Summer to School

There are all kinds of differences between summer and the school year but I think that I may have discovered one that affects a whole bunch of the rest of them. It is mindfulness. Mindfulness is connected to living in the moment and I am an expert at that when I am on vacation from school. Every day begins with an awareness of what I want to do today, followed by the question, "Is that what I really want to do?" The day unfolds and changes are made as needed. I either change the itinerary or re-evaluate the importance of the project at hand. The day ends when I decide that I have had enough. Of course none of that is possible in the work world. There is simply a list of things that need to be done, have to be done. The only variable is the priority of the items. As opening day gets closer and closer some of those things either move up or down on the list of priorities and boom! before you know it, we are anticipating lines of kids outside the door. So in the days before school starts I have the constant feeling of being lost in my work. I look at the clock and have no idea where the past half hour, 45 minutes, hour just went. Partly I have the feeling that all that time was spent on trivial paper work, nothing of value and partly I am just disoriented by not knowing where I am in space and time. It is such a dramatic shift from my summer of leisure and it's not a valuable use of my time. I'm not actually teaching or working with kids and making a difference in anyone's life. So all of a sudden I am out of summer and thrown into school with no idea of where I am. I feel lost and overwhelmed and I am grieving the loss of being in charge of my own life. Mindfulness. That is what I am searching for now. Just knowing what I'm doing and the importance of the minutes as they tick by. And that as each job is finished I take a moment to say, "Nice, check that one off the list and let's move on to the next." It is simply a slowing down and breathing and acknowledging that, ye,s this mindless paper work is important, it is all part of this thing called teaching which I am called to do.

Gardening with Joan

Several years ago a much beloved teacher left this earth after a long and valiant fight against cancer. She was the impetus behind a school garden and when she died, the garden was dedicated to her with a promise made that her seeds of love and learning would forever be planted. On several occasions I have worked in the garden to keep it going and every time I have had the same feeling. It is the closest I have come to being in communication with those that have crossed over. I feel her loving warmth, see her smile, and hear her raucous laughter. I know that she is watching over that garden and that I am her hands on earth.

I happened to be at the school last week and my heart absolutely broke when I saw the garden overrun with weeds and runaway poppies. State flower or not, poppies can be as deadly as dandelions when left untended. As the days went by, I couldn't get the vision of Joan's garden out of my mind and I knew I had to do something about it. So my final Sunday of summer vacation was spend hanging out in the garden with Joanie. There is nothing better that I could have done with that morning than weed and haul and plant and water.

Not only did I get to be in the company of Joan but I was also reminded of the fun of being around an elementary school. It is the center of the neighborhood. It's where everything happens on the weekends - soccer and baseball games, family picnics, walkers and runners getting their workout. Dads bring their kids here to play catch and teach them to ride bikes with and without training wheels. You can't help but smile watching men nurture their children and pass on their life lessons.

Joan, I thank you for the lessons you taught me in our time together and I am eternally grateful that our relationship continues on in the dirt of the garden. I promise that your seeds of love and learning will always be planted for the children who never had the joy of meeting you but who will know you in your blooms that live on.

