Daycare September 2012

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Life List: Thighs

Officially, here is the item on the list, Look in the mirror with my fitness pants on and not see the side bulge at the top of my thighs.

This is difficult to gauge or measure but I'm calling it done! As I move my hands down the side of my body from my waist, it goes in a straight line. Point #2: I am willing to wear compression fitness pants in public. Yep. That's a done deal.

Summer Fun

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Life List: Walk the Golden Gate Bridge

On the way...the beauty of fog on the hills along 280

In honor of my approaching birthday I treated myself to one of the items on my life list.  And it was so worth it.  Those who don't live here will not see the beauty in the fog on the bridge but the locals know there is a sense of mystery to it.  And when it does lift, you are given an amazing gift.  Gifts are valued for their rarity so it is OK to be in the fog in the everyday.

Ready to walk

Heading through the first tower

Happy me!

Coming through the north tower

Love the daddy/daughter icon

Heading back

View of the Marin headlands

Starting to clear...

Pain in the Silence

Silence is golden.  Most of the time I would agree with that old adage.  Silence brings a peacefulness that allows your mind to wander and think great thoughts.  But when silence takes over where there once was noise, there is an awkwardness in the air, one that only time will heal.  I went through this feeling several months ago when Jack became ill.  Coming home to an empty house took me weeks to get over.  Now it seems I am also to become the owner of an empty yard as well.  In the past 2 weeks I have lost all 3 of my hens.  The quiet seems to be everywhere.  I entered into raising chickens with the knowledge that all kinds of things could take them out - raccoons, opossums, disease.  They gave me 2+ years of fun - watching them grow from chicks to pullets to hens, laying eggs first in the laying boxes but then what turned into our daily egg hunts, feeding and watering them became one of our daily pleasures with the day care kids.  I will miss the girls but mostly their clucking and waddling out to greet us as we came through the gate.  Today the emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I was raking up the wayward feathers there was a deadly silence interrupted only by the scratches of the squirrels scurrying up the redwoods.  So that's what is left of "Grandma's farm."  But, fear not, the chickens will be replaced next week.  3 more baby chicks have been ordered and should arrive on Tuesday.  However, I'm not sure this group will be named.  For one thing, it's too hard to tell them apart and for another the next time I have to say good-bye to an animal I'd rather not call it by name. 

Pondering the Other Alternative

A common response to complaints about life is often short and to the point; it beats the alternative.  The alternative is, in a nut shell, not being here.  Death is not something I think a lot about.  I've had my share of losing loved ones but not like most people have.  I am blessed to still have my grandfather and parents, as well as  most of my aunts and uncles still walking the earth.  This past week I pondered losing one of the most important people in my life.  My sister has been fighting C. diff for the past 3 years.  One of the things we both have  in common is that we tend to believe that everything will turn out in the end.  She is one of the most positive people I have ever met.  However, this last bout had beaten her down pretty low.  I don't think I've ever heard her as resigned to fate or destiny or whatever as she was last weekend.  Despite the knowledge that everyone she knew was praying for her and that her son and daughter-in-law were willing to make incredible sacrifices, she just couldn't believe she would ever be rid of the nasty bacteria.

Tuesday she was scheduled to undergo a medical procedure that we all knew was a last ditch effort.  She had been through every drug thought to have been effective against C. diff, both tested and experimental.  Some of them she had done 2 or 3 times with no effect.  She had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, thanks to the American medical system which is run by insurance companies who make all the rules.  If you don't fall into their rules, you pay!  So not only was she sick but knowing full well that she was digging a financial hole deeper and deeper every time the C. diff struck again.

I knew this was a horrible little germ that could eventually take its final toll on her.  When you can't eat, the body simply cannot continue to function in the way it needs to.  I assumed that eventually organs would shut down.  But the more I read about the disease, the more of that yuck feeling set in.  I would read and deny, read and deny.  How could my sister not be here when my 104 year old grandfather was?  How could this amazing woman simply cease to be that shoulder for me to lean on?  No!  That was not going to happen.  We still had plans, lot of plans.  She is a significant part of my Life List.  I could not imagine life without her.  But Monday and Tuesday, that is exactly what I did.  I remembered all the crazy things we did in times gone by.  We have lived very parallel lives - marriage, kids, divorce, and rising out of the ashes to become home owners and independent women who have found joy in our freedom.  I thought about the future that lies ahead.  I needed her beside me on my journey.  Yes, I do know how selfish that sounds.  And that is the pain in "the alternative."  We are left alone with our plans for tomorrow.  Alone. 

And now for the happy ending...  The procedure was a success.  She is back to eating again and finding the joy of simple pleasures in life.  She is slowly but surely sounding more and more positive and regaining her belief that everything will fine.  I am back to planning and looking forward instead of backward.  So here is to my sister, to dreams fulfilled, to travels together, to my third shoulder.  I love you

Welcome Lucia Anna

Tomorrow morning we will officially welcome Lucia Anna into her loving family.  She has already blessed us in so many ways.  So, to the happiest baby I've ever met, may you be blessed in little and big ways.  

 

Lucia Anna, we welcome you into this community of love with open arms.

You have been born from and into love.  May you always be embraced by it and know the strength that it will bring you. 

May you walk in wisdom and grace in all things.

Learn to listen to your heart.  It will lead you to true happiness.

You are the one and only you. You have been born for a purpose that no one else can fulfill. Believe in yourself and become who you were meant to be.
 

Live mindfully and fearlessly.  Laugh.  Follow your dreams.  And dance.

Going Back In Time

My last bike ride was a conscious effort to go back in time. Several years ago my teaching journey took me to George Mayne Elementary School in Alviso. The town of Alviso had always had a soft spot in my heart. It is just one of those pockets in the bay area that has somehow retained its original identity. Horrible things have happened to that town because of some very poor planning by the water district. The years I was teaching there, they were just starting to pick themselves up and start over. I had heard that changes had been made so I was anxious to see the little town. In once upon a time time, you would drive down Lafayette Street out of Santa Clara past the golf course and once the street sign changed to Gold Street you knew you were someplace else. You were surrounded by wooden structures, wider streets, the bay on your left and what was left of the town on your right. There is a long history to Alviso. It was once a bustling entrance to the San Francisco Bay. All that was left to time and weather so in my time here it was never a pretty town but you always had the feeling that there was an incredible spirit that had been left behind by its residents. Imagine my surprise when as I crossed that imaginary line into town I saw some kind of residence inn on my left and an educational center on my right. The water looked good and they have made it possible to launch your boat once again but it all looked wrong. So very wrong. They are building high density housing where those pink and yellow houses used to be. So sad to lose the identity that this town used to have. Even the parks looked wrong. As I left town it hit me, it just looks like more San Jose. Why is it that today's architects and city planners make everything look the same? The signs are an ugly brown and concrete walls are everywhere. Are they keeping people in or out? What on earth are we afraid of? But on the bright side, when I arrived in town, I got out of my car and was greeted with the smell of skunk. I can't tell you how many mornings I started teaching with that odor in my nostrils. And as I came out of the Guadalupe Trail, I heard roosters crowing. HAH! They haven't booted out the roosters yet. I know their time will come but I only pray that some young Alvisan will rise up and say NO, this is not who we are. And the building will stop. No more condos. No more walls. The skunks and roosters can remind us of so much that once was.

