Just Be Nice

This is a phrase that keeps echoing in my head.  It is something that I recently heard over and over again at a high school graduation party.  Parents were saying that when it comes down to it, all they really want is for their kids to be nice.  This is huge when I think about all the things that a parent may want for their 18 year old almost adult.  That is what all our parenting is about - just be nice.  It also popped up in a discussion with a friend about her aging mother.  Why can't she just be nice?  Now this is not something that just happened - she didn't get not nice because she was old.  But when you're trying to get good medical care for your mother, it might change things if the patient could be nice.

So what does it mean to be nice?  In my toddler world, it is don't hit, kick, pinch, bite or push.  But all good teachers know that you don't define anything in the negative.  Be nice is use your inside voice, treat everything and everyone gently.  To the parents of 18 years old it is to treat others with respect, and once again to use that inside voice and be gentle.  And to the aging parent it is to accept that others may know more than you do and to listen without judgment.  There is no need to say out loud every little thing that comes into your head and to realize that your life and well being are now in the hands of others.  So just be nice.

But what is it really?  It is to smile when someone makes eye contact with you.  We don't do enough of that anymore.  And when we do, we get it right back.  Smiles are one of the most contagious things around.  That's the thing about being nice; the effects are immediate.  And while you're at it, say hello.  Once again that doesn't happen enough anymore.  We have sort of lost the art of greeting one another when me meet and saying goodbye when we leave.  Part of being nice is also the art of politeness.  It is saying please and thank you and you're welcome.  It is also saying no thank you and excuse me. 

Being nice is being a positive force in the universe.  It is to look at life and each other in the best of terms.  Finding the beauty in the world instead of what is wrong is a perspective that sometimes takes practice.  But once accomplished, it is hard to go back.

Practice humility.  None of us is better than anyone else.  We have all been gifted in different ways.  Accept that everyone has their journey with highs and lows and that if we help each other along the way the path gets a little easier for everyone.  When we boast and brag or put ourselves above someone else it can only result in the other person feeling sad or less than equal.  Being nice lightens everyone's load and makes the world a better place.

Help each other.  When someone falls down, help them get up.  An ice pack or a band aid go a long way at my house.  If they are sick, give them a call or send a card and let them know that you are thinking of them.  When you accidentally bump them, apologize.  It's the little things in life that make all the difference.

Be nice.  It is what I am trying to teach my daycare kids.  It is what I try my hardest to model to everyone I meet.  It is still a struggle sometimes but if we all try a little harder the world will definitely be a nicer place for each and every one of us.

Fun at Work

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In the Blink of an Eye...

In the blink of an eye everything can change. This is a phrase that keeps popping up at the oddest times. I am struck by how quickly the known and routine can suddenly be blasted into smithereens so that it is unrecognizable. I am at an age where I am developing a bit of perspective. Some things in life seem to on and on endlessly while others are here and gone. What we know and trust to be true and assume will go on forever are simply gone or at least dramatically changed.

Last Christmas Eve began predictably and suddenly with the bark of the family pet whom everyone trusted and adored, our lives were turned upside down. What followed that bark was the scream of a toddler followed by the shriek of her mother. My granddaughter's face was scarred and none of us who were there will ever be the same.

On Memorial Day, my son-in-law was in a freak incident that resulted in 20 stitches on his right hand as well as a severed tendon. In the blink of an eye he became a spectator parent and my daughter the sole caretaker of a somewhat less than mellow 2 year old and her baby sister. Parenting 24/7 never meant as much to me as it does now. On minimal sleep she feeds, dresses, bathes, and gets both kids ready for bed. She deals with the toddler tantrums as well as breastfeeding the baby. She carries on with her social commitments and continues to challenge herself in the parenting department. It is something to behold.

In the blink of an eye everything changes. We simply stand up and take the next step forward. What was, is no longer. We look at the puzzle pieces remaining and somehow put them together again to make a picture, not the picture we thought it was going to be but a beautiful picture nonetheless. We are strengthened by the challenges and walk a little taller knowing that we have been tested. There will be more to come; we know not when. And in the blink of an eye what we believed to be true will change once again.

