing, not reading the whole passage, and not caring. How do I as a teacher MAKE students care about their own education and future? Maybe there is some illiterate teenager out there that could come give them a wake up call. It is clear that what I am saying and doing is having little effect. I am grateful to have the weekend to recover. Monday, there will be 10 students retaking the test with a hopefully improved attitude.

Acting Like I Care

I have been struggling the past couple weeks to keep my stamina up to last through the day. My reading intervention class still challenges me in the management department. They are just totally exhausting every minute of the 75 that I have them. I have begun to notice that by the time I get the second half of our team 5th and 6th periods, that there just isn't much of me left to give. I am trying out a little Love and Logic and it does seem to be helping but today I had to just give it up and take to the stage. As I walked to the door to greet them I knew I was going to have to dig down deep so I just pretended to be an actress who had nothing but energy and enthusiasm. I don't know where the energy reserve comes from in teachers when there isn't any left but sure enough, there it was. This was second draft day for our memoir unit. So I stood in front of the class and in my most exciting voice announced that this was the day they had been waiting for. And by golly, they believed it was. I love watching the reflection of my smile and energy coming back to me on their faces. But the truth is that I really am tired. It must be time for my annual blood test to check that darn thyroid. But for now I will just put away the character descriptions that need to be graded and go to bed. Hooray for Friday!

Old Fashioned Phones

Today was my turn to hold Homework Club in my room after school. One of the students had become confused about the location and wanted to call his dad to tell him where to pick him up. I suggested dismissing him a minute early so he could walk over to his classroom and meet his dad there but he wanted none of that. No, he couldn't waste a minute of homework club! So he whipped out his cell phone to call him. One look from me told him that it was too early for cell phone use. I pointed to the classroom phone on the wall and he said, "Oh no, Ms. Allen, my dad doesn't answer those kinds of phones." I started to explain that the age of the phone used to dial had nothing to do with the number dialed but just laughed instead. Yes, I still love 6th graders!

People We Put on the Shelf

This is a phrase I have used for many years inside my head. It has come to mean the family members or friends that we basically put on hold. It happens for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a family member continues to say the same thing over and over agian and only sees one facet of our being. Or maybe a friend can only see us serving a single purpose. You are my mom. You tell stories about my past and give advice about how to take the next step in life. You are my friend.I tell you about my problems and you listen. I don't listen to your problems; you listen to mine. When we put our friends and family members on a shelf a dangerous thing happens. We define who they are and their role in life and they remain in that position "forever." They are stuck in time. I have done it to friends and family and it has been done to me. Sometimes it happens as a result of the business of our lives and we just get in the habit of life without them. Sometimes it is purposeful because it is just too difficult to continue the relationship in the state it is in. It seems to have happened a lot in my family and I still have no idea of how to fix it. That's because people can't be fixed. We are who we are, a constant work in process. Every day changes who I am and who I am becoming. I meet new people and they change my perspective on my life and my history. I am a reflector so the meaning I put on an event is in a constant state of flux. Part of that is the recognition that time dulls pain and I cannot evaluate all sides of a relationship when there is pain at its core. So as I get distance from a difficult conversation with a friend or family member I can put it where it belongs. I am on a shelf. It doesn't mean that I'm not loved. It is simply the only way that that relationship can continue without ending. The question is how does one know if it would actually be better for everyone involved to stop. Stop playing at a relationship. Stop pretending. Stop hurting. I don't know. I just take each day as it comes and accept the gifts that are given and hope that at the end of the journey it will all be made clear.

Peopl We Put on the Shelf

People We Put on the Shelf
This is a phrase I have used for many years inside my head. It has come to mean the family members or friends that have put me on hold. It happens for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a family member continues to say the same thing over and over again and only sees us as one thing. Or maybe a friend can only see us as one version of who we are. You are my mom. You only give advice about how to take the next step in life. You are my friend.I tell you about my problems and you listen. I don't listen to your problems; you listen to mine. When we put our friends and family members on a shelf two things happen.. We define who they are and their purpose in life and they remain in that position "forever." I have done it to friends and family and it has been done to me. I am always aware of its power and pain. And when I am on the receiving end it always leads to reflection on why this is happening and am I willing to accept it. It is up to me to change the relationship so that I am not defined by our past interchanges. I need to shout from the rooftops "The me you see is not the me I am." Adjust, adapt or just leave me alone.

Observations of a Sunday Walk Through San Jose

I love to walk. It slows me down and puts everything in perspective. But today I took part in my first half marathon walk. That's quite some walk - 13.1 miles. I'm really not sure that I will ever do it again but I am really glad that I was finally healthy enough to do it once. It's been a goal of mine for a couple years and sometimes it's good just to meet a goal and say "I did that." I'm really not competitive. I could care less what other people are doing but I do challenge myself to constantly do things better and faster. My #1 goal was to finish the "race." My #2 goal was to maintain a 15 minute mile rate. That would mean I should finish in 3 hours and 15 minutes. So when I registered I put myself in the 3:30 category - just in case. My finishing time was 3:13 so I am very pleased with myself. But along the way I saw all kinds of things and did some interesting thinking. Here is a smattering of the inner workings of my brain:

I am confused by how people rate themselves for events like this. At different times of the day I was walking alongside of people in corrals 12 (mine), 13, 10, 8, 6 and even a 5.

It is good to have medical care along the route but I was disturbed when I actually saw people using it - laying on gurneys or inside of ambulances. The ambulance drivers were careful not to turn on their sirens until they had passed the runners.

I am a new fan of Gu. I tried it for the first time just before I reached the 10 mile mark. What a boost at just the right time. Maybe I should keep a supply at school to get me through the day.

I think my race is really the 15K. A 5K is too short: I still have something left after a 10K but by the time I reached the 15K marker I could have been ready to stop. Unfortunately a half marathon is more than a 20K. So I can safely say I gave it my all today.

I was deeply amused to see people texting while jogging. I would never be able to multi task in that way.