Just Be Nice

This is a phrase that keeps echoing in my head.  It is something that I recently heard over and over again at a high school graduation party.  Parents were saying that when it comes down to it, all they really want is for their kids to be nice.  This is huge when I think about all the things that a parent may want for their 18 year old almost adult.  That is what all our parenting is about - just be nice.  It also popped up in a discussion with a friend about her aging mother.  Why can't she just be nice?  Now this is not something that just happened - she didn't get not nice because she was old.  But when you're trying to get good medical care for your mother, it might change things if the patient could be nice.

So what does it mean to be nice?  In my toddler world, it is don't hit, kick, pinch, bite or push.  But all good teachers know that you don't define anything in the negative.  Be nice is use your inside voice, treat everything and everyone gently.  To the parents of 18 years old it is to treat others with respect, and once again to use that inside voice and be gentle.  And to the aging parent it is to accept that others may know more than you do and to listen without judgment.  There is no need to say out loud every little thing that comes into your head and to realize that your life and well being are now in the hands of others.  So just be nice.

But what is it really?  It is to smile when someone makes eye contact with you.  We don't do enough of that anymore.  And when we do, we get it right back.  Smiles are one of the most contagious things around.  That's the thing about being nice; the effects are immediate.  And while you're at it, say hello.  Once again that doesn't happen enough anymore.  We have sort of lost the art of greeting one another when me meet and saying goodbye when we leave.  Part of being nice is also the art of politeness.  It is saying please and thank you and you're welcome.  It is also saying no thank you and excuse me. 

Being nice is being a positive force in the universe.  It is to look at life and each other in the best of terms.  Finding the beauty in the world instead of what is wrong is a perspective that sometimes takes practice.  But once accomplished, it is hard to go back.

Practice humility.  None of us is better than anyone else.  We have all been gifted in different ways.  Accept that everyone has their journey with highs and lows and that if we help each other along the way the path gets a little easier for everyone.  When we boast and brag or put ourselves above someone else it can only result in the other person feeling sad or less than equal.  Being nice lightens everyone's load and makes the world a better place.

Help each other.  When someone falls down, help them get up.  An ice pack or a band aid go a long way at my house.  If they are sick, give them a call or send a card and let them know that you are thinking of them.  When you accidentally bump them, apologize.  It's the little things in life that make all the difference.

Be nice.  It is what I am trying to teach my daycare kids.  It is what I try my hardest to model to everyone I meet.  It is still a struggle sometimes but if we all try a little harder the world will definitely be a nicer place for each and every one of us.

Fun at Work

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In the Blink of an Eye...

In the blink of an eye everything can change. This is a phrase that keeps popping up at the oddest times. I am struck by how quickly the known and routine can suddenly be blasted into smithereens so that it is unrecognizable. I am at an age where I am developing a bit of perspective. Some things in life seem to on and on endlessly while others are here and gone. What we know and trust to be true and assume will go on forever are simply gone or at least dramatically changed.

Last Christmas Eve began predictably and suddenly with the bark of the family pet whom everyone trusted and adored, our lives were turned upside down. What followed that bark was the scream of a toddler followed by the shriek of her mother. My granddaughter's face was scarred and none of us who were there will ever be the same.

On Memorial Day, my son-in-law was in a freak incident that resulted in 20 stitches on his right hand as well as a severed tendon. In the blink of an eye he became a spectator parent and my daughter the sole caretaker of a somewhat less than mellow 2 year old and her baby sister. Parenting 24/7 never meant as much to me as it does now. On minimal sleep she feeds, dresses, bathes, and gets both kids ready for bed. She deals with the toddler tantrums as well as breastfeeding the baby. She carries on with her social commitments and continues to challenge herself in the parenting department. It is something to behold.

In the blink of an eye everything changes. We simply stand up and take the next step forward. What was, is no longer. We look at the puzzle pieces remaining and somehow put them together again to make a picture, not the picture we thought it was going to be but a beautiful picture nonetheless. We are strengthened by the challenges and walk a little taller knowing that we have been tested. There will be more to come; we know not when. And in the blink of an eye what we believed to be true will change once again.

Life List - Run a 5K

A few months ago I set a goal to run a 5K so it naturally landed on my Life List.  I don't really know what I had in mind when I set that goal; whether it was really running for the full 3.1 miles or just running more than walking.  I read somewhere that running is defined as having both feet off the ground simultaneously.   Most people consider a 12 minute mile as a run and anything below that as walking.  Whatever the definition, I am considering my "run" yesterday as meeting my goal.  I completed the See Jane Run 5K in Alameda in 35:43, my best time ever and even under by best training run of 36 minutes. 

I have to say, it feels a little strange to have met the goal so quickly.  But the reality is that I am moving on.  My next race begins the 10K segment of my summer and I will end with a half marathon in October.  So for the moment, I will just take a breath and enjoy the moment.  Woo hoo.  I did it.  I thank my chiropractor and my friends and family who have supported me, but especially, my daughter,  Maria!

My Life List

A life list is a little like a bucket list only bigger.  It can include anything that fits you and your dreams. Here is my list as it stands today.  However, this is a work in progress, as is everything else in my life.

Places I  Want to Go
Mayan ruins (February 2006)
Italy (June 2007)
Alaska (July 2010)
Eiffel Tower - half done; I still want to go up the elevator (2010 thanks to Bill Carter!)
San Juan Islands August 2016
Stonehenge June 2014
Ireland June 2014
Greece
Pyramids in Egypt
The fall leaves in the northeast with my sister
Machu Picchu
Cuba
Natchez Trail April 2014
Australia
Catalina - don't know why I haven't been there yet (July 2015)
Mesa Verde - again!

Things I  Want to Do With My Life
Be a mom (1977, 1979)
Teach(1990)
Publish something (2020)

Volunteer in my grandchild's classroom
Work in a plant nursery

Things I Want to Do for Fun
Hike part of the John Muir Trail (August 2000 - Mist Trail to Vernal Falls)
Snorkel(2006 - Mexico)

Walk a half marathon(October 2009 - San Jose Rock and Roll Half Marathon)

Run a 5K (June 3, 2012 See Jane Run - Alameda, California)
Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge - why haven't I done this?(July 28, 2012)
Ride in a hot air balloon (October 13, 2012 Santa Rosa, California)
Go white water rafting
Vacation with my grandchildren - this is still one of my favorite memories of my grandparents June 2016
Build something out of wood
Hike the Grand Canyon
Make a souffle - I don't think I like them but it seems to be the apex of bakers
Ride on the back of my brother's motorcycle (SOLD 2023)
Drive a stick shift
See my grandchildren graduate
Look in the mirror with my fitness pants on and not see the side bulge at the top of my thighs April 2014
Learn to knit
Bike Napa
Learn to speak French
Kayak June 2014
Carve a pumpkin that I grew from seed - maybe this fall
Take a cooking class in a foreign country Italy June 2015
Step foot in all 50 states - I don't have many to go
Zip line somewhere - I had the chance in Alaska but was too scared Santa Cruz Mountains June 2016
See the Aurora Borealis