Life List - Run a 5K

A few months ago I set a goal to run a 5K so it naturally landed on my Life List.  I don't really know what I had in mind when I set that goal; whether it was really running for the full 3.1 miles or just running more than walking.  I read somewhere that running is defined as having both feet off the ground simultaneously.   Most people consider a 12 minute mile as a run and anything below that as walking.  Whatever the definition, I am considering my "run" yesterday as meeting my goal.  I completed the See Jane Run 5K in Alameda in 35:43, my best time ever and even under by best training run of 36 minutes. 

I have to say, it feels a little strange to have met the goal so quickly.  But the reality is that I am moving on.  My next race begins the 10K segment of my summer and I will end with a half marathon in October.  So for the moment, I will just take a breath and enjoy the moment.  Woo hoo.  I did it.  I thank my chiropractor and my friends and family who have supported me, but especially, my daughter,  Maria!

My Life List

A life list is a little like a bucket list only bigger.  It can include anything that fits you and your dreams. Here is my list as it stands today.  However, this is a work in progress, as is everything else in my life.

Places I  Want to Go
Mayan ruins (February 2006)
Italy (June 2007)
Alaska (July 2010)
Eiffel Tower - half done; I still want to go up the elevator (2010 thanks to Bill Carter!)
San Juan Islands August 2016
Stonehenge June 2014
Ireland June 2014
Greece
Pyramids in Egypt
The fall leaves in the northeast with my sister
Machu Picchu
Cuba
Natchez Trail April 2014
Australia
Catalina - don't know why I haven't been there yet (July 2015)
Mesa Verde - again!

Things I  Want to Do With My Life
Be a mom (1977, 1979)
Teach(1990)
Publish something (2020)

Volunteer in my grandchild's classroom
Work in a plant nursery

Things I Want to Do for Fun
Hike part of the John Muir Trail (August 2000 - Mist Trail to Vernal Falls)
Snorkel(2006 - Mexico)

Walk a half marathon(October 2009 - San Jose Rock and Roll Half Marathon)

Run a 5K (June 3, 2012 See Jane Run - Alameda, California)
Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge - why haven't I done this?(July 28, 2012)
Ride in a hot air balloon (October 13, 2012 Santa Rosa, California)
Go white water rafting
Vacation with my grandchildren - this is still one of my favorite memories of my grandparents June 2016
Build something out of wood
Hike the Grand Canyon
Make a souffle - I don't think I like them but it seems to be the apex of bakers
Ride on the back of my brother's motorcycle (SOLD 2023)
Drive a stick shift
See my grandchildren graduate
Look in the mirror with my fitness pants on and not see the side bulge at the top of my thighs April 2014
Learn to knit
Bike Napa
Learn to speak French
Kayak June 2014
Carve a pumpkin that I grew from seed - maybe this fall
Take a cooking class in a foreign country Italy June 2015
Step foot in all 50 states - I don't have many to go
Zip line somewhere - I had the chance in Alaska but was too scared Santa Cruz Mountains June 2016
See the Aurora Borealis

Things I Want to Do for My Spiritual Growth
Follow through on a gratitude journal (January 2013)
Get better at breathing through yoga April 2013
Conquer meditation June 2014
Find a place of worship that feeds my spirit October 2015
Answer the question "Who am I?" without a title

Living a Simpler Life

I miss my blog.  I often think about blogging and then my mind goes a little blank.  When I was teaching, things would happen and I would say to myself, "Hmmm.... I think I want to write about that later."  And I would.  It was rare if I didn't post at least once a week.  In this new life, I just feel so content.  I hardly ever think about things that are bothering me.  My writing has always been about issues that I couldn't resolve any other way.  I find myself just sort of floating through life now.  There are still things happening that aren't all sunshine and rainbows but nothing big.  I'm not dealing with adolescent angst or parents that just don't get it.  There are no politics at play here.  I have issues throughout my work day but we deal with them and they are gone.  Poof.  They don't stay in the back of my head irritating me the way they used to.  I know that part of it is being home.  I love being here, surrounded with everything I love.  I can do whatever I need to do when I need to do it.  There is no, "when I get home, I need to..." going on in my head.  It is calm and peaceful. 

