Five-Day Silent Retreat

I have just completed a 5 Day Retreat at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Los Altos.  

The weather was glorious. I was able the watch the miracle of sunrise every

morning and it was a time of reflection, peacefulness, and slowing down.  I am leaving the

notes from the daily presentations here as well as the lyrics that popped into my head.

For some reason, each morning as I trekked down the hill to coffee and breakfast, a song

would enter my head.  I’m not typically drawn to music so it was quite fascinating.

Five-Day Guided Retreat

March 13, 2019

Wednesday 4:15 PM

Here in this place.  On holy ground. On eagles wings.

Living life among the trees with the wind among us as is the Spirit.  All writers should

have a space this beautiful in which to compose.

I forgot how beautiful it is here.  How the awe strikes you dumb in just one glimpse.  

You know that you are someplace special and that something wonderful awaits you.  

The tears are making themselves known already.

Goals for this retreat.  

Return to my focus on contemplation.  Finding and welcoming the silence.

Be present to this moment and let it reveal all that is waiting for me.  

Quiet the ego and worries of the mind.   What will be. Enough. This is enough.

You are enough.  

Day by Day

Day by day

Day by day

Oh Dear Lord

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day

March 14, 2019

Thursday, 12:00

Encountering Jesus

Who do you say that I am?

*You are God.  You are the Lord, the Messiah.  You have come that we might grow

closer to God and that the divine in you will truly know what it is to be human.

You are my savior, the one who loves me more than I can fathom.

What does my relationship with the Lord Jesus look like?  Is my life Christ-centered, in

knowing Christ deeply and following him in faith, love and selfless service

*My relationship with Christ is that of constant companion.  It is the “Did you see that?”

conversation that is ongoing throughout the day.  Christ centering is happening more

deeply every day as I grow closer to the Source.  I give myself the permission to fall on

and off the path of following Christ. There is still fear in being truly known to Christ or

in giving him permission to know me

 

Do I consistently create sacred space to remain in his presence, in silence, to be looked

upon by him?  Do I allow his tender gaze to warm my heart? What distracts me or gets

in the way of this personal intimate relationship with the Lord?

*It is consistent and then it is gone.  I still fear to be loved completely by him.  His tender

gaze frightens me. The tears show that the divine is near and I cower.  I get in the way.

The mindless dialogue that goes on in my brain. My ego gets in the way and I allow it

to happen until I don’t and then I do again.

Gather Us In

Here in this place new light is streaming

Now is the darkness vanished away

See in this space our fears and our dreamings

Brought here to you in the light of this day

Gather us in, the lost and forsaken

Gather us in, the blind and the lame

Call to us now and we shall awaken

We shall arise at the sound of our name

We are the young, our lives are a mystery

We are the old who yearn for your face

We have been sung throughout all of history

Called to be light to the whole human race

Gather us in, the rich and the haughty

Gather us in, the proud and the strong

Give us a heart so meek and so lowly

Give us the courage to enter the song

Here we will take the wine and the water

Here we will take the bread of new birth

Here you shall call your sons and your daughters

Call us anew to be salt for the earth

Give us to drink the wine of compassion

Give us to eat the bread that is you

Nourish us well and teach us to fashion

Lives that are holy and hearts that are true

Not in the dark of buildings confining

Not in some heaven light years away

But here in this place the new light is shining

Now is the kingdom, now is the day

Gather us in and hold us forever

Gather us in and make us your own

Gather us in, all peoples together

Fire of love in our flesh and our bones

Fire of love in our flesh and our bones

March 15, 2019

Friday, 9:00 A.M.

Putting on the Mind of Christ

Love generously and lavishly.

The greatest shall be the least.  They will have the greatest freedom to serve

Honoring the child.  Embrace the powerless who have nothing to offer to you.

How have you loved despite knowing you will get hurt in the process?

What’s it like to for you to love even when you are rejected, ignored or

unappreciated?

In what ways do you live humility in your life?  

How do you seek to be last and not be consumed to be judged the best of the greatest?