I loved seeing all the different ways that people cheered us on: cow bells, drums, inflated bats, cheering (complete with pom poms) and what they were drinking. As we walked east they were drinking coffee but as we neared the rose garden area the beverages changed to mimosas. One person was even selling them for $1. I can't say that I wasn't tempted:)

I was fascinated by the route. We started downtown, wound our way down Jackson St and into Japan town, through the rose garden and into the Kaiser track and back into the Rose Garden and downtown again. The houses and people living in each area were very differnt. We are a diverse population. I was amused at how most people dressed in their work out gear to watch others work out.

We also walked by lots of dogs who looked desperate to walk with any one of us. But all they were allowed to do was watch. Poor doggies.

I am definitely glad I did it. 3 hours is a long time to walk. Thank goodness for bands and iPods and other diversions.

News Headlines

I had a huge AH HA! moment this morning. On the front page of the Mercury News was a story about the effects of divorce on a young family. Now, it is rare that I can pass up a good divorce story, just because. I read the headline and then slipped over to the photo captions and immediately recognized the last name as that of a Sutter family. As it was an extremely rare name it definitely caught my attention. I read on and realized that, yes, indeed it was our Sutter family. So there was this child and her parents along with her younger sister splashed all over the front page of the newspaper. Hmmm... what is it like for a 10 year old to read the dirty laundry of her parents' courtship, difficulty conceiving, couples theapy, affair or not an affair depending on who you talk to and ending with the details and $,$$$ spent on lawyers, child support and alimony. It bares to question, what were these parents thinking when they agreed to do a piece for the newspaper? Did they know that pictures of the mom and her two kids were be in living color on the FRONT page? Did Dad know that the claim he made about being nothing but a baby machine would be in print for his babies to read and reread for all of eternity? What were they thinking?

This of course led me to synthesize this article to all other human interest articles I am drawn to. I just love "train wrecks" and in all honesty read more of those articles than the news in Iraq, Iran, Samoa or North Korea combined. These articles are all about real people who live in real homes and are trying to do the best they can for their families. They all go to school somewhere and have friends whose parents read that paper and say, "Isn't that your friend so-and-so who's in your class?" Yeah. What is that like for a 6 and 10 year old child who are just trying to learn to read and add or subtract or write a decent essay?

I am sorry. I am sorry for my curiosity. I am sorry for the desperation that leads people to use the newspaper as a friend that will listen to their side of the story. I am sorry for these broken families and their children that must somehow now find their way in the world.

Friday Update

Computer: Today I walked back in my room after Read 180 and discovered that my computer was on. Yahoo! It's back! My new computer is back! I went to check my school mail account to see everything I had missed so far in the day but something was very wrong. The latest mail available was dated August 31st. As I investigated further I discovered that was not my new computer; it was my old computer. Luckily my "savior" helped me solve the mail problem and I slowly adjusted to being grateful for my old friend being back once again.

Student Guidelines for words Ms. Allen doesn't like to read: Please add to the list suck, sucks and sucked. When asked if they knew sucks is a "bad" word they were all stunned beyond comment. I can't wait to have breakfast with my friend, the 5th grade teacher this weekend and ask what in the world is going on in elementary school writing workshop!

An Announcement I Never Thought That I'd Make

The world may need a little background information on this one. We have been working on envisioning in reading and sensory images in writing. A few of my young authors have gotten a little carried away in trying to make their olfactory images come to life for their "reader."

Teacher announcement made today:
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm not sure if you understand this or not but the audience you write for in this classroom is ME. I am a 55 year old woman who lives a very simple life in a nice little house with her dog. Even though I love teaching 6th graders, I am not one of your friends and I am not amused by 6th grade humor. I don't like reading about barf and poo. Up until this moment I have been writing comments on your papers about these words being inappropriate and you have been asked to redo the assignment. Let me just say here and now from this point forward, I do not expect to see anyone use either of those words or topics ever again. Are there any questions? Good.

Erase That Happy Thought From Yesterday

I would like to rescind all my happiness about my new computer. I came into work this morning eager to get started with my day AND my new computer. I turned it on and it went totally berserk. It just started loading documents and Internet Explorer until it knocked itself out. I'm talking hundreds of them. There were all kinds of flashing lights. It tried to find and resolve its problem with no luck at all. By 7:15 I was utterly despondent. I don't think I have ever been that sad about a material object in my life. It is a lesson learned about the transientness of happiness and the yin and yang of our existence.

The Little Things in Life

I knew it was coming but I was still so excited to be the recipient of a new teacher computer today. We somehow kept the old one functioning over the past few weeks. And I am lucky enough to have people who care about me and my life at school that I ended up on the short list of new computer recipients. There is just a feeling of respect that comes along with new "toys." So thank you to everyone out there who made it happen. I am a happy Bobcat!

Passing Back Papers

Most of the time I don't really like passing back corrected papers. But it occurred to me this morning that there are a couple reasons I take on that responsibility in the beginning of the year. The #1 reason is that the kids don't know everybody yet and it takes them forever as they wander aimlessly around the room looking for the kid that matches the name on the paper. But I was reminded of the other reason this morning. For some reason 6th graders come to middle school with a very unrealistic view of their writing skills. They all think they are horrible writers and are shocked to see papers with As or Bs on them. Now part of that is because it is the first time they have gotten letter grades. As important as teaching the standards are, the elementary standards based report card just doesn't connect with kids. Getting a 4 cannot compare to the status of an A. Last year my kids HATED writing and I spent the first couple months of school showing them it can be fun. This group definitely came in with a better attitude and now that letter grades are flying around the room are loving it even more. My favorite part as I crusie by, dropping off a table load of papers is the sucking in of air that seems almost instinctual followed by the long sigh and the comment, "I got an A. I can't believe it." I don't give grades and my kids know it. So the smile and little wiggle in their chair as they sit a little taller is just so cute. I'm about ready to pass on the paper responsibility to the students but I have to admit it did bring a little burst of happiness to my day.