School Is In The Air

If you really take the time to notice, you can feel an ever so slight dip in the morning temperatures, those pink August lilies are blooming, and the coming of school is in the air. While it is hard to shift gears again so quickly, I really do like the feeling of going back. I am a person who likes order and fits into routine quickly. As much as I love the openness of summer I am always ready for the return of the orderliness of the academic year. It has become part of the turning of the seasons in my life. I don't remember liking the beginning of school as a child, it made me nervous. Someone new was taking over for my "favorite" teacher. There were new kids to meet and everything was going to be just a little bit harder. But life on the other side of the desk is different. It is the feeling of hope reborn once again. A new bunch of kids are on their way. They bring with them new stories, jokes, and challenges. The dream of being the best that I can be is reborn. It is the blank notebook that is waiting to be cracked open and the first letter to be written that will become the story of a new school year. I like everything about it but one of my favorite things is shopping for new school supplies and watching the interchange between kids and their moms as they choose the "perfect" binder, backpack, notebooks, folders and pencils. I'm looking for bargains but they are searching for acceptance from their peers and the moms seem to remember feeling those feelings. It is a new beginning where anything is possible, a fresh start for everyone. I head back to the classroom and slowly start pulling things out of their summer storage and find a place for each item. It is never ever the same place it was in just 2 short months ago because I love the look of old things in new places. Recreating the classroom walls is the closest I ever come to being artistic. It is my blank canvas where I choose just the right color that will mellow out the excitement of the early days but still feel like home in June. The border is added and some sort of message is created that welcomes them into the world of learning that will slowly be revealed over the course of the next 180 days. It is the crackle of unwrapping bundles of notebooks and sharpening pencils, the stacking of new books and labeling, the endless labeling of names that today have no meaning but in a matter of days will have stories attached to them that I will never forget. I love the emptiness of the new beginning and knowing that the peacefulness of the empty classroom will very soon become a chaos that is unable to be contained within those four walls. It is a time for planning when nothing gets in your way - no kids or parents or meetings or personal obligations. Yes, anything is possible, lessons and units are taught flawlessly in my mind and every thought and dream ends in success. It is every teacher's dream. New beginnings. A new year is on the brink of being born. I am ready for its joys and challenges. I am ready to laugh and lament at these kids who will for a year become like family. I am ready to learn again and push my boundaries just a tiny bit more. Welcome year number 21. Let's do it.

Alaska

Here it is! The most amazing thing that I have ever seen in my life!



Although I had seen hundreds of pictures of Alaska and its grandeur, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to experience. When people ask me about it, I am left relatively speechless. We overuse words in the English language so there are no words left to describe extreme experiences and emotions like this was for me. The first one that comes to mind is awesome but that doesn't work anymore. I like to say that I was awestruck. That helps to explain my silence. It was amazing, unbelievable, and any other extreme adjective that comes to mind. I knew that I would cry when I actually saw the glacier because I have always been teary just watching them break away and splash into the ocean on a monitor of any sort. That was about the melting, the loss, the irretrievability and finality of it. But that wasn't it when I actually saw and heard it. It was just so beautiful. I have never cried at seeing natural beauty before. This was a first. I was struck by thinking about those rocks and frozen water that had literally been carried through eons of time and here they were being dropped at our feet to do with as we would. It is such an awesome responsibility. (There's that word again.) Everything was much more intense than I expected. The blue of the sky and the sun glistening on icebergs floating by. The sight of splashing chunks being sheared off and the slight delay before hearing the splash followed by the oohs and ahhs of the humans witnessing the new water being born. Seeing a fishing boat float by and seeing how small we all are in comparison to the massiveness of glaciers and mountains and oceans. Being amazed at the wonder of nature when we allow it to work its magic - snow, rain, ice, water - and how we humans have the power to mess it up so easily even when we have no intention to do so. After all, what was the increase in my annual carbon footprint as I floated by on this 9 story hotel just so I could witness Mother Nature in action? This glacier was what the trip to Alaska was all about for me. The rest were all extras. And there were a lot of extras. The Float Plane tour over the glaciers around Juneau gave me the aerial perspective which is completely different. There were jagged peaks and crevasses that literally scared me and a blue so blue that I felt like I had never seen blue before. I saw whales and dolphins and eagles and never lost the amazement of it. There is absolutely nothing like witnessing animals in their own environment. I loved the smallness of the towns in Alaska and the awareness that there is no choice given the terrain. You can't really grow a city when surrounded by mountains on 3 sides and the ocean on the other. I had the feeling that this will always be as it is today and the ruggedness of it is the gift that will keep it so. I know in my head that we humans will find a way to destroy it because we have dynamite and other explosive tools at our disposal but I hope that we won't feel the need for that for many generations to come. I want my children and my grandchild to look at a piece of our world that has been unspoiled and to know that once long, long ago, it was all this beautiful.

