Just Show Up

This past weekend my children said their final good-byes to their father.  It was both beautiful and awful.  But through it all, there was a phrase that I repeated over and over again to myself and to anyone who would listen.  Just show up!

Grief leaves a gigantic hole in your heart and your life.  It cannot be filled and all you know for sure is that your life, as you knew it, no longer exists.  There are no words or cards or flowers that will ease the suffering.  What matters is that someone came and sat with you in your pain, they stood beside you so you could remain upright and then held out their arms to hold you up as they whispered in your ear, "I've got you," when you could no longer do it yourself.

I was deeply touched by all the people who just showed up to stand beside this family in pain.  They came from his early years, from the liquor store era and of course from his life as an educator.  I saw people who  crossed our paths 30 and 40 years ago and I saw people who entered his life only months ago.  And they all came for the right reason; to say thank you to a man who changed the course of their life, to sit beside those he left behind, and to find solace in the fact that they were not alone in their grief.  But I was most moved by those who came from southern California or Sacramento not to mourn Ralph but to support us so that we could, surrounded by their loving arms  Others came from south San Jose and the central valley to attest to a shared life raising kids and trying to get it right.  They came from long ago memories of babies and schedules and work.  Together, we laughed, we cried, we celebrated this man who touched so many.  And when it was over, my children somehow had the strength to take the next step forward into this unknown existence of life after death,  But it was only because they were righted by those who took the time to just show up.

These three words have become my mantra.  It is a rule to live by not only at funerals but in life.  It takes courage but it is all that can ever be asked of us.  For in the end, that is the greatest act of love.  Showing up, being present, saying I choose to be here beside you.