Things I Want to Do for My Spiritual Growth
Follow through on a gratitude journal (January 2013)
Get better at breathing through yoga April 2013
Conquer meditation June 2014
Find a place of worship that feeds my spirit October 2015
Answer the question "Who am I?" without a title

Living a Simpler Life

I miss my blog.  I often think about blogging and then my mind goes a little blank.  When I was teaching, things would happen and I would say to myself, "Hmmm.... I think I want to write about that later."  And I would.  It was rare if I didn't post at least once a week.  In this new life, I just feel so content.  I hardly ever think about things that are bothering me.  My writing has always been about issues that I couldn't resolve any other way.  I find myself just sort of floating through life now.  There are still things happening that aren't all sunshine and rainbows but nothing big.  I'm not dealing with adolescent angst or parents that just don't get it.  There are no politics at play here.  I have issues throughout my work day but we deal with them and they are gone.  Poof.  They don't stay in the back of my head irritating me the way they used to.  I know that part of it is being home.  I love being here, surrounded with everything I love.  I can do whatever I need to do when I need to do it.  There is no, "when I get home, I need to..." going on in my head.  It is calm and peaceful. 

This is a simple life and I'm clearly not bothered by things the way I used to be.  But why is it that I have so little to write about?  That certainly wasn't true of Buddha or Thoreau.  They removed themselves from the world and wrote about deep and spiritual topics.  Maybe I'm just not that deep.  Maybe when you remove all the chaos of the outside work world, I'm a lot like my grandfather and simply take each day as it comes.  Or maybe this is part of growing up and no longer being bothered by the little things that used to overwhelm me.

I love writing and I miss it now that the topics don't seem to show themselves.  Perhaps it's time for me to take out my heart map and just write about things I care about.  Writing from the point of view of love and gratitude rather than the kid or parent that ticked me off could be interesting.  Let's just see what comes up...

Fitness Update

OK.  Progress is being made.  So much progress that I am hopeful that this will be the last post about my physical woes for a long long time.  Yes, I'm getting older and yes, there is pain involved.  So let's get over it and focus on the positive.  I continue to walk 2 or 3 times a week.  Sometimes I am bad and I run.  I am uber-aware of my SI joint and stop when there is the slightest twinge of anything - tightness, pain, anything.  This past week I put in a 5 mile walk and met my goal of a 12 minute pace.  I don't know why that was important to me beyond the fact that 12 was less than 13 and I'm bored with 13! 

My chiropractor advised me to do some yoga, swim and bike.  She will be proud when I tell her at my next visit  that I'm doing all three. 

Yoga - I found a yoga studio close-by and have been going weekly.  I like it but in all honesty, it is getting expensive.  I have also found some great yoga shows that I am taping and doing on my own at home.  The beauty of it is that I can watch it, replay it and do it again.  That works for someone like me who competes with herself to do it and do it right. 

Swimming - I struggled to figure this one out.  I could go to the senior center 3 blocks from my house but our hours only coincide on Saturday mornings.  I could go to the public pools but do I really want to expose these thighs to previous students I have taught that I may run into?  I could go to the Y but I quite frankly don't trust the water there.  I know how many people are in that pool and what they may have done while they were there!  I could join a private pool but once again, the ugly money thing raises its head.  So yesterday, I went to the senior center and was very pleased.  There were lots of pudgy women like myself and the payoff was worth it.  The bonus is that I am working on my lung capacity - one of the things that got all this fitness stuff started.  A few months ago, all I wanted to do was figure out how to run without running out of air.  Well, it looks like swimming will deal with the breathing thing.

Biking - This morning I went on my first real bike ride since last summer.  I chose Coyote Creek Trail because I have never done it (remember, I am easily bored) and I had heard from a friend what a beautiful place it is.  Imagine my pleasure when I realized that I now own a car that will hold a bike either direction, vertically or horizontally.  No dismantling the wheel and reassembling necessary.  So off I went to Coyote Creek Park.  I put in 14 miles in 1 1/2 hours.  That sounds pretty good to me but I have no idea if it is or not. 

That's the great thing about this cross training thing.  I don't become obsessed with time and distance because I am changing it up all the time.    In yoga, I'm just trying to get through the stretches without pain.  In the pool I am focused completely on my lungs.  Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I swam competitively as a child.  I don't remember struggling to breathe!  And on the bike, I'm thinking about the pain in my butt.  I've been told that will pass.  If not, I foresee a new bike seat or some padded shorts in my future.

So that is the state of things.  Through exercise and yoga, I am strengthening my muscles to hold my joints and bones.  There is pain now and then but nothing I can't handle.  I am aging and evidently that is just something that is going to hurt.  I still feel healthy and give thanks every single day when I wake up and am able to get out of bed.  Perhaps the little twinges are just a quiet reminder that I'm alive.  I love challenging myself and meeting the challenge.  And I love that I have people in my life who can support me and help me figure out ways around the pain.  That seems to be what this stage is all about; challenges I set for myself and friends and family that cheer me on.  So here's to finding new ways to exercise so that I can remain healthy.

A Lovely Mother's Day

I am in an amazing place in life.  My children appreciate me for who I am.  They respect what I have done and what I am doing.  Many people live their whole lives without coming to that point.  I just had one of my best Mother's Days ever. 

I started the day by crying through a blog post of my daughter's.  She said everything any mother would wish for her child to say as she became a mother herself.  The funny thing to me is that I distinctly remember watching her as a new mom 2 years ago and thinking that she is so much better at this than I ever was!  It's all in the perspective. 

I met my son for coffee and we had a great conversation.  It is so good just to have time to sit and talk.  We talked about school and work and relationships and movies and politics.  Those are the talks I love.  They flow in and out and when you're done, you say, that was good. Later in the day, I received a delivery of a fruit arrangement from him.  So thoughtful and delicious. 

I spent the afternoon in one of my favorite places in the world - Central Park in Santa Clara.  It is full of mothering memories for me.  What better place to be on Mother's Day than with your child and grandchildren in the place that you loved as a mom?  We picnicked, walk around the pond, and hung out in the playground while Callie played.  An amazing afternoon. 

My heart is full as I write this.  Mother's Day hasn't always been my favorite day on the calendar.  Some of them have been hard - that's the only word for it.  But this one was definitely a good one.  I am loved.  I am respected.  I am appreciated for all that I have done.  That feels good.  I am thrilled that my children are able to say thank you and that I am in a place where I can graciously accept it and know that we are all better when we take the time to speak what is in our hearts.  I'm not a fan of these "Hallmark Holidays" but I am grateful that it gives us the opportunity to say I love you.  

