Once Again Brought to Tears

I had gone a few days and was feeling like I was doing OK with the loss of Ralph and what it means going forward.  It turns out that maybe I was just distracted.  As I read a quote of Cokie Roberts today, the tears immediately flooded every thought from my head.  When it happens, I can't seem to process where they come from or what they mean.  I'm not much of a cryer so this has shook me to my core. 

Cokie Roberts hit me in the heart today.  At first I thought the tears were because she had also just passed away but it was much more than that.  She was speaking of the loss of her sister.  I have often thought that the loss of an ex-spouse who has remained a friend is similar to the loss of a sibling.  You have lost the only person who shared that part of your life.  The person who was there in those decades is now gone and there is no one who can truly understand the you who you were.  Nobody "gets" the jokes or the struggles.  Only you.  And you are left in the silence.  Here are her words:   "The main impact is just the loss, the incredible loss.  The expectations just were gone.  The old age that I expected is different.  It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be in the next rocker..." 
She nailed it.  It's the loss, the incredible loss.  I never expected that Ralph would be gone so soon.  That we would never go to dinner again or laugh together at the kids or grandkids again. That never again would he be with us at Thanksgiving dinner or Easter brunch.  Over.  Done.  Just like that.  There would be no retirement bridge games or trips or volunteer work for him.  There would be no "Isn't retirement great?" lunches.  No anything. 

My heart rips open and when I analyze it, it is just this immense void; a void that I always feel like I'm teetering on.  The void that he fell into and I fear  that it will also swallow me.  Not that I will die but that I will choose the darkness, the sadness over what remains in life.  The tears come and I feel paralyzed.  The step that I was in the midst of falls back to the floor.  And in that moment, I feel nothing but regret.  What would I have done if I'd known?  But I didn't.  We can only live life based on what we know, what we feel, and what we think.  We all did what we thought was right.  In the end no one had the power to avert the events that were unfolding before us.  I know that.  But it doesn't change the sadness that is always a step away.  It's the loss, the incredible loss.