The Search For Church

This has been on my mind for weeks and soon to be months.  I've shared the struggle with several people.  I've prayed about it.  But there appear to be no answers on the horizon.  Here is the dilemma.

I want more than anything to connect with my community - as in neighborhood or town - but my belief system or perhaps my experience with the Catholic church does not mesh with that of Vancouver's.

I go to mass to deepen my relationship with each person of the Holy Trinity.  I want to get closer to Jesus, God and let the Holy Spirit guide me.  I go to mass to learn from the priest.  It's all about the homily and the Eucharist for me.

As I made the rounds of the Catholic churches in Vancouver, I struggled to find evidence that we are a "risen people.  In my  mind I go back to the risen Christ that takes center stage at St. Martin's.  There is still a lot of bell ringing, kneeling and head covering here.  In some parishes the old responses are still in effect.  I struggled long and hard over those changes and do not want to go back and have to relearn the old ones.

So I finally admitted defeat with Vancouver and their desire to save souls and stop abortions and made my way south to Portland.  What I have found is something different in every parish.  While I'm there, I'm trying with all my heart and soul to make it work for me because I know it's so much better than what I have found at home.  As I enter each church I step outside of my head and sometimes almost laugh out loud at the conversation that is going on.  I start off pretty negative or extremely positive depending on the location, and by the time the hour is up, I've gone from No to Yes to Maybe or from Yes to No to Maybe.  The end result remains the same.  I am still without a church home.

Here are my reflections
St. Edwards - Connected to Nativity School.  I like that.  Traditional setting, still doing the old responses.  I like seeing middle school art in the church.  Very friendly group, so friendly that no one noticed I was visiting.  I don't want to be fussed over but if your parish is doing the work of Christ, you would know that a visitor was in your midst.
St. Francis - Doing the mission work of downtown Portland but I felt a little unsafe.  Once again, the photos in the church reflect the mission they are about.  The responses are updated but they have added their own touch of St. Francis to the mix.  It is also a church in transition.  There is no real leader of the parish and there is a lot on their plate.  It may be one that I want to wait and see...
St. Ignatius - I like the Jesuit feel.  This was definitely in a better part of town than the rest.  Is that what I want - comfort?  But the missing pieces were there.  It was the first time that I could relax into the liturgy because I knew what was coming.  I guess if there was a negative, it was that the community seemed a little disconnected from each other.  It had the colder (proper) feel of a Silicon Valley parish.
St. Charles - a recommendation from my sister's boss.  I actually didn't even know there was a St. Charles.  Evidently he dedicated his life to Christ at the age of 12 and his mother was in the Medici family.  How did I miss this guy?  Anyway.  St. Charles was an OK fit - except that the priest didn't do the gospel or the homily.  It was done by the parish administrator.  Good homily but unsettling.   I've come away with a question of what role does the priest play in the Northwest?

So as I reflect on all of this, it seems that these 4 parishes combined are taking the place of my previous work and worship.  St. Francis and St. Edwards together take the place of my 10-11 hour a day work life at Nativity.  The school of St. Edwards and soup kitchen of St. Francis combined fulfill that sense of mission of feeding and educating the poor.  St. Ignatius is that comfortable place that I had at mass in Mission Santa Clara.  It definitely does not have the beauty of the mission but other pieces are there.  And maybe St. Charles is the community that I am searching for.  Part of me wants to make the rounds again just to see what the second viewing brings into focus.  But I am desperate to find "home."  I want to once again be fed by my faith.  I want to walk out of church feeling the joy that was everywhere in San Jose.  I want to leave a little bit wiser and more compassionate than when I walked in.

While some pieces of my transition to Washington have been so much easier than expected, this one still stymies me.  And this is a piece that really matters to that definition of HOME.  I know that it will come in time and that the time put into this will be worth it in the end.  The Spirit tells me to be patient and that it will come.

September 3, 2017
Just a quick addendum.  I returned to St. Ignatius this week and confirmed that this is home.  Jesuits and I have always been a match.  The homilies are good.  The music is comfortable.  It is all familiar and for now that is what I need in my spiritual life.

The Calendar

As summer transitions to back-to-school and then to fall, the events on my social calendar are slowing to a trickle.  I am now in a position of creating where and how I spend my time.  When I retired I said that I wanted to read and walk and they have both become a priority.  I joined a walking group on Saturday and a library book club on Monday.  Next on the list is a membership at the community center to get in some physical fitness goals.  My Google calendar has gone from a weekly view to a monthly format.  If there is any concrete symbol of going from administration to this more restful stage of life, it is that.  Two months ago, just looking at my calendar on a Monday morning would raise my heart rate.  And now I can see the ebbs and flows of life.  This is a much better perspective.