What are your gifts that you have used in the service of the reign of God?

What has kept you grounded so that you don’t fall into the temptation of

being entitled?

What are the people who remind you to stay humble?

Do you feel slighted or offended when the world overlooks you or considers you

insignificant?

Is being a servant to others life-giving to you or does it feel burdensome?

Jesus says, “Whoever receives me, receives not me, but the One who sent me.”  

How have you been welcoming and hospitable to God in your life?

Opening myself to a more generous and lavish love.  Slow down. Open my

heart to what can be instead of what I want or have planned.  Surround myself with the Ann

Fischers and Nancy Doyles of the world.

Remember that the habits of mind are constantly changing.  Know, as the alcoholic

does, that I’m going to take that drink, I’m going to forget to pray or walk.  Something

will get in the way. Forgive yourself before it happens. You will be prepared for the

missteps and ready to go left to right the drifting boat.  

Canticle of the Sun

The heavens are telling the glory of God,

And all creation is shouting for joy!

Come, dance in the forest, come, play in the field,

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

Praise for the sun, the bringer of day,

he carries the light of the Lord in his rays;

the moon and the stars who light up the way unto your throne!

The heavens are telling the glory of God,

And all creation is shouting for joy!

Come, dance in the forest, come, play in the field,

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

Praise for the wind that blows through the trees,

the seas' mighty storms, the gentlest breeze;

they blow where they will

they blow where they please to please the Lord!

The heavens are telling the glory of God,

And all creation is shouting for joy!

Come, dance in the forest, come, play in the field,

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

Praise for the rain that waters our fields,

and blesses our crops so all the earth yields;

from death unto life her mystery revealed

springs forth in joy!

The heavens are telling the glory of God,

And all creation is shouting for joy!

Come, dance in the forest, come, play in the field,

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

Praise for the earth,

who makes life grow

the creatures you made to let your life show;

the flowers and trees that help us to know

the heart of love

The heavens are telling the glory of God,

And all creation is shouting for joy!

Come, dance in the forest, come, play in the field,

And sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

Sing, sing to the glory of the Lord!

March 16, 2019

Saturday 9:00 AM

Imagining yourself at the foot of the cross, contemplate the Lord’s suffering and death,

asking for the grace to be transformed by Christ’s redemptive love.  Allowing yourself to

identify with Jesus in his suffering, what do you see and hear...what moves and touches

you?

Christ emptied himself on the cross out of his immense love for us.  As you reflect on the

mystery of Christ’s self-emptying love on the cross, what moves or resonates deeply within

you?  How does Jesus’ emptying of his “self” an invitation to your own emptying of “self” -

from false self to true self?

Self-emptying necessitates an interior disposition of spiritual freedom, that is our

willingness (openness of heart) as opposed to our willfulness (hardness of heart).  

Encountering Jesus at the cross, how are you invited to surrender to grace in order

to be united with Christ in his love and suffering? What blocks or impedes your life

and spiritual growth?  What is in need of healing and transformation?

*As I move into the contemplative prayer life, I embrace the “no longer I and Thou, but

only Thou” approach but I still fear to fully give in to self-emptying that God calls of us.  

It is the fear of vulnerability and completely releasing all that I am. For some reason,

I refuse to accept that in that emptying I will be refilled.

I have difficulty seeing suffering in my life.  Richard Rohr says that suffering is when we

are not in control.  If that is true, it is clear why I don’t comprehend suffering. I am a solver

of problems, a planner and a doer.  Very few times in my life have I felt powerless or

without control. My brother’s death, my divorce - that’s about it.  It takes a lot for me to

give up control so this idea of emptying myself may be a serious challenge. As I move

through lent, this will be on my mind.

Anthony Mello, SJ

You do not have to change for God to love you.

Be grateful for your sins.  They are carriers of grace.

Say goodbye to golden yesterdays - or your heart will never learn to love the present.