The Walking/Running Thing

The past month has taught me things about my personality that I would never have known any other way.  As much as I have told myself, I can't run, given the right situation, I can't keep myself from running.  I am not, I repeat, I am not a competitive person.  I stay as far away as I can from competitive sports.  Anything I do, I do alone.  Walk, Swim, Yoga, Bike.  Those are all things you do for the most part alone.  But the reality is that when I am in a group walking/running situation, I run.  Two weeks ago I did the Big Sur 5K.  It was my first test.  My goal was to do a 13 minute pace which would have been a 39 minute walk.  However, at the .5 mile mark what loomed in front of me was a hill, and not a small hill.  My head immediately told my body - no way you're doing a 13 minute mile, you better start running.  So from time to time throughout the 5K, when the urge hit me, I ran.  I was happy with my ending 38 minute time.  But within an hour, I was in pain, a pain that I couldn't seem to stretch out.  I knew I had done too much but the truth is that I didn't really care.  I still believed, no matter the evidence to the contrary, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.  A week later I was in the chiropractor's office learning more about my body and its weird makeup.  It turns out that I am definitely out of alignment, the kind of out of alignment the causes real pain just in lying down on a hard surface.  We messed a bit with her skeleton and I got it.  Bone on bone hurts.  OK.  I'm done running.  For the next week and a half on my walks, I really did walk.  No running.  At all.  Then on Saturday I did another 5K.  I knew 30 minutes before the race that I wasn't going to be able to walk.  I'm not sure if it's the energy I feel before these races or it's just my hardheadedness.  I walked and I ran, I walked and I ran.  End result; another 38 minute 5K.  But the sad thing was that I wasn't happy about it.  38?  38?  Again!  Shouldn't I be getting better?  Shouldn't I be getting faster?  I was getting better because this one didn't hurt.  But the reality is that nothing is ever going to change in my skeleton.  I can't untwist my spine.  I can't lower my left hip so that it's in alignment with my right.  All I can do is say good-bye to races.  My brain will never let this stuff go.  So I will do a 5K next month and a few 10Ks, followed hopefully by my last half marathon in October.  Then I promise to act my age.  I will walk.

Aging; The Physical Side

I have often posted about reflections of where I am on my life journey; looking back, looking forward, pondering the family tree but it has always just been in my head. Now I can feel exactly where I am on the journey and the only word that comes to mind is ouch. A few months ago, I had set a goal for myself to transition from being a walker to a jogger. I knew that I would never move into the realm of running but I wanted to at least have both feet off the ground simultaneously. I did what I thought were all the right moves. I consulted people who knew me and how to go about it in a healthy way. I bought a few little tidbits that would help - better shoes, a GPS watch and heart monitor. And then I took off with the help of my iPhone app Couch to 5K. I was well on my way until a few weeks ago. On a random Wednesday morning I came back from my morning walk/run and could barely make it in the house. Somewhere around the 8th step past the doorway I missed one and my back seized. I somehow got through the day of lifting babies, icing my back on and off, and taking ibuprofin. The next day it was slightly better but that was the only improvement there was to be for a while. A few days later I drug myself to Kaiser and got the typical prescription for anti-inflammatories and even a serious pain killer but still no long term relief. I am now under the care of a chiropractor for the first time in my life. She is amazing but this is clearly going to be a long journey. I am learning a lot about bones, joints, ligaments and muscles but the crux of the matter is that there is no hope of me becoming a jogger or runner. I have scoliosis and a sacroilliac joint that has simply had enough of my shenanigans. I am limited to walking, cycling, swimming and yoga. The word limit is not one that I am very familiar with. I have always believed I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I am beginning to realize what it means to say can't. I can't walk more that a mile and a half a day. I can't do basic things like bend over and pick something up without wincing. I can't trust my body. That is the heart of it. So this is aging. Saying no to things that I have taken for granted for my entire life. It is no longer believing that I can set a goal and be able to accomplish it. It is being in pain and then being surprised when the pain is gone and remembering that this is what it used to be. It has created in me a sense of gratitude that I have never felt before - I am thankful when I stand up and my legs actually move forward, thankful that I CAN walk, thankful that I can continue to work and take care of myself. I am hopeful that I will one day be painfree but I know there is no guarantee of that. In the meantime I will continue walking every day for as long as I possibly can.

Daycare

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An Unexpected Change

I have always enjoyed walking but have never really taken the time to do it regularly. Well, all that has changed since I retired from teaching. I have daylight time to walk either before or after work and for the first time am taking advantage of it. A few years ago I got semi-serious about this because I wanted to do a half marathon and believed the years were zipping by and I had better do it before I couldn't. Well, here I am almost 3 years later and in my opinion am already in better shape than I was before I did that half marathon. I am a regular walker of the Stanford Dish, have sort of conquered Windy Hill and have created a "training" schedule. I am walking 3 miles 3 days a week and putting in an additional walk on the weekend. Before I knew it I found myself at Road Runner buying a real pair of shoes and socks and have added to my athletic wear wardrobe.

Well a funny thing happened a week or so ago. I suddenly started mixing in some jogging with the walking. This was nothing I planned but once it started my obsessiveness kicked in and I couldn't let it go. So now I find myself trying to move into the jogging world and have very little idea of how to go about it. I have registered for several 5ks and 10ks - one a month from now through October and am very anxious to see where this is all headed. I, for one, have no idea but it is exciting to be challenging myself in a very different way.

Grandpa 2012

As February moves on week by week, it brings thoughts of Grandpa's birthday. My grandfather will celebrate his 104th birthday on March 2. Many years ago I realized there was nothing I could give him besides my words - words that showed

him how important he has been in my life, words that retell the story of our love affair, words that will last forever. The first few years I had no concern of where those words would come from. But as time marched on I approached the gift with reservations - what would I say that I hadn't already said, what would be my metaphor for the love we have shared, how do I tell him all that he is and has been to me? This year I had an added concern; where would I find the time to write the letter. Once again I had no need for any of that needless worry - a lesson that he tried his best to teach me decades ago. This year's letter was written during nap time today. It turns out that all I ever need to express my love for Grandpa is a few quiet moments.

Dear Grandpa,

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t been sitting beside you while you read my card and letter. It is sad not to feel your arms around me but my Grandma Tere duties call. In a few short days you will have another great great grandchild adding the next branch to your family tree and I will be here to greet her and tell her all about the amazing man who stands at the trunk of that tree.

Baby Girl, your great great grandfather is like no one who has been before or will ever come again. He has loved each of us more completely than any one person ever could. He accepts us for who we are with no judgment or criticism and he has been my idol from my very earliest memories. He is loving and strong. His wisdom knows no bounds and he will gladly share all that he knows with anyone who asks. He is, what someday you will know as, the salt of the earth. He learned long ago to take everything in stride. Whether it is a snowstorm or an unexpected death, he knows there is light just around the corner and he just has to patiently wait for happier times because he knows that they will come. He lives a simple, honest life and has shown each generation how important it is to be true to your beliefs and your family. We all look up to him. That is your great great grandpa, the most amazing man I have ever known. I hope that you will meet him soon but you will know him through my stories and your mommy’s and your daddy’s. We all stand in his shadow and know that he is what each of us strives to be – good and loving, strong and happy, wise and wonderful.

Grandpa, thank you for your wisdom through the years, your undying love, and for being such an amazing model for a life well lived. In return for the love you have given me, I promise to do the best I can to be everything to my grandchildren that you have been to me. I send you all my love, respect and admiration and wrap it up in the folds of this letter, praying that it will somehow take the place of your birthday hug. I love you.