Defining Home

As I transition from my home in San Jose to create home in Vancouver, I'm constantly made aware of how we use the pronouns we, they and the plural you.  When I first arrived in Vancouver, I was constantly saying we, as in we in San Jose and the opposite, the plural you in Vancouver.  In the six weeks that I have been here in Vancouver, there has been a gradual shift in the use of those words.  More and more often I catch myself saying we in place of you for the community of Vancouver and the opposite for San Jose.

This week I made my first trip back to San Jose to celebrate Lucia's first day of kindergarten.  And once again I became very aware of those pronouns. When I encountered sales people and drivers and airline attendants the question of home kept coming up.  Is this home?  Are you going home?  Home is this little house that I love and come back to everyday in Vancouver, Washington.  When I flew into my "home" airport of Portland for the first time last night, it was very clear to me that this beauty is now home to me.

Looking Back

I really thought that in the process of deciding to retire that I had spent adequate time looking back at my career - where I had started, the stops along the way, where I ended, all the "what ifs."  Today's task proved me wrong.  My to do list had one thing one it - apply for a job.  My plan is to do some subbing to keep my finances afloat and perhaps give me some travel money.  The experience I have had with subbing in California led me to believe that I would prance into the HR office, wave my sub credential under their noses, they would write down my phone number and email address and I'd be on my way.  Well that was not to be.  I am still waiting for that elusive Washington Teaching Certificate to magically appear so I decided to stop by a job fair.  Once again, I thought that I would walk in and they would be overjoyed to see me; I would give them my number; problem solved.  Once again the answer was NO.  I am applying at two districts so I walked out of that job fair with two business cards bearing the website address of the district HR.  "Just apply on line," they said.  OK.  What I didn't know is that these application would be the most extensive I've ever had to complete.  The Baby Boom generation was all about face to face interviews - not my favorite either - but I didn't really have to go back through the annals of contracts, salary scales or names and numbers of supervisors to complete a job application.  Today's end result was a walk back through time, all the way back to 1989 when I got my credential followed by the salary scale of my first year of $19,000.  But the clincher was to recall the lead teacher and placements for my student teaching!  It has been a while since I had to think about the connections between my university classes, student teaching, the jobs, the salaries and those who led me to where I am now.  I am grateful for all those amazing leaders, for the money I was able to make and save to get me here, and for the years of experience that are absolutely the greatest thing I have to offer as a substitute.  And the best part of  this is that as everyone else is preparing their classrooms for the upcoming year, I feel absolutely no twinge of wistfulness.  I am very happy to be where I am and to be able to find value in work without losing myself in the process.  It's been a good run and I am hopeful that the subbing gig will be just the right fit to keep me alert and productive.  And hopefully that Washington certificate will show up sometime soon!

The Impact of Population

Throughout the years as the population would ebb and flow in Santa Clara, it was clear to me that my quality of life was directly impacted by the number of people who resided in the area.  It had its greatest effect on the commute traffic of which I always refused to become a part.  But it was impossible to completely avoid.  On weekends, it would alter the entire experience of where you might go - the movies, art and wine festivals, or just going to dinner.  Depending on where you were going and how many other people would be attending, you would either shorten the visit or make plans in advance as to when you would leave and when you would return.  I knew this was an issue because at various times, I would shout out, "There are just too many  people here!"  It was always a part of your consciousness - If I go "there" when do I need to leave, how crowded will it be, what will be the line in the sand on when I will leave.  It's one of those things that I knew was impacting my life but I had no idea how much.  Now that I am living in a much lighter density area I find myself constantly being tripped up by it and always pleasantly surprised.  So  I am not only adjusting to the slower pace of life here but also retraining my brain to eliminate all that self talk of "it will be too crowded, maybe I won't go..."  It is a great reminder for me to just enjoy the moment.  So no matter what time it is or what day it is, give it a shot.  However, that being said, if there's an accident on the freeways in Portland, all bets are off.  Stay home or go north!