First Sub Day

Yesterday was my first sub day of the year. Sub plans has always been one of those things on my "Why I Love Middle School" list. It still is but I had a huge AH HA about choosing a sub this year for my Read 180 class. These are not typical middle school students. Many of them are not fluent in English, most have been failing for a long, long time and don't really like school. So I guess it takes a special someone to handle my little darlings. I wasn't ready to leave them with a sub because we were just beginning to have a shared focus. So I told my sub I would be there and she could just monitor independent readers or just hang out and watch the program. She responded by telling me that she wasreally interested in tutoring adolescent readers and would love to be there. So 2nd period rolls around with no sub. I start teaching and she comes in and plops down at the small group table. Once rotations begin, I tell her that she can go read with anyone in the independent reading area. She takes off and as I'm beginning my small group lesson, I see her approach a couple kids but I don't see any reading going on. She slinks back to my table and says, "I don't think they want me here" and left the classroom. Oh if life could be that easy and we could just leave when they don't want us.

Taking a Fall

I have never been in the least bit graceful. I walk everyday and everyday I stumble and almost fall. It was only a matter of time before I was unable to recover and actually hit the deck. Yesterday, on my way to walk with a friend, I tripped over an uneven piece of sidewalk and was unable to catch myself. I actually felt more coordinated going down than I ever imagined I would. But the end result was a scraped up knee and a very sore wrist. I had a very restless night but made it through the day today without too much pain. The wrist is loosening up a bit and the knee is beginning to heal. This is another one of those reminders of how quickly life can make a turn and change for the worse. I could easily have broken a bone in my hand, arm or leg. So I continue to walk but am just a tad bit more careful and looking down more often than out. The hesitancy will pass but for now I am giving thanks for my gifts and wounds that will heal when given enough time.

A Long Time Between Posts

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have no excuses, reasons or explanations beyond the simple fact that the beginning of school is an extremely busy time.

I am loving teaching reading and writing to my darling little 6th graders as well as my intervention class. It has been quite a venture being involved in the start up of a brand new middle school program. I have no doubt that I was placed at Buchser to be doing exactly what I am doing. It is the culmination of my teaching experience all put to its best possible use - primary reading instruction, special education and middle school all rolled together into one. However, the materials and technology set backs have been many. I am hopeful that by next week everything will be purchased, installed and in the hands of students and I can stop my weekly and sometimes daily e-mails to the powers that be.

Another challenge in my school life has been a down computer in my classroom. I guess for other teachers this wouldn't have been a problem but I have recently learned that I am one of the rare teachers that only has one computer in her classroom. So for 6 school days I only had access to a computer while I was in the READ 180 room. I was definitely more efficient both as a classroom teacher and when I was on line. In the classroom there were no distractions in dealing with e-mails between classes but it was also a struggle to handle the day to day things upon which we depend on technology. It meant doing attendance on paper and sending a student to the attendance office within the first 10 minutes of class. I also became aware of how many times during the day we say "Did you see that e-mail from ___ about ___? There were even times when I would tell someone something and s/he would say, "Could you send me an e-mail about that?" But the positive side was that my focus was entirely on those 32 kids in the classroom and not on attendance, or on-line grades, or e-mails to remind me of upcoming events or meetings or information about absent kids. I was just teaching.

We are in our third week of school and it is about now when I begin to surface again. My grades are up to date, I have given the first writing assessment and have a pretty good idea of where my readers are. I know everyone's name and can even recognize them when they are in the quad and not in their assigned seat. But thinking back on the past few weeks is a little shocking. So, here are some of things that go on in the opening weeks of school:
August 24th - First day of school
August 26th - Team Meeting
August 27th - School Walk-a-thon followed by locker assignments
September 2 - Grade level meeting followed by a Faculty Meeting
September 3 - Back to School Night
September 9 - Team Meeting
September 10 - Google Calendar Training followed by READ 180 Meeting
September 15 - Picture Day
September 16 - Department Meeting
September 18 - 6th Grade Social

As I so often like to say, "Yikes."

Day One, Year Two

Before beginning the writing of this post, I thought it would be interesting to see how my feelings today compare with those of a year ago. As I searched the archives I sadly discovered there is no history. I didn't come back to my blog until mid November. Well, that says a lot about where I was last year at this moment.

So I will just start at the beginning. This is my second year of middle school and it feels so much better than my memories of 2008. I remember not sleeping for days and having horrible dreams of ill mannered juvenile delinquents who I had no idea of how to manage. In contrast, this year I have to admit that while I have lost some sleep over worries of starting a new year, there have been no weird dreams. I would just wake up and pre-play the first day. And before you know it, there was enough daylight that I could legitimately get up and make my coffee to start the day.

Day 1 finally arrived and I was as prepared as I wanted to be. I could have spend the whole weekend obsessing over tiny little details but knew that would not be healthy for me or anyone else in the classroom. I puttered around my room this morning until it was time for yard duty and went out to welcome a new crop. I was taken by surprise at how happy I was to see my now 7th grade students and my old friends from Sutter. It is that feeling of home that always brings my feet back to the ground. I constantly forget how important it is for me to be known.

What a difference a year makes! Last year I had so little knowledge of what I was doing. It was about all I could do to just to keep breathing. Fast forward to this year. I was totally shocked to see that deer in the headlights look from almost every student in my classroom until after lunch. Few of them made eye contact with anyone, let alone the teacher. Only the 3 Sutter kids who had me before even came close to laughing at my lighter comments. The poor things. The afternoon was a little better and I'm hopeful that after a good night's sleep these kids will remember Ms. Allen's words. Today is the worst of it. It's all downhill from here.

A New Beginning

One of the things I love most about my job is that every fall brings a new beginning. It's like renegotiating your contract and saying "Yes! I want to do that again!" That's how I'm feeling today but more so. I have to contain myself not to shout out how excited I am about going back to school. It's not socially acceptable to be excited about the first day of school but in all honesty, that's who I am as a teacher.

Summer school is now a distant memory. My vacation to Washington was very nice. But I am all about being HOME and am deeply defined by my profession. It is time to begin anew once again.

