A common response to complaints about life is often short and to the point; it beats the alternative. The alternative is, in a nut shell, not being here. Death is not something I think a lot about. I've had my share of losing loved ones but not like most people have. I am blessed to still have my grandfather and parents, as well as most of my aunts and uncles still walking the earth. This past week I pondered losing one of the most important people in my life. My sister has been fighting C. diff for the past 3 years. One of the things we both have in common is that we tend to believe that everything will turn out in the end. She is one of the most positive people I have ever met. However, this last bout had beaten her down pretty low. I don't think I've ever heard her as resigned to fate or destiny or whatever as she was last weekend. Despite the knowledge that everyone she knew was praying for her and that her son and daughter-in-law were willing to make incredible sacrifices, she just couldn't believe she would ever be rid of the nasty bacteria.
Tuesday she was scheduled to undergo a medical procedure that we all knew was a last ditch effort. She had been through every drug thought to have been effective against C. diff, both tested and experimental. Some of them she had done 2 or 3 times with no effect. She had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, thanks to the American medical system which is run by insurance companies who make all the rules. If you don't fall into their rules, you pay! So not only was she sick but knowing full well that she was digging a financial hole deeper and deeper every time the C. diff struck again.
I knew this was a horrible little germ that could eventually take its final toll on her. When you can't eat, the body simply cannot continue to function in the way it needs to. I assumed that eventually organs would shut down. But the more I read about the disease, the more of that yuck feeling set in. I would read and deny, read and deny. How could my sister not be here when my 104 year old grandfather was? How could this amazing woman simply cease to be that shoulder for me to lean on? No! That was not going to happen. We still had plans, lot of plans. She is a significant part of my Life List. I could not imagine life without her. But Monday and Tuesday, that is exactly what I did. I remembered all the crazy things we did in times gone by. We have lived very parallel lives - marriage, kids, divorce, and rising out of the ashes to become home owners and independent women who have found joy in our freedom. I thought about the future that lies ahead. I needed her beside me on my journey. Yes, I do know how selfish that sounds. And that is the pain in "the alternative." We are left alone with our plans for tomorrow. Alone.
And now for the happy ending... The procedure was a success. She is back to eating again and finding the joy of simple pleasures in life. She is slowly but surely sounding more and more positive and regaining her belief that everything will fine. I am back to planning and looking forward instead of backward. So here is to my sister, to dreams fulfilled, to travels together, to my third shoulder. I love you
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