Brithday Gratitude

My birthday has always been a day of gratitude. As a small child, the day was completely dedicated to me. That was really something in a family of 6 and I have never forgotten the importance of having a day that was all mine to do with as I pleased. To this day, my birthday is one of my favorite days of the year, second only to Thanksgiving. It turns out that the two days are more closely related than I would have thought. My birthday has always been a day of gratefulness. As a child it was getting what I wanted to eat for dinner, those beautifully wrapped presents, family time and of course, cake! As I aged, the feeling of blessed began to appear until today that is what the whole day is all about. I start my day reading my cards and e-mail messages and am reminded of my love for the written word. Love put into words becomes eternal. The rest of the day cannot compare to that simple event of just opening myself up to receive love from my family and friends. As the hours tick by I find myself looking back on my life lived and forward to whatever is to be. It is just a wonderful feeling to stop and ponder all that I have been given. This year the feeling has intensified to the nth degree. I am just in a wonderful place in time. I still have no wealth in monetary measure but am I ever rich. Callie has opened up brand new hopes and dreams for all that is yet to be. I love watching Maria and Bill parent and talk about parenting. My relationship with Dave has never been better. Nothing can compare with the laughs we have had in the past few months. I am reminded of how lucky I am to have my parents in my life as well as my grandfather. Not many people have the chance to follow their life guides this far on the journey. I just feel like I have it all. I live in a perfect climate, have great friends with all I can eat right outside my back door. I just can't imagine a life better than mine. Today is a day of gratitude. Thanks, Mom and Dad for giving me life and leading me to this point. I am a very happy woman.

Blessing Callie - Final Version

Callie Helena,
May you always know the circle of love that surrounds you at this moment. Let it bring you strength so that you can draw from it whenever you may need to.

Listen to your heart. It will guide you In all things.

You are a unique and special being and are here for a purpose that only you can fulfill. Believe in yourself and become who you were meant to be.

Live mindfully and fearlessly. Be happy. And dance, Baby, dance.

Blessing Callie - Version 1 (too long)

Callie Helena, you slid into this world and blessed us all by magically turning us into parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and guardians of your very being.

You have been born from and into love, may you always be embraced by it and know the strength that it will bring you.

Your name means beauty and it fits you perfectly. May you be surrounded with grace and beauty all the days of your life.

May you be blessed with good health and live a long and happy life.

May you always know that you are a unique and special being and that you have been born for a purpose that no one else can fulfill. Believe in yourself and be the you that you are the meant to be.

May you forever know the bounty of planet Earth that has been placed in your hands.

My hope for you is a life well lived, filled with true happiness, the joy of simple gifts that will make you rich beyond measure, and the love of adventure that will fulfill all your wildest dreams.

Dearest Callie,
On this your blessing day, we send forth the love that has been tucked away in our hearts, that it may surround you and protect you all the days of your life. Call upon it whenever you need to and it will give you strength. You have blessed us all by coming to Earth and we give thanks for your love, your grace and your beauty. In return, we promise to guide and nurture you in all things - physical, intellectual, and spiritual. You are a special gift to each of us and we are eternally grateful. We promise you our unending love and devotion.

Going "Home"