Yesterday was my first day back which meant I was very distracted. There were people to say Hi to, summer school stuff that needed putting away, desks to move into position and a second classroom to prepare. I will be teaching a reading intervention class this year which needs its own room so special ed and ELL can also use the materials. I now lovingly call B-10 my annex. It was a long day but I was a little more focused by the time it was over.

Today when I returned I knew I had to get the paper up on the walls and start some lesson planning. Late this afternoon, I pulled out my "Beginning of the Year" folder and was overwhelmed with feelings of last year. I had no idea what I was doing but I had lists of talking points (which I believe came from my partner teacher) and getting to know you activities, most of which I never used. The past 2 days have been a huge AH HA of how little I knew just a year ago. I am overcome with how much calmer I feel going in to my second year of middle school. I know lots of people whom I had never even met at this time a year ago. Meeting new people is a huge challenge for me so the sense of familiarity makes me feel instantly at home. I know the writing curriculum and how I want to tweak it to make it better this year. But the biggest piece of the puzzle is the fact that I am once again teaching reading. I think it's much more emotional than academic. I am a reading teacher. It's where I started and to some extent defines who I am as a teacher. The things we read change what we think about the world and who we become. The deep conversations that go on in the classroom occur as a result of our shared reading experiences and what we think about them.

There's a tiny piece of me that just can't wait for Monday morning. But I also know that on Monday morning I will be nauseous and wishing the introductions and getting to know you stage was over and learning had already begun.

Mystified

I have made a few comments here and there about one of my student teachers from Summer School. I won't belabor the point of how surprised I have been by how it has all turned out. I remain mystified and a bit humbled that every now and then our first impressions can be way off course. Today she gave me a thank you note and I have to say she was clearly paying attention

"Thank you so much for allowing me to be apart of your classroom this summer. I have enjoyed the past 5 weeks and learned more than I thought possible. I especially appreciated your use of positive reinforcement and loved seeing the students respond to your encouragement. I will miss your ability to see the potential in every student, but I hope to carry this outlook into my other classrooms."

Wow...

Week Number Five - The End

Summer school 2009 is now history and so today a breathe a huge sigh of relieve. The end is always anticlimactic because so many kids don't bother to show up but nonetheless I am thrilled to be done with it. It wasn't as bad as I often thought it was but I still don't want to do it again. I'm tired. It's just as simple as that. The money is good - no doubt of that - but it is all just so exhausting. I'm not the kind of teacher that can take anything lightly. I lose as much sleep over summer school kids and lesson plan as I do during the regular school year. I just can't shut it off. And that is no way to spend a summer vacation. But I have to admit I have grown and learned many new things as a result of my summer school experiences.
1. Sometimes my first impressions of people can be a little off. I had a student teacher who I would have bet money on the fact that she didn't think I knew jack about teaching. I was dead wrong. I still don't think she fully comprehended everything she was seeing but the girl was just hungry for more. Her questions weren't necessarily questioning me, they were just questions.
2. It is still hard for me to give up control of the classroom but I definitely improved in that department this summer. I allowed student teachers to dig in without my intervention and resentment did not rear its ugly head. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
3. I saw great growth in several kids that I kind of thought were players. Patience and maintaining eye contact for ungodly long periods of time can be very effective.
4. The very most important thing a student can do to begin a successful career is to show up and pay attention. That's it. That's all it takes. The brain will do the rest automatically.
5. I truly had no idea how much I have missed teaching reading. I LOVE the deep conversations that come about because of stories and the way people share who they are through those conversations.
6. I continue to learn how to make connections for kids between the school world and the real one. One of my best lessons this summer was convincing my students that they are the main characters in the story of their own lives. It was a powerful way to link to their new identities as middle school students. Every day we decide who we are projecting to the outside world. This is still a life lesson for me. Who am I? Would the people who know and love me answer that question the way I do? If not, I need to reintroduce my "character" to my readers.
7. Afternoon naps are amazing. I'm quite sure I would have ended up in a heap without them.

And now I think that is just what I will do - go take a nap.

An Awareness of Aging

I am aging. This is something that has been playing on my mind this summer. I'm not old. I just feel myself changing. Living in the moment forces you to see things and feel things that you might ignore otherwise. I now notice changes in my body; new lines, aches and pains, gravity taking its toll. Actually, this is probably a change for the better. In years past I would ignore those aches and pains, truly believing that my body would heal itself and there was no need for intervention. My first bout with tendonitis a couple years ago taught me differently. And it seems lately there has been one reminder after another. The past school year I had some weird foot thing, a frozen shoulder and shingles. That's a lot in a very short period of time.

I revel in everything I am still able to do but I also know it could very well be transient. Walking the Wharf to Wharf reminded me that I am still able to maintain a 15 minute mile for a distance of 6 miles. On the other hand, my very own sister who is only slightly older than I am, is having a hip replacement next week. How is it that we are old enough for such things? This is by no means the end of the world; it is just an awareness of aging. I'm not sad or upset or depressed - just aware.

The flip side is senior discounts. On two occasions this month I have been made aware of senior discounts for those who are 55 and older. The first time I was too afraid to ask for it; I figured they would card me but the second time I told them I would be 55 in 2 weeks... No dice. It must be about time for my gray hair to stop playing around and get serious.

As I turn 55 this week I am also aware that it is a midpoint of sorts. I have loved my 40s and 50s but I'm a little wary of the upcoming 60s. 60 just sounds older to me - the age of retirement, social security and medicare. I, of course, look forward to all of these things but they are symbols of growing old in our society. So it has taken me aback to realize that in just 5 short years, I will be 60 something.

While I am a strong believer that age is an attitude, there are some very real things that accompany it that can not be denied. I sleep less than I did a year or so ago. I tire in the garden more easily. There are pains that must be dealt with. I am simply aware of a change in the air. However, you can be assured that this does nothing to diminish the enthusiasm I have always had for my birthday. I still think it's the best day of the whole darn year.

