Looking Forward

I appear to be at a point in my life where everything is pointing toward the future. For the first time I am thinking seriously about saving for the end of my career. Retirement is looming just off the horizon. At home I am cultivating a more natural environment with native plants in the yard and thoughts of planting for food in place of flowers. This is a frame of mind that demands planning not just sustaining what is already there. But more than any other aspect of my life, future dominates my thoughts of family. I am becoming a grandmother and it really does change the way you think about yourself and the world. A child on the way is the belief that we as a society are going to figure things out, that we believe there will be a nurturing community that will grow this baby with love into adulthood. I vividly recall these thoughts from 32 years ago. People say odd things to pregnant women and I recall several people telling me that they wouldn't "want to be bringing a child into this world today." It must have been Cold War talk but by the time Maria and Dave came into being I had rationalized that every generation must say that and it meant nothing. I knew that love would keep them save. Being a mother was the most incredible thing that I ever did. To this day I believe with my whole heart that they are the best thing that ever happened to me. As they got older and I knew that my work was done, I relaxed into my life and realized that no matter what happened from here on in I would always know that I had seen the best. There couldn't be anything better than witnessing the growth of babies into real people. It was just such an amazing thing to be a part of. I distinctly remember telling my parents after my son's high school graduation that if I died today, it would be fine. I had done everything I wanted to do. They, of course did not agree with that idea and I am just now beginning to understand why. I know that nothing will ever compare to being a mother but I am just starting to process what becoming a grandmother will bring to my life. It is definitely a swing of the head toward the future. Suddenly I have no issues with taking sick days for baby shower preparations and helping after Baby Girl comes home from the hospital. Everything falls into place. School takes on more of a feeling of work and loses the power that it has exerted over my life for the past 20 years. I still love my job but everything is suddenly different. All thoughts and plans for the immediate future are centered around the birth in April, hanging out with the new family this summer, everything that is to be. I want to see it all. I want to see Mama Maria and Daddy Bill with their hearts open wide holding that bundle of joy and knowing that they will never ever be the same again. I want to see her smile and laugh and walk and talk. I want to see her Uncle Dave melt into her and I want to see her Grandpa Ralph discover once again the joy that life holds. I want to meet her and know her and be important to her. I want to read with her and garden with her. My thoughts go from cuddling with this tiny baby to playing in the park, to baking cookies together to Easter egg hunts. One morphs into the other just like memories of my own children's happy times blend one into the other. Perhaps it is because at this point in life we know how quickly it all passes by that I don't want to miss a moment of it. I am focused on the future right now but somewhere around the middle of April that will all change and I'll be all about the moment that the CGs introduce Baby Girl to her world. We will laugh and cry and shout for joy and no one will ever be the same again.