Morning Has Broken

Morning has broken like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird

Praise for the singing

Praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven

Like the first dewfall on the first grass

Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden

Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight

Mine is the morning

Born of the one light Eden saw play

Praise with elation, praise ev'ry morning

God's recreation of the new day

Morning has broken like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird

Praise for the singing

Praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the world

March 17, 2019

“May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been

given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance,

praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.”

― Teresa of Ávila

“And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceeding

well.”

― Julian of Norwich

This is the Day

This is the day, this is the day.

That the Lord has made, that the Lord has made.

We will rejoice, we will rejoice,

And be glad in it, and be glad in it.

This is the day that the Lord has made.

We will rejoice and be glad in it.

This is the day, this is the day

That the Lord has made.

We are Called

Come! live in the light!

Shine with the joy and the love of the Lord!

We are called to be light for the kingdom 

to live in the freedom of the city of God!

We are called to love tenderly.

We are called to serve one another, to walk humbly with God.

Come! Open your heart!

Show your mercy to all those in fear!

We are called to be hope for the hopeless,

so all hatred and blindness will be no more!

Sing! Sing a new song!

Sing of that great day when all will be one!

God will reign and we'll walk with each other as sisters and brothers united in love!

Decision Done

During the past few months I have been pondering, wallowing, musing about my experience here in the northwest.  It is beautiful, there is no doubt of that.  I have made some good friends and found a home in my neighborhood.  But I have come to the realization that none of that is enough to hold down my roots.  I have bordered on depression this year with the gloom of this valley.  And this is with any number of trips to San Jose, to Tampa and to Austin.  It is great to be gone but when I return, I am back to my funk.  The darkness gets to me.  The cloud cover is non-stop from November through March.  The primary topic of conversation wherever you go is the weather.  It's on the news every 10 minutes on every channel.  And I get it; there's a lot to talk about.  There's the clouds, the storms, the rain, the wind, the snow, the hail, the sleet, the freezing rain.  Yes, we've had it all and after only two years, I've had enough.  I'm ready to once again, fly the coop.  I need sunlight, warm temperatures and a blue sky above me.  Next stop - Florida.  I have bounced back and forth between Texas and Florida but Florida wins out financially and emotionally.  I think that I have settled on north Florida.  It's further than I'd like to be from Mom and Dad but it is a compromise in weather and airport access to San Jose.  One thing I know after all of this thinking and evaluating is that getting back and forth to San Jose to my kids and granddaughters is a non-negotiable.  I always knew that California was some kind of paradise but as with all things, it isn't clear until you leave  a place, everything that you took for granted.  I suppose that is why grieving is so painful.  We don't know beyond the surface level everything that we have.  Gratitude,  journals, and contemplation are only the beginning.  It's when we are left in the darkness, the loneliness, and the emptiness that we know how full our life was. 

Ash Wednesday

Another Ash Wednesday.  Another Lent.  A time to slow down, to be present to the next 40 days.  A time to look inside and reflect on what you see.  This year it will be a time of quiet, of contemplation and of course, discernment.  I gave up the giving up several years ago.  The fact that I can go 40 days without chocolate or alcohol or cussing means nothing in the larger scheme of things.  It is a time to practice loving, giving, and praying.

My Spiritual Home

While at a recent visit back to San Jose, I made one of my usual stops.  It is the stop  that always reminds me that I am OK.  No matter where I am on my spiritual journey, a visit to mass at the Santa Clara Mission on the Santa Clara University campus brings me home.  This time I took the opportunity to ask why.  Many things go into that answer.  First and foremost, it was my introduction to Catholicism which I think defines my continued place in this complicated religion.  I was accepted with open arms completely and wholly with my Presbyterian background.  The liturgies are all led by university professors so they are always on the academic end of the spectrum.  The homilies are thought provoking and connected to our present reality.  They  make me think deeper, beyond my simple thoughts.  It's clearly the reason why my move to the northwest and subsequent search for church has been so difficult.