Week Number Four

The end is near. We are down to 4 days of summer school. That is only 18 hours of contract time and 16 hours of face time! But who's counting? Week number four definitely had its highs and lows. The kids found their rhythm and seemed much more aware of their end of the responsibility of the learning game. Show up and tune in. It's as easy as that. But part of the reason for them finding their rhythm is me bringing the hammer down. No, we don't throw erasers. We respect things that have been GIVEN to us to use. No we don't write nasty comments on other people's name tags. That is rude and disrespectful. The erasers are now being closely monitored and the name tags are currently being recycled into another piece of paper somewhere. So maybe starting the day with basic expectations makes for a better learning atmosphere. I just don't like wasting my time on general behavior that is a given by the time you hit middle school. But you gotta do what you gotta do. The end result is that the writing was more fluent, there were new voices in the room and the unit is feeling connected.

The student teachers and I had our assessment conferences today. That is where I tell them my observations and opinions of their work in the educational profession thus far, according to the teaching standards. Yes, we have standards too. Last year these conferences occurred on the last day so I didn't have to worry about them stalking me down a dark alley in the dead of night to get retribution. I had to watch my words this year since we still have another week together. But it turns out I had nothing to fear. The refreshing part is that each of them was already aware of the challenges which I addressed. I stayed after our meetings and wrote up the reports so now all that is left is the students' End of Session Progress Reports. I think I'll put them off for a day or so.

Week Number Three

Friday has come again and the third week of summer school is over. The days are passing more quickly now and I am in my rhythm. That's what happens when kids weasel their way into my heart. I look forward to seeing their tired little faces every morning and watching the transformation as I smile and say "How's it goin'?" They don't really want to respond but they just can't help themselves. The student teachers are getting some ah hahs about who is sitting in the seats and what walks through the door with them - deceased or seriously injured parents, language issues, sibling rivalry that lands them in the emergency room, kids who talk freely about learning disabilities or missed elementary school benchmarks, not to mention all the "normal" middle school social issues that at any moment can rear their ugly heads.

There were many positive events this week.
#1 on the list is my appreciation for working in an air conditioned classroom. You don't really know how wonderful it is until the temperature rises above 90. I realized one morning as I was rushing to work that I didn't need to hurry in to get the windows open in order to get the early morning air in the classroom. What a relief! It comes with a feeling of respect for who we are and what we are about. You just can't expect much of a product when human beings are forced to work in unbearably hot classrooms.

#2 Facing 32-34 challenged students each period makes me appreciate and almost crave the balanced classroom. I love how kids learn from one another. 6th grade is just a great age when they start to realize that everyone has gifts to share. Summer school kids are the ones whose voices haven't been heard and they're usually not sure how to get them in the room in an appropriate manner.

#3 Teaching reading and writing in summer school has helped me consolidate my thinking about what I want do to connect the two in the regular school year. I can't wait to get started. I have truly missed the teaching of reading and didn't know how much until now.

#4 Today's conversation with my student teachers was very complimentary. They have been out to enough classrooms and had enough personal experiences with individual kids that they can now see what I bring to the classroom. I don't need their approval to know who I am as a teacher but it sure feels better when it is spoken out loud.

One final observation that has struck me this week is once again the difference between my primary and secondary experiences. Once upon a time long ago I taught at GM and looped from first to second grade. In that class was a boy who I lovingly termed "hell on wheels." I didn't know how else to describe him. He wasn't LD or ED but he was totally out of control. His mom called the police to their house several times over the 2 years I had him. He kicked in doors, destroyed property and just generally caused mayhem. But on the other hand he was charismatic, lovable and really wanted to succeed. The past 4 years haven't solved any problems. He's been at Opportunity and out and "home schooled" which really means he was just not in school. And now he's attempting to re-enter the academic world. He's not happy about it but is making an attempt to play the game. I have had the pleasure of having a few conversations with him this week. In every one of them he was always respectful and went out of his way to greet me by name - that doesn't always happen in middle school. I have been struck by the differences in these challenging kids between 1/2 grade and 7th. As a young child he was the personification of hyper kinetic energy. You never knew where he would end up from one minute to the next. His voice could go from normal speech to yelling and screaming in a split second. Today you would think he was one of the most mellow kids on earth. It's all part of the act and much more difficult to address. He has clearly been my ah ha for summer school. Inside the bodies of our super cool adolescent kids who can''t be bothered even answering your questions is the little boy who just cannot come to terms with his inside feelings and the outside world.

Week 3 has been a turning point. It is the realization of how deeply I love my job no matter who is in the seats. It is also clear to me how much I need to be challenged in my profession. I love the kids that make me rethink what and how I teach. But it is also the awareness that we are on the downhill side.

Week Number Two

The second week of summer school is over and done with. The kids are settling into some sort of routine and are figuring out a system for working with one another. They are also figuring out me and where my line is. #1 is flying pencils. Yes, both my classes learned this week that if something flies into Ms. Allen's line of sight, WATCH OUT. They now know that safety comes first. I don't really like getting in kids' faces but sometimes it is an extremely effective strategy and if a pencil flies through the air that is just my gut reaction.

It feels good to have the second week complete. That means that we are almost to the halfway point. My student teachers have become bored with observing and are up and about a lot more, hanging out with the kids. They are attempting to find their role in the classroom and create that all important boundary between kid and teacher.

The whole student teacher thing is extremely challenging for me. I'm not one that likes to have others in my room in the first place so to have 3 of them evaluating every word and action I take requires a lot of self reassurance. I am quick to think that I am being judged but I try to remember that they will one day understand the importance of classroom management as opposed to fun and creative activities. It also helps to know that other experienced teachers have the same issues. I was approached by 2 different teachers yesterday who basically wanted to vent about the passive aggressive nature of their student teachers - whispering to each other in the corner, questioning teachers about why they do what they do, suggesting alternative activities, making comparisons to other teachers. It just fosters a feeling of unease and borders on disrespect. My biggest issue is a self-professed "not a morning person" who walks into the room every day and as I greet her I get nothing in return. Today I think she grunted ever so slightly. Just a big pet peeve of mine. Human beings respond to one another, tired or not. But I have to let it go. It is obviously not about me!