Stunned by Beauty

The word beauty keeps coming up for me here in the Pacific Northwest.  I'm struck by it.  I'm surrounded by it.  It constantly takes my by surprise.  It's one thing to drive somewhere and know that when you get there, you're going to see something beautiful, that you're going to be awestruck.   It is quite something else to be driving along on a Portland freeway and glance to your left or right and be taken, absolutely taken by what you see.  It can be a stand of fir trees, a view of  a river or  lake or just a creek but it's a view that if seen in the Silicon Valley, you would have driven there to see it.  This is new.  Up until now, I thought that I had lived in a beautiful place.  I lived in what at  one time, I lovingly called paradise.  It was beautiful in weather.  It was beautiful in access to the beach.  It was beautiful in proximity to trails that led to forests, mountains and lakes, rivers, and even creeks.  There was nothing I loved better than walking the Los Gatos Creek Trail or taking the short drive to Santa Cruz.  Enroute, I would see and smell the redwoods of the  Santa Cruz Mountains and at the end be rewarded with the amazing views of Highway 1 and  the Pacific Ocean.  There was nothing like it.  I told myself over and over again how lucky I was to live in this amazing place.  And I truly believed it.  But access to beauty and being surrounded by beauty are two distinct things.  Here, there is a respect for the beauty of nature for nature's sake.  There is not the allocation of nature that California executes by setting aside beautiful land for parks and preserves.  Here, nature is everywhere.  It is respected.  Houses and neighborhoods are built around nature and parks are added to that.  So,  honestly, you can be driving the freeways of Portland and look to the side and see amazing vistas that you would have driven to see in California.  This is beauty.  This is paradise.

Changes in This New Lifestyle

Although I know this feeling of an empty calendar in retirement won't last, I am definitely aware of changes.

The first is sleep.  I'm still struggling in that department because of the early sunrises here in Vancouver.  But I finally wake with little on my mind.  The worry and anxiety of the upcoming day is gone.  It is a welcome relief.

It has been a long time since I have had the availability to read the paper.  I am enjoying it.  Many retired people have recommended doing the daily crossword puzzle to keep the brain functioning so I am also doing that.  As a result my days have a very late start.

I've discovered some joy in drinking beer.  I'm sure it's just summer in the air and the wide variety and availability here.  But I'm fascinated by the notion of growlers and "take out" beer.  And if you can really make a beer that tastes like Peanut Butter Latte,  I'm interested.

The daily walk has gone from an hour to 2 hours.  There are so many trails here to try out.  And they are all so incredibly beautiful.  It is green, all kinds of green and they all have water.  A  Californian in the midst of green and WATER is something to behold.

Time.  Time to follow up on home maintenance phone calls.  Time to schedule Dr. appointments.  Time to sit and enjoy conversations over a glass of wine.  Time to sit in the park and listen to music.  Time to converse with cashiers.  Time to just be.  There are many times when an hour or 2 has passed and I have no idea what I've been doing.

The return to hobbies - gardening, reading, exploring (my new word for travel).  I am the director of my healing.  I know what I need each day when I wake up and I have the availability and power to do it.  It is what reminds me on a daily basis that this is right.  This was the right thing to do and the right time to do it.

Thoughts on Retirement

It has been almost exactly a year now that I first had the realization that I was ready to retire.  I had joked about retirement for a couple years and knew that it was close but I didn't know how close.  Last August I took a trip to San Juan Islands (one from my Life List) and everything became crystal clear.  It was here and now.  I was going to retire and move to Washington.  I gave myself a couple months to "get over" it.  But this was it.  Despite the anxiety that these two things brought with them, I knew it was right.  I was being led away from my home in San Jose into an unfamiliar journey to Vancouver, Washington.  This is the second time in my recent life that I have been totally led by the Spirit.  It seems that this would be a challenge for a control freak but it is actually a very relaxing experience.  You just ride along.  Your trust is in the Beloved so there is no need for concern.  When people question your decisions, the words that come out of your mouth are formed far beyond your brain.  What will you do?  Have you ever been to  Washington?  What about the rain... and the snow?  What about Maria and the girls... how can you leave them?  All of these question were meant to clarify the confusion caused or perhaps to stop the runaway train had very sensible answers and somehow they flowed out of me without a second's hesitation.

At the beginning, I believed that I really was retiring and that I was ready to sit but as I got closer, the meaning of the word kept changing.
I am retiring - that means, I'm not going to work any more.
I am retiring - that means maybe I'll volunteer.
I am retiring - that means maybe I'll sub a couple days a week.
I am retiring - that means I quit my job.
I am retiring - that means I can do whatever I want.