I am back home from my summer visit to Iowa. I make the trip often mainly for the purpose to see my grandfather. Iowa was my home for 17 years. My roots are there but I often forget that until I am back there. The dichotomy between life in Iowa and California is immense. It is hard to believe that a person can be raised in the simplicity of an agrarian culture and somehow find a way to create life in the craziness that is California. But my visits to Iowa always somehow complete me. It is the "Oh yeah. I remember this." It puts the pieces back together and the picture puzzle finally comes into view. My trip always includes drive-bys of the different houses my family lived in and of my grandparent's old house, a visit to my brother's grave, and seeing relatives and family friends. My head and heart overflow with each visual image. The memories flood my mind, both good and bad and I suddenly remember what I loved about Iowa as a child and hated as a adult. It is cold - no frigid, in the winter, and hot and humid and unbearable in the summer. But it is also incredibly beautiful with green flowing fields of corn and soy beans. Cool summer evenings bring the miracle of lightning bugs. The people are down to earth and of the earth. Everybody there gets the importance of a vegetable garden. It is not uncommon at all to see portions of even front yards dedicated to tomatoes and beans. Everything there seems big - big yards, big views, wide expanses of land dedicated to freeway exits that you just don't see in California. It is miles and miles to the grocery store but in-between your house and the store are those beautiful corn fields, the K-12 school I attended, the creek where my little brother died and finally stores come into view. Life in Iowa is more thought out. There is more planning for things as simple as meals and what we're going to do today. Californians would never dream of stocking up the way Iowans do. They live the realities of what nature might bring - tornadoes, hail, floods, destruction of crops and your way of life, snow, ice, blizzards. Life in Iowa is hard. I am reminded that it is there that at least some of my strength came from as a child. Iowans endure, they overcome adversity and they come out on the other side. There is a dedication to family and neighbors that is uncommon today. People know you and your family, what your siblings have done or where they are now living. It's a little like having a family tree imprinted on your forehead at birth. It is disarming and takes me by surprise every time I am there. There is a welcoming attitude in everyone you meet. People say hi and greet you as you pass. They are friendly and helpful. While I love being there while I am there, I am always happy, almost relieved to come back home. Ah... California. This is the me now. I love my house, love my yards, love my dog, and love being close to my kids. This is home.

Crossing a Line

I am a person who has always embraced change. I believe it has become a central part of my being. I am constantly learning and in a state of flux. My beliefs in people and principles are deeply effected by new information. This is all usually for the better. The past year has brought stability in my work world but anything but that in my life at home. It is incredible to think that a year ago I was teaching summer school and would come home to a daily schedule of methodically ripping out what was left of a lawn in the front yard. Yes, I was going native in hopes of stopping the needless water waste of keeping grass alive in this medeterranean climate. No big deal really. But it seems to have been the catalyst for opening a flood gate of changes around here. The front yard is now native and definitely looking better. The back lawn is also gone as well as the maple tree and one of the redwoods. In their place is a lot more sunlight and vegetables and herbs that are feeding me daily. That all seemed logical to me; a no brainer. I have gone back to canning and freezing my own food. I somehow feel like this is also at my core having been raised in Iowa. But now, I think, a line has been crossed. Inside my house, you will find 3 baby hens. And very soon there will be a chicken coop and run for the hens in the back yard. I don't know anyone beyond my grandparents who have ever raised chickens so this is all new territory for me. People make judgments about me now that they didn't before. Once you start raising chickens you move a bit on the spectrum. Your behavior is no longer predictable in the eyes of your friends and family. When you joke about buying a farm, no one really knows if you'll do it or not. It is fun to keep them guessing but it also makes you wonder about yourself. If you have done all this in 12 months time, what might be next? Who are you becoming? What will your house and yard look like a year from now? I am definitely on that other side now and almost anything is possible.

Rejuvenated

Summer is a time to reset the teaching clock. No one who isn't a teacher or doesn't hang around with teachers can possibly understand this. Most just think it is a "vacation." I really don't think I could keep doing this year after year if there weren't a few weeks in the year when I'm wasn't doing it. I know that sounds strange coming from a person who proclaims to be dedicated to her profession. Last summer was a serious challenge with only 3 weeks between school and summer school and school again. This summer I made a conscious choice to make a break in between. We are losing a week of summer already because of a schedule change made by the district. I'm not one of those complaining about it but even if I wanted to do it, I knew this was not the year to do summer school. Instead I signed up for a workshop the week after school was out. On the first day, I was wondering what I was thinking and by day 4 it was getting harder and harder to drag myself out the door but I was glad I did it. It was one of those events that invigorated me and made me happy to be a teacher again. Those moments are not that common anymore in this time of standards and high stakes testing and everyone feeling like they know what and how you should teach. Teaching as a profession just isn't that much fun anymore. One of my mantras in my low times is "How am I ever going to keep doing this for 10 more years." Well this workshop was different. This workshop has the potential to be a game changer for, not only me, but for any of our staff who is willing to get involved in an honest and authentic discussion about this thing called teaching. I am revived and rejuvenated. I am also now ready for summer. I am ready for raising chicks and holding my granddaughter as well as my grandfather and being amazed by the marvels of Alaska. I am ready to garden and harvest and preserve. And, yes, I am also ready to delve into a new reading and writing text book so that when August 11 rolls around, I'll be ready and raring to go again.