This is a simple life and I'm clearly not bothered by things the way I used to be.  But why is it that I have so little to write about?  That certainly wasn't true of Buddha or Thoreau.  They removed themselves from the world and wrote about deep and spiritual topics.  Maybe I'm just not that deep.  Maybe when you remove all the chaos of the outside work world, I'm a lot like my grandfather and simply take each day as it comes.  Or maybe this is part of growing up and no longer being bothered by the little things that used to overwhelm me.

I love writing and I miss it now that the topics don't seem to show themselves.  Perhaps it's time for me to take out my heart map and just write about things I care about.  Writing from the point of view of love and gratitude rather than the kid or parent that ticked me off could be interesting.  Let's just see what comes up...

Fitness Update

OK.  Progress is being made.  So much progress that I am hopeful that this will be the last post about my physical woes for a long long time.  Yes, I'm getting older and yes, there is pain involved.  So let's get over it and focus on the positive.  I continue to walk 2 or 3 times a week.  Sometimes I am bad and I run.  I am uber-aware of my SI joint and stop when there is the slightest twinge of anything - tightness, pain, anything.  This past week I put in a 5 mile walk and met my goal of a 12 minute pace.  I don't know why that was important to me beyond the fact that 12 was less than 13 and I'm bored with 13! 

My chiropractor advised me to do some yoga, swim and bike.  She will be proud when I tell her at my next visit  that I'm doing all three. 

Yoga - I found a yoga studio close-by and have been going weekly.  I like it but in all honesty, it is getting expensive.  I have also found some great yoga shows that I am taping and doing on my own at home.  The beauty of it is that I can watch it, replay it and do it again.  That works for someone like me who competes with herself to do it and do it right. 

Swimming - I struggled to figure this one out.  I could go to the senior center 3 blocks from my house but our hours only coincide on Saturday mornings.  I could go to the public pools but do I really want to expose these thighs to previous students I have taught that I may run into?  I could go to the Y but I quite frankly don't trust the water there.  I know how many people are in that pool and what they may have done while they were there!  I could join a private pool but once again, the ugly money thing raises its head.  So yesterday, I went to the senior center and was very pleased.  There were lots of pudgy women like myself and the payoff was worth it.  The bonus is that I am working on my lung capacity - one of the things that got all this fitness stuff started.  A few months ago, all I wanted to do was figure out how to run without running out of air.  Well, it looks like swimming will deal with the breathing thing.

Biking - This morning I went on my first real bike ride since last summer.  I chose Coyote Creek Trail because I have never done it (remember, I am easily bored) and I had heard from a friend what a beautiful place it is.  Imagine my pleasure when I realized that I now own a car that will hold a bike either direction, vertically or horizontally.  No dismantling the wheel and reassembling necessary.  So off I went to Coyote Creek Park.  I put in 14 miles in 1 1/2 hours.  That sounds pretty good to me but I have no idea if it is or not. 

That's the great thing about this cross training thing.  I don't become obsessed with time and distance because I am changing it up all the time.    In yoga, I'm just trying to get through the stretches without pain.  In the pool I am focused completely on my lungs.  Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I swam competitively as a child.  I don't remember struggling to breathe!  And on the bike, I'm thinking about the pain in my butt.  I've been told that will pass.  If not, I foresee a new bike seat or some padded shorts in my future.