At this point in the journey, I still don't exactly know what it means but I am enjoying the ride.  I have put things in place so that whatever retirement becomes, I will be ready.  I'll be able to sub with a Washington credential.  I can volunteer at the public schools, the Nativity school in Portland, or the community gardens.  Or I can just sit.

For now retirement  is simply a state of exploration.  I am learning my way around the cities in the area.  I am gardening and puttering around the house again.  I am hiking.  I am breathing.  I am reading.  I am writing.  And it all feels just right.

Back to My Writing Life

I have been away from this blog for a very long time.  In my absence there has been a great deal of growing going on.  In my absence I endured the most difficult times of my professional life.  I lost friends but gained better ones to take their place.  I found the path back to my spirituality.  I sold a house, bought a condo, sold a house, bought a house and retired.  I have said final good-byes to people I love and greeted brand new ones who are fresh to the world.  It is the cycle of life and I am finally at a place where I can see it turning and enjoy the view.  I am happy to be in this place at this time.  I have always loved writing and I'm thrilled to be back at the keyboard.

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

As February turns into March, it is time for the annual letter to celebrate Grandpa's birthday.  This year it has taken on more importance.  Grandpa has endured a few physical challenges in recent weeks and will be home from the skilled nursing facility within a few days of his birthday.  I will be heading to Iowa this weekend and I can't wait to feel those loving arms around me one more time!  Happy 106th, Grandpa. 

Dear Grandpa,

Happy birthday to a guy who must surely be the most powerful man on the planet.  You have the strength of a super magnet that is somehow able to draw this family from our respective corners of the country that we each call home, to the place that gave birth to the Allen family as we know it.  Why do we come?  Iowa is not on very many tourist maps, yet we take vacation days from work, board planes and cars and trucks just to be in your presence.  The 2nd of March is still very much winter in Council Bluffs but for some reason we leave the warmth of Florida, California, or Texas to be with you.  I don't know if you know how this annual game is played but here is a quick synopsis.  The grandkids and great grandkids start talking about "Grandpa's birthday" around Christmas time.  The "kids" tell us to hold on because your approval hasn't been given.  Once there is a green light, the computers iPads, and cell phones light up across the country as we make our plane, hotel, and car rental reservations.  And then, POOF!, somewhere around your birthday we all descend upon you.  But the question bears repeating, why do we come?

We come for your wisdom.  We yearn for your stories, the stories of days gone by when life was different, when the value of a person's character mattered.  We know your stories are our fathers' stories and our own stories.  The life lessons of floods, tornadoes and hard times that reveal the underlying strength of a man lead to great wisdom.  Our generations have yet to face the trials that bring real wisdom so we come to learn from you.  And we are never disappointed.  We always return home much wiser than we left.  

We come because you re-instill in us the values of honesty, integrity and perseverance.  You taught your sons these valuable lessons and they in turn passed them on to us.  They are what brings us to the true understanding of being an Allen.  You have lived your life with these guiding principals as your north star.  Everyone knows that the word of Don Allen is true.  Today these virtues are almost non-existent in the world and yet, we Allens continue to abide by them.  We share their value with our children and anyone else who will listen.  In your presence we are once again reminded that we must carry forth the legacy and hold high the banner of truth.  Your example gives us the strength to continue on, living our lives with you as our model. 

We come to be near you.  This year, that has taken on more importance than any other.  But the truth is, we come for ourselves.  We need to see this great man who we all must acknowledge will not live forever.  The day is going to come when we must take your place.  We, your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren and your great-great-grandchildren will stand in your stead and profess to the world the meaning of being an Allen.  You have taught each of us well but we yearn to sit at the feet of the master for a few final lessons.  

We come so you know how deeply you are loved.  There is no better time than your birthday to show that love.  Grandpa, there is no one on this planet that I have loved and respected more than you.  Your arms have always been my safe haven.  You have shown me how to laugh when I stumble and reminded me that I am never alone.  The gifts that you have given me are immeasurable.  In like manner my love can never be quantified.  I am unable to name it, describe it, or compare it to anything else on earth.  It is all in that first hug, in that moment when our two spirits melt into one and I know once again who I am.  

Why do we come?  It is simple.  You make us better than we were or we ever dreamed we could be.  We leave your presence wiser, stronger and more loving.  We come to say thank you and celebrate this great life of yours.  Happy Birthday, Grandpa.  May there be many more!