A Letter to My Former Self

I wish I could now communicate with my former self and somehow relieve the me of long ago from all those needless concerns that filled my head and heart about raising a daughter. When I found out I was pregnant, I told everyone that it didn't matter if the baby was a girl or boy but in reality, it did. I wanted desperately to raise a daughter and to get it right. My identity was such a jumble growing up and I dreamed of bringing a woman into the world that knew who she was from the beginning and could stand up for herself. I am almost embarrassed to say how much of me I poured into her. I'm not sure how I would have survived if she had ever turned away from me. I tried hard to prepare her as well as protect her from the world. We were that family that talked about everything at the dinner table. Alcohol and drugs were scary but my greatest concern was that of teen pregnancy. It sounds crazy now and it sounded crazy then too. But I just had so much wrapped up in her and could only dream about everything that she could be. I would not be able to handle giving up the dream and watching her raise a baby in place of college and anything else that might follow. But at the same time, I could not imagine the thought of raising a grandchild. And now here I am today, desperately in love with everything about being a grandmother. It just all feels kind of funny when I think back on the past.

Dear Tere, the mother,
You have nothing to fear. That teenage girl you are fretting about is becoming exactly who she is supposed to be. You are worried that she will lose her heart to some cute boy and that the potential for who and what she can be will float away. That will not happen. You worry about the worse case scenario of her getting pregnant and the challenge of raising your grandchild. Well, I can tell you that is not the worse case scenario. There is actually nothing better than being a grandmother. It is love incarnate. It is stepping outside yourself and watching the next generation move forward. It is beauty and joy and all things wonderful. Holding your grandchild is absolutely the best thing there is in the world. So stop worrying and just enjoy that beautiful daughter who will one day make you a grandmother.
Love,
Tere, the grandmother

Yes, I did worry about my daughter and how a mistimed pregnancy would result in the broken dreams of her future. There is just no way to have a normal social life while raising a baby. But my greatest fears had a selfish side to them. I had seen too many grandmothers raising their grandchildren in the public school system. It scared me to death. How could I possibly give up my career to raise my grandchild? And now that she is here, I get it. And, yes, I would have given up everything to give Callie all that she needed for a good start in life. She is the future. She is the dream for all that is yet to be.

The End

The school year has come to an end. I don't think I have ever been as calm on the last day of school as I was on this one. It just felt good and right and finished. I know that I have given my best to these kids. This year was a definite improvement over last year. The second time around is always better than the first of anything. And that is surely true of teaching middle school. I feel good about my teaching of writing. I improved on my units from last year and have some goals for next year. My love of teaching reading has been rekindled and I know exactly what I want to do to make next year better. That is the beauty of teaching. It is a one year commitment and at the end we can reflect and figure out how to improve it next time. This is new for me. I have jumped schools and grade levels for my entire career. It feels good to be grounded and to know that this is what everything else was preparing me to do. And now it is time to breathe in relaxation so that when August 11th rolls around, my mind and spirit will both be ready to do it all over again.

The Cycle of Life

You can safely say that I have a very warped view of life and death. On one hand I gave birth to 2 children albeit in a very unusual fashion. Not only were both deliveries natural and drug free but they were on the extreme end of the labor spectrum - 2.5 and 1.5 hours from start to finish. So I can't really talk to anyone about labor or delivery or any of that. And on the other hand, my first experience with death was that of my 9 year old brother. That's not normal either. However, since that time I have experienced all sorts of deaths of relatives, neighbors and friends. With this said, I am also blessed to still be in the presence of my 102 year old grandfather. So the cycle of life is a little convoluted for me.