So that is the state of things.  Through exercise and yoga, I am strengthening my muscles to hold my joints and bones.  There is pain now and then but nothing I can't handle.  I am aging and evidently that is just something that is going to hurt.  I still feel healthy and give thanks every single day when I wake up and am able to get out of bed.  Perhaps the little twinges are just a quiet reminder that I'm alive.  I love challenging myself and meeting the challenge.  And I love that I have people in my life who can support me and help me figure out ways around the pain.  That seems to be what this stage is all about; challenges I set for myself and friends and family that cheer me on.  So here's to finding new ways to exercise so that I can remain healthy.

A Lovely Mother's Day

I am in an amazing place in life.  My children appreciate me for who I am.  They respect what I have done and what I am doing.  Many people live their whole lives without coming to that point.  I just had one of my best Mother's Days ever. 

I started the day by crying through a blog post of my daughter's.  She said everything any mother would wish for her child to say as she became a mother herself.  The funny thing to me is that I distinctly remember watching her as a new mom 2 years ago and thinking that she is so much better at this than I ever was!  It's all in the perspective. 

I met my son for coffee and we had a great conversation.  It is so good just to have time to sit and talk.  We talked about school and work and relationships and movies and politics.  Those are the talks I love.  They flow in and out and when you're done, you say, that was good. Later in the day, I received a delivery of a fruit arrangement from him.  So thoughtful and delicious. 

I spent the afternoon in one of my favorite places in the world - Central Park in Santa Clara.  It is full of mothering memories for me.  What better place to be on Mother's Day than with your child and grandchildren in the place that you loved as a mom?  We picnicked, walk around the pond, and hung out in the playground while Callie played.  An amazing afternoon. 

My heart is full as I write this.  Mother's Day hasn't always been my favorite day on the calendar.  Some of them have been hard - that's the only word for it.  But this one was definitely a good one.  I am loved.  I am respected.  I am appreciated for all that I have done.  That feels good.  I am thrilled that my children are able to say thank you and that I am in a place where I can graciously accept it and know that we are all better when we take the time to speak what is in our hearts.  I'm not a fan of these "Hallmark Holidays" but I am grateful that it gives us the opportunity to say I love you.  

The Walking/Running Thing

The past month has taught me things about my personality that I would never have known any other way.  As much as I have told myself, I can't run, given the right situation, I can't keep myself from running.  I am not, I repeat, I am not a competitive person.  I stay as far away as I can from competitive sports.  Anything I do, I do alone.  Walk, Swim, Yoga, Bike.  Those are all things you do for the most part alone.  But the reality is that when I am in a group walking/running situation, I run.  Two weeks ago I did the Big Sur 5K.  It was my first test.  My goal was to do a 13 minute pace which would have been a 39 minute walk.  However, at the .5 mile mark what loomed in front of me was a hill, and not a small hill.  My head immediately told my body - no way you're doing a 13 minute mile, you better start running.  So from time to time throughout the 5K, when the urge hit me, I ran.  I was happy with my ending 38 minute time.  But within an hour, I was in pain, a pain that I couldn't seem to stretch out.  I knew I had done too much but the truth is that I didn't really care.  I still believed, no matter the evidence to the contrary, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.  A week later I was in the chiropractor's office learning more about my body and its weird makeup.  It turns out that I am definitely out of alignment, the kind of out of alignment the causes real pain just in lying down on a hard surface.  We messed a bit with her skeleton and I got it.  Bone on bone hurts.  OK.  I'm done running.  For the next week and a half on my walks, I really did walk.  No running.  At all.  Then on Saturday I did another 5K.  I knew 30 minutes before the race that I wasn't going to be able to walk.  I'm not sure if it's the energy I feel before these races or it's just my hardheadedness.  I walked and I ran, I walked and I ran.  End result; another 38 minute 5K.  But the sad thing was that I wasn't happy about it.  38?  38?  Again!  Shouldn't I be getting better?  Shouldn't I be getting faster?  I was getting better because this one didn't hurt.  But the reality is that nothing is ever going to change in my skeleton.  I can't untwist my spine.  I can't lower my left hip so that it's in alignment with my right.  All I can do is say good-bye to races.  My brain will never let this stuff go.  So I will do a 5K next month and a few 10Ks, followed hopefully by my last half marathon in October.  Then I promise to act my age.  I will walk.

