Facing Loss

Babies are born and the elderly pass on.  It is the way of the world; the cycle of life.  We learn to accept that.  We are overwhelmed with joy with new babies and paralyzed with grief when we actually have to say that final good-bye to those who pass on before us.  As we age, we come to terms with our generation moving to the front of that line.  We lose our grandparents, parents, and then we begin to lose our siblings' peers and then finally our own friends.  Saying good-bye is the natural order of things.  But how do we say good-bye to those to whom we've already said good-bye.  How do we deal with the failing and eventual loss of our ex-spouse?  Yes, this is happening.  My ex-husband is dying.  Every time I say it, I shudder just a bit.  It is foreign to me.  He was that person who knew me better than anyone else for more than 20 years.  But as the hard times became unbearable, together, we came to the realization that we could no longer stay together.  We traversed the bumpy roads and found a place where we could be coexist in the world as friends and co-parents and grandparents.  Finding that neutral ground was my good-bye.  I didn't think about the second and final good-bye that would be further down the road.  When you marry someone that is 11 years your elder, you know that chances are, he will pass on before you.  But not at 75.  Then as the ex-spouse you go deeper and you go to that ugly place.  You fall into the "what ifs."  What if I hadn't walked away from him and our relationship?  What if we had stayed together and I served as a witness to his developing weaknesses?  What if I nagged him into the doctor's office?  I don't shoulder the blame or any guilt but I do think about other endings to this story.  I think about twists and turns of my own life journey constantly and this was a big one.  Leaving my marriage was well thought out in terms of when and how.  And when I passed through that labyrinth, my sigh of relief was audible.  So these tears are tears of loss AGAIN.  I am mourning the broken promises again, the broken family again, the what could have been again.  Then as I come out of the maze once more, I mourn the loss of my friend, my peer, my children's father.  I am saying good-bye AGAIN.