Grandma Tere Continued

In just a few short weeks I will become a grandmother for the second time around. It is hard to imagine but just one look at my daughter tells me that time is getting short. Much like becoming a mom the second time, I can't imagine that I'll be able to love this little girl as much as I do Callie. But once again, my heart will crack open and my arms will open wide and there will be this amazing person who will change me in ways I never dreamed possible. I know she won't be anything like Callie and that will be the fun of it. I go to bed at night and think about her, wondering about her eyes and hair. I hear her voice in my dreams announcing her coming. When I imagine seeing her for the very first time I cry. I want to see her and meet her and know who she is just as I did her big sister. I want to hold her and look into those big blue eyes and say I love you, Baby Girl. I want to see her mommy and daddy swallowed up in the amazing love that comes the minute you see your baby for the first time and realize that life will never ever be the same. I want to see Miss Callie's face when she realizes this tiny little baby is who she has been talking to in Mommy's tummy. I want to watch her showing the new CG girl how everything is done in life.

In some ways I know a little something about this grandmother thing but in others it feels all brand new again. I can't wait for this sequel to begin. Come baby come. Show me the love that is to be born again inside of me. Break this heart wide open and prove once again that there is always room for one more.

Business Check-in Revisited

I am a home daycare provider. That is clearly what I have been called to do. I really thought it was something I was going to play around with for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do next. But this IS what I want to do. I have been researching the next step which in my mind was preschool but I'm just not willing to go through the school thing and the student teaching thing and the licensing thing. I'm just too old for all the hoops now. And the reality is that every day I am more and more convinced of the fun that this job brings.

Things I like about my job revisited:
Being home
Spreading the word of good health
"Teaching" on the fly
Watching children learn from one another
Playing with kids
Reading with kids
Baking with kids
Being a witness and guide on the side to language development
Just hanging out and being present in the moment
Finding beauty in the simple things of life
Introducing kids to painting, coloring and sculpting
Smiling, laughing, really laughing every single day

The greatest challenge to me being happy about my job is that other people are disturbed by my happiness. They see me as a teacher, a real teacher, one that goes to work and gets a paycheck. They are constantly laughing and shaking their heads when I talk about my day, my week. No one else seems to be able to put themselves in my shoes or even to accept the thought that I am happy with what I am doing. It is time to stop listening and to start standing up for what I do. I can't change people's minds about daycare providers or what I "should" be doing. But I can stop being part of the conversation.

Happy to Be Where I Am

Change happens constantly and unperceptively. I and everyone around me are constantly changing. I am changed by almost every contact I have in life. I learn more about myself with every day that goes by. I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. Just today alone I had breakfast with Ralph, a walk with 2 friends, ran errands that included purchasing toys for my daycare. I am not who I was when I got up this morning because of those conversations, decisions made and the voice in my head that is constantly questioning, observing and evaluating. I know this. But I am still surprised when I see it in someone else. Over the past few months something or someone has changed Ralph in new and wonderful ways. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't perceive it until it slapped me in the face. Looking back, I am so glad that he and I have stayed in relationship so that I was blessed to see and appreciate this seemingly new him. We have dinner/lunch/breakfast together once a week and the conversation is good. Yes, it is a conversation. We listen to one another and share our hopes and dreams for the future. We speak openly of our love of family, our children and grandchildren, and the work that we are about. When this all began I believed that he was responding to my vulnerability entering into a new business. But perhaps I was completely wrong about that and it was actually that he was revealing his own vulnerability to me and praying that I would protect it. The two of us have been through a lot together and separately. It hasn't been an easy journey but today we are lucky enough to call each other friends. Our relationship has been changed by so many things along the way. Marriage, separation, divorce, followed by years and years of finding our place in one another's lives. He was the one that believed in me more than anyone else when I left the classroom. He was the one that promised me no matter what happened, my mortgage and bills would be paid. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. It is good that through the years we have changed day by day and have come to be in this place in time; two people who understand and respect the other in ways that no one else can.

Business is Good

I haven't posted about work lately... I have been on a bit of a roller coaster with the direction I would like to go in the next year or two. When I look back on the past 5 months I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have to admit I didn't expect to be so successful so quickly. I expected the first few months to be bleak financially. But that has not been my experience. I am still being contacted by people who want my services.

I am currently at a crossroads that will either happen in the coming year or in the next few years. I am leaving it up to the universe or destiny or whatever you want to call it. What I know for certain is that caring for infants, toddlers and preschoolers is near impossible to do well. The different needs, feeding and nap schedules mean that I do little else besides change diapers, comfort and feed these little beings. I am a teacher at heart and really want to do more real teaching. I am amazed at the learning that goes on from ages 1 to 3. So I have already made the choice to not take infants any longer. An option to go into the preschool business is also on the table. I'm pretty sure that is where I'm heading, it's just a question of when and with whom. I sway back and forth between feeling pretty darn good about what I'm doing, to a burning desire to teach and back to wondering if I can't just tweak what I'm doing to make the preschool thing happen right here. I have no idea what will happen or what it will look like when it does. And that has always been the fun of my life. So for now I am happy where I am. It may all change dramatically in the next few months or it could just be a slow evolution where one day I wake up and I realize that I am no longer a day care provider but a preschool teacher instead. I love the fact that even though I am quickly approaching the end of my 6th decade, life continues to surprise me. So like I have always said to my friends, stay tuned...

Resolution to Withdraw

January 2nd - the end of the Christmas season, the second day of new resolutions, a day to breathe in and out and know that the future lies ahead. It was a pretty unusual holiday season this year. I can't say that I am sad to see it go. There was lots of family drama as everyone struggles to find their place in the mix, there was Callie's incident with Milo which I am still trying to let go of, and there is my constant thought about where I'm going in life.

I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to start a walking program 5 days a week so that was off the table for a resolution. So I looked inside. Since I started this job at home I have been constantly tied to Facebook and I knew that it was a problem. My Facebook friends are not my central core and my out of town family members really don't post very often so I felt like I was constantly inundated with posts about the mundane. I didn't feel like anything was going on in my life that I wanted to share with my kids as well as people I'm not really connected to so I made a decision to leave Facebook. A couple weeks ago I stopped posting and commenting and yesterday I made the break. Today was definitely odd not being able to check in whenever it crossed my mind but I know I'm healthier for it. I'm not reading about people's complaints about the weather or the soccer goal that some kid I've never met scored. This absence from Facebook has no deadline. I just knew that it was a problem for me. I have wasted so much time surfing Facebook when I could actually have been talking to people. Yesterday I talked to a dear friend as well as my aunt and uncle on the phone and it felt so good to be part of a conversation rather than a spectator to life. So we'll try this out for a while and see how it changes me.

This Christmas

This has been a Christmas like none other before in my life. I'm not sure I want to erase it because it did have some beautiful moments but there is certainly a piece of it we could have all done without. Plans were made for several celebrations - the family get together, Callie's Christmas, and Bill's family dinner.