Another Fall

Those of you who know me as a runner know that my greatest fear is of falling.  It's not about the fall, it's the fear of hurting myself, really hurting myself and bringing an end to this wonderful little hobby I have discovered.  As the title implies there has been a second fall.  This one has only left me with irritation and frustration.  I was running with the Running Club at school and one of the kids cut in front of me.  From then on there was no stopping what happened next.  Once everyone (including me) recovered from the shock of seeing Ms. Allen on the ground, we all tried to carry on.  Had I known what was going to be the end result, I might have made a different decision and called for a replacement or just headed back to school.  4 miles and a very sore foot later I headed right for the freezer and an ice bag.  I have diagnosed myself with a stress fracture.  The top of my foot remains swollen so I am off running, walking and most of my shoes are also off limits.  I'm not that good at forgiving but I am slowly giving up the blame game and just dealing with the situation as it is.  I am sad that I will not be able to fulfill my Wounded Warrior February goal of 100 miles.  I made the 80 mile mark with still a week to go.  Everyone thought it was a done deal.  But it just wasn't to be.  Maybe next year…  In the meantime, I will ice and rest and take a little ibuprofen now and then waiting for the day that I can walk evenly balanced on both feet again.

Sheer Joy

I have had moments in my life where I am just simply overcome with joy.  That's the only word I can come up with for it but it's more than that.  I am filled to overflowing with whatever is happening in the moment in time.  I feel an aura around me that is almost tangible, the feeling of being blessed in unexplainable ways.  I feel like I will explode and suddenly I am in tears - not crying tears - just tears that must be expelled.  It happened repeatedly immediately after Callie was born.  To see my baby mothering her own baby was just more than I was prepared to take in stride.  It happened over and over again to a point where I asked my friend, Paula,  when will I stop crying?  She assured me that it would pass and she was right, it did.  But this weekend it happened again.  Up until this point in my life I have mostly defined myself by what I do.  But this year, that seems to be changing.  Work is not fulfilling me but yet I am making money that is bringing me all kinds of other happiness.  I am traveling again.  I am going out to dinner with friends and not worrying about the cost before accepting.  That part of my life is about as good as it has ever been.  This weekend I flew to Anaheim to run the Tinker Bell Half Marathon and enjoy DisneyLand with my grandchildren.  I got there in time to see the Kids Race. The minute Callie saw me, she ran full bore with arms open wide and jumped in my arms shouting "Grandma!"  I was overcome with that unadulterated look of love on her face.  We went to the coffee shop and had a bit of a makeshift "picnic" snack.  She kept saying "This is the best picnic ever!"  By that point, the blessings were innumerable.  I was grateful for my job, my job that had a 3 day weekend, that Maria and Bill would invite me to be a part of it all, that I had the money to fly to Anaheim, , that I could be there to see the girls crossing the finish line, that I could eat with them and play with them.  I was once again over come with sheer joy.  I am blessed.

No Regrets

Living life with no regrets means coming to terms with the fact that you are in at least the fall and possibly the winter of your life.  For me, work no longer is the focus.  I have gone back to my life list and refocused my energy.  Work has become the means to a new end - to live life fully.

Plan #1 is to get a summer school job and take a tour of Ireland and Scotland

Plan #2 is to go to New Orleans/Natchez over spring break.

Plan #3 is to figure out the work thing.  As much as I love teaching, I'm pretty sure that this placement is not a good fit for me for lots of different reason.  Now, what to do about it.  Things are not that great in the Diocese and I know there's no going back to public school.  Maybe I'm done with teaching…  There are lots of ways to teach without being in the classroom.  We'll just have to wait and see what the next few months have in store for this funny little journey I am on.

Keeping Things in Balance

My goal for 2014 is to get things back in balance.  I am hoping that this Christmas vacation is an indicator of what's ahead.  I did plenty of work but I also played a lot.

I started off with lots of time with the little people in my life.  That always reminds me of what's important in life!

I got in lots of reading - actually finished the book I started reading last summer - and started a new one.  But the big news is that I have a huge list of books to read so I can make plans for the future.  Thank you to everyone who contributed suggestions.

I did a little writing.  It is good to be back on my blog.

I got in some running and fitness time.  I ran or walked  4-5 times a week.  It felt good to be back in the routine again.  I got in a walk on the beach and one in the woods.

I even saw some movies for added diversion.  I can't remember the last time I did that!  Here is the list:
American Hustle, Philomena, Dallas Buyer's Club, Nebraska, and Gravity.  Bring on the Emmys!

And there was plenty of work - Lesson plans for the upcoming week are done as well as my first attempt at creating final exams and accompanying study guide.