The welcome to this place did not end with my confirmation.  It was the only place that I believed welcomed me back following my divorce.  Divorce does not end Catholicism - technically it is only when you remarry.  But worshipping in my parish church was simply too uncomfortable for  me to continue seeing myself as a "good" Catholic.  I felt that everyone was looking at me, remembering that I was divorced, and then questioning how I could be there.  I knew it wasn't true and that it was all part of my regret or shame of my failed marriage but nonetheless, it was real.  Walking into the Mission was always one of welcome.  I felt safe.  I felt loved.  I felt Catholic.

This place mirrors the people you see in silicon valley neighborhoods.  They are young and old, black and white and brown and everything in between.  It is a such a simple exercise of answering the Jesuit call to  see God in all those we meet.  We share the peace of Christ with people who look nothing like the image in our mirror.  We smile and give thanks for this simple exercise of universal love.

The music is good.  As each song ends you are left with that reflection - that was good.  It enhances the worship.  Once again this is a product of being on the Santa Clara University campus.  The music department is a vital part of the picture.  The final song leaves you feeling complete and ready to once again face the real world.  You carry with you the love, the acceptance, and the new deeper understanding of the message of God's love.  This place will always be home.

The Mission

Always one of my favorite views during mass.

Leaving a Mark

A few weeks ago, my dear friend lost her brother.  In her eulogy she wrote about the indelible mark he left on everyone he met.  This theme has been on my mind.  Tonight as I watched "It's a Wonderful Life," my thoughts have once again returned to this notion of leaving a mark.  It is a valid topic upon which to reflect.  The world is a different place simply because of our presence in it.  No matter who we are or what we do,  this place called home has been changed by us.  The friends we have made, the work we have done, the children we have borne have all had an effect on the world at large.  We each leave an indelible mark.  Although I admit that some will leave a deeper mark than others though their boisterous personalities or the large shadow they cast because of their role in the world.  But each of us has that power of one to use for good.  As a teacher, I touched many lives and it was just part of the job.  I understood that power but did not dwell on it.  Now in retirement with my focus on time and contribution, I am keenly aware of my impact.  A smile at the grocery clerk or cashier can completely make or change someone's day.  They will carry that good feeling with them and into their homes that night.  The service work I do for food pantries and students is changing lives.  What I read and think and share is all part of the mark I am leaving.  My prayer life holds those I know and care about up to a source greater than I am or can be on my own.  Through my meditation and contemplation, I make room for deeper spirituality.  In that space, a home is burrowed out for goodness and the world becomes a better place because I am in it.  Because I chose to think good thoughts or do good things, the world becomes kinder, more loving and more accepting.  This is true of every single person on the planet.  In this season of Christmas and gift giving, I ponder the gifts I am leaving, the purposeful as well as the unintentional.  To become more mindful and intentional results in greater goodness for all.  We are all connected and what I choose to do with this minute, this moment has the power to change your view and experience of the world, We are, each of us better for having been here.  The mark we leave behind is indeed indelible. 

Putting God into Words

Retirement has led me to many things but the most important one has been my spiritual journey.  What looked like one closed door after another has revealed itself to be a grand revelation.  Six months ago I started working with a spiritual director.  She began by introducing me to Richard Rohr and Thomas Keating.  These two mystics are exactly what I had been searching for before I even knew I was searching.  Rohr's book, Falling Upward made perfect sense to me for my time of life.  Then came my introduction to centering prayer first shared with Christians by Father Keating.  From there began the search for other things that are out there that I have missed by sitting in church and thinking that was enough.  I started looking and listening.  I now receive several daily emails that are reflections from Catholicism, Christianity and Sufism.  I listen to weekly podcasts that are spiritual or thought provoking in nature and one that just reminds me of the importance of kindness in the world.  

As I grew in my understanding of my spiritual nature, I began to struggle with the words to explain it.  I am a great lover of words but language has always seemed too confining for God.  Once we name anything, we put it inside a box and that 's not possible with God.  My spiritual director challenged me to do exactly what I said that I couldn't.  Here was the assignment that we brainstormed together:

What is the image or symbol of God that works for you?