Christmas Eve came with high hopes. I couldn't wait to see Callie open her presents and realize that those wrapped boxes were actually hiding books and toys and clothes for her. Every decision I made about the holiday was based on me being with her. Nothing else mattered. I was thrilled coming to Maria and Bill's house. I put the presents under the tree, went out to greet everyone and within minutes all of our worlds turned upside down. Callie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a corn chip and walked out; something we had all seen her do hundreds of times before. But this time it was followed by the attack howl of Milo, their beloved beagle. What followed next is something I will never get out of my mind. Callie screamed and screamed. As Maria ran to stop the attack her screaming overtook Callie's. The house seemed filled with unstoppable noise that brought terror coursing through my very being. Maria brought Callie into the kitchen to try to stop the bleeding but it was clear we would be heading for the emergency room. And here is the horrible part for the grandmother. I was witnessing my daughter go through what I had done a handful of times in my life - holding her baby and being completely helpless to comfort her or take away the pain. But at the same, my baby and I were in the same state. I could not ease my daughter's pain, her sadness, her fears. I wanted the world to stop turning and just give us a moment to get a handle on a situation that was careening out of control. But there was no stopping it. Emergency room, stitches, pain medication, antibacterial ointment, seeping wounds. How could this have happened to this beautiful baby girl and this incredible family? I will never understand it and have finally stopped trying. The end result is that Milo will need to leave his home of 11 years, Callie will carry the scars of her second Christmas and none of us will ever again be the same.

Christmas ended up being exactly what it needed to be for Callie - slow, mellow and at her pace with breaks for eating and napping and playing. My dream of being with her as she experienced this first Christmas of her memory has been fulfilled. It was not at all what I imagined but it is good to remember that life takes its own course. Sometimes we are just spectators to the main event and in time find our place again in its rhythm and carry on as best we can. We have all been changed by this horrible thing. We have been tested. We are all stronger for it and every one of us loves a little deeper. We hold each other tighter and longer and pray that this is the worst thing that ever happens to this precious child.

Christmas Music

I am not a musical person. I can't really sing or play a musical instrument. But for some reason at this time of year, much of my celebration of Christmas is centered on music. In church I revel in the advent songs. I listen to Christmas songs in the car as I travel from point A to point B. I take the time to play the songs that I remember as a child. Perhaps it is because my mom made it a point to sing and play those songs throughout December. Or maybe I just need something to get me through the darkness of winter. For some reason the other night I thought about an album that I listened to while I was a young mom. It is not a kid thing but it got me through a lot of winters. I downloaded it last night and I am loving who I become as I listen to it. I am that loyal Catholic, I am a loving wife and mother who knows that her children are all things wonderful, I am full of potential. That is the thing about the right song. It takes you back to who you were when that song moved your soul. For me in this moment, that song is Creator of the Stars of Night by Marty Haugen. It is a lovely trip through all those Christmases past.

The end of an era

For many years I have been trying to hold on to my own childhood memories of Thanksgiving and reinact them at my dining room table. I guess for most of those years I have been fairly successful. But it is clealy time for me and my memories to step aside and allow the next generation to make the family Thanksgiving celebration whatever it is destined to become. I took Thanksgiving away from my mother-in-law a few decades ago and demanded that it be the one holiday a year that we spend together as a family of four. I have no regrets in doing that. But I would rather give the holiday to my kids than have it taken from me. We are now a family of 7 and soon to be 8. I know Dave and Britt would like to do something different and it's possible that Maria and Bill may want to have their own family celebration. So I have most likely cooked my last turkey dinner. And I'm actually fine with it. I won't miss the stress of orchestrating all those dishes being warm at the same time nor making gravy that is golden and smooth. So let change take its course and take each of us where we will sit at table with smiling faces and grateful hearts. Memories of Grandma Allen's dinners will always be a part of who I am and every Thanksgiving celebration that is yet to be.

Good-bye Jack

Last night I did the hardest thing I've had to do in a very long time. I put my beloved Jack to sleep. A couple weeks ago something started going on with him. He seemed a little lethargic and the legs were all a little tentative. I kept feeling around his pads and moving his joints but nothing seemed to be wrong. Eventually he started favoring his right leg. Once again as I investigated, I could find nothing wrong. Within another day he was crying out in pain when he would try to get down from things - the couch, the bed, the deck. This is not Jack. The dog never complains and I had only heard that sound once before. The pain got worse and so did the yelping. Crying dogs are so much worse that crying babies. So off to the vet we went to try to figure out what was going on. That was as painful as sleeping with a yelping dog. The vet was pretty certain about what was going on but needed to run several tests and prescribe medication to deal with the problem. His first price was $900. As I balked he brought it down to $800. I finally told him to price out what he absolutely had to do to make a diagnosis - the bare minimum. I love my dog but I have always been that person that was not going to go broke keeping my pet alive. I also did not want to see them in pain. So we settled on the $600 range. A few minutes later I was hearing the bad news. Jack had 2 collapsed vertebrae (no disks between the bones), an enlarged spleen and a heart murmur. This did not sound good. The vet was also adamant that Jack should not be around small children. It would be too easy for them to accidentally inflict additional trauma. So we left the office with pain killers, anti-inflammatories and a prescription for a muscle relaxer. This was all new territory for me. So I was hopeful that in a week or two Jack would be his old self again and we could look for a new home for him to live out the rest of his life. The scenario did not play out that way at all. Despite the drugs, Jack remained in pain. He would still try to get down from the couch on his own and still try to welcome everyone who came to the door. By Tuesday, I knew that he wasn't able to deal with this on his own. I crated him for his own protection. That was almost as bad as the yelping - constant scratching to get out, struggling to get comfortable, panting... I let him out in the morning to do a check but nothing was better. So back in the crate he went on Wednesday. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I gave in to his wanting out. I just couldn't do it anymore. He was in pain but he really wanted to be with us, smelling the smells of Thanksgiving and cleaning up any morsels that Callie dropped along the way. I was getting closer to a decision. I could feel it all building up in me. It was so hard to watch him. It was the first time that I carved the turkey and he wasn't at my feet. He could have cared less about me pulling the meat off the bones as I made the turkey soup later that night. I went to bed with a very heavy heart. We had 2 days of pain medication left and then what. If he was like this on drugs, what would he be like without them. I clearly did not want to see that. The alternative was another trip to the vet for more of the same. I woke up yesterday morning praying that he would have turned the corner but he was actually in worse shape. The moving around on Thanksgiving had taken its toll. And now we were down to only one more day of meds. It was clear to me what I had to do. I called the humane society to get the needed information. We spent the day together hanging out and looking at pictures of my buddy in younger days. For some reason none of the pictures accurately portray the joy of Jack. Is it imagined and something that only lives in my heart? My work day ended and I took Jack for one final walk to the car. His tail wagged but that was about all he could do. I met with the receptionist and gave her the necessary information. Jack and I went to the "reflection room" to spend our final minutes together alone. The realization hit me that that my dog was about to die and that I was going to see it. I had just paid to kill my dog. I cried and he leaned against my legs with his tail tucked between his legs. Did he know what was about to happen? What kind of energy had been left behind by other pets in this room. Now it was time for the walk down the hall to the euthanasia room. They explained to me what was going to happen and answered my questions. They gave him the muscle relaxer and he began wobbling a bit so I laid him down on the blanket. It was time. They gave him the sodium pentathol and he was gone. I had snuffed out his life. I know there was no real alternative for us but nonetheless, I had ended my dogs life. Jack was the best of dogs. He loved freely and openly. There was joy and youthfulness in everything he did. It was so hard to believe that it would one day stop so abruptly.