Aging; The Physical Side

I have often posted about reflections of where I am on my life journey; looking back, looking forward, pondering the family tree but it has always just been in my head. Now I can feel exactly where I am on the journey and the only word that comes to mind is ouch. A few months ago, I had set a goal for myself to transition from being a walker to a jogger. I knew that I would never move into the realm of running but I wanted to at least have both feet off the ground simultaneously. I did what I thought were all the right moves. I consulted people who knew me and how to go about it in a healthy way. I bought a few little tidbits that would help - better shoes, a GPS watch and heart monitor. And then I took off with the help of my iPhone app Couch to 5K. I was well on my way until a few weeks ago. On a random Wednesday morning I came back from my morning walk/run and could barely make it in the house. Somewhere around the 8th step past the doorway I missed one and my back seized. I somehow got through the day of lifting babies, icing my back on and off, and taking ibuprofin. The next day it was slightly better but that was the only improvement there was to be for a while. A few days later I drug myself to Kaiser and got the typical prescription for anti-inflammatories and even a serious pain killer but still no long term relief. I am now under the care of a chiropractor for the first time in my life. She is amazing but this is clearly going to be a long journey. I am learning a lot about bones, joints, ligaments and muscles but the crux of the matter is that there is no hope of me becoming a jogger or runner. I have scoliosis and a sacroilliac joint that has simply had enough of my shenanigans. I am limited to walking, cycling, swimming and yoga. The word limit is not one that I am very familiar with. I have always believed I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I am beginning to realize what it means to say can't. I can't walk more that a mile and a half a day. I can't do basic things like bend over and pick something up without wincing. I can't trust my body. That is the heart of it. So this is aging. Saying no to things that I have taken for granted for my entire life. It is no longer believing that I can set a goal and be able to accomplish it. It is being in pain and then being surprised when the pain is gone and remembering that this is what it used to be. It has created in me a sense of gratitude that I have never felt before - I am thankful when I stand up and my legs actually move forward, thankful that I CAN walk, thankful that I can continue to work and take care of myself. I am hopeful that I will one day be painfree but I know there is no guarantee of that. In the meantime I will continue walking every day for as long as I possibly can.

Daycare

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An Unexpected Change

I have always enjoyed walking but have never really taken the time to do it regularly. Well, all that has changed since I retired from teaching. I have daylight time to walk either before or after work and for the first time am taking advantage of it. A few years ago I got semi-serious about this because I wanted to do a half marathon and believed the years were zipping by and I had better do it before I couldn't. Well, here I am almost 3 years later and in my opinion am already in better shape than I was before I did that half marathon. I am a regular walker of the Stanford Dish, have sort of conquered Windy Hill and have created a "training" schedule. I am walking 3 miles 3 days a week and putting in an additional walk on the weekend. Before I knew it I found myself at Road Runner buying a real pair of shoes and socks and have added to my athletic wear wardrobe.

Well a funny thing happened a week or so ago. I suddenly started mixing in some jogging with the walking. This was nothing I planned but once it started my obsessiveness kicked in and I couldn't let it go. So now I find myself trying to move into the jogging world and have very little idea of how to go about it. I have registered for several 5ks and 10ks - one a month from now through October and am very anxious to see where this is all headed. I, for one, have no idea but it is exciting to be challenging myself in a very different way.

Grandpa 2012

As February moves on week by week, it brings thoughts of Grandpa's birthday. My grandfather will celebrate his 104th birthday on March 2. Many years ago I realized there was nothing I could give him besides my words - words that showed

him how important he has been in my life, words that retell the story of our love affair, words that will last forever. The first few years I had no concern of where those words would come from. But as time marched on I approached the gift with reservations - what would I say that I hadn't already said, what would be my metaphor for the love we have shared, how do I tell him all that he is and has been to me? This year I had an added concern; where would I find the time to write the letter. Once again I had no need for any of that needless worry - a lesson that he tried his best to teach me decades ago. This year's letter was written during nap time today. It turns out that all I ever need to express my love for Grandpa is a few quiet moments.