So week 2 was close to a success. No one left the room without permission. The VP was in and complemented me on the tightness of my lesson. One of my more unengaged students asked if he could write during break time. Things are looking up.

A Day For Me

Today was our summer school day off in observance of the 4th of July. I didn't really mind waiting for Monday even though the rest of the world was off on Friday. I personally think they postponed it so we could have our first set of Friday meetings with the student teachers. Whatever... I could easily have spent the day doing little odd jobs around the house - gardening, cleaning, etc but wanted to take full advantage of the time off. It is an issue of mine. I have time off but don't really make the effort to enjoy it. Then when the summer is over I don't have the feeling or memories of relaxation. So today was a day for me.

I started off with breakfast with a friend at Bill's Cafe and immediately headed for the beach. I walked West Cliff Drive to Natural Bridges, checked out Wisteria and enjoyed a leisurely cup of coffee at The Ugly Mug. Then I drove up highway 1. I love the views this time of year with the combination of farmland and seascapes. The weather was absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever seen the water as blue as it was today. It was almost indigo. I was completely filled with gratitude for everything I have at my fingertips living in northern California.

I treated myself to a piece of pie from Duarte's and enjoyed it overlooking Pescadero Beach. Everything I did today jogged memories from the past. Natural Bridges Beach was a great place for our family in our younger days. I vividly remember the trip that Dave and I took to Pescadero Beach for some tide pooling which was a college class assignment. The assignment was really just a picture for evidence that you were there. But I was so thrilled that he asked me to go with him.

I continued on to Moss Beach Distillery and had a little beverage on the deck overlooking the Pacific. What a beautiful place! I enjoyed the view and the ever deepening blues of the sky and water. There was not even a speck of fog in sight, contrary to our area meteorologists' predictions. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the simple gifts of life. I am blessed with my surroundings, my family and friends and am so happy with the memories that lie just below the surface waiting to bubble up and remind me of what an amazing life this is.

She Is Home

Maria is home again from her trip to the British Isles. I am glad that she was able to go and do most of what she wanted but I have to admit that I was extremely worried the entire time she was gone. I can't really explain this because she has traveled to Europe before with very little concern on my end. I'm not sure if it is me aging or the instability of the world we live in but anytime anything out of the ordinary happened my "mom" antennae shot up. Her travel blog was the only thing that kept me calm. I loved reading her story and looking at her photos in almost real time. The most interesting thing for me was when we instant messaged because we just happened to be on line at the same time. It was so incredible that we could be thousands and thousands of miles apart but technology could create a situation where worldwide communication is as simple as a click of the keys. The other interesting thing was the Facebook experience. She could send messages and people responded immediately. She could get advice about simple things like tax and duties as well as find a hospital for medical care when she needed. Once again, technology is an amazing thing.

Week Number One

The first week of summer school is in the books and most of what I feel is relief. Like anything else, the beginning is always the hardest. The first days of summer school are even more challenging because of the kids that come and go. Or rather than come and go, I should say the kids that don't come and others take their place. These students are famous for not following through on commitments so the ones that sign up don't actually show up. So every day kids on the waiting list are called to take their place. That makes it doubly difficult to create a sense of community. I am hopeful that next week we will be able to make some progress in knowing who is supposed to be in the room. Summer school kids are by their nature wacky. It's the only word for them. They say and do things that are totally unexpected. But mostly they just don't engage in classroom activities. That is a challenge for a teacher like me who depends on relationships for the bulk of classroom management. So the first week was a lot of work in just trying to develop an interest in what was going on in room 23. I am also challenged by being in an unfamiliar classroom and school campus. On the second day of school a student showed up a day and an hour late for class. He didn't last long before he decided to bolt. I tried hard to go on autopilot but couldn't because I had to think about the direction he was going and where streets or traffic were in relationship to that. I knew I needed to call the office but had to locate the phone first and then the list of summer school numbers. Then I had to inform the student teacher what just happened because she appeared to have missed the whole thing. Not a pleasant experience. You would thing that incident was the worst of the week but I was actually more frustrated by the lack of student involvement. They act like they have never heard the term reading strategies before in their lives. Hopefully we will all warm up a bit in week number two. But I will just say here and now that I have no desire to do this again next year. I will just need to figure out ways to relax and enjoy myself at home without spending anything to do it.

Santa Clara, The Tree City

Our city prides itself on being a "tree" city. They go out of their way to plant trees in the sidewalk easement all over town. I have recently been involved in this process. It all started when I discovered that finally the top of a grafted walnut tree (which never belongs wedged in a sidewalk) had finally succumbed. I was not in the least bit sad about this because I have no affinity for walnut trees. So I called the city number and was told that a guy would be out to check the tree. Within a few days he stopped by and left a form that indeed the tree was dead and must be removed. He also left a list of possible trees to choose from. After a few days of mulling it over, I made my selection completely based on beauty and height. If it's my tree I want to be able to enjoy its beauty from my living room window. So I once again called the city number and the message taker said she would pass along the information. Luckily the next part of the process occurred during the first week of summer vacation or I would have missed the whole thing. On Monday a guy came to check the space and double check the tree selections. We discussed removing some of the concrete to make more room for the tree. Excellent idea! he made some colored lines on the sidewalk and said I was on the list but there were 10 tree removals ahead of me. On Tuesday the water guy came and made some blue lines where the water pipes are. On Wednesday PG&E came and made some red lines to mark the gas pipe. On Thursday AT&T came and wrote in fluorescent orange on the street "No AT&Y, No CATV." By this point I am beginning to laugh each time a company car slowly drives down my street looking for house numbers. But all those colors are certainly drawing the neighbors' attention to some upcoming activity. Some are happy to hear about some pretty trees taking the place of the messy walnut and others appear to be concerned about where the squirrels will find their next meal. My house.My decision. The following Tuesday I came home to 2 barricades stating that no one could park in that space on Wednesday from 7-4. Sometime during the night or early morning someone must have come along and moved the barricades from the sidewalk to the street. Unfortunately, one if facing the wrong direction but no worries. It just makes me wonder about who does all these little odd jobs and how I might get one.