I am grateful to Maria and Bill who seem to understand so much of this without my having to speak the words. I went over there afterwards for a glass a wine, a loving hug from each of them and some petting time with Milo.

And so now I was to begin life without Jack. I came home and tried to ignore that corner of the couch that Jack had been spending so much time in the past two weeks. I threw away what was left of his medication because I just didn't want to see it or think about it. I put the throw on my bed that I would no longer be constantly washing to remove the dog fur and said good night to Jack. I prayed that his spirit was content and could somehow understand what I had just done to him and to us. The thought of life without Jack is so much harder than actually doing it. I can definitely live without him but it was so much more fun with him here. I now truly wake up and come home to an empty house. Or maybe it just seems that way. I will be missing Jack for a long time. He was an important part of my life. I know that I will never ever see Milo without thinking of Jack and the fun they had together. He was a vital part of Growing and Learning Together. He greeted every child every day with love and told them he was happy they had come. And he did the same for me every day that we were together. I love you Jack and I always will. I am sorry that you are gone and that we had to end our partnership so quickly. I thought we would have a few more years together. But I am so happy that you are once again pain free. Just like any other death, I will learn with every day that goes by to live without you by my side. But you will never leave my heart. Thank you for all the good times, all the joy you gave to me and anyone who met you. You were the best! I love you Jack.

Exposure Notices

The last few weeks in the daycare business have been down right interesting. Within a week's time we had a child with chicken pox and two more with head lice. This seems a little odd considering there are only 7 kids enrolled. It's not like it's a classroom of 35. And besides that, the chicken pox kid had been vaccinated. When I got the chicken pox phone call, I hung up feeling sad for Allison and then I realized that as the director/teacher/owner I should do some something. But what? Where is my secretary who is in charge of all that? Oh yeah, that's me too. So my job now was to notify my parents that their precious child has been exposed to some ugliness in the world. And if they hadn't been in my house, it probably wouldn't have happened. So I got to work writing an e-mail that would somehow communicate information as well as care and concern. I hated the thought of being the first person in their lives to give them this news. Guess what; vaccinations aren't guarantees. Little bugs crawl from head to head. You don't need to share combs, brushes, and bows for that to happen. It was especially difficult because the e-mails came back to back. I tried to end the second one with a little light-heartedness. I have no idea if it was effective or not. Once again, time is our friend. With the passage of time I have stopped by psychosomatic head scratching. The chicken pox kid has healed and thankfully the disease did not spread to the 7 month old baby. The affected heads of hair have been treated. I have had time to thoroughly clean the house and put into effect a couple new rules including assigned nap mats. I am feeling more in charge when the unexpected happens and more responsible as these children's caretaker. I am definitely in loco parentis (in place of parents) in this job. There's a good reason that I am accidentally called Mom by my little ones.

Raising Kids

I did know going into this adventure that I would have a feeling now and then that I was raising kids rather than teaching them. There is one in particular where that is definitely true. She comes to me every day and is here from 8:30 until 5:45. That is a long day for a little kid to be away from home. Now factor in the idea that this little darling goes to bed at 8 and gets up around 7. She is definitely mine more than Mom and Dad's. Add to this that about once a month Mom and Dad also have me babysit while they out for some fun of their own. In the last week, there have been several instances that have made me smile but then I feel so incredibly sad for this sweet sweet girl. She knows my refrigerator like it is her own. She often accidentally calls me mama or grandma. She takes off for the outdoors on her own exactly like Callie does. Those are all "cute" things. But tonight my heart almost broke. Each day I fill out a family communication form so the parents know the big events of the day. Dad was reading through it and stopped at the phrase "Good jumping today." We've been working on this off and on for a few weeks. Evidently this was unknown to Dad. His response was, "She can jump?" So sad. So very sad. I never had to make the daycare decision until my kids were in 5th and 6th grade. By then, that decision just meant before and after school care at school. I can't imagine what it is like to leave your child in the hands of another person for most of the day and somehow trust, truly trust that this person will do what I would do. This little darling who comes to me every day for 9 hours a day 5 days a week makes me take my job very seriously. And now that responsibility has taken on even more importance. I am mom and teacher and babysitter all rolled up into one while she is in my home. I sure hope that I am doing it right.

Saying Good-bye

No matter how much I work on the whole notion of birth and death being part of life, the death piece always takes me by surprise. Babies come into this world and we are filled with elation at all that is to come. It's all about potential and knowing that in your hands lies this little being who is going to experience such unfathomable joy. You also know that sadness will find its way into this little life but it's mostly about joy. This new person will know love from his/her mom, dad, grandparents, aunties and uncles. He/she will learn new things with every passing day. He/she will babble, giggle, and laugh out loud from way down deep. He/she will learn that life is at its very core about being happy. He/she will grow up, find his/her way in the world, develop a passion for something or 2 or 3 somethings, fall in love, have babies, grow old and die. He/she will leave behind a legacy of a life well lived but for his/her loved ones in his/her place is a giant hole where a loved one once lived, breathed and loved. Yes, no matter how much we rationalize that death is part of life, at the end the ones left in its wake feel such sadness and loss. We must somehow pick ourselves up and learn to live life without that person who has been such a vital part of our own living.

Yesterday, the Sutter community said good-bye to Carol Ragsdale. You can say a lot of things about Carol. She was an amazing teacher, in a class by herself. She lived her life the way she wanted. In the end she lost her battle with cancer but not without one heck of a fight. On one hand you can feel relief that it is over but on the other, there is only sadness. She died too young. I doubt that she would have ever retired but she could have experienced the joy of more time with her husband, children and grandchildren. She could have seen more beautiful things in the world. She could have just been among us modeling, guiding and cheering on the next generation of amazing teachers. She indeed left an amazing legacy but in her place in a giant hole.

Birth is what can be and death is what could have been. Birth brings such joy that I think I will explode and likewise I am desperately overwhelmed with the sadness that death brings. But it also motivates me to renew the promise to myself to live life on my own terms. We don't know the number of days we have here or the hugs that we will have time to give. So we better not miss any of those opportunities - chances to love, to laugh and to just be with those we love to laugh with.

Leaving Town

Today I made my way up to the pumpkin festival in Half Moon Bay. It is hard to believe but it is the first time I have been out of the San Jose city limits since the first of August. The pumpkin festival is one that I rarely miss. It has always been my favorite. I love fall and I love pumpkin anything so it is the perfect place for me. I have many fond memories of the festival over the past 30 years or so. I loved going with the kids but Ralph hated the traffic and crowds so we probably went with them every couple years or so. But I don't think I've missed one since I have been on my own.

The drive up 280 was so beautiful this morning. Seeing the light reflecting off the trees and hills almost brought tears to my eyes. Then I realized, I really do need to get out more. Even though I am on a tight budget there is still money enough for a ride out of town. And it is necessary to get my head out the business and into all the wonderful things that are out in the world only minutes away. As I continued the drive over 92 I reveled in being under the towering trees. I was being bombarded by beauty every second of the way. Yes, I HAVE to get out more. On the way home I went south along highway 1. I had the ocean on my right and the pumpkin farms on my left. Beauty. Beauty. Beauty.