What are the qualities of your understanding of God?

How does that essence show itself to you?

How do you feel the presence of God?

How do you connect with it?

And here is the resulting work in progress:

God is my Source, the source of all; all things and all beings.  It is in this Source that I live and move and relate to the world around me. My own spirit, my true self is directly connected to the Source.  We were one before I was born and my true self will return to the Source after my death. While I am here on Earth my job is to learn to live in love, to be one with other beings in love.  All of the joys and challenges that I experience are a result of this one and only goal.

The symbol of God or Source or Creator, that works for me is breath.  As I stop to take in the breath and let it out I am reminded that the Holy Spirit is connected to that breath.  As I focus on the breath, I am one with the Source. I breathe in and out, I am reminded of my union with the Source. We are one when I acknowledge that presence. While the presence is always there, it waits for me to acknowledge our union. This for me, is the power of centering prayer. As I quiet my body and mind, I make room for our union together. The 20 minutes of silence is not the gift, it is what comes as a result of that quiet. I make a space for the Source and in that space I become deeply aware that the Source and I are at work together. Working in prayer, in love, and in service to others

I find that my closest connection to the Source is in the quiet.  When I make room for it, it is always there waiting for me to come to be one, once again.  I am learning to grow in love and allowing myself to become closer to the Source. This only happens in the stillness of my life.

Each morning I begin my day by writing for 30 minutes. It is a stream of consciousness that allows me to come face to face with my true self. It brings clarity to my life and to my relationships. It helps me understand who I am, what I really think, and identify my place in the world. But above all, it is prayer..  Prayer becomes simply a conversation between my true self and my Source. It is no longer asking for things for others, it is just an invitation to be present with me.  Sit with me, be with me and in the time together, I will learn.

I need quiet in my life. This is the reason that I feel the essence of the Source in the woods. Living in the northwest has made it possible for me to journey into the woods at a moment's notice. As I enter the quiet, I am aware that I am in a sacred place. This is my church. I am surrounded by beauty, by the awesomeness of creation, by this all-encompassing feeling that I am deeply loved I breathe in this beauty that surrounds me and in the stillness, I am at peace. I am one with my creator, my Source.

God is ever-present in my life.  The once a week church service is not enough to feed my spirit everything that it is yearning for.  It needs the academics of the knowledge of the mystics. It needs the experience of quiet and the stillness to be united with the Source. It needs the sacredness of the walk in the woods. So I journey forth, deeply aware of my relationship with the Source as I continue the work of courage, compassion, and connection.

Tick Tick Tick

I knew that I hadn't written a post in while but I was still a little surprised to see that 3 weeks had gone by without having taken the time to sit and think for just a moment.  I say it all the time but I will document it here.  I am busy, very very busy (insert sarcastic tone).  I honestly do not know where the time goes.  And sometimes I wonder how I was ever able to get myself to work and think about nothing but work for 8-12 hours a day.  In retirement my mind is constantly whirling and the best part of that whirl is that when I question something, I can take the time to figure it out right then and there before moving on to some other thought or wondering.  I think that is where most of the time goes.

Recent ponderings and doings over the last few weeks in no particular order:

• Spending time with my kids - Lucia's birthday and Spring Break
• Planting flowers and shrubs here and there with no particular plan in mind
• Following through on my art plan - I have registered for a drawing class and met up with a friend to do some actual learning to figure out where this will lead
• A short trip to Ridgefield and Woodland to visit some nurseries
• I have joined First Presbyterian Church, a book club and Bible study
• Enjoyed a weekend trip to my cousin's for some wine tasting and laughs

I like seeing this list and realizing that a lot goes on in the quiet of this new life.  I am making friends and meeting up for coffees and lunches keeping the socialization genes in tact.  I am continuing my journey of life long learning in new areas.  I am giving back by volunteering with the poor and the environment.  I am reading, (sometimes) writing, baking, and gardening.  And no, I never ever wonder what I will do with  my time.  It just seems to take care of itself as I follow along for the ride.