Being known has always been a stumbling block for me. I’m unclear where it started but I’ve always been one to hold back just a little piece of me for the sake of protection. I struggle to release myself completely, yet it is something that I yearn for. To be known. So when it happens I am acutely aware of the letting go. Strangely enough, this has recently happened with my parents.
When I moved to Florida i knew that I was going to get to know my parents on a much deeper level. That is to be a given when you enter into the end of another’s life journey. But my parents have always been a bit of an open book. I’ve always known the credo by which my father lived and I have always known that my mom is one whose major purpose is to serve to father. I welcome the new view I now have of both of them.
I have been gifted with a view into my dad’s gentle mellowing. It may not even be noticed by others but knowing him as I have for 65 years, I can see the slight movement off of his opinions and the belief in his rightness. As he becomes more aware that the end is near, he talks more about the logistics that his absence will bring. This is definitely a gift to me as the executor. His love for Mom is much more obvious. He works diligently to bring her into the financial decision making process, knowing that in a short time, this is a skill she will need. He is deeply aware that his opinions have interfered with relationships with his children and grandchildren. He is not willing to change it but the knowing is gift enough for me.
My mom has revealed herself to be much more stubborn and opinionated than I knew. She has her own mind although it still remains difficult to share it when your husband has a tendency to argue you down. However, that does not keep her from trying. This is where her stubbornness is a good thing to accompany the opinions.
In some ways, I have seen them at their worst as I have become the silent partner as I become the physical muscle to help them accomplish chores around the house. Everything is a negotiation of sorts. I keep out of the arguments and work to read the situation to decide when to make a move. I can clearly see how they operate, how they fight, how they forgive without saying it aloud and move past the hurdle. Dad rolls his eyes and Mom shakes her head and know that all is right with the world again.
Slowly, ever so slowly, they have also entered into my world. They came first as advisors to home management. They definitely had thoughts and opinions about grading the yard, painting the house, updating the kitchen. I accepted them all and followed most of them but there came a point where I stopped bringing them into the process and simply shared the result. It came about naturally and all of us accepted it as a necessary step in our new relationship. With that we moved just a step away from the father/mother and child relationship. I will always be their child but they began to see me as an adult outside of that bond. Now one of Dad’s first questions when we are together is,”What have you been up to?” And he really wants to know. I tell him about my comings and goings and the people that I am meeting. This is new. It is new that he asks and new that I feel safe answering. Living long distances apart from each other, this was just something that never occurred. It felt like too much work to explain the people and things in my life. An hour a week phone call just wasn’t time to get through the what and the why. So much was left unsaid and hence unknown. We could always laugh and joke about my life but I kept it most of it to myself. At the crux of that was my fear of being judged. But timing is everything. He seems to know that his time is short and that the relationship is something more valuable than his ethics or judgement. So I talk and they listen. This is new! I can ask for advice without him first offering it. Our political conversations haven’t changed much but they will now from time to time ask what I think or what I predict will happen. And I can answer without them first telling me that I am wrong and why.
We are becoming known to each other in new and deeper ways. Everything about it feels good. There is a sense of softness that has entered our relationships. I am relieved that I will be able to say good-bye to each of my parents and what will remain is the love and the memories of this time that we had together. This is a time when we broke the bonds of the parent/child rules of living. We talked and listened to each other and truly enjoyed being in each others company. But with that comes the fear that it will make the good-bye harder than it would have been a year ago when our roles were known and rehearsed. As we let love in we know that the loss of it will be that much more painful. As that pain ebbs as it eventually will, I will rejoice at the gift that is left behind.
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