As I got closer to home my mind wandered to those Sunday drives we took as a family growing up. Is this what they were about? Just getting out of your environment and seeing something new is enough to realign your vision. Perhaps I need to add this to my weekly agenda. Sunday: Get in the car and go somewhere. Let go of your worries. Open your eyes and take it all in.

Flashes of the Past

In this new life with toddlers I am constantly catching myself in moments of deja vu. There will just be a funny little feeling and I'll realize that I have done this before. It is accompanied with feelings of contentment or sometimes exhaustion. I am momentarily confused until I take the time to think about what I'm doing.

When I have my "light" days, we try to get out of the house. Sometimes that is a wagon walk and sometimes it is a short trip to the park. Our walks usually include a visit to one of the fountains in the area. There's just something about water and kids. I vividly remember frequently taking my own children to the fountain at the post office. A trip to post office always included time to put our hands in the water and walk the perimeter several times. Dave also wanted to dig for the pennies that had been dropped there but these kids haven't been allowed that adventure yet. Walking the blocks to the post office I often feel like I am stepping in my own footprints from the past. Everything feels the same - the excitement that the kids feel when the moment their hands hit the water, the fun of making hand prints along the bricks, the fear I have that one will eventually fall in, the risk of walking the wall once, twice, three times until I finally say that it's time to go which is followed by sighs of disappointment. We leave by way of Monroe Street so we can see the Ball Fountain by the bus stop. Then we head for home and they talk about it all the way there.

Last week we took out the Memory game for the first time. The big kids and I played around with the cards and I had the strangest feeling about it all. Then I remembered how Dave loved playing with Memory cards. He would play it over and over again until no one else was interested in continuing the game. Whenever I would ask what he wanted to play, he would choose Memory. That was a memory that I would have thought was lost forever.

I love reliving these moments of motherhood. They always bring a smile and some kind of crazy warmth to my heart. I was blessed to be able to hang out with my kids before they headed off to school and now I am double blessed to be able to live it all a second time.

Progress Reports

In my former life, at this time of the year, I would be preparing progress reports. This is the end of my 6th week as a childcare provider and a couple of my kids have been with me since the beginning. We have all made progress. Growing and Learning Together has turned out to be the perfect name.

Sophia
My everyday girl. She has gone from being the only kid to one of 5. That has not been easy but she has learned that shhh means to close her mouth even if she's crying. She has learned to share me and to know that sitting beside Miss Tere is sometimes as close as you can get to being held. She is walking on her own and has even been seen trying to run. She has gone from being fed to feeding herself to actually sometimes using a spoon. She is still my easiest diaper change, best napper and will eat almost anything I put in front of her. She has a smile that will melt your heart.

Bronx
Our transition has been a difficult one. Only being here 2 days a week make it hard to remember how things go from one week to the next. He has gone from needing a bottle to fall asleep (his mom's thing) to just laying down and closing those big beautiful brown eyes. He still scoots everywhere and some of us like to try and imitate him. He loves playing in the "tupperware" cupboard and cooking in the toy kitchen. He is all boy and loves balls or simply throwing anything in his hand.

Makenna
The oldest. Makenna came in missing mom a lot. Now she knows that Mama always comes back and there is so much to be done while she is gone. She is my little helper - loves to cook, feed the baby and teach the younger ones tips on walking. She is not the "princess" I thought she was the day she caught those blonde locks in the butter while making grilled cheese sandwiches. She has great weakness for play dough and anything crafty. She has been on vacation this week and I miss her terribly.

Allison
I think she is probably a lot like I was as a child - very wary. You have to earn her love and respect. Maria can attest to a few of her stink faces. She is not afraid to say NO (even to me) and blaze her own path. She always has a sippee cup of milk nearby as well as a binkie or 2. Her latest toy from home has been a small rolling suitcase - HYSTERICAL. She will often tell me that she is going on vacation. I have learned to check for toys before she leaves for the day. Her first week here she informed me that she "only takes naps at mommy's house." It seems that nap time at Miss Tere's is OK too.

Sienna
Day 1 I thought that I had met the enemy. I had never seen anything like her. Anything that came into her head, she did. Day 2 she met Allison and everything changed. She found her place in the line-up and I fell in love. She is incredibly bright, mimics everything we say and her flexibility is admirable. Some days she's with the big kids and others the little ones. But she is able to adjust her actions and behavior depending on who is here. She loves to sing but doesn't always want anyone else singing along so maybe it's a performance... She enjoys counting, matching colors and doing puzzles. She is a beautiful blonde who isn't afraid to get dirty.

Lucien
The baby. He is almost perfect. He eats and sleeps in regular intervals and if he's not hungry or tired you have a happy baby on your hands. He will hang out on the floor watching the other kids play for unusually long periods of time. He likes the rings, rattles and his ball. He has an incredible grasp and can always find a fistful of hair if it is within his reach. He is adjusting to his baby chair but everyone else likes it just as much as he does. So sometimes we have to boot them out of it so he can get in his sitting time. He is growing fast and will be crawling before we know it.

So there are my kids. I love every single one of them. They are each unique and beautiful and amazing in their own way. I am in awe of them, all they have learned in such a short time and how they play together. And yes, I am going to say once again, I love this job. I am so grateful for the trust that their parents have placed in my hands. This is crazy beautiful work that I am about.

Define "Potty Trained"

I have 3 kids whose parents informed me while signing up, that their children were "potty trained." In retrospect, I would agree that one of the three is potty trained. With the other two, I have learned the hard way that they need constant accompaniment, not to mention questioning every couple hours, "Do you need to go potty?" They are more at the stage I referred to at the time I went through it with my own kids as parent trained. As long as I remember to ask, we get through the day in a dry state. But the greatest part of all this is that nobody gets upset when there is an accident. They shout out from the bathroom, "I have wet panties." But when all goes well, there is constant cheering and carrying on. The babies clap along with us and everyone is happy.

Slowing Down

Looking at the world through the eyes of a toddler is an awesome spectacle. Step 1 is to simply slow down and see what they see. There are amazing things happening when you are only two and a half feet off the ground. Bugs crawling, birds landing and taking off, squirrels chattering, incline changes on ramps and steps become perils in disguise and the backyard chickens are the scariest things around. Time no longer has any meaning. A 3 block walk to the park pulling a wagon for 2 along with 2 additional toddlers in tow can take anywhere from 10 to 20 or 30 minutes, depending on traffic and what we see along the way. Life lessons are constantly occurring. People we meet along the way are greeted by some of the kids and scowled at by others. We take the time to "learn" how to say hi and smile. My favorites are the elderly. They are the ones that have time to share and don't mind smiling at a frowning child. They stop and ask their names and ages and really want to talk to every one of them. Toys and activities we do every day can turn out differently every single time. Figuring out how safety harnesses work can occupy a toddler for an amazing block of time. Things we simply take for granted without a second thought are mesmerizing. If anyone wants a lesson on living in the moment, start hanging out with a toddler.