Dear Grandpa,

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t been sitting beside you while you read my card and letter. It is sad not to feel your arms around me but my Grandma Tere duties call. In a few short days you will have another great great grandchild adding the next branch to your family tree and I will be here to greet her and tell her all about the amazing man who stands at the trunk of that tree.

Baby Girl, your great great grandfather is like no one who has been before or will ever come again. He has loved each of us more completely than any one person ever could. He accepts us for who we are with no judgment or criticism and he has been my idol from my very earliest memories. He is loving and strong. His wisdom knows no bounds and he will gladly share all that he knows with anyone who asks. He is, what someday you will know as, the salt of the earth. He learned long ago to take everything in stride. Whether it is a snowstorm or an unexpected death, he knows there is light just around the corner and he just has to patiently wait for happier times because he knows that they will come. He lives a simple, honest life and has shown each generation how important it is to be true to your beliefs and your family. We all look up to him. That is your great great grandpa, the most amazing man I have ever known. I hope that you will meet him soon but you will know him through my stories and your mommy’s and your daddy’s. We all stand in his shadow and know that he is what each of us strives to be – good and loving, strong and happy, wise and wonderful.

Grandpa, thank you for your wisdom through the years, your undying love, and for being such an amazing model for a life well lived. In return for the love you have given me, I promise to do the best I can to be everything to my grandchildren that you have been to me. I send you all my love, respect and admiration and wrap it up in the folds of this letter, praying that it will somehow take the place of your birthday hug. I love you.

Grandma Tere Continued

In just a few short weeks I will become a grandmother for the second time around. It is hard to imagine but just one look at my daughter tells me that time is getting short. Much like becoming a mom the second time, I can't imagine that I'll be able to love this little girl as much as I do Callie. But once again, my heart will crack open and my arms will open wide and there will be this amazing person who will change me in ways I never dreamed possible. I know she won't be anything like Callie and that will be the fun of it. I go to bed at night and think about her, wondering about her eyes and hair. I hear her voice in my dreams announcing her coming. When I imagine seeing her for the very first time I cry. I want to see her and meet her and know who she is just as I did her big sister. I want to hold her and look into those big blue eyes and say I love you, Baby Girl. I want to see her mommy and daddy swallowed up in the amazing love that comes the minute you see your baby for the first time and realize that life will never ever be the same. I want to see Miss Callie's face when she realizes this tiny little baby is who she has been talking to in Mommy's tummy. I want to watch her showing the new CG girl how everything is done in life.

In some ways I know a little something about this grandmother thing but in others it feels all brand new again. I can't wait for this sequel to begin. Come baby come. Show me the love that is to be born again inside of me. Break this heart wide open and prove once again that there is always room for one more.

Business Check-in Revisited

I am a home daycare provider. That is clearly what I have been called to do. I really thought it was something I was going to play around with for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do next. But this IS what I want to do. I have been researching the next step which in my mind was preschool but I'm just not willing to go through the school thing and the student teaching thing and the licensing thing. I'm just too old for all the hoops now. And the reality is that every day I am more and more convinced of the fun that this job brings.

Things I like about my job revisited:
Being home
Spreading the word of good health
"Teaching" on the fly
Watching children learn from one another
Playing with kids
Reading with kids
Baking with kids
Being a witness and guide on the side to language development
Just hanging out and being present in the moment
Finding beauty in the simple things of life
Introducing kids to painting, coloring and sculpting
Smiling, laughing, really laughing every single day

The greatest challenge to me being happy about my job is that other people are disturbed by my happiness. They see me as a teacher, a real teacher, one that goes to work and gets a paycheck. They are constantly laughing and shaking their heads when I talk about my day, my week. No one else seems to be able to put themselves in my shoes or even to accept the thought that I am happy with what I am doing. It is time to stop listening and to start standing up for what I do. I can't change people's minds about daycare providers or what I "should" be doing. But I can stop being part of the conversation.

