The Wall

Before I even begin this post I have to give thanks once again for my wonderful daughter and son-in-law who have the greatest knack for helping me figure things out on this journey of life. I am definitely the youngest soul among the three of us.

I hit a big fat immovable wall today. Some of it is student related but most of it is me. We have a very challenging student who really has very little interest in the school world. My partner teacher and I have worked hard in the area of motivation throughout the year and mostly to no avail. Time is getting short and there just aren't many days left for a turn around. Today was my day where for the first time I had the notion of utter hopelessness. I am not a teacher who has EVER given up on a kid and I've had some pretty interesting ones in my 19 years. But I guess I'm preparing myself to throw in the towel. This is extremely difficult. #1, it just isn't in me and #2 with my experience in elementary school it simply wasn't possible. How do you give up on a kid when s/he is sitting there all day long and there's only 20 kids in the room? I never had a student I couldn't reach in some way or another so I truly believed that they were all savable. As an elementary teacher, most of them do want to please you so that is a huge step in the right direction. But even those whose relationship with you could wane from time to time, there was always some way to rope them in.

Middle School is different, very different. For one thing the ones that are failing have been failing for a very long time. They have gotten the message loud and clear so it's a pretty fast moving car to try and turn around. We, in middle school, truly are the crossing point for kids who make a decision about the role that school will play in their lives for the next few years. One of the things I realized tonight was that it was one thing for me to teach a 1st or 2nd grader who would one day drop out but it is quite another thing for me to realize that I could be the last stop on the journey. Could a kid walk out of my classroom at the end of the year and never step foot into another one? That is a heavy load for me to carry. Every day is one more step either toward or away from school. Up until today I truly thought I had the power to change any kid that came my way. It turns out that laughter and love are not always enough. My daughter is right. I can set the expectations and offer assistance but I can't do the work for him. He has to want it for himself on some level. Without the internal desire, there is nothing that can be achieved.

For 19 years I have been defining my role as a teacher as that of coach, leader, cajoler, motivator, mom, you name it; anything that would get the job done. Of course I had my share of those kids that would challenge me and the toolbox of teaching strategies I carried around. But I always felt like I had achieved at least some success with every kid that came my way. It is time to change the tape that plays in my head. If someone doesn't want to learn, there is really nothing that I can do to make it happen. At this age, choices are being made. I have to remember that there are all sorts of forks in the road on the journey of a lifetime. Who am I to say that the only way to the finish line is through a diploma at age 18? People who have taken the long way bring all sorts of other gifts that they could never receive without the additional stops along the way. This ah ha has brought me just a touch of peace. I know that I am not the teacher that will ever draw the line in the stand and walk away from a kid but I can make clear my expectations and what I, as his teacher can do to assist him in his search for knowledge. Learning takes 2 people working together to achieve the goal. I can't do it alone.