And this all leaves me a weekend to relax before going back to the work routine.  That will be the real test of my 2014 resolution.

A New Year

The new year is quickly coming and my writing along with a lot of other things have taken a back seat to work.  It has been a while since I posted on this blog so let me catch up.  My worries about money and keeping the daycare business going took over (and a man named Kevin Eagleson) and I somehow found myself back in the middle school classroom.

But this one is very different.  Sacred Heart Nativity School.  It is almost impossible to explain.  It is a school dedicated to breaking the cycle of poverty in downtown San Jose.  That's where the simple explanation ends.  It is an all boy school and an all girl school.  The boys are upstairs and the the girls are downstairs.  I teach 7th grade girls and boys.  But there's more.  Each teacher is on an 8 hour schedule so on my "late" days I teach from 10:00 to 3:00, then monitor activity period which could be anything from kickball to running club followed by homework club until 6:00 PM.  It is an exhausting day and this job has entirely taken over my live.

So when I sit and think about a new year and my resolutions it begins with taking control again.  Taking control of my diet and exercise.  Taking control of the time I spend with my loved ones.  Taking control of my life.  I have let work get the best of me and while I know I must work to live I have somehow left the last part out of the equation.

So here is my "do it now" list
Take time …
     to read
     to write
     to play
     to hike in the woods
     to go to the beach and breathe it in
     to have people over for drinks and dinner
     to walk the dog and run me
     to talk to my friends and family
     to meditate and think and ponder
     to dream big again
These are the things that make me whole.

My resolution for 2014 is to once again get my life back in balance.  I resolve to enjoy life again, to remember how important the little things are, and that our joys outweigh the sorrows.  I resolve to remember that school is like housework, it will always be there.  So let's bring on the new year in happiness, joy and anticipation of all that is yet to come.  Happy New Year!

Surviving the Fear of Falling

Ever since I first started running, I have had a healthy fear of falling.  I know that it came from running on city sidewalks and stumbling over uneven edges.  But it kept me from running with a headlamp in the early morning hours and led me to my short stint at running in the gym.  Fear is anything that keeps you from living life as you dream possible.  So it didn't keep me from running but it was definitely always there in the background.  Last weekend I ran my first trail race at the advice of my chiropractor.  It made sense.  She knew I liked running outside and that I only did "pretty" races so why not?  I checked out the website she recommended and registered for my first race.  It was a totally different experience from the big road races.  I looked around and didn't see too many 50 somethings and the thought occurred to me that this could be my race!  We started down the hill and up onto the trail.  Suddenly I found myself trying to straddle gullies and maintain my balance over the uneven terrain.  It got worse from there - dirt, sand, gravel, rocks big enough that they had to be hopped over.  The dichotomy of it all was how beautiful the views were.  My eyes would trade vistas of some of the most beautiful tree covered hills in the area with the ugliness of rutted dirt paths.  But I saw a lot more of the path than the trees.  I made it to the turn around and was thrilled.  I headed down the path to the finish feeling OK about my run.  About 3/4 of  mile from the end, I lost my footing.  There was no stumble or slide, the right foot just didn't touch the ground.  I had the presence of mind to relax everything because I knew I couldn't stop it.  This is the gift of age - knowing when to give in to the universe.  I hit the ground on my right side and suddenly felt my body sliding down the side of the hill. That, I did not anticipate.  When I stopped, I took an inventory of all the body parts.  I had puncture wounds on both hands that were bleeding, scrapes on my upper and lower right arm and my leg was covered in dust.  I got up and was thrilled that there was no other pain - no broken bones or torn ligaments.  I couldn't have been more grateful for anything in my life.  I fell and lived.  And I could still run.  So that is what I did.  I was fearless to the finish line.  I had already fallen and was bleeding so what else could happen?  Once I crossed it, I looked down at my hands and used the water I had left in my bottle to try and clean them up.  Watching the blood stream off was somehow cleansing to crossing over the line of fear.  15 minutes later, my results were posted and lo and behold, I had placed 3rd in my age group.  I headed up to the parking lot with the additional weight of a third place medal.  Never in my wildest dreams when I started this running journey did I think that I would ever place for a medal.  Living life to the fullest brings the most amazing gifts.