I recognize the miracle of birth and revel in it especially with my newly achieved grandmother status. Being a generation removed gives you the perspective of utter and complete awe. But the death end is still baffling to me.

About the time that my daughter was preparing for the birth of her baby, we got word of a cancer diagnosis in the Sutter community. I have known a lot of people with cancer and have witnessed them fight the fight of their life. Some of them fought for years and years and others were only months. So I don't have that dreaded C response to cancer. And I truly believe that there are people in the world who can fend it off with prayer and support and the utter will to live. Carol is one of those people. The diagnosis was just words to me. I knew if anybody in the world could beat this, it would be her. I never doubted for a second that she would be here next year and the year after that and the year after that.

She worked her last day of the year a week ago to begin her therapy. Still I didn't worry. I knew she would be back next year to fulfill her plan of retiring in 2011 and go out the way she wanted.

Her chemo started last Thursday and the news came on Tuesday that the prognosis had deteriorated and that her time was short. There was no option but to retire this year. So today I attended the district Recognition Tea and watched the entire district applaud her and stand in solidarity with her family to show our appreciation for the thousands of families of which she has become a part. Carol is that teacher you want to become. She is the teacher that never tires of tweaking her lessons and units to be even better than they were before. She loves everything about teaching, the kids, the parents, the administrators, everything. As she exits Sutter, my heart is heavy. I'm not ready for the good-bye stage. I know that I don't get to choose and that death doesn't wait for the living to prepare. So today, I am just sad, so terribly sad for the loss to our students, our community and our circle of friends. A baby to hold right now would sure make me feel a whole lot better. The reminder of the circle of life.

That Says It All

I received a little Grandma gift in the mail today. It says, "Grandchildren fill a space in your heart you never knew was empty. I read it and shouted, "That's it!" That is exactly what I've been trying to figure out in this journey into grandparenthood. It is like being all filled up on an amazing meal or feast. And then when you think back you didn't notice you were hungry. All you feel is contentment, satisfaction and love, lots and lots of love.

Grandma Alone Time

This term has morphed from babysitting to Baby Loving to Grandma Alone Time. Last night was the beginning of something wonderful, creating that one of a kind relationship with Callie Girl. I love seeing this child, no matter who is around but being alone with her just takes it to the next level. We walked and talked and sang and played and I loved every second of it. She is constantly changing with new faces and sounds and movements. It is just fun hanging out with this beautiful girl. But to be alone with her was the best. It is the start of all the visions I have of what our together time will be - baking (eating), gardening (playing in the dirt), going for walks, sharing our stories and laughing together. To see her looking up at me and knowing that the love in those big beautiful eyes was meant for no one else but me melted my heart.

I constantly have the feeling of how blessed I am to be in this place and time. I love this Grandma stuff. Everything else just falls away and the only thing that matters is this beautiful child and all that awaits each of us on this journey that we call Callie.

Loving Spring at School

I know that some teachers dread this time of year because their students suddenly begin to appear much more like next year's students but I love it. Today I reveled in watching some of my more challenging kids skipping about the quad. And all I could think was how independent and self assured they appeared to be. This is what we work for all year in 6th grade. We take these budding pre-teens who have no idea about where they are or where they are going next and work to build their responsibility and independence so they can move forward into 7th grade. Teaching is so close to parenting you can almost reach out and touch it. We love and nurture and discipline our babies and then suddenly our time is over and we must release them knowing that we have given them our very best. Yes, we worry that they will stumble along the way but we also know that they must do the rest of the journey on their own. So in the next few weeks, I will prepare to send another group of kids off into their unknown futures while I step back and watch them take those first few steps away from me.

Mother's Day Once Removed

My greatest thrill of Mother's Day ever has been watching my own baby as mother to her baby. I swear I will never tire of seeing the two of them together. Mother's Day has had its ups and downs in my life. And now it feels like I can release my role in it completely. I love that my grown kids want and need to say thank you for all that I given to them. And I love being able to do the same for my own mom. But nothing can compare to a take out breakfast at Maria and Bill's, hanging out, passing Callie around from mom to dad to grandmas and grandpas to uncle and seeing that same look of love in everyone's eyes. I love this time of life. It just can't get any better than these simple pleasures.

