A Letter to My Former Self

I wish I could now communicate with my former self and somehow relieve the me of long ago from all those needless concerns that filled my head and heart about raising a daughter. When I found out I was pregnant, I told everyone that it didn't matter if the baby was a girl or boy but in reality, it did. I wanted desperately to raise a daughter and to get it right. My identity was such a jumble growing up and I dreamed of bringing a woman into the world that knew who she was from the beginning and could stand up for herself. I am almost embarrassed to say how much of me I poured into her. I'm not sure how I would have survived if she had ever turned away from me. I tried hard to prepare her as well as protect her from the world. We were that family that talked about everything at the dinner table. Alcohol and drugs were scary but my greatest concern was that of teen pregnancy. It sounds crazy now and it sounded crazy then too. But I just had so much wrapped up in her and could only dream about everything that she could be. I would not be able to handle giving up the dream and watching her raise a baby in place of college and anything else that might follow. But at the same time, I could not imagine the thought of raising a grandchild. And now here I am today, desperately in love with everything about being a grandmother. It just all feels kind of funny when I think back on the past.

Dear Tere, the mother,
You have nothing to fear. That teenage girl you are fretting about is becoming exactly who she is supposed to be. You are worried that she will lose her heart to some cute boy and that the potential for who and what she can be will float away. That will not happen. You worry about the worse case scenario of her getting pregnant and the challenge of raising your grandchild. Well, I can tell you that is not the worse case scenario. There is actually nothing better than being a grandmother. It is love incarnate. It is stepping outside yourself and watching the next generation move forward. It is beauty and joy and all things wonderful. Holding your grandchild is absolutely the best thing there is in the world. So stop worrying and just enjoy that beautiful daughter who will one day make you a grandmother.
Love,
Tere, the grandmother

Yes, I did worry about my daughter and how a mistimed pregnancy would result in the broken dreams of her future. There is just no way to have a normal social life while raising a baby. But my greatest fears had a selfish side to them. I had seen too many grandmothers raising their grandchildren in the public school system. It scared me to death. How could I possibly give up my career to raise my grandchild? And now that she is here, I get it. And, yes, I would have given up everything to give Callie all that she needed for a good start in life. She is the future. She is the dream for all that is yet to be.