The Grandma Goat Farm Adventure

I love being a grandma.  Even if all I'm doing with the girls is playing with toys in the living room, I love being a grandma.  But this Mother's Day weekend, I was absolutely euphoric about the role I play.  Maria and I had been trying to schedule a time for me to take Callie to Harley's Goat Farm for a couple weeks and then out of the blue Bill's amazing Mother's Day surprise for Maria made all the pieces fall into place.  I made plans and couldn't wait to watch them unfold.

Maria dropped off the girls with their bag that Daddy had packed before his business trip to China. We loaded up the car and we were off.  Callie was as chatty as I have ever seen her.  It was a blast just talking to her about goats and goat cheese and the beach and  picnics and pie.  We made out way to Pescadero and the goats.  She jumped out of the car while I got Lucia and bounded over to the goat enclosure.  I knew she would love petting the goats but I didn't realize how long she could be happy there.

We hung out with the babies, went over to see the big girls, did a little cheese tasting and bought Mama a little something and went back to see the babies.  Callie could not have been happier.  Next stop: Duarte's for some pie to add to our beach picnic.  We got our pie to go, ran into a fruit stand and left with a box of apricots and raspberries and headed for the beach.  We had our picnic overlooking Half Moon Bay's Venice Beach.  After lunch we trekked down to the sand and water and then Lucia took over.  She was constantly heading for the water while Callie was busy collecting shells and filling her pockets with sanding treasures.  I was flooded with Mommy memories and knowing this was absolutely the best Grandma adventure to date.  Not only that, Bill had inadvertently given me the best Mother's Day gift ever.

Heading to the car, I could only think about what was to be.  If this was our best adventure so far, think about the fun that is waiting for the three of us.  I am so thankful to Maria and Bill, who trust me implicitly with the lives of their babies who in turn have brought me such happiness.

Making Me Better

I am constantly looking in to determine my state - where I am at this moment in life - and whether or not I am all that I can be.  I am a perfectionist even though I don't really believe in perfection.  But I do desperately want to be the best that I can be.  There are some things in life that I know make me better.

Eating healthy - my constant battle that I am trying to win on my own terms before the medical profession steps in

Running - it is like flying to me and I want to do it as long as I can

My granddaughters - they make me smile at absolutely nothing and everything

Feeding my spirit - reading, praying, meditating

Surrounding myself with positive forces and eliminating those that weigh me back into the quagmire of self-doubt and negativity.  For me this is people.  I love being surrounded with positive people and those who have a perspective on the world that it is half full.

The other side of this coin is eliminating things that don't make me better and that, is more and more becoming people, as well.  I can't handle being around the nay sayers, the poor me's or the all about me's.  I'm a happy person but not happy enough to lift up the sad ones.  So that means I must leave them behind.  I can't afford to waste my thoughts or energy on being frustrated by their actions, words or even their mere presence in my life.  This is much easier said than done.  Those thoughts have a way of creeping back in and I tend to welcome them like an old friend.  And then suddenly I realize I'm not sleeping, I'm force feeding myself sugar and carbs to soothe the pain and I'm questioning my decisions, both past and present.  No more.  I have the power to change those thoughts by simply thinking new ones.  No more rain clouds darkening my blue skies.  No more worrying over things and people that I can't change.  In the words of Buddha, "We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."  That's what I'm talkin' about!

My Grandfather Made the Front Page!

The celebration of my grandfather's 105th birthday was everything I thought it would be.  His family, as many descendents as could make it, his remaining friends, and his neighbors who can all attest to his kind and gentle nature came to pay their respect, share their stories, and get just one more hug.  This year there was a little twist; my dad had invited a reporter from the local paper to come and interview him before the party.  It was apparent that this young man quickly realized he was in the presence of someone amazing.  The story below is what appeared in the Sunday morning paper.

 

 

Don Allen: Strong, independent at 105

By Mike Brownlee mbrownlee@nonpareilonline.com

Posted:  03/02/2013 11:30 PM

Don Allen worked the crowd Saturday night in the “Bunkhouse” at Pizza Ranch, shaking hands with old friends, mugging for pictures with family members. His wit sharp, his mind keen.
After 105 years on this planet, in this city, Allen is as independent as ever, a man with a simple credo for living a long life. 

“Take it a day at a time,” Allen said on his birthday, his words accompanied by a chuckle. “I just live.”

Allen’s family and friends packed the restaurant party room, young and old stopping for a moment to catch up with the “family inspiration” – as put by granddaughter Tere Allen. Allen doesn’t like to talk about himself much, so his son Don, Jr., and others filled in the gaps.