Happy to Be Where I Am

Change happens constantly and unperceptively. I and everyone around me are constantly changing. I am changed by almost every contact I have in life. I learn more about myself with every day that goes by. I am not the same person today that I was yesterday. Just today alone I had breakfast with Ralph, a walk with 2 friends, ran errands that included purchasing toys for my daycare. I am not who I was when I got up this morning because of those conversations, decisions made and the voice in my head that is constantly questioning, observing and evaluating. I know this. But I am still surprised when I see it in someone else. Over the past few months something or someone has changed Ralph in new and wonderful ways. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't perceive it until it slapped me in the face. Looking back, I am so glad that he and I have stayed in relationship so that I was blessed to see and appreciate this seemingly new him. We have dinner/lunch/breakfast together once a week and the conversation is good. Yes, it is a conversation. We listen to one another and share our hopes and dreams for the future. We speak openly of our love of family, our children and grandchildren, and the work that we are about. When this all began I believed that he was responding to my vulnerability entering into a new business. But perhaps I was completely wrong about that and it was actually that he was revealing his own vulnerability to me and praying that I would protect it. The two of us have been through a lot together and separately. It hasn't been an easy journey but today we are lucky enough to call each other friends. Our relationship has been changed by so many things along the way. Marriage, separation, divorce, followed by years and years of finding our place in one another's lives. He was the one that believed in me more than anyone else when I left the classroom. He was the one that promised me no matter what happened, my mortgage and bills would be paid. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. It is good that through the years we have changed day by day and have come to be in this place in time; two people who understand and respect the other in ways that no one else can.

Business is Good

I haven't posted about work lately... I have been on a bit of a roller coaster with the direction I would like to go in the next year or two. When I look back on the past 5 months I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have to admit I didn't expect to be so successful so quickly. I expected the first few months to be bleak financially. But that has not been my experience. I am still being contacted by people who want my services.

I am currently at a crossroads that will either happen in the coming year or in the next few years. I am leaving it up to the universe or destiny or whatever you want to call it. What I know for certain is that caring for infants, toddlers and preschoolers is near impossible to do well. The different needs, feeding and nap schedules mean that I do little else besides change diapers, comfort and feed these little beings. I am a teacher at heart and really want to do more real teaching. I am amazed at the learning that goes on from ages 1 to 3. So I have already made the choice to not take infants any longer. An option to go into the preschool business is also on the table. I'm pretty sure that is where I'm heading, it's just a question of when and with whom. I sway back and forth between feeling pretty darn good about what I'm doing, to a burning desire to teach and back to wondering if I can't just tweak what I'm doing to make the preschool thing happen right here. I have no idea what will happen or what it will look like when it does. And that has always been the fun of my life. So for now I am happy where I am. It may all change dramatically in the next few months or it could just be a slow evolution where one day I wake up and I realize that I am no longer a day care provider but a preschool teacher instead. I love the fact that even though I am quickly approaching the end of my 6th decade, life continues to surprise me. So like I have always said to my friends, stay tuned...

Resolution to Withdraw

January 2nd - the end of the Christmas season, the second day of new resolutions, a day to breathe in and out and know that the future lies ahead. It was a pretty unusual holiday season this year. I can't say that I am sad to see it go. There was lots of family drama as everyone struggles to find their place in the mix, there was Callie's incident with Milo which I am still trying to let go of, and there is my constant thought about where I'm going in life.

