2019 is done. Just as with any other year, it was filled with highs and lows. But this year was different. God/fate/destiny took hold of my hand and didn't let go. By the time June rolled around, I had left my sweet home in Vancouver where I had been surrounded with the love of a new family branch led by my sister, new friends, the beauty of Mt. St. Helens and a short flight back to my loved ones in San Jose. It seemed perfect. And then it wasn't. By mid-year I was 3,000 miles away and living in central Florida and in only 2 more months my ex-husband and lifelong friend had taken ill and passed away. It all felt like one shock after another. They just seemed to keep coming.
The highs were high. I am living within 90 minutes of my parents and am able to visit frequently. This time together is precious. My parents are able to share the stories that they want to live on when they are gone. I am able to ask anything and I get answers that go deep. I am living drenched in sunshine - December in the 70s is an amazing thing. I can grow all kinds of plants and vegetables. I watch the sun rise and set and am in awe of the simplest things that happen every day if I only take the time to notice. I can travel the east coast and see things that were never on my list - Savannah, Charleston, day trips around my new home that leave me breathless. I am only minutes away from clear blue spring water that bubbles up from the underground; vibrant tropical flowers are everywhere - even in my own backyard. Some days feel like I'm in a dream.
And the lows have been low. I am 3,000 miles/6 hour flight away from my children and grandchildren. It breaks my heart on a daily basis. And there's nothing that can be done to change it. I said and continue to say good-bye to Ralph. I am struck motionless by the times that I feel his absence in the world. I miss him. I miss his heart. I miss our conversations about education, the kids, and the future. I hold onto the notion that we lived in the moment every time we were together. We did not hold anything back - the love was always there and I left nothing unsaid. I'm just sad, incredibly sad that I have the lost the man I once loved with my whole heart but more than that, respected always.
So this year has been a year of tears. I have cried in joy and in sorrow. I have cried witnessing my children's reconciliation. I have cried leaving my parents on Christmas Day as they held on to my hand after I had let go. I have cried watching my grandchildren succeed in gymnastics, swimming, and jujitsu, knowing that the moments we have together are gone in an instant.
So I say good-bye to you, 2019. I have learned and loved from everything you gave me. I step forward into 2020 a stronger but sadder woman. I am slowly learning to accept what can and cannot be changed. As I continue forth into these golden years, loss becomes a bigger part of the picture. I hold on tightly to the moments I have with my loved ones knowing that we all have an expiration date. May 2020 help me continue to understand that life is short and all that matters in the end is the love that was shared.
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