Don Allen, Sr., was born on March 2, 1908. At the age of 8 Allen and family loaded into a horse and buggy to attend the funeral  of Gen. Grenville Dodge, following the procession from his home to Walnut Hill Cemetery.

What does he remember about the funeral?
“The 21-gun salute,” sticks out, he said. “And it was cold.”

He attended school through freshman year at Abraham Lincoln, when he had to quit attending to help his family get by after his parents, brothers and sisters were put in quarantine – though he forgets what malady they had.

He lived through the Great Depression, which he described matter-of-factly as just awful.
“Nobody had a job, nobody had food. All the banks were broke,” he said. “But we got through it.”
Allen slept in the shed, waking up each morning to tend to livestock and try to make a living in the city.

What was that experience like, away from family, essentially on your own?
“I knew what I had to do,” Allen said. “It happened, we worked through it.”
The quarantine lasted 21 days, but Allen decided to keep working rather than go back to school. He was a day laborer in his early adult life, catching on anywhere he could. He spent a summer thrashing wheat and flax, another working in the garden at the Iowa School for the Deaf. His first full-time, steady job was at a seed store, which he began in 1936.

Before that he married Adelaide, in the late 20s. The pair were married 72 years, until she died in April of 2000.

Health problems confined her to a wheelchair late in life, but that didn’t stop Don Sr. from taking her around West Graham, to the home of neighbor Shirley and Bruce Jones to gaze at Shirley’s flowers or to Fairmont Park to watch the sunset.

“He’d take her everywhere,” said Bruce of his neighbor of more than 40 years.

Bruce’s eyes grew large while discussing his favorite neighbor, discussing long conversations they had about the history of Council Bluffs, the elder teaching the youngin’.

Don still shovels his walk if his neighbors don’t beat him to it. Allen mows his own lawn, cleans around the house and cooks his own meals.

Come spring he’ll work in his garden, growing a variety of vegetables to share with his friends on West Graham.

He grows cabbage to make sauerkraut, which is popular among family and friends. His tomatoes have contributed to gallons of pasta sauce.

“I’m 76, he’s in better health than me,” Bruce Jones said. “And he has a better memory. He’s unbelievable, just outstanding. The best. We just love Don.”

About his dad’s health – and sense of humor – Don Jr. noted his senior “goes to the doctor once a year to see how he, the doctor, is getting along.”

Along with Don Jr., Don has another son, six grandchildren, 12 great grandchildren and 12 great great grandchildren. Five generations attended the birthday party.

“Pretty awesome,” said his granddaughter, Pat Oneil, who celebrated her 62nd birthday at the party as well. “My grandchildren know my grandfather. Amazing.”

Tere Allen said he’s the model for the entire family.
“Living your life honestly, authentically, taking it one day at a time,” Tere said of what she’s learned from Grandpa.

At Pizza Ranch another disciple, Stephanie Jones – daughter-in-law of Bruce and Shirley – stopped by for a hug and a laugh. Jones calls him a dear friend. Around the time Adelaide died, Stephanie’s husband Kurt died, bringing the neighbors close together.

“He saved me,” Stephanie said. “Such an inspiration.”
As the party progressed, Don’s young friend Bob Sorenson, 102, arrived. The pair quickly entered their own world, catching up like old chums who haven’t seen each other as often as they’d like. After a while Don needed to get up and moving, sharing jokes with other partygoers.
Pulled aside, outside Don’s earshot, each guest – to a person – raved about the patriarch, their eyes wide, their smiles broad.

“He’s a go-getter. He’s a 30-year-old 105-year-old. A crazy man,” Stephanie said, a grin on her face. “I remember a few years back, he was in his 100s. West Graham has these deep ditches from the road to our yards, and mine had a 2X4 piece of wood spanning the ditch. I look out my window and see Don walking, tight-roping, across the board.

“I ran out there and said, “What are you doing? Are you crazy?”

His reply?
“‘I’m seeing if I still have it.’”

One-hundred and five years into his life, Don Allen still has it.

Life List - The Gratitude Journal

I am nearing the end of my first two months of keeping a gratitude journal.  It is possible that it has changed my view of the world but I'm not certain.  It has certainly let me to be more reflective on a daily basis.  It is rare that I leave it out of my day but when I do, I always remember it the next morning because I have that weird feeling that something is missing.

During the first few days, I began to look for things to be grateful for as I went through my day but by the end of the second week that was unnecessary.  I really don't know if I am basically a positive person or habits really do happen that fast.  At any rate, I am a happier person to end my day in thankfulness.