Happiness Through Others

I live a very contented life. I suppose it is mostly because I don't do anything that doesn't make me happy. But lately I have discovered that I can feel the deepest happiness when people I care about are happy. This is new. I have always had the ability to be happy FOR others but never have I felt deep personal happiness when others are happy. This picture is the epitome of a mother's love for me. It still makes me cry when I look at it. I can feel what Maria feels. I've been there and I know that love. But last night it happened again. Ralph is finally going to Italy. I have been wishing for this since I was there 4 years ago. And he is finally doing it. This is an amazing event for so many reasons. But as we talked about it, I had that same feeling. I was just so happy that he was going to have this amazing journey to the homeland of his ancestors. It's not that he will feel what I did when I was there but that he will know what it is to be home and connected and at one with his history in space and time. As I thought about it, I was actually happier that he was going than I would have been if I were going there myself.

This feeling of happiness through others must be another one of those things that begins to take hold as you age. You somehow gain the ability to actually feel the feelings of those you care about. Their feelings become yours. It is a wonderful thing to finally be outside of yourself and experience this depth of love for others. I really do like the aging process and being on the backside of the circle of life. I love the perspective of having done all that I wanted and now being the source of support for others that follow me.

I Get the Grandma Thing

A week ago my world was rocked to its very core and I will never again be the same. I took the title Grandma Tere and held Callie Helena in my arms for the very first time. It is the most incredible experience I have had since my own children were born. But this is just raw emotion, pure unadulterated love. I finally understand what all the buzz is about.

For several years, friends and siblings have been telling me how great it is to be a grandparent. I would just smile and nod. I was that mom who accepted her children for who they were. If my kids didn't want to be parents, I was totally fine with that. One thing I did not want to be a part of was bringing children into the world when the parents weren't ready for the responsibility of a long term commitment. The minute, I saw Callie, that all flew out the window. Being a grandparent is absolutely wonderful. It is all of the love you felt as a parent but none of the worry. It is the joy of seeing the growth of your family, the final culmination of what your own parenting has wrought. I am so thankful that I didn't know any of this years ago or I would have been that nagging mother, asking when, when are you going to have a baby?

I am not the type of person who is very content just sitting. But I could sit and watch Callie all day. I marvel at her daily changes, the little faces she makes, how she flails her arms and legs and how she snuggles into your shoulder and takes any worries you had and melts them away. There is nothing like it. She is beautiful and perfect and my new great love.

The piece I am still puzzling over is that when I think about her or my daughter and son-in-law with her I still cry. But when I'm there it just all seems so right. It is all the way it is supposed to be. I will never ever tire of seeing the three of them together. It is the reminder that there is this deep abiding love in the world and that when two people really love each other they can accomplish anything.

It is the funniest thing that you can love something so tiny so deeply. I just met her a week ago but I know that if there was anything she wanted I would find a way to get it for her. I love seeing her personality come out in her movements and cannot wait until there is language to go with it. I am busy dreaming of all the things we will do together, the sound of her laughter and of all the ways I will define "Grandma" so that she will know the joy that she has brought to my world.

Mom Always Get to Decide

There is a volcano erupting in Iceland. Iceland, you might say; who cares about Iceland? Well it turns out that a lot of people do. It seems that jets don't do well flying through clouds of ash and rocks. So, people all over the world are literally stranded. They are either stuck where they are or are finding slower forms of transportation. I love that Mother Nature always wins. She is ultimately in charge and there's nothing that can be done about it. Humans believe that they can truly dominate the planet and then something like this happens that makes everyone aware that we are like little ants in the scheme of things. We may think that we are in charge until the wake up call comes and says, "Sit down and rest a bit. You don't need to go anywhere for a while. Take a few days and enjoy where you are in this moment." OK Mom, you win.