I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to start a walking program 5 days a week so that was off the table for a resolution. So I looked inside. Since I started this job at home I have been constantly tied to Facebook and I knew that it was a problem. My Facebook friends are not my central core and my out of town family members really don't post very often so I felt like I was constantly inundated with posts about the mundane. I didn't feel like anything was going on in my life that I wanted to share with my kids as well as people I'm not really connected to so I made a decision to leave Facebook. A couple weeks ago I stopped posting and commenting and yesterday I made the break. Today was definitely odd not being able to check in whenever it crossed my mind but I know I'm healthier for it. I'm not reading about people's complaints about the weather or the soccer goal that some kid I've never met scored. This absence from Facebook has no deadline. I just knew that it was a problem for me. I have wasted so much time surfing Facebook when I could actually have been talking to people. Yesterday I talked to a dear friend as well as my aunt and uncle on the phone and it felt so good to be part of a conversation rather than a spectator to life. So we'll try this out for a while and see how it changes me.

This Christmas

This has been a Christmas like none other before in my life. I'm not sure I want to erase it because it did have some beautiful moments but there is certainly a piece of it we could have all done without. Plans were made for several celebrations - the family get together, Callie's Christmas, and Bill's family dinner.

Christmas Eve came with high hopes. I couldn't wait to see Callie open her presents and realize that those wrapped boxes were actually hiding books and toys and clothes for her. Every decision I made about the holiday was based on me being with her. Nothing else mattered. I was thrilled coming to Maria and Bill's house. I put the presents under the tree, went out to greet everyone and within minutes all of our worlds turned upside down. Callie walked into the kitchen and grabbed a corn chip and walked out; something we had all seen her do hundreds of times before. But this time it was followed by the attack howl of Milo, their beloved beagle. What followed next is something I will never get out of my mind. Callie screamed and screamed. As Maria ran to stop the attack her screaming overtook Callie's. The house seemed filled with unstoppable noise that brought terror coursing through my very being. Maria brought Callie into the kitchen to try to stop the bleeding but it was clear we would be heading for the emergency room. And here is the horrible part for the grandmother. I was witnessing my daughter go through what I had done a handful of times in my life - holding her baby and being completely helpless to comfort her or take away the pain. But at the same, my baby and I were in the same state. I could not ease my daughter's pain, her sadness, her fears. I wanted the world to stop turning and just give us a moment to get a handle on a situation that was careening out of control. But there was no stopping it. Emergency room, stitches, pain medication, antibacterial ointment, seeping wounds. How could this have happened to this beautiful baby girl and this incredible family? I will never understand it and have finally stopped trying. The end result is that Milo will need to leave his home of 11 years, Callie will carry the scars of her second Christmas and none of us will ever again be the same.

Christmas ended up being exactly what it needed to be for Callie - slow, mellow and at her pace with breaks for eating and napping and playing. My dream of being with her as she experienced this first Christmas of her memory has been fulfilled. It was not at all what I imagined but it is good to remember that life takes its own course. Sometimes we are just spectators to the main event and in time find our place again in its rhythm and carry on as best we can. We have all been changed by this horrible thing. We have been tested. We are all stronger for it and every one of us loves a little deeper. We hold each other tighter and longer and pray that this is the worst thing that ever happens to this precious child.

Christmas Music

I am not a musical person. I can't really sing or play a musical instrument. But for some reason at this time of year, much of my celebration of Christmas is centered on music. In church I revel in the advent songs. I listen to Christmas songs in the car as I travel from point A to point B. I take the time to play the songs that I remember as a child. Perhaps it is because my mom made it a point to sing and play those songs throughout December. Or maybe I just need something to get me through the darkness of winter. For some reason the other night I thought about an album that I listened to while I was a young mom. It is not a kid thing but it got me through a lot of winters. I downloaded it last night and I am loving who I become as I listen to it. I am that loyal Catholic, I am a loving wife and mother who knows that her children are all things wonderful, I am full of potential. That is the thing about the right song. It takes you back to who you were when that song moved your soul. For me in this moment, that song is Creator of the Stars of Night by Marty Haugen. It is a lovely trip through all those Christmases past.