Around 7:20 the first trucks arrived. Each of the drivers got out, with coffee in hand and assessed the situation. About 20 minutes later a city worker in a pick-up arrived. This resulted in one of the trucks leaving and the other driver unwinding his house, then winding it back up, driving the truck around the block and returns stopping in the middle of the street. By now it is getting close to 8:00. He skirts a bunch of water on the steet and watches the flow and then drives around the block again. He returns to his spot in the middle of the street but this time is facing the other direction. He sets his cones out and waits. Minutes pass. There is some walkie talkie activity and the other truck returns. Finally the gas can and the concrete cutting saw come out and work begins at 8:10. A half hour later the concrete is cut (but still in place) and the trucks are gone.

Embracing Change

In my reorganization of the teaching materials in my garage, the funniest thing floated to the floor. Now that I'm looking at it, I remember it was from a page in Paula's retirement memory book. I don't know who wrote it but I may need to find out. It clearing speaks to my heart and the journey that I am on.

Embracing Change

I find it a bit amusing when people talk about CHANGE... how they delicately and ever so gently whisper its name. Some are intimidated by or insecure about its presence, while others are politely respectful of its immense power.

CHANGE...
With a smile or a tear, it touches our lives day in and day out, the relentless, inevitable warrior of fate. It can arrive at any moment in life, but we must not feel threatened by it or fearful. Instead, when change is upon us, we should open our eyes wider with amazement and enthusiasm; we should extend our arms farther, and embrace the world around us.

CHANGE...
Let it jolt you, push and pull you. Let it challenge you. Know in your heart that change is what gives you the chance to be yourself and the opportunity to make your life everything you want it to be

Books, Books, Books

One of the projects I am involved in for the next week or so is going through my teaching stuff in the garage. When I moved out of third grade I boxed everything in a fairly organized manner and took only what I needed to middle school. I had always known that I would give it a year before I made any decisions about whether or not I would keep my primary teaching materials. I knew almost from the very beginning that middle school was my niche. I am not a collector and absolutely can't stand having things in storage that other people could be using. That meant it was time to sort, classify and distribute the rest of my stuff. This entails hundreds of books, primary math supplies, social studies and science units, art materials and a few grade specific things. It took up the better part of a one car garage. I am lucky enough to have people in my life who will graciously accept my hand me downs. The sorting process was the most challenging. My book piles were the following: primary books for a second year first grade teacher, books for older kids at Sutter, books my friend Paula has convinced me I will need as a someday grandma and books that are a bit out of date for the book recycler. The book sorting took a total of 6 hours spread over 3 days. I love everything about reading so there was more feeling connected to each book that I picked up than I had anticipated. I was flooded by images from my past. There were the books that I had prior to teaching and I remembered both as a child and reading to my own kids. Those are such happy memories. Some books brought images of students' faces or sometimes their book boxes because they loved it so much it was in their possession almost all year. A few put me back in the school/classroom I was in when I bought it or where I was in my teaching career. I was fascinated by the choices I made as a first year teacher compared to more recent purchases. They truly are the tracks of my teaching. Others brought back memories of entire classes transfixed as I read it aloud. I remembered the feelings I had with my first read and how they changed with successive readings. With some I recalled the flea market or garage sale where it was purchased, usually from a retiring teacher. My favorite part was to open the front cover and find a name plate from the student who had purchased it as a gift from a book fair in his/her first grade handwriting. I love children's books. I love searching for them, buying them, reading them, rereading them and even passing them along to be enjoyed by a brand new audience.

School's Out For Summer!

The beginning of summer vacation is one of the most interesting things in a teacher's life to behold. I absolutely love just being an observer of my brain and body as they both slowly decompress. By the time I woke up on Monday I was thinking of absolutely nothing. And I actually thought that as I woke up - there is nothing on my mind. Not that there wasn't anything on my mind but the kids were gone, grades were gone, and school as a thought process had disappeared. School was just a list of things that needed to be done before August. In their place were plenty of things. My summer projects, (tearing out the front yard and cleaning out the elementary school dump that also doubles as my garage), the state of the world, elections and freedom of speech in Iran, upcoming challenges (summer school and a middle school reading intervention class), my daughter's adventures in the UK, a weekend trip to Portland for my aunt's 80th birthday, my 403b, etc, etc.

I love being home. It seems to be the 50's phase of life for me. I find myself constantly thinking, "I just want to go home." And here I am, home. It is definitely all it is cracked up to be. Home is my refuge, a place of peace and solace. It is whatever I want it to be. A place to read, a place to veg out in front of the TV, a place to hang out on the deck and enjoy the flowers.

I often think that summer vacation must be like a movie trailer for retirement. You wake up and think, "What am I going to do today?" That it is - just today. There is no tomorrow or next week or next month or the end of the quarter or next year. Just today. I love that. I can definitely handle fulfilling expectations for 24 hours. Tomorrow will just have to take care of itself.

I know that as the next 10 days pass, my thoughts will slowly morph into summer school mode but for now I love this feeling of nothingness.

A Sixth Grade Student's Reflections

I have had a blast in sixth grade! I met new people, had great teachers, and learned many things! There have been so many new experiences that I never thought I'd get to have. I loved all our field trips and our special Shark assemblies. This essay is about some of my most memorable experiences in the sixth grade.

First, I have made many new friends. Boys and girls i never thought I'd be friends with. Some from different schools and some from the school where I spent K-5th grade. I have grown closer to people I have known since kindergarten. They turned out to be trustworthy and really funny. The new friends I have made are so different, yet we seem to share the same interests. I look forward to getting to know them better in the next two years.

Next are my wonderful teachers. I never thought I could get so lucky to have very nice teachers who don't make me cry. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because of a teacher. So many times. This year I was really happy and I would laugh in every class because of the teachers. If I had a problem that I needed help with, my teachers were never too busy to help. I worked really hard at getting good grades and my teachers made me believe I could do it. Thank you, Mr.________, Mrs. _______, and Ms. _____!

Now for the field trips. My favorite field trip in the sixth grade was when we went to the The Tech Museum. I loved seeing the IMAX movie about the coral reef. That was really fascinating. The field trip was made even more special by the fact that my sister, ______, was home from college on spring break and she got to chaperone. I also loved the trip to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco. I love that we could take pictures of the art. I got a lot of good pictures. my mom got to take the day off from work and come along.

Finally, the Shark assemblies. I think that it was really kind of all the teachers to take time off from their schedules to give awards to their students for the things they thought we did well. I was really surprised when I got the award for being super efficient. I have put in on the mantle so everyone can see it. I was really proud of myself that day and I thank all the teachers again.

So, all in all, I have had a really great year. I will miss all my of my teachers and all of the great times I have had in sixth grade. I hope I can at least be a TA for one of my sixth grade teachers next year. I will always remember this year and try to visit my old teachers a lot.

The Impact of a Life

Sometimes I wish I knew where I was in the "normal" range. For the most part I think I'm a pretty average person in the way I react to life's little road bumps. But I have the feeling that my response to death may be a little off, especially ones that take me by surprise. I can take in stride when people I have loved, died after a long illness or have lived a full life. I miss them terribly but there is always a place I can file it intellectually. It makes sense. Brian Hegarty dieing at age 35 for no apparent cause does not make sense and that thought is stuck in my head. It rewinds over and over again. Young people dieing doesn't make sense. When things don't make sense to me, I can't seem to let them go. Perhaps I'm a little OCD. My thoughts between last Monday and today have gone from physical to metaphysical questions and I am finally in utter confusion.

Brian was an amazing teacher with a great love for life. He was the guy you would love for your daughter to marry. If I had had another one, I definitely would have put them in the same room together just to see what would happen. He was well grounded and smart and charming and spiritual all rolled into one amazing package. He was literally at the prime of his professional life. He loved teaching and always wanted to get better at it and he did. Within two months time he would have taken over the reigns as principal of an elementary school. If anyone could have been successful at going from teacher to principal in the same school, it would have been him. And now, they tell me he is gone. How does that happen? How do you go from being alive and vibrant and everything that he was to dead? All my questions begin with "did he know?" Did he know he was dieing? Did he know his life would be so short? Did he know how deeply he was loved? Did he know what an impact he had had on so many lives? And this is where my thinking takes a detour. What is it that any of us knows about the force we are in the world. As teachers, we are aware of the role we play in the lives of our students, both positive and negative. But I'm talking about the impact we leave by just living human lives in realationship with other humans. Everything we do and say can and does effect the world in ways we can never anticipate. Observing the depth of the community's response to Brian's death leads us all to realize the importance of every moment we live. Our life may end up being much shorter than we anticipate. We might not get a tomorrow to make that phone call or meet for dinner. It is the reminder of the unpredictabily of what is to come. We are on a journy with an unknown destination as well as an unknown timeframe. There is no other way to live it than in this moment. Now we can't exactly go around telling everyone at every moment of our existence what a difference they have made in our lives but I know we can do better. I, for one can start putting the people I love way ahead of anything else. Here is the first of many acts that will be Brian Hegarty's legacy lived out in my life. This week I booked a ticket to go to my aunt's 80th birthday party. My initial response to the invitation was one of those "too bad" moments. But Brian's death makes you reconsider that whole "too bad" reaction. Worry about money or the fact that the next day is the first day of summer school cannot compare to the moments that will be spent with my family and friends. Too bad? How about flipping that on its head and living life with all the events that are too good, too good to miss?

Thank you, Brian for all that you gave to the world in the short time you were with us. You will be desperately missed by everyone you touched. Your love lives on in each of us in new and glorious ways that none of us ever anticipated. I am so lucky to have crossed your path on this wild and wonderful journey of life.

Catching Up

It has been a while since I have posted. The last word from me was the pain of Shingles. I don't withdraw from life very often but that one almost took me out. I really don't know how I got through the work day but I would come home as quickly after school as possible and put in my couch time. It became the most important thing I did all day. Suddenly this Monday I woke up feeling significantly better. I have no explanation, only gratitude. Every day gets better and better. Maybe soon I'll try wearing a skirt or pants with a waistband again. But I must say my students have certainly enjoyed seeing me in dresses. I suppose it has been an interesting way to end the year:) Changes in fashion is extremely important to the middle world.

In other news there has been a dramatic shift in the behavior of the "the boy who would not be name." Once again I have no explanation, only gratitude. Things definitely got worse before they got better. I am only thankful that we are all ending on a positive note. My favorite part of the whole thing is how well he is able to verbalize it. "It feels a lot better when I don't get in trouble." I have been stunned by how "cute" he seems to me now that he is smiling and doing what students do. Perception is everything.

Along with ending the year I am also gearing up for summer school. I'll be teaching incoming 6th graders beginning June 29th - a mere two weeks after I say good-bye to my current 6th graders. All my couch time gave me lots of time to think and plan. I am quite pleased with my developing Language Arts unit. It will be interesting to see how my imaginary lessons really turn out. I love the planning part of my job but am often surprised by the way it turns out in real life.

Yesterday I received some extremely sad news. A teacher I taught with many years ago did not show up to work. The police were called and he was found dead in his apartment. I was absolutely stunned into utter silence. He was only 35 years old and an extremely gifted teacher. He had worked his way up the ranks and had just been selected principal for the upcoming school year. I am still in shock and feel such an emptiness. Sometimes life is so fleeting. You look up and the ones we once loved are gone. It is that on-going reminder to live in the moment. Say what you want to say today. Tomorrow you may only be able to say good-bye.

So now I turn my head and heart toward the end of the school year. It is with excitement as well as a touch of sadness. I am excited to see how it all goes in middle school. Do they hug and cry on the last day or shout for joy? There are definitely many kids in this class that I will miss. I have been so lucky to start off with such a good group of students. And like always, I know that I